Schitt's Creek (2015) s02e12 Episode Script

Lawn Signs

1 - John! - Oh, I was starting to think I've been hijacked.
- What? - My campaign has been hijacked.
Oh, I need some tea.
Twyla? What's going on? - Tea? - No thank you.
Ugh! My campaign signs have gone missing.
- What? - You had election signs? - Yes! All of them! Gone! - Wow.
Maybe people were mowing their lawns.
Well, it's probably just kids.
What if there's a more sinister explanation? Oh, like the wind.
I was wondering if there's someone who's thinking, "Oh, this woman may not have many signs, but she has myriad qualities worth voting for.
I must stop her!" So you think the signs were stolen? Stolen? Ew! Is that what you think happened? Well, isn't that what you were implying? - Who would do that? - Well, I don't know.
It's dirty pool.
You can't sabotage someone's campaign and take their signs.
Please, please, everyone calm down! Well, I suppose if there's a silver lining in all this, it's that Someone is imitated enough into thinking that I might be affecting this town's long-established voting patterns.
(Tapping) (Cars rumble, tapping) Johnny: Oh good.
Now the playing field is more fair.
Yeah, I was worried Jocelyn didn't have enough signs up.
You and me both, pal, but, luckily, I'm a step ahead of ya.
Okay, enough with the signs, Roland.
It was overkill a week ago.
Well, I don't know about you, Johnny, but I would like my little lady to win this campaign.
Oh! Well, funny you should mention, because my little lady had all of her lawn signs disappear.
Moira had lawn signs? She had a few.
Now she has none.
Are you saying that I had something - I'm not pointing any fingers, - Uh-huh.
But if I find out you had anything to do with this, even though you're acting like you don't Well, if I find out that you're accusing me of doing something I didn't do, then I'm going to accuse you of making false accusations.
But if you're denying doing something you might have done and making me feel guilty For accusing you of something you claim you didn't do Ooh, is that a threat? I think so.
Because I don't wanna tell you how I respond to threats.
And I don't wanna tell you how I respond to illegal political activity.
Okay, fine, then don't.
Fine, I won't.
Oh dear God.
Well then, take it out of my savings account.
Well, what about the air miles? Can you put some of them towards the electricity bill? Okay, this signage, is not really on brand.
It's not ridiculous.
Well, I'm not having this conversation either.
- (Phone clicks) - Is everything okay? David, to be honest, I'm having a little trouble financially and I'm gonna have to let you go.
- What? - It seems I have overshot my budget with the changes you've been implementing.
Which is not your fault.
You were my mistake, which I take full credit for.
Okay, I thought you were liking the changes I was making.
We just sold another poncho yesterday.
I still can't believe we even sold one.
But that's not gonna help me when I am down to a Costco card and a zoo membership.
Well, is there anything I can do? No, you've done enough already.
Fortunately, I did gotten some good news.
Apparently there is a Blouse Barn in Australia and they are gonna pay me to use their name here.
Can you believe it? That there's another store called Blouse Barn? No.
No, it's an entire chain.
They're expanding into North America and they are gonna pay me $10,000 just to cover the costs of renaming the store.
Okay, so they're buying the name from you? Well, it's more of a gesture actually.
Apparently, I have been using the name without their permission.
Okay, so this company is giving you $10,000 as a gesture And to think I almost called this place "Blouse House.
" Something seems really sketchy about this and I'm not just saying that because I have a hard time with Australians.
- Lotta drunks.
- Well, it's already happening.
They're coming in this week, they're bringing the paperwork As your brand manager, I feel like I need to be at that meeting.
I don't know At least let me talk to a few people before you decide.
If there's one thing I've learned from "The Good Wife", it's never accept a first offer.
- I I'm gonna just do that.
- Oh.
(Brush bristles swish) - I have a question.
- Yes, your cologne is too strong.
Okay, I just put it on and it needs to breathe a bit, so I came in here to ask whether you knew anything about trademarking store names? Yeah.
We had to deal with that from time to time at Rose Video.
And did anyone ever ask you to stop using the name? No, but we went after other people for using it.
I remember a-a "Rosie's Video" in Sao Paolo.
That was a fun shakedown.
Okay, well, say you owned Blouse Barn.
Well, first of all, I'd never get into the clothing business 'cause the margins are terrible Okay, let's pretend for a sec.
And someone was offering you $10,000 to stop using the name because there's another Blouse Barn in Australia and they need the name.
$10,000 to stop using the name "Blouse Barn?" - That's correct.
- I would take that in a second.
It's a terrible name.
- Okay, but that's not - Now at least with "Rose Video," it said what it was, and the logo looked great on a golf shirt.
Yeah, I'm just thinking if it's a big chain and they want the name, surely you should be able to get more for it.
Yeah, but is worth going to court to fight it? Oh, I don't think Wendy can afford that.
She can't even afford me anymore, so Wait a minute.
You were fired? Technically, I would say I'm in a transition phase at the moment.
This is terrible news.
I thought you were turning that store around.
All those big purchases, all that spending Okay, let's just focus on the big picture, which is helping the store.
Well, if you wanna help the store, I would tell your boss to take the deal.
And then you and I are gonna sit down, update your resume, and get you back into the workforce.
Well, thank you so much for this.
Um, it was entirely unhelpful, but thank you nevertheless.
Well anytime, son.
Moira: Oh, it's just so violating.
How can one sleep knowing our streets are laden with thieves? Ronnie: Well, I don't know about laden.
I had a newspaper stolen once.
Two days ago, we had someone break our window.
They didn't take anything, but they left a dead bird inside.
That's kind of like my aunt.
She has a ghost in her house that keeps leaving dimes everywhere.
Look what's happened to us.
These sign bandits have clearly created a culture of fear.
If it helps at all, I'd be happy to put one of your signs on my lawn.
Th-that is if Jocelyn doesn't mind.
Oh no, I'd put one on my lawn if I wasn't worried about winning.
(Laughs nervously) I hope you know that I don't stand for dirty politics, Moira.
Oh no, you mustn't beat yourself up.
You have your own signs to worry about.
All two hundred of them.
Well we're here to sing, aren't we? So let's sing! Well said! Let us focus on tomorrow's show and not fan the flames of this provocative scandal any more than is necessary.
Sing ladies if you can.
- (Low hum of chatter) - Ronnie: Let's do this.
(Door opens and closes) Hey.
(Gasps) What're you shopping for? I'm not shopping.
Okay, well, I'm seeing a lot of women's tops, so if there's a minimum amount for free shipping can let me know before you order? Okay, yeah, no, I'm I'm actually doing work, so.
Mm Dad said that you got fired.
I wasn't fired.
I'm actually working so that I can stay employed.
I have a big meeting with some lawyers and I'm trying to make sure they're not taking advantage of Wendy.
Poor thing is a hot mess.
Okay, I just really think you should stay out of it, David.
You're not good under pressure.
- And you are? - Um, I'm sorry.
Were you picked up by the South Korean Secret Police on New Year's? I had to sweet talk the consulate's lawyer to get me a passport before midnight.
Okay, well this is a very different situation from that and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be fine.
(Keyboard keys clack) (Loud thump) Did you or did you not have a subscription to Cosmo Girl when you were 16 years old, David? No.
Okay, David, if you have to lie about something you should breathe out while you answer 'cause it really just calms you down.
Oh my God! I'm not being interrogated.
This is a negotiation.
I'm just trying to prepare you, okay? 'Cause they're gonna eat you alive in there.
If you know so much about this, why don't you come with me then? Okay, well, I guess that just depends on what's in Mom's closet.
Why does that matter? Well, I'm not gonna wear my own clothes into the room, David.
They're not scary enough.
(Sighs heavily) I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.
Well, I do feel better having a lawyer in the room.
(Gasps) Oh my God, you're so cute.
Um, I'm not a lawyer, but I'm glad that my fashion pony is working.
(Door creaks open) Oh, hi.
I'm Wendy Kurtz.
Welcome to the Blouse Barn.
Lisa Chung.
I didn't realize there were gonna be more of us.
We're her representation.
David Rose.
Angelica Bloomfield of Rose, Bloomfield and Glickman.
Well, let's go to my office shall we? - Stevie: Oh, Mr.
Rose! - Johnny: Oh, hi Stevie.
I found these.
I thought Mrs.
Rose might want 'em back.
You found them? Okay, look, I know we haven't always been ideal motel guests, but taking my wife's signs? Ah, no, I took out your garbage, and these poked a hole in the bottom and fell out.
So they're still in pretty good shape, I thought she might want them back.
Oh Since she's been so worried about her signs having been mysteriously stolen.
Right, right.
Well, I mean, I can see what must have happened here.
She accidentally, uh, threw them out.
That's one theory.
Or someone stole them and hid them in our garbage to try and sabotage Moira to make it look like she's done something really crazy.
That is definitely some food for thought.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Well, thank you, Stevie.
Have a nice day.
I will.
This shouldn't take long.
The check.
This should cover the cost of the signs, business cards - About the check.
- (Clears throat) We had some questions about the amount.
Well, you shouldn't.
$10,000 is the amount we agreed upon.
Well, that may be, but some things have changed on our side, and we want to discuss the I think it's fine, David.
From a legal standpoint, there are lots of costs to consider.
- Mm-hmm.
- There are the signs and the business cards I just mentioned those.
Objection sustained.
There is the travel, there are the meals, there is the shipping and the catering Which is very similar to the meals and not necessarily relevant, so 'Kay.
Well, the $10,000 doesn't even cover our legal fees, so - What? - Don't worry about that.
And if we're gonna announce a new name, there has to be a whole relaunch event, and that involves Event planners and, um, florists.
Okay, I think what my colleague is trying to say, is that our brand is very well established here, um, so we're going to require a higher compensation.
No, it's ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh.
Ooh No! No, no, Gwen, you took the lower third.
Well, could you please then? I've already locked mine in.
Thanks, doll.
Moira, do you have any idea how Stevie found your campaign signs in our garbage? I don't think anyone can hear us, John.
You don't have to keep up the act.
- What act? - That you didn't know I took the signs.
You took your signs? I didn't know you took the signs.
Why would you take your own signs? Well, I couldn't very well take Jocelyn's.
That would be stealing and I'm running a clean campaign.
You call this a clean campaign? Politics 101, John.
When you have limited resources, your best course of action is to create a stir.
It's exciting, it's fun.
It's like that episode of Sunrise Bay when I stole my own baby.
Moira, Sunrise Bay was a soap opera.
Yes, and this is reality.
Frankly, John, I'm surprised at your naivety.
Moira, you're misleading people! No, I'm building a mystery.
Voters will draw their own conclusions.
I basically accused Roland of stealing your campaign signs.
Well, then hopefully you've learned something - you shouldn't make accusations you can't substantiate.
- Moira - I'm not listening until you calm down.
(Door bangs shut) Okay, well, Blouse Barn Australia is willing to offer you an additional $5,000.
- Oh my God.
- Thank you.
So if you'll just sign here, I think we're good.
I don't think we are.
I have done some research and I happen to know that your company pulled in $100 million last year.
Point being? Well, the point is, judging by your bag and those shoes, Blouse Barn Australia is paying you quite a bit of money to come here and help us "switch over our signs.
" Bottom line, we're standing in your way and I don't think your client will be very happy if you come home without securing the rights to the name, especially considering you're expanding into 78 stores across North America.
And let's be honest, "Blouse House" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.
- Exactly! - Angelica, please.
This is the number that we are after.
(Paper rustles) - (Derisive utterance) - Now, if you'll excuse us, we have another meeting to get to.
We're in our store.
We await your reply.
(Low hum of chatter, chairs thump) Moira, I felt bad about what happened to your signs and so I had some of my students make these for you.
(Gasps) Jocelyn! They're not as nice as the black and white ones you had, but I thought that they might help.
Very considerate.
Though there's something you and I still need to discuss.
The signs.
We both know that, in a heated campaign, one might use whatever resources one has - to gain advantage.
- Yes.
Jocelyn, you have so many signs! I know.
Roland got carried away and used his mayoral power to get people to put more signs on their lawns.
And I just pretended it wasn't happening.
Roland forced constituents to put up signs through coercion? That's what we're talking about, right? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah.
I just was helping you explain, so you Because you seem so upset by it all.
I am upset.
I don't like what this campaign is doing to me.
The other day, I called another driver an effing moron.
I didn't say the 'f' word, but I said, 'effing, ' and that is not me! Jocelyn, I don't think it's exactly unethical to do questionable things in the spirit of competition.
I'm dropping out of the campaign.
- What? - I'm barely sleeping, I can't get through an episode of "Masterchef Junior" without crying.
We've both worked so hard for this.
I know, and now I am giving it to you.
Congratulations, Moira.
You are the new councilor for the town of Schitt's Creek.
Wendy: David, come on in! Here, have a seat.
Lisa got back to me.
She dropped off a check.
- (Groans) - It's a big check, David.
Oh, thank God! It's a bit (bleep) check! Oh (Laughs) Um, you don't mean one of those big lottery checks, right? - No.
- Okay.
But you pulled it off! Um, thank you for trusting me.
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Um I guess we should get back to work.
I love your enthusiasm, but I think I'm going to take some time for my family, for me, and close the store.
Oh, okay.
But I appreciate all you've done, and I want you to have this, you and Alexis.
Well, Alexis didn't do that much.
Oh, oh my God.
And I hope this helps get you on your feet.
And do something interesting.
You always do.
I can't accept this.
(Low hum of chatter) - (Whispering) Moira! - John.
I'm so excited to see the show.
I'm going to be on council.
We'll, that's the spirit.
Positive thinking.
I won! Jocelyn quit the election.
What? She couldn't take it anymore.
Well, think what you can do in four years.
Four years? No, no one said anything about four years.
And-and the thought of working with Roland every day.
I mean, that's I wouldn't even think about that.
Oh, John.
What have I done? - 'Cuz tonight for the first time - Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah - Just about half past ten - Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah - For the first time in history - Ahhhh - it's gonna be raining men - dada-da-da-da-da-da-da bop! So $40,000?! Oh, that's a lot of money.
Wow! Even divided amongst the four of us.
Divided? I'm the one who negotiated all of this.
Um, with my help, David.
I believe I offered advice.
You said Wendy should cave and take the first offer.
What you gave was the opposite of advice.
Okay, stop.
This is good.
This is the first real money we've seen in a year.
'Kay, I think we definitely need to celebrate.
Nothing big, just a little treat Like a trip.
I can't believe that I'm the one to say this, but um shouldn't we be s Shouldn't we be s-s-s Should we be Trying to sa save this? Isn't Shouldn't we be saving Putting this in a bank? Isn't that what people do? Well, that's no fun.
No but probably best? Maybe we could do manicures.
I could a manicure.
The three of us should go.
- Yes! - Long overdue.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.
- Yay! Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Just 'cause I do my own nails doesn't mean, you know, I wouldn't go 'Kay, they're just expensive and you wouldn't really appreciate them.
Oh yay, David! Yay! (Door closes)
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