Schitt's Creek (2015) s03e11 Episode Script

Stop Saying Lice!

(Birds chirp, cars rumble) Alexis, I just got an email from your school.
Okay, in my defense, I did not know he was a substitute teacher, and basically, nothing happened.
Okay, well, that's not it, and please don't go down that path again.
Apparently there's a lice outbreak in your class.
- Oh my God! - Ewww! Ugh, it's probably Kelsey, she's such a horse girl.
Honestly Alexis, if you don't like the way somebody looks Dad, that's so mean! She doesn't look like a horse, she just talks about them a lot.
And smells a bit.
(Gasps) You know, you keep scratching.
Ewww! No, I'm just allergic to the down pillow.
No, no, you probably have lice.
You're scratching because you have lice! Wait a minute, we were in all the rooms changing the sheets! Okay, how-can lice jump? Because if I was sleeping in my bed, could a lice jump from her bed to my bed? Can everyone stop saying lice please?! Now I've gotta go back and change all the sheets again.
Okay, how do I know that she didn't give me her lice? David, you don't have lice.
Nobody here has lice! No, no, you do! You-you have the lice! - Ah! - Ughhh! - Oh! Aah! - Alexis, you've gotta go to the store and get something to deal with that now! Okay, I've gotta go back and change all the sheets.
Oh! This is the last time I take a pity selfie with Kelsey! - Get away from me! - Aah! (Cart rattles) (Knocking) Housekeeping.
- Hello! - Oh, hi.
Uh, just here for the complimentary sheet change.
But the bed's already made up.
Yes, yes, well some of our guests prefer morning and evening sheets.
Uh, these are a little heavier, for sleeping, right? So if you don't mind, I'll just get to it.
I think we're good, I mean, we haven't even touched the sheets.
Oh, good, good, good! Why is that good? Well, it just means you're having a busy day, you know, up and at 'em.
- Oh.
- Right.
(Laughs) Right.
And your hair's in a ponytail, that's fantastic.
Yeah And by that I mean it's very hot outside, and gives the neck a chance to breathe, um yeah.
So We're actually just on our way out so Oh well, good timing then, huh? So why don't we follow you out, hmm? So that's a yes to changing the sheets? No, no, I think we're good.
After you.
Oh, so leaving everything as is, then.
Couple: Yeah! (Bell on door jingles) Hi, sorry I'm late, it's been a busy morning.
(Sighs) How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
It's nice to see you.
Hm! Are you talking to me? I'm not used to that ah, level of kindness.
Yes, we haven't seen each other in weeks, so I was just saying it's nice to see you.
I'm going to ignore that passive aggression, and instead, lean in to the fact that we're both working professionals now, and Mama Oprah would be very proud of us.
Okay, that's one way to look at it.
Um, so you know what I think would be super fun, if we hung out at your place tonight.
- My place? - Mhm.
You've never been to my place.
Yeah exactly, you were just saying that we haven't been spending as much time together, and that it's been really bothering you.
I don't remember saying that last part.
Yeah, so I was just thinking like, what about a late night hang, or like, a platonic sleepover? Mm what's on your head? Hm? A hat.
That I'm test driving for the store.
I mean, what's happening under the hat? - The other side.
- Oh, I see.
Yeah um, that would be a shower cap.
So this would have nothing to do with the lice outbreak at the motel? Your dad just called me.
Mhm, um so I might be taking preventative measures.
I can't afford to have the store infested with lice.
I don't think it works that way, but just so we're clear, you were wanting to have a platonic sleepover at my place would have nothing to do with the fact that your sister has lice? Yes, that is almost entirely correct.
Oh Moira: Good morning! Bob: Who's gonna be the one to tell her? I'll handle this.
Have I been let go? Should I leave? - No.
- I won't make a scene.
You still have three and a half more years.
But who's counting? Roland: Moira, I know that town beautification is kind of your thing, so I know you'll wanna know that um we're gonna build a flower garden.
And it gets better! I imagine it must.
We're gonna name it after you.
Oh, and look at that right there, utter shock! Now, I'm flattered beyond all reason, but I can't help but think the money could be better spent elsewhere, making much needed improvements to the roads, the streetlamps, the parks, the sidewalks, the traffic light Moira, I don't think you understand how rare it is for somebody to have something named for them in this town! I mean, yeah, the whole town is named after me, and Bob over here, he's got his bench.
Bob's Bench.
And Ronnie's got her rec center.
It's an outdoor tennis court, and last year the net was stolen.
Well, she's kind of under selling it there, the rec center is a major hook-up spot for the kids.
- So is the bench.
- Right.
As much as I would love to contribute to the population growth of this town by way of teen pregnancies, I must decline.
Honey, it's all about legacy! Your name will forever be associated with this town's name! I don't think you're helping.
I truly appreciate the gesture.
Well look, before you say no - No.
- Right.
This is a really big deal, Moira.
For us to be doing this for you.
(Car rumbles) Ted: Alexis, I didn't think you were coming in today.
Oh um, I hadn't planned to, but it was really bugging me that your cupboards were so disorganized.
It's Saturday.
No, I know.
Um But the other reason is that I bumped into one of our clients, and her dog has lice, and she's worried that she now has lice.
Who was it? Umm Meredith? Meredith! She's new-ish, you might not remember her, just kind of like, mid-length, wavy hair.
- Does she want me to help her? - No.
No, she is too embarrassed.
And I was like Mere-dith, Meredith, there's no reason to be embarrassed, you're still exceptionally attractive, it's just lice, just get the shampoo, and deal with it! Yeah okay um the thing is, that you can't actually get lice from dogs.
It's a different kind of lice.
Okay, so what should she use? Should she use the flea stuff, or Oh no, she's fine to use the lice shampoo, but it's really more about combing them out.
- Ewww! - On the upside, you could tell her that they're only attracted to clean scalps, and she shouldn't be too embarrassed.
Also, I'm kind of a samurai when it comes to a metal comb, so Okay, are you sure, because she didn't want to um, she didn't wanna bug you on a weekend.
- Bug me.
- (Sighs) I am sure.
Okay, I will tell her.
Um, you know that it's me, right? - Yeah, caught on pretty quick.
- Okay, thank you.
You're the sweetest little vet I've ever met.
I don't know about little, because I'm benching 225 right now, so it's not really something someone little - Aaah, Ted! - Okay, yep.
(Sighs) Okay, so if you wouldn't mind sorting these body milks by size, that would be great.
Can you drink these? Um, it's liquid moisturizer, for your body, so no, you can't drink them.
Did you ask if you can drink it, too? Okay, it says body milk on the label! You know, I told David that the label was gonna be misleading, but he insisted.
What was it you said? "Anyone with a fiber of common sense would know that it's not actually milk.
" What do we think body milk is, if not milk for your body?! - Exactly.
- Stevie, right? - Yeah.
- I'm Patrick.
- I've heard a lot about you.
- None of it is true.
Oh well, anyone with a fiber of common sense would know that.
I like him.
I like you.
Okay, is this how this is gonna go? Because we have way too much work to do today for me to feel attacked by way of an imbalanced social dynamic.
Are-are you wearing a shower cap?! Alexis has lice, and I am taking preventative measures.
By wearing one of our hats that we now can't sell.
Oh, he doesn't have it, I checked his head.
I think the shower cap is more of a fashion choice - at this point.
- Uh huh.
But you're living with somebody who does have lice, so just 'cause you don't have it now, doesn't mean that you couldn't get it tonight, or tomorrow, or whenever.
It's almost as if you want me to get the lice.
I don't want you to get it, I just, I think you should be careful.
You can crash at my place tonight if you need to.
Thank you.
But Stevie offered her place this morning.
- Oh, - So - Can I crash at your place? - (Laughs) This is really fun for me.
I'm having a lot of fun.
I never thought I'd see the day, John.
You've been domesticated beyond recognition.
Moira, it's been a bit of a day here.
Well, this might lift your spirits, I just came from council, and they want to name a garden after me.
A garden? Oh, that's flattering.
Another feather in your cap, huh? Oh, I have enough legacies as it is, John.
I've got that playhouse theater in Pasadena, My titular scholarship with Phoenix, David and Alexis.
Yeah, but still, a garden is nice.
You'd have to think twice about turning that down.
Oh, I've already turned it down.
Well, it's just about a month ago I heard from the Lucy Albion Studio Theater in Pasadena.
I don't know what that is.
It used to be called the Moira Rose No, no! Don't say it! They've stripped the playhouse of my name? Who the (Bleep) is Lucy Albion?! A volunteer usher who died last year.
And when were you planning on telling me this, John?! Well Moira, it's not like you have overreacted to bad news in the past.
I just thought it might sit better with you once you'd heard about the garden.
No, I just told you about the garden.
John, did you ask Roland and Bob to name a garden after me? No, no! They wanted to name the garden after you, Moira.
After I offered to pay for the plaque, and a good chunk of the upkeep.
I don't believe this.
Sweetheart, I just thought having your own garden in town would make losing the theater less painful! Oh, I won't be pitied, John! Or fed your pacifying pablum like some kind of soft-headed infant! Well, I thought it was a nice gesture.
Oh no, no, now I just wonder what else you're keeping from me.
Nothing! - Well, Alexis has lice.
- What?! Ewwww! Ewwwww! I assume you shaved her head! And we have to put a wig on her.
But not one of my wigs! These have to be boxed now! Moira, I've got it all taken care of.
And I'd think twice about that garden.
Oh, it's too late, the notion of that garden is as abhorrent to me as our daughter's scalp! And I was worried about you overreacting.
(Screams) What are you doing in here? Well, you said to change the sheets.
No, we said not to change the sheets.
Oh, you said not to change the sheets! I could've sworn I heard you say change the sheets.
- Well, while I'm here, I may as well - Please, just leave the bed.
- Sure.
- What's going on? What's going on? Well, my okay.
My daughter and I were setting up the room earlier, and it turns out she has lice.
I was changing the sheets because you know, I didn't wanna take a chance.
Been there.
Yeah, our six year old daughter had lice last year.
- How old's yours? - 28.
Oh, and I checked your hairbrush and it is fine.
You checked my hairbrush?! It's a complimentary service.
Ted: Why didn't you just tell me that you had lice? Ted, a bug literally fell out of my head, onto my textbook this morning.
It was so disgusting.
Plus I didn't want you to picture me like some well-toned bug woman.
Well, I've seen worse.
Fleas, ticks, worms.
Granted, all of those were on house pets.
- Ted! - I'm just saying, that you know, it could've been worse.
I could be shearing you with trimmers right now.
You're really good at this.
It reminds me of when I was in Bangkok.
There was this amazing little Resto-Lounge that specialized in Tahitian food, and scalp massages.
I'm not sure what's more disgusting, what I'm doing right now, or the concept for that restaurant.
It was a Resto-Lounge.
Speaking of Thailand, I think is probably the most intimate thing I've ever done with an employee.
Speaking of Thailand, I think we've done a few more intimate things than this.
I meant while they were an employee.
Not that I'd do this for anyone else.
Well, thank you.
Because it's actually pretty gross.
You said it wasn't that bad.
Well, there are some big ones in here.
- Ewww! - I'm joking, I'm joking.
Oh, maybe not.
- Eww! - Nope, it's fine.
It is fine, it's fine.
Just-just the mama, we got her.
(Knocking) Hi, I can't thank you enough for inviting me.
Really you should be thanking yourself for that.
(Gasps) This is a lot nicer than I expected.
For some reason I pictured you living underground.
In like, a bomb shelter? Yeah like, bomb shelter aspects.
Look at what you've done to this place! Look at all this stuff! Look at that frame on the wall that you put there.
Look at that Sarah McLachlan poster! Don't be dissing Sarah McLachlan.
Who's dissing Sarah McLachlan? I followed Lilith Fair for two summers.
- (Sighs) - So Uh oh! Two toothbrushes? Hello! No, you see, this is exactly why I shouldn'tve let you bully me into allowing you to stay here! Do you require two toothbrushes? Yes, I do.
Ahhh So maybe I was seeing somebody a while ago, and I forgot to throw out his toothbrush.
I don't recall you ever telling me about that chapter of your life.
Well, I'm sure I would've told you, if you weren't so busy with the store.
I'm sorry, is that a soft, yet affirmative indication that you miss me? No, it is not.
Because I agree, our social predicament is not ideal, but we are both thriving professionally, and I feel like that needs to be celebrated.
Speaking of, where are the drinks? - In this thing? - The fridge.
- Is this okay.
- Just Okay, I just see two de-shelled hard-boiled eggs in a bag, should I be scared for you? The vodka's in the freezer.
Oh, in the freezer, okay.
(Gasps) There she is! Look at that, look at her, go.
What a gift.
(Music plays softly) - Moira! - Oh, hi.
I just wanted to say congratulations about the garden.
Oh well, you're very kind, but I've declined the offer.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
As much as I love the spotlight, sometimes it's best to just step aside.
That's surprising.
I know when they told me that they were gonna put my name on the new low-impact play center at the school, I was thrilled! Yes, it can be very exciting when the tribute matches the contribution.
My name graced a theater, a country club ladies' locker room, a roadway.
A whole road? Oh, not just any road.
This was a lifesaving road, dedicated to emergency vehicles.
Like a fire route? Technically it was referred to as Evacuation Route 14, but those of us in the know affectionately called it "Moira Rose Boulevard.
" You know, Moira, having your name on a small, local garden wouldn't take away from any of those other amazing achievements.
You might think, but this little particular little tribute was bought by my husband, in an attempt to assuage my ego! And that would be different from the other times because Well, I mean, of course philanthropy and recognition always go hand in hand, but Listen.
I know this isn't what you wanted, But I think it would make Johnny really happy to make you happy.
I mean, take Roland.
Every year he buys me coconut macaroons, and I just don't have the heart to tell him I am really allergic to coconut.
Yeah, every Valentine's Day I just rash right up.
(Laughs) Last year my throat almost completely shut.
(Crickets chirp) I shouldn'tve eaten those eggs.
I can't believe I'm trapped under a blanket with you knowing you ate those eggs.
(Sighs) I bet Patrick's fridge is fully stocked.
What does that mean?! It means he's got his life together.
He's a pretty eligible bachelor.
I suppose.
What? He's my business partner.
Oh, aren't they all.
What are you doing? What, you guys just seem to really get along well.
Yeah, because we're in business together, and compliment each other professionally.
Hm, but he offered for you to stay over at his place.
Yes, because unlike you and I, he's extremely generous, and has absolutely no ulterior motive.
Then why are you here and not there? Because you asked me first.
I didn't, though.
And it would be weird.
Well, if nothing's going on, why would it be weird? Because we're in business together, and I don't know what his preferences are.
Well, you're not gonna find out what his preferences are on a sleepover with me.
Well, I wouldn't be sharing a bed with him, I'd be in some guest bedroom.
Guest bedroom, what is he, Bill Gates? Yes, he's Bill Gates.
I like this for you.
Like what? There's nothing to like.
You seem flustered.
I'm not flus Maybe it's the eggs.
Both: Ughh! Um, am I reading this right? "The Moira's Rose's Garden.
" Okay look, I went back and forth on the name a couple of times, and I may have confused the engraver.
The Moira's Rose's Garden.
So the garden is dedicated to a rose that Moira owns? I don't think that there are enough apostrophes.
I don't even see a rose in the garden.
Because there aren't any roses.
Or are we the Roses? Okay, I'm getting roses for the garden, I'm-I'm getting roses.
Oh okay.
And what are these numbers for? That's mom's birthday, David.
Those are the last four digits of your father's credit card.
It was a complicated order form, all right? There were a lot of fields to fill in.
Um, I hope you got a really good deal on this.
It's by the letter, so he paid extra for those apostrophe "s's.
" Okay, enough, enough.
This is still a very big honor for your mother.
Is it not? - Mhm - Yes? Mhm.
So when we die, are we all gonna be buried here?
Previous EpisodeNext Episode