Schitt's Creek (2015) s03e16 Episode Script

Murder Mystery

Jocelyn: Okay, Jazzigals, let's gather in for a warm up! Okay! Oh, before we start, I just wanna warn everybody, there is a murderer on the loose.
- In this town.
- Uh-oh.
So heads up, eyes peeled, guys.
Moira: Twyla, are you all right? I will be if I can get a few friends together this weekend to catch this murderer.
Until then, it shall remain a mystery! Oh, I think I know where this is going! It's my murder mystery party this weekend.
Oh, I see! Sorry if I scared anyone.
Jocelyn: I was scared you weren't gonna to have it this year! John and I used to attend "Eyes Wide Shut" parties at the Castros'.
Though I'm guessing your evening's activities might be somewhat different.
I don't know, it can get pretty wild.
Oh yeah, you never know how the evening's gonna end! Or when! Well, John and I would love to help you ensnare this maniac, but we have plans this Saturday night.
Oh well, the party's actually Friday.
I had a 50/50 chance there.
So you can come? Oh, I would be pleased to RSVP as pending.
Just uh, as soon as I double check, and circle back.
Oh, this is gonna be so great! 1:00 P.
, terrific.
Yeah, looking forward.
Did somebody book a room? Even better, someone might book a room.
How is that better? A lot of people might book a room if this goes through.
Okay, but you're still using the word "might.
" That was the Elm Glen Golf Club.
They wanna put together a package with us.
A weekend of golf, and a stay at a luxurious motel.
What motel is that? I'm gonna let them work out the verbiage, but the upshot is this, on a $250 dollar package, a cool $40 goes into our pockets.
That sounds like a better deal for them.
Well, it's all about building bridges, Stevie.
But here's the thing, even if this deal falls through, we still get an afternoon on a golf course! "We?" This is a big day for us, Stevie! You know it's been three years since I've played a round of golf? Yeah, um golf's not really my thing.
Except there was this one point in high school where I got this haircut that everyone said made me look like I was in the LPGA.
Well listen, I'm sure you could use an afternoon outdoors, okay? Think of it as a team-building exercise.
I might even let you drive the cart.
- Can you drink on the cart? - Yeah.
Well, I will get the "back in 15 minutes" sign.
Well, it's gonna take longer than 15 minutes.
You have to give people hope.
(Music plays, patrons chatter) So, Mrs.
Rose, I don't mean to pressure you, but I am anxious to know Understandably, yes, BLT please, no bread.
Oh, I meant if you were coming to the murder mystery party.
Oh that, yes.
Yes, you are? It's just that it's the end of the week Twyla, so that's always chockablock.
And then there are the kids Well, both of them, David, Alexis.
Well, I know you're busy, I was just-I don't know, I was just hoping you'd bring a little something to the party.
A touch of celebrity, perhaps.
- I was actually thinking bagel bites.
- Ah! Did I mention it was a potluck? Oh, you most certainly did not.
Well, I would ask someone else, it's just that uh, so far no one is coming.
No one's coming to your party? Well, in fairness, the party is still a few hours away.
And some people did say that if another thing that's supposed to happen doesn't happen, then they might be able to come, so, that's good.
So as of now you have no one on your guest list? Well, I shouldn't have said no one, My mom will come.
And she'll probably bring whoever she's dating.
And he'll most likely bring some younger friend.
Twyla, this is unacceptable! There are myriad tactics to boost numbers at your party! Well, you start by comping a few influential guests.
You'd be shocked at how many celebrities show up to a thing with the promise of a free Wagyu slider.
I-I'm not charging anyone, this is just for fun.
Oh, this is worse than I assumed! How about a signature cocktail? I hadn't thought of that.
- Okay, shouldn't you be - Oh, yeah.
Okay, we're going to start with follow-up.
You secure your VIP list, and you work your way down from there.
(Birds chirp) (Door slams) - Hi.
- Hi.
Where's Stevie? Um, I don't know, but she will be back in 15 minutes.
What are you doing? I'm just checking the mail.
Did you know you can still get mail? Yes, I know about mail.
No, but I'm talking about like, mail, mail.
Like a little man in a uniform, with his satchel full of letters, traveling door to door.
Um, that's a mailman.
And he comes to your house, you pay him, and he gives you your stuff.
I think it's free delivery, David.
- I don't think so - Mmm! How far into the 15 minutes do you think we are? Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but you've just been kind of hanging around a lot lately, - which isn't a bad thing, - Mhmm but it's also not a good thing.
Yeah, um it's just that the town only has so many ex-boyfriends to hand out secretary work.
Um, first of all, David, - I'm an assistant, not a secretary, - Oh.
And second of all, Ted is not my ex-boyfriend, he is ex-fiance.
And I'll have you know, that I might not be an assistant for much longer.
What is this? - It's Elmdale College.
- Ooh.
Ted and I have been talking about me doing like, an accounting course, or an office management course, but I think I can maybe broaden my horizons a bit.
You've circled "Stars and Cosmology?" Oh yeah, I thought it said "Cosmetology.
" Ugh! Can I just for a sec? Here is Jocelyn's visor, and her glove.
Oh, uh, I don't think I'm gonna be playing, but thanks.
Okay, you know what, just in case you change your mind, why don't I show you a few pointers? I can do it right here on Johnny.
Oh, I don't think so.
I mean, a few pointers couldn't hurt.
- Oh, I-I don't think that necessary.
- Here, come on, Jonathan.
- Okay, whoa.
- Come on down.
Right there, let me see your stance, what do you got goin' here? Well, the set up is very important, Stevie.
Uh, legs so far apart, - knees slightly bent.
- Ooh! Make sure you're nice and balanced over the ball.
Yeah, woo! Johnny, I gotta tell you, you have a sensational stance.
Well, I've been golfing for 30 years, Roland.
Wow, I like that.
There's one thing I don't like about it, and let me show it to you.
I don't think I was asking.
Well, I think it's better that we show Stevie, than just talk about it, don't you? Right, okay, so just first off, spread your legs just a little wider, if you would, for me.
- All right.
- There, see, Stevie? They've gotta be like, sort of even with the shoulders, and if you would just pop the old tush Just go, Bam! That's it, and now loosen up a little bit.
- Okay.
- Yeah! All right, you know what, Roland, I think I should be showing you, because I don't really think you know what you're doing.
- Yes, right.
- Okay now, grip, very important.
- Yeah? - Are you using the Vargon grip? I'm using La Va Grande.
Are you watching this, Stevie? Yeah, this is just a little hard to understand, so I want a record of it.
- Okay, delete that, please! - Can I get a copy of that? Yeah.
- Oh hi, Moira.
- Hi.
I thought that Roland might still be here.
No, it seems our mayor is keeping summer hours.
Jocelyn it's really good to see you out and about.
Yes, I was starting to worry.
- Why? - Well, I happened to be chatting with our dear little Twyla about her party tonight, and she mentioned that you have yet to RSVP? And I thought, that's not the Jocelyn I know.
What must've felled her? I'm fine, here's the thing.
These parties are not great.
Last year it went until 3 am, And Twyla just wandered around kind of winking at everybody, until she realized she hadn't picked a murderer.
And then the year before there were three murderers, and one of them actually robbed the cafe! Well, I hear this year is going to be very different.
Twyla apparently sought counsel.
Expect thoughtful party favors, themed cocktails, first class catering.
I thought it was a potluck? You, Jocelyn, are the mayor's wife, you are the self-appointed leader of the Jazzigals, and most importantly, Twyla worships you.
- She does? - Yes.
This party has real momentum now.
And with you attached, it's no less than a snowball gathering speed, picking up bodies as it rolls downhill.
- And that's good? - Very good.
(Laughs) Well, I guess I could talk to the other Jazzigals.
I just wish I hadn't thrown out that flapper dress from Halloween last year.
- Oh! - Spread the word! Be the snowball.
Be the snowball! Okay, it's just that I misplaced my high school diploma when we lost our house.
No, I wish it was a flood.
Okay well, chasing down the paperwork seems like a lot of work.
No, I know that I know that your courses require a lot of work, I'm just what if it was a flood? Okay fine, I will call you back with the paperwork, thanks.
(Phone beeps off) Um, what's going on? Are you looking at courses now? Um, I'm just putting some feelers out.
A lot of people have encouraged me to build on the skills I acquired as creative director of the Blouse Barn, so.
Like who? I thought it could be good for me.
Okay, well, this is sort of my thing, though.
I really don't think you can claim education as your thing, and I don't even think I'll be able to take those courses, because the stupid people at the college wouldn't just take my word for it when I told them that I had a high school diploma.
But why do you need it, though? To prove that I graduated high school.
Well, it's not like they're gonna be like, "oh, you don't have your high school diploma, you can't come to our college.
" That's almost word for word what they just said to me on the phone.
Well I just don't think I have that kind of time.
- Okay, what are you doing? - Reorganizing my knits! (Car rumbles) (Birds chirp) - Oh, there they are.
- Oh.
Rose, Ms.
Yes, please call me Johnny.
Always nice to put a face to the name.
Oh, I see you two came dressed for the occasion.
Always ready.
- I like your visor.
- Thanks, it's new.
So I hear there's quite a few new developments at your motel.
Uh, we'd love to hear about them, why don't we have a seat? Oh, you wanna have the meeting inside? On a day like this? Sorry, did you think we'd be playing a round? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We-we had a meeting earlier at another club, and they wanted us to test drive the course, so we're in the attire.
Oh, where were you playing? Uh, we were playing at um it was what course, Stevie? It was down the road.
Uh, Maple - Grove? - Grove, Maple Grove.
Maple Grove? No, I don't know that one.
Oh, really? It's a beautiful course.
Very exclusive, Uh, but it is set way back off the road, it's Which might explain why you've never seen - or heard of it.
- Yeah.
Johnny: So every room will have wi-fi, and upgraded beds, Uh, working toilets, which probably sounds like something I don't need to mention but you know, just covering all the bases.
Well, that sounds great.
Well, it's just that um We've been talking to the Elmington Moto-Lodge, and they've got coin laundry, and a Jacuzzi.
Well, we can certainly put in a Jacuzzi.
Yeah, Jacuzzis are very popular with our golfers.
Well, as an avid golfer myself, I can tell you that when you buy a golf package, you don't necessarily want to spend the entire weekend sitting in your room.
(Managers laugh) Well, thanks for coming by.
And definitely let us know when you've got that Jacuzzi.
Yes, we uh, we will.
I guess that's all, that's it now, thanks.
Yeah, well, listen, it's uh still early, do you guys have any other plans this afternoon? We have another meeting.
Oh well, you know what they say, too much work (All laugh) - Well, thanks for coming in.
- Okay.
You go on ahead, I'm just gonna go use the restroom.
Oh sure, might as well use some of the amenities.
(Car whooshes by) (Dogs bark) Hey.
Um, you know those courses we were talking about? Oh yeah, I thought that data management one looked like it might be good for you.
Mhmm, yeah, I had the same thought, but when I looked into it, all the courses were full.
And then the courses that weren't full conflicted with each other, and then everything just canceled out.
Alexis, if you don't wanna take the course, you don't have to take the course.
No, there were courses that did look very interesting.
Um, it's just kind of complicated.
Yeah, but it's so worth it.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to college.
Pub nights, frisbee in the quad - Hmm! - Late night hacky sack.
We got some serious sack circles going.
Oh, so many sex circles.
Hacky sack.
We always hoped they'd lead to sex, but still.
College, so crazy.
So crazy.
Um Okay, the thing is I can't go to college, yet.
Because I didn't finish high school.
- Oh.
- I know.
It's so embarrassing, and I never should've taken that semester off.
But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.
Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA? Yes technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does.
This might sound crazy, but I almost think I should finish high school.
That doesn't sound crazy at all.
And truth be told, it took me a minute to finish high school myself.
You're only saying that to make me feel better.
No, no, me and some friends, we just got in a car, and took off.
- Really? Yeah, we were following the American Idol tour.
We missed a couple shows, but it's always the exact same set, so no regrets.
Um, I really wish you hadn't told me that last little bit, but thank you.
That makes two of us.
- Good round? - Not bad.
Greens are a little fast, but I like that.
Me too.
I've given a heads-up to the starter.
The tee is yours.
- Have a great round, you two.
- Thanks so much.
How did you make that happen? I asked.
Well, that's very nice, Stevie! Thank you.
Okay, let's get our golf sticks.
David, and why am I not surprised to see you in here? Well, this is my room.
Well, it's disheartening to see you like this.
Did you know that according to IMDB, Rosa Parks was in an episode of "Touched By an Angel?" Exactly, David.
You are bored, lethargic, and practically dripping with ennui! Okay, that's a bit much.
I blame myself.
I've set a standard of activity and engagement so high you don't even try.
Okay, I am on a much needed respite whilst in between jobs.
You are squandering your social capital.
A taste-maker like you should be out there, tasting things! Uh, I'm at the buffet, and there is nothing to taste! Well, there's a party tonight, as a matter of fact.
- The murder mystery thing? - Why not? Does this town not deserve to have a marquee guest like yourself grace their humble soiree? Speaking of marquee guests, I'm surprised you're going.
I can understand why you'd say that, but don't you just know Twyla would be thrilled to have as many Roses there tonight as possible! (Sighs) Fine, I will make a surprise appearance.
- Good.
- But it's twice around the room, - and then I'm out.
- Is there any other way? Oh, and it's Roaring Twenties themed, and I know you have a soft spot for seersucker.
- I won't be dressing up.
- Aw, say, don't be a dew-dropper! Throw some concealer under those peepers, make like a swell, and go put on the Ritz! (Birds chirp) (Grass rustles) (Thwack) - Woo.
- Good golf shot! Thank you, Stevie.
Ah (Golf cart starts up and rumbles off) (Crickets chirp) (Clinks) - Oh! John, are you going to be done soon? Just working on my short game, Moira.
Stevie and I are pitching Oak Valley next week, I just wanna make sure I'm ready.
Well, the endless tinking of putter to ball tells me you will be.
Well, it's for the motel.
It's not like I'm enjoying this.
(Phone rings) - Ohhhh! Beautiful, see that? (Phone rings) - Ahem! Rose residence.
Uh, where are you?! May I ask who's calling? You know who this is, and you know where I am.
Did everyone show up? Yes, everybody showed up.
Good, then my work is done.
Uh no, your job is not done, You guilted me into coming here tonight! And you're better off for it, David.
You should thank me.
Twyla was set to throw a fiasco until I exerted my influence.
Uh yeah, and the way Twyla keeps asking about where you are, I'm pretty sure you're the murderer.
They'll never catch me.
Ugh! Who was that? I don't know.
because we trusted you! That school cost $250,000 dollars! I know, and I felt so bad about it.
And that is why I missed my final semester.
Wait a minute, we were at the graduation! - Yeah! - I know, but I wasn't.
We saw you there! - Did we, though? - Yeah.
We were there, we might not have stayed through the "R's," I think we left halfway through the "L's.
" Oh, yeah, it got very repetitive.
No, I distinctly remember a celebratory lunch at the Hotel de Ville, in Crissier, and you'd had that unfortunate run-in with the spray tan machine.
- Uh-uh.
- No, that was-that was me.
Ah! Yeah! Then how do you explain this graduation photo? Huh? That's Jess Chang! - What? Jess Chang? - Ugh! Well, who can tell with all this hair in front of your face? That's not my face! Okay, why didn't anyone come to my graduation? Well, you didn't graduate in Switzerland.
And whose fault is that?! How long have you been carrying that around in your wallet?!
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