Schitt's Creek (2015) s04e03 Episode Script

Asbestos Fest

1 Jocelyn: Moira, I'm sorry I couldn't be more available for you today, it's just that my sister was supposed to organize this with me, and her husband has come down with gout for the third time.
But I still think this is gonna be the best - Asbestos Fest yet! - You know, I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser.
Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the "Everybody Nose" benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion.
I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.
Okay, you know what, Moira? There's just a lot going on right now.
I've got a list of three different numbers that you're choosing from, and what would really be helpful to everyone, and when I say everyone, I mean me, is if you could just nail down which one you're gonna perform tonight.
I did get the set list from the children's choir two weeks ago.
I the easiest to go with is probably "Shoes, Glorious Shoes, the Imelda Marcos Story.
" - Okay.
- Never mind.
I am going to dust off "Two Heads are Better".
The one woman Siamese twin play.
Yes-no! No, you know what? I am going to resurrect "One Crazy Summer, The Patty Hearst Story.
" It's a tale of perseverance, much like your quest to bring asbestos back to the town.
Okay, well first of all, we're trying to get rid of the asbestos, Moira, and we really just need you to make a decision, now.
- Okay! - Now! Well, let me think! Uh "Two Heads" it is.
The Foxwood Casino Gazette did say it was a performance they'd never seen before.
- Don't write that down.
- Okay Moira, I just wanna slap you right across the face.
Patty it is! Patty.
Although Jocelyn, I'm wondering, does "TV's Moira Rose" send a different message than "television's Moira Rose?" Something to think about? I said, something to think about! (Low hum of chatter) Hello, you.
- Oh hi, David.
- Hi.
I believe you said I could have your room for the day, to rehearse my act for the fundraiser.
Oh, you meant like, like right now? Okay.
Um what did you decide on? Well, at this very moment it's 1974, and this room is a San Franciscan bank.
You're going with the Patty Hearst story? Yes, I am.
And what's wrong with that? Well, didn't it have an ensemble cast of 30? Uh huh, and what was your father's review? 29 dead weights! (Laughs) So I trimmed the fat.
You didn't even play Patty, though.
You know I did! The night Patricia Lupone ate that pre-show shwarma, and I was asked to step in.
I've always wanted to reprise the role! I just recall that that show was very heavy on the footwork and at one point you yelled, "Line!" in the middle of a dance break.
Okay, some of these townspeople are going to experience my triad of threats for the first time, David.
Nothing less than spectacular can do for them! Okay.
I just remember you practicing every day for seven months with that dance instructor that I ended up dating.
Are you sure you remember it all? Skip Fosse once told me that when it comes to choreo, always leave some room for spontaneity.
- Okay.
- Okay, you know what? If you feel it's necessary, fine, I won't stand in the way of you spotting.
Well unfortunately, I can't spot you now, because now I have to go to work.
- Oh, then go to work! - Okay.
Good luck.
No, you say, "break a leg.
" - Okay, that, too.
- Say "break a leg!" - Break a leg! - (Door slams) Okay, here.
Ahem! We're going to ease in with a machine gun ballet.
(Low hum of chatter) - Hi, sorry.
- Boys: Hey! This guy! - Excuse me, hey.
- Hey, yeah.
- What's up.
Yeah And we mark up the retail price.
- Okay.
- What are you doing here? Patrick has offered to help me with this school assignment - I told you that, David.
- Hey.
Um, you did not tell me that.
Yeah, how are your friends doing outside? - They're harmless, thanks.
- Are they? Cool.
Um, we're actually just in the middle of something, - so if you wouldn't mind - I would mind, but - Okay, so, profit margins.
- Mhmm? Um, how do you get more of those? Well, you'd start by telling the group of teens that hang out outside your store every afternoon to leave because they're scaring off actual customers.
Okay, they're not scaring off customers, there was one that looked meth-y.
And I don't know where he went.
See, your brother doesn't wanna tell them off.
Which is, and you can write this down, - a financial liability.
- Liability.
Incorrect! The fact that we have youths minding their own business in front of our store builds, and you can write this down - No.
- Street cred.
Okay, are they actually buying anything? Yes! They're coming in, and they're buying gum.
And what else are they doing, David? They're coming in, they're looking around, and they're buying gum.
(Gasps) And maybe complimenting my outfits.
- There it is! - No, there what is? I'm sorry that you connect with a more mature clientele, whereas I vibe with a much younger crowd.
- Oh.
(Scoffs) - (Door bell jingles) - Nice sweater, bro! - Um God, I This is so old, and I can't even remember where I got it.
Do you guys remember-sorry, where I got this sweater? - What just happened to you? - Huh? Like, breathe it out.
(Door shuts) Roland: Hey there, Johnny! Just so you know, I'm obviously a beer guy, but I've never been known to turn down a fresh bouquet of flowers Roland, what are you talking about? Well, you are gonna be thanking me pretty soon for saving your bacon, so I just thought - I'd give you some gift ideas.
- I'm kinda busy right now.
Yeah, I can see that.
Very busy, right, Johnny? Apparently too busy to change the bulb that's burned out over room three.
Roland, I fail to see how pointing out problems here is saving my bacon.
I know a guy who needs some work, and I told him I'd do him a favour, and get him a job right here in the motel, so Uh huh.
And why does it sound like I'd be the one doing your friend the favour? Well Johnny, I'm the middle man, I'm the one that kind of made this all happen.
Well, nothing's happened, so you can tell your friend - we can't afford him.
- (Sighs) You know, when I started Rose Video we had one employee per store working start to close, so keeping an eye on the bottom line, that's how a young business grows.
- Uh huh - Besides, Stevie and I are managing just fine on our own.
All I'm saying is keep an open mind, okay? It might be nice to have a guy around here who has some basic skills for a change.
And I'm sorry, but we all know how Rose Video turned out! You know, Rose Video was the second largest video chain in- - (Door slams) - Oohhh! Did you ask him why he's been wandering around with a notepad, it's really starting to creep out the guests.
Yeah, he's pitching a guy he knows to help out around the motel, but don't worry, I told him that we're a well oiled machine at this point.
Yeah, that I've been greasing.
Your new policy about helping the guests with the bags Yeah, and you know, we're getting very good feedback about that on the comment cards.
But I've been the one carrying them, because "somebody" has a bad back.
Well Stevie, if I lift a roll of toilet paper, you know, it flares up.
Okay well, I'm starting to look like a Slovakian shot putter, so I'm with Roland.
We're gonna be hiring someone else.
(Car rumbles) Thanks, bro.
Come back again soon, guys.
Great sale, bro.
Four teens, one pack of gum, which you gift wrapped.
Hey, why don't we just close the store up, and celebrate for the rest of the day? I'll have you know that it was one pack of gum, - and one lip balm.
- Oh! (Gasps) Well, that'll make up for all the stuff they've been stealing.
- I'm sorry? - What do you mean, stealing? Those kids are one hundred percent stealing from you.
- I don't think so.
- (Scoffs) Okay.
They split up into four different directions, one takes the back left corner, one takes the right, one of them asks you if you have those wool hoodies in a different size, while the last one compliments you on your cuticle game.
And while you're lapping all that up, the two in the back corner are filling their backpacks full of facial cleanser.
It's the exact same move that I used with my klepto friends in the Hamptons.
I-I feel like I would've sent that.
Yeah, I mean, maybe that's what you and your burnout friends did at the Miss Sixty store, but that's not what's happening here.
Why don't you go check, then? I can't tell if there's product missing, or if we just haven't replenished.
I feel like if someone were robbing our store - we would know about it, right? - Uh yeah, we would know.
Though this would explain the compliments.
- That's - What? Give it an hour, they'll be back.
They only took the toner and the cleanser, and if they're not selling it on the black market, then they'll need to come back and get the moisturizer, or their t-zones are going to be like, super effed! Roland: Johnny, I gotta say, uh, I'm glad you came around to your senses, and may I tell you something, I don't feel like you're less of a man because you need a little help with your business.
Yeah, that's good to know, Roland.
So where's the guy? Oh he'll be here, don't you worry.
Worry! (Laughs) And I think you're really going to like him, he's very smart, he's devilishly handsome, and he stands about yay tall, maybe a little bit more like that.
Okay, I see where this is going.
- Or do you? - Roland, what are we doing here? Johnny, it's me! I'm the guy! I know you're the guy, I got that as soon as I said where's the guy? Oh my god, you should see the look on your face! Impatience, that's the look! All right, we do need help at the motel, we do need someone, but someone who is going to pitch in, and do some of the grunt work.
And I am willing to roll up my sleeves, and help out my best friend! Okay, I gotta go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no, no! Now I wasn't joking about my skills, pal! Come on, what do you say we give it a shot? - I don't think so, no.
- Huh? Going once.
- Going twice.
- No.
- Going 3 times.
- Roland! All right.
Going 4 times.
Going 5 times All right, all right, all right.
All right.
But only because we could actually use some help.
- That's a smart move, Johnny.
- But consider this a trial.
Yeah, that's probably a good idea, I don't wanna commit until I know I like it.
Stick 'em up.
It's a hold up.
Nobody move but me-me-me-me! But me! - (Knocking) - Who goes there? - It's Jocelyn.
- Oh! Good news, Moira, don't ask me why, but Gwen had a hunting rifle in her basement, and I'm hoping this is good for your act! Um, it was a machine gun.
So I need a machine gun for the machine gun ballet! Okay Moira, you've got to meet me halfway here, - this is a real gun! - What? And I got you extra performance time, I got the children's choir down to one song! Some of the kids cried.
Oh, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn, why? Why, why, why, would you do that? Because you asked for more time, Moira! But Jocelyn! Did you know that rehearsal, it can be the most enlightening and even heuristic exercise.
What are you saying? I'm saying I am stepping out of the limelight, Jocelyn.
But we already re-printed the posters from "TV's Moira Rose," to "Television's Moira Rose!" And that's great, that will get them in the door and then the kids take over from there! - That's - Okay.
I see what's going on here.
- Somebody's got cold feet.
- Ha ha.
Blocks of ice.
I bit off more than I could chew.
You know what, Moira, we have all been there.
On my wedding day, I thought, what if I just got in my car and drove to New Mexico, and left Roland at the altar at the Elmdale Bingo Hall? Bottom line, I got cold feet too, and I faced my fears, and now look at us! 27 years of bliss.
Was I to perceive something encouraging within that little anecdote? Okay, you know what, Moira, pull it together.
I'm taking this gun.
- Okay, Patty, come on, Patty! - (Door slams) Patty, the eyes of the lonely world are on you! So, five, six, seven, eight, Patty! (Thumps) Five, six, seven, eight! Nine, ten-nine Nine, ten, eleven, twelve! (Slow Jazz tune plays) - (Sighs) - Like clockwork, David.
- Hey! - Yeah.
Hey! Can I help you guys with anything, or ? No, we're just looking.
Okay, cool.
Cool, cool, yeah, yeah.
Look around.
You do you.
Uh, hey, do you have this in like, a larger size, maybe? I don't know, I'll have to go all the way into the back to check.
- Hey, man! - (Gasps) I like your shoes, where'd you get them? - Oh! Oh - Oh! Um, these? I got these at a boutique in Prague that's only open on Sunday nights.
- Cool.
- Is it? Uh hey, I think we're gonna head.
Oh, um wait, but-you forgot something, though.
What?! Look, please don't do anything crazy, it took me so long to make that.
Well, I'll be happy to give it back, when you and your skid mark friends give back all of the products that you've stolen.
And if I'm being honest, someone with your combination of skin should really be using product with tea tree oil in it.
I Hand it over.
I thought she was too cool to work here.
I don't work here, and I am really cool, so.
Don't do it again, and I won't call the Po Po.
- Did she say Po Po? - Okay! Okay! I think we're done here.
Okay, I just have one more question.
All those compliments, and fist pumps - Bumps.
- Shut up.
Was that just part of the big scheme? - No, you have cool style.
- I like your shoes.
They're lying to you, David, they're lying, they're lying.
Okay, get out.
(Teenagers mutter) Right, so (Sighs) - Ugh - What? Why me? - I just feel really gross.
- Why did I get one? Okay, so there's window repair in room four.
Mhmm And then the bathroom in room 5 still needs to be done.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Can you handle that? - No, I am just waiting to hear something that's in my wheelhouse.
Okay uh, why don't you just start by changing the sheets? Honey, that kinda sounds like a Johnny job to me.
Why don't we just put a "J" next to that.
No, no, no! We're putting an "R" next to that, Roland, I thought you said you had no problem doing grunt work.
Well Johnny, how's it going to look to have the mayor of the town changing sheets? Uh, we change sheets! Well great, so then, you've got it covered, let's put a big, fat "J" next to that one.
No, no, we're not putting a "J," we're putting an "R!" Or better yet, Roland, why not just get to work? This isn't exactly what I had in mind - when I said I needed help.
- Yeah, I know.
No, guys, look, I just need to find something that caters to my expertise.
That's all, you know what I can do? I can restock the soda machine.
Yeah, the soda machines are fine, Roland.
What would actually help is if you could clean a toilet or two, but obviously, you're too good for that.
- No, I can clean a toilet.
- You know what, - I think we made a mistake, Stevie.
- Mhmm.
- No! I wanna clean a toilet.
- We'll hire somebody else.
No, I need to clean a toilet! You need to clean a toilet? (Sighs) Yeah, I need to Johnny, I I mean, with the new baby coming, things are a little tight.
Joc and I have been trying to save, but we've been living off cold cuts and waffles.
And Jocelyn had to sell her Beanie Baby collection.
And she didn't get half what that Diana bear was worth.
And now she's working nights down at the gas station.
- She's working nights? - No, she's not, but she will have to if things get really bad.
(Whimpers) (Sighs heavily) All right.
- Here's what we're gonna do.
- Hmm? We're putting an "R" beside every single thing on this list.
(Smacks lips) Got it.
Now when you say "R," does that stand for Rose, as in Johnny Rose - Roland! It stands for Roland! - Okay.
And you can start by taking those sheets over to room two.
You got it.
(Birds chirp) (Keys jingle) Ew! What are you doing in my bed? Oh, David please, I couldn't possibly make it all the way to my own bed.
I'm-I'm just uh - I'm exhausted! - (Sighs) - Was it the footwork? - Oh, it was the footwork.
It was the score, it was the book, it was all of that, David.
But most severely lacking was me.
You were right, my dear.
I've had my time, and it's over now.
Um, I don't think I said that.
There is an elephant in the room David, and he's whispering, "retire!" Run David, go to Jocelyn, and tell her to cancel the evening.
Okay um well, I won't be doing that, but (sighs) there is one other option.
What? What if we did the number? - The number? - Yeah, I know, it was stupid, it was dumb.
It was a dumb idea.
David, you would do that for me? I thought you used to hate it when I'd trot you out in front of my friends? I still do, it's just that I'm finding this situation to be incredibly disturbing, and I will eventually need my bed back.
Do you think people would find it strange, - or even inappropriate? - Probably.
And do you think we still have it? I'll go plug in my hair straightener.
I hope you're not wearing your shoes.
(Audience applauds) Okay, let's have another round of applause for the children's choir, and their Kylie Minogue medley! (Audience applauds) Those were some racy lyrics! Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, I know that your headliner tonight is gonna surprise you, because she certainly surprised me when she told me just moments ago that she'd switched up her entire act, even though somebody put down a really hefty deposit on a wall of mirrors! (Chuckle turns into a sob) Okay anyways, without further ado, the main event! (Audience applauds) Oh, thank you so much.
Um, is this the number? It's the middle of summer.
Brr! It's awfully cold out there.
Um, they used to do this act every year at our Christmas party, and you can't unsee something like this.
(Laughs) - Ahem! - (Knocking) Oh, I wonder who that could be! It's television's Moira Rose! (Audience applauds) That's television's mom, to you.
(Fake laugh) You know, nothing is colder than the chill I get when I think of the dangers of asbestos poisoning.
Luckily, a little birdie told me that with enough funds raised, this town could be asbestos free by - (Feedback squeal) - Christmas! ("Jingle Bells" plays on the piano) - Ding! - Dong! - Ding! - Dong! - Ding! - Dong! - Ding! - Dong! Both: On the first day of Christmas, My true love gave to me, The keys to a Lamborghini - On the - Oh come all ye faithful Deck the halls with boughs of holly Yes, I said faithful, which rules out all of you! (Forced laugh, Johnny and Patrick laugh) (Jazz music plays) Both: God rest ye, merry gentlemen Let nothing you dismay may-may-may
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