Schitt's Creek (2015) s05e01 Episode Script

The Crowening

(Cell phone rings) Johnny: Kids! Your mother's on the phone, and it's her first day on set, so let's all make sure we keep her spirits high, okay? Alexis, come on.
Rose, I think you should answer it.
Yeah, she's over there all by herself, so it's gotta be stressful, right? - I mean, the jet lag, and - Oh my God, answer the phone! - That's why-that's why - Answer the phone, please! Put her on speaker, how do you put her on speaker? - Arghhh! - Speaker, speaker.
Yeah, hello? Moira? - - Moira: John? Hello? Hello? Moira? David, I don't think she can hear me! John, are you there? Yeah, I'm here, everybody's here.
I expected to hear from you yesterday.
Kids, say hi to your mother.
- Hey.
- Hi - She-she's not my mother.
- Who are those voices? Uh, your children! Oh Alexis, do you have strep again? - That was David! - Is that Stevie? Hi.
David! Oh, David, how's the store? Any new customers, or is it still friendless? Okay, thank you.
And John, I know disoriented you get in my absence.
Don't forget I left you that Sudoku book.
Yeah, well, I haven't needed it sweetheart, because I've been up since 5:00am, there's so much to do here at the motel.
But listen, how are you doing? I mean, how does it feel to be back in the saddle? Oh John, there's a sweetness in the air, and I'm not just saying that because we shoot next to a baklava factory.
(Snapping) Kids! Do you wanna put those magazines back, please?! No.
(Knock on door) Excellent, Hamza! Darlings, I must sign off.
I'm finally getting my tete-a-tete with the director.
He's some up-and-coming pretty young thing out of New York.
Well, sounds like your kind of people.
Yes! You come up with some real money, you can attract the best.
Well, zbogom, John! That's goodbye in the mother tongue! Okay, well, I'll sign off too, sweetheart.
Lots to do, but wishing you an exciting (Call beeps off) Okay, yep.
Miss you, too.
She already hung up.
Oh! Burn, Dad! Oh my God that's so embarrassing, you must feel ridiculous.
You better remember which nails you pulled those wigs from, because your mother keeps a spreadsheet.
- David? Come here, please.
- (Gasps) - I have a concern.
- Oh! Um, no.
Your natural deodorant isn't working.
Stop, David! No, come here.
- Sit! - What? - Um - What?! I just wanted to make sure that everything was okay between you and Patrick.
Yeah! Why? Why? What did what did he say to you? No, nothing.
I just got scared when I saw your score on this relationship quiz.
Oh my God! Because according to M'Lady Magazine, "How Electric is your Relationship" quiz from summer 1991, you and Patrick are "In Need of a Generator!" Poor thing! Okay, first of all, it's Major Lady Magazine, and second of all, that quiz is garbage.
Mm, totally, David.
This garbage quiz that it looks like you took more than once.
Yeah, because it's rigged.
You could take it 1000 times you'd still get the same outcome.
Oh, it's okay, David.
You and Patrick have settled in to that like, nine to five life, so things are probably starting to feel a little snooze-town.
You're dating a vet who irons his polo shirts.
Um, Ted and I got "Electrical Storm.
" So.
That's impossible.
What did you do to get that? Did you plug your hairdryer in with wet hands again? Hey, that happened twice David, let it go.
Sorry that we work hard to keep the sparks flying.
That's disgusting.
We've actually started taking every Friday afternoon off to go on "adventure dates.
" "Adventure dates" sound like something a marriage counselor would proscribe as a last resort.
Okay, fine I was gonna see if you guys wanted to join us this afternoon, but you probably have more exciting things to do, like put price tags on things, and It's merchandising day, actually.
Oh! Where are you going, anyway? Ted booked a tour of Elm Falls Park, which is like, a super cute look for us.
Sounds dumb.
Fine, text me the information, and I'll see if we're interested.
Oh! David? It could be worse.
You guys could be a "Total Power Failure.
" Mm! Eat glass.
(Door slams) Caw! Caw! My teamster brethren! Yes, it's me, if you can believe it! (Dog barks) (Woman laughs) (Low hum of chatter) (Knocks) (Door latch clicks) Okay, I told the producers I would approve background on set.
Oh! And I shall tell them the same.
You must be Blaire.
No last name.
Doctor Clara Beatrice Mandrake at your service.
Middle name wasn't scripted, but I've done my homework.
So, you're Rose, then? Moira Rose.
And I see what's happening here.
Break me down just to build me up again! Like Stan Kubrick did to Shelley.
Okay, I'm not really into games, and I'm due on set in an hour, so can whatever this is can wait 'til then? I imagine script revisions might be something you'd like to sign off on before the first clap of the boards.
There's a problem with the script? Well, just a few character adjustments.
(Laughs) I'm kidding.
The script's a total dumpster fire, of course.
Hah! If the script were garbage, I don't believe we'd have signed on.
It's an apocalyptic fantasy about mutant crows.
I think we all know what we're making here.
A timely allegory about prejudice.
- Okay, Maura, is it? - Moira.
My last picture was a $50 million dollar studio project.
I think it's safe to say that this is not that.
And what exactly is this to you, then? A trip to Bora Bora.
I see.
Bora Bora.
Caroline Kennedy once called it the Atlantic City of French Polynesia.
Okay, let's just cash our paychecks, and pray no one ever sees this, yeah? (Door slams) (Dog barks) (Door opens) - Morning, Stevie.
I'm just here to submit my letter of resignation.
Okay, you can just leave it right here on the desk.
Well, I haven't actually written it yet.
But I guess I can just dictate it to you right now.
Um, "To whom it may concern.
" Sorry Roland, why exactly are you quitting? Well, I would rather quit than come in here every day and be humiliated! I mean, I come to work, and Johnny's out there doing all my jobs! Yeah, he's been buzzing around - ever since Mrs.
Rose left.
- Yeah, exactly! I mean, come on, what's next? I go home and he's playing strip backgammon with my wife? (Laughs) Come on! - No, don't talk to me.
- Yeah.
I-I mean, I look in the mirror and it's Johnny's face staring back at me? Got it, Roland.
I'll talk to him.
Okay, well, I'll go with you.
Oh, look! This guy's wearing a work shirt.
He's even copping my look now! (Scoffs) Uh What ya doin' there, Mr.
Rose? Oh, I noticed there was a bit of blockage in the gutters.
But um Roland's in charge of doing the gutters.
Yeah, I'm the gutter guy, Johnny.
Everybody knows I'm the gutter guy! Well, it was on the to-do list for today.
Yeah, it was on my to-do list! What are you gonna do next, the bathrooms?! No, I haven't done the bathrooms.
Jeez, I wouldn't mind if he did the bathrooms.
Uh, is everything okay, Mr.
Rose? Yeah, never felt better.
I feel invigorated! Well, maybe you can move on to cleaning the windows, and give Roland his job back? Well, I've already done the windows.
It looks like Roland might have to find some other work.
Oh jeez.
Find some other work, do you hear him? What's gonna happen next? I go to my dermatologist, and Johnny's there getting my moles checked? Stevie: Point made Roland, thank you.
(Bell on door jingles) (Soft Jazz music plays) - Oh hi.
- Hi.
Have I ever told you how sexy it is to walk in here and see you doing um inventory? And wearing those little rubber thimbles on your fingers? They help me flip the pages easier.
Hot sex.
You know what else is hot and sexy? Doing something spontaneous this afternoon.
Ooh, like what? You helping me with the inventory? Yes.
Or taking the afternoon off.
Mixing up the nine to five.
Okay well, nine to five are our store hours.
So it's kinda hard to build customer loyalty when your store is just like, spontaneously open or closed.
Anyway, it turns out Alexis's relationship is in trouble.
- What? - Yeah, I know.
She practically begged us to join them at the park this afternoon, probably for emotional support.
Wow, we just saw them, they seemed totally fine.
I know.
Well, they're in need of a generator, if you know what I mean.
Well, I don't, but uh if you think it'll help a bad situation, I guess we could duck out a little early today.
It will just mean we'll have to start early tomorrow.
You know, it's that unshakable sense of responsibility that makes me wanna just rip those little rubber things, and burn 'em in a fire.
(Laughs) (Groans) Johnny: Twyla, can I get a lunch special to go, please? - Sure.
- Okay.
Oh! So no one thought to tell me about the team lunch today? Oh, we tried.
You just couldn't hear us over the sound of the lawnmower.
Yeah, lawnmower, as in mowing the lawn, which is also my job.
Am I supposed to be reading between the lines here? Well, I think we were just wondering if maybe the fact that you're so invigorated to work lately is because Mrs.
Rose is gone, and you're trying to fill a Fill a big, black empty hole in your life.
Is that pretty much what you were trying to say there, Stevie? Maybe not quite like that, but Okay, if you're suggesting that my work ethic has anything to do with Oh, it's Moira! I gotta to take this.
Moira, what's the good word? Oh John, I'm afraid I've made a grave error in judgment.
Oh sweetheart, I told you not to drink the tap water.
If only! At this moment an intestinal bacteria would wreak less havoc on my career! Well, I don't understand.
Everything was fine two hours ago.
John, you know me, I'm never one to complain.
I didn't bat an eye when I found out my accommodation here was in actuality a small "Bed or Breakfast.
" They feed me at work, I'll take the bed.
So then what's the problem? Our director appears to be on a kamikaze mission to sink this ship, and I refuse to be the goddess on its prow! Well, if you're not enjoying yourself anymore sweetheart, then coming home is always an option.
I mean, you must be missing your family.
Oh, thank you, John, but that's not it.
This was supposed to be my comeback vehicle, and opportunities like this come along ever so infrequently.
Well, Moira, I feel the answer is right in front of you.
This isn't some rinky-dink made-for-TV movie, or a voice gig for an X-rated Japanese video game.
That-that was rated "M" for "Mature," John.
All I'm saying is you have an opportunity here.
And if you want it bad enough, you've gotta fight for it.
You're right.
You're right! If Sandy Bullock hadn't fought to keep the Speed Franchise alive, we never would've had "Cruise Control".
John, thank you.
I would be lost without you.
(Kiss sound, beeps call off) Me too.
Everything okay? Yeah, everything's good, Stevie.
Everything's good.
So I'm gonna head back, uh, but you can brainstorm some things for Roland to do.
And if not, I have a window later, so I can take the job on if you like.
Just so you're aware, Mr.
Rose, the special is cream of mushroom soup.
We don't actually have to-go containers for that, so I've just double-bagged it.
Would you like a spoon, or a straw? (Birds chirp) I have to say, David, I'm a little shocked that you agreed to do this, I know how fearful you are of heights.
Well, "fearful" makes me sound like some Dickensian orphan with a chronic illness.
It's more an aversion.
Yeah, do I wish that Alexis was a little more specific when she said we were coming to a park? Uh maybe, but this, this is gonna be fun, I think for us.
- You know? - Yeah.
David, you look so cute under there! Like a tiny toadstool man, or a little acorn person, or something.
Hey! So glad you guys could make it! I hope you didn't have to like, rearrange your daily schedule, or anything, hm? Oh, no, no, no, we just agreed to finish doing the inventory tomorrow.
Mm, that's a sensible decision.
They look like they're really enjoying each other's company.
Yeah, they fake it well.
I actually did one of these at summer camp.
Yeah, and I couldn't imagine who wouldn't want to dangle 20 feet in the air on a series of shaky logs.
It's actually closer to 30 feet, bud.
David's never done anything like this before.
- Uh oh, we've got a virgin! - Okay, you might wanna talk to half my birthright trip about that.
All right, do you wanna go first, babe? - Hundred, babe.
- Oh okay, there we go! Hey.
Mm! All right.
You feeling okay, David? You're looking a little flushed.
No, just using a new tinted moisturizer, that's all.
It's all right.
- I guess I'll go.
- (Laughs) All right! This will be a fun adventure for us.
Yes Get the clip off, and you're ready to go.
- Babe! - Whoa, great job, babe! David! David! - Stop! (David whimpers) None of my phone chargers are working! I ask for a pressed juice, and all I get are blank stares.
Look, I just find it hard to believe that this was the best gig you could've gotten me.
Get my days down! Yeah.
- Hello, again.
- Hi.
I was hoping this might be an opportune moment to discuss the quagmire in which you fancy yourself ensnared? The what to the what now? I suspect you're viewing this enterprise as a barrier rather than a gateway to the future of your career.
Yeah, you really don't have to worry - about the future of my career.
- Is that so? Because I did a little "Ask Jeeves-ing," and you, Sir, were recently cut loose from a high-profile blockbuster.
We had artistic differences.
You were the artist, and they were indifferent! Yes, well, nothing is a sure thing in this business.
Nothing is a sure thing.
Which is why you should look at every opportunity as a pearl in an un-shucked oyster.
I would hardly call this an opportunity! I-I worked in soaps.
They had me play my own father, who then became pregnant despite the vasectomy.
I still hold the record for the longest-running demonic possession on daytime television.
Okay, what's your point? We were number one.
Every project has potential.
If you allow yourself to see it, and give it the respect it deserves, others just may follow suit.
Yeah, I really wouldn't know where to start with this one.
Hmm, well, here are my revisions.
If you care to discuss them, I'll be running lines in the nest.
(Blaire sighs heavily) Hey Stevie, don't mind me.
Just coming in for a quick cup of rocket fuel.
Nobody drinks that rocket fuel, Mr.
I know it tastes like something I found in that gutter out there, but uh it's the pick-me-up I need to finish reorganizing the shed.
(Exasperated sigh) You're reorganizing the shed? That's not on the calendar 'til next week.
Yeah well, with my evenings free, I mean, normally at this time Moira and I are deciding on dinner plans, but uh Okay, Mr.
Rose, I know I might be overstepping here, but I just wanted you to know that it's okay to miss your wife.
No, it's just an adjustment, that's all.
I mean, we're making adjustments all the time.
Yesterday I couldn't drink this coffee, and now we've been serving this to guests the whole time? Mr.
Rose, I-I hope that someday I find someone who I can stand long enough to feel a little lost when they're not around.
(Sighs heavily) I'm exhausted.
Eight days, Stevie.
That's the longest we've gone without seeing each other.
No matter where we were, and yeah, we've managed to keep it up for almost 40 years.
Well, see? It makes sense that you're a little out of sorts without her.
I'll tell you what's not out of sorts anymore, that shed! (Chuckles) Yeah well, now that you're done with the shed, maybe you could start sharing the jobs with Roland again? Yeah well, you're right, Stevie, and I will call Roland.
It's just I'm so tired From all the work I've been doing, so I'm thinking maybe you could No, it's just not my job.
Patrick: You can do this, David! Just one step at a time! You're looking pretty shaky there, David.
I really hope we didn't "rope" you into something here.
Alexis: Hey David, just pretend you're in like, a super dangerous walk-and-turn sobriety test.
Okay, I don't like this! Okay well then, just turn around! Why would he agree do this when he's afraid of heights? He's not afraid of heights, He's afraid of moths and butterflies.
And businesswomen in sneakers.
Okay, I can hear you! And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down.
I totally forgot! Argh! - I'm sorry, David! - Aah! I'm sorry, you were right, the quiz was rigged.
- What?! - What quiz? Okay, David took this relationship quiz, and it said that his relationship was like, in need of some excitement.
- What?! - David, I lied! I took the quiz like, 15 times.
"In Need of a Generator" is like, the only answer you can get.
Oh my God! Okay, I don't know what this is about, but this generator is running smoothly.
So we're doing all of this so that you can prove our relationship is exciting? I failed the stupid quiz, and Alexis made me feel bad about it.
David, you're basically 40 years old, I shouldn't be able to make you feel bad about anything.
I love our relationship.
I love it when you order me pizza.
I love when you use words like inventory! I even love those stupid rubber things you put on your fingers, 'cause you think they flip the pages faster.
They don't flip the pages faster.
They don't flip the pages faster! - Okay - I'm so sorry! We're gonna talk about the fact that we missed half a day of work to make this happen, But you did just do a tree walk 30 feet in the air for us.
- Yes, I did.
- Both: Muah! - (Tired exhale) - All right, guys, that's one rope down, seven courses to go.
- Hey.
- Don't touch me.
(Gravelly and shrill) My dear murder, soon we will walk once more walk amongst the humans.
But until that day comes, we must remember, the crows don't just have eyes we also have wings! Caaaaw! Awk! Caw! Caw! - Cut! Cut.
- (Buzzer sounds) Let me guess, he didn't like the rewrites, I don't know why, or really, even how, but something about this actually works.
All right then, then um might I ask why did we interrupt that take? Right, so at this point Moira, I'm gonna have a bunch of digital birds sort of circling around you, so if you can just be aware of them.
Aye, Captain.
Note taken.
Let's pick it up from there.
In terms of my eye-line, how many birds am I clocking? And of them, how many are mutants? Okay, winging it.
Action! (Gravelly and shrill) Listen to me aaawk! The day will come when we are no longer social outcasts! I am but a tail-feather away from finding the cure.
So please quiet your caws so that we may take up our cause redemption! Redemption! Awk! Awk! Ahaaa!
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