Schitt's Creek (2015) s05e06 Episode Script

Rock On!

1 Roland: Oh Johnny, I wish you had told us it was uh, movie day.
Stevie and I could've come up with some good recommendations for you.
What are we gonna watch, a silent movie from your childhood? It's not movie day, Roland.
We're watching an instructional video on professional workplace etiquette, and it's clear from the stain on your top that things have gotten just a little lax around here.
(Sighs) I made this at Rose Video a while back, but uh, I think you'll find it holds up pretty well.
Male Narrator: Employee Health and Safety Series.
Moira: (on video) Where is it? Let's see.
Oh wow, this looks like the videos Joce and I used to make.
Just focus on the content, Roland.
Moira: (on video): "Q, R, S," ah! There it is.
Here, let me help you with that.
Excuse me, Emilio! Pause.
That kind of physical touch is inapprop-ri-rate.
Let's rewind, and try again.
And now they're gonna come and do it again! (Laughing) (Rewinding sounds) Where is it? Let's see.
"Q, R, S," oh! There it is.
Here, let me help you with that.
Is this what you were looking for? A double-cassette of the "Best Body Swaps of Sunrise Bay", Season 21? Yes, thank you.
I've been asked to retrieve it for a customer with wonderful taste.
I value you as a fellow employee.
Perhaps you'd like to meet outside of work for a dinner at my place? Fast forward! - Oh! (Snickers) - Jesus.
Well, it's somewhat dated, but uh I think the principles of etiquette are still applicable today.
Hm.
Pretty timeless.
Yeah.
(Birds chirp) No, I'm not gonna be the one to tell her.
Tell me what? No, it's not about you, Moira.
Well, is it about Twyla needing to pick up the pace - on that solo? - What? No, it's about the Poison concert tonight being canceled at the casino.
And that's a problem because? Jocelyn's been looking forward to it for weeks.
This is her one night out.
Not to worry.
If she's anything like I was with a little moppet in the house, she'll find any ruse to escape for an evening.
The Poison concert was merely a device.
(Latch clicks, door creaks) Uh oh, ladies! Somebody better call Poison Control, because tonight's gonna be Nothin' but a good time! Yeah, I'm not gonna be the one to oh, okay.
Jocelyn, you might want to take a seat.
Oh no, there's no time for that.
No, no, we have to rehearse our Poison medley.
Because when Rikki Rockett makes direct eye contact with you during "Talk Dirty to Me", you are gonna want to talk dirty back! Oh gals, this is getting painful.
Jocelyn, wonderful news! They've refunded the price of your ticket for tonight's concert.
What? But I don't want a refund.
No, the show got pushed.
Looks like they double-booked Poison with The Doodlebops.
And the casino just sent out an apology.
Well, what are we supposed to do now?! I didn't pump for four hours straight to get on a chartered bus to go to the end of the street and back! We could go to the cafe.
Oh! Well, do they have a smoke machine at the cafe?! No, but I can ask George to burn something on the grill.
Moira: This is just sad.
Why can't we still go to the casino? If I'm holding the truth stick, I was never planning to attend the concert anyway.
I never pegged you for a gambling kind of gal, Moira.
Oh, I'm not above a naughty night of debauchery.
When Condi Rice, and Sharon Stone and I, used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City, well, let's just say, toi khong bao gio thua.
Okay, but it's been a really long time since I've spun that roulette wheel.
And this is the only casino I haven't been banned from as an unaccompanied minor.
Well, do we still have a reservation at Bucky's Fried Chicken House? Yes, but I wouldn't let that stop us! (Ronnie and Twyla laugh) Alexis: So you just plug in the information, and then it creates the website for you.
So what exactly am I paying you for, then? I'm your brand consultant, David.
I'm consulting with you on which template to use.
(Patrick laughs) Sorry, I'm just distracted, there's a guy over there currently flirting with my boyfriend.
- (Gasps) Poor thing.
- I know.
No, I meant you, David.
Oh hi, are you finding everything you're looking for? Um, actually, I was wondering if I could have a pen and paper? Hm, you planning on doing some journaling? Alexis: Hmm.
(Giggles) - There you go.
- Thank you.
(Bell on door jingles) Um score, Patrick! Look at you, just drowning in other people's phone numbers.
Who was that hunk with the teeny-weeny little polo? - His name is Ken.
- Ken! Just when I thought it was impossible to find a thirty-something named Ken! Oh, I think he looked younger than 30.
Get fucked Alexis! What exactly did Ken do with my pen? Did he write down a banana bread recipe? Or was he looking for directions to some place? - This is his phone number.
- Yes, it is.
Yeah.
Look at you go.
- Mhmm.
- And he like gave it to you in front of David, so clearly no threat there.
Hey Alexis, find a stick Can I at just enjoy this for a second? Of course, yeah! Enjoy Ken.
I mean, I think it's funny 'cause when he first walked in here I was gonna help him, so to think it could've been me enjoying Ken.
Yeah, I don't think so.
- Yeah, I think he liked me.
- This is fun! It's the great thing about owning a store, really, is getting to flirt with the customers.
You know, just last week, A woman came in and gave me her number.
Do you mean the woman who wanted to know when the soap would be back in stock? Who came in here with her husband and kids? Hasn't stopped me before.
But thank you for reminding me, I have to call her, the soap did come back in.
I'm just gonna put that right there.
Mhmm.
Johnny: Stevie? Stevie: Just a minute! Oh, I was talking to Roland about the latticework, and we figure if we uh, put the vines right up - the side of the motel oh! - Steve: Oh! Oh! Oh my God, Mr.
Rose! Oh! Okay.
No, no, no, that's okay.
I'm sorry.
- I said just a minute! - Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I-I was coming back to you, because I-I figured, you know, you'd be busy back there.
I was busy! - Taking a personal photo - Right, right.
For my doctor.
Right, well, it was, it was a medical uh, photo, and, and uh and you what? You text or email this right back to your doctor, I mean, what a-what an age we live in! I thought you were running errands! I was, I was, and-and uh I was at the nursery, there were no cars absolutely on the way home, and uh, so it was clear sailing, and that's what I was gonna tell you when I - until I - Okay! I am kind of seeing somebody, and it's like, a long-distance thing, so I Yeah, okay, I'm gonna stop, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I wish we had gotten to the second tape in the workplace etiquette series, that had a whole chunk on Polaroids.
- Oh my God! - Um, Stevie, look, look! All I saw was a business partner communicating with a friend, that's all.
Although you've just explained that it was a more intimate relationship with this uh, chap.
But uh, congratulations, by the way.
If-if uh, you know.
I think I need to take a walk around the block.
- Mhmm? - So, like, a couple of thousand times.
Okay, that's a good idea.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Take a walk.
And uh, you know, uh, get some, get some fresh air, and you know, clear your head.
And if you feel the need to finish that communication by the way, with your friend, just uh, maybe try and find a room with a locked door? (Door slams) But everything's okay Stevie, don't worry about that.
We're (sighs heavily) - I waited 35 minutes! - Oh, don't start.
(Jazzagals cheer) Oh, please, save your applause for Jocelyn, - who's right behind me.
- (Jazzagals cheer) You know what? I was going to change and then I thought, no, if my babysitter can show up wearing a crop top the size of a bib, I can wear this to a casino! (Jazzagals cheer) Jocelyn, you look amazing.
Yes, why not throw caution and the dress code to the wind? I'm sure the maître d' at Bucky's will make an exception! - Let's get goin'! - (Jazzagals cheer) If the bus is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'! Jazzagals: Wooo! Yeah! Moira: I've come prepared with casino must-haves: oxygen drops, antibacterial wipes, and military-grade caffeine pills.
The pills came from Condi, so if anyone asks, you found them on the floor.
Mrs.
Rose, when you said you were bringing essentials, I thought you meant snacks, and something to drink.
No.
- Well, nothing for the road? - Don't worry ladies, I've got you covered, this afternoon I made some - magic brownies! - (Jazzagals cheer) THC and carbohydrates.
Oh Moira, we don't expect you to have one.
One? At least one.
Okay (Engine starts, cork pops) Who wants some zhampagne? Jazzagals: Yeah! Wooo! (Bus rumbles) (Soft Jazz music plays) So, whatever happened to that phone number? Uh, it might still be in my pocket.
Why? Hm.
Just keeping it close? Well, I haven't thrown it out yet.
What are you doing?! I'm obviously not gonna use it.
Why not? Uh, because I'm in a committed relationship.
I know that.
- I think you should call him.
- What?! Skin-tight clothes aside, do you find Ken attractive? I mean, sure.
Then I think you should call him! David! Consider it a selfish act on my part.
You have only been with me.
And Rachel, and like, a handful of other girls.
Okay, we've all been with a handful of other girls.
- But I'm the only guy.
- So? So inevitably there might come a point where you find yourself curious about being with other people.
So why not explore that now, so that we don't have to have this conversation five years down the line.
Oh, so you think we're gonna be together 5-years from now? I think a cute boy gave you his number, and you should go for dinner, and run free.
Best case scenario, you realize how good you have it with me.
Worst case scenario, you realize how good you have it with me.
Fun! Stevie: Okay, Mr.
Rose? Uh, I've thought a lot about what happened, uh, maybe a little too much about what happened.
And I think for the sake of the business, that we should just put it all behind us.
- Okay, good.
- Good.
Thank you, Stevie.
What happened? Mr.
Rose saw me topless.
- Oh! Oh! (Laughs) - No! No! I I didn't completely see anything, but I got the gist of what you were doing.
I didn't know anyone was here! Oh Johnny, I don't think the woman in that video would approve.
The woman on the video is Moira, and no, she would not approve! I would not approve! It was an accident.
Trust me, it will never happen again.
Understood.
I really don't know what to say to the two of you.
Well, you don't have to say anything, Roland.
Less is more in a situation like this.
Well, I did just think of one thing.
- Please don't! - It's more of a limerick.
All right, enough, Roland.
Thank you, we're going to move on now.
Stevie, Room Three needs a change over.
I would be happy to leave and do that.
- Thanks.
- (Cell phone chimes) Whoa! (Laughs) Aah! Stevie! Your friend just responded! - Oh my God, gimme that! - Hmm.
Oh my uh, I'll be taking the rest of the day off.
Okay.
- (Door slams) - Yeah I'd say her friend responded.
(Guffaws) (Crickets chirp) Alexis: Hey, can you give me a ride to Ted's? It's basically on the way to Patrick's.
It's in the opposite direction, and I'm not going to Patrick's tonight.
Why? Because we don't have plans tonight.
- He has plans with someone else.
- Who? Okay, can you utilize like, a little bit more of the English language? If you must know, I sent Patrick off to have dinner with that guy who gave him his number today.
That hot piece from the store? Why would you do that? Because I think it's funny, and I also think it's important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.
What if he doesn't come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I'd send them off with someone who like, wasn't a threat.
Like, Pippa Middleton, or Rihanna.
Okay, well, I hardly think Ken is a threat.
Mm, tell that to his million dollar smile, David.
- Okay.
- So what are the GRs? - The what? - The ground rules.
What ground rules did you lay down before you sent him off with that hottie-boom-bottie? Okay, I haven't sent him off with ground rules, because this is a one-night thing.
Did you say that? No.
So at this point he could like, spend the night, double-dip, - kiss on the lips! - I don't know! Okay, this is why you have ground rules, David! Josh Groban has a thick, leather-bound binder full of them.
Patrick didn't even wanna do this.
I basically forced him into it.
Is it too late for any amendments? I thought this was a good idea, and now you're making me feel like I made a mistake.
Okay, you haven't made a huge mistake yet, David, we probably won't find out about that until tomorrow.
Okay, I have never been in this position before, usually I'm the one finding out I'm in an open relationship after the fact, and now you're making me feel like I've just shipped my boyfriend off to fall in love with someone else! Ugh! I was supposed to go to dinner with Ted, David! Then go for dinner with Ted! Well, now I feel like I should be here for you! Why? (Groans) Let's just hope we don't find out.
What?! Ugh (Ball rattles) Are we up yet? It's either black or red, even or odd.
And you never know where you're gonna land.
I'm sorry, Jocelyn? If you'dve told me 20-years-ago I'd be standing here with an empty chip bucket, stoned out of my mind at a Doodlebops concert, I would've lit a menthol, and had a laugh.
You went to that show? I stepped in briefly, Roland Jr.
's a huge fan of "Wobbly Whoopsy.
" Moira, you may not believe this, but I used to rock out.
Well, of course you did, as did anyone with brain cells to kill.
I'm thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and the Rolling Stones.
You rocked with the Stones? All except Charlie, but every party has a pooper.
Moira, it's like, on the inside I feel like I'm 19-years-old, and then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and realize that I'm so not.
Oh Jocelyn, you'll soon learn that we aging mortals are blessed with weakening eyes and memories so we don't have to really see ourselves.
If you love the number 19, you go be 19.
And while you're at it, bet on it.
I can't take all of these! It only looks like a lot.
Do as you will.
Jocelyn, but whatever you do, rock onwards and upwards! Mhmm! Yeah! (Hushed roar) (Door slams) (Keys jingle) - Ah, Stevie.
- Oh my God! I forgot my bag, and I thought you might have gone home for the night, so Oh no, I was just about to leave, but uh, I'm glad I caught you.
Can we pretend today didn't happen? Oh, consider it erased.
Thank you.
Although, I did wanna say just one thing, if I could put my friend cap on for a minute.
I'm glad things are working out with you and your gentleman friend.
And I'm just piecing things together here.
Thank you, Mr.
Rose.
I hope he makes you happy, Stevie, and that's all that matters to me.
And from this point forward, I am staying out of it.
We never have to talk about this again.
Okay.
Remember Emir? The guy who came to review the motel? The one who asked you to lunch? Yes, that would be him.
Oh! Well, he seems like a nice guy.
- Yeah.
- Good job.
Good taste in motels.
And clearly he likes you a lot.
And I'm not saying that just because of the photo.
Oh my God, Mr.
Rose! - Okay, rewind, please.
- See you tomorrow! Yeah, okay, see you tomorrow, Stevie.
Does anyone want more Bucky's? No! Who knew everything would contain chicken? Oh, that dessert menu was especially disappointing.
"Black forest tenders.
" Jocelyn's still not answering her phone.
Well, somebody ought to go look for her! Tah-dah! (Laughs) Oh, Jocelyn, is that you? Yes! I took your advice, Moira.
And what advice was that?! Yes, Jocelyn, what advice did I impart that translated into this daring new coiffure? That I can still rock on! Your chips bought this! And you certainly risked it all, didn't you? Yeah! (Laughs) I'm ready to go home.
Okay.
Wow, Jocelyn.
It must feel so light and breezy.
Mhmm! (Laughs) Ha ha! Yeah.
Yes, I love it, too.
I know.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Do you recognize me from earlier? I have a new hairdo! Alexis: Hey Ted, I'll be there soon, but I just can't leave David alone right now.
Yeah, no, apparently they left for dinner at seven.
Radio silence.
Nothing, not a word.
Anyway, I will be there soon, and I love you so much.
Okay Oh my God, imagine? (Giggles) Muah! Muah! This is not how I wanted to spend my night.
Me neither.
And David, I know what you're thinking, they're probably back at his house, listening to Frank Ocean, laughing, and re-hydrating.
Yeah, the more I think about this, the more I realize it was way too early to have introduced this into the relationship.
I mean, I thought I was being mature, but in actuality, it was just a classic case of self-sabotage.
Chill, David.
Hey! (Thumps table) Yes, those are all valid points, but this is a moment of growth for you.
Was it flawlessly executed? No.
Would I have done it? Hell no.
Okay, if this is intended to be helpful, - you can leave now.
- But what I was gonna say is, if a cute guy that walks into your store is enough to unravel your whole relationship, you're better off knowing that now, than in a year from now.
(Knocking) Do I want to hear about it? I couldn't do it.
Oh.
Come in.
I don't want to date Ken! I don't think I ever said "date".
Was it the lack of ground rules? - Hi.
David - Mhmm? I love you, and I really appreciate what you were trying to do for me, but I feel no need to meet up with other guys right now.
Okay, I mean if that's what you want, then I guess I'm I'm fine with it, I mean, I'm easy either way.
Oh.
Also, this is gonna sound totally petty, but something about his shoes just made me feel really weird, 'cause they were like, long and pointy, but then - Squared off at the toe.
- Yes! Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
I know, it's okay.
It's okay.
Okay, this is a really long hug now.
Just need one more minute, mhmm.
("Every Rose has its Thorn" by Poison plays) We all still like it, right? I think it really brings out my eyes, right, Gals? Sure.
It's not like we think it's a mistake, or we regret it, right? Oh, you never regret a good time, Jocelyn.
Thank you, Moira.
You'd tell me the truth, I know.
(Nervous laugh) It's really short.
Every rose has its thorn