Schitt's Creek (2015) s05e08 Episode Script

The Hospies

1 It's the last day of our auditions, Moira.
We might have to lower our standards if we're gonna find our lead.
Lowering your standards is a slippery slope, Jocelyn.
Next thing I know you'll be telling me we'll be staging this production at the school gymnasium.
Very dapper, Mr.
Rose! Like the maestro of a Lebanese orchestra.
Congratulations Johnny, I never thought I'd see this little motel recognized for anything, besides the occasional cockroach! I made myself laugh there.
Well, always nice to be nominated, Jocelyn.
But I'm not putting too much stock in regional hospitality awards.
The revisions for your acceptance speech are on the vanity, dear.
Oh thank you, sweetheart.
So how's the uh, casting hunt going? Oh, disconsolate, John.
We may be looking at putting an ad in broadwayworld.
com.
Perhaps there's a chorus girl on holiday, looking for a leg up.
Okay, hi! First of all, I'd like to remind you that this is a live-work space, and second, fine, I'll do it.
Do what, dear? I'll step in as the star of your musical.
No! No, with your responsibilities as our in-house publicist, I couldn't ask you to do that now.
Okay, well, you seem pretty desperate, so I'm happy to help.
Johnny: Well Moira, I'd consider it.
I mean, we did spend all that money flying in Barbara Streisand's vocal coach that summer Alexis wanted to be the next Jessica Simpson.
Alexis, a brief stint on a reality show, that's one thing, but acting, that's Um, the producers of "A Little Bit Alexis" insisted that I take acting classes after we started shooting, so.
Almost makes me want to try out for it myself.
Okay, now we're all just getting the sillies.
Best we stick to our award-nominated day jobs.
Well, I'm sure that Alexis has a song that she could sing for the audition.
Audition? Okay, do I have to remind you about the album that I released? Moira, what's the worst that can happen? Besides the inevitable accusations of nepotism! Well, for what it's worth, Alexis, I always thought "Hampton's Hoes" was quite catchy.
Boop! Johnny: Oh, Stevie.
You look very nice.
- No, I don't.
- Uh, yes, you do! Very spiffy! That's a lovely dress.
I literally pulled it out of the laundry, Mr.
Rose.
I've had it forever.
You know it's not a bad thing to admit you really care about these awards, Stevie.
You're bringing a bag? You know, I almost brought a change of clothes myself.
Moira told me to pack a second suit for the after-party, but uh, who am I, George Clooney? No, Mr.
Rose, that's a weekend bag.
I'm going away for the weekend.
Oh.
I told you I'm taking Monday off! Yeah, but I didn't know you were going someplace.
Uh, Emir is presenting at the awards, so I just thought I might drive around with him for a few days after.
Oh so it sounds like you two are getting pretty serious? Uh, I guess we'll see what happens this weekend.
Roland: Hello, guys, uh whoa! Look at us! Who are we? Brad Pitt and his handsome brother? And Johnny? Why the jacket, Roland? You know you're not going to the awards.
Johnny, you asked me to manage the motel while you were away.
I'm not gonna show up just dressed like some schlub off the street! Like you do every day? Wow, okay.
This one puts on a dress and suddenly she's Rita Rudner.
Guys, I am really gonna miss this workplace banter.
- We are coming back, Roland.
- Oh.
At least I'm coming back, I don't know about Stevie.
Oh my God, we should really get going.
How about one picture before we go? Roland: Great idea, okay.
Stevie, do you mind? Here we go.
I meant a picture of me and Stevie.
Absolutely, no, that makes perfect sense.
Okay.
And everybody Put Mr.
Rose in it.
I just don't get the big reveal, it's a bathroom.
It's not just a bathroom, David, it's a passion project.
I'd kill to be that passionate about a bathroom that you've now decided to open up to the entire town.
Yeah well, we can't afford to keep a private bathroom, David, we're losing customers to the cafe.
Besides, you're the one who started serving booze at those evening events.
Um, those evening events are part of a summer series.
- Oh - We sold 30 dreamcatchers at that Cosmic Meditation Clinic.
Huh.
Yeah, you know what? You were right.
It does look beautiful.
- What the f - So, I'm confused.
Where does the bathroom start, and all this garbage end? Ronnie swore this would be done today.
Ronnie: Yep, but you ran out of tiles.
It doesn't help that you picked the most expensive ones.
Okay, you asked for my opinion, I don't know how much Romanian marble costs! I was hoping to get my hands on a few more in an hour or so, but that is TBC at this point.
Okay, Ronnie, uh, this installation was just supposed to last two days.
And now half of our store is covered in tarps, and David's organized some writers' retreat for tomorrow night.
It's a calligraphy workshop.
We're working as fast as we can, you have my cell! Could you have not at least asked her to finesse the tarps? I mean, there's green tape everywhere! The tarps aren't staying up, David.
This bathroom's getting finished today, because that's what we discussed, - that's what's gonna happen.
- Okay, it's just that you waited until after she left to put your lil' foot down, so I'm just not sure if she's aware of that plan.
She obviously thinks we're a couple of pushovers.
Okay, speak for yourself.
All I did was pick out some gorgeous tile.
I'm pregnant.
That's it, that's the end of my audition.
- Indeed it is.
- I'm fine with nudity.
Not necessary.
Thank you.
She looks like she may have seen the inside of a smoky German bar or two.
Who knows, a haircut, some dance lessons Moira, I feel like we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
I think that we should bring Alexis in.
Jabberwocky! There are still stones left unturned! Okay, you're actively trying to prevent Alexis from auditioning here, and I don't want to get in the middle of some mother daughter competition thing, Competition! Nothing of the sort.
No, Alexis just doesn't have the - life experience.
- Really? Because according to her stories Well, she's had her fair share of adventures, yes.
But the role of Sally Bowles requires an actress who can mine a deeper, darker cave.
A woman encumbered with secrets she will take with her to the tomb.
Hence the high praise Gina Gershon and I received for the role.
You know what, Moira? I'm gonna bring Alexis in.
And don't worry, I will handle the audition, so it is less of a struggle for you.
Fine, you're on your own.
Boy, it looks like "Best Customer Service in a Motel Under 20 Units" is up fifth, that's the big one.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Stevie, if we win, and I know that's a big "if," do you think you'll be doing any talking up there? - It's all you, Mr.
Rose.
- Okay.
Excuse me, is this the children's table? Young at heart, maybe.
Johnny Rose, but I'm sure you remember me, Emir, You declared our motel a "must stay".
How could I forget, Mr.
Rose, good to see you.
And you are? Uh, I'm just waiting for my date.
So that seat's taken.
Oh, well, can I uh buy you a drink while you wait? I guess, but he won't be too happy about it.
From what I've heard, he'll take what he can get.
- So you're probably safe.
- I should point out, they have been coming by with drink trays.
Oh yeah, we'll just go to the bar.
Okay, well, I'm sure you have some catching up to do.
David, look.
Ronnie is sitting in that booth with Roland, laughing about something.
Okay.
She says she's working as fast as she can.
We don't have a bathroom, David! I'm well aware of that.
You know, my uncle's a contractor.
I know how this works, you've gotta stay on top of it, or they will find a million reasons to just drag it out.
Mhmm, well, my ex-best friend was a crisis manager, and she told me multiple times, not to talk to anyone.
Especially while they're eating.
So I'm gonna just Roland: Oh hey, Pat.
What are you doing? Playing hooky, or did the store finally close? I don't laugh a lot, but that was good.
That is funny, especially considering we are open, but hey, who knows for how long? Because right now, it sorta looks like a quarantine station.
I'm sorry, are you implying something? You know, I'm just saying, uh, the bathroom's supposed to be done today, and you say you're working as fast as you can, but uh, here I find you with Roland.
Okay, FYI.
Roland is the hook-up for your tiles.
His cousin, Arnie, gets them at cost.
So I thought I would thank Roland by buying him lunch.
Because that's how I do business.
Makes sense.
I was just sort of uh checking in.
I could always cancel the order, if that's how you wanna do business.
Roland: Ooh! Ouch.
I would run out and get some aloe Vera pal, 'cause you just got burned.
Hi, is everything okay? I don't know, you tell me.
Yeah, no, I was just uh, telling Ronnie what a what a great job she's doing on the bathroom.
And uh, we should get back to the store.
Okay, do you still need to use the restroom? What? Nope! Uh, came here for you.
So we should go.
Thanks for checking in.
Is everything okay? You look more pale than normal.
Okay.
Hi, my name is Alexis Rose, represented by Alexis Rose Talent.
Okay, what are you gonna be singing for us today, Alexis? I have chosen to perform the title track off of my critically reviewed, limited reality series, - "A Little Bit Alexis.
" - Ooh! Feel free to sing along if you know the words.
Okay.
Are you ready? Let's do it.
I'm a Lamborghini I'm a Hollywood star I'm a little bit tipsy When I drive my car I'm expensive sushi I'm a huge, huge yacht I'm a little bit single Even when I'm not Ah! Ah! I'm little bit I'm a little bit I'm a little bit of la la la-la-la-la-la A little bit Alexis La la la-la-la-la-la A little bit Alexis Oh wow, okay.
- La-la-la - Just wonderful.
Okay, yeah, I still actually had a few more verses.
And in the last verse, I really get to showcase my range.
Oh no, you know what? I think that just that 30 seconds is more than enough to go off of, yeah.
Are you saying I booked it? Great question! Jocelyn? Well, we do have to see all the other candidates.
But we will definitely get back to you.
Okay.
Okay.
Oooh! Oh So what do we think? Well, there is a place for her somewhere.
- On stage?! - No! Moira, I saw your talent, and I thought, well, the apple can't fall far from the tree.
Different orchard, Jocelyn.
Though I do admire the confidence.
What are we gonna do now? "We?" We are at the precise intersection of which I tried to steer us clear.
No, Babs Streisand's vocal coach quit the business after just two lessons with our sweet Alexis.
He now lives in a monastery.
Wow, it took a while to get the drinks, yet, I don't see any drinks.
Oh uh, we just finished them at the bar.
Oh, I see.
Well, you got back at the perfect time.
Elmdale Moto Lodge just won "Best Motel Suite.
" Coincidentally, the Hospies Committee just had their retreat there last fall.
I'm not saying something's up, but uh - Okay - Emcee: Our next award So, what are you doing after this? Oh, well, I happen to have a king suite at the Elmdale Moto Lodge in exchange for presenting an award today, so Well, I did pack a bag.
Oh my.
Just thought I'd tag along with you for a few days, you know, tour the best and brightest in dusty roadside accommodations.
Oh! I will be traveling with royalty, after all.
- Johnny: Getting close, - Stevie.
Stay calm! Wait, I'm sorry, I-I'm not sure if we're still joking around.
Well, I took Monday off, and I know you have a few more motels to hit, so Oh! Yeah no, that would be fine.
That would be fine? That's the kind of reaction you want.
No, I'm sorry, sorry, I just, I you just caught me a little off guard.
I just wanna make sure that we're still - on the same page here.
- Yeah, totally.
Yeah good, good, okay.
'cause you know, I thought this was just something great that happened when it happened.
- It is.
- Stevie! I mean, you know, I'm on the road so much, and you've got the motel to run, I don't see any of that changing any time soon.
Okay.
But what if it could change? I'm sorry, I-I don't see that happening for either of us.
Oh.
Emcee: The winner is Rosebud Motel.
Oh! Yessssss! Stevie, we did it! Oh my God! Ohhhh! Stevie! Look at her, she's stunned! Um - Hey! - Hey! You're home.
I was just gonna leave you that little note and a box of chocolates.
I got the part, didn't I? Come in, come in! Ohhh Yay! Nom nom! I now see that there are different ways to interpret chocolates.
Alexis, I just wanted to say Moira: Am I hearing Jocelyn? Yeah, she's come to tell me the good news! Oh, did she? Chocolates? Are we celebrating, Jocelyn? The chocolates were a mistake.
Alexis, after very careful consideration, I've decided that you are overqualified for the role.
I know, but I'm totally fine with that.
And I really value you as our in-house publicist.
Jocelyn, no.
Oh, we can see where this is going.
Part of me thinks that maybe we should give the role to somebody who really needs it.
Oh Alexis, I wanted to fight for you, but I had to recuse myself as your Mummy! Okay, um Who did you pick? We're still looking.
So you picked no one over me? That would be a Jocelyn question.
Maybe there's a better role for you.
What's better than the lead? Yes, I'm curious about that as well.
Kit Kat Club Dancer Number Six! - Hah! - Sorry? She doesn't have a lot of lines, but she has a very sexy costume, and a lot of face time on stage, - which I know that you love - I love both of those things.
Okay, um would that require like, another audition? No, no! No, the part is yours.
Jocelyn, how wonderfully generous of us.
Okay.
Well, I'm guess I'll have to put you in touch with my agent.
But I think you already have her number.
And we'll get going on negotiations! I would have my agent accept that offer, dear.
Yes.
Thank you.
Woo! How 'bout that, partner, huh? Not bad for a couple of years' work.
Hey trust me, I'm just as shocked as you are.
But this is ours, and no one can take it from us.
Sorry, Sir, uh, I'm gonna need to take that for the next category.
We'll be mailing yours in six to eight weeks, along with the bill.
Okay, great.
Yeah, okay.
Well, that's probably for the best, I mean, I don't wanna be lugging that thing around - to all the after-parties.
- Mhmm.
So, Stevie, I thought we'd go for a celebratory dinner, huh? Yeah.
Unless that steps on your plans with Emir? Nope, there's no more plans anymore, so, whatever you wanna do.
Your weekend plans got pushed, or ? Uh no, just canceled.
It was a stupid idea anyways.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Okay, well, you know what, if it's okay with you, why don't we beat the traffic, and just just head home, 'cause I gotta be honest, I'm I'm feeling awfully tired, actually.
Mr.
Rose, I know how important this is to you.
Oh Stevie, we got what we came for.
Well, we didn't actually get it, they took it back.
I mean, what kind of cheap-ass award show takes back an award?! Mr.
Rose, I don't think I can go back out there.
Well, tell you what, you stay here, I'll grab your bag, and maybe a few shrimp for the road? Yeah, thanks.
Patrick: I don't regret what I did.
Well, look who it is.
Ronnie, we want to apologize for the miscommunication this afternoon.
We? What's that? This is just a, an expression of our continued appreciation.
I don't see any of that blue cheese in here.
David, did you put any of the blue cheese in there for Ronnie? That cheese was very expensive.
We'd be happy to run some over.
So what would be the update on the tiles, then? Funny you should ask.
I was just heading out to run them over.
- Ah! - Hmm.
So I wonder if you still need the basket, then.
Oh, I still need the basket.
So uh, does this mean that the whole project could be wrapped up then, by tonight? Did I just say that I was heading out right now? - Yes, she did! - She did, great.
Uh so, should we just jump in with you? I don't think so.
What about just me then, Ronnie? This went well I think.
Yeah.
Well, hello, you! Mrs.
Rose, what are you doing here? I thought you and I might celebrate your big award! Come in.
Oh, thank you.
And I was made aware there was a loss, as well.
Yeah.
Turns out, someone who's been working the front desk of a motel her whole life isn't exactly a turn-on.
I was speaking of his loss.
Stevie, underneath the brambly tartan blousant is a chrysalis, just bursting with potential.
Well, I'm glad somebody thinks so.
Yes, perhaps she just needs a bit of a shock to her daily routine.
That's kind of what I was going for, Mrs.
Rose.
Well, the kind of shock I'm referring to, Stevie, will not come in the form of a man.
What is this? Oh, just a gift that once jolted me out of my little Podunk routine.
Me, in front of people? I am not an actor.
And neither is the lead in the play.
She's simply a headstrong young woman, who's been knocked about a few times, and looking to make the most of herself.
Did Mr.
Rose put you up to this? No, this inspired piece of stunt-casting was an idea all my own.
And we can't find anyone else.
- Thank you - You're welcome.
I should've led with this.
Please tell me you can sing.
I sing in the car.
Good enough.
Okay.
Peruse.
At your leisure.
Okay.
Oh, I see you've opened a bottle of wine already, I won't burden you with another.
Bye.
Bye.