Schitt's Creek (2015) s05e14 Episode Script

Life is a Cabaret

1 (Birds chirp) (Low happy whistling) Oh my gosh, is this what marriage is? Nope, this is just left over from the picnic yesterday, and I didn't wanna waste it so.
- (Glasses clink) - Hmm, you could've lied.
And what are we doing over here? Hmm.
I'm just editing some of our engagement photos.
- Oh! - You look great.
I look like I crawled out from under a bridge.
Hey, have you given any more thought to uh, when you wanna start telling people? I'm kinda scared to do it today, I don't think your mom would want anything upstaging opening night of the show.
Yeah, and I think we need that added hiccup, so - So, tomorrow then? - Yeah.
I mean, I haven't really given it that much thought.
- Yeah.
- So one other option.
What if, after the show tonight, we corralled a few people back to the motel? You know, we talk about the show for five to ten minutes, then maybe dim the lights, pop some bubbly, put some music on.
I could stand up and give a speech.
I'd look to you, you don't need to give a speech, but at this point I think Alexis will be getting misty, which will send sort of this intoxicating ripple effect through the room.
Most people will be sobbing.
And I'll be holding back tears, but the fact that I'm holding them back, I think, will make it all the more powerful.
And you can be topping up drinks.
Great to know you've barely given this any thought.
I am gonna start the day.
Big show tonight.
- Good luck, honey! - It's "break a leg".
(Alexis hums under her breath) Aah! Oh, just checking in on my little girl, and see how she's feeling about everything.
Okay, she'd be feeling a lot better if you weren't checking in every five minutes.
Anyway, I just stopped by to uh give you this.
Thank you.
That's very sweet.
Well, you don't have to open it now.
No need to open it now, you can open it later.
Even though the intention was to maybe open it before the show.
Okay, fine, I will open it now.
But ever since I told you I was leaving, you've been giving me little things that just make me feel bad about it.
Oh, that's not true, honey.
That's-that not true at all.
(Paper rustles) Like this.
Well, that's a little something you can use backstage tonight, or maybe put it on your bedside table when you're away.
You expect me to bring this with me?! This frame is like, ten pounds! "Break all your legs.
" A well-intentioned, if not slightly misguided sentiment from the Elmdale Arts Council.
Alexis, when do you and Theodore depart for your equatorial adventure? Ted leaves tonight.
I leave in a week.
Well, that seems like poor planning.
Why aren't you flying with him tonight? - Because I'm in the show.
- Well, Of course you are! Oh! Well, I have to tell you, I am impressed! Alexis, my phone's been ringing nonstop since 7 a.
m.
you certainly engaged the press.
Thank you.
If I'm receiving this kind of buzz from a boutique theatrical run, imagine the fanfare you will drum up when the "Crows" movie gets its premiere date.
What do you mean, "that I will drum up?" Well, after careful cogitation, and two attempts to get Lizzie Grubman to do some pro Bono work, I have decided Alexis, I would love you to do all my publicity! Oh my God! What?! When is this supposed to happen? Last I heard, the fall.
I will be in the Galapagos.
Well, again, poor planning.
Well, you just told me right now! Oh, this sounds like an opportunity, Alexis.
I mean, are you sure being away this long - is such a good idea? - Yes! I'm going to support my boyfriend, and hopefully, eat, pray, love, a bit for myself.
Yes.
Family! Family.
We need to stop and embrace this precious moment.
And I'm not just saying that because David's at Patrick's, and the energy is unusually light around here.
We are all on the precipice of greatness.
And we should cherish these moments, before everything changes.
(Cell phone rings) Hmm.
And I'm still cherishing.
Just oh, I do have to take this.
It could be the Elm Grove Sentinel calling about my cover story.
Moira Rose Enterprises, how may I direct your call? Well, yes, my assistant is very busy.
Dad! (Groans) (Door opens) (Laughs) Uh oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Who are those for? - They're for you.
I wanted to wish you luck for your big show.
You've been stepping very far outside of your comfort zone, and I think that takes a lot of courage.
I don't think I've ever heard you use - the word "courage" before.
- Hmm.
Outside of criticizing someone's style choices.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
You're only this happy when you have gossip, or there's something in the news about Oprah.
There's something in the news about Oprah.
She got new espadrilles.
Oh my God, David.
You have a show to focus on, we'll celebrate tonight.
Celebrate what? You! The show.
So, I guess I'll just see you tonight, then.
- Bye.
- Fine.
Patrick proposed, and I said yes.
Oh my God! Oh my God, David! - I know.
- Oh my God! (Laughs) I'm so happy for you! Oh! Oh my God! When did this happen? Last night.
Oh my God! (Sobs) Ohhh! Are you okay? Oh! Yes.
I'm happy! You just caught me off guard.
See, this is why I wanted to wait.
No, I'm glad you told me! It's just nerves.
About the show.
Okay.
Which I should get back to doing.
Because there's this scene that I just can't get.
Well, you are the only person I've told, so if we could just keep this between us until after the show, that would be great.
Got it.
Congratulations, David.
Thank you.
(Door opens, then slams) (Sobbing) Roland: Yeah, uh, dark hair.
Answers to the name "Stevie".
Um, kind of looks like a vampire.
A little skittish when approached.
Um, you know, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but if you have a tazer, you may want to use it.
Okay, yeah, thanks, bye.
I should've known the risk.
The toll that stage fright can take on someone who's not used to the hot sting of the spotlight.
I was a fool not to let Gwen understudy.
What is going on in here? Stevie's gone missing, and I don't wanna be an optimist here, but it's not looking good.
What? What do you mean, Stevie's gone missing? I can't find her anywhere! I've called her all day, and Bob saw her crying at the gas station.
The last thing she said to your father was, - What?! - She had to do something.
Well, I saw her this morning.
Huh, well you may have been the last person to see her, Dave.
I don't know how you're gonna feel about this, but I'm gonna need some hair samples.
What happened, David? Did you say anything that might have triggered her? You have that effect on people.
Uh, she said she was nervous about the show.
With but a handful of hours before curtain? Any morsel of Intel is crucial! Fine! Patrick proposed to me yesterday, and I may have told her about it.
- Oh, David! - Wow, a wedding.
Congratulations, Dave.
I don't know what to say.
I know, it was very overwhelming for me, as well.
Why could you not have waited until after the show to tell people you're engaged?! You're engaged?! This is not how the announcement was supposed go! Okay, but I'm gonna be away! - Who's gonna plan the wedding? - Well, I could ask Jocelyn.
She planned her brother-in-law's funeral for under a hundred bucks.
Okay, this is like, the last thing I needed to hear today! When did this become about you? Exactly! If we don't find Stevie, a lot of people are going to be very disappointed! I just announced I'm getting married! David, you and your wonderful Patrick have years to celebrate! What a unanimously disastrous day this is turning out to be! Ugh! What the fuck?! (Noisy sobs) (High-pitched squeaky whimper) Okay, so I told Stevie and next thing you know, she is nowhere to be found.
I just wish this whole engagement announcement hadn't gotten so out of control.
I mean, people are coming up to me that I haven't even spoken to yet.
Gentlemen, major show drama aside, I just wanted to say congratulations to the future Mister and Mister.
- Or is it "Misters?" - See? Now Jocelyn, how did you find out? Oh, from Moira.
Maybe Alexis.
Possibly Gwen.
Thanks Jocelyn, but I'm actually a little more concerned about the show at the moment.
Don't worry, Moira says she has a plan.
Oh, does she? Oh God, David! No, no, no, no, David, I'm sorry.
No, just performers backstage from here on.
Mrs.
Rose, are you-are you a performer at this point? Unfortunately, I have no choice.
So I'm gonna shimmy off the rust, and pray there's still dazzle within.
Sorry, sorry.
(Gasps) Oh.
- Stevie, what the fuck?! - Mrs.
Rose? Stevie, thank God you're here! Okay everybody, vocal warm up in the Green Room! - Bye.
- Bye.
Good luck.
Mrs.
Rose, I'm sorry.
I had an errand to run, and I got stuck in traffic on the way back.
Yeah, I've been calling you all day.
I know, you told me to block everyone out today, so I left my phone at home, which I realize was a really big mistake.
(Sighs) Oh, were you planning on taking my place? Oh! Just dressed in theme to support, that's all.
I think I'll um I'm going to go see if Jocelyn uh got the humidifier, excuse me.
I just have to check on her.
I just Jocelyn? Okay, I'm sorry! I should never have told you before the show.
Here.
What is this? Patrick asked for my blessing a few weeks ago, so I had them made.
It would've been nice if he told me when it was happening, I literally could've picked these up any other day this week, but I will yell at him later.
I assume you two will be moving in together, and I won't be there to give you towels when you need them, - so - Thank you.
I appreciate the monogramming, and the choice of thread color.
(Exhales) I thought you were upset.
I was more upset that I had to drive to Elmdale today.
(Laughs) I also appreciate this burlesque-y get up.
Excuse me.
You're an almost married man, now.
Stevie.
I'd ask if you could hold us up more, but I'm not a big fan of rhetorical questions.
- Gotta go.
- Good luck! Cast: Ahhhhh! (Instruments tune up) Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
Hey David, congrats on the news! Really happy for you guys.
Okay, you know what, the funny thing was, originally I was going to be the one that told people.
Told people what? Oh, does your Dad not know? If we're talking about Dave's big engagement news, uh, we haven't decided on a best man yet, but we think it's probably gonna be a black tie affair.
You're engaged? Yeah.
Sure.
Oh, David, that's so exciting! Oh son, you deserve all the happiness - ("Cabaret" music begins) - We'll pick this up later.
Sorry.
Alexis made it seem like everyone knew.
- Oh, they do now, yeah.
- (Sighs) Have fun, my darling.
Have fun! You've gestated long enough beneath my wing.
Now it's time to fly! - Okay - Fly.
Ohhh! Oh! Meine damen und herren, Mesdames et Messieurs, Ladies and Gentlemen! I am your host.
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome! Fremde, etranger, stranger Patrick: Hello, stranger! Glucklich zu sehen Je suis enchante En chante madame! Happy to see you Bleibe, reste, stay Und sagen Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome Rah! Fremde, etranger, stranger Ooh! Glucklich zu sehen Je suis enchante Happy to see you Bleibe, reste, stay Wir sagen Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome Im Cabaret Au Cabaret To Cabaret (Audience applauds and cheers) (Music plays quietly) You wear her well.
- Sorry? - Magdalena.
The only other time I've leased one of my girls is the Halloween when David was desperate to be Alanis Morissette.
Well, glad you think I'm pulling it off.
Stevie, I'm so proud of you.
You're really powering through tonight.
Of course I never doubted you.
Thank you, but I still have an act and a half to prove you wrong.
Now I suppose David's announcement left you a little shaken.
That's really not it, Mrs.
Rose.
It's just I wish I wasn't watching it all happen from behind the desk.
You know? It feels like everyone's growing up all around me.
You know, before the "Crows" movie happened, I too thought there was no escape from this dark, troublesome existence that was my life in this town.
I was as hopelessly crestfallen as you are right now.
Uh, I wouldn't say I'm crest Shhh! Use it.
I'm sorry? Oh, I could so effortlessly conjure up the perfect words to bedazzle your spirits.
That's one of my gifts.
But no.
No, you need to be exactly where you are.
Okay, are you talking about me, or Sally? Why, Sally, of course.
You I'm not worried about.
What the hell is your secret, Stevie? You just stand your solid ground, refusing to be anything but you.
Hm.
Never thought I'd say this about anyone in this town, but you you're very, very cool.
And whether you set sail, or stay put, that's not going to change.
Now, why don't we take our Sally by the hand, and we go out there, and show those people everything she can be.
If she were only more like you.
(Audience applauds) Oh! Thank you! (Takes a deep breath) (Piano tunes plays) Maybe this time I'll be lucky Maybe this time He'll stay Maybe this time For the first time Love Won't hurry away He will hold me fast I'll be home at last Not a loser anymore Like the last time And the time before Everybody They love a winner So nobody loved me Lady Peaceful Lady Happy That's what I long to be Well, all the odds are There in my favour Something's bound to begin It's gonna happen Happen sometime Maybe this time Maybe this time I'll win (Half laughs, half sobs) (Audience applauds and cheers) That's my friend! (Applause and cheering) Well, you dazzled tonight, sweetheart.
(In unison) Thank you.
Oh, sorry, I don't know why I thought you were talking to me.
Well, it was a huge hit, the crowd went wild.
- I was shocked! - Shocked? Amazed.
I was amazed.
Amazed, yes.
You're gonna be late for the airport.
I can't wait to sip pina coladas with you.
Again, it's not really that kind of place, but yes.
(Sighs) - I love you.
- I love you.
Excuse me everybody, um, it's time for Ted to Galapa-go now.
- All: Ohhh! - I love you so much! Okay, great show everyone, bye.
- Partygoers: Bye.
- Johnny: Bye, Ted.
- Thank you so much.
- Hi everyone, hi! (Spoon clinks) I just, first and foremost, wanna say a big congratulations to Team Cabaret.
(All clap and cheer) The show was awesome, you guys were so, so good! Speaking of love Somebody got engaged! Wow.
Speaking of love, um, I'm so glad that you're all here, because Patrick and I have some very special news.
You're getting married! Jocelyn, I'm the one on the chair! Now, two years ago, I went to fill out some paperwork for a business license, and little did I know, that I would end up meeting the love of my - (Cell phone rings) - God! Oh, it is me.
Um, I'm sorry, David.
Sorry, it's most likely press.
I-I already know your engagement news.
(Kiss sounds) So wait a minute, he's marrying you? Okay, this shouldn't be so hard! Oh my God, just spit it out, David! Oh my God, fine! I met someone who changed my life, and I don't know where I'd be without him.
So yes, as we all know now, Patrick and I are engaged.
All: Ohhh! (Clapping) Moira: No! Nooooo! - Oh my God! - Moira: Nooooo! (Partygoers murmur) If it's a bad review, Moira, I wouldn't trust local critics.
No.
No, they uh, they shelved the "Crows" movie.
(Shuddering breaths) So it's-it's over.
(Whimpers) It's over.
(Sobs) (Whimpering) (Sobs loudly) Nothing to see here, people.
The party's over.
Okay.
Yeah, you can leave your champagne flutes.
- Unless we still wanna do a toast? - No.
Oh, no? Okay.
Everyone leave the champagne flutes, - thank you.
- (Moira sobs)