Schitt's Creek (2015) s06e02 Episode Script

The Incident

(Birds chirp) (Dog barks) - What is that? - What's what? - S-something spilled.
- What? - Something spilled in the bed.
- Okay, well, clean it up! No, it's wet.
There's wet in the bed.
- What? - Yeah.
Well, what did you spill, David? - I didn't spill anything! - Well, what - are you bleeding? - What?! No! Well, what is it? Nothing.
- Is it you? What happened? - Nothing! Oh my God, David, did you wet the bed? No.
I have to go.
- I have to go.
- You're not going anywhere.
No, I need to leave.
David, calm down, okay? It's fine.
It's not fine! Nothing about that is fine.
Do we have to file for divorce if we were never married? We are not getting divorced Yet.
I need to see if I can get the stain out of my sheets first.
Okay, does that window open? Because I'm about to jump out of it! David, just get in the shower, I will deal with this.
Just let-let me do that for you.
And I gotta probably get these sheets in the wash sooner than later.
I will take a shower, but we must never see each other again.
Okay, that sounds like a fair deal.
David, I'm gonna need the bedspread too, so Just Okay.
- (Door slams) - I love you.
I'm glad one of us does! (Door creaks) - Hey.
- Hmm! So how was your seventh shower? Satisfactory, thank you so much.
- Listen David, I - Yeah, you know what? Can we just not? Well, I think it's important that we do.
- Oh my God! - Look, things happen.
Yes, things happen! Things happen all in your sheets, and now you need to remake your little bed, because I peed in it! David, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, okay? And look, I found this blanket that I thought I had lost in the laundry room, so you've actually done me a favour.
So maybe we can um maybe we can take divorce off the table? Maybe, but if the tables were turned, - I can't say I'd be as generous.
- Understood.
(Crackling) - What is that noise? - I don't know.
Maybe the sheets are a bit stiff.
No, it's like a, a crinkling sound.
Oh, you're probably just sitting on the mattress tag.
(Gasps) - Is this a mattress protector? - No.
No, no, that's a a second sheet that you put on the mattress, um, that my mom gave me when I moved in, so I just You put down a plastic sheet? Well, I don't think it's a pla I mean, it might have like a rubberized coating, but I don't know.
- Oh my God! - Purely coincidental.
Purely coincidental? (Sighs) Okay, look.
I just wanted you to be comfortable in case - it happened again, that's - Mhmm, mhmm, mhmm, mhmm.
Come on, David, it's an expensive mattress! More expensive than my dignity? - I mean, comparable, at least.
- Wow.
- Wow! - Okay.
- Well - No good? (Door creaks, slams) (Birds chirping) (Knocks) Hey, I just got off the phone with the PR people from Interflix, they're making the announcement about the "Crows" movie at noon, so they've requested that you do a social media takeover, but don't worry, I will handle it.
Takeover? That sounds hostile.
No, they just want you like, send out posts from their account, but I will do it for you.
- You will? - Mhmm, trust me.
I've dated enough mid-level latte art influencers to know what the people want.
I'm sorry Alexis, I only understood about half of what you just said.
What exactly is required of me? Um, just like, a couple of cute pics, and funny one-liners.
I see, and you would be the architect behind - those funny one-liners? - Mhmm.
Color me curious, what might one of my humorous quips sound like to you? Oh my God, I don't know yet.
Well, it's just that you and I have very different comedic stylings, dear.
I take a slightly more cerebral approach.
Okay, you were the one that described social media as an amusement park for clinical narcissists so, - I'm doing you a favour.
- Very well.
Let me see what you're typing! "Big news coming soon, caw caw!" And a little yellow cartoon winking.
You know what would be fun, Alexis, let's put a beak on that winking cartoon.
No, you can't do that.
- Let me handle this, please.
- (Sighs) Okay, is it on? Can they see us? No, you just press "send.
" Alexis, this is exciting! We have our very own digital soapbox here! It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes.
- You remember, "You Go, Girl.
" - Mhmm.
- Have you pressed send yet? - Send.
Okay, great.
Now we just wait three and a half hours, until people are on their lunch break, - and then we post again.
- Okay.
Alexis, they're liking it! We have five likes! People are cawing back! Oh Alexis, I think you and I might need to purchase antibiotics.
I believe we've just gone viral.
Ohhh! (Chuckles) 'Kay.
(Birds chirp) A 20 minute drive to another motel.
Rose, what are we doing here? Well, I brought you here, Stevie, because - I think we should buy it.
- Uh.
Yeah, okay.
I'm-I'm not sure about that.
No surprise there, Johnny, I told you she's not the visionary you and I are.
Stevie, this is the inevitable next step in building the Rosebud Empire.
Okay, but I think maybe we should talk about it first, before we just jump into building the empire.
Well, I know this must be a little overwhelming right now, but I thought it was better for you to see the place yourself.
Roland, there are a lot of cars here today.
I thought you set up a private showing.
I'm pretty sure I said private.
Okay, heads up, this must be the agent.
Good morning, are you here for Benny Terkstra? Uh, I spoke with somebody named Betty, but I was mowing the lawn at the time, so your guess is as good as mine.
Betty is Benny's wife.
Please, follow me.
Huh, Betty and Benny? (Chuckles) What are they, puppets? It's the Benny and Betty Show! - Okay, Roland - Tu! Tu! I'm Betty.
I'm Benny.
I'm Betty! (Door opens, footsteps thud) (Sombre organ music plays quietly) Why do I get the feeling this isn't an open house? Maybe it's because of the coffin.
This is a funeral, Roland! What exactly did the woman say to you?! She said the showing was at nine o'clock.
She may have said viewing.
What the hell, Roland?! Johnny, language, please! A man is dead.
(Traffic rumbles) (Pen clicks) David, you know, your tea has been just sitting here untouched for about half an hour, and you're probably gonna have to drink something - at some point.
- I'm just not that thirsty.
I'm doing inventory.
Okay, you're making this so much more - of a thing than it needs to be.
- Am I? - (Bell over door jingles) - Buongiorno, boys! Oh ho! Say hello at all my new hashtag "frands.
" It's a little word I assembled to consecrate my fans, who are also my friends.
Okay, "frands" doesn't sound nice.
To all of you asking what is little mercantile establishment with the almost gallery-like austerity? Well, it so happens it's also owned by my son, David Rose, say hi, David.
Okay, I would rather not, thanks.
And his hashtag fiancee, Patrick.
I don't think you have to say hashtag when you're just talking, Mrs.
Okay, what are you doing? You look like the downfall of society.
Can you please turn that off while you're in our store, please? Very well.
Frands, please keep checking your phones for more "Crow" related Intel by me, Moira Rose, especially you, "Wine and Cat Gal 74," I do hope you stop crying soon.
Caw! Caw! For now.
Muah! Didn't realize you were on social media.
Only fleetingly.
And only because the network requested it.
That's nice.
Hm, it's noticeably cheerless in here today.
If I didn't know better, I would suspect a little trouble in paradise.
David's just having a bit of a day.
Didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
Okay, I'm doing fine, thanks! David, what's wrong? (Gasps) Your sleep apnea hasn't returned, has it? I thought that was remedied when you got your new nose.
- It was.
- Is it night sweats? You're not eating pepperettes in bed again! - No.
- Night terrors? I don't wanna talk about it! David, don't tell me you've had a nighttime oopsie-daisy.
I'm sorry, a what? I'm leaving.
Okay? And if I don't come back it's because of you.
Me? Ooh dear.
David's nocturnal enuresis used to only happen when he went to bed all juiced up with excited anticipation about something.
Christmas, birthdays, the Ides of March.
And now it seems your impending nuptials - has opened the floodgates.
- Oh! - Why am I oddly flattered? - I can't imagine.
Well, I hate to point this out, Mr.
Rose, but if you weren't in such a rush to see this place, we wouldn't be at a funeral.
No, it's what happens when you leave anything up to Roland.
We just have to find a window where we can leave without anybody seeing us.
Because the last thing we want to do is offend the woman that's selling us this place.
Well, assuming we're actually buying it.
You know what they say, you can tell the quality of a motel by the food they serve at the owner's funeral.
We're not even supposed to be here, Roland, can you put the plate Is that egg salad? Betty: Johnny, is it? - Yes, yes, it is.
- Mrs.
Terkstra, this is Johnny Rose.
I-I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met.
Um, how did you know my Benny? Johnny Yes well, we were uh, friends, I mean acquaintances, I would say - From the bowling league.
- Uh, you mean curling? Did you curl with my Benny? I-you know, more important, I think we just wanted to come by - and pay our respects.
- Mhmm.
Because this must be so difficult for you dealing with your loss, and uh selling the motel.
I'm sorry, I'm still trying to place you.
I-I don't remember seeing you at Benny's last bonspiel.
Well, that's because Johnny here um had another bonspiel to go to, and unfortunately that bonspiel was way more important than Benny's bonspiel, so we Well, Ro-Roland that we had to go to that bonspiel.
- No, no, no, that was - I would've been I think I know why you're here.
It might be more appropriate to have this conversation outside.
Since I wasn't in the curling league, can I go home? No.
Say Havarti, girls! (Camera click) Oh no! (Laughs) Well, you can't win them all.
Wow, someone's in a surprisingly good mood, considering they're 15 minutes late.
- Blame my new internet frands.
- What'd she just say? Oh, I was dragooned into taking over the Interflix social media channels today, and apparently I'm quite proficient at it.
I thought you hated social media.
What did you call it, a um, a cauldron of self-absorption.
You have an almost unsetting memory, Twyla.
Now just a quick snap for my friend, "Wine and Cat Gal 74," and her frands at the rehabilitation facility.
Fine, but nothing gets posted - without my written approval.
- (Camera clicks) Oh Alexis, wonderful! I was just about to post.
Will you please do a selfie of me, and my Jazzagals? Um, actually, may I speak with you for a moment? If Interflix is asking if I'll extend my takeover, my answer is, I'll think about it.
- (Girls titter) - Mm, actually, I think we might wanna discuss this matter privately.
Okay, two minutes, gals? In the meantime, if you'd like to follow the Interflix channels Oh no, that won't be necessary.
Okay, who taught you how to live-stream?! A wonderful teen named CherryBus, she lives in Singapore.
Why? Who wants to know? Okay, well, did she teach you how to turn it off? Because you just posted your entire conversation with David and Patrick! No, I distinctly remember putting down the phone.
But you didn't stop recording.
So people basically got like, a whole podcast about how David's wetting the bed again.
If I wasn't your publicist, I would be enjoying the situation a lot more than I am.
Which is still like, quite a lot.
Oh, dear.
Fortunately, David doesn't subscribe to social media, so we-we just need to take it down, and David will be none the wiser.
- Okay.
- Hey Moira, you weren't lying! You do have a knack for this.
What are we looking at? Okay, um, no need to watch that.
Okay, Twyla, if you haven't seen it already, then maybe just once, but that is it! (Online video plays) Now, I-I'd like to start from the beginning.
Terkstra, we-we were just - I was speaking.
- Yes, you were.
It's becoming very clear that you people didn't know my husband at all.
Well now, when you say "know" uh - Am I still talking?! - Yes, you were, ma'am.
I can't say I wasn't expecting you, I just didn't think you'd show up at the funeral! I'm aware that my husband was not perfect.
I told him that poker ring was risky, and I know there were some shady business dealings that went on behind closed doors, - but I had nothing to do with it! - I'm sorry? Well, you're the federal agents I was warned about.
No need to keep up the act.
Her face has "fed" written all over it.
Thanks Mrs.
Terkstra, we're not feds.
No, there seems to have been some crossed wires here.
No, we thought we were coming out to look at the property.
We're from Rosebud Motel.
- Maureen Bud's old place? - That would be the one.
Uh, Aunt Maureen is was my aunt.
Oh, for heaven's sakes! Benny and I used to play bingo with Maureen.
- (Laughs) - What a small world! Johnny and I used to play bingo with Maureen, - right after curling.
- Roland.
Well, it would be a relief to sell this place to someone we know.
Uh, well, we're not sure yet.
But we can touch base again next week, and again, you have our deepest condolences.
Well, now that you're here, why don't you come on in, - and pay your respects to Benny? - Oh Considering you may be taking over his home.
Yes, yes, yes.
Well, sure.
We can come in, and pay our respects.
Too bad it's not an open casket.
I would've loved to say goodbye to old Benny's face.
We'd be happy to open it for you.
No, no, closed-closed is fine.
(Groans) You sure? (Music plays on the radio) (Gasps) Oh look Alexis, Patrick's here.
Yep, you asked me to meet you here.
So what-what-what's goin' on? And David is bewitching himself elsewhere? Yeah, he is uh, dusting the shelves, even though I cleaned them last week, but hey, whatever it takes to get him through this.
Priority number one, get David through this! Mhmm, mhmm! Quick "Q," um, has David taken your phone, or anything, or like, looked at anyone else's phone? No.
Sorry, somebody wanna tell me what's goin' on? Okay, okay so, no biggie, but my mom may have accidentally posted your little conversation from this morning over social media.
The-the one about The oopsie-daisy.
But don't worry, I am involved now, and I will be taking it down.
- It's still up?! - And generating a lot of traction.
But yes, it's been uh, we're taking it it's being taken down right now.
So how how did this happen? Right.
I was strong-armed into participating in social marketing, and a dear friend of mine from Singapore, Miss CherryBus, suggested I try my hand at creating a living stream.
Okay, she doesn't know what she's doing, and didn't know that it was recording.
Okay look, David can never, ever find out about this.
I am actually afraid that he will never sleep again.
Precisely why we're involving you in this covert stratagem.
So all we need to do is keep David off the internet for like, 24 hours, or until a celebrity says something wrong, which could be any minute.
Okay, I think I can handle that.
- Wonderful! Crisis averted.
- Hmm! Yeah, so you still haven't taken the post down.
- I'm doing that now.
- Cool.
So I'll just sit here until that happens.
- It's kind of cute, though.
- Alexis.
- Let's take it down.
- Mhmm.
(Insects buzz) (Door opens) Oh Stevie, listen, I owe you an apology for today.
You know, the way I rushed you into that thing.
On the plus side, we did make that personal connection, and I think we might be able to get a better deal - than I had thought.
- Okay "we?" Unless you have a better idea, I know you wanted to talk this out, so uh I'm all ears.
Rose, what I've been trying to talk to you about is more than just the new motel.
Well what is it, Stevie? I don't think I'm ready to commit to this business like, as a whole.
Well, that is a bigger conversation, isn't it? It's just, doing "Cabaret" made me feel like I should push myself, and so I just wondered you know, maybe there's something more out there for me.
Well, what are you saying, you want out? No! Uh, I don't know, I just I feel like I'd regret it if I didn't at least try to see what's out there.
Well, if that's what you feel you need to push yourself, Stevie, I uh certainly am not gonna stand in your way.
Same reason I left the button factory when I was a young man.
That, and the fact that working conditions weren't exactly safe for a ten-year-old, but that being said, I'm not going to pretend that I don't hope you'll come back.
Either way, I hope you find what you're looking for.
Rose thank you.
Okay, you know what? I think I should just head home early, - and think about it.
- Yeah or you can think about it as you finish your shift? That's fair.
I'm gonna miss that enthusiasm.
(Groans) (Crickets chirp) (Door opens, light clicks off) I'm so glad you decided to stay.
Well, there's literally no liquid left in my body, so.
(Small laugh) - Oh! (Mattress crinkles) - Yeah Forgot about this.
Taking that off first thing tomorrow.
Huh! (Happy exhale) I wonder how long my mom lasted on the Internets.
Not long, I don't think.
You know, you were smart to get off of there.
I was curious to see what kinds of things she was posting throughout the day, though.
- Yeah, nothing of note.
- Hmm.
Um yeah, she really didn't know how to use it, so.
- Mhmm.
- Hey, let's talk about something else.
Sure, um what's the thread count on this plastic? Okay, would it help if I were to share something private and embarrassing with you? I might be too tired for that tonight.
Ha ha! If we're gonna be married, I just think it's important that we be as open and honest with each other as we possibly can.
What is this sexy thing? Okay, I only put this in when you're not around.
- It's my mouth-guard.
- Oh well, there's nothing really embarrassing about that.
Also, you look very beautiful.
Aw, thank you.
Um, hmm.
- How about now? - My God! This is my nose thing, and it just helps me breathe better.
I have never been more attracted to you.
Mm, same.
- (David laughs) - (Cell phone chimes) Ooh! Ronnie's texting me a link to something? Okay, put it away, David.
It's bedtime.

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