Schooled (2019) s01e04 Episode Script


1 LAINEY: Back in the '90s, the Tonya Harding scandal shook the nation.
Why? The idea that a top Olympic athlete could possibly be involved in an attack on her rival, Nancy Kerrigan, disappointed people of all ages.
But no one more than this guy.
Tonya Harding has broken our hearts.
This whole sordid debacle shows us what happens when young people are raised without a moral compass.
- [FEEDBACK] - Okay, uh, thanks for sharing, Coach.
And now for the reason that we're here for this assembly, - McGruff the Crime Dog! - [UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] - [APPLAUSE] - Okay, no, not yet! McGruff, hold on! - [MUSIC STOPS] - As of today, there will be a new zero-tolerance policy - on cheating at this school.
- Oh.
- [FEEDBACK] - Well, there's always been a zero-tolerance policy.
Uh, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to reiterate it.
I will be conducting random locker searches to find any and all contraband used to game the system.
Be warned, children.
From this point on, cheating is a serious crime.
- [MUSIC RESUMES] - Not yet, McGruff.
- [MUSIC STOPS] - Sorry.
Who am I to snap at a canine officer of the law? Bring it in, poochie.
Bring it in.
One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was January 30th, 1990-something, and CB was giving William Penn's newest student a tour of the school.
And, of course, we have lots of lockers, but you know the dealio.
You basically just put your stuff in 'em.
And our music teacher, Lainey Lewis.
Lainey, meet Alex Piper.
- Hey there, Alex.
- Hey.
And that concludes today's tour.
New kid.
Just moved here from Pittsburgh.
A little quiet, but I dig his vibe.
- He's a douche-turd.
- Whoa.
You can't label a kid a douche or a turd that swiftly.
Perfect swooping hair, shark-tooth necklace, bad attitude.
What you're describing is a cool kid.
And I relate, 'cause that was me back in the day.
So I'm gonna go do my CB thang and make our new friend feel at ease.
All right, I'm gonna go do my Lainey thang and pretend you didn't say "thang.
- Have a great day.
[LAUGHTER] [NORMAL VOICE] A little "Ace Ventura" to welcome our new student here today.
I'm, uh, Alex and stuff.
All righty then! [LAUGHTER] I'm sorry.
Have you not seen "Ace Ventura"? He's a pet detective, saved a dolphin.
- It's very emotional.
- No, I know the movie.
Just didn't think anyone still thought it was cool.
[LAUGHTER] Ooh, wow.
Well, you burned me.
Let's pick back up with our group reading of "The Great Gatsby.
" You want to start us off, new guy? Page 68.
Um You You want me to read? Yeah.
Is everything okay? I-I-I, um I can't.
What do you mean you can't? I can't read, okay? Oh, wow.
Um, I'm sorry, Alex.
Uh, Tommy, do you want to I guess I could give it a try.
I mean, this really feels like a safe space.
The safest, pal.
Um [SLOWLY] You are a tool.
- [LAUGHS] That's real funny.
So you're just busting my balls, huh? [LAUGHING] You make it so easy.
Guess we'll just continue with the class, then? All righty then! [LAUGHTER] All right.
Please read to yourselves quietly.
"Dear Burt Reynolds " - You wanted to see me, John? - Oh, hey, Liz.
Uh, a lot of the kids have been asking when you're gonna have your first meeting for the Middle School Math team.
Ah, yes.
The Math Olympiad.
Thank you for checking in.
I'm not gonna do that ever again.
But you coach 'em every year! Yes, and every year, I watch them choke and come in dead last.
I just can't watch those kids failing again, John.
It makes me too emotional.
I'm sorry for that outburst.
- There was an outburst? - Cheaters! I found cheaters! Just look at all the stuff I found in those lockers.
I told you not to do that! But look! Crib sheets hidden inside of calc covers! Oh, boy.
Second-floor lockers, west end of the hall? Yes.
How'd you know? - That's the Mathletes.
- Mathletes? See, they know they're gonna embarrass themselves, and so they've decided to cheat to save face.
Liz, please.
You got to coach these kids at the Math Olympiad.
- Coach? Olympiad? - No way.
The chances of those kids winning are slimmer than Fiona Apple's right thigh.
- Find somebody else.
- I'll do it.
Who am I gonna find on such short notice? - I said I'll do it.
- What about CB? CB's already advising six clubs.
Maybe I didn't project enough.
I said I will coach this ragtag group of underdogs.
Crosby? Doc? Karen Horikowa? Not available.
Am I dead? Am I a ghost? I said I'll do it! We hear you, okay? And while I do appreciate your enthusiasm, I'm gonna have to give you a hard but polite "no.
" - But why? - But why Allow me.
It's not personal, Rick.
It's just, uh, you teach gym, which makes us think of you last when it comes to academics or anything other than helping us move.
Ah, I see what this is.
Johnny-boy's just testing me to see how badly I want this.
[LAUGHS] Well, game on! With that, Coach was all-in on the Math Olympiad.
- [AUDIENCE GROANS] - What are you doing? I'm studying game tape of the Math Olympiad.
What? I gave you a hard "no.
" When it comes to teaching kids to be winners, there is no difference between football, basketball, or math ball.
There's no such thing as math ball.
These wonky-eyed Poindexters don't need to cheat.
They just need confidence.
Please don't call them "wonky-eyed Poindexters.
" And what they need to win is to know math.
Wrong! Check out the playoff round against Episcopal.
- "X" equals 7.
- These mouth-breathing goobers just sat there scared and afraid.
That's a highly advanced calc theorem, and don't call them "mouth-breathing goobers.
" Look, the point is, these bird-boned Melvins know the math.
I just need to teach 'em how to grasp victory in their talons.
"Bird-boned Melvins" is an offensive term both to Melvins and to thin-boned people.
Please, John.
Just give me a shot.
- I can help them.
- Fine.
But just remember, if we come in last place for the fourth year in a row, we'll be the laughingstock of bird-boned Melvins everywhere.
Coach had the Mathletes under control, but CB couldn't get a handle on the "new kid" situation.
- Sup.
- Gah! What are you doing lurking back here like some weirdo? Wait, are you hiding from the douche-turd? No.
And also, yes, I'm hiding, 'cause he's very mean.
Dude, you're scared of a student? In just three days, he's taken over my class.
The kids aren't listening to me anymore.
They're not even laughing at my impressions.
What happened to Mr.
Cool Guy who's great with the new students? Some of them are a little bit more challenging.
Why does he keep standing near my Jetta? I'm totally gonna be late for cribbage with my nana.
Okay, cut the crap.
What is going on? [SIGHS] I have a confession to make, and it's probably gonna blow your mind.
- Ooh.
- In high school, I wasn't as cool as I led you to believe I was.
In fact, I was a nerd.
- Sure.
- Okay, you're not following.
Back in the day, I wasn't as slick or cocky or awesome No, that totally tracks.
You're not getting it.
I have to show you something.
- Oh, God! - I told you.
Oh, no.
This is so much worse than I imagined.
Okay, well, it's not that bad.
I-I'm looking at it.
It is.
I was just a boy.
I mean, what's with the lizard man on your shirt? It's Gollum.
And did you not realize it was picture day? I made it for picture day.
Oh, dear sweet Lord.
Klingon Language League.
Dungeons & Dragons Wizard Society.
- Okay, that was a fun club.
- [BOOK CLOSES] What does any of this have to do with Alex? Look, all I wanted back in high school was to be cool and popular, but I was a dweeb.
And kids like Alex constantly tortured me.
Wait, now it all makes sense.
This job is like your high-school do-over.
- Okay, fine.
- If I know anything, it's that you got to bring the hammer down on that turd.
- Believe me.
- Well, thanks for the advice, newbie, but you're talking to CB, the super teacher.
All I got to do is win him over by being me.
I'm good.
He's in the hall.
You got to help me.
This will be fun.
Meanwhile, despite Glascott's doubts, Coach was ready to take on the Mathletes.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] Now, my first thought when I look at this group of bespectacled brainiacs is that you're a sad sight and you can never win anything.
But I'm gonna change all that and lead you to glory in the Math Olympiad.
Yes, son.
What's your name? Aaron Rubin, sir.
And I think I speak for everyone when I say, what the [BLEEP] is happening? What's happening is I am gonna coach you to victory.
So let's all hydrate with some Fruitopia and get to work! I wonder what the ingredients are.
Don't look at the ingredients! Could it be that you printed out all the formulas in tiny font and taped them right here? Yeah.
That's right.
I found your very brilliant cheating tools that would have for-sure worked.
That's it.
We're screwed.
How is a gym coach gonna help us solve equations like the one that killed us last year? Gym coach, huh? Is that all you think I am? You nerds shouldn't judge people on first impressions.
You literally just called us nerds.
Pipe down.
Now we're gonna warm up with some math push-ups and some math wind sprints.
Then we'll take a math water break before we run a math 5K.
You can't just put "math" in front of words and make it math.
All right, laps, all three of you.
- Laps? - Around the desks.
- But - Move it! High knees! Run like an American! CB hadn't figured out how to solve his problems with the new kid.
But I was about to reveal a secret that would give him all the answers.
- [SLURPING] - Okay, listen.
Now I have a huge confession to make that's gonna totally blow your mind.
- Okay? - In high school, I was a douche-turd myself.
- Sure.
- You're not following.
Back then, I wasn't sweet or friendly or remotely kind to most people.
- No, that totally tracks.
- You still don't understand.
See, if I sensed any weakness in a teacher, I'd have a field day.
That all ended when I finally came across a teacher who shut me down.
He taught me to respect him and to not act like such a douche-turd.
Can you introduce me to him? Don't have to.
You already know him.
Coach Mellor? Behind me stand your enemies from Episcopal.
Why are their faces pasted on those things.
These "things" are blocking sleds, and they represent the enemy.
If you can push through them, you can push through your fears.
Strong body, strong mind.
Now step up and show Episcopal how this team takes out the competition.
Attack! [GRUNTS] [GROANING] - Wow.
- Oh.
That's intense.
[ALL GRUNTING] My God, you kids are bad at math.
See that? That is how you keep kids in line.
But he's not funny or whimsical at all.
How does he amuse children into learning? He doesn't.
He takes charge and refuses to get pushed around by anyone, not even a douche-turd.
- Do that.
- All right.
I'll do it.
Got to get me some of them shorts.
- You don't have to wear the shorts.
- Right.
It was game day, and the kids claimed to be ready.
But Coach was unconvinced.
All right.
Game day approaches.
How are my math warriors feeling? ALL: Yeah! There's the killer confidence I've been trying to teach you.
You sure did, Coach.
We're positive we're gonna win today.
And what do you say we watch a little game tape and learn about the competition, huh? Oh, looks like some tiny masked man - smashed your opponents' calculators.
- Why? Why? Why? [GRUNTING] Why? Why? After everything I taught you, you still go and Tonya Harding their calculators? You didn't teach us anything! That's why we Tonya Harding'd the calculators, so they'd forfeit and we could finally win.
Forfeit? It's a school.
They have giant boxes of calculators.
- Really? - Yes! You know, for smart kids, you sure are dumb.
Hey, we panicked.
You've already established we don't think well under pressure.
You guys are lucky I smoothed this over with Episcopal, and they're gonna go ahead with the Olympiad.
We still have to play them? Oh, yes.
And mark my words.
As long as I'm your coach, you will do things the right way.
Sorry, Rick.
You're no longer the coach of the Mathletes.
Liz is taking over.
Oh, come on.
We got parent complaints about your teaching methods, which, in fairness, are completely insane.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] It's come to my attention that one of you has betrayed the sacred bond between coach and coachee by complaining to your mommy.
Who did it? Okay, I see what this is.
Get rid of old Coach, and nobody stops you from cheating, huh? We got rid of you so we can finally have a real math teacher.
Oh, snap.
[CHUCKLES] Am I using that right? I see.
[CHALK SCRAPING] Yeah, that's right.
The dumb coach knows math.
And so do all of you.
You don't need to cheat.
You just need a little confidence.
Good luck on your Olympiad, Mathletes.
Oh, snap! Now that time, I nailed it.
When you enter that classroom, you're no longer CB.
You're Coach Mellor, the no-nonsense boss-man who's always in control.
Just a gym teacher, huh? How dare those kids? How dare they? What the What's going on there, Rick? Mathletes ganged up on me.
It really hurt my feelings.
After a lifetime of competition, it took six scrawny nerds to defeat me.
I'm kind of working on something here, and this vibe is throwing it way off.
[VOICE BREAKING] Understood.
I'm starting to have second thoughts.
No, forget sad, broken Mellor.
Be regular Mellor, okay? Firm but fair, demand respect.
Be in charge.
Look alive, people.
Everybody break out your copies of "Animal Farm.
" You're about to get a crash course on the sham that is communism.
- Hmm.
Sir, I have a question.
- Say it, son.
Is one of the animals a boar? You know, 'cause that's what this is.
It's a bore.
[WHISTLE BLOWS] All right, hotshot.
20 push-ups.
On your knuckles.
Dude, you can't just blow a whistle at me in the middle of English class.
Oh, I'll blow whenever I want.
Oh, you got that part right.
You do indeed blow.
[MURMURING] Quiet, you unbearable douche-turd.
Oh, no.
He snapped.
CB finally lost it.
All the angry things that he dreamed of saying to his high-school bullies, things that built up inside him for years, came roaring out.
But unfortunately, in that short moment, he had forgotten that he was aiming all of it at a kid.
People like you grow up to be nothing.
[GASPS] I Well, I-I I I don't I didn't I didn't mean I While CB was failing with Alex, the Mathletes were just failing.
MAN: What is the value of 8 to the "X" power over 2 to the "Y" power? Come on, Aaron.
You know this.
- [FEEDBACK] - 2 to the 11th power? - [BUZZER] - [SIGHS] Dangit.
They're getting crushed again.
- This is hard to watch.
- I told you it would be.
Just another example of a woman's truth falling on a man's deaf ears.
Maybe that's what I should title my book.
I know how to fix this.
Now remember, marginal efficiency is the difference between a player's success rate and the expected success rate of each play, all right? Uh, excuse me, Rick? Can we, uh Not now.
I'm coaching football.
Rick, we really need to talk.
All right, you numbskulls, study those statistics.
I'll be back.
You're teaching the football team math? These guys already have the killer instinct.
They just need to understand the game.
Those nerds needed the opposite.
Look, Coach, you got to make it to the Olympiad.
The team is even choking on questions they know.
They're not my team anymore.
Those kids think I'm a dummy.
And so do you.
I was wrong about you.
Actually, you're not.
In high school, I needed a certain GPA to play sports, and I didn't think I was smart enough, so I cheated on my math exams.
I got caught, and I couldn't play for the whole semester.
I had no idea.
I decided then and there that I wasn't gonna believe what other people thought of me.
I was gonna believe in myself.
So I studied my butt off, and I became great at math.
That's what you wanted to teach the kids to believe.
Yeah, well, they didn't, not in themselves or in me.
Look, Coach, I know you're hurt, but you didn't give up on yourself.
And it'd be a damn shame to give up on these kids.
Without Coach Mellor, the Mathletes were in desperate need of a pep talk.
Liz, you're gonna have to fire these kids up.
You're their only chance.
I can do this.
Mathletes, I want you all to just take a moment and and truly understand that I am currently in phase one of a panic attack.
I desperately tried to avoid being in this high-intensity situation as your math coach, 'cause you're all incredibly fragile children who I feared would, once again, get their asses handed to them in a very public competition.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Once again, I have failed you.
But good luck out there.
- I'm sorry.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS] - [PAIL CLATTERS] - [GASPS] Coach! You almost hit Liz with that garbage pail.
Because I'm fired up, and it's time my team gets fired up, too! Look, I'm sorry it took me so long to come back when you needed me.
The truth is, I was hurt.
I felt like you judged me.
But you called us a bunch of dweebs and dorks.
Because you are.
But you're also champions.
I don't understand, Coach.
We were so crappy to you.
Why'd you come back here to help us? Well, maybe because we're more alike than you realize.
Now let's get out there and kick the snot out of those Episcopalians.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! Come on! Let's go! - Yeah! - [LAUGHS] - Hey.
You all right? - No.
I mean, look at the kid.
I broke him.
I kind of feel like a small part of this is my fault for pushing you to be a Mellor.
It kind of feels like it's largely your fault, but sure.
I want to show you something.
It's my 8th grade yearbook.
Coming in hot.
- [LAUGHS] - [CHUCKLES] - Whoa, now.
- I know.
And it gets worse.
[LAUGHS] Donnie Wahlberg Club? Kind of went through a New Kids phase with my best friend.
We got teased and mocked.
But then, going into high school, Erica and I decided to totally reinvent ourselves.
So she bailed on all her smart classes, I got us makeovers And you were those girls who came in freshman year cool and popular.
- Yeah.
We were douche-turds.
- Hmm.
Look, I'm not proud of who I was in high school, okay? But who is? So becoming a teacher is kind of like a do-over for you, too, huh? Maybe it's a chance for me to stop worrying about how people see me.
Maybe it's a chance for me to just be myself.
Does that mean you're gonna start wearing New Kids gear again? I will if you go show that kid the kind of person you really are.
Go away.
[SIGHS] Listen.
I'm really sorry for losing it yesterday.
You see, people used to pick on me in high school, and I took it all out on you.
Yeah, but you're right.
I suck.
What do you mean? So I went to this huge public school in Pittsburgh.
And I was so lost there.
People didn't even know my name.
So when I moved here I thought maybe I could just be someone new.
Maybe you just got to work on being more yourself.
Dude, I don't even know what that means.
Well, it's my job to help you figure it out.
These are the days You might fill with laughter until you break Growing up, we're so worried about how people see us that we can lose sight of who we truly are.
These days If you judge someone before you know 'em, you may never see what they're truly capable of.
SUZANNE: The radius of the second circle is 1 over 2 times pi squared.
- [DING] - Correct! William Penn Academy wins! - Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah! - Yes! Whoo! - All right! Oh, snap! - [LAUGHS] - Hey, that's my catchphrase.
And who knows? The person you judge most could even wind up being your biggest inspiration.
These are days The truth is, none of us are defined by just one thing.
We can be both a nerd and an athlete, or a jock and a math whiz.
Or even a cool teacher and a secret geek.
These are days You'll remember [VOCALIZING] Hello, guys.
My name is Brett Dier, and I'm sitting here with Alex Piper.
So, Alex, what was it like being the new kid? It's always tough being the new kid because you get there and everyone already has their friendships.
It was just a challenge.
You make fun of the teacher, everybody loves you.
That's a good strategy.
What kind of stuff did you do? There was one teacher who, in her classroom, I would just bark.
- Like a dog? - [BARKS] She never quite figured out that it was me.
She thought someone had a pet dog in the class.
I can do a Chihuahua.
Ready? - [IMITATES CHIHUAHUA BARK] - [LAUGHS] So if you could go back and talk to your younger self, would you be like, "Hey, dude, stop being a douche-turd"? I would tell myself to stop trying so hard.
What were your thoughts on CB? He seemed to be on the side of the student.
You felt like you just wanted this guy to be your friend.
He was the cool teacher, so you felt like you were a little bit cooler if he paid attention to you.
That's badass.