Schooled (2019) s02e07 Episode Script

Hakuna Matata

1 LAINEY: Back in the '90s, school plays were all the rage.
You had nervous auditions, all the drama of drama rehearsals, and the intoxicating glory of show night.
Last year, my big triumph was "Rent.
" It was a huge success.
I didn't know if I could ever top it, but maybe I didn't have to.
Okay, guys.
I know there's been a lot of buzz about the show I'm picking for this year's musical.
Obviously, there are huge expectations, given that we crushed it last year with "Rent.
" Best night of my life! My grandma said we were better than Broadway.
Everyone is expecting us to go bigger and better.
I think I have the perfect show in mind.
How about "Miss Saigon"? We can land an actual helicopter onstage like they do on Broadway.
You're right.
We could go bigger, or we could do this! "Paint Your Wagon.
" - What?! - It's a musical classic.
It's about this wagon, and it needs, like, painting.
So they paint it.
And then they sing about having painted it.
And don't get me started on the awesome songs.
Paint your wagon Don't forget your brush Hope you brought some primer Then you paint it orange Have you even seen it? Not yet.
I'm going off the title.
I've been looking forward to this for a year.
Figured we'd do something big again.
No, we've gotta give people what they're not expecting.
They zig, we zag! They want a helicopter, we give 'em a wagon! And guess what that wagon needs? TOGETHER: [Flatly.]
That's the spirit! Go, wagons! Don't forget your primer Then you paint it orange One of these days, you're gonna get outta here Live your life and finally be free Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do Someday, you will say "Those were the days" It was November 6, 1990-something, and Coach was doing what he did best coaching.
But that wasn't his only legacy.
Back when he was a student at our school, Rick Mellor set a ton of sports records, but not for much longer.
Never thought I'd see the day when my record for most interceptions in a game would get shattered.
This Matt Ryan kid's got mad skills, dude.
Eh, break one of my records, sure.
But I still got eight more that are untouchable.
Oh, they were very touchable.
His longest field goal record, his most dunks record, his fastest pin record.
Bro, look.
You're off the whole board.
Did not see that coming.
Need a hug, dude? Not at all.
'Cause at the end of the day, I will always have one record that will never be beat in a sporting event so bizarre, so dangerous, so all-around stupid that most people won't even go near it.
The pole vault! It's just so random.
Aside from Johnny Kittredge here, nobody will touch that pole with a 10-foot pole.
Then how'd you set the record? It was my senior year.
Our only vaulter took a pole to the tush.
Coach needed a sub.
Naturally, he called upon me, being that I'm the perfect specimen and built for excellence in all sports.
His words, not mine.
Without hesitation, I grabbed that giant, wobbly pole, and I launched myself skyward, elegantly soaring 14 feet, 7 inches over that bar, shattering the school record for all Oh, you did it! Oh, sweet Lord, no! 14 feet, 2 inches! - Attaboy, Tory! - Thanks, Coach K! 14 feet, 2 inches? That new kid's dangerously close to your I'm fully aware of how close he is.
So whatcha gonna do? There's nothing to do.
As a coach, it's my job to make sure these kids achieve excellence no matter what they try Oh, crap, he's going again? [Whistle blows.]
[Body thuds.]
Oops! My bad! Sorry! Whistle got away from me.
While Mellor was lowering the bar on the field, I was lowering the bar for myself.
Oh, boy! "Paint Your Wagon"! May I? Annnnd garbage.
Hey! It took me almost a minute to make those! I heard about your baffling choice for the fall musical, Ms.
It's not happening.
You are doing this "The Lion King.
" "The Lion King"? "The Lion King"?! Wilma, we're doing "The Lion King.
" - Yeah, I've been here for all of it.
- Oh, my God.
This is, no joke, my favorite movie-musical turned musical-musical ever.
The circle of life - The The lettuce is the little cub.
- Yeah, we got it.
Earl, you do know "The Lion King" is a hit Broadway show with a huge cast, big numbers, awesome costumes.
There's also a stampede of angry wildebeests onstage.
Simba doesn't get tackled, fortunately, but some heavy adult themes sure do.
Lainey, this play is the hottest ticket this year, thanks to you.
I've got the Philly Post coming, alumni flying in.
Even Sir Elton John is coming.
- What?! - BOTH: What?! Well, I left word with his agent's assistant, who hung up, but that's not a no.
Well, Wilm 'n I think Sir Elton's a fool if he misses this show.
Yeah, we're not a team on this.
Good luck, Ms.
And I have no doubt you'll make it just as thrilling as the million-dollar Disney production in the heart of Times Square.
While Ball threw a wrench in my plans, Mellor was trying to throw a wrench of his own.
John, can I talk to you for a second? It's super important.
I'd like to help Katman with the boy's track team, if that's okay with you.
That's incredibly generous of you, Rick.
Well, it's just me helping where I can and certainly has nothing to do with a personal agenda.
Don't know why you'd make that clarification, but thank you.
You truly are selfless, Rick.
Hey, that's your new nickname Selfless Rick.
I don't do it for the nicknames, John.
Okay, Modest Rick.
I'm gonna keep working on it.
Modest Rick is not cutting it.
But you are definitely gonna get a new nickname.
All that matters to me is I do what's best for these kids.
Tory, you're out.
- No more pole vaulting for you.
- Why? It's time you follow your true passion the hammer throw.
What's that thing? It's a hammer that you throw.
How do you not know this? It's your passion.
Hey, Rick's back.
To what do we owe this pleasure, pal? Glascott asked me to give you a hand, so I'm making some bold moves to fix this broken team.
Oh, man, that's great.
Glad I got your trust, partner.
All right, Tory, have at it! [Glass shatters.]
We did good work here today.
While Katman was none the wiser, Glascott was onto Mellor.
Hey-hey! Got a message the big boss-man wanted to see good ol' Selfless Rick! More like Selfish Rick.
You got Tory throwing hammers? So what's this all about? Some stupid sports record? Stupid? Those records are my legacy.
Rick, you're one of the top coaches in the city.
Maybe it's time to move on from that wall.
Oh, you are such a hypocrite.
- Excuse me? - Don't act like you don't care about awards and accolades.
You display yours for all to see! I worked my butt off for those.
So did I! How would you feel if my name replaced yours on this wall? That's not even possible.
Is that a challenge? No.
It's the reality.
Then it's settled! I will stop at nothing until I surpass everything you've ever accomplished, starting with graduating with honors from Howard University! - You really won't.
- Oh, I'm going.
And you think you're so special because you got a 4.
0? - Mm-hmm.
- I'll double it and get an 8.
They don't give those, I think.
They won't have a choice.
And when I am named valedictorian, I'll give a commencement speech declaring that Rick Mellor is far superior than John Glascott and every single student at Howard University.
Okay, I know we're fighting, but, really, don't do that.
Next, I'll win each and every award you've ever won, not just once, but multiple times.
Really? You're gonna win the Quaker Head of School Award without even being principal? I'll become one and win six! And for my coup de grace, I will become the rightful owner of this.
My #1 Uncle mug that Felicia gave me? You're not even her uncle! Yet! I shall wine and dine and ultimately wed your older sister, Claire, aunt of Felicia Glascott, your pride and joy.
Doesn't matter.
I'm Felicia's rock, always have been! Until now! My life's mission is to lavish Felicia with love, support, and mall shopping sprees until this mug is mine! That's hurtful, Rick! In fact, I have a new nickname for you.
It's Hurtful Rick! Well, soon enough you're gonna be calling me "All of John's Greatest Achievements Have Been Taken by Me" Rick.
How's that sound? I think it's long and clunky.
Then coming up with a better nickname will be my first task! My #1 Uncle mug handle.
Look what you've done! Now it's just a cup.
First I'll fix this mug.
Then I'll marry your sister.
While Mellor was protecting his legacy, I was researching "The Lion King" and thinking my own legacy was about to go down the drain.
I can't do this play.
Oh, come on.
Last year you fought so hard to get a big play.
Now they're letting you do the biggest.
There's gonna be all these huge expectations.
- That's not my thing.
- Expectations? As in having someone think so highly of you that they assume everything you do will be amazing? Yes.
It is messed up, man.
When I was a student here, I meticulously arranged my life so that no one would expect anything of me.
That sounds like a lot of work to get the result of nothing.
But worth it.
My teachers didn't care how I did.
They were just impressed I came to class instead of siphoning gas out of their cars.
But now you're a grown-up with an actual job, which means actual people expect you to do actual things.
But I've already done a ton of great stuff here, and I just keep getting asked for more and more.
When can I be like, "We're cool, right?" Seeing that it's your job, never.
But stop freaking out.
We can help you.
Oh, my God, yeah.
Let me help.
I know every word to "The Lion King.
" I can also help the kids with the lyrics and the lines.
I'm really good at animal sounds.
Here's an example.
Here's a Shih Tzu.
- [Barks.]
- And I can show the kids how to sew some amazing costumes.
Really? In college, I had a side hustle making bootleg Beanie Babies.
That's right.
Wilma was a bad girl.
Wow, thank you.
Um, you can handle the costumes.
- Me and CB will cover the auditions.
- Oh, man! I can't wait to teach our Timon how to do a perfect Nathan Lane impression.
[Bad Italian accent.]
I-I'll-a tell ya, Simba.
This a-stinks.
[Normal voice.]
I'm sorry.
I'm just I'm overwhelmed, and I'm excited.
Whoo! I'm gonna go practice.
It's official.
I was screwed.
The school had big expectations for "The Lion King," but judging by the auditions, I was in big trouble.
Simba, I want to tell you something that my father told me.
Sorry to cut in.
It's just, Mufasa's played by James Earl Jones, so you gotta deepen the ol' voice box.
How deep? Well, he also plays Darth Vader, so mad deep.
Got it.
Simba! Krrrr-sshhh! I am your father! Krrrr - Thank you for your time.
- We'll be in touch.
Who knew finding James Earl Jones in a Quaker middle school would be so hard? Oh, wait, I did! I know you're worried, Lains, but just like the song says, hakuna matata.
Screw the song.
I've got nine male animals to cast and only three boys who have auditioned.
Yeah, but the good news? - Hakuna matata.
- You're making it worse.
Yeah, but you know how I can make it better? - Say it with me.
- Hakuna-mama.
- Say it with me.
Come on.
- Hakuna-mama.
Hakuna matata! No worries about the incredibly marginal talent pool.
The real star of "Lion King" the music.
You know what? You're right.
It is about the music.
[Instruments playing off-key.]
Wow, great work, everyone! When you're done warming up, let's hear "Circle of Life.
" I believe that was "Circle of Life.
" - Oh, that's worrisome.
- No, no worries.
'Cause even if our pit is rough around the edges, the real reason why people love "The Lion King" is the epic, life-size animal costumes.
[Dramatic music playing.]
Ta-da! Gah! What the hell am I looking at?! Here's our giraffe.
We overshot the neck a bit.
A bit? It looks like he was just cut down from the gallows.
Moving on, that's a zebra.
It looks like it was murdered and came back to seek revenge.
And finally, we have our majestic elephant.
My measurements were a bit off, and we ran out of materials.
Oh, God.
It's like if the Elephant Man were an actual elephant.
I'm sorry! I thought it was like sew a button here, glue some felt there! I'm the science teacher, not Bob Mackie! Everyone, it's fine.
Let's just take a deep breath and say hakuna ma No.
Don't you dare.
That song lied to us.
No one should ever hakuna-matata their way through life.
But it's a problem-free philosophy, remember? You don't see any problems with the cast and crew and menagerie of jungle horrors? Well, yeah, part of me does.
And then the other part's gonna go, "Hakuna matata, though, no worries.
" - Huh? - Oh, I got worries.
I got a lot of matata going on in my body right now.
- Where are you going? - To fix this before I embarrass myself and the entire school.
Wait! Do you at least wanna see the antelope we made? Ahhhhhhh! Holy [bleep.]
, Wilma! While my musical was falling apart, so was Mellor's plan to keep his pole-vaulting record.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's all this? I'm a physics teacher, Rick.
I'm using it to help Tory improve his jump.
You can't cheat with science.
That's against the rules of sports.
Buddy, Glascott made it clear this is my team, not yours.
Yeah? Well, he'll change his tune when I court and marry his sister Claire.
- [Chuckles.]
- Please, just let it go.
[Exhales sharply.]
Everyone in this school knows you used to be a star athlete.
Used to be? I could break my own record right now if I so choose.
- You really can't, pal.
- Says who? Says body mass, bone density, lung capacity.
Don't you dare diminish me with your witch-like equations.
I'll tell ya what.
If I go pole-vault right now and set a new record, it stands.
And if you don't, you let it go once and for all.
What do ya say? I say prepare to witness greatness.
It's Mellor Time.
[Inspirational instrumental music plays.]
[Music stops.]
- Did I do it? - Sure didn't, buddy, 'cause, ya know, science.
Ah, screw science.
I'm going again.
Okay, here I go! Uppsey daisy! LAINEY: Okay! [Claps hands.]
Listen up, everyone.
Just want to say I am so impressed with all of you.
I mean, look at that set our stage crew is building.
Truly, you kids are insanely talented which is why it was so hard for me to hire adults who can do it all way better.
What? My dad owns a tile and flooring company, so I borrowed a few workmen to give us a little help in building every single thing.
So what do we get to build? Camaraderie with your friends as you sit in the shadows and watch the show come to life.
Are you sure you don't want the kids to help at all? Of course.
Just not the complicated stuff, like sets and costumes and also the orchestra.
Say hello to Pennsylvania's third-best Rush cover band.
You're gonna love what we did to the end of "I Just Can't Wait to Be King.
" Just stick to the sheet music.
Okay, but if a good 10-hour jam session happens, I can't fight it.
Wow, lot of big changes.
What about the cast? You're all super stars, so just go up there and have a great show.
Minus the roles I've recast.
You owe me big time.
I'm missing a lot of work for this.
And I'm missing the LSAT.
It was either become a lawyer or see my sweet Erica.
Sup? You chose poorly.
Meet our new Simba and Nala.
- Why?! - What?! Back in the day, Dave Kim and Erica Goldberg were shining theater stars.
Sorry, Jessica and Tom.
You're also stars, just not as bright.
But still stars.
My grammy's coming from Portland.
This is gonna be really hard to explain.
I know you have a lot of expectations on you, um, but the point of a student production is that it has actual students.
I was hoping you'd play both Timon and Pumbaa.
- Both?! - You were saying? It's like someone came up to me and said, "Your dream just came true," and then some other guy was like, "Your other dream just came true.
" I'll take that as a yes.
[Cockney accent.]
'Allo! I'm Pumbaa! And I-I eat bugs, I do! Where are these accents coming from? Gah! I'm gonna work on it.
Whoa, wait.
Where are you guys all going? We quit.
We didn't sign up to do nothing.
I just wanted to put on the best show possible.
Without us.
Doing theater with you was supposed to be the best part of the whole school year.
No, don't do that.
I already have so many expectations on me from Ball and everyone else.
I can't have them from you guys, too.
Last time I checked, we should be the only ones that matter.
Cheggit, Dave Kim wears V-necks now.
And guess how much I can bench.
I don't know.
Like 60 pounds? Yes.
John, you got a sec for Hurtful Rick? Don't even.
I just got off the phone with my big sis, Claire.
She said you asked her out on a date to Planet Hollywood? - Don't worry.
- I will worry.
Everyone knows it's the most romantic restaurant in town, - after Rainforest Cafe.
- Calm down.
Katman forced me to move on from my old records and focus on the now.
Really? Which is why I created a new board specifically for teachers.
Teacher records? [Chuckles.]
Come on, Rick.
That's not a thing.
Oh, but it is.
There's a board, so it's official.
But these records are insane.
"Most Nerds Encouraged"? 2,904 dweebs and counting.
"Longest Whistle Blow"? 18.
2 seconds.
You want to take me on? No.
Most of these records don't even apply to half the faculty.
I mean, "Most High-Fives Delivered"? "Most Chicken Cubes Eaten"? "Thickest Right Calf"? "Most No-Handed Push-Ups"? How does that even work? It doesn't.
I hurt myself real bad, but I still did one.
Okay, stop.
There's no way that I'm letting you hang this in the gym next to the kids who have worked so hard to get there.
But I worked hard, too.
That wall in the gym is my crowning achievement.
Now it's gone.
Yeah, because you pushed those kids to be their best and to win.
They're the ones who win, and not me.
You don't get it, do you? The wall in your office is full of achievements, and all my records are gone.
My wall is blank.
And it's gonna stay that way.
Thanks to my questionable directing, it was curtains for my production - of "The Lion King.
" - Whatcha up to, Lewis? I'm canceling the show.
- You can't do that.
- It wasn't really my choice.
All the kids I fired are quitting.
Look, I know we all got swept away with this whole "Lion King" thing, and some of us may have spent an entire month's salary - on a dialect coach.
- Did it help? [Jamaican accent.]
I'm Nathan Lane, mon.
- Are you? - [Normal voice.]
Obviously not.
The point is all you wanted to do was put on a great show.
It's a good thing.
The hell it is.
Life is so much easier when people expect nothing from you.
Lainey, it's just a high school play.
What's the worst that could happen if it's not perfect? I embarrass myself and the kids and this entire school.
My response to that? Oh, no, what are you doing? [Piano music plays.]
Hakuna matata Don't do that.
What a wonderful phrase Please stop.
Hakuna matata You're making it worse.
Ain't no passing craze - Are you done? - It means no worries For the rest of your days Holy crap, you can sing.
It's our problem-free Why am I the music teacher? BOTH: Philosophy Effortless harmonizing.
Hakuna [Music stops.]
Matata There she is.
Okay, I'm not giving up on this, but we got a lot of work to do.
Wilma, go cancel the costumes I ordered - and fix up the old ones.
- Copy that.
CB, tell Johnny Atkins and his band I've decided to part ways.
That'll be fun.
- Hey, CB? - Yeah? You may be a terrible Timon and an even worse Pumbaa but you're an amazing guy.
No worries.
You should never take more than you give In the circle of life Damn it! - You're hesitating.
- What? Stop thinking about your form and focus on getting over the bar.
Rick, we had a deal.
I know.
I'm not here for me.
I'm here to help him get that record.
Stop doubting yourself.
Back in the day, I didn't have the best form, but I was fearless.
You can do this.
Till we find our place Go get it.
On the path unwinding [Cheering.]
That's a new record, Rick.
Big of you to let it go.
- It just feels good to be a part of it.
- The circle of life Li-i-i-fe There's nothing scarier than when people have big expectations of you.
But turns out, CB was right.
I really didn't need to worry.
That night, those parents watched the performance of a lifetime.
Sure, it wasn't Broadway, but with my friends by my side, those kids were able to reach new heights.
'Cause in the end, that's the way you'll be remembered forever.
In the circle Who cares about having your name up on some wall when you can have it up on the whole building? You did this? No, you did.
And it wasn't by setting all those records as a student.
It was by being the best coach these kids could have asked for for all these years.
Thanks, John.
I needed this win.
- In the circle - You've got plenty.
- In the circle - And you got plenty more in the future.
The circle of life [Inhales sharply, exhales sharply.]
Come on! Just me like me and Coach K taught you! Lead with your right! You can do it, John Kittredge! - [Laughs.]
- [Cheering.]
MAN: Nice.
I cleared 10 feet on my first jump.
- John - Didn't make it.
cleared it after the competition was over.
But let it be known, John has jumped 10 feet.
- Successfully.
- Officially.

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