Scot Squad (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 Welcome to Scotland, the biggest country in northern Britain.
But it isn't all big mountains, bagpipes and Braveheart.
Especially not with the new unified police force that now polices the country.
With force.
Join us as we tail the teams trailing the many terrains of the tartan territory.
Be they rural cops, urban cops, city cops or traffic cops.
They're brave, they're tough - they are the Scot Squad.
This programme contains adult humour.
Effective organisations need a powerful leader.
With years of experience under his utility belt, Cameron Miekelson has bagged the Scottish police's top job - Chief Commissioner I'm very proud to be the first leader of the Unified Scottish Police Force.
We're bringing everyone together, you know? And it's an it's an onerous task.
I mean, I'm not going to lie to you.
Yeah, the old Henry Ford quote up there.
"If you think you can do a thing or you think you can't do a thing, "you're probably right.
" Henry Ford.
And our job is to make sure that we can do a thing, and that the criminals can't do a thing.
And that's, you know, that's the that's the meat of it for me.
You know, I mean, occasionally we, you know, we'll let the, the criminals think they can, you know, but only as a, you know, as a double bluff.
We're thinking we're reeling them in that way.
OK, you can? You think you can? Aye, well, you can't! We're on you.
You cannae.
Scotland's police force is brand-new, but some things have been left exactly as they should be, like long serving partners, Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher.
Best thing aboot ma partner, Sarah, is there's never a dull moment.
Did you try ma tablet? No.
Just half an hour into the shift and the partners have been sent to check out the house of a pensioner who hasn't been seen for days.
This situation calls for some swift thinking and hard police investigation.
They've been freshly watered.
Hello? Hello? Oh, God.
Whit? That's nippy.
After finding no signs of life, they decide it's time to take heavier action.
Yes, man, ah love rammin' a door doon.
Right, stand back.
I'll get the door kicked in, then.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
How obvious? What? A can ae beans? WPC Fletcher's convenient discovery gets them inside.
But once there, they find something grim awaiting them.
Aw, Jack.
Bless her.
It's hummin', eh? Got to the living room and we found a lady there.
So I called it in.
I called it in to get the mortuary to send out a van.
Older than 70.
Lovely beard.
We were just having a look around.
Somebody else might have been in the house.
We were in the lady's bedroom.
She might have left a telly on, electric blanket, that kind of So you've got to check every room, you know? Seen a bit ae action ower the years, eh? Sh.
Bet that's annoyed the neighbours on a few occasions.
You'd hear that.
What bed doesn't squeak, though, in all honesty? A water bed.
Yeah, but then it's weird, like, movement in a water bed.
You ever shagged in a water bed? Yeah.
You dinnae dae that.
No, but you end up You fall intae it like that.
You dinnae get as good resistance on a water bed.
I know, that's what I mean.
When they take a routine look at the property Old ladies, they've got the best recipe books.
A raspberry flan.
That's something I've never had.
.
.
their search throws up something out of the ordinary.
- It doesnae matter, it's Jeez! - Oh, my! She met with us in the hallway.
Mm.
Obviously, you get a bit of a shock.
I thought I examined her.
You immediately think ghost, but, obviously, logic takes over.
And she was happy to be reassured of the situation.
- Calm down.
- Out! - Yes, wait - Get out of my house.
Get out.
You've taken my stuff and everything.
- Thank you! They appreciate it could have been anyone.
I'm just glad, police.
That we're there That we're there for her.
Thanks! Lovely to meet you! There's a market for old grannies.
Ungrateful old boot.
OK, bye.
She's got another 20 years.
No' wae that attitude, she's no'.
So, a happy, happy ending to what started out a sad story.
Many volunteer officers do the job out of good will and some even have ambitions to become full-time defenders of justice.
One such volunteer officer is Ken Beattie.
What's your name, sir? Jake.
Jake? What do you do, you're homeless? Mm, yeah.
Obviously.
Yes, that's, eh, out my own pocket, ha.
It's tough.
I'm pretty skint, actually, you know, doing giving soup and that to the homeless.
And helping out the prostitutes.
It's, it's hard.
Whilst conducting a routine check to see if car doors are locked, Ken is mobilised by a woman in distress.
Excuse me? Excuse me, I need your help.
I'd like to report a theft.
Come in.
- A theft? - Uh-huh.
Oh, but I'm actually a special constable, not a Well, that's fine.
Get in.
OK, em, I'll just take your details.
No, naw, I cannae report it out here.
Get in.
I'm no telling ye what it is oot there.
Move it! OK, em Wipe your feet.
Move.
Move! What's your name, please? Jamie Lee McGurk.
Jamie Lee McGurk.
OK, my name is, eh, Ken Beattie.
Right, Ken.
Ken Beattie.
What appears to have been stolen, Miss McGurk? Ma knickers aff ma washing line.
Ma pants.
Your, em? On 12 occasions, Ken.
12 times.
That's happened 12 12 occasions.
12 times.
That's, that's quite a lot, actually.
It is quite a lot.
- OK.
- I've got nane left.
What did the, em, said item look like? - I'll go and get them for ye.
- OK.
Right.
These are, eh, these are ma thong ones.
These are I've got two pair ae them.
Oh, that's, em Em, hawd them.
Hawd them.
These are ma special ones.
I'veI had another three pair ae them, but they've gone as well, so that's ma only wan left.
This is, eh, day wear.
I'd another few pair ae them.
I'd a Eh, well, I had different shades a pinks.
And these are the French knickers.
See these? They go up the bum, but they still got They don't go right up and then you've got the bit cusping at the front.
I can see the cusping.
Take them.
I'd loadsa pair a pants.
I've got nane left.
I understand, Miss McGurk.
Thanks.
Now, could you show me the, eh, area that the crime took place in? Well, it's oot the back.
Out the back? Right, c'mon oot the back.
Out here.
Through here.
You know, people I look up to and respect, and you see, there, the Dalai Lama .
.
Ken Buchanan and Lulu.
And that's The Dalai Lama and and Ken Buchanan, it's the ying and the yang of the police force, in a way.
It'sit'sit's peaceful.
It's forceful.
And Lulu.
Well, Lulu is just You know, I'm a great believer in the power of song.
I think she can look after herself, as well.
You get that impression with Lulu.
She's little, but she's She can pack a punch, you know? So it's just That's it - Dalai Lama, Ken Buchanan and Lulu.
And, of course, the other thing is, they're all Scottish.
You know, apart from the Dalai.
Scotland's roads, some of the busiest roads in north-western Europe, where traffic officers Urquhart and Singh must ensure motorists' safety.
It's a big job, and an even bigger responsibility.
We were out on patrol and we happened to notice a badly parked car.
So we did a stop and investigated it.
It was my suspicion that it was so badly parked that it had probably been parked by a woman or a pensioner.
Yeah.
Em, we don't try to discriminate, eh, in terms of how bad their car's been parked, or how badly someone's driving.
Usually it's a woman or a pensioner, though, so Like I say, we don't try to discriminate.
We try not to, but sometimes they don't give us any option.
- Excuse me, sir? - You all right? Hello.
Is this your vehicle? It is if I keep up the payments, you know? Aye, very good, sir.
You been, eh, you been drinking? - One or two.
One or two.
- Right.
He'd clearly been drinking and he'd locked his keys inside the car.
So we tried to pop the lock, but you didn't have any luck wae that.
How do you no just open up the door? There's the hawnle there.
But it's locked.
It's locked, sir.
Best thing I ever did, taking up the bowling.
It got me oot the hoose.
- Oh! - Oh, hey.
- Oh, there we go.
You go in the back, son.
He's like a whippet.
You should see him wae his shovel.
Look, he's in the front already.
There you go.
- Perfect.
- Oh, well done.
- Perfect.
Bravo.
- Well done.
Sir, we're going to give you your keys back, but you've got to promise you'll go in the bowling club, - phone a taxi, or you're going to walk home.
- Phone a taxi.
You're going to phone a taxi? You cannot drive, OK? I'm not You cannae be driving.
No, you I've got the message.
I cannae drive.
I've got the message.
Watch your parking next time.
- I'll get a taxi home.
- Good.
Sergeant Karen-Anne Millar is responsible for processing the scumbags who fill the cells.
Today, some small personal effects are causing major problems.
The balloons ended up in the charge bar as a result of an altercation, eh, at a local fair.
PHONES RING Hello? Balloon sellers can be unusually territorial, eh, about their pitches.
Em, they're quite like rutting stags.
Sometimes, you see them lock their horns.
Hanghang on a second.
'Our officers were forced to separate them 'and bring them back here for interview.
' And we were storing the balloons in the interim.
It'sit's their property.
We cannae allow anything to happen to that.
That's a man's livelihood.
I'm going to have to phone you back, I'm sorry.
It's dignified, the uniform.
That's what it is.
It lends the position dignity.
It's the same with the bearing, you know? It's Look at that.
You trust me, you know? Who's that guy? That guy's going to look after you.
Who's this? He's What's he doing? Like that.
Come in, sit down.
Nothing, no respect.
So, yeah, that's dignified, it's authoritative and OK, if you're It's a wee bit sexy.
It's oot here, OK? Meanwhile, back at the home of Ms McGurk, volunteer officer Ken Beattie hot-foots it to the scene of the crime.
Just here? Aye.
So that's where thethe, em, the under The pants, the knickers.
Yeah, the pants.
They were pink.
They were up here.
There's a lot of movement round here.
Well, I come out here on a Friday night and have a drink, - so that's where I sit.
- OK.
So I don't know whether it's been me or it's been something else.
Have your neighbours, have they seenseen anything? I don't talk to that cow, naw.
I can see they've got access through this bit here.
Through the gate, here.
This seems like a ideal spot, here, to enter in the Well, my gate wasnae open.
My gate's no' been touched.
Gate not They've come ower the wall, or something like that.
Up over the? Yup, that's It's only a four fit waw.
Yup, that'sthat's definitely a possible answer, there.
You could easily Yup.
Have ye seen enough? Are you done? Right, come on.
That cow will be watching what we're daeing.
He may be out in the sticks, but PC Charlie McIntosh knows policing.
If you can finger a criminal, you can stop a crime.
This is a Class C drug, maybe, but you're a Class A fool.
Thanks to staff restructuring, he's also getting to know his new partner, Jane McKay.
Today, they've been informed of an obstruction on a local road.
Aw, dear, poor lamb.
Literally, that's poor lamb.
The farmer will not get anything for that at market, now.
In many regards, this is how we'll end up.
Cold slab.
And he can't even donate his wool, now, that'sthat's ruined.
First of all, we had to identify the sheep, em, and luckily, PC McIntosh, here, em, recognised the markings from a nearby farm.
Yeah.
William's sheep, no doubt about it.
Yeah.
I know my sheep.
Part of the police's job is to make crucial decisions quickly and so, McIntosh and McKay get stuck in to moving the sheep.
Oh, that's not easy.
I think it will be good for me.
I'll get to go and tell the farmer about the death andand get a bit of practice before I have to do it about an actual person.
It's almost ironic, really, isn't it, that we're in a passing place.
From a passing place to the passing of time.
Every second counts as Charlie and Jane remain alert and vigilant, building that crucial understanding that's vital to any good partnership.
The relationship with my current partner has, uh, has grown over the course of, even, the 24 hours, for me.
You do any impressions, Jane? Maybe do a Donald Duck or something.
Oh, yeah.
Let's hear it.
SHE DOES HER IMPRESSION Yes.
That's good.
Something like that.
That is a good Donald Duck.
I don't know how you talk and do that at the same time, like.
SHE TRIES It's hard.
HE TRIES I JANE LAUGHS I No, I can't do it.
- You kind of turned into a scary Darth Vader or something.
- Yeah.
I think my relationship with my partner isis very important.
It's good to have a nice, tight bond, there, to have an understanding of each other.
That's absolutely unbelievable.
That's that's absolutely unbelievable.
No? No idea.
That'sthat's Alan Hanson.
Oh, right.
He's a football pundit, but it's Ah, I wouldn't know.
If you're in trouble, something bad's happened, you want the boys in blue there as quickly as possible, you know? And we're looking at a scheme It's like the pizza boys, you know? If you deliver You order a pizza, it's not there in 20 minutes, it's a free pizza.
Now, is there something along those lines that we can, you know, that we can do? Because what, you know, we've What we don't want, you know, is, say there's a scenario, you're in a, you, you're in a block of flats.
Somebody in 35A is ordering a pizza, somebody in 35B has just been stabbed.
And, now, you're calling in, the boy in 35 gets the pizza, the boy in 35B calls the police.
Now, we should be there before the pizza, is what I'm saying.
That'syou know? And we should guarantee that, you know? At the very least, we should be arriving at the same time as the pizza, and that's, that's what we're aiming for.
When you call 999, you get the SPF's crack team of call responders.
Maggie LeBeau is one of the voices on the line.
She is committed to answering your call swiftly and sharply.
Hello, police, how can I be of assistance? And efficiently.
Do we get a lot of time wasting calls? Em, yes, is the answer.
Yes, we do.
Eh, one that, actually, recently, I've got quite a lot of is retailers selling, eh, single packs of crisps from multi-pack bags.
And you know, although this is illegal, it doesn't really, you know, constitute an emergency call.
I'm sorry, ma'am, but we, we can't really arrest your children.
We recently started a Twitter page - @Scotland999, like, 999 emergency, you know? Eh, where people can report crimes online.
There's an armed robbery coming through on the Twitter.
Hash tags - High Rolling Weegie and Gangsta4life.
It's probably a hoax.
There's some problems.
You can only use 140 characters on Twitter, and some crimes don't fit into 140 characters.
Jane? I'vemywhat's my password? I change my password all the time, you know, and I've got a lot of passwords, you know? I've got mainframe, I've got personal, I've got this building, you know, and then my own laptop, which is "Queen of the South", is the password, em, or, no, it's not "Queen of the South".
Jean, we've talked about this.
I mean, you know, we want secure systems.
We're notkeep people out but notyou've gotta let me in.
Have I, I used "password", eh? What about "P-underscore-ass-word?" Oh, I'll phone IT, Jean.
Oh, this is password, too.
This is a number, though.
This is a number, Jean.
Is the phone a number? Jean? Well, your call cannot be completed.
You cannotyou do not have access.
I do not have access? I'm theI'm the boss.
Well, I could e-mail them.
I could e-mail IT if I could get on the computer but I can't.
It's a number and a word.
Have we done "one potato", "two potato", "three potato", "four"? Oh, I'm in! Back on the mean streets of the big city, things take a turn for the worse when the retired rabble-rouser just won't back down.
OK, sir, we're going to give you your keys back We told him not to drive home and And what does he do? What does he do? He tries to drive home.
Ridiculous.
Excuse me, sir.
You're no' thinking about driving, are ye? Eh? No, I'm just checking that the door opens and shuts.
Right, sir.
You're going to have to come wae us.
The boys may have given him a chance at redemption, but this booze-fuelled hell-raiser is hell bent on driving a path of destruction, so they have no choice but to take him away.
Mind your head.
And your shoulders.
It's old people.
They just think they can do whatever they want, as if they're above the law.
Not just old people, it's everyone.
I mean, a lot of people, regardless of age.
- Aye, but old people, they do tend to get drunk and drive, though.
- Well This bowler may have a strong arm on the lawn, but now he's under the long arm of the law.
People presume the police purely process and prosecute petty puncturers of peace, but protecting the population through palpable public presence is a primary priority.
Desk sergeant Karen-Anne deals with the punters professionally, patiently and politely.
Dealing with the public can be a challenging role, on occasion.
Em, you know, we, we do have some frequent fliers, eh, I like to refer to them.
They won't take ma, ma ginger bottles.
I kicked a duck up the bum.
Well, watch me snap it, a pair a cuffs.
I found this down the park, Officer Karen.
I'm sorry, I just walked three miles wae that over my back.
I tell you what, Bobby, why don't I use my special, remember we've got our special pad for when you're reporting stuff, yeah? I'm in to make a complaint.
What can I do for you today? Someone's unfriended me on Facebook and they've put my face on a pig and they've tagged me.
- So you've painted over the graffiti? - I painted all over it.
In Bongo Jazz? Yeah.
Bongo Jazz.
It's Uncle Jeffry's favourite colour.
You've done a good thing, Bobby.
Thank you.
Take a note of, eh, what the bad words were, - but don't give me into trouble.
- OK.
What did it say? It says, eh, "Sandra is a dirty cow.
" I don't know who Sandra is.
I don't know if she's dirty and I don't know if she's a cow but it was bad.
They have a purpose, and, and they're doing what they can for the, the public, which is important, I think.
You're a nice officer and I, I thought I'd bring you a bag for your lunch.
That's genuinely really kind, Bobby.
Yeah.
Apple turnovers and there's ham hock.
Em, I'm actually gluten intolerant, Bobby, so I, I can't actually eat anything wae, wae wheat products in it, but that was awful kid of ye.
- Take it back? - Unfortunately, actually.
I'll have to throw it in the bin.
I can't get it refunded.
I'm sorry, Officer Karen.
I'll bring wheat-free whoopsies next time.
Local resident Bobby regularly uses the station's facilities.
Today, he has an important appeal to make.
- How are you? - I'm just in to see about missing Fridge, see if you've heard any more about it.
I'm handing out missing posters, so anybody can come in, if they know about it they can tell you, then get in touch.
Oh, right, Fridge is a dog? Yeah.
Fridge my dog.
I'll put this one over here.
- If anybody comes in - Bobby, ye can't put posters up on that board.
- I need to stick it up, it's Fridgy.
- Sorry, Bobby, but that's Government information and you cannae cover it up.
I'm really sorry.
If you take it outside and put it on the buildings out in the street.
You can put it on lamp posts and stuff.
That's fine.
Take these off? Just, just the you've put up, yeah.
Uh-huh, that's, that's fine.
- It's been too long - Bobby The thing is, you haven't actually put a photo of your dog or your phone number or your name on them.
- Oh.
- And that's going to make it quite difficult.
That's why I'm on it, so they can get in They know my face and they can tell me in person.
My concern is that people will think it's you that's missing and that they'll keep returning you to the police station.
OK.
OK, so I'll go now.
I'll go outside and I'll put them up outside.
Right, thanks, Officer Karen.
Thanks, and remember, keep that.
That's important police business.
Fridge is my best friend.
I know he is, Bobby.
OK? He's been good to me.
- See you later, Bobby.
- See you after, Karen.
I'll stick them, stick here? No, it, it'd be better if you go round the corner.
So, on the inside? No, maybe, like, round the corner to another building.
Oh, OK.
Right, OK, just down there? - Aye.
- See you later, Officer Karen.
- See you later, Bobby.
- Bye.
Bye-bye.
Back at the house theft, volunteer officer Ken Beattie is trying to reassure the angry victim.
- 12 times this has happened.
- 12 And I'm counting on ye.
I'm counting on ye to dae something aboot it.
Gies a minute.
You know, I've suffered a lot through this.
It'll be the death of me.
- Look at me, on the wine every night.
You want a drink? - Oh, no, I'd, I - Are you sure? - Not on the job, I'm afraid.
- Have a drink.
- I can't, really.
- Och, come on.
- I really can't.
- Och, it's really nice.
It's a, it's a nice red.
- A nice what? - I'll just I'll put, I'll pour you a wee spot - then you can just sit wae it.
- No, please - Just have a wee bit - Miss McGurk - Just put it doon beside ye, and if you want a drink, you can have a drink, right? I'm feeling like I'm I live here on my ane, you know what I mean? I've got para.
I'm a paranoid android, I'm telling ye.
I don't know what tae dae.
And I've no' got a man, either.
I'm going to be single for the rest of my life, and I'm going to be lonely, you know what I mean? And then ma maw, she passed away five month ago.
Ma maw was an old bastard, you know what I mean? But I miss her.
And yer faimly's yer faimly.
Yer maw's yer maw, know what I mean? Yer da's yer da, but yer maw's yer maw.
I mean, I don't have many pals aboot here, you know what I mean? - I don't see a lot of people.
Naw, she's a cow next door, - BLEEP - her.
Know what I mean? Are you sure you don't want a glass of wine? - Uh, I'm sure.
Uh - Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Do you want something tae eat? - No, I'm, I'm - Could get something in.
I've no ate for days, I'm telling ye, cos I've been taking these panic attacks.
Ye like yer chunk an aw, din't ye? I do, yes.
This has just been a nightmare, I swear tae God.
And this, all this, ower pants, you know what I mean? Telling ye, this is what I dae tae get myself up and running, know what I mean? I get dead competitive like that.
This is what keeps me going.
The only way is up for me.
The only way is up! Mind that song? That was a brilliant song, that.
I'm gonnae beat them aw.
- You want a go? - Oh, eh, no, I'm - Left leg - It's a bit too high for me.
No, it's no', it's all right.
Right, get yersel up there.
Right, that's it.
Right, keep going.
Keep going.
- Take yer hat aff.
- No, no, I can't.
Miss McGurk, please get me off! MUSIC: The Only Way Is Up by Yazz You know, it was an interesting enquiry for me.
One that brought more questions than answers, if truth be told.
OK, you would like to report a robbery.
Someone has stolen your heart? Oh, OK, Happy Valentine's Day to you too, sir.
Bye.
There's one thing I envy off the officers and, you know, that's that they have partners because, sometimes, you know, I think that would be nice.
Em, but you know, I'm part of a team.
There's no "I" in team, but there is tea.
Minutes before the end of their shift, McLaren and Fletcher are hot on a case where the heat is rising.
There's nothing wrong here, sir.
I'll tell you what's wrong.
Your attitude, lady boy.
Move ower there.
We got called to a potential domestic disturbance, which turned out to be a full-on domestic disturbance.
It was just a bit of shouting.
It was more than a bit of shouting.
He was being very aggressive.
- Put your hands doon.
Put your hands doon.
- All right, this is aw Turn roon.
Honey, is that it - is that your name, Honey? - Mine isn't, no.
- You, you dinnae even ken her name.
Turn roon.
Stop staring me oot.
Stop staring me oot.
Up against the wall.
You can tell very quickly if someone's a dickhead, and I could tell in aboot ten seconds he was a cock.
- Turn roond.
- This way? I just turned roon' for you.
Turn roond the other way.
That's it.
You're arrested.
- Right, that's it.
- Arrested for? I've not done anything! - Whit? I'll take him.
I'll take him, eh? Lady boy.
What you like? Aye, saved.
Saved.
But you do have to remain completely impartial in these situations.
You sort yourself out.
- You shut your filthy face, all right? Are you OK? - I'm fine.
You don't look OK, I'm going to be honest.
I mean, you look nice, dinnae get me wrong.
But you, you look a wee bit shaken.
- Does he drink a lot, does he? - Yeah.
You've gotta thoroughly find out the story.
You've gotta be personable wae them, find out what's causing it.
- How long you been going out wae him? - Just aboot six months.
Well, that's six months too much, isn't it? What I'm gonnae do, I'm going to give you my, my number.
I'm Jack.
My mates call me J.
You can call me J.
PC J.
I'll put J.
I'll put Jack, just in case you want tae know what the J stands for.
Right? You can call that any time.
So why don't I give you that, J, Big J, as they call me at the Tai-kwan-do, which I do a couple of times a week.
- Really lovely talking to you.
- Lovely talking to you, too.
- Keep safe.
- Yes.
I'll make sure you are.
Aye, well, what can I say? It's just part of the service, isn't it? What do you cut, you know? There are certain things, you know, do we need every computer? You know, has a computer ever arrested anyone, you know, literally? No.
Hats.
Do we, I mean, does everybody, everybody need a hat? I mean, are the public going to really care if you So we're looking at hat sharing.
I mean, in the end, what's this? In the end, I mean, could we lose that? We could probably lose that.
I mean, it's nice.
This? I mean, I've been in the police, I dun What, 35 year, now? I'm still not entirely sure what that is.
Motorbikes.
Motorbikes is one I'm interested in, actually.
Motorbikes You know the display boys? You can get about 15 on three of they bikes.
Now, so that's, do we need 15 bikes or three bikes? Three bikes is probably enough.
Now, whether you can respond, whether your boys You can all turn up in the big triangle, the cheese triangle, to the crime is another, that's another matter, but think about it.
999, oh, that's, coming roon' the corner, cheesy peeps, man, eh? Imagine, I mean the, your criminal's going to be But it, I mean, if it's drug crime, imagine if you're off yer head.
You're off yer head and you see this coming? Whoa! Coming round the corner.
You've just, you'd turn yourself in.
So that's what I'm saying.
I'm looking for cuts that make sense.
Policing the streets.
Covering the country.
On foot, on wheels, or on the phone, this high command of highly commendable Caledonian commanders of crime killing have one aim - to protect and serve.
So sleep safe, because the Scot Squad are sending the crooks homeward to think again.
But it isn't all big mountains, bagpipes and Braveheart.
Especially not with the new unified police force that now polices the country.
With force.
Join us as we tail the teams trailing the many terrains of the tartan territory.
Be they rural cops, urban cops, city cops or traffic cops.
They're brave, they're tough - they are the Scot Squad.
This programme contains adult humour.
Effective organisations need a powerful leader.
With years of experience under his utility belt, Cameron Miekelson has bagged the Scottish police's top job - Chief Commissioner I'm very proud to be the first leader of the Unified Scottish Police Force.
We're bringing everyone together, you know? And it's an it's an onerous task.
I mean, I'm not going to lie to you.
Yeah, the old Henry Ford quote up there.
"If you think you can do a thing or you think you can't do a thing, "you're probably right.
" Henry Ford.
And our job is to make sure that we can do a thing, and that the criminals can't do a thing.
And that's, you know, that's the that's the meat of it for me.
You know, I mean, occasionally we, you know, we'll let the, the criminals think they can, you know, but only as a, you know, as a double bluff.
We're thinking we're reeling them in that way.
OK, you can? You think you can? Aye, well, you can't! We're on you.
You cannae.
Scotland's police force is brand-new, but some things have been left exactly as they should be, like long serving partners, Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher.
Best thing aboot ma partner, Sarah, is there's never a dull moment.
Did you try ma tablet? No.
Just half an hour into the shift and the partners have been sent to check out the house of a pensioner who hasn't been seen for days.
This situation calls for some swift thinking and hard police investigation.
They've been freshly watered.
Hello? Hello? Oh, God.
Whit? That's nippy.
After finding no signs of life, they decide it's time to take heavier action.
Yes, man, ah love rammin' a door doon.
Right, stand back.
I'll get the door kicked in, then.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
How obvious? What? A can ae beans? WPC Fletcher's convenient discovery gets them inside.
But once there, they find something grim awaiting them.
Aw, Jack.
Bless her.
It's hummin', eh? Got to the living room and we found a lady there.
So I called it in.
I called it in to get the mortuary to send out a van.
Older than 70.
Lovely beard.
We were just having a look around.
Somebody else might have been in the house.
We were in the lady's bedroom.
She might have left a telly on, electric blanket, that kind of So you've got to check every room, you know? Seen a bit ae action ower the years, eh? Sh.
Bet that's annoyed the neighbours on a few occasions.
You'd hear that.
What bed doesn't squeak, though, in all honesty? A water bed.
Yeah, but then it's weird, like, movement in a water bed.
You ever shagged in a water bed? Yeah.
You dinnae dae that.
No, but you end up You fall intae it like that.
You dinnae get as good resistance on a water bed.
I know, that's what I mean.
When they take a routine look at the property Old ladies, they've got the best recipe books.
A raspberry flan.
That's something I've never had.
.
.
their search throws up something out of the ordinary.
- It doesnae matter, it's Jeez! - Oh, my! She met with us in the hallway.
Mm.
Obviously, you get a bit of a shock.
I thought I examined her.
You immediately think ghost, but, obviously, logic takes over.
And she was happy to be reassured of the situation.
- Calm down.
- Out! - Yes, wait - Get out of my house.
Get out.
You've taken my stuff and everything.
- Thank you! They appreciate it could have been anyone.
I'm just glad, police.
That we're there That we're there for her.
Thanks! Lovely to meet you! There's a market for old grannies.
Ungrateful old boot.
OK, bye.
She's got another 20 years.
No' wae that attitude, she's no'.
So, a happy, happy ending to what started out a sad story.
Many volunteer officers do the job out of good will and some even have ambitions to become full-time defenders of justice.
One such volunteer officer is Ken Beattie.
What's your name, sir? Jake.
Jake? What do you do, you're homeless? Mm, yeah.
Obviously.
Yes, that's, eh, out my own pocket, ha.
It's tough.
I'm pretty skint, actually, you know, doing giving soup and that to the homeless.
And helping out the prostitutes.
It's, it's hard.
Whilst conducting a routine check to see if car doors are locked, Ken is mobilised by a woman in distress.
Excuse me? Excuse me, I need your help.
I'd like to report a theft.
Come in.
- A theft? - Uh-huh.
Oh, but I'm actually a special constable, not a Well, that's fine.
Get in.
OK, em, I'll just take your details.
No, naw, I cannae report it out here.
Get in.
I'm no telling ye what it is oot there.
Move it! OK, em Wipe your feet.
Move.
Move! What's your name, please? Jamie Lee McGurk.
Jamie Lee McGurk.
OK, my name is, eh, Ken Beattie.
Right, Ken.
Ken Beattie.
What appears to have been stolen, Miss McGurk? Ma knickers aff ma washing line.
Ma pants.
Your, em? On 12 occasions, Ken.
12 times.
That's happened 12 12 occasions.
12 times.
That's, that's quite a lot, actually.
It is quite a lot.
- OK.
- I've got nane left.
What did the, em, said item look like? - I'll go and get them for ye.
- OK.
Right.
These are, eh, these are ma thong ones.
These are I've got two pair ae them.
Oh, that's, em Em, hawd them.
Hawd them.
These are ma special ones.
I'veI had another three pair ae them, but they've gone as well, so that's ma only wan left.
This is, eh, day wear.
I'd another few pair ae them.
I'd a Eh, well, I had different shades a pinks.
And these are the French knickers.
See these? They go up the bum, but they still got They don't go right up and then you've got the bit cusping at the front.
I can see the cusping.
Take them.
I'd loadsa pair a pants.
I've got nane left.
I understand, Miss McGurk.
Thanks.
Now, could you show me the, eh, area that the crime took place in? Well, it's oot the back.
Out the back? Right, c'mon oot the back.
Out here.
Through here.
You know, people I look up to and respect, and you see, there, the Dalai Lama .
.
Ken Buchanan and Lulu.
And that's The Dalai Lama and and Ken Buchanan, it's the ying and the yang of the police force, in a way.
It'sit'sit's peaceful.
It's forceful.
And Lulu.
Well, Lulu is just You know, I'm a great believer in the power of song.
I think she can look after herself, as well.
You get that impression with Lulu.
She's little, but she's She can pack a punch, you know? So it's just That's it - Dalai Lama, Ken Buchanan and Lulu.
And, of course, the other thing is, they're all Scottish.
You know, apart from the Dalai.
Scotland's roads, some of the busiest roads in north-western Europe, where traffic officers Urquhart and Singh must ensure motorists' safety.
It's a big job, and an even bigger responsibility.
We were out on patrol and we happened to notice a badly parked car.
So we did a stop and investigated it.
It was my suspicion that it was so badly parked that it had probably been parked by a woman or a pensioner.
Yeah.
Em, we don't try to discriminate, eh, in terms of how bad their car's been parked, or how badly someone's driving.
Usually it's a woman or a pensioner, though, so Like I say, we don't try to discriminate.
We try not to, but sometimes they don't give us any option.
- Excuse me, sir? - You all right? Hello.
Is this your vehicle? It is if I keep up the payments, you know? Aye, very good, sir.
You been, eh, you been drinking? - One or two.
One or two.
- Right.
He'd clearly been drinking and he'd locked his keys inside the car.
So we tried to pop the lock, but you didn't have any luck wae that.
How do you no just open up the door? There's the hawnle there.
But it's locked.
It's locked, sir.
Best thing I ever did, taking up the bowling.
It got me oot the hoose.
- Oh! - Oh, hey.
- Oh, there we go.
You go in the back, son.
He's like a whippet.
You should see him wae his shovel.
Look, he's in the front already.
There you go.
- Perfect.
- Oh, well done.
- Perfect.
Bravo.
- Well done.
Sir, we're going to give you your keys back, but you've got to promise you'll go in the bowling club, - phone a taxi, or you're going to walk home.
- Phone a taxi.
You're going to phone a taxi? You cannot drive, OK? I'm not You cannae be driving.
No, you I've got the message.
I cannae drive.
I've got the message.
Watch your parking next time.
- I'll get a taxi home.
- Good.
Sergeant Karen-Anne Millar is responsible for processing the scumbags who fill the cells.
Today, some small personal effects are causing major problems.
The balloons ended up in the charge bar as a result of an altercation, eh, at a local fair.
PHONES RING Hello? Balloon sellers can be unusually territorial, eh, about their pitches.
Em, they're quite like rutting stags.
Sometimes, you see them lock their horns.
Hanghang on a second.
'Our officers were forced to separate them 'and bring them back here for interview.
' And we were storing the balloons in the interim.
It'sit's their property.
We cannae allow anything to happen to that.
That's a man's livelihood.
I'm going to have to phone you back, I'm sorry.
It's dignified, the uniform.
That's what it is.
It lends the position dignity.
It's the same with the bearing, you know? It's Look at that.
You trust me, you know? Who's that guy? That guy's going to look after you.
Who's this? He's What's he doing? Like that.
Come in, sit down.
Nothing, no respect.
So, yeah, that's dignified, it's authoritative and OK, if you're It's a wee bit sexy.
It's oot here, OK? Meanwhile, back at the home of Ms McGurk, volunteer officer Ken Beattie hot-foots it to the scene of the crime.
Just here? Aye.
So that's where thethe, em, the under The pants, the knickers.
Yeah, the pants.
They were pink.
They were up here.
There's a lot of movement round here.
Well, I come out here on a Friday night and have a drink, - so that's where I sit.
- OK.
So I don't know whether it's been me or it's been something else.
Have your neighbours, have they seenseen anything? I don't talk to that cow, naw.
I can see they've got access through this bit here.
Through the gate, here.
This seems like a ideal spot, here, to enter in the Well, my gate wasnae open.
My gate's no' been touched.
Gate not They've come ower the wall, or something like that.
Up over the? Yup, that's It's only a four fit waw.
Yup, that'sthat's definitely a possible answer, there.
You could easily Yup.
Have ye seen enough? Are you done? Right, come on.
That cow will be watching what we're daeing.
He may be out in the sticks, but PC Charlie McIntosh knows policing.
If you can finger a criminal, you can stop a crime.
This is a Class C drug, maybe, but you're a Class A fool.
Thanks to staff restructuring, he's also getting to know his new partner, Jane McKay.
Today, they've been informed of an obstruction on a local road.
Aw, dear, poor lamb.
Literally, that's poor lamb.
The farmer will not get anything for that at market, now.
In many regards, this is how we'll end up.
Cold slab.
And he can't even donate his wool, now, that'sthat's ruined.
First of all, we had to identify the sheep, em, and luckily, PC McIntosh, here, em, recognised the markings from a nearby farm.
Yeah.
William's sheep, no doubt about it.
Yeah.
I know my sheep.
Part of the police's job is to make crucial decisions quickly and so, McIntosh and McKay get stuck in to moving the sheep.
Oh, that's not easy.
I think it will be good for me.
I'll get to go and tell the farmer about the death andand get a bit of practice before I have to do it about an actual person.
It's almost ironic, really, isn't it, that we're in a passing place.
From a passing place to the passing of time.
Every second counts as Charlie and Jane remain alert and vigilant, building that crucial understanding that's vital to any good partnership.
The relationship with my current partner has, uh, has grown over the course of, even, the 24 hours, for me.
You do any impressions, Jane? Maybe do a Donald Duck or something.
Oh, yeah.
Let's hear it.
SHE DOES HER IMPRESSION Yes.
That's good.
Something like that.
That is a good Donald Duck.
I don't know how you talk and do that at the same time, like.
SHE TRIES It's hard.
HE TRIES I JANE LAUGHS I No, I can't do it.
- You kind of turned into a scary Darth Vader or something.
- Yeah.
I think my relationship with my partner isis very important.
It's good to have a nice, tight bond, there, to have an understanding of each other.
That's absolutely unbelievable.
That's that's absolutely unbelievable.
No? No idea.
That'sthat's Alan Hanson.
Oh, right.
He's a football pundit, but it's Ah, I wouldn't know.
If you're in trouble, something bad's happened, you want the boys in blue there as quickly as possible, you know? And we're looking at a scheme It's like the pizza boys, you know? If you deliver You order a pizza, it's not there in 20 minutes, it's a free pizza.
Now, is there something along those lines that we can, you know, that we can do? Because what, you know, we've What we don't want, you know, is, say there's a scenario, you're in a, you, you're in a block of flats.
Somebody in 35A is ordering a pizza, somebody in 35B has just been stabbed.
And, now, you're calling in, the boy in 35 gets the pizza, the boy in 35B calls the police.
Now, we should be there before the pizza, is what I'm saying.
That'syou know? And we should guarantee that, you know? At the very least, we should be arriving at the same time as the pizza, and that's, that's what we're aiming for.
When you call 999, you get the SPF's crack team of call responders.
Maggie LeBeau is one of the voices on the line.
She is committed to answering your call swiftly and sharply.
Hello, police, how can I be of assistance? And efficiently.
Do we get a lot of time wasting calls? Em, yes, is the answer.
Yes, we do.
Eh, one that, actually, recently, I've got quite a lot of is retailers selling, eh, single packs of crisps from multi-pack bags.
And you know, although this is illegal, it doesn't really, you know, constitute an emergency call.
I'm sorry, ma'am, but we, we can't really arrest your children.
We recently started a Twitter page - @Scotland999, like, 999 emergency, you know? Eh, where people can report crimes online.
There's an armed robbery coming through on the Twitter.
Hash tags - High Rolling Weegie and Gangsta4life.
It's probably a hoax.
There's some problems.
You can only use 140 characters on Twitter, and some crimes don't fit into 140 characters.
Jane? I'vemywhat's my password? I change my password all the time, you know, and I've got a lot of passwords, you know? I've got mainframe, I've got personal, I've got this building, you know, and then my own laptop, which is "Queen of the South", is the password, em, or, no, it's not "Queen of the South".
Jean, we've talked about this.
I mean, you know, we want secure systems.
We're notkeep people out but notyou've gotta let me in.
Have I, I used "password", eh? What about "P-underscore-ass-word?" Oh, I'll phone IT, Jean.
Oh, this is password, too.
This is a number, though.
This is a number, Jean.
Is the phone a number? Jean? Well, your call cannot be completed.
You cannotyou do not have access.
I do not have access? I'm theI'm the boss.
Well, I could e-mail them.
I could e-mail IT if I could get on the computer but I can't.
It's a number and a word.
Have we done "one potato", "two potato", "three potato", "four"? Oh, I'm in! Back on the mean streets of the big city, things take a turn for the worse when the retired rabble-rouser just won't back down.
OK, sir, we're going to give you your keys back We told him not to drive home and And what does he do? What does he do? He tries to drive home.
Ridiculous.
Excuse me, sir.
You're no' thinking about driving, are ye? Eh? No, I'm just checking that the door opens and shuts.
Right, sir.
You're going to have to come wae us.
The boys may have given him a chance at redemption, but this booze-fuelled hell-raiser is hell bent on driving a path of destruction, so they have no choice but to take him away.
Mind your head.
And your shoulders.
It's old people.
They just think they can do whatever they want, as if they're above the law.
Not just old people, it's everyone.
I mean, a lot of people, regardless of age.
- Aye, but old people, they do tend to get drunk and drive, though.
- Well This bowler may have a strong arm on the lawn, but now he's under the long arm of the law.
People presume the police purely process and prosecute petty puncturers of peace, but protecting the population through palpable public presence is a primary priority.
Desk sergeant Karen-Anne deals with the punters professionally, patiently and politely.
Dealing with the public can be a challenging role, on occasion.
Em, you know, we, we do have some frequent fliers, eh, I like to refer to them.
They won't take ma, ma ginger bottles.
I kicked a duck up the bum.
Well, watch me snap it, a pair a cuffs.
I found this down the park, Officer Karen.
I'm sorry, I just walked three miles wae that over my back.
I tell you what, Bobby, why don't I use my special, remember we've got our special pad for when you're reporting stuff, yeah? I'm in to make a complaint.
What can I do for you today? Someone's unfriended me on Facebook and they've put my face on a pig and they've tagged me.
- So you've painted over the graffiti? - I painted all over it.
In Bongo Jazz? Yeah.
Bongo Jazz.
It's Uncle Jeffry's favourite colour.
You've done a good thing, Bobby.
Thank you.
Take a note of, eh, what the bad words were, - but don't give me into trouble.
- OK.
What did it say? It says, eh, "Sandra is a dirty cow.
" I don't know who Sandra is.
I don't know if she's dirty and I don't know if she's a cow but it was bad.
They have a purpose, and, and they're doing what they can for the, the public, which is important, I think.
You're a nice officer and I, I thought I'd bring you a bag for your lunch.
That's genuinely really kind, Bobby.
Yeah.
Apple turnovers and there's ham hock.
Em, I'm actually gluten intolerant, Bobby, so I, I can't actually eat anything wae, wae wheat products in it, but that was awful kid of ye.
- Take it back? - Unfortunately, actually.
I'll have to throw it in the bin.
I can't get it refunded.
I'm sorry, Officer Karen.
I'll bring wheat-free whoopsies next time.
Local resident Bobby regularly uses the station's facilities.
Today, he has an important appeal to make.
- How are you? - I'm just in to see about missing Fridge, see if you've heard any more about it.
I'm handing out missing posters, so anybody can come in, if they know about it they can tell you, then get in touch.
Oh, right, Fridge is a dog? Yeah.
Fridge my dog.
I'll put this one over here.
- If anybody comes in - Bobby, ye can't put posters up on that board.
- I need to stick it up, it's Fridgy.
- Sorry, Bobby, but that's Government information and you cannae cover it up.
I'm really sorry.
If you take it outside and put it on the buildings out in the street.
You can put it on lamp posts and stuff.
That's fine.
Take these off? Just, just the you've put up, yeah.
Uh-huh, that's, that's fine.
- It's been too long - Bobby The thing is, you haven't actually put a photo of your dog or your phone number or your name on them.
- Oh.
- And that's going to make it quite difficult.
That's why I'm on it, so they can get in They know my face and they can tell me in person.
My concern is that people will think it's you that's missing and that they'll keep returning you to the police station.
OK.
OK, so I'll go now.
I'll go outside and I'll put them up outside.
Right, thanks, Officer Karen.
Thanks, and remember, keep that.
That's important police business.
Fridge is my best friend.
I know he is, Bobby.
OK? He's been good to me.
- See you later, Bobby.
- See you after, Karen.
I'll stick them, stick here? No, it, it'd be better if you go round the corner.
So, on the inside? No, maybe, like, round the corner to another building.
Oh, OK.
Right, OK, just down there? - Aye.
- See you later, Officer Karen.
- See you later, Bobby.
- Bye.
Bye-bye.
Back at the house theft, volunteer officer Ken Beattie is trying to reassure the angry victim.
- 12 times this has happened.
- 12 And I'm counting on ye.
I'm counting on ye to dae something aboot it.
Gies a minute.
You know, I've suffered a lot through this.
It'll be the death of me.
- Look at me, on the wine every night.
You want a drink? - Oh, no, I'd, I - Are you sure? - Not on the job, I'm afraid.
- Have a drink.
- I can't, really.
- Och, come on.
- I really can't.
- Och, it's really nice.
It's a, it's a nice red.
- A nice what? - I'll just I'll put, I'll pour you a wee spot - then you can just sit wae it.
- No, please - Just have a wee bit - Miss McGurk - Just put it doon beside ye, and if you want a drink, you can have a drink, right? I'm feeling like I'm I live here on my ane, you know what I mean? I've got para.
I'm a paranoid android, I'm telling ye.
I don't know what tae dae.
And I've no' got a man, either.
I'm going to be single for the rest of my life, and I'm going to be lonely, you know what I mean? And then ma maw, she passed away five month ago.
Ma maw was an old bastard, you know what I mean? But I miss her.
And yer faimly's yer faimly.
Yer maw's yer maw, know what I mean? Yer da's yer da, but yer maw's yer maw.
I mean, I don't have many pals aboot here, you know what I mean? - I don't see a lot of people.
Naw, she's a cow next door, - BLEEP - her.
Know what I mean? Are you sure you don't want a glass of wine? - Uh, I'm sure.
Uh - Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Do you want something tae eat? - No, I'm, I'm - Could get something in.
I've no ate for days, I'm telling ye, cos I've been taking these panic attacks.
Ye like yer chunk an aw, din't ye? I do, yes.
This has just been a nightmare, I swear tae God.
And this, all this, ower pants, you know what I mean? Telling ye, this is what I dae tae get myself up and running, know what I mean? I get dead competitive like that.
This is what keeps me going.
The only way is up for me.
The only way is up! Mind that song? That was a brilliant song, that.
I'm gonnae beat them aw.
- You want a go? - Oh, eh, no, I'm - Left leg - It's a bit too high for me.
No, it's no', it's all right.
Right, get yersel up there.
Right, that's it.
Right, keep going.
Keep going.
- Take yer hat aff.
- No, no, I can't.
Miss McGurk, please get me off! MUSIC: The Only Way Is Up by Yazz You know, it was an interesting enquiry for me.
One that brought more questions than answers, if truth be told.
OK, you would like to report a robbery.
Someone has stolen your heart? Oh, OK, Happy Valentine's Day to you too, sir.
Bye.
There's one thing I envy off the officers and, you know, that's that they have partners because, sometimes, you know, I think that would be nice.
Em, but you know, I'm part of a team.
There's no "I" in team, but there is tea.
Minutes before the end of their shift, McLaren and Fletcher are hot on a case where the heat is rising.
There's nothing wrong here, sir.
I'll tell you what's wrong.
Your attitude, lady boy.
Move ower there.
We got called to a potential domestic disturbance, which turned out to be a full-on domestic disturbance.
It was just a bit of shouting.
It was more than a bit of shouting.
He was being very aggressive.
- Put your hands doon.
Put your hands doon.
- All right, this is aw Turn roon.
Honey, is that it - is that your name, Honey? - Mine isn't, no.
- You, you dinnae even ken her name.
Turn roon.
Stop staring me oot.
Stop staring me oot.
Up against the wall.
You can tell very quickly if someone's a dickhead, and I could tell in aboot ten seconds he was a cock.
- Turn roond.
- This way? I just turned roon' for you.
Turn roond the other way.
That's it.
You're arrested.
- Right, that's it.
- Arrested for? I've not done anything! - Whit? I'll take him.
I'll take him, eh? Lady boy.
What you like? Aye, saved.
Saved.
But you do have to remain completely impartial in these situations.
You sort yourself out.
- You shut your filthy face, all right? Are you OK? - I'm fine.
You don't look OK, I'm going to be honest.
I mean, you look nice, dinnae get me wrong.
But you, you look a wee bit shaken.
- Does he drink a lot, does he? - Yeah.
You've gotta thoroughly find out the story.
You've gotta be personable wae them, find out what's causing it.
- How long you been going out wae him? - Just aboot six months.
Well, that's six months too much, isn't it? What I'm gonnae do, I'm going to give you my, my number.
I'm Jack.
My mates call me J.
You can call me J.
PC J.
I'll put J.
I'll put Jack, just in case you want tae know what the J stands for.
Right? You can call that any time.
So why don't I give you that, J, Big J, as they call me at the Tai-kwan-do, which I do a couple of times a week.
- Really lovely talking to you.
- Lovely talking to you, too.
- Keep safe.
- Yes.
I'll make sure you are.
Aye, well, what can I say? It's just part of the service, isn't it? What do you cut, you know? There are certain things, you know, do we need every computer? You know, has a computer ever arrested anyone, you know, literally? No.
Hats.
Do we, I mean, does everybody, everybody need a hat? I mean, are the public going to really care if you So we're looking at hat sharing.
I mean, in the end, what's this? In the end, I mean, could we lose that? We could probably lose that.
I mean, it's nice.
This? I mean, I've been in the police, I dun What, 35 year, now? I'm still not entirely sure what that is.
Motorbikes.
Motorbikes is one I'm interested in, actually.
Motorbikes You know the display boys? You can get about 15 on three of they bikes.
Now, so that's, do we need 15 bikes or three bikes? Three bikes is probably enough.
Now, whether you can respond, whether your boys You can all turn up in the big triangle, the cheese triangle, to the crime is another, that's another matter, but think about it.
999, oh, that's, coming roon' the corner, cheesy peeps, man, eh? Imagine, I mean the, your criminal's going to be But it, I mean, if it's drug crime, imagine if you're off yer head.
You're off yer head and you see this coming? Whoa! Coming round the corner.
You've just, you'd turn yourself in.
So that's what I'm saying.
I'm looking for cuts that make sense.
Policing the streets.
Covering the country.
On foot, on wheels, or on the phone, this high command of highly commendable Caledonian commanders of crime killing have one aim - to protect and serve.
So sleep safe, because the Scot Squad are sending the crooks homeward to think again.