Scrubs s01e09 Episode Script

As a first-year intern, you have little free time.
When you have a night off, it's important you do something constructive.
- How's it goin'? - I have no idea who you are.
What's up, dude? Wait a second.
He's dating Carla.
This is not good.
First, I already told her I got a girlfriend.
Second, you just put your bare lips on my ear.
- How's it going? I'm - JD, I know.
He won't stop talking about you.
I'm Jennifer.
Do you really spend every day saving children's lives? Tell the nice lady.
I do what I can.
It's on! It's on.
- It's on! - Oh, yeah.
I know two things about bars.
One, they're packed Thanksgiving week.
Two, put a beer in my hand and I'm Mr Smooth.
I was laughing so hard, milk was coming out of my nose.
I once tripped over an IV and blood shot over everyone.
A little got on my nose.
Every damn day, saving those children.
Who wants margaritas? Dude, less blood, more fruity drinks.
Right.
Turk hasn't changed a bit since college.
He's the same goof ball who tells me how to be cooler.
Dude.
- This girl's hot.
So don't blow it.
- Why do you say that? Because you're like a 24-hour convenience store.
You never close.
That sounds like a Fat Albert joke.
Don't worry about it, I feel good tonight, know what I'm saying? Good.
Except for this stabbing pain in my side.
Up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.
- Dude! - My bad.
Not crying, punching the wall all manly and angry like, you know what I mean? See ya later, buddy.
Poor Bambi.
Don't worry.
Carla will take care of you.
- Make sure he's admitted right away.
- All right.
On the bright side, it'll be interesting to see what it's like to be a patient.
You know people die here? You're a good friend.
I do what I can.
Can I have your stuff? So did you talk to any girls last night? I'm an attractive man, we both know this.
It's a burden you're gonna have to live with.
One of many.
JD talked some girl up.
Really? Are you gonna call her? Not right away.
Showtime.
Clear out so I can check him out.
You're examining me? I don't want you to see my unmentionables.
I've seen underwear before.
I use the word unmentionables for my genitals as well.
with respiratory distress Save your breath.
Hello, Dad.
Never thought you'd call me that again, after I left.
- Dr Cox! - Relax, Carla.
The man I'm smothering isn't my father.
Dr Benson used to be Chief of Medicine here.
Hi, how are you? Still have that great rapport with the nurses? Carla totally gets me.
That's why I've systematically tried to drive her away.
Ever see that therapist I recommended? Not yet, no.
Shortness of breath? Dizziness? Problems urinating? No.
No Is it a problem if it whistles? You're making this so much easier.
Are you sexually active? It's active.
I'll write "rare dry spell" in the margin.
OK, time for the physical.
Cold hands.
Suck it up! Elliot's exam was reminiscent of when my older brother beat the crap out of me.
God! See, it wasn't so bad.
All done.
I'm puking every hour and my fever's high but you're sure it's OK for me to be out of bed? I don't know.
Dr Benson was my mentor.
Don't do that annoying thing.
- What annoying thing? - When you talk.
Come on.
- Does that not drive you crazy? - You get used to it.
I know you're excited with the gown on but at no time are you to curtsy.
He can say what he wants.
but he's showing me off.
Dr Benson.
Just give us a second, will ya, big guy? Did you hear about her? Watching Dr Cox, I realised we never really stop craving the attention of people we look up to.
Any questions? Good.
- He seemed nice.
- Careful, Newbie.
I'm hearing it now.
It is kind of annoying when I talk.
In a lot of relationships, you regress to the person you were when you met.
So Elliot's exam was that bad? - Dude, she violated me.
- In a good way? What's the deal? I think I broke my ass! You're telling everyone I violated you.
Not everyone, just the people that work here.
And my parents.
Was there something wrong with my exam? So there it is.
The classic trap.
Two choices.
Either wuss out or tell the truth.
You're kinda rough.
You're rough and you're a little businesslike.
- You're cold.
- You mean my hands? Yeah, those too.
I just think you could be more comforting.
I could tell she appreciated how hard it was for me to say that.
Do you know how annoying you are when you talk? Maybe not.
- I was watching that.
- It's broken.
Dr Cox.
Did you get my memo reminding senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times? You know, I did get it, Bob, and at first I just threw it away but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture.
So I made a replica of you out of straw and then I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket then invited the neighbourhood kids to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.
So, I have been looking at Dr Benson's chart.
His chest x-ray was normal his vitals are stable, so let's discharge him.
Now hold the phone there, skipper.
Dr Benson should be able to stay here until he feels he's ready to go.
Give me a break, he was only Chief of Medicine for ten years.
Well, I haven't had my coffee yet, so I'm finding it hard coming up with a more colourful way to say "Who gives a crap?" Actually, that wasn't half bad.
Our next patient is a 26-year-old male who has presented vomiting, abdominal cramps and fever.
I never realised how hard rounds are on the patient.
It feels like you're on display.
Still, Rodin's masterpiece makes us wonder why didn't he spend a little less time thinking and a little more time at the gym? I do cardio.
Which most likely indicates what, Dr Reid? He has a simple case of appendicitis.
How would you proceed, Dr Dorian? I would give me that news in private, no matter how angry I was at me.
Sounds like there's a fascinating back story here.
Turf him to surgery.
Moving on.
Watch it, Bambi.
You don't want a 100lb white girl mad at you.
You'll flinch every time you hear a Range Rover.
I can't believe I have to spend all Thanksgiving here.
- Tell me that wouldn't kill you.
- Not really.
Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in your homeland? - You mean Chicago? - You have a Chicago? Be nice to me.
I'm getting surgery.
- Dr Wen is the attending.
- Who's the intern doing the work? I get to cut you open I get to cut you open Go, girl! Go get it.
Good God.
Mr Davis, you won't be home for Thanksgiving but you'll be eating leftovers by Saturday.
Great.
And doctor, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
We've gotten to know each other over the last week, haven't we? I'd say so.
You found me comforting? God, no.
I'm pretty good with people.
- You're horrible.
- I'm warm.
You're very cold.
I mean, your hands - It's like you're a yeti.
- I have bad circulation.
I do this all day and it doesn't help.
Listen, sweetie, you're a very efficient, competent doctor.
But your exams Do you examine everyone like that or just people you feel have wronged you in some way? - I appreciate your opinion.
- It's not an opinion.
You see those guys right there? They're pretending to be asleep so you won't manhandle them.
- They are not.
- Dude, what are you doing? Too frank, right? I know.
It's probably why my mom pushed me down the stairs.
She is fat, though.
And boring.
BP's 60 over palp.
Is he having a heart attack? It's hypotension and electrical alternance on the monitor.
This is tamponade.
Viral infections can cause pericarditis and a rapid accumulation of fluid.
It looks like a heart attack but don't let it fool you.
BP's stabilizing.
- What have we got? - Don't worry.
We're fine here.
It's a universal feeling to want to be there for a good friend.
So from now on, I'm going to stop seeing Turk as my crazy frat brother.
Dr Turk, if you will? We'll mark for the incision right about here.
After all, he's a highly trained, competent young doctor.
Dude! I'm about to bust a mad sliz-ice in your insides! Sir, I'd prefer if someone other than Dr Turk performed the surgery.
Fair enough.
Dr Cotter will perform the procedure tomorrow morning.
The best thing about friends is how quickly things like this blow over.
- You understand, right? - Whatever, man.
You want some salsa for that chip on your shoulder? I can't believe you.
I would never ever do something like this to you.
- You're like school in July.
- What do you mean? No class.
You're not supposed to scare me like that, sir.
It was just a prank.
Admittedly, I took it too far.
Well, I still laughed, but I felt a little guilty I wasn't here administering I just came to check on my favourite patient.
I must have the wrong room.
- How are you, Dave? - I'm doing great, Bob.
I owe you one.
Hey, doc, you should go ahead and get some rest.
I'll be out of your hair soon.
Just a sec, skipper.
You'll stay here until you decide you're ready to leave.
For God's sake, you were the Chief of Medicine here for over ten years.
Am I right? That was what I said this morning.
Yeah, it sounded familiar.
- What? - I was wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don't show? I wonder what bothers you the most? Is it that I saved his life and he likes me as a person? I bet it's how much he respects me as a doctor.
How does that taste? Bitter? Hard to get down? - Here you go.
- Great.
Carla, everyone likes you so much, it makes me wonder - Why patients think you're a cold fish? - My God, you noticed? - Honey, they told me.
- Great.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the supply closet eating sugar packets.
Look, Elliot I'm not the kind of person who likes telling people what to do, but Here's what to do.
Here's what I think.
Here's what your problem is.
Don't think of your patients as strangers.
I'm dating Turk, I get it.
Sometimes he is a big kid.
But when it comes to work, he's as capable and mature as anyone.
Take those out.
Baby, I was being a walrus.
JD's not only your friend but a patient too, and he's scared.
Kelso is pushing your buttons.
Every now and then let something go.
Turk's not that mature.
He spent all yesterday being a walrus.
He had straws and stuff The only thing JD's scared of is sharks.
And he has a weird thing with pennies.
He's not scared about this.
Kelso's not just some harmless guy pushing my buttons, Carla.
He's a pod person.
- You're wrong.
- You're so wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong You're wrong.
I think you're right.
I don't know how to connect with patients.
Start by touching them, holding their hand, or stroking their hair or give them a reassuring pat on the arm.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
You'll be great.
Darn right.
There you go, sir.
I'm sorry.
It's my watch, I'll get it.
I'm so sorry.
Let me Dave, at Sacred Heart we don't treat symptoms, we treat people.
- There's something on your back.
- What does this one say? "Never stop kicking me.
" And on the other side is my discharge form.
Bob, you tried to discharge me an hour before I almost died? Well How very clever.
What? It wasn't me.
In fact I think you put it there yourself to get more attention.
It was me.
I put it there.
Hey, buddy.
OK, forget about everything that's going on.
We know that you're bummed out about missing Thanksgiving so we decided to bring it to you.
Wow, guys, thanks.
Where's the food? Who wants the unmentionables? Bambi? Your fever's spiking.
They're worried your appendix might burst so we're going into surgery now.
Who's on call? Dr Turk, let's get started.
Most doctors don't believe in the out-of-body experience thing and I don't know if it was real or a dream but I swear I was up there watching Turk operate on me.
And I have to say, he's an amazing surgeon.
Dude, could you not look over my shoulder while I'm doing this? It's a little unnerving.
You've got a little fever.
Probably atelectasis from lying in bed.
- I'm really uncomfortable.
- I'm so sorry.
- You're not gonna hug me, are you? - I'm done with all that.
If it makes you feel better, I hate this touchy-feely culture.
Thank you.
That whole "kiss hello" thing.
I don't want anyone touching me unless we have sex.
Even then I don't want them to overdo it.
- Where in Connecticut are you from? - Greenwich.
You? Darien.
I'm really burning up here.
God, that's fantastic.
It's like an ice pack.
Yeah.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom.
Are you at least close with your dad? You see this right here? That's his work.
Pretty good for a man in a wheelchair.
Doc, I'm sorry you gotta be here on Thanksgiving night.
My wife can't cook anyway, she's 22.
What are you doing? Forget about me.
What's your wife look like? Any pictures? Not of this one.
You know, being back at this old place you know the thing I have found to be the most disappointing? I think I can guess.
You.
Probably because you do things like show up the Chief of Medicine when anybody who's been in a room with Bob Kelso for two minutes knows how big an ass he is.
- Go easy, I just thought - You don't think, Perry.
You're such a talented doctor.
If you played the game you'd be in a position to change things around here.
But you're too stubborn for that, aren't you? All right, kid.
Gin.
Your deal.
Hi.
I just need to check on your incision.
- Turk, I was an idiot.
- It's OK, man.
No, seriously, man.
I want you to know, if I ever need surgery again I want you inside of me.
I want to be the one inside of you.
Look, JD, I get it.
To me you'll always be that geeky kid with the Pat Benatar t-shirt.
Dude, she rocks.
I want you to know how serious I am about what I do.
Did you stitch your initials into me? That's not important.
It's still Thanksgiving for 20 more minutes.
Now, you can have ginger ale and a cracker.
I forgot.
Your change.
Two pennies.
Get those pennies away from me.
Happy Thanksgiving, man.
I guess what they say is true.
The people you work with really do become your family.
Like your brother.
And your sister-in-law.
Or that cousin you have funny feelings for.
And the crazy, angry uncle everyone sort of hopes isn't coming this year.
Dr Cox.
If you want, you can come down here and hang out Nobody talk.
Just drink.
Uncomfortable silences and alcohol.
Just like Thanksgiving at home.
Drink! - There was the Nina - Shut up!