Scrubs s01e11 Episode Script

Christmas Eve.
When you spend every waking moment in a hospital it's hard to get into the spirit.
Are you aware that you're in everyone's way? Everyone's way? Or your way? Think about it.
Think about it? I'll think about it.
Still, there are some traditions I enjoy.
Like Nurse Tisdale's 9.
15 cup of coffee.
- Carla, what time is it? - I don't know but I'm guessing it's about 9.
15ish.
This thing! - Who put this up? - I did.
I drove round the whole city before my 5am shift just looking for that.
Trying to add a little cheer.
You will not ruin my Christmas.
Not again.
Not this year.
I've only worked here for three months.
Things could be worse.
I could be with Elliot doing my day in the free clinic.
I understand that you took a cab here.
But I can't give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchy.
Dr Kelso? I don't want to sound insensitive, but why don't these people have any money? I don't know, sir, they probably waste it all on food.
I need you to precept a patient.
She's eight months pregnant.
I'll let the family practice people handle it.
Wonderful idea, except I heard your smart-aleck remark so why don't you keep your little pregnant girl? It'll be good practice since you'll probably end up in a female specialty.
What do you mean by that? I'm internal medicine.
Well, of course you are.
But numbers don't lie and most women end up in OB-G YN, family practice or paediatrics.
It's like a riptide, sweetheart, pulling and pulling and you can swim against the current all you want.
When Mr Stork comes a-calling, you won't think, "I'm internal medicine.
" It's gonna be, "Oh! Look at the baby!" Sir, I have to say, I'm offended.
Oh, no.
Now I have to go buy flowers to make it right.
Newbie, stay.
What a good boy you are.
Dear God, Judy, how much product do you use? None.
It's like this when I wake up.
Quick tip, there, sports star.
When you're defensive about your feminine side, it makes you more girly.
- You want something? - Nobody likes a cranky punching bag.
And yes, it's about a patient.
Pretty good friend of mine.
I guess that means he respects me a little.
Randy, Jackie, what do you say? This is the monkey I got to videotape the birth.
I hate him.
But not as much as I hate moments like these.
There's nothing I can do for him, but when I go in, the family'll look at me like I've got some magical power to fix him.
Hey, everybody! I'm sorry, it's been two weeks, and your son shows no neurological improvement.
It was a miracle! First of all, the man was near dead.
Then he comes out.
- You're ridiculous.
- I'm telling you it was a miracle.
- It was not a miracle.
- Yes, it was.
Dude I envy Turk.
To be that sure of something, to have that faith.
That doesn't mean I don't love busting him about it.
You think God was responsible for his recovery? That's fine.
We all have our beliefs.
I carry around this tiny little Monopoly piece for good luck.
Did you compare my Lord and Saviour to a tiny top hat? He did, I heard him, baby.
Go get him.
Excuse me, Nurse Teresa.
Have you ever read the Bible? I started it.
Then I skipped to the end and it ruined it for me.
That's it.
Both of you to the window.
Let's go.
Right now.
"When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.
" Matthew, 2:10.
Dude, that's just a Christmas tree in the park.
I understand what you're saying.
Please.
You can't just jump back on my good side.
You see all of this right here? And this? And this? Consider yourself cut off.
Full love embargo, baby.
- That's not gonna last.
- It will last.
- Yeah? - It's gonna last.
What if I came up to you, all tired, and I just I had to yawn? Damn! - How pathetic is that? - Do it again.
Please.
This is from last night.
The Christmas tree over at Miller Park.
God, I love that tree.
It's so beautiful, isn't it? - I've been there almost - Listen, Meredith.
You're pregnant.
Pretty far along, actually.
What? That's not possible.
What am I supposed to do? "Look at the baby!" Babies aren't really my thing so I'm just gonna go get you someone else to talk to.
It's great to see you guys again.
Really, all three of you.
What is it with friends wanting to be in your life? Selfish is what it is.
I got Randy and Jackie in the divorce.
My God, his ex-wife.
The tension actually hurts.
You have to break it.
Say something.
Anything! Banana hammock! Your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.
You should have seen him when he was a new intern.
"I.
Don't.
Want.
To.
Be.
A.
Doctor.
" You know, I think we all know that's just not true.
I'm assuming, since you already took everything else that you're here for my self-respect but there's bad news on that one, sweetcheeks.
I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry you.
I wouldn't have room for it, what with your testicles in my trophy case.
Holy cow.
Who's better? You got me by the short hairs.
See ya.
What do you hate most about the holidays? - Wrapping presents.
You? - My family.
I don't know how anyone can get in the spirit here.
Come on, guys.
All the spirit you need is right here.
Can I get a amen? Turk's always been good at rallying people.
Congregation, I said, can I get a amen? Amen! 'Tis the season of givin', y'all.
What better place to give than right here at Sacred Heart? Lovest thou me, then feed my sheep! Right here, at Sacred Heart, we are not only gonna feed his sheep but we gonna clothe them.
- And we gonna bathe them.
- Bathe them! And we gonna cut 'em open.
Then we gonna stitch 'em right back together.
Because that is what Christmas is all about.
That's right! Preach, preach! What's the name of the song we're singing today? Right, listen.
I'm on call tonight.
But tomorrow morning, when I get home, we're going to Mass before work, OK? OK, sweetie.
I don't wanna go to Mass in the stupid Candy! I was trying to I know exactly what you're trying to do, but you're not gonna break my Christmas spirit.
You can't.
Not ever.
I'm the Holly Jolly Janitor.
Little girl.
What do you want for Christmas? I know you must be busy.
It's really nice of you to offer to do this.
It's no problem.
Childbirth has been so romanticised.
I guess because if people knew the truth Congratulations! You're expecting.
Your doctor will tell you everything you need to know.
Hi, doctor.
You'll fart, pee, puke and poop in front of ten complete strangers who'll be staring intently at your vagina which, by the way, has an 80% chance of tearing.
You do it.
Still, no matter what the realities, the end result is always the same.
Look at the baby! It's a bouncing baby boy.
Yet another soldier in the fight against Communism! - Where's the girl that was in here? - I just make beds.
I got Meredith Fox's blood work.
She's got HELLP syndrome.
She needs to deliver immediately so let's get What do you mean she just left? Get me any contact numbers.
- Why did she leave? - Again.
Bed-maker.
Newbie, I always punch the tabs out of my tapes so there's no way they can be recorded over.
So please tell me you didn't use the tape that was already in the camera.
Banana hammock.
So, in other words, there is no permanent historical record of the birth of my friend's baby? Well, I think that the baby itself would serve as proof that it was, you know born.
You don't understand what you've done.
My ex-wife is gonna hold this over my head for so long that I doubt I'll ever see the sun again.
And I liked the sun, Newbie.
It made me hopeful.
Well, I was there.
I could certainly jot down some of my feelings and impressions.
If he was really mad at me, he would have stayed and yelled at me.
Don't kid yourself.
I couldn't be any madder at you.
No, do not do that again.
That's a bad Newbie.
I can go home now.
Maybe it's because Christmas is a hard time or because too many families get together but Christmas Eve, it's one of the worst nights of the year to be on call.
I can't believe I'm wearing a suit at 6.
30 in the morning.
If you ruin this for Turk, I'll hurt you.
Noted.
You better hurry up.
Mass starts in 15 minutes.
- I'm not going.
- Great.
Can I go back to bed? I'm kidding.
I wanna get some of them church crackers.
No, I'm not going.
Ever.
Baby, what happened? Turk? Turk, come on Merry Christmas.
You're overreacting.
A girl said, "What am I gonna do?" and I said, "Babies aren't my thing.
" How could I be too hard on myself? Just don't say "Banana hammock".
Look, I'm sure she'll turn up.
That's exactly what's gonna happen.
She'll turn up, have a healthy baby and nothing'll ever happen to either one of them.
I never really thought of faith as important.
But without his, I don't know, Turk kinda seems like he's fading away.
I could use a little faith.
I have to tell them I didn't tape a thing.
You made some interesting choices with the camera, Orson.
- You didn't want any faces? - Excuse me? I switched the tapes.
Just go with it.
Here it comes, I see the head! - What a gorgeous head of hair.
- That's funny.
He was bald when he was in here a few minutes ago.
- Yeah, well - We shaved the baby.
- You shaved the baby? - Shaved it.
Standard procedure.
What with the recent outbreak of pre-natal lice.
Yep.
Definitely.
Shave and haircut.
Two bits.
Really? I'm not buying it.
You two are gonna go by the nursery and see baby Charlie? - Absolutely.
- Yes.
Charlie and his new haircut.
- Have we checked the other hospitals? - They haven't seen her, honey.
Dr Reid, isn't this your day off? - It's that pregnant girl - The one who went missing.
And now you're here, voluntarily hell bent on finding one of your little lost ducklings.
It's important you understand something.
I'm not interested in babies.
I don't melt when I see them I don't have a yearning to make them my life's work.
I'm a doctor interested in my patients, male or female.
Right now, one of them needs help.
God! Do I know women.
I don't get it.
Why are we on the roof? I wanted to show you that no matter how ugly things can get down there there's still a lot of beauty up here.
Is that Gum or pigeon crap on my sneaker? Come on, look around.
There's nobody here, no one can see us.
We could do whatever we wanted.
Like what? How are you not getting this? You mean have relations.
You wanna have relations right here on the roof.
The pebbles will make my ass look like a chocolate chocolate chip.
I can make you see God again, or at least call out his name.
Is this a joke to you? No, I'm just trying to help you feel better.
- You don't know how I feel.
- Well, then tell me.
I feel abandoned! All my life, I've believed that God listens to our prayers and that he cares for us and that he watches over us.
Last night, so many people needed to be watched over.
How am I supposed to believe in someone that's gonna let innocent people suffer? Answer me, please.
I can't.
Did you see baby Charlie yet? Oh, yeah, I was just planning on doing that.
Never.
You're such a special friend.
Gosh, Marjorie, aren't you sassy today? Did Santa finally bring you that Y chromosome you always wanted? - What's your problem, anyway? - For starters, I hate Christmas.
I don't like bambersnoodles, I loathe dinkerwallows I hate snagtumgopers I say, do you follow? Do you think I'm a moron? Don't answer that question.
It's a trick, that's a trick.
Pre-natal lice? You do realise that would be lice in the womb? I've seen them, they're real and gross.
Maybe Dr Cox had pushed me too far.
Whatever it was, I told on him.
Plus, he didn't even go see baby Charlie yet.
And then something amazing happened.
They connected.
And all the hatred they had for each other was suddenly focused on me.
Excuse me, Sally Sensitive, I don't remember asking you anything.
Your mom's aware she'll have to stop breast-feeding? Good Jordan, good.
Now work the body, under the ribs.
I'm not gonna see that baby either.
Are you gonna tattle on me? Are you? - I'm frightened.
- Do you have a second? - God, yes.
- Run away.
I spoke to a 911 operator who got a call from a girl in labour but they lost the signal.
I don't know what to do.
One of the worst things about this place is how often you feel like there's no one to turn to.
You'll be OK.
Babies are amazing.
Especially the way they bring people together.
So, baby Charlie is the bald one? Yeah.
He wouldn't be smiling so much if he knew how ugly his parents were.
- You're a sexy bitch.
- Thanks.
I really think it's impossible to be unaffected.
What up, little dawg? A baby can stir something deep down inside you, you didn't know was there.
Look at the baby! They help you find something you thought you'd lost.
How did you know she was here? I don't know, I just knew.
I guess Turk was right after all.
Miracles do happen.
I think you just have to be willing to look for them.
Merry Christmas, guys.
God bless us, every one.
Dude, you could not be a bigger dork.
You're so lame.
That was so cheesy.
Really? Cos I felt like it was Right.
Wait up!