Scrubs s01e16 Episode Script

As a doctor, you need to be prepared for anything: Heart attacks, drug overdoses, gunshot wounds.
But one thing you can't prepare for is what happens after you break up with a co-worker.
- Watch where you're walking! - You watch where you're walking.
Get the last word in.
- You watch where you're walking! - You watch where you're walking! Try as hard as you can to avoid them, you're bound to run into 'em one day.
And the next day.
And the next day.
- You don't even play sports.
- This helps me to relieve stress! Feel better? I do now.
- Girl problems? - How'd you know? You look like you got problems.
You're a girl.
Hence, girl problems.
Watch your nails.
The only positive is that a hospital's like one big family.
So if one relationship ends, there are others around you can rely on.
- Dr Cox, I was wondering - I'd say you're about a B-cup.
At least they're real.
Yep, it's a good place to heal.
Look, Mom, I gotta go.
He did? Yeah.
All right.
I love you too.
Bye.
My high school teacher, Mr Peters, died.
- Was a great guy.
- You OK? Even though I see death all the time now I still react the same way as when I was a kid.
Doin' a lot better than Mr Peters.
- Dude.
- What's up, newbie? My favourite high school teacher just died.
The correct answer is, "Nothing, sir".
My God.
Would you look at this hellhole? If I see more broken-down equipment one more gomer shuffled back and forth between some godforsaken home one more patient denied treatment because they got the wrong insurance, I There are times when I concentrate as hard as I can to see if I can catch on fire like the Human Torch.
And mark my words, newbie, if I ever pull it off I will be back here to destroy this place.
I used to like the Silver Surfer.
- Hang ten! Hang - Get in here.
After a while you get used to Dr Cox's rants.
And the lab tech is nowhere to be found so I can't get that tox screen I was looking for.
What do you say we write him a friendly note? "Dear incompetent dumb-ass.
" The truth is, Dr Cox isn't really angry, he's just amusing himself.
Maybe he's a little angry.
We didn't need those.
So, all done? He broke his pencil.
Turk, you'll be happy you picked me to co-write this study.
Hell, yeah.
I thought we'd start off by having a couple of beers.
I got all the info on peripheral vascular disease highlighted passages and coded them to correspond with the outline in your packet.
But I don't have a packet.
Look at that.
Turk's packet.
- So you did this last night? - Yeah.
- Why? What'd you do? - Carla had to work, so I scarfed down a bunch of fast food and got back home at around seven.
Then I went to the bathroom at eight.
I got outta there at 11.
15.
It was a good night! I'm a nervous poo-er.
You are not gonna believe what Dr Cox - It's you.
- Yeah.
It's me.
Could Turk have picked anyone worse to be doing this project with? If this is a peripheral vascular disease study then I'd exclude all claudication patients not on pentoxifylline.
What're you lookin' at? I'm gonna go to bed.
Elliot, are you gonna go with him? Too early for jokes? That's good to know.
It's good to know.
Interesting.
It isn't often I'm paged by a nurse.
The last time was when What was her name? She hasn't worked here since.
Never mind.
What can I do for you and your coma patient? I came across Mr Rice's advance directive and he has a few requests he would like us to honour.
Let's see.
Blinds open? That's done.
Incense burning? Close enough.
Glad you called.
Dr Kelso, he also wants to hear Poison's Talk Dirty to Me once a day.
He wants to hear whose what? Poison.
It's a heavy metal band.
Like Mötley Crüe and Winger.
My son was a bit of a headbanger.
- I'll get a tape deck in here - Nurse Espinosa, that's not necessary.
- It's just one song.
- It starts out as just one song.
But then half of the hospital staff is piercing their genitalia and fornicating in the back of vans.
Unless a family member enforces the directive we don't have to do anything.
Now, will you do me a favour and just forget about it, sweetheart? Of course.
Can you help me locate one of his family members? I could try to locate one through some legal channels, but I'm really swamped.
I love your worry lines.
They're adorable.
They're like sexy little forehead smiles.
Careful, I've been hurt before.
You won't believe what happened yesterday.
Dr Cox went ballistic and destroyed an entire lab room.
Broken computers, chairs through windows, shattered beakers.
Beakers.
How is this is not good gossip? JD, he does this every year.
And whatever you do don't get caught in his wake, because he'll take you down.
Downtown.
All the way? It's OK, boy.
Who is it? Little piggy, open up this door or I will start huffing and puffing.
But, Dr Cox, I OK! Dear Lord, please tell me that's not a onesie.
I'd invite you in - I've no interest in coming in.
- Thank God.
We're goin' out.
We can finish the synopsis for chapter four and process the Stegemann data if we pull an all-nighter.
- This isn't due for another month.
- But if we finish one week early Look Tonight's date night with Carla, and I got on special underwear.
Go.
Would you mind if I keep working? Yeah, that works for me.
I'm wearing special underwear too.
They're invisible.
Todd, I'm just kinda busy here.
No time for the Todd.
All the project geeks are busy working tonight.
Excuse me? All the surgical interns picked a project geek from Medical - To write our reports for us.
- I'm not a geek.
What's that on your finger? It's a rubber thingy to help me turn the pages quicker.
She said "rubber thingy".
Excuse me, nurse.
I'm ready for my sponge bath.
I'm sorry, I can't.
I gotta pick up a CD for this coma patient.
- But I'm wearing silk boxers.
- Turk The ones with the dogs holding big money bags.
Sweetie, I love your money pants.
It's just that I feel somebody needs to take care of this guy.
How is it that you can blow me off and it makes you sexier? - Cos you're whipped.
- I thought so.
Thank you.
Minty.
So we're here.
What do you wanna talk about? If you don't toss that shot back, I'm gonna throw you up on the bar and make you sing the theme song from Endless Love.
- Yucky.
- Yucky? I'm drinking with a mouseketeer.
Two more.
If you're not gonna talk to me, what's the point of sitting alone in a bar? You know, that's a good point.
It is.
Excuse me, ladies.
Do you know anybody who might like a couple of free drinks? Hello, ladies.
Yes, it's a onesie.
Great news.
I'm back for the night.
You know what? The hell with you, Chris Turk.
What the hell got into her? Wassup! Could you turn that off, please? What? I thought I told you not to play that in the house Hospital.
I'm just trying to do right by my patient.
As of this moment, he is no longer your patient.
- Dr Kelso, you - Young lady when I asked you to leave it alone, I wasn't really asking you.
It's like when I ask the paperboy to avoid hitting my rosebushes.
I'm saying you damn well better do it or I'm going to forget to put the chain on Baxter.
Now get on out of here and take that boom blaster with you! My relationship with Jeremy was emotionally over before he ended it.
Then I graduated from college and met Ethan.
You don't say? We had two good years and two bad years, but not all at once.
Of course.
Dr Cox, don't get me wrong.
Love getting drunk in my jammies just as much as the next guy but it's late, so Thanks for coming out, newbie.
Hope this whole thing wasn't too yucky for you.
You seem fine, so I'm I am not fine.
Why do you think we're out here at this bar at two in the morning? Just so we can go in the urinal and piss on the ice? I love to melt the middle.
We're out here because if I go home and go to sleep the only thing I'll be able to think about is I gotta go back to that place.
And you wanna know something? I got nothing.
Honest to God, I got nothing.
I'm cooked.
You owe me $53.
I think I left my wallet in my other onesie.
The bartender let you skip out on the tab? He said I could pay him back by giving him a physical which is scary because I never said I was a doctor.
I warned you about getting caught up in Dr Cox's wake.
- Does he listen? - You'd think so with those ears.
Uncalled for.
It's different.
He showed up at my place.
He showed up at my house.
- Showed up at my mama's.
- Ruined my wedding.
I know you think he's gonna shake this off but I connected with the guy, and there is no way he'll walk in with a big smile.
What do you say, sports fans? It's a great day! Elliot, Todd has something to say to you.
Todd? Turk never told me you were his project geek.
- And? - You look really hot eating that egg.
I'm sorry.
- OK? Are we? - No.
Look at me and tell me I'm not a geek.
- You still got that rubber thingy on.
- Eggs can be extremely slippery.
You scared the hell outta me.
I'm sorry.
That always happens.
No one ever expects me to be anywhere.
Aw, Ted.
She knows your name.
So, I found your coma patient's relative you were looking for.
Thank you! Thank you so much.
Don't let go.
- What? - Nothing.
I'll acknowledge there have been occasions during my tenure What do you think you're doing? Apologising to Franklyn for breaking his favourite microscope.
You can't cry on my shoulder then pretend nothing happened.
All right.
First of all, Franklyn, there was no crying.
Say it.
- No crying.
- Good boy.
And you should give some thought to purchasing some non-bunching panties.
They give you the extra support while protecting against those lines underneath your scrubs.
- I get it.
I'm a girl.
- Franklyn, you heard it.
Say it.
- He's a girl.
- Good boy.
You can't play with people's emotions cos you feel like it.
OK, newbie, I'm now going to give you an opportunity to get out of here before I grab you by your ankles and redecorate Franklyn's lab.
Please go.
We're back.
The clique is back together! That is what I'm talkin' about.
Shall we? Let's do this.
Let's get back to work.
But it's gonna be different this time.
If we take a systematic approach, we'll maximise our efficiency.
I rented Red Dawn.
Wolverines! Dr Kelso, this is Matthew Rice.
He's the proxy for his uncle's living will.
What a happy coincidence you showing up out of the clear blue sky.
- Oh, God.
- You're OK.
So, exactly how much is my uncle leaving me? Can I ask that? This isn't about his assets.
This is about executing his last living requests.
So no money at all? Not a dime, kiddo.
I can't tell you how glad we are to put all this tomfoolery to rest.
Once and for all.
Cup of coffee, sport? What happened? I blacked out.
When you rolled out of bed this morning, did you say to yourself "Hey! I think today would be a terrific day to commit hari-kari"? That's what you're doing.
You don't deal with problems the way emotionally healthy people do.
Well, hold on a second there, Rainbow.
This just off the news wire: You're not licensed to comment on how people deal with their emotions.
- I beg to differ.
- Well, at least I let mine go.
You? If you ever were able to actually release all the tensions that are bottled up inside of you what would that look like? How would that go? How you like me now, bitch? Maybe I just don't have anything bottled up.
What happened to that teacher you were prattling on about? - Passed away.
- Croaksville.
That's what I thought.
What did you do when you found out that he'd died? - I made a joke.
- I sure hope it was a good one.
Here's the inside scoop.
Life's hard enough and there's no way you can survive in a dump like this unless you find a way to get your emotions out.
Fact.
Well, I let my emotions out! I'll show you some of this! Franklyn, I am so sorry.
Wanna wear my stethoscope? The cool thing about this movie is that this could really happen.
The Russians invading, or C Thomas Howell being a tough guy? Both.
Wolverines.
Why is she always here? We're working on my study.
Every time I come here I'm gonna see him.
Just get someone else to do this project with you.
Maybe the reason why I asked you to work with me is because it would force you to see each other.
I don't want to get back together with him.
I'm not saying that.
You made a terrible couple.
It's just that I like you.
You know? I think you're a cool person.
It doesn't matter about me and JD.
- You and I can still hang out.
- No.
It can't be that way, and you know it.
Cos that's my best friend.
So, either you can try and fix it, or - This sucks.
- Yeah.
And baby we'll be At the drive-in In the old man's Ford Behind the bushes Till I'm screaming for more Down the basement Lock the cellar door And baby Talk dirty to Me - I love you.
- What? Know that we'll be At the drive-in What are you doing? This is a recommendation letter from a high school teacher of mine.
He's actually the reason I got into medicine.
And he died last week.
I'm so sorry, JD.
I really am.
Do you wanna be alone? No.
You wanna cry a little? No.
Wanna go throw stuff off the roof like Letterman used to do? You see, it's the pudding that splatters the best because it's the pudding, and therefore I say let the pudding pop fall! - Who is that? Arsenio? - No.
Everyone has their own way of releasing the stuff that gets bottled up inside them.
It just took a good friend to help me find mine.
Dr Dorian, we're ready for the finale.
Thank you, Dr Reid.
OK, guys.
One, two, three.
It felt really good.
Player.
The horror.