Scrubs s02e16 Episode Script

My Karma

I still can't believe you guys are getting married.
I know.
All my girlfriends think I'm crazy.
About you because you're so damn cute.
Good save.
- Thanks for coming out tonight.
- This is the only way to celebrate, with close friends and Nurse Roberts.
Hey, don't get all pissy now.
You said, "My treat, order whatever you want.
" You didn't say, "Except the lobster.
" I said no shellfish.
I wasn't really mad.
This was great, except for one thing.
- Can't celebrate without beer.
- Absolutely.
Sure, Paul was dating Elliot, but luckily I'm not the jealous type.
Well, I'll go ahead and make a little toast here.
A toast that only people that have known Turk and Carla more than a week will understand.
You guys rock.
You do.
How's that taste, blondie? You know, I've just gotten to know you as a couple, but you remind me of my grandparents.
They were married for 65 years, Every night, before Grandpa and Grandma walked around the block, he would look deep into her eyes as if to say, "I'd follow you anywhere.
" Anyway, the way you two just looked at each other, I could've sworn I was looking at them.
Lame! This guy.
Morning, Dr Kelso.
How is it this hospital gets up in arms if our MRI machine misses a tumour, but every morning our coffee machine spits out warm urine - and nobody gives two hoots? - We missed a tumour? Who cares? Point is I have to go across the street to get coffee.
Piping hot coffee that puts a hop in your step and your ass in the john.
I just wish I really knew why it hurt so much right here.
Mr Simms, it could be because it's damp out.
It could also be because four days ago I sliced your chest open with a knife.
You had surgery, buddy, you'll be fine.
Dr Dorian, I have a couple of minutes off.
Would you like me to show you that technique I told you about? See, now what you wanna do is choke up on the club, like this.
And then hit this bad boy like a baseball.
You can't teach that.
No, you cannot, my friend, no, you cannot.
So what was up with Mr Simms back there? During his open-lung biopsy, I accidentally nicked his intercostal artery, now he's got a haematoma.
- Are you gonna tell him? - What, and risk a lawsuit? Besides, it'll heal just fine, anyway.
Hey, throw me another ball.
- Do you believe in bad karma? - No.
Hot cup of lava coming through.
I don't know, me, I think karma keeps the universe in order.
If you're not getting the length on the drive you need a lot of the better pros take a running start.
Righty-o! In medicine, you get used to seeing a lot of horrible things.
Morning, sport.
My God, do not say splotchy.
- Good splotchy, Dr Splotchy.
- Oh, it's barely noticeable.
- Oh, dark roast.
- Dammit.
There she is.
Are you ready to be born today? Get away from my stomach or I'll put you in a leg lock and snap your bird neck with my enormous thighs.
- Enjoy your special day.
- Thanks.
Now, in honour of this little goblin's arrival, I have gone ahead and taken care of everything.
Dr Gerson will be waiting to induce you.
She will also administer the world's largest epidural.
I have awfully under-qualified residents covering all of my patients so that I can be with you every step of the way and here's the kicker.
I have traded every single one of my weekends, I have called in every favour, and kissed every pompous, wrinkled ass in this fluorescent hellhole so that I could secure for you, the one-and-only, mack-daddy, out-of-your-mind birthing suite in this entire hospital.
Nice job, Alice.
- Hey, Paul.
- What are you doing down here? I just need a nurse to help me out.
This nametag says "Paul Flowers, Nurse", not "Paul Flowers, Boyfriend".
Now, what do you need? Mr Mahoney threw up on himself.
He needs a bath.
Hey, Deena, my girlfriend's got a job for you.
- Right - Paul, I just want you to know.
I am having such a good time with you.
Me, too.
Sorry I didn't call last night.
I just crashed.
No big deal.
You don't let little things bother you.
Like now, you've got pit stains and you're like, whatever, I'm working hard.
What can I say? I'm an easy-going gal.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! I need deodorant and a dry top over here! Doctors love to use humour.
Well, Mr Foster, your blood tests are back, and the good news is you're not pregnant.
Cos your I said, "not pregnant.
" Is this thing on? And hey, what is the deal with Q-tips? They're not Qs and they're not tips.
But unfortunately, the CAT scan suggests a laceration in your spleen, which is why I asked for a surgical consult.
So how'd this happen anyway? A golf ball hit my windshield and I drove into a tree.
OK, here's the deal.
You are in fact supposed to be up in the mack-daddy suite, but the woman who's in there is in her 40th hour of labour.
Did you explain to her that it is my room? I started to, then she screamed, grunted, pooped on the table.
God, it cracks me up that they never tell pregnant women to expect that one.
I'm going to poo in front of people? No.
- We are so done talking.
- Don't tease me.
- Where's Dr Gerson? - With that woman.
Who the hell will take care of me? - She's sending her resident.
- Hey, happy couple.
Hi, I'm Donna Berlutti, but you can call me Dr Donna! - Carla, you know how I'm really crazy? - Sure, what's up? It's so hard to hide the crazy from Paul.
I hear you, girl.
Turk and I are engaged, and only last week I admitted the reason I don't touch the seat in the bathroom isn't germs but because I'm afraid of toilet snakes.
And now so am I.
With men, you just have to hold out until they're invested enough they won't run away at the first thing.
I know, and with Paul, I feel like we're getting pretty close now.
- So, you guys have - Not yet.
- But tonight's our fourth date.
- Four dates? One date longer than the sluts, one date shorter than prudes.
I am Four-Date Reid.
Yeah, but what about that surgeon the other? I'm Four-Date Reid! Hey, cutie.
Hey! You ready for our third date? Fourth.
You forgot the time we ran into each other at the coffee machine.
You shut up.
Why am I playing golf? This is all Tiger Woods' fault.
This guy'll sue the hospital, we'll get fired, we'll have to become male whores.
Successful whores.
A nicer apartment and some bling-bling, - but male whores nonetheless.
- Relax.
Nobody knows about this but us.
- We'll be fine.
- Hey, hey, hey, guys.
Check out the personalised golf club cosy I found on the roof.
Hi, Davy.
You and your stupid Christmas present.
One of the balls you hit went through the windshield of my van.
No big deal.
I just expect you to replace it.
Your windshield's been broken for a year.
Yeah, I know.
Still Oh, no! Looks like we're in a pickle.
Pick, pick, pickle.
Here's the keys.
Have it back by tomorrow.
- Who are you? - Dr Turk.
I don't care.
I'm not gonna lie to you there, Bob.
I have not been having the greatest day.
I just drew in this eyebrow five minutes ago, so cry me a river.
Anyway, Jordan and I got stuck in this crappy room and I was wondering if whew! If you want a favour, don't beat around the bush, just curtsey.
I beg your pardon, there, Backdraft? You heard what I said.
Well? Always remember how I made you do that.
Hey, fellas! Always nice to have visitors.
So, what's the dealio? Ted, how bad would it really be if two doctors were hitting golf balls off the roof and they caused a car accident and the driver needed surgery? Ted? Hey, fellas.
Always nice to have visitors.
- So what's the dealio? - No dealio, Ted.
We just stopped by to say hi.
See you later, buddy.
- Later.
- Hmm! - We knew what we had to do.
- Let's come clean.
Let's not tell anyone ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
- Ever? - Ever.
I guess it's hard to predict how a person will react.
So, you wanna come in? Nah, it's OK.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Well, Jordan, why don't we just think of today as a test run? Other times, people react exactly how you think they will.
The only way I could've felt more taken care of is if I were at a four-star resort, or a spa, or a Third World country where you boil your own sewage if you want something to drink.
Oh, and by the way, giant, giant feather in your cap for how much power you wield here after 15 years! Come on, come on, Jordan.
I am so sorry everything fell apart today, honest to God I am.
I guarantee when you get here tomorrow, Dr Gerson will, in fact, be in the super-deluxe birthing suite.
So that you can go ahead and have that storybook, drug-addled, Pitocin-induced pregnancy you've dreamed of since you were a small girl.
But in the meantime, you gotta cut me a little slack.
I mean, come on, it's not like I see the real father - running around here busting his hump.
- Oh, that's nice.
I'm going home.
- No, no, you're not.
- Bye-bye.
Jordan, your water just broke.
This kid's annoying me already.
I think having babies is so much fun.
- I will choke her.
- Dr Berlutti, no more talking.
Oh, you know, I really prefer Dr Donna.
No means no, Pep Squad, now beat it.
And Jordan I am not gonna leave your side until that baby is delivered.
- Get the hell out of here.
- What? I'm serious.
Why don't you do us both a favour and get out? Fine.
It's important to stay positive.
Get me an epidural before I rip your teeth out! Okey-dokey.
- Hey, Girl's Name.
- What? Give me a break.
I got a lot on my mind, Ellen.
Look at that, I bounced back.
Anyway, the cave bat just kicked me out of its lair.
Seeing as I no longer have my all-access pass to Crazy Town, I need you to occasionally go in and poke her with a broomstick, just to see how she's doing.
- Dr Cox.
- Please, just check on her, OK? What if she has the baby while I'm in there? - Here it comes! - What the hell is that? Get it off! Get it off! Somebody get it off! I'll check on her later.
- Elliot, wait up.
- Hey.
I wanted to explain about last night.
We had a great time and I know you wanted me to come in to Oh, no, no, no, I invited you in to see my fish tank.
Is that what you ladies are calling it nowadays? - Careful, Todd.
- Sorry, Nurse Flowers, sir.
Elliot, I think you're an amazing girl, I really do.
But something just didn't feel right about last night.
I've rushed things with people in the past, and I don't wanna do that with you.
In the past? Does he have an ex-girlfriend? Is that her? Slut! I feel the same way.
- Hey! - Oh, I am on to you.
I'm going this way.
So now, why'd you finally agree to marry Gandhi? Well, he's amazing in bed and he has an awesome CD collection.
What got you to the point where you weren't scared anymore? Please, I'm still terrified.
Good luck finding a pen cap at the nurses' station.
- Know why? - Why? - Ate 'em all.
- Sounds like good roughage.
What do you do when you get scared? Run away, get a divorce, drink alone.
You know, the classics.
The thing is that this time I am killing myself for this woman and I'm still getting my ass handed to me.
There is no Shangri-La, you know.
Every relationship is messed up.
What makes it perfect is if you still wanna be there when things really suck.
- You know, I'm not so sure.
- It'll come to you.
Right, gentlemen, either of you in the market for a van? $500.
- The windshield cost that much.
- Oh, 800.
- No, thanks.
- Come on.
There's still half a deer in the back.
I think that's a deer.
After being blackmailed, I decided to check in on Jordan.
You tell me, Donna.
Do I look like I need more drugs? Ow, my face! Then again, I have other problems.
I know some windshield hush money won't keep the karma gods from coming after Turk and me.
Q-tip, Dr Murphy called.
They need you to cover his call tonight.
Dude, Dr Wen's doing a stomach stapling and he wants you to be there to hold back the guy's fat flap.
Apparently, my face is scaring my patients, so you're gonna take them off my hands for about a week.
Turk, the Dairy Queen burned down.
- No.
- Now do you see? I can't take it.
I cannot hide the crazy a minute longer.
The worst part is, Paul is this perfect guy who wants to take things slow.
I'm this mountain of cuckoo about to erupt and spew molten crazy over him and he's gonna die like this.
Calm down.
Do what I used to do.
Find people who don't even know Paul, and just let it out in little bursts.
Good afternoon, ladies.
When I was a kid, I got a sunburn like that.
I just peeled all the skin off, put it in a pile and ate it.
Good Lord.
For us, it was time to face the karmic music.
- We hit your car with that golf ball.
- Well, technically, it was Dr Turk.
You liar.
OK, it was you! You know what, it really doesn't matter.
Why were you guys hitting golf balls way downtown? - Downtown? - I told you it wasn't us.
This is almost exactly like the kind of picnics I had with my mother.
You're so cute.
And now it's exactly like 'em.
You got something in your tooth.
I can't believe I have something on my teeth.
Get it off, get it off.
- Did I get it? - No, but don't worry about it.
So, anyway, I was thinking Elliot? Elliot, is everything all right? Everything's great, yeah! Come here.
What? It's just, well, this is what bothered me the other night.
I know there's something wrong but you won't talk about it.
I guess sometimes it feels like you're holding back.
Of course I'm holding back! I'm insane, you idiot.
Remember when you told me I had pit stains? I've cried every 15 minutes on the half-hour since you told me.
I am racked with self-doubt, I'm claustrophobic, germophobic, phobia-phobic.
I talk to myself, I talk to my cat, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that my cats respond to me in my mother's voice, and yesterday, when that stupid, pretty surgical nurse handed you latex gloves, I almost killed a guy I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about you having sex on a box of steaks.
Why a box of steaks? My dad had an affair with a female butcher.
And, as I mentioned before, I am insane.
There, I opened up.
Are you happy? No.
I'm incredibly turned on.
I've gotta, uh, get this right outta my teeth.
Excuse me.
- [crash] - Ow! I'm OK.
I still believe in karma, and if I wasn't being punished for Mr Golf Ball, I think I knew where my bad karma was coming from.
I don't know that many straight guys that wear cologne.
- I'm down to one spritz.
- Hmm? Look, Dr Cox asked me to check in on you.
I'm sorry I haven't been here until now.
- He asked you to check on me? - Yep.
- So, how're you doing? - Well, I've ruined everything.
All he tried to do was take care of me and show me he loved me.
But, no, I had to drive him away because I don't like being vulnerable even when I'm normal, let alone with my ankles in stirrups and my cootchie on display.
So, now he's gone away for good and I would like to get this stupid thing out of me so I can go home and kill myself.
Well, you sound good.
I was going to tell him the truth eventually.
I just wanted to see if he was going to be with me because he wanted to, not because he had to.
- Do you know what I mean? - What are you talking about? It's his baby, stupid.
Don't tell anyone.
All right, Kappa Gamma says it's time to get this thing underway, so I don't care if you want me here or not, I'm staying.
- Whatever, all right.
- Good.
What were you talking about? Apartheid.
- It's wrong.
- Oh Call me New Agey, but I think karma's a powerful force.
I honestly don't know what put the idea of golfing on the roof in my head.
Dude, it is so nice out here.
Do you mind if I take it down to the banana hammock? Because I honestly believe if you've got some bad karma coming your way, well Hi, Dr Kelso.
You can't hide from it.
Karma's really just doing the right thing.
So, anyway, Mr Simms, I wanted to explain to you why your chest was hurting.
During surgery, I Or about being who you really are.
Either way, it's a lot to think about.
Oh, my God, would you look at the mug on Jordan's baby? Must have one butt-ugly father.
Damn you, karma.