Scrubs s03e02 Episode Script

Hospitals are filled with people who came off 18-hour shifts.
When a patient dies, it's not uncommon to take them to the morgue, then grab a little shuteye in their bed.
Unfortunately, sometimes you're beaten to the punch.
I'm up.
You can hardly notice it.
It's actually kind of pretty.
- Jackass.
- Look who's here.
I'm never happy when a guy comes back into Elliot's life, but at least with Sean it's entertaining.
Thanks for the latte.
I should have warned you that they make the hottest coffee in town.
No sweat.
Lesson learned.
Is it me or do those two seem less awkward around each other? See you, Elliot.
See you.
I have some news.
We picked a date for the wedding.
Tell 'em, Turk.
April 24th.
No way.
Mine is April 25th.
2006.
The place I love in Connecticut books up early, so I took a shot.
One, two, three.
Crazy.
So you've never dreamt about your wedding day? Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife? - My name is Maureen McCormick.
- Marcia, please.
Father, continue.
No, I have not.
By the way, I know an amazing Journey cover band.
You should get 'em to play at your reception.
Not everyone loves Journey as much as you.
I don't love Journey.
I love 'em.
They're called the Loving-Touching-Squeezings.
They rock.
Book 'em now, thank me later.
After that, the day got worse.
Thanks for giving me a ride to see Sean.
I've never been to SeaWorld.
What does Sean do here? - Probably cleans up the seal poop.
- There he is.
Lame.
Who left this urine here? Someone's got a secret admirer.
Dr Kelso, someone left this urine specimen sitting around.
What's interesting is the name's been ripped off.
Sweetheart, I think you're confusing "interesting" with "boring.
" - I can't believe you set a date.
- It's happening.
Wedding talk? How lovely.
Listen, Hilton sisters, Mr Quinn in 206 still has a severely shattered clavicle and he needs a surgical consult.
Seeing as he's your patient and you're a surgeon, gosh, I was hoping that if you two hens have an extra moment between choosing centre pieces and deciding exactly how you're gonna attach that veil onto baldy's head, it would just be super-de-duper if you could peek in and give him the old lookie-Ioo, wouldn't it? Anyway, I'm really psyched for you guys.
It's gonna be harder for us to hang out.
You're gonna be married, man.
You're gonna have a house.
You're gonna spend weekends chasing around little Arturo and Rosalia.
- You mean Tamika and Fuqua? - You should talk to Carla.
This is the end of a major chapter in our lives.
Know what? I'm gonna take you out tonight.
We're gonna get some dinner, a nice bottle of wine.
Sounds like a man-date.
Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me? Up.
- Do you actually talk to each other? - He's just a dolphin.
Because, Bruce, then she would think I was crazy, that's why.
I am so glad that we're dating again.
We're not dating.
Why don't you wanna be dating? Well, all right.
Why is everything so much easier with dolphins? You're not trying to date a dolphin.
No.
Well, not after that big talk they gave us.
Last time we were together everything was going great and then out of nowhere you dumped me for your job.
I've never been so crushed in my entire life.
Really? That is not something that I'm happy about.
If I hadn't made medicine my priority, I wouldn't have lasted.
But now things are gonna be different because I'm different.
I'm New Elliot.
Do you think the New Elliot would like to go to dinner tonight? I don't know.
She's very busy.
Laverne, by this afternoon we're gonna find out whose urine this is.
Why don't you do that? I'm gonna get my tooth fixed so I can stop looking like Larry Holmes.
You're forcing me to say what I prayed I'd never have to say again to a woman.
Please, put down the cup of urine.
- $6.
50, please.
- $6.
50 for an egg-salad sandwich? $4.
50 for the salad.
$2 for the apple juice you put in the urine container.
- Who would do that? - Just the burger for me.
Before I examine your clavicle, let me ask you, is it out of line for me to take my best friend to dinner? - Well, I - This is like the end of an era.
We've always been known as Turk and J.
D.
In college, people were, "When are Turk and J.
D.
Getting here?" In med school everyone was like, "When are Turk and J.
D.
Getting here?" - We didn't have a car.
- We were together so much, an Indian girl slept with him cos she thought his name was Andjaydee.
It was a very good day for me.
See? This is the kind of stuff I'm gonna miss.
The reminiscing, the way your breath always smelled of curry.
All right, fine.
It's a man-date.
We're still on for surgery tomorrow, right? Right.
When you slice me up, make sure you don't mess up my tat.
- My fiancé, Tracy, would kill me.
- I had a tattoo once.
You got your face painted at the hospital picnic.
I was a cougar.
See you later.
Does this shade of red make me look like a clown? No, Barbie.
It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns.
I'm sorry, that was my mistake.
I keep forgetting you're a horrible person.
Backbone Barbie.
Excuse me.
You wouldn't be signing out Mr Hudson to the on-call resident? - Yeah.
Why? - He's your patient.
He needs a lumbar puncture and you can't count on the on-call resident to do that.
It's just that I've got a date with this guy named Sean.
Would you do me a favour and excuse me for one moment? I cannot miss this dinner.
Barbie, I actually see your point.
You should, in fact, go on your little date.
I have some busy work that's gonna take me in the vicinity of Mr Hudson's room.
I'll just pop my head in and tell him that he's going to die.
But if you have a moment between dinner and giving it away for free, if you could call Mr Hudson's wife and kids and tell them about, you know, the dying.
I know.
This would be just the most terrific place to work on the planet if it weren't for all these sick people, wouldn't it? I'm sorry.
I just thought that as a urine-lab technician you'd be at least half as interested in urine as I am.
It's not any of my business, but I think I know whose whiz that is.
I love you.
OK.
Go.
His name is Mr Freely.
- First name? - I.
P.
I.
P.
Freely? Funny in third grade, funny now.
Listen, Stretch, if you know who this belongs to, I'd fess up right now.
Or I'm gonna grab you by the back of that two-dollar haircut and force feed you this sample so you carry it around all day.
That way, if I want it back, I point you at a beaker and squeeze really hard.
You got any more funny jokes you gotta tell me? No, ma'am.
In a hospital, every day is made up of little battles.
Can I have everyone's attention, please? I officially don't care anymore who peed in this jar.
Sometimes you fight them not because you want to but because you have to.
Shut up.
Other times you fight for what you want.
Sean, I can't make it to dinner.
But what you want isn't willing to wait.
Sure, Elliot.
If you're lucky, there's no battle, everything works out perfectly.
Yo.
For a second I thought you weren't coming, dude.
Hey.
It's Turk Andjaydee.
And J.
D.
- I'm so psyched we're doing this.
- So am I.
Todd, over here, buddy.
Excuse me for a second, fellas.
I'm gonna go tell that girl my name's Beer.
Then I'm gonna offer her some beer nuts.
What's up? Mental five.
- You invited the Todd? - Dude, we left at the same time.
I didn't know what to say to him.
I thought we were gonna reminisce, get a little deep.
Me too.
I'm totally bummed out, all right? That was the hottest slap I've ever gotten.
I can't believe I wasn't gonna come out.
Thanks for twisting my arm.
I'm outta here.
Come on, man.
Fine, man.
I can have plenty of deep moments with the Todd.
Hey, do you think gay dudes get turned on by their own wieners? Oh, my God.
I wanted to let Turk know how I felt about how he behaved, so I decided to throw him Mr Quinn's chart with a little extra mustard sauce.
Morning, buddy.
I apologise for that.
To you, not you.
I thought we were friends.
Again, not you and me.
Me and him.
Anyway, have a nice day.
You.
Not you.
Nor you.
This whole you leaving the room whenever I enter it thing that you're doing is I love it.
Since I got engaged, he's crazier than my fiancée.
Although Carla is going a little nuts about the dress.
- Dude, what's up with Tracy? - Dude, Tracy's a guy.
- That would make you gay.
- I am gay.
Neat.
Never underestimate just exactly how uncomfortable this makes him.
- Hello? - Hey, Sean, it's Elliot.
I know that last night didn't go exactly as we planned it, so I thought we could reschedule.
Look, I think this whole thing may be a bad idea.
Just give me another chance? I kind of already have plans tonight.
This girl Betty from work.
- Sean - I'll see you.
I did what I had to do and I don't need you judging me right now, Betty.
What do you know? I'm telling you, it was a clipboard.
It came right out of the sky.
I'm sure it did, sir.
Wendy, would you watch the phones while I go back to the urology lab? - Sure.
- Thanks.
Nurse Espinosa, I requested that you transfer Mrs Merchant to the Morning Side Nursing Home.
I'd take her myself, but I'd run the risk of bumping into my mother.
The last thing I need is another conversation about why she shouldn't have to spend her golden years in a bunk bed.
Now, either do the job we pay you for or I'll find someone else who will.
Have a great day.
Oh, my God.
The janitor's afraid of Carla.
How could I use this to my advantage? Listen, I want you to lay off J.
D.
Stop accusing him of things he didn't do.
And bring him a fruit smoothie every day.
I have to learn Spanish.
What's up? I found out my favourite chips cause anal leakage and - I'm not talking to you.
- How did you get him to stop talking? I don't get it.
You made me feel like an idiot.
I always make him feel like an idiot.
- Why the big deal? - You never tell me how you feel.
Damn it all.
I never tell you how I feel.
- I'm not talking to you.
- Finally.
Thank you.
Ever since I met you, it's been like this one-way street.
I tell you everything and you tell me nothing.
- What are you afraid of? - Hey, guys.
This is my fiancé, Tracy.
This is Dr Turk and Dr Dorian.
Honest to God, I love this place.
So, thanks to you, Sean blew me off, but I'm OK.
New Elliot's just gonna get him back because New Elliot is a fixer.
Like if that guy's spleen ruptured, I would just go over and fix him.
- My spleen is going to rupture? - Relax.
You're fine.
I'm just going to show Sean that he will always come first.
I hate to interrupt this one-gal pep rally, Barbie, but I give this guy two weeks, three if you are just terrific in the sack.
Well, then, it's three.
I mean, you're wrong.
I just got off the phone with Jordan who told me that my son rolled over for the first time.
Oh, my God.
That's so great.
Big "who cares?" Not about Jack rolling over for the first time, but about your reaction to my son rolling over for the first time.
Point being that I missed it because I was here.
You might wanna write this down, because here comes the inside scoop: The hospital comes first.
- Always.
- Always? Forever and ever.
And ever and ever and ever You getting this? So I'll pick you up tomorrow.
And ever and ever You're not that comfortable with the man-on-man action, are you? So I'm a little homophobic.
We all got our stuff, right? I bet deep down inside you're a little racist.
- Marrying a black guy.
- How pissed are your parents, honestly? So what makes you so uncomfortable? Is it the sex? I don't love the idea of kissing anyone with a moustache.
That's why I pretend to have a cold when Carla's aunt comes to town.
What really freaks me out, though, is the thought of being that open with another guy, any guy.
I don't know what it is.
That's just the way I've been my whole life.
Maybe it's because I'm scared, you know? Dude, that's a little gay.
What? I feel bad about what happened before, so I went and searched through, like, 40 bags of garbage and I found the torn-off urine label.
- Also found half a tooth.
- Over here, jumpsuit.
Mr Thomas Burke.
Let's get you to the lab.
Hey, studly, when you were out rooting through the dumpster, you didn't stumble across your own testicles, did you? You know that long line of trembling peons that are so afraid of you? - I'm not in that line.
- You're not? No.
I'm not in anybody's line.
- This is a Chiclet.
- I gotta go.
I'm happy when someone wins a battle, because around here you get your fair share of disappointment.
You have to fight for things that really matter.
Like pride in your work.
Or your friendship.
I'm starting to like Journey.
You're gonna be very pleased with the next 23 songs.
The fact that you're even here is enough.
We don't have to get all deep.
I wanna try this, man.
OK.
Ever since Carla and I set the date for our wedding, I started thinking.
You know those lame-ass couples that get engaged but they never actually get married, they just cruise along year after year without making any real commitment? Dude, I wanted to be one of those couples, man.
Pookie, can we get two apple-tinis? Sometimes all you can do is grit your teeth and tell the truth.
I was planning on telling you that you'll always come first, but the truth is that's not a promise that I can keep.
But I can guarantee you that when it's my decision, I'll always choose you.
But if that's not enough, I understand.