Scrubs s03e04 Episode Script

There's a certain time every morning, after the bedpans have been emptied, that a calm washes over the place and you can't help but feel peaceful.
Holy Vishnu.
We've been working together a while.
Could you not whistle at me? You're right, we have been working together for a while.
I wouldn't know how long unless I consulted my Friends for Life calendar that I keep in my hope chest.
I make Dr Cox's rants work for me.
I catch up on paperwork, I look after patients.
- Can you check on Mrs Ship? - You got it, Bambi.
I take care of official things that have to get done.
- You're a jerk.
- You're a jerk.
Long story short there, Molly, I will always whistle at you like you're a blond with big bombs and I'm a construction worker out of prison.
- Is that clear? - Crystal.
I'm applying for a fellowship.
I could really use a letter of recommendation.
Instead of using a girl's name, could you refer to me as Dr Dorian? It sounds more professional.
Frankly, each time you call me a girl's name, I die a little inside.
Look, Janis, Denise, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen.
Let me share something with you that I like to call Perry's Perspective.
One, if someone in front of me at the coffee shop can't decide what they want in half an hour, I should be allowed to kill them.
Two, I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the Internet, there'd only be one website left called Bring Back The Porn.
Three, and most importantly, the only way to be respected as a doctor, nay, respected as a man, is to be an island.
You are born alone, you damn sure die alone.
Isn't that right, Spike? The point is, and you might wanna jot this down, only the weak need help.
I should get that tattooed on my neck.
Good afternoon, Sacred Heart.
Your chief of medicine just said good afternoon, people.
Good afternoon.
Dr Jeffrey Steadman, world-class suck-up, especially since the residency director position opened up.
- Dr Cox, you know Dr Steadman.
- You're a doctor? All this time I thought that you were some kind of parasitic creature who lived shoulder-deep inside Big Bob's colon.
- If only, sir.
- Well, I'm off to fluid rounds.
To fluid rounds.
In the new dolphin show, Sean does this impression of a blowfish that will totally crack you guys up.
Show them.
What the hell? That's not funny.
All he did was this.
You're not doing it right.
It's never fun being the fifth wheel, especially when one of those wheels is Elliot's boyfriend.
I had decided to take the high road.
Is this regular? I asked you to order me a diet.
That is diet.
I don't understand.
I'm so careful about what I eat.
I keep putting on weight.
It's all the regular soda, Sean.
Enjoy.
All right, that's enough.
I'm leaving the day after tomorrow to study the fishing industry's impact on Maui dolphins.
They're endangered and could actually be wiped off the face of the earth.
Fascinating stuff, Sean.
I used to date that girl.
Hello, boys.
Hi, I'm Elliot.
So, you guys used to date? - Nice to see you, Sean.
- You too, Mary An ge Elizabeth.
Goodbye, boys.
It's always awkward when you run into an ex.
- Don't know how JD and Elliot do it.
- Do what? I've gotta stop this.
Kick him.
You OK, baby? How they have sex every year and still manage to stay friends.
We actually hadn't had a chance to talk about that yet.
But thank you.
We want to do stuff to you.
Crap, the Janitor.
And he's with Sloppy Joe Guy.
Distract them before they do what they planned.
- We were thinking - I've got a riddle for you.
- This isn't how you said it would go.
- Troy.
We're listening.
Two coins add up to 30 cents and one of them is not a nickel.
- So what are they? - It's a riddle.
You figure it out.
Troy, get your hat.
We're going to the bank.
Post-op diagnosis: Acute cholecystitis.
Estimated blood loss: 150cc and Patient transferred to recovery room awake and stable.
Hey, baby.
- Notice anything different? - Your tongue went counterclockwise? Green scrubs.
I'm covering for one of the surgical nurses.
We could use the extra cash, plus we get to work side by side for two days.
- Isn't that great? - So great.
JD and I slept together.
It's not that big a deal.
Betty from work, how would you feel if I told you we slept together? I'd be disturbed, because Betty is a harp seal.
But a harp seal who's smart, funny, and totally gets me.
Is anyone in more hell than me right now? Dude, we're going to the caff so I can tell all the boys about my date with Strangely Attractive Intern.
You in? I think Turk is a little more mature than that.
She's right.
But, honey, what I think you're missing here is that not only is she attractive, but she's strangely attractive.
Guys, I can't go.
"I'll miss you" high-five.
Isn't that a coincidence? Thank you for coming by.
I'm sure we're gonna be in touch with you real soon.
Our nanny just walked out the door.
She has great credentials.
She's got great, huge, perky credentials.
She's out.
Besides, she's too expensive.
About that, I've been thinking about going after that residency director job.
Residency director? But if you did that, you'd be taking a positive step in your life.
- I know.
- Quick, first place we made love? Give me a break.
We've never "made love".
It is you.
I'm so proud I could poo.
Seriously, it's great.
And it's a board decision, so I can help you out.
- No.
- Yes.
I'm serious.
I don't believe in it.
I'd make you swear on a Bible, but holy stuff makes your skin sizzle.
- So just promise me.
- Fine.
No help.
Great.
- Holy cow.
- You're hired.
I cannot believe you're still angry.
I'm not angry.
Die.
Rot in hell.
- I got it.
- Yes, JD and I work together.
But it's not like we're crazy close.
It's not like we have inside jokes.
We definitely don't do this.
Good evening, Elliot.
This is your Great Aunt Sally.
- Are you there? - I have to get that.
Guess you're at Sean's.
Good thing we're so close or I couldn't impersonate your Aunt Sally.
By the way, I ran into Eye Patch this morning.
Said to tell you "honka honka.
" It's just an inside joke.
Doctors.
Come on.
Two coins.
Come on.
You can do this.
You went to Harvard, for God's sake.
Relax.
I figured it out.
You gave me a penny and what appears to be a button on which you've written "29 cents".
- Can't we just kill him? - No.
That's what he wants us to do.
Just a real nice helmet there, princess.
Actually, it's not a helmet.
It's a hair-met.
It has extra room so you don't mess up your hairdo.
Fair enough.
I'm gonna write you a prescription for two testicles.
Get this filled out whenever you want.
But right now I'm going after that residency-director gig and you're joining me for a board-member meet-and-greet.
Will you write my recommendation? Goodbye.
Give me a break, I'll write what you want.
We gotta go.
Fine.
Let me just fix my hair.
Wait.
- I don't have to.
- Good God.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel what? Scalpel, please.
Here you go, baby.
Sorry.
Dr Baby.
Shall we proceed, Dr Baby? You know, papi, this guy looks a lot like your waxer.
- The Todd says, what now? - Nothing.
She meant her waxer cos We're working, guys.
- No, I wanna hear this.
- It's no big deal.
I make Turk wax his chest so he doesn't give me a rash.
Does she also make you wax your vagina? Sterile high-five.
Are you even gonna talk to me? I'm sorry.
I didn't tell you I slept with JD.
That was a mistake.
We do talk all the time and have inside jokes.
He met my Great Aunt Sally and my demented great uncle, who wears an eye patch and goes "honka honka" when he poops.
And now you hate me.
I don't hate you.
I'm not even that mad at you.
- You're not? - No.
How do I explain this? You know when you have bad news to give to someone, you try to make them look bad by blowing a small thing out of proportion? Totally.
I'm so glad it has nothing to do with us.
The trip that I'm leaving on tomorrow, it's a lot longer than I let on.
What, like three days? - No.
- Four days? - Six months.
- Five days? - Love your hair-met.
- Love yours.
It was amazing to see how much Dr Cox actually wanted this job, and how much he was willing to put up with to get it.
The wife and I ended up buying Egyptian Cotton bed sheets.
What's the thread count on those bad boys? I guess it was just amazing to see how much he cared.
- Gotta go.
- Well, well, well.
Snip my pickle and call me Shlomo.
You're not actually applying for residency director? I like to think I've accomplished plenty of things more difficult than this.
Just yesterday morning, I somehow managed to hack into your voicemail and change the outgoing message to "Hi, this is Big Bob.
" "I'm not in right now, but at the beep leave your name and your penis size.
" Perry, have you ever wondered why you've never risen above clinical staff at this hospital? Come on, pal.
Who do you think the board listens to concerning promotions around here? Why don't I tell you after the beep? - Beep.
- Bob Kelso.
Ten inches.
It's like a baguette.
I can't tell you how awesome it was today watching you work.
I know, right? But Schmitty heard Nurse Green's been dying to cover surgery.
I said you wouldn't mind if she took your place.
Schmitty's been trying to hit that for like a minute.
I had to hook him up.
You understand, right? Sure.
I'm glad we could help Schmitty hit that.
Relationships can be tricky, especially the ones that have barely begun.
I'm crazy about you, but I've been going over this in my head all week.
I've been in a long-distance relationship before.
It was a disaster.
I believe a couple has a better chance if they just cut the cord and know that if it's meant to be, fate will bring them back together.
You know? Totally.
Elliot's in a relationship, so I can't stop thinking about her.
I just have to accept it and move on.
- I guess this is goodbye.
- Good what? Look, this doesn't have to be some huge sad thing.
It's OK.
They didn't see you.
What the? I know.
It's just hard.
Bees.
I'm gonna scrub my hands and do the scrub-my-hands dance.
Christopher.
I know it's a complicated procedure, but this afternoon I want you to assist me on a gastric bypass.
A gastric bypass? - I'm going to the show? - You've earned it.
You really turned it up a notch in surgery yesterday.
I don't know if you had a lucky charm, but something was different.
Hey, baby.
What's up? You know, I've been thinking.
That was a lot of fun working together.
How long you been thinking that? Ever since Dr Wen offered me a gastric bypass because I was so amazing yesterday, and I realised you're the reason why.
Really? In high school, this girlfriend annoyed the crap out of me, but when she came to a basketball game, I played like crazy, out of my mind, because all of a sudden I was playing for her.
I wanted to make her proud.
You understand? I'm so annoying, you can't stand working with me for even two days.
Now you have something to gain, you want me.
- Exactly.
Thank you.
- I didn't hear an apology in there.
All I heard was nonsense.
You never asked how I felt about us working together.
Plus, you embarrassed me in front of my co-workers.
- You were a pain.
- You know what? Maybe I was a pain.
Do you know how many times you're a pain and I just let it go? Like when you follow me from room to room, - even when I go to the bathroom.
- I like to be with you.
Pain.
Or how you've decided that me making eye contact with you is my way of saying, "Please grab my breasts.
" Don't.
Or your Aaron Neville impression - I don't do an Aaron Neville.
- Laverne.
The biggest pain is that you know I'd go into that operating room with you if you just apologised, but you're too stubborn.
I am now.
Tell me this there, Pippi.
- Are you allergic to bee stings? - I don't know.
Why? It's just that it looks so painful and possibly infected, I must flick it.
This only happened because my hair-met got stolen at your stupid suck-up fest.
Now, I took the liberty of writing the recommendation you promised me.
You sign below where it says, "He makes me proud to be a doctor" and above where it says "He ain't too hard on the eyes either.
" This must be a very proud day for you.
You can't make me feel guilty for asking for help.
That's just the way the world works.
Most people actually like helping out the people around them.
Carla would do anything to help out Turk, no matter what the situation.
He didn't apologise, so back the hell off.
He messes up and I'm the one Still, you don't think asking for help makes you look weak.
You're afraid of putting yourself out there.
That's why you're never gonna get anywhere.
Thank you for this.
In hospitals, even though you're surrounded by hundreds of people, it's still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts.
Have you been drinking? Here I am, trying not to let fear rule my life anymore.
Sean moves away and I don't even have the guts to tell him how I feel.
Life's too short not to go for it with Elliot.
Sean's out of the picture.
Stop being such a chicken.
I know it's a complicated procedure, but I can do it without Carla.
What am I so scared of? That I might get this job and have no one to blame it on if I fail? Good Lord, I'm pathetic.
When was the last time he ever apologised? I wanna help him, but in a lot of ways I guess I'm as stubborn as he is.
I wish I could make sense out of this.
30 cents, to be exact.
Damn riddle.
Easy, Janitor.
You'll get this.
- Sorry.
- No problem, little lady.
I've never left a soul behind.
Got your ticket? No.
I just need to talk to my You hate long-distance relationships, but six months is nothing.
It'll be hard and we'll go a long time without sex, but I can go that long.
I am a sex camel.
Look, the point is, I'm not ready for this relationship to end.
Even if you break my heart right now, it's OK.
I'd regret it more if I didn't take this shot.
So what do you say? - We solved your dumb game.
- We been to the libary.
Brary.
Troy, library.
Anyway, what two coins, when you put 'em together, make 30 cents, and one of them isn't a nickel? A penny and 1972 dime with a Roosevelt imperfection, today worth exactly 29 cents.
No.
The correct answer is a quarter and a nickel.
No, because you said one of them isn't a nickel.
Right.
The other one is.
- You lied to me.
- No.
It's a riddle.
Your face is red like a strawbrary.
Pride's a funny thing.
Don't have kids.
So, shall we all just agree that Dr Steadman is our new residency director and get outta here? If anyone wants to stop by my condo to celebrate, my husband made sangria.
Howdy, fellas.
Don't you dare get up.
I don't wanna see any broken hips.
A lot of times, pride can be pretty hard to swallow.
Would you please help me? So, I think we should make Perry residency director.
You honestly think the board would pick him because you had his love baby? I don't know.
Of course, if they don't, I'm gonna bitch and moan about it until these nice gentlemen are dead.
- All those in favour of Dr Cox? - Aye.
So, I guess this pretty much makes me your bitch now.
Perry, you always were.
Still, in a good relationship, pride never gets in the way.
Christopher, are you OK? You look a little nervous.
He'll be fine.
- Look, I - You can tell me later.
Let's do this.
Scalpel.
Scalpel, what? Even if I wanted to put my pride on the line and tell Elliot how I feel, I can't, I have to work tonight.
Seeing as you are partially responsible for me being the new residency director, I'm gonna give you the rest of the night off.
I don't know.
It's just kind of my own personal way of saying I can't actually stand the sight of you.
I still don't think I should go see her.
Doctors Leeve and Winnerback, please report to the ER.
Leeve and Winnerback.
Here, buddy.
Baby wasn't mine.
- What the hell? - It's a riddle.
Two guys destroyed your bike with a crowbar and a bat.
One of 'em wasn't me.
There's something I have to tell you.
Hey, buddy.
Sean's taking a later flight.
We decided to make this long-distance thing work.
I'm so happy I can't stop crying.
Those are nice.
These? I thought Elliot would be sad with you guys splitting up, so I just wanted to That's so sweet.
You can just put them next to Sean's.
I'm not sure where to - You OK? - Yeah.
I'm not sure they can reach the water, but