Scrubs s03e15 Episode Script

It's been two weeks since Ben died and even though he was Jordan's brother, Dr Cox was having a much harder time with it than she was.
Are you gonna lie around on the couch all day again today? - What am I supposed to do? - What about cleaning yourself? I would but I'm afraid to go in our bathroom.
Why? Jordan's friends came for the funeral.
Unfortunately for Dr Cox, hadn't left.
As Perry won't lift the seat on the loo, I've started to use his sink.
Aren't you dolled up for the movies? If she doesn't get "shagged" every two days, she gets the shakes.
It's true, look.
That could be cos you're sober for a change.
Maybe.
Are you still mad because we tried to fix Jordan up with someone yesterday? - Scary.
- Oh, God.
Dr Kelso was having female trouble of his own.
Dr Kelso, the sexual harassment here is out of control.
Somebody asked Laverne if her boobs were made for walking.
- It's rude and makes no sense.
- Paris and Nikki were not amused.
You named your breasts after the Hiltons? Other way around, sugar.
Ladies, this hospital's policy on sexual harassment is well established, plus I'll handle this.
What Garfunkel here is trying to say is that you should all think about what's really bothering you, and then have a big group un-bunching of your panties.
Every time Turk's in a hurry, I'm tempted to jump out and scare him.
Well, today's the day.
The reason he's in such a rush is because he's starting rotation with the hospital's new attending surgeon.
So, you guys my new residents? I could tell what the guys were thinking.
Oh, there's so much blood.
I hope it doesn't get on my dress.
I'm Dr Miller.
A few things.
Don't talk while I'm talking and I don't like the smell of cologne in the OR.
Now, I'd like to take a minute to listen to any questions any of you might have.
Then after this minute, I never wanna hear from any of you ever again.
Anyone? I'm allergic to shellfish.
Any other allergies? No? Great.
You, and uni-brow, go scrub up.
My waxer's in the Bahamas.
Get a new one.
Why don't you show the girls around while I'm in my board meeting? Love to.
Newbie, I've a job for you.
No pawning them off on Radar.
They want the big-boy tour.
I've shared a room with razor knees for two weeks.
Do you have a queen bed? It would be if I took my "quose" off it.
He's quick.
What's he like in the sack? Quicker.
- May I be excused? - You move, you die.
Be nice to my friends.
OK, here's the tour.
This is where the patients enter.
Upstairs is where they die.
In the basement is where we slide their dead bodies into the wall.
And that's the gift shop.
Where can one get a nice gin and tonic? Down the street, they make an appletini to knock your socks off.
Right! Let's go get drunk before Pilates.
Jordan seems to be doing pretty well.
You know Jordan, she's a rock.
How about you? How you holding up? I know it's been tough with Ben dying.
Are you gonna talk ever? Let me go ahead and tee this up for you, Anneka.
We are all going to die someday.
For the lucky few of us it'll be nice and fast.
But for most of us it will be as long and painful as a conversation with you.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hotdog, three o'clock.
I mean five o'clock.
Over there.
Todd, let's get off on the right foot.
Hey, it might just be because my expectations are low, but you guys did not suck in surgery yesterday.
As long as your expectations are low, maybe we should have sex.
Perfect.
I'm concerned.
I think you hold women responsible for the fact Mommy did not pay attention to you.
And if you don't get help, you'll start picking up prostitutes and killing them.
- I've always wanted to say that to him.
- Well, now you don't have to.
She just talked to me like I'm an idiot.
Hot chick, twelve o'clock.
- Wow.
- I know.
It's been brought to my attention there's been inappropriate behaviour.
I know.
I brought it to your attention.
It occurred to me that we can't allow this to continue.
It occurred to you because I researched case studies detailing the hospital's liability instead of going to single's night at the Korean church by my house.
Ted's sad life aside, you are going to run a sexual harassment seminar.
- No one's gonna show up for that.
- It isn't optional.
Anyone gets more than three complaints here in the box and they have to attend.
What? He's baiting me.
- Seriously, how are you? - Oh, my God.
Look, Abby, I didn't write you asking for help, so if you continue, you'll end up eating, breathing and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind, signed, "Dealing with it on his own in Kansas.
" I wrote Dear Abby once in seventh grade cos I didn't have body hair.
By the time her response came out it was like a forest down there.
Well, you know, nothing ventured Looking for streamers and a marching band because this will be the one-millionth time I've had to shake off something you've said.
Yes, Newbie, I'm having a tough day and I'd love to head home, but Jordan's Satanic brood has taken over my apartment and no man in his right mind would dare enter that place.
I should probably go to his place.
- Agility exercises? - I'm air-fondling Dr Miller's boobies.
Who's with me? No? Why don't you lay off her? And don't say "I'd like to lay on Dr Miller.
" High-five later for reading my mind.
You know, I don't think you're stupid, despite you washing your hands with your gloves already on.
- Dammit.
- But keep your mouth shut.
OK? It's hard for Dr Miller being a female surgeon here.
All right, all those who are assisting me today step forward.
Not so fast, beer bong.
You're out.
Hello? The door was open Oh God, I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I just came to tell you both that I think it would better for Dr Cox emotionally if you two would leave.
OK? - Thank you.
- Just a second, darling.
We will leave.
But before we go, Ali could really use a man's opinion.
Does this bra make my boobs look real? - Oh, yes.
- Damn.
Let's switch.
No, no switchies.
I think we should all be happy with the bras God gave us.
I really should go.
We were going to go to the gym, but I could just as easily throw up instead.
Or you could just give us a workout right here.
I could hang for a smidge.
Good, cos we've got something to tell you.
How dare you tell us to leave because you wanna kiss Perry's ass.
You know, ladies, I'm not usually into the rough stuff but You shall not feast on me! - I'm bored with this.
- So am I.
Todd, you have See? It's working.
- Good luck with the seminar.
- Dr Kelso? - You have five.
- I put those in to prove a point.
You'll notice the Kelsos are written with a lower case "k".
- No, they're not.
- It was worth a shot.
There must be some loophole for me.
Where's Ted? Great service by Reverend Kim today.
So, you ladies doing anything after? I'm not.
No music in my OR, Hammer.
First of all, Hammer dances like this.
Hammer time.
Second, I got your back, so cut me a little slack.
You have my back? Anybody gives you trouble, I'll handle him.
- Cos little old me can't? - I didn't mean it that way.
Worse than basic knuckle-dragging, scalpel jocks I usually work with is you.
You are the worst kind of sexist.
You're one of the sneaky ones who says all the right things, when what you really think is that I'm a little girl who needs protecting.
Now, I would appreciate it if you would apologise.
Sometimes it seems like men and women speak a different language.
OK.
You all know why you're here.
Player, check it.
Great stuff.
And when that happens, even the best of intentions can be misunderstood.
- What is he doing here? - He told us to leave town.
Oh, God.
And misunderstandings, they can lead to disaster.
Dr Turk, I asked you to apologise.
- I have nothing to apologise for.
- Then get out of my OR.
Are you gonna cry like a little boy? See how I flipped it? Dr Miller accused me of being sexist.
Me.
I'm marrying Carla.
Who do you think wears the pants? And the shirts and the shoes and sometimes my underwear? - Really? - I said nothing.
Mr Roberts likes to wear my brassieres.
If this woman doesn't like me, I won't become the youngest chief of surgery in history and cure paralysis, which will stop my birthday being a national holiday, and everyone knows I hate to work on my birthday.
May I ask you something, Judy? Do you have any idea what it's like to have three angry, underfed women tear you several new ones for a full hour? Yes.
I caught the matinee of that show.
Not for the whole family.
Then don't stick any part of your hairless body into my business.
Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it.
Even if you went on a cruise to the most remote regions of the ocean and rescued my drowning body in time to pump the seawater out of my lungs and bring me back from the brink of death, I would still be upset that the first face I saw was yours.
You wouldn't see it because it would be in your chest, giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for all your life.
You don't want my help, I'll back off, but only because I feel a bit guilty.
About what? You received four complaints about calling male residents by girls' names.
Give me that.
Judy You come here, Judy.
Well done there, Bob-O.
When my patients ask me where I was, I'll tell them I was too busy attending this chat fest with you and Dr "What's he overcompensating for?" here.
Did I say any of you boys could talk? No, I did not.
Now this part is especially important so I need everyone's full attention.
Come here, you rat bastard.
Awesome.
Dr Miller, hi.
You look very nice today.
Thanks.
My patient just died but if I look good I'm psyched.
No, you work in a tough specialty and you maintain your femininity and I find that very sexy.
Are you asking me out on a date? Please, we just met.
Not that it would make a difference if we hadn't Dr Turk is a good friend of mine and he's not a sexist and I know sexists.
When my dad's not asking the maid for neck rubs, he tells me to get in a closet if I'm emotional.
No one likes hysterical women.
- There's a closet.
- It's one of my favourites.
I've seen you with your "can do" attitude, and because you're a female doctor you think you're part of the solution.
But everything about you screams, "What does that cutie in radiology think about me?" Dr Turk may ask you where to get his girlfriend some naughty lingerie.
We both know women all crave leather push-up bras with leather tassels that go around and around but still I ask you, is that respect? Don't answer.
I don't care.
Move, Barbie! Yes, he fell.
I'm gonna get away.
You know who I haven't seen today? - You looking for that? - Like you read about.
Come here, you.
Spill.
Dr Cox had nothing to do with me going to see your scary friends.
- I love how adult our relationship is.
- Fine! You want some straight shooting? I'm glad you're coping with Ben's death so well.
I'm struggling.
Having those two harpies nesting in our home is not helping.
Jordan, I cannot figure out why they're still here.
It is beyond me.
You OK? Why don't you grow a pair, Sally? That's going in the box.
Girls' names are out.
Well? I hate to quote my mom, but Dr Miller is so uptight, she could use a pitcher of martinis and a smooth-chested pool boy.
- I knew you'd hate her.
- I love her.
Do you know what I would give to have a female attending like her pushing me not to let the fact that I'm a woman hold me back? - You have no idea how hard it is.
- I have no idea? I won't fight about whether it's harder being black or a woman.
- Black.
- Woman.
Much prop, Dr Rhodes.
Go get 'em! Turk, let me ask you one question.
Gun to your head.
Who do you think make better doctors? Men or women? No, Todd, the term "melons" is just as bad as "sweater meat".
- Then I am thoroughly confused.
- This is a total waste of a time.
Do you know why it's a waste of time? Take Bob-O here.
He's just a product of a different era.
Foxy, Enid.
Hot mama.
Those were the days.
And this one, I can't even imagine what that upbringing must have been like.
I'd like to take a swig out of her jugs.
I'm talking to you, numb-nuts.
Dad, I'm listening to Annie.
It is a hard knock life.
My point is that in this tight-assed PC culture it is damn hard to know what's kosher.
Then try stepping into our shoes.
Even the strongest women walk around with this thick coat of armour because God forbid we should show the slightest sign of weakness.
So squeeze those oversized feet into the shoes of someone you really care about and in a heartbeat you'll know the right thing to do.
At that moment, Dr Cox knew why Jordan's friends were still around.
Would you turn off the lights? The baby doesn't know I'm here.
Doesn't matter.
He likes the nanny better than me anyway.
Me, too.
Are your friends still here because I've been wallowing in self-pity and you need somebody to take care of you? I miss Ben.
Me, too.
God, me too.
You want me to help you move that table? Not that you can't move it.
What do you want? I was just thinking about what you were saying when I said that thing and Just say it.
I'm sorry.
Scrub up.
- So we're cool? - Ish.
But you're a decent surgeon and I'm not one to be petty.
- So why don't we put on a little music? - Yes.
Why don't we? There will always be a battle for power between the sexes.
Sometimes a man just has to give in.
- Gotta grab those.
- No.
Remember, we look, but we don't touch.
OK.
Other times it's enough just to take a positive step.
And once in a while, even if it seems cliché, a man just has to be there for her.
You know, honey, I'm here now if you want your friends to leave.
We're getting chemical peels tomorrow.
OK.