Scrubs s03e20 Episode Script

In some ways, Dr Cox and Dr Kelso are a lot like an old married couple.
I need your opinion about something.
Those pants make you look like you're holding water.
I'll tell you the same thing I told a comic I saw at a strip club in Reno.
- I'm not here for the jokes.
- Colour me intrigued.
I am considering offering full-body scans here at Sacred Heart.
Showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking invasive and pointless tests is an unholy sin.
Does sound a little sketchy ethically, doesn't it? Thanks, Perry.
Did that just happen? Anybody? I was stuck at a couples-only dinner party.
There was the soon-to-be-newlyweds.
There was the girl that I loved and the guy trying to eat her face.
And then there's Danni and me.
- You know what I was thinking? - Nobody cares, Danni.
This has been fun, but I have to drive Turk to the hospital.
I gotta look for an apartment.
He wouldn't take one cos the last tenant died there.
- Rats ate his tongue out.
- But the kitchen was so cute.
Please.
Turk, where you gonna live after you get married? - You mean where are you gonna live? - Baby, not now.
Don't know yet.
Guess it's just the two of us.
- You wanna have sex? - I guess.
- Do I have to look at you? - Please don't.
Shut up.
I can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion.
If I wanted to sit and listen to someone yammer on about their lives, I'd be at my AA meeting right now.
It just so happens it was the only empty seat in the whole joint, and as a fellow abusive drinker, you are honour-bound by bar-stool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth.
- Go.
- Kelso Kelso really listened to me about this whole full-body-scan thing.
I was thinking about getting one of those scans.
What did he say? Mommy, when's Daddy coming home? He isn't.
If only he'd loved us enough to get a full-body scan at Sacred Heart.
Holy cow.
Black Label.
Oh, my goodness, I totally kicked that hernia's ass.
Nicely done as usual, Dr Turk.
- Why is Hot Doc being so nice to you? - I don't know, but it's about time.
I haven't had to work this hard since Carla's mom.
- I thought Carla's mom hated you.
- She died, so I count that as a win.
I bought a killer dress for your wedding yesterday.
Speaking of which, it's two weeks away.
Has your bride-to-be started freaking out? Carla's not the freak-out type.
Turk didn't realise that everyone has their moments when emotions run high.
Danni.
Not here.
I'm gonna go put some clothes on.
After all, I am a lady.
By the way, I used your razor to shave my pits.
Keep it.
Danni did the weirdest thing.
- She called out her name during sex.
- Why are we whispering? - She hears like a bat.
- Bats hear well? - Yeah, they can't see.
- Sonar.
Wait, that's whales.
No, bats and whales.
Anyway, I have to break up with her.
Just let her down easy.
I'm not sure how to do this, but I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Cool.
I'm already kind of sleeping with this guy named Danny anyway.
I guess she wasn't calling out her own name after all.
I don't care.
I bet she calls my name when she sleeps with him.
- No, I don't.
- See? Like a bat, dude.
Check.
It actually wasn't that awkward breaking up with Danni.
It was odd that she stuck around for two hours to do her morning yoga.
Good morning, world.
- She seems almost peaceful.
- Later, butt-licks.
Maybe not.
Make sure you got all your things out of my room.
I brought all my stuff to Danny's house three days ago.
Crunchberry.
Wrong pipe.
Don't come chasing after me like you do with Elliot.
If there's one thing everyone knows about John Dorian is that he always wants what he can't have.
- That's not true, is it? - Hell, no.
By the way, this is the last bowl of cereal.
It's so hard to look for an apartment when I'm sharing my bed with a beautiful girl.
Really? What's his name? That made absolutely no sense, so just keep sipping.
I want you to meet this patient, Tommy.
He's only five but he's got the voice of a grown man.
What are you doing out of your room? I go where I want.
Awesome.
- Everything's wrong again.
- Baby, it's cool.
- We're meeting the cake guy tomorrow.
- Nothing's cool.
The centrepieces are Cupids but have no arrows, so they're just fat babies.
I have 187 people who RSVP'd "yes" for a 125-seat wedding.
I have to wear my grandmother's choker, but I look like an African tribeswoman with a coil around my neck.
First off, be nice to my cousin, Nfume.
Second, baby, if we have too many guests, you can un-invite some people.
- Really? - Really.
It'll be fine.
Close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.
See how good that feels? Take another one.
- Take another one.
- Are you watching my boobs? Deep breath.
Nice.
Thank you, Shirley.
I cannot believe you're gonna turn this hospital into some money-making machine that coerces people into spending their cash on procedures they don't even need.
Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.
If one single person gets a full-body scan, I will kiss your ring.
I'll take that bet.
You're our witness, Laverne.
- How very exciting for all of us.
- I'm not even sweating.
Honest to God, what kind of gullible chump would spend a thousand dollars on some silly scan if he's feeling fine? Hello, Laverne, Shirl.
- How's the chicken today? - What if someone's vegetarian? - I gotta go call the caterer.
- Thank you.
- I just calmed her down.
- She's quite mad.
I hope she doesn't rub off on you.
- Too easy.
- Please, man.
- I'm Christopher Duncan Turk.
- Duncan? - His dad loved donuts.
- That's not true.
You need to stop saying that.
The point is, I don't lose my cool.
I don't know.
Remember back in college when we had tickets to see Michael Jordan in the playoffs? We're going to see Michael Jordan We're going to see Michael Jordan, cos we got good tickets We went 500 miles Was I supposed to bring the tickets or the sandwiches? Oh, God.
You leave it on the floor.
You shaved your head for the first time after that.
I wish we could go back and see that game.
- Wanting what you can't have? - Why are you here? - Hospitals don't sell cigarettes.
- Man, I'd smoke her.
Quiet time, Todd.
I wanna know everything that's wrong with me.
Mr Corman, you're not even feeling bad.
You don't need this scan.
If it would make you happy, we could do the same thing we've done the last 50 times you've been here.
Take your temperature, draw some blood and give you a rectal.
Last time you tried to torture me to prove a point, Doctor - Cox.
- Mengele.
I've already talked to the insurance company.
There is nothing you can say that can stop me from doing this.
Mr Corman, apparently your insurance company's not gonna cover it.
Good day to you, sir.
I'm ready to make the first incision.
- Retract the pannus.
- Want me to hold the fat flaps? More than anything in the world.
Todd, you're up.
- Thank you.
- Oh, man.
If you don't want me to throw you out of here, you've gotta get through this procedure without making a sex joke.
No problem.
To really get at this, I think we need to go in from behind.
- And stay out.
- Totally worth it.
Pathetic.
For three years, I've been watching you pine after Blonde Doctor.
Everyone is sick of it.
"Will they? Won't they? At the last second something went wrong.
" Come on.
Enough already.
- You aren't exactly Ross and Rachel.
- Who? Dr Ross and Rachel from bookkeeping.
Just let her be happy with stunningly handsome, full-lipped guy.
I don't even care what you think.
In the heat of battle, it's important to hold your ground.
Doctor.
You hooked him, you got him in the boat, but he still got away.
Victory can be snatched away at the last second.
Mr Corman, your full-body scan is on the house.
I'm listening.
Excuse me.
Sometimes you don't know how it happened.
I don't get it.
Last night I was golden boy and now I'm fat-flap guy.
Why would Dr Miller turn on me? I've been great in surgery.
- She's coming to the wedding.
- She's not.
- What? - I un-invited her.
It's amazing how your world can change in an instant.
Guys, guess what? I just asked Sean if he would move in with me.
- Tell them what you said.
- Yes.
- Isn't that great? - That is great.
Isn't that great? Full-lipped bastard.
Great.
What does Sean have that I don't have? Don't compare yourself to him.
He's better.
Thanks for the lift.
On Tuesdays my feet swell up like Jiffy Pop bags.
I'm sure it'll show up on the scan.
If anything turns up green, it's probably an emerald I swallowed from my mother's jewellery box when I was five.
I'd like to get that back to her.
What's going on? - Zip it.
I know a shortcut.
- I'm getting chair-jacked.
Why are you mad? You told me to un-invite people.
So you told my new boss you didn't want her to come to the wedding? No.
I told her we didn't want her to come.
Hello, there.
Can I give you some help? My mommy said you had lollipops.
Give me a red one.
- So, moving in together, huh? - Yeah.
It's a little scary.
Just like that, I saw my window.
It is scary.
I knew this girl in college who moved in with her boyfriend.
Everything changed.
Stopped talking, started fighting.
You know the rest.
- They broke up? - He killed her.
Dr Reid, they need you to check on that stabbing victim in room 301.
- Could be you.
- What? Nothing.
- Don't do that.
- Why are you here? Elliot listens to you.
Why are you messing with her? - He wants what he can't have.
- New rule.
Hospitals are for doctors and sick people only.
You've had many chances, and you never stepped up to the plate.
I'm terrified, but that's how much Elliot and I mean to each other.
We work.
If you really care about her, you won't mess this up.
Un-invite my boss, huh? We'll see how she likes it when I mess with her world.
I appreciate the lunch, but are you actually trying to convince me, an admittedly frugal hypochondriac, not to get a free full-body scan? You're not dying of anything.
Although if you swipe one more bite of my lamb medallions, I will kill you.
- Look who never learned to share.
- I am not losing a bet to Bob Kelso.
All this concern about my health and my well-being, and it's about a bet? That's a pretty reprehensible thing to do.
If you'll excuse me, I have a full-body scan to take.
You drove me here.
I'd like to see a dessert menu, please.
It was a little difficult changing your cake at the last minute, but I was able to make it non-dairy like you requested.
Uncle Ramon thanks you, and the people at table three thank you even more.
It's perfect.
Isn't it, Turk? What's up with the white people on top? They don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.
I'll colour it in with some chocolate frosting.
That's a great idea.
Put him in blackface.
What? Put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it, he sings Mammy.
- Forget it.
- Where are you going? To where you keep all the other coloured cakes? I'm gonna call Jesse.
And we gonna march on your ass.
I was just goofing around about that whole thing.
It's great you guys are moving in together.
Thanks.
I really needed to hear that from you.
Maybe I am someone who only wants what he can't have.
But what if the thing I want is the girl I'm supposed to end up with? - It should be me.
- What? Every year we bounce around this thing and I never had the courage to stand up and tell you how I feel.
I'm crazy about you.
If I had the choice of hanging out with anyone in the entire world or sitting with you eating pizza and watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you every time.
I have to go.
Not yet, you don't.
For Pete's sake.
Will you leave me alone? This baby would mess with a normal person's mind, so please hear me when I say that if you get this scan, it will ruin you.
The next year is gonna be a series of endless tests and I wanna keep that from happening to you, even if you get free medical treatment the rest of your life.
How can I believe that you even care about me? How are we doing, Mr Corman? Bob, we just had our scan.
- You win.
- And That was our first date.
Next time don't be afraid to put a little feeling into it.
There you go.
It's damn sure not about the bet anymore.
You do whatever you want.
I cannot believe you are freaking out about this.
- We are not having wedding pie.
- This is so typical of you.
- This whole wedding is about you.
- Give me back my wedding planner.
"Frank Sinatra as our first dance.
" That guy has only got one good song.
You got pink roses.
I hate pink.
Big-screen TV at the reception.
- Big-screen TV at the reception? - I knew you wanted to see the playoffs.
You did that for me? It's amazing how one simple gesture can bring you back from the brink.
Baby.
The U-Haul is parked outside.
Everything I own is in it.
Except for this half of my salad tongs.
I was using that to scratch myself on the way over.
This isn't gonna work.
The funny thing about love is you never know how things are gonna work out.
Like me.
I lost Elliot, but at least I went down swinging.
What are you doing? - What are we watching? - Little House on the Prairie.
If you are wondering what this is, it's a list of the hundreds of people who've signed up for our full-body scan.
Bully for you there, Bob-O.
Sometimes a small victory is enough to get you through the day.
- I didn't get the scan.
- I know you didn't, Mr Corman.
Please, call me Harvey.
Harvey Corman? Doesn't get me as much action as you'd think.
Anyway, about that free medical care, I'm gonna need your home number.
Just in case.
- Do you want me to re-invite her? - Do you want her there? She's too pretty.
I want people looking at me.
- She's out.
- Dr Turk, meet me in the OR.
- Fat flaps? - You got it.
I love fat flaps.
I love you.
As for me, all I needed was Elliot.
It's just so weird.
My whole future was right there in front of me and I just walked away, all because of you.
I think you made the right choice.
The problem with people who want what they can't have is that when they actually get the thing they covet, they don't want it anymore.
But not this guy.
Well, Dr Dorian, you have me.
You finally have me.
Oh, my God.
I don't want her.