Scrubs s04e04 Episode Script

Being the new doctor at a hospital can be difficult.
That's why it's nice when someone takes the time to befriend you.
I'm Ron.
I'm a new doctor here.
Yeah, Ron.
The "I don't care ward" is down there.
Anyway, the person who reached out to Molly was Elliot.
Do you wanna go to Little Tokyo and do karaoke with me tonight? Do people with trichotillomania pull their hair out? - Do they? - Yeah.
Cool.
Cos inviting you to karaoke's kind of a big deal to me.
I'm a little shy about my 'aoke.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
I don't know.
I'm pretty tone-deaf.
I do these kick moves that I don't think people get.
Plus I sometimes wear a cape.
It's probably all in my head.
It's not.
Dr Cox, can I ask you something? The answer is "Yes, it was me who saw you doing leg lifts in the gym on that inflatable ball.
" It was quite the display of girl power.
Absolutely loved the leg warmers.
First, they were just big socks, OK? Secondly, if you need to do laundry, here's the washboard.
- What do you want? - As co-chief resident I've noticed some of my residents are overwhelmed.
It'd be nice if you gave 'em one of your patented pep talks.
I'll be more than glad to give your residents a little pep talk.
Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient.
At some point during your residency, you will screw up, they will die and it will be burned into your conscience forever.
- Hell, take pee pants here.
- Pee pants.
He might go ahead and get himself a clean kill this morning seeing as his patient, Miss Sampson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level.
Her phosphate level.
Doug! Stop writing and go! That man has killed so many patients I'm starting to think he might be a government operative.
The point is, the harder you study the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill.
Other than that, I guess, cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family.
Great to see you kids.
All the best.
Thank you.
Thank you, Dr Cox.
OK, you guys, pizza and punch in the penthouse.
Doug! Wrong patient.
One bed over.
Hey, there.
This is, like, my eleventh slice.
Cannonball this.
That's the good stuff.
So anyway, after Dr Cox scared them, no one wanted pizza or punch except for Doug, who had worked up a hearty appetite neglecting Miss Sampson into a coma.
Turk, what is Rowdy doing in my closet? - He's guardin' your shoes.
- He almost gave me a heart attack.
Could you do me a favour and not hold him by the haunches? Yeah, he has hip dysplasia.
He's a purebred.
It's genetic.
I am sick of that creepy thing.
I want him out of my house.
Isn't that a shocker? You don't care about something important to me.
Why don't you throw him out? Don't listen to him.
He's drunk on cheese.
Don't think Rowdy doesn't know what's going on.
What's he gonna do? Easy, boy.
She ain't worth it.
Mrs Carter, your fever was just a reaction to the aesthetic we gave you during your cataract surgery.
- I'm sending you home.
- Can I drive my Trans Am? That's not up to me.
That's up to the police and the owner of those horses you killed.
They were everywhere.
You were on a racetrack, Mrs Carter.
I don't get why Turk was so upset about Rowdy.
He's just a creepy, stuffed, stupid, yellow, dead dog.
- Too many adjectives? - I'm sure he's more than a pet to Turk.
I mean, he's basically a link to his childhood.
He bought him eight years ago at a garage sale.
Then he's just a Nutter Butter.
Still, I think I really hurt his feelings.
Maybe you should do something nice for Rowdy, like get him cleaned.
Your sign doesn't say "live dog groomer.
" As doctors, we always take patients' histories though there aren't a lot of surprises.
And, Mr Phillips, do you exercise? - I do yoga every morning.
- I can't do yoga.
All that deep breathing.
I hate breathing.
Except, you know, to live.
Do you drink? - Occasional glass of wine with dinner.
- And any drug use? Been on and off heroin for eight years.
But I've been clean for six months.
- See? No track marks.
- Way to go, Daddy.
He's my biggest fan.
- Do you smoke cigarettes? - No way.
Of course not.
Those things'll kill ya.
Mr Daniels, some fluid has gathered near your heart.
I'm gonna schedule a pericardiocentesis and drain it with a needle.
Someone's gonna stick a needle in my chest? - Not just someone.
Dr Da Man.
- Who's Dr Da Man? Say it without the doctor.
- Who's Mr Da Man? - No, just say the last name.
- Who's Da Man? - I'm da man! That was awesome.
That was fun doing that with you.
Now that you've got his confidence, drive it home.
So I'll schedule the procedure.
- If you think it's the right thing.
- I do.
Dr Cox! Thanks for that "everyone's a murderer" speech.
Nice scare tactic.
My residents have stopped eating.
That wasn't a scare tactic.
Eventually, everyone commits a sin of omission or doesn't act quickly enough, and somebody kicks the bucket.
It's really not a question of "if".
It's a question of "when".
It's strange.
Even though a lot of patients have died under my care I don't think I've killed any of them.
- Heaven's a diner? - Get anything you want, dear.
- Maybe I'll have flapjacks.
- They don't have those.
No flapjacks in heaven? Are flapjacks evil? Don't worry about it.
Listen, dead people do any of you feel that I may have, you know, killed you? No.
I mean, you weren't a great doctor.
- He was nervous.
- Oh, like a little bird.
But no, dear, you didn't kill any of us.
You know what? I left my wallet back on Earth.
Suckers.
Heard you're tryin' to clean a dead dog.
- Yeah? Who told you that? - The wind.
Blonde doctor.
- I can clean it for you.
- Why would you do that? I don't know.
I'm still a little drunk from breakfast.
Plus, taxidermy used to be kinda a hobby of mine, you know till the state took my license away.
How come? What happened to all the cute little squirrels, Flo? Let's call this meeting to order.
First things first, I counted the ballots and someone voted twice.
Interesting.
I'm not pointing fingers.
Roy.
There were never any squirrels.
I've got this patient with a damaged heart valve and needs a replacement.
He a good candidate for surgery? Definitely.
Thirty-five, married, good job, cute little boy, great dog.
Can't remember what kind they said.
Long time recovering heroin addict.
Bulldog.
That's what it was.
Named Paris after the city, not the slutty socialite tramp.
He's a heroin addict? But he's super-serious about his sobriety.
He's been to rehab six times.
He needs to dial it up to super-duper-serious.
- I'll tell him.
- Elliot, you know the chief of surgery isn't gonna accept the risk of a valve replacement on someone who's gonna destroy it with drugs.
- Want some of my pancakes? - Devil cakes? No, thank you.
Dr Cox is trying to convince me that everyone eventually kills a patient.
- But I haven't.
I know you haven't.
- Hell, yeah, I have.
Remember my first year, Mr Quinn? I forgot to write the order for his albumin drip and he haemorrhaged and died.
You want your doughnut? And it turned out Turk wasn't the only one.
Mrs Kahn, my second year.
Mrs Studebaker, I've been a doctor for 30 years.
What do you think? On my third day, there was Mr Kershnar.
Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago.
It was really tough because she was hot.
Then later that third day Oh, boy.
That can't be good.
No, Newbie, I have not killed.
But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule.
So right about now, you gotta be asking yourself do you think you're that good? Oh, my God.
I'm gonna kill someone.
Because of heroin use, Surgery doesn't wanna give Mr Phillips a heart valve.
Now an ethics committee is gonna decide if he gets the operation.
I'm freakin' out, I've gotta argue his case.
My God.
Is it already 2.
00? That's Greenland time.
So I remember to call my mom on her vacation before she goes on the boat.
The boat? She's been sleeping with a commercial salmon fisherman.
How fun for her.
I've dealt with ethics committees.
You're gonna be great.
- The key is to be confident.
- Well, I'm not.
I'll tell you what.
I'll go with you for moral support.
If things get dicey cos it's a bunch of stuffed shirts then we can make out.
They'll give you what you want.
What? I thought I heard something.
Goodbye, Todd.
Back to the transplant.
So who's even on an ethics committee? Obviously higher-ups.
The chief of medicine a sharp legal mind and an older doctor with a wealth of experience.
If Edwards is dead, I want his cupcake.
Not yet.
As I was contemplating how easy it would be to make my first fatal mistake I had a feeling Mr Daniels felt good about this procedure.
I feel good about this.
See? We all end up leaning on certain clichés when making major decisions.
Like "Don't jump off a bridge if you don't know how deep the water is.
" This procedure's too risky now.
We should wait.
And of course, the classic: "No matter how clean the janitor gets your dead dog you need to put him in the trunk and not leave him on the roof.
" And the lesser known "You can accomplish anything with a friend by your side.
" I understand that because of his drug problem you don't think Mr Phillips is a good candidate for surgery but he understands that this heart valve is a responsibility.
Those of you who have met him, like Ted, can attest to this.
This is a very dicey case.
Ted, what do you think? She knows my name.
Whatever she wants.
Very ethical.
Why don't I open the floor to those people who currently do not have erections? Dr Clock.
Think this guy'll stay clean? I'm here as a friend.
I think you should ask Ted again.
Oh, good God, she knows it too.
Am I awake? Dr Clock, Edwards here is, at best a few minutes away from walking towards the light.
So, what say you stop wasting our time and give me your professional opinion? Of course, sometimes, friends will surprise you.
Mr Phillips' numerous relapses paint the picture of someone who has not overcome his addiction.
So no, I don't think he will.
Karaoke's so off.
Look, I know you're mad.
Why? Because you betrayed me? Betrayer.
They asked for my professional opinion, I had to give it.
If you were a real friend, you could've lied, made out with me.
Stuff we talked about.
- Did I just hear? - Todd! I wanna work this out.
I have to see this schizophrenic patient.
It's already 6.
00.
No, Molly, it's 3.
00.
You're still on stupid Greenland time.
Shoot.
I forgot to call my mom and Yergi.
I know I bailed on Mr Daniels but the whole having not killed thing got in my head.
- Still, no one will notice.
- Ah, Kiki Dee.
I heard Mr Daniels isn't getting his pericardiocentesis.
Since when? You're gonna lie.
Don't be specific.
His wife didn't want him to.
She's beautiful.
One green eye, one blue.
They're both from Luxembourg.
I believe they're Luxembourgian.
Where in Luxembourg? I spent two weeks there.
What are the odds? Stay vague.
Outside Mertert near the German border.
They say what they miss most are lazy summer afternoons on the Moselle River.
You are channelling that seventh grade book report.
OK, then.
Bullet dodged.
He totally bought it.
Where's he taking me? Mr Daniels, we have rethought things and decided you should have that procedure.
OK.
That took quite a bit of cajoling, but I think I was able to convince him.
That's OK.
Cos I wasn't the only one lying around here.
Hey, baby, I'm gonna head home and watch some television with Rowdy.
Rowdy? No! You shouldn't go home.
- Why? - I need you to go somewhere for me.
I want you to go to a strip club.
OK.
Turk, can I talk to you for a second? Can't talk now.
Good stuff's happenin'.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Don't care.
Where? Where am I gonna find a dead, stuffed yellow lab? - I can help.
- No, you have work to do.
Let's go.
- No! - OK.
I just needed to know where the line was.
Well, hello.
Wrong place, wrong time, little buddy.
Fellas, I'd like you all to meet Kyle.
Welcome him.
Treat him as a brother.
You'll enjoy it here.
Any complaints, go to Dwayne.
What do we got on the table? Greg, may I run the meeting? Is that cool? OK.
Well, I guess I was a little more persuasive than I thought.
You got the heart valve! Oh, that's amazing.
We have to celebrate.
- How do you celebrate without heroin? - With cake, mostly.
Let's score some cake.
Mr Phillips, part of the deal is you'll come back the next six weeks for rehab.
Absolutely.
Not a problem.
I'm real good at rehab.
But after that, I'm gonna move my family to Florida.
- Start fresh.
- Yeah.
Did somebody page me? I'm sorry I took so long.
I was just eating lunch.
Of course.
It's 8.
30 in the morning.
I wanted to let you know that the committee voted in my favour.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- I was congratulating Dean.
- Why? - He got a new heart valve.
- She voted against you.
Can I talk to you outside? Did you just page me so you could rub my face in this? Yes.
There's also a couple of messages on your home machine.
I hope I'm wrong, and I hope he stays clean.
Let's not make this personal.
Said the loser who lost.
Don't push me.
One of the reasons I became a therapist is I've been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.
I'm real scared, Molly.
Whatcha gonna do? Eyebrows.
Eyebrows? Like that's gonna make you Elliot, come on.
You can't be that insecure.
Giant Adam's apple.
I have to go.
Elliot's comment didn't bother me cos I'm proud of the body God gave me.
Besides, I had bigger problems.
I had to do Mr Daniels'procedure.
Luckily, I'm a professional, and professionals finish the job.
This needle is too sticky.
I'm out.
Get it together, Laverne.
Hey, Peggy.
Yes, I noticed the turtleneck choice in August and can only assume it's something to do with that grapefruit you store in your trachea.
Let me put your mind at ease.
You've killed before.
Who? Do you remember Mrs Carter? OK, bye-bye.
- She died? - Three days ago of endocarditis.
You didn't get blood cultures and you missed it.
You happy? The weird thing was that I was a little happy.
- Sticky needle, please.
- Here you go, Doctor.
By the way, when this is over, I'm kickin' your arse.
Where's your husband? He isn't here.
Ruff ruff.
You found Rowdy? No, not Rowdy.
This is Steven.
Rowdy was 48 inches from snout to tail.
Steven's only 46 on a good day.
I think we're OK.
I got him off another taxidermy guy on the Internet.
Had to trade him my squirrel army.
Oh, I'm sorry you had to do that.
But thank you.
Nah, everyone thinks squirrel armies are so great.
I'm not sure it's the healthiest habit in the world.
Thank you.
He likes the park.
Let it go.
OK.
It smells like Rowdy.
He's Steven.
Killing Mrs Carter, though admittedly bad for her was just the pick-me-up I needed.
I don't know how my car ended up in the community pool.
You must have lost control after you went through the snack bar.
Mrs Carter? Did I trick Newbie? I did, didn't I? And now, of course, he has to live in fear of when he will kill.
When, when, when, when? - I don't appreciate lying.
- I know you're scared and a lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body.
But here's the dirty little secret: Fear is good.
It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor.
The trick is, you can't let it paralyse you.
Don't worry about a thing, Newbie.
You're a sure thing to get a kill.
In fact, should be any day now.
One of the hardest things is sometimes you don't get to know how things end.
- What are you doin'? - Just waitin' for Mr Phillips.
He showed up for the first couple days.
But he's missed his last three rehab appointments.
I'll wait with you.
Thanks.
I got my eyebrows waxed.
They look really good.
Whether it's wondering if your husband will realise you replaced his dead dog with a shorter replica or wondering when and if you're gonna kill that first person.
Everybody, watch closely.
Because if you're not careful, you can cause a pneumothorax.
Ultimately, it'll drive you crazy if you don't have a friend to help you through it.
He might've gone to Florida.
Maybe he's going to a hospital there.
- Do you think? - I don't know.
Maybe.
OK, there is no way I'm following that guy.
I don't even have my cape.