Scrubs s04e06 Episode Script

Working at Sacred Heart, you grow accustomed to a lot of things: Sickness, death, Ted's morning self-affirmation ritual.
People are laughing with you.
People are laughing with you.
One thing Turk couldn't get accustomed to was his wife being friends with a psychiatrist.
- What do you want for lunch today? - Baby, please, not in front of her.
Why are you not comfortable around me? You can get in people's heads.
Don't take this negatively, but that makes you a devil woman.
Who could imagine what it's like in your head? I'll take this one.
Hey.
Welcome to Turk's head.
You look really hot.
Wait a second.
You're not a lesbian.
I am in here.
Yeah, me too.
Damn it! Molly, you're a shrink.
Why is it my daydreams end right before the sexy part? I don't know.
Maybe we should work on that together.
- Damn it! - Dude.
Relax and enjoy hot chocolate love.
Snap out of it! Abort! Abort! Stop it! I don't have gay jungle fever! - OK, we should go.
- Yeah.
- Mr Garcia's family's here.
- Fantastic.
Telling a family their loved one has died is never easy.
That's why doctors have a variety of techniques for breaking the news.
There's the hand on shoulder.
There's hand on hand.
And, of course, the always popular resident kabuki theatre.
I'm sorry for your loss.
As for my family, we had our own way of breaking the news.
Hey, little brother.
We did it with cake.
What happened? A guy can't travel 800 miles on a bus with a cake to say, "How're things"? Dan.
Dad died.
There's ice cream in the fridge.
You guys are back.
Sorry I had to blow out of there after the funeral.
How was the week? Spent most time dealing with the headstone.
Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it shaped like a pencil.
- So? - It looked like a giant marble penis which Dad would've liked more.
How you doin', buddy? I don't know.
It hasn't hit me yet.
It will eventually.
Don't worry.
When it does, big bro will be there.
- What is it? - Dan, I love you but being there for people isn't your thing.
No, that was the old Dan.
Look at me.
This is new Dan.
I'm totally here for you.
Dan, you've been in here for, like, nine hours.
Are you OK? I'd feel better if you could give that "H" knob a little twist.
Body temp is a bit low.
Now I can feel my tootsies.
So, what do you think of the new convertible, Ted? Why don't I have one of these? Well, howdy, Dr Kelso.
Ain't she a beaut? I rented 'er so's I could repair the air conditioning unit.
Looks expensive.
Who authorised this? Why, you did, sir.
Must've been Tuesday last.
Stop talkin' like a farmer.
I did no such thing! I'm not sure how one would go about making a janitor's life more miserable but what say we start by docking your pay for the cost of this monstrosity? Oh, God! It won't smooth down! It's nice to meet you too, Chuck.
Oh.
He's having one of his Love Connection dreams.
You sure? I'd love to go out with her again if you'll pay for it.
- Poppy.
- What? We've been looking all over for you.
Why? What did I miss? Bye, Carla.
Sorry I didn't get to meet your husband.
Mr Woolery, what've you been doing since Love Connection was cancelled? Love Connection was never cancelled.
It's just not on TV anymore.
I still do episodes in my basement with singles from the neighbourhood.
- I'm not crazy.
- No.
Aw, stupid nap! I've been a little sleepy these last couple of weeks.
I've dropped a few pounds.
I don't know.
I think I got the flu, baby.
- No! - Yeah.
You're not allowed to get sick.
You're my superman.
I mean, if you're in bed, who's gonna give me my back rubs or unscrew the peanut butter jar, or walk around all day in my new high heels just to stretch them out? She's kidding.
I've never done that.
Not in front of the devil woman.
Sorry.
- I got a new pair of pumps.
- No.
Whenever someone close to you dies it's important to keep your head above water.
Dan! I'm up! It wasn't exactly easy showering with you in there.
It wasn't exactly easy for me, either.
You have Dad's butt.
You think you'll get out of the tub today? Today doesn't look good.
Get me beer? Look, I put a six-pack for you in the toilet.
- I gotta go to work.
- OK, little brother.
Call me if you need Anything.
I mean, anything from this particular area.
Hello, my old friend.
Success.
Look, Mr Cannon, let's drop the forgetful act! Now, if you don't sign these papers, this hospital will discharge you and then we'll see what you do and do not remember! The man has Alzheimer's, bozo.
It still won't smooth down! He's not a day over 55, and he has Alzheimer's.
Really makes you think, doesn't it? You're over 55, aren't you, sir? - What's your point? - Nothin'.
Though I deal with death every time I walk into this place I'd never dealt with it from this side.
It's full of surprises, whether it's a small gesture from a co-worker or a big gesture from someone you've never met.
Walk tall, kiddo.
Of course, sometimes it's a little awkward, even with an old friend.
- I just wanted to - Yeah.
- Look - Thanks.
- 'K.
- 'K.
Say, Barbie, for a second there I thought you were being a little cold, but then you saved it with the "'K.
" What are you gonna do, hide, then call him Ginger? No.
It's Monday, which, of course, means it's ethnic day so I'll be going with Rosalita.
Besides, I have a plan.
- Which is? - Yeah, unfortunately the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me.
Want to hear the second part? - Sure.
- I can't.
My hands are tied by the first part.
Baby, look at you.
Please go see our doctor.
I hate Dr Kim.
He always makes me take my pants off, even that time I went in for pink eye.
I gotta pee.
Don't you think it's weird you've gone seven times today? I think it's weird you're counting.
It's impossible to get a doctor to see a doctor.
I'm on it.
Excuse me.
Did somebody say they're lookin' for the baddest detective in town? Awesome afro.
I'm sorry to barge in on you, but I was wondering if you could help me.
I have this patient, constantly tired, always peeing, losing weight.
You should have him checked out.
He might have diabetes.
The good news is that it's Type 2 diabetes.
It's still serious, but it's totally manageable.
Devil woman gave me diabetes.
- How you holdin' up, Bambi? - I'm OK.
You have my charts? Didn't anyone tell you? They switched your shift.
You're off today.
OK.
- He bought it.
- Great, great, great.
I took all his patients and I threatened his residents under penalty of death not to page him.
One last thing left to do.
What is this? Basic homemade anti-drowning device to be worn till your brother returns.
- I like it.
- Oh, boy.
Tryin' to cut back.
Where the hell is my car? I parked it right there.
I know I parked it.
For God's sake, am I losing my mind? What the hell? Tommy! Take me up! He's comin' back! - Hey, you want a beer? - Absotively.
Bath water.
Backwash.
- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Hey, Dan, if Dad were here right now, what would you say to him? I think he'd be glad to hear that.
Maybe it was because I finally slowed down.
Maybe it was remembering Dad's passion for bodily functions.
But at that moment, it all hit me.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure Dan's the guy to talk about it with.
Slow down, little duck.
Some ducks can't hold their water.
It's OK.
I know.
There's a lot in life that can let you down.
It can be your mind or your body.
- Call me if you have any questions.
- I'm here for my ear infection.
- Go in and take your pants off.
So, what'd he say? Oh, it's the flu, like I said.
Luckily for me, I had someone to lean on.
Can I talk to you for a second? - Nope.
- Really? Not even two seconds to talk to me? Look, newbie Oh, for God's sake.
I'm a little swamped.
Thank you.
You know what sucks? I thought you were gonna come through for me.
In a minute.
Hey, Newbie, just in case you didn't actually notice I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages and doing everything shy of picking up your sundress from the cleaners.
Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I? Outstanding! You're walkin' away like a pissy little ingrate.
I mean, bravo! Bravo, huh? What are we clappin' for? His dad just died.
Damn it.
Why are you still antagonising him? I don't know.
I can't stop.
You'd better come through for him.
What do you want me to do? Be more sensitive.
Try giving him a hug.
Barbie, you've met me before.
Yes? Now, at most, I can muster one hug a year.
And nine months ago, I hugged my son so you're gonna have to do it.
You saw us before? We're still awkward from the break-up.
Hold the phone.
Are you suggesting that if I sleep with him that I won't have to deal with problems like this? I'm considering taking that hit.
Honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don't spoon.
I'm not a spooner.
Well, it took a whole tube of gel, but I finally got my hair down.
No one, male or female, ever cared, Ted.
Where the hell are my reading glasses? The last few days, I'm beginning to feel the old noodle is really letting me down.
I'm sure I'm just making mountains out of molehills.
Don't you think, Ted? Ted? Hey, Wonderbra.
Do you have a second? - For what? - I'm giving you a hug.
I was wonderin' what that crane was for.
So, now, how would you like this whole hug thing to go down? Do you want to remain seated? As long as it's under three seconds and I don't feel breath on my neck.
You're making fun of me cos I need help getting through this.
No, I'm really trying.
You know what? I'm sick of getting dumped on, and I am sick of you.
- Newbie, don't shove me.
- Oh, really? Why not? Because whenever anybody shoves me more than twice my mind goes blank, and all I see is this white-hot flash of fury.
When someone shoves you like this? - So? How'd it go? - Punched him in the face.
You want me to kick his ass? No need.
I already got him back and then some.
- On the window, huh? - Yeah! Here we go.
- Oh, God.
Who died? - No.
It's for Turk.
- I'll get you some milk? - Yeah! What's the occasion? I have Type 2 diabetes.
- Really? - Yeah.
That sucks.
Carla is aware if you eat that, your foot will fall off, right? I haven't told her yet.
I'm sure she knows cos she's trying to get me to fess up by tempting her chocolaty goodness with chocolaty goodness.
Babe, do you want some hot fudge sugar sauce? Oh, hell, yeah! - Why haven't you told her? - I'm not sure.
Can I tell you something weird? You can tell me anything.
Your dad dying has stolen my diabetes' thunder.
My God! Just this second I was thinking your diabetes is gonna get in the way of my dad dying.
Isn't that funny? Cool! I smell cake.
If Uncle Bertie died, someone's gonna have to go on a beer run.
Thanks again for inviting me to your house for dinner.
I did? Yes, sir, you did.
- Hey, where's your brother? - JD! - He's not here.
- Look, Dan It's Captain Bubblebeard.
Avast, matey! Shut your scupper and bury your steel! We should be seen Now you're Dan again.
Let's break down the kid's support system.
He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who's soaking in a tub of what by now has to be mostly your own urine.
I believe the ratio's shifted that way.
And I have got to believe that the two of us together, together, Dan we can make it at least halfway to one legitimate adult.
You're right, Coxy.
Damn it, Coxsmith, crybaby time is over.
The kid needs us, and he needs us now.
- Towel.
- Thank you.
Let's rock'n'roll.
I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs.
Fantastic.
I want to apologise to you for that whole "devil woman" thing.
I promise you I will never call you that again.
It's OK.
I can understand why you're uncomfortable around me.
I sometimes do see everyone as a patient.
You know, surgeons do that too.
Come on, let's see who's better at it.
Hip replacement.
- Alcoholic.
That was easy.
- Yeah.
Quadruple bypass, two on me.
Trying to validate herself, so she'll sleep with anyone.
Hey, Turk.
What's up, Charice? All right? See, that was before Carla.
So, what about me? Come on, you know you want to.
Well, Carla calls you her superman, and you love that.
The diabetes makes you feel vulnerable and you're afraid if you're open to her about it you won't be her superman anymore.
Yeah.
Devil woman.
Sorry.
My God.
I'm sorry about the "wash me" thing! Put that on.
Dan? You were out with him? I thought you dissolved.
This is the way to do this without feeling uncomfortable.
Drink.
- Now talk.
- What do you want me to talk about? The pros and cons of blitzing a weak side corner in third and long situations? Thank you, Football for Dummies.
I gotta tell you, little brother, you were always the apple of Dad's eye.
That's the worst thing about college football.
The male cheerleaders That's a chick.
When my father died, all I could focus on was how much he was never there, but you, you're lucky.
You got some positive stuff you can dwell on.
Throw the ball, you jackass.
He is a jackass.
I mean, I met your father.
I remember like it was yesterday.
After about two seconds, I could tell how proud he was of you.
Then I heard something I never thought I'd hear.
Truth be told there, Newbie I'm proud of you.
Me too.
It's amazing how a few simple words can change everything.
Whether it's an apology I'm sorry I came down so hard on you.
I've been a bit forgetful lately.
I suppose it's possible that I could've told you you could rent that crane.
Sir apology accepted.
Hey! Tommy, what are you doing? Tommy's been let go.
Have a nice weekend.
You too, sir.
or an admission.
- Baby, I got diabetes.
- Oh, no, Turk, really? Carla I call this Turk's diabetes box.
Here is a recipe for sugar-free brownies.
OK, here's a bunch of articles I downloaded off of the Inter - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Of course, sometimes it's not about the words.
It's just about having someone there to listen.
Our dad is ranting and raving cos he's an office supply salesman and he can't find a paperclip in the entire house.
He gets to work the next morning realises he's got a million of them in the trunk of his car.
The trunk is filled with boxes of them.
Here's to your dad.