Scrubs s04e22 Episode Script

Let me explain.
Turk and Carla's marriage was in trouble cos of some dumb stuff Turk had done, so last night, I took Carla out to smooth things over.
Long story short, we smooched.
Sorry.
Drunken accident.
It was barely more than a friend kiss, so we decided not to tell Turk.
Or so I thought.
J.
D.
And I kissed.
Was it a comfortable silence? No.
I'm not gonna be the one who breaks it.
Unfortunately, I have one of Rowdy's hairs in my mouth.
I guess there's a lot of things that can knock you on your arse.
For instance, when your 17-year-old neighbour doesn't see you as a smoking hottie anymore.
Pedro? I can't seem to find my pencil.
Do you have any idea where it might be? It's right there between your bosoms Ma'am.
Ma'am? You just ma'amed your way out of me buying you beer again.
Ma'am? And, of course, the one thing you can always count on to knock you on your arse Floor wax.
Uncanny.
Dr Kelso, while I got you here I need to discuss a matter of grave importance.
- What is it? - I'm not happy with my uniform.
New janitor uniforms! Top priority.
Right up there with silk jammies for the patients and a cat door for the ICU.
I made some sketches.
- This one has a cape! - Gives me the option of fighting crime.
After work, of course.
Now, this one has sort of a medieval thing goin'.
- That's you on a horse? - It's a steed, sir.
That's for clean-ups in outer space.
This one's outer space evening wear.
This one's just a kangaroo.
Sometimes I draw kangaroos.
You know, I could look at the demented crayon scratchings of a madman all day, but I got a hospital to run.
- Did you wax over there yet? - No, sir.
I'll get a new uniform, or I'll wax everything in your world.
Wait'll you get a load of this.
They're giving me a teaching award tonight so I'm gonna need you to holster up the twins as you'll be playin' the role of arm candy.
Yeah, I'm not going.
If I wanna hear someone go on and on about how great you are, I'll just listen to you during sex.
I'm hearing the hate, but I'm not seeing the hate.
You Oh, my God.
Did you Botox your face into an expressionless mask? Pedro called me "ma'am.
" Damn it, Jordan, come on.
Now, you know I'm generally OK with you putting any poison you want into your body but this is the first time I've ever won anything.
- It's not that bad.
- Really! Show me Happy.
Sad.
Silly.
Amused.
Bemused.
C-mused.
Show me Angry.
You got angry down.
When we got to work, not a whole lot had changed.
The silence was killing me.
You kissed my wife.
I miss the silence.
Did you like it? Well, it's kind of a trick question.
If I say yes, it's like I'm sayin' "Dude, your wife is hot, and I'd like to get me some of that.
" But if I say no, then I'm all like "I know she's your wife, but you can keep that fish-lipped bitty.
" What about you, Carla? Did you like it? No! His lips are chappy.
I can't use lip balm.
I end up eating it.
When I was little, I used to spread it on crackers.
Well, if it isn't the happy couple.
Oh, and Turk's here, too! OK.
Are we not laughing about this yet? Turk, look, I'm so sorry, but you have to believe me.
- It was barely anything.
- It was barely even a kiss.
It was an accidental lip bump, like, "Oops.
" Don't even look at her.
Sit on the floor! - Sitting.
- Fine.
I'll show you with Elliot.
Something wonderful is happening.
I don't understand why you're butting in on my patient outside of your usual arrogance and God complex.
Don't know what you're talkin' about.
Kiss my ring.
However, if you'd like to know about why I'm "butting in," it's because your young patient Lindsay here when she was 10, I'm the one who diagnosed her with epilepsy.
Now that her medication's no longer controlling her seizures I'd like to know what's going on.
Besides, over the years, we've developed quite a rapport.
Hey.
Lindsay.
What's up, girlfriend? See? Rapport.
The damn janitor waxed the counter! Give me that phone.
- It doesn't have to be like this.
- I know.
Here.
It's beautiful.
You don't have to put it on today, but Hey, we're kinda in the middle of something here! This'll just take a second.
Nice, huh? Who gets a tattoo of a mop? - Can I get up? My butt is asleep.
- No! Turk, you know how I was so upset because you started calling your ex-girlfriend? I just couldn't understand how a married person could slip up like that.
Now I do.
- I'm so sorry.
- Me, too, buddy.
Guys As insane as this may sound, I'm actually gonna be OK with this.
Just do me a favour.
No more apologies.
And no more explanations.
And for the love of God, honey no more girl-on-girl kissing demonstrations.
Something horrible has happened.
I'll tell you why Lindsay's seizures are back.
Blood work shows her Dilantin's zero.
Not takin' her medicine.
What? I'm gonna give that girl a talking to.
With all due respect, Dr Cox, maybe I should talk to her.
With no due respect whatsoever, why? She's a teenage girl.
That's an awkward time.
You know, your breasts are growing Not always symmetrically.
You like boys.
One gives you a ride home.
You think something'll happen, it doesn't, and that makes it official.
You're a lopsided freak! Happy ending, though.
Lefty caught up in college.
- Barbie! - Yeah? I have a finite amount of brain space, and your inspiring story of the little breast who couldn't just pushed out my memory of the 1980 Olympic hockey team's victory at Lake Placid.
Miracle on ice Gone.
Listen to me carefully.
I know all about what it's like to be a teenage girl.
Of course, I never had to try to convince my mother that I sure would've liked a naval ring.
Well, we were all going to Jamaica, and my friend Susie Brain space.
Turk.
You've been so awesome but we still need you to know how innocent the kiss was.
- Guys, it's cool.
Don't worry about it.
- Just watch, buddy.
See? Get your hands off my woman! I think you separated my shoulder.
The pain is excruciating.
What? - Looking good, Janitor.
- Well, thank you, petite lady.
Wow! That colour really brings out your package.
Thank you, supposedly straight surgeon.
It's a good day.
Hey, buddy! That's a great suit! Don't bunch the new uni.
Little boy blue! Blow your horn.
He didn't stop.
Stop.
Hallway's closed.
Find another way around.
- Whatever.
You got somethin' here.
- What? - What's that? - I don't know.
You look so cute in your little blue outfit, I wanted to give you a tickle.
All right, what the hell is goin' on? Feel free to take notes.
All right, Blossom.
Here's the gossip.
You're having seizures again cos you're not taking your medication.
If this continues, you'll be dead.
I'm not talking about the "Oh, God, if I don't get invited to the prom I'm going to die" type of dead.
I'm talking dead dead.
Clear? Cos if it's not, I could, of course, text you on my BlackBerry or my blueberry or my Chuck Berry.
Technically, Chuck Berry is a black Berry.
The point is, stop wasting everybody's time and grow up.
- That clear to you, sweetheart? - Yes, Dr Cox.
Thattagirl.
Barbie? Feel free to kiss my ring.
It's nice when things get back to normal.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Carla.
You gotta try these sweet potato fries.
Amazing.
- Put ketchup on it.
- You got it.
Like I said before, small things can knock you on your arse.
Whether it's realising that nobody's afraid of you anymore.
Good Lord! Or finding out that you have no idea how to deal with a teenage girl.
Nice work.
The important thing's to not make a scene in the cafeteria.
Want another one? - Turk! - What? What? Were you gonna eat that? How about this? Let's all have fries, huh? Let's all have fries! - You want fries? - You said you were OK! My fries! Well, apparently I'm not OK, am I, Carla? Apparently, I'm not! You know why? Because kisses just don't happen.
They don't.
Now, this is somebody's fault, and I wanna know whose.
Don't eat that fry! Admittedly, I lost my cool here.
- No, it's understandable.
- No! Why would you? I'm sorry, the only way I'm gonna have closure is if I can blame one of you.
I just gotta figure out who.
Don't worry, this'll all be fine.
You know Turk.
Whomever he blames will get the silent treatment for a couple days then he'll make snarky comments for a few months.
Sooner or later, he'll be laughing about it.
Like when I slept with his family's cleaning lady.
- You slept with Toonie? - I was staying in their guest room she was buffing the nightstand, and she just kept on buffin'.
- Thanks for takin' the hit on this.
- Me? You're his best friend.
All you have to do is say, "I'm sorry," high-five him, and go All you do is have sex and he'll forgive you.
If I have sex with him - He'll end up madder.
- Let's not play into his blame game.
Agreed.
Dude, she was pourin' drinks into me, and she knows I put out when I'm drunk.
He took me to a bar.
I didn't ask him to walk me home! I'm tellin' you, dude, she was all over me like ants on candy.
You think you're talkin' to Turk, don't you? Idiot.
Look, Lindsay, I'm real sorry if I upset you before.
I truly am.
I probably should've asked you why you stopped taking your medication and to be honest with you I was hoping you'd be able to give me the answer to that one right about now.
So Lindso It must be kinda cool having the same name as that Lindsay Lohan.
Gosh, she's super-cool.
Just between you, me and the IV I guess I've probably seen Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen oh, I don't know, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine times.
What a film.
That girl That girl is a robot.
I spent three hours in there and got goose egg.
It's so odd that she didn't respond to you because you know so much about teenage girls.
All right, look.
Barbie I'm about to say four words I've never said to you before that I'll never say again.
Go on, get outta here.
I need your help.
Fine.
But I have three rules.
One, when we're in the room, you say nothing.
Two, I get to say whatever I want about you.
Three, if you break rule one or two, I get to "boing" your curls.
What the hell does "boing" mean? Boing! Oh, God, this is gonna kill me.
All right, just put on your mean face, and order shall be restored.
Yeah, hi.
Nut.
What? I don't even know you.
Yeah, yeah.
Happy birthday.
You gave me a cursed uniform.
It's not cursed.
It's simply psychology.
I chose robin's-egg blue cos it has a calming effect on people and I knew it'd be the thorn in your paw.
Other colours evoke different reactions.
For example, bright orange has been found to provoke hostility.
Dr Kelso, I want to thank you again for the tie.
Fist five! That's the third time today! Please don't make me go to this banquet tonight.
Jordan, this award came from my interns.
The least you can do is show up and support me.
And just like that, it was time for the moment of truth.
- Hey, Turk.
- Hey, Turk.
What's up, J.
D? The silent treatment.
[J.
D.
.]
Be gracious.
I got three words for ya.
Sucks to be Adding a fourth You.
After sharing a quick victory dance with Roland, the heavy-set orderly who, coincidentally, was my victory dance coach - Pop the hips.
- OK.
- Pop the hips, J.
D.
- There it is.
- Thanks, Roland.
One day I'll get it.
- I doubt it.
I got to thinking about relationships.
About how people fall in love have kids grow old together and say goodbye.
And then, for some reason, I thought about the circus.
But then I was back on relationships.
Back to your room, Mr Johnson.
You got one ventricle.
I couldn't help thinking maybe it wasn't luck that made relationships last.
Maybe it was a matter of who takes fewer hits.
You don't have to talk to me.
Just wave if you're gonna give me a ride home.
And I realised I should've been the one to take that hit, not Carla.
Hey, Lindsay.
- Don't worry.
He's not allowed to talk.
- Is that true? You may nod.
You know, Lindsay, when I was 15, I cut my own bangs.
That's right, Percival, it's a high school hair story.
Anyway, Judy Keenan told me that she would also cut her hair off.
It was like a suicide pact, only with bangs.
I cut off my hair, and of course, she backed out.
But even though my bangs looked horrible I kept them that way, mostly because those stupid bangs were the only thing in my life that I felt I had control over.
You know? I'm so tired of everyone telling me what to do.
When to be home, what to wear, when to take my medicine.
I mean, I'm the one who's sick.
Right? I can handle my own life.
How about I tell your parents the prescription's will be given directly to you.
You're in charge of getting your Dilantin, taking it.
Everything.
- Thank you.
- Great.
I don't have a ring, but you can kiss my arse.
Feared in grey Beautiful in blue.
I'm gonna grab a fry Some ketchup.
It's cold.
That's it.
I'm back.
That was weird.
No, that was weird.
- What're you doin'? - That's all it was.
And if you still need someone to blame, why don't you try blaming yourself? You're absolutely right.
It's my fault you kissed my wife.
- I'm goin' home.
- Who do you think you're talkin' to? You think you're the greatest husband? I was there when you flirted with your ex and neglected to tell her you're married.
When you tried to hook up with that waitress the day before you got engaged.
When you hooked up with that stripper at Boobies, Boobies, Boobies.
That was you.
I know, but I told her my name was Turk.
Point is, think of the millions of times you've chosen not to hang with your wife cos you were tryin' to hang with me.
It's time you started acting like a real husband instead of actin' like some sort of crazy cowboy.
- A cowboy? - I don't know.
It just came to me.
You know I'm right, Turk.
When your pride's at stake, you can't help but have questions.
Just tell me.
How did you know what was bothering her? Tell me now so that we don't have to talk anymore.
Ever.
How is it that no man understands that every woman whether she's 16 or 60, still has that awkward, insecure self-conscious teenage girl inside of her? A lot of times, the answer is about sacrifice.
Hey.
Look, I was thinkin' maybe Maybe you'd rather just stay in tonight You know, have some pizza, watch some movies.
What do you say? Are you tryin' to smile? You're so damn cute.
Sometimes sacrifice is only wearing your new uni when you're not at work.
OK, how about this one? Three blue jays fly into a bar.
They say, "We just want to wet our beaks.
" No? Sorry, Dan.
You tell one.
Other times, it's about swallowing that damn pride.
J.
D.
, would you hand me the wine, please? Turk's not talkin' to me.
But ultimately, big or small sacrifice is about doin' something you really don't want to do.
Hey, guys, I know we talked about this before, but I'm movin' out.
Really? - Yeah.
You guys need your space.
- Wow.
Thanks, man.
You're gonna miss me, though.
Hey, you could turn his room into a gym.
We ain't puttin' no gym in my media room.
- Whose media room? - Our media room.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.