Scrubs s05e02 Episode Script

Turk, I'm gonna go get some coffee.
Want one? Get me a small one-pump mocha.
The perfect setup to a joke, but no one's around to hear! Dude! Oh, God! No! Dude! So, what did you want me to get you? A small one-pump mocha? Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Hello! There's a guy waiting to have his spleen removed! It was worth it.
- Let's go, Per! - I have been waiting for an hour.
I know.
I was leafing through a magazine and watching you on the security cameras.
My favorite part is when you said, "Screw her!" and stormed out! But then you came back 'cause you realized I have the keys.
Jordan, now that you work here every day, if the carpool torturing persists, I'm gonna put Plexiglas down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy.
You can't, you can't.
Unfortunately, your door handle doesn't work from the inside, which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash, you won't be able to get out.
However, that's a risk I'm sure willing to take.
Jorderoo? Hello? I'm in here! You can't see me! Jordan! Oh.
Not everyone was in hell at theirjob.
There was only one thing Elliot didn't like about her new hospital: Charlie, her co-fellow.
Good morning, Charlie.
Wanna work on osteogenesis imperfecta therapy with me? I'll tell you the same thing I told you when you popped out of that HAZMAT bin: I work alone, and you have somebody else's blood on your neck.
Take a shower, man.
Fine.
I'll just go.
Yes! That is an intern in a bald cap.
I hate ya, Charlie.
Hippocratic oath on three! - One, two, three! - "First do no harm"! There it is! All right, kick some ass today, guys! Except for Mr.
Woodson in 302.
He's got that rectal tear You seem to be developing a rapport with your interns.
We even built a house for the homeless.
How'd that go? Rex.
In my defense, who wears a tie to a construction site? I believe in team-building.
And I'd make my interns agree with me, but they're in a timeout because one of them used the phrase, "Let's rock and roll.
" When you're an intern, you get treated like crap.
When you're in a position of power, you do the same.
It's inevitable, like the tide, or the awkward toast I'm going to have to give at my son's big gay wedding.
Mark my words: Eventually you'll treat them like dirt like the rest of us do.
Sir, I'd love to chat, but it's already eight.
I gotta rock and roll.
I beg your pardon? - I'm an attending! - Tell it to the wall, Newbie! # I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # I'm no Superman # - The answer's two.
- What? How many janitors does it take to change a light bulb? Two.
That doesn't make any sense.
Hank's an electrician.
- And you are not funny.
- I'm very funny.
Earlier, I made a killer "one-pump mocha" joke.
Everybody laughed.
I bet nobody laughed, but you didn't notice 'cause you were doing that self-laugh you do when you think you're being funny.
Was that your nickname in high school? Anyhoo, have a good one, Lurch.
I had to skedaddle because today was burger day in the caf.
And that meant one thing: and one bottle of ketchup.
- Got the ketchup.
- And here is your burger.
Oh, frick, I forgot my burger! No, she didn't.
She never invites us to her hospital.
She doesn't want you guys embarrassing her.
How would we embarrass her? Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patients with "Turk fever"? - A lot of women suffer from that.
- It's true.
I even had it.
Or that stupid Siamese twin thing you do? Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor? Bite, please.
Here it is.
Mmm.
That's headed right to our joint colon! Yeah, I think I've made my point.
So tell me something, Carla, has she invited you to her new hospital, hmm? Victory sip! Ahh! Daphne, ketchup! Is this seat taken? Ketchup is for winners, Ted.
Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place.
The only respite I get is when we're making love and I pretend you're someone else.
Yeah, I usually pretend we're doing something else.
Damn it! I am your new friend, so suck it! - I gotta go talk to my boys.
- And I have to go talk to Elliot.
Wait, don't leave me! So I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy.
Little tip: The night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top, it was about three days before my ovulation yeah.
Oh, and he was choking me.
Oh, it was so good.
OK, I'm just gonna My boys need the ketchup! That's a lot of boys.
Rex gets first dibs because I opened his chest with a buzz saw.
J.
D.
! Ketchup! I gotta get back to my hospital.
I was thinking I'd come by and visit you tomorrow.
Tomorrow's not great, but we'll definitely do it sometime, you know, in the future.
We were having Mexican food, drinking margaritas Carla? What are you doing here? Hey.
Let me finish telling them this story.
We were at this tiny little ATM machine I knew I shouldn't have had that chimichanga.
I have to you know - Hnn-hnn? - Fft-fft.
Oh.
Go for it.
There's guys here.
They'll never think it was you.
I think that blonde girl just farted.
- Remember that, Elliot? - Yeah, I remember.
Ha-ha.
Those two new nurses have wonderful breasts.
Hey! They have names.
Tina, Marge, Sloppy and Mr.
Snuggles.
Sloppy's bigger than Mr.
Snuggles.
- What are you guys talking about? - Oh, we were just Guess they all had someplace to be.
- Just go! - OK! Hey! If you feel like talking, I've got a dandy conversation starter.
I have had someone else's fingers in four, count 'em, four, different orifices today.
Oh, must be your birthday.
OK, gang, I'll meet you up in Radiology to talk about Mr.
Heath's CAT scan.
His tumor's getting so big, it's starting to look like a "threemor"! Not funny.
Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern? Yes.
And you're a terrible teacher.
I'm not prepared to operate on anyone.
Whatever.
If it wasn't funny, why did they all laugh? Wake up and smell the urinal I haven't cleaned in years! Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them.
I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.
I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-Freud.
Yeah! I was gonna be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.
That's funny.
You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was fowl! I know.
You get it now? Your relationship with your interns is a sham.
That dog just laughed at a pun.
Ooh, not gonna lie to you, that hurts.
- Tell me about your kid.
- Oh, how'd you know I was a mom? As a parent, I can read the signs, you know? Let us not forget the understated coffee mug we're carrying.
Oh.
- How do I know that guy? - Maybe you used to date him? Oh, that's so clever.
I'm gay.
Wow, that's good.
I'm tired.
Maybe he is from the International Pretentious Association, and he's here to remove your goatee.
What do you have, a boy or a girl? I have a little girl.
I don't get to see her often enough.
See, I don't know, a few years ago I had a little business problem.
- What was your business? - Import-export.
Import heroin into my bloodstream, I would export vomit and urine into whatever alley would have me as a guest.
Sorry, that's a little smile I get when I'm silently judging someone.
The thing is, it's Jenny's sixth birthday on Monday, and I'm not really sure that I can fly out and make it.
It's it's hard to get a job, you know? Money's tight, I've got hospital bills that I can't pay.
- Sam, I am so sorry.
- Yeah I know who he is! - One little problem - Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs! For God's sake, I've been working you from every angle! That's the junkie who conned Elliot into giving him meds! It just got interesting, people! The Janitor was wrong.
My interns weren't laughing at my jokes because I'm their boss! It made me think about how some people don't wanna just open the door, walk in and see the truth.
Why did you come here, Carla? You're mad at me? Why didn't you want me to come to your job? Hey, Bankfarter! If you want, we're all going down for lunch.
You tell me.
After all, the truth can reveal the ugliest part of people.
That guy has conned damn near everyone in this hospital.
We've gotta warn her.
Jordan! Whoa! She wanted to work here.
Let her see what it's like to work here! And for God's sake, will you be a man?! As for me, I already knew exactly what the truth was.
Plus, my best friend was always around to back me up.
How funny is this joke? That patient's tumor is so big, it's starting to look like a "threemor.
" "Threemor"! You are hilarious, Dr.
D! Awful.
Awful! Awful.
OK, be cool.
They're just kids.
Except Gloria.
What is her deal? OK, guys, let's talk for a second as equals.
All right? Seriously, I'm taking off my stethoscope and my little name tag.
- I'm not a doctor right now.
- You're still wearing scrubs.
We are in a hospital, man.
OK, we're off the property.
Now let's talk.
- Shouldn't we wait for Gloria? - Coming! We'll catch her up later.
Have you guys been fake-laughing at my jokes? Be honest.
I promise, absolutely no ramifications.
We've been kind of fake-laughing.
I hope you die a violent death and bugs eat your corpse.
Look, your jokes kind of suck, and when I laugh, you pick me to do procedures.
Unbelievable.
From now on, there is absolutely no laughing at my jokes unless they're particularly hysterical.
Talk about your Mission: Impossibles.
Case closed.
What is it with you and costumes? I borrowed it from my brother.
He's a stripper.
- I'm I'm here! - Gloria Look, Carla, I didn't want you to come here because, well Look, there's so much great about you.
You're smart, you're loyal, you've shattered my preconceived notions about Chicanos! Elliot, bring it.
You're a bit of a gossip.
So? I'm interested in people's stories! Thanks to you, for the rest of my career I have the worst nickname! Bankfarter's not so bad.
It sounds German.
Hey, Bankfarter, did you hear? Charlie found a successful gene therapy for O.
I.
He basically cured the disease.
How did he have time when he was torturing me? Jealousy's an ugly color, Bankfarter.
Anyway, we're discontinuing your fellowship.
Frick.
Frick, frick, frick, frick, frickety-frick-frick-frick.
Frick I'm not sure how people go about doing nice things but here.
You should be there for your daughter's birthday.
I can't take that.
Come on.
I can't even Botox an ear with this.
Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy.
He leads off with the chin quiver.
Then he goes right to the look-away.
He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain! And then finally, he squeezes out one single tear.
Ladies and gentlemen, that is quality Crack Addict Theater! I can't watch this.
Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.
This is a little trust exercise that I really think's gonna connect us again.
Remove your blindfolds, please.
See your death.
See your death.
See your death.
Keith.
Don't worry, buddy, we're cool.
- Really? - No! See your death! No! But I looked up to you! Hey! Why don't you guys go upstairs and do some work? And for God sakes, will somebody wake up Gloria? OK, enough waving.
You wave too much.
You abuse waving.
Go.
There it is, just like I said.
I can feel your hatred like a cool spring breeze.
Ahh.
Gloria - I can't believe I don't have a job! - Is that even yours? I need your support right now, Carla! Carla, you cannot tell Turk and J.
D.
about this until I get back on my feet.
Why? They'll feel bad for you.
No, they'll be merciless.
Seriously, if you tell, I will never trust you again with anything.
- Where've you been? - Nowhere! - What're you doing? - Nothing! - How's Blonde Doctor? - Jeez! - What's the dish? - I gotta go.
- Hey! - ¡No hablo inglés! My God, you got that saliva on your lip that says you know something juicy! - No, I don't.
- Here it comes! Yes! - Oh, OK, here's the scoop! - Yes, here is the scoop, indeed.
- You gotta promise not to tell.
- I know.
Sam? What are you doing back here? Hey, lamb chop.
Crazy story.
I was I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive.
I'd hug you, but I ahh, you know.
Jordan.
This is one of our most famous con artist/drug addicts.
- Nice to see you, sir.
- You as well.
Turkelton? You've dealt with him before.
- Hey, dude.
- Why didn't you tell her? 'Cause he told me not to! - This is gonna cost you.
- Get off my back, I'm not in the mood.
Oh! Say it again! Get off my back, I'm not in the mood? That's what she said! Zoom, zoom, zoom! OK, I'm sure you know about it.
Go ahead, take your shots.
You've got bug eyes.
Because you dye your mustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone.
That's all that you have to say? Excuse us.
- Oh, my God! You kept a secret! - I know! I almost told them, but I didn't because I love you.
I love you too! Oh! I I had to tell Turk something, so you smoke a pipe now.
Ah.
Coolio! - What's wrong? - Well We were gonna do Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor Has a Fresca, but Turk got on my case about my interns! He's mad because they're sucking up.
I was sayin', "That's the same thing you did with Dr.
Cox.
" Know what? Put our right hand in front of your face.
Now talk to it! J.
D.
, he's right.
If you want to be a jerk attending too, go ahead.
Don't do it because they resent you.
Not fair.
Dude, get up.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
As I went to the men's room, praying he only had to go onesies, I thought about the different methods people use to teach.
I wasn't sure if you wanted to give him more money or skip the middleman and actually give him narcotics.
So I went ahead and brought your ATM card and a heroin sandwich.
It's not heroin, it's smoked turkey.
You thought if you made me look like a fool, I'd quit? So, Jordan, I heard Sam got you.
Don't worry, he totally suckered me once.
When I first started, I lent my car to a patient to go pick up her kids.
Last time I ever saw that IROC.
Remember that patient who stole your identity? Darryl! He's cool.
From now on, he's only gonna use my credit card for emergencies.
It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Oh, my God! You actually did something nice for me! No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It was a selfish act.
If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me! Cute.
I think it's always easier to be a jerk than a good guy.
Did we do something wrong, Dr.
Dorian? You guys are fine.
You're doing a good job.
Still, good guy or not, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy the perks.
You know what, I want the laughter back! And you know what, I liked it when you waved.
That was nice.
Why don't all of you just wave! All right.
You can deal with anything, as long as you have a group of friends around to go through it all with you.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? I can't imagine what it would be like if I were all on my own.
Excuse me, can I please borrow your "Help Wanted" section? Thank you!