Scrubs s05e18 Episode Script

Oh, what a cutie.
Where'd this little guy come from? Doug found him in some dead guy's colon.
Ugh! Hey, little guy.
Doug's still pretty upset about the whole thing.
Why would he live in there? Diseased rodents shouldn't be nowhere near my pregnant princess.
Carla being pregnant changed everyone.
It made Dr.
Kelso softer.
Oh, I think the children in Pediatrics would love this little fella.
Carla's pregnancy also affected Elliot.
OK, so we're both off in a few minutes.
Here's what's gonna happen.
- We're heading back to my place.
- Oh, yeah? I'm gonna put on something very naughty.
Awesome.
We'll have sex and pretend we aren't using protection to make a baby.
- Un-awesome.
- Keith, we're doing this.
I need it.
As for me, I bought a custom-made Italian suit.
Huh? What do you think? I had it made for the christening.
That little mixed-race embryo got a godfather yet? J.
D.
, that's something we have to discuss as a couple.
You know what? I'm not sure that suit works on you.
Thanks for your opinion, Carla.
But I'm much more interested in what you all think.
- We don't love it.
- Well, who cares, Lonnie? Because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it.
For the last time, it's Americo.
And of course I love it.
I made it.
He's a dynamite tailor.
Not sure why he's here.
You better put your scrubs on.
Herbert's back.
How you doing? Due to his weight, Herbert was a frequent visitor.
No one liked treating him.
It wasn't a mean thing.
See, with big people, even the simple stuff is more difficult.
I didn't mind, because Herbie was my man.
- How you feeling, Love Bug? - Fully loaded.
Hey, it's time for my sponge bath, right? - I'll need three girls.
- Herbie, it's not a bathhouse.
We'll get those bandages off later today, Mr.
Brooks, all right? - Uh-huh.
- OK, as you all know, Sacred Heart is dealing with a mountain of malpractice lawsuits courtesy of bumbling interns, clueless doctors and hack surgeons, or as I like to refer to them, you people.
Since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you will help go through claims, decipher medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny peanut brain.
How many times did I insult you during that? I was shooting for five.
Only three, unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult.
But my mom calls me that, and she loves me, right? No, Ted.
She hates you.
Four.
Since Ted has no life, and that's five, I'll let him select his very own victim.
Ted.
- I'll take Claire! - Oh, God.
You turned me down 14 times for drinks.
Well, who's the creepy loser now, huh? And just like that, I had the chance to comfort Claire.
You look like you need to be rescued.
Life was good.
But then came a surprise visit from my brother and a round of the game he likes to call Watch Her Leave.
There's no easy way to say this.
We got the crabs.
Wow, she was cute.
- Yes, she was, Dan.
Thank you.
- Welcome.
We'll be right back.
- Was he talking to us? - Don't know, don't care.
Here, take this.
# I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # I'm no Superman # So, Dan, to what do we owe this something.
I had to blow out of town.
Mom doinked her new boyfriend and guilted him into getting me an interview.
Well, Mom does what she has to do.
Why do I need a full-time job? I got a sweet setup at home.
I got a sweet pad in Mom's attic, driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon, and because I'm the senior bartender at KJ's, I take home half the extra chicken wings.
Thank you.
Dan, do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's all not some crazy dream? That does not count as a formal hello, Coxsmith.
- Don't call him Coxsmith.
- I call him Coxsmith.
- So, what's new around here? - Carla's pregnant.
Dude, bummer.
- No, we're trying to have kids.
- Oh, congratulations.
That's great.
I'm not really a big kid person.
Are you guys totally freaking out? No.
And they weren't.
They were taking it all in stride.
Here's how I think we should name our baby.
It's what my parents did.
If it's a girl, I get to pick the name.
- If it's a boy, you pick the name.
- OK.
I like Angie for a girl.
And if it's a boy, say hello to Fu-Kwon.
What's up! Maybe we should pick the names together.
OK.
'Cause I was thinking, you know, for a girl Sweetie, we already have the girl's name.
Now, for the boy, why not name him after your cousin? Tiger? I'm begging you to stop telling people that.
No one believes you.
Well, tell that to the last two women I slept with before you, OK? She-boing, boing.
That Oh, God! I'm talking about your other cousin, George.
- I like that.
- Yeah.
George and Angie.
All right.
If you mention the names to anyone, they'll ruin them for us, so don't tell anyone, OK? No one.
What's up, my negro amigo? Nothing.
I can't figure out what's going on with Herbert.
He's got acute back pain, but no causa equina signs.
If we have a girl, we're gonna name her Angie.
Hey, boys.
Hey, Chris, if there was a test to see if your baby was gay, would you do it? Oh, sweetie, he's Extremely.
Yes.
And I'm OK with it.
Anyway, Elliot wasn't in the lab.
Oh, she's at home.
I'll be done in a couple of seconds and we'll find her.
OK.
- Herbert.
- Keep it cool, man.
Dan train.
Whoo-whoo! - Thanks a lot.
- What? That Dan train used to hook up with Elliot.
- So? - So? Your boy J.
D.
's been telling him Elliot still likes him.
Doctor-patient confidentiality goes both ways, Mr.
I Prefer My Temperature Taken Through the Back Door.
What? I mean, it tickles.
Look, Dan doesn't exactly have the world by the tail, OK? Every time he calls me depressed, the only thing I could think of to cheer him up was to say, "Elliot still digs you.
" I'm trying to find a way to make him feel good about himself.
If we have a boy, we'll name him George.
What about Tiger? Hey, man, where'd your brother go, anyway? Oh, boy.
Call Elliot.
No, call Elliot.
No.
No Call Elliot.
Got her.
We don't want any distractions while we're trying to make a baby.
OK, you gotta stop saying that.
We're role-playing.
This is not real.
Let's just do this.
All right.
Promise me you'll hold me like this when I push your baby out my bajingo.
- I'm putting on a third condom.
- Keith! What? No, I'm not gonna act like I want to bone your brother.
I'm telling him the truth.
Hey, Elliot is wearing lingerie.
Hey, Dan.
J.
D.
told me you were coming.
Um, this is Keith.
I'm sure you're a little disappointed.
Yeah, I'm in.
- I go first.
- Um Elliot, you have to ask me about things like this.
And that is the father of my fake baby.
- Honey.
- Ugh.
I gotta go to Jack's preschool.
Apparently, Seymour was teasing him, so he punched him in the face.
- Do Seymour's parents have to go? - I doubt it.
They're turtles.
Count yourself lucky.
My son sent me a picture of himself sitting on the lap of his new boyfriend, Winston.
Oh! Why are they dressed up as Tonto and the Lone Ranger? I'd like to say they're going to a costume party, but those are jammies.
Look at the bright side.
He's like the daughter you never had, only gay and unsuccessful.
Tell me about it.
So funny, the way kids are, isn't it? You never know how it's gonna go.
Now that Dan knew Elliot wasn't into him, my focus had shifted from keeping him away from her to avoiding him so he doesn't kill me.
Hey, Mr.
Brooks.
Let's get these bandages off you, huh? What are you doing? Mr.
Brooks wanted safety tips on operating propane heaters.
As long as you're not my brother.
I had a brother once.
Well, he's still my brother.
My parents adopted him when I was about 12.
He was about 46.
Actually older than my parents.
His name was Clete and he talked like this, "How's it going?" Good kid.
Did what they said.
Make the bed, mop the floor, sweep the lawn, whatever.
Everything was good till his 50s and, wow, did he have a midlife crisis.
Him and my dad fought constantly.
I mean physically beating on each other.
But I don't blame him for it.
I blame my mom for sleeping with him.
- That's just out of line.
- Yeah.
The reason I'm telling you this is your brother told me if I keep you focused on me, he would let me watch.
Watch what? - Hey, little brother.
- Ahh! I can't believe they're playing with that butt hamster.
That is disgusting.
It's my turn to hold Angie.
What did she call that thing? - Uh, baby, we should go.
- Uh Where'd you come up with that name? I guess I could help you name her.
Let's see.
It's a girl hamster.
What about Angie? - I love it! - Me too.
Angie, guys? - Yeah! - Angie, it is! - Hold his arms.
- Wait! Turk, it was an accident, OK? - The name just popped into my head! - Shut up! You just shut up right now! Pink belly.
No! Turk! Unfortunately, Turk was the greatest pink-bellier in all the land.
You know, Bobbo, I find you less repugnant as of late.
I'm developing a begrudging indifference to you.
You're so edgy and cantankerous.
You're like House without the limp.
I've decided this project is over the head of that pretty lady, so Dr.
Cox will be replacing her.
That was the longest three hours of my life.
Call me.
Tell you what she's not good at.
Staring contests.
- Why, Bob? - Why the hell not? So how are you doing with your diet? The best I can do, man.
How's your tummy? Turk was so proud of his handiwork that he signed it.
He knows it's so painful I won't be able to wash it for some time.
- I mean, are you all two OK? - Actually, we were.
The way the whole brother thing works, now that Dan had beaten me up, it was all over.
- Why'd you lie to me about Elliot? - Or not.
Oh, come on, man.
A girl like Elliot could never really be into somebody like you.
- Why wouldn't she? - The obvious response was Elliot was looking for a guy with more going on in life.
And the only way to gently break that to my brother was this: Elliot wants to have kids right now and she knows you're not ready.
Oh! Bummer.
Don't worry about it, man.
He bought it.
It's cool.
I have to talk to Elliot before my brother Dan does.
Your back pain may involve your spinal cord, so we need to get you an MRI.
Now where is my pen? Elliot! Elliot! What's up, J.
D.
? My brother's on his way up.
The only reason you don't wanna be with him is 'cause he doesn't want kids now.
J.
D.
, just tell him the truth.
Last time I was honest with Dan about his life, it made him feel like crap.
We didn't talk until our dad died.
Do you really want me to do that? I'm not sure what would get us back together.
Dad can't die again.
What's going on, guys? I'm not having a staring contest with you, Ted.
OK, one-nothing, me.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
OK, back to work.
This next patient claims their stent was implanted incorrectly.
What's a stent? A tube that holds arteries open.
All right.
And what's a Buckland? That's a hairless growth never found on women.
Weird.
It's your last name, Ted.
Good one.
- So you got the baby fever, huh? - Yep.
Hopefully I'm pregnant with Keith's child.
Oh, come on! I'm 25! I haven't even been to Europe! - Keith, wait! - No! I got a good feeling about those two.
Well, I'm off.
- All right.
Say hi to Mom for me.
- Yep.
Get my stuff.
And like that, he was gone.
You know what name I've always liked for a girl? Honor.
Turk, you know how mean boys are.
They'd be all like, "I got on her.
Did you get on her?" Yeah, everybody got on her 'cause she's easy.
- That's your daughter.
- Yes, it is.
It's just weird.
Angie was perfect.
Now nothing seems as good.
- What you got there, sir? - Dead hamster.
Angie's dead? - Baby, we got our name back! - Yeah! If no one's officially called dibs Take it, freak.
What? I'm making a hamster vest for one of my squirrels.
What's going on? I love you too, dumpling, but I have to work late.
I'll make it up to you this weekend.
Ted's on the phone with his mom, so we're taking a five.
Why? - Why is Kelso doing this to me? - Well, you know.
I don't.
All I remember is that we were both making fun of our kids, and then bam, he stuck me with Ted.
No, no.
You made fun of your kid, he made fun of his kid, and then you made fun of his kid.
Don't you get it? You can never say bad things about someone else's kid.
Ever.
Mom, if you can't reach that spot with the lotion, I'll get it for you when I get home late tonight.
OK, kisses.
- You ready to get back in there? - Yeah.
Gotta vomit first.
OK.
OK, guys, let's all gather around.
Huddle up.
Now, you guys, Herbert in there needs an MRI, but he won't fit.
Anybody know what we should do? Nobody wanted to say it, but sometimes when hospitals have Herbert-sized patients, they'll send them to the one place that has MRI machines big enough.
The zoo.
I know what you're all thinking, but I'm not gonna do that.
It's too humiliating.
You're too big for our MRI machine so we're gonna have to take you to the zoo.
Damn.
Well, that sucks.
You brought this on yourself, didn't you? Man.
Why do you hate Herbert? He's been in here seven times for weight problems.
He's never tried to get healthier.
Sometimes, protecting feelings isn't the best way.
Spare me the tough love speech.
You really think being mean to Herbert will cause him to turn his life around? Probably not.
But as long as I'm trying to get him to change, then I can sleep at night.
When you think about your brother later, how are you gonna sleep? - Angie and George, wow.
- Hmm.
- You know what's weird? - Hmm? Now that they have names, everything seems so real.
I can see George's smile.
And I can see Angie having your curly hair.
I hope she doesn't have my ear infections.
I was really sick as a baby.
I was a climber.
Our windows don't have bars.
George can fall into the alley.
What if George doesn't love me? What if Angie stops breathing in her sleep? Why'd we have to pick names? I hate it when things get real! When I was in high school, I had a shop teacher named George who hated black people.
There was a prostitute at my town mall named Angie.
- Those names are out.
- Yeah, they're out! - And we don't need new ones.
- Not for nine months.
- I'm ready for bed.
- Me too.
Hey, Bob, you got a minute? If you killed Ted, I don't wanna know.
Just make sure it's not traceable.
That's not why I'm here.
But it's good to know.
Look, uh I wanted to apologize for what I said about your son.
Well, he hasn't turned out exactly as I'd planned.
I always imagined we'd spend his Where did you spend it? On 42nd Street, camped out for Ain't Misbehavin'tickets.
He's a good kid, though.
Tell me about him.
He is a good kid.
He's always been a good kid.
First time I knew we weren't on the same page was when he took up knitting.
Knitting? I thought he was gonna learn how to tie knots.
- Hey, Dan.
- Hey, Johnny.
Just packing up.
I thought you had to work.
I wanted to talk to you about something.
Yeah, what's up? Elliot doesn't want to have babies with Keith.
Oh.
Tough break for Keith.
I almost had a threesome with that guy.
When I said Elliot would never be into a guy like you, it's because you're a 35-year-old bartender who still lives in our mother's attic and is showing no signs of changing.
I'm not saying this to make you feel bad.
I think you have the potential to do whatever you want to do with your life.
But you have to actually try.
And then I got the answer I expected.
Don't you have to get back to work? Even though I knew he wasn't gonna change, Elliot was right.
It's about what helps you sleep.
Who are we kidding? This is so real now, there's no way we can sleep.
Whether it's a strong sense of denial or the fact that you love your son.
As for me, I was just happy to get some rest.
Hey.
Hey, Johnny.
You cool if I borrow this suit? I figured I might wear it to that job interview.
You know what, man? You might as well just keep it.
Yeah, I'll keep it.
You You think anyone would ever really hire me? I think you can do whatever you want to do.
Take it easy, little brother.