Scrubs s08e03 Episode Script

J.
D.
: With all the bureaucracy in a hospital, sometimes you have to bend the rules to help a patient.
Unfortunately, the new Chief of Medicine didn't like it.
And she was everywhere.
Patient rooms - What'cha doing, rock star? - Nothing, I'm just doodling.
That's not right.
work stations You need to wear a bell.
even the O.
R.
Thanks for letting me observe, fellows.
Come on.
You got five more surgeries today.
Tumor's down by his bean bags.
We should probably take that out.
It's like, all of a sudden, this hospital is a police state.
I mean, next thing you know, they're going to be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop.
They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.
Really? Then why does Johann always let me Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.
Aah! That's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.
Elliot, I'm trying to talk to you about Maddox and how we can't work the system anymore.
Correction.
You can't work the system anymore.
I can.
For instance, I just got Mr.
Tillman back there into a clinical trial that has a cut-off age of 30.
He's actually 35.
But if anyone asks, Mr.
Tillman, you are how old? Thirty-five.
I forgot to mention that it is a clinical trial for head injuries.
He hurt his head.
The point is that I'm still able to give top-notch care to my patients, - whereas you are not.
- Thirty-five.
You know why? I am a much, much better doctor than you.
Ooh! Look at that big lollipop.
I wouldn't know whether to lick it or whether to just lift up my skirt and spank myself with it.
- Elliot! - It's free candy! Dr.
Reid, I thought you gave a great endocrinology lecture today.
Even though some of the other interns think you go off on personal tangents too much.
- Who? - I shouldn't say.
Denise.
Anyway, I was hoping you could assign me some more interesting procedures.
Rein it in, Katie.
Just go place a central line on Mr.
Clark.
Thanks.
Wow! The butt-kissing isn't even the worst part.
I feel like Katie will do anything to get ahead, you know? I'm this close to freezing her out.
Just like I did Dr.
Simmons.
Yeah, what's your deal with her? Hello, she wears the exact same thing as me every day.
- Yeah, we're talking about you, skank.
- Nice dress.
Veronica, I have no idea how you're doing this, but I will find out.
- MR.
TILLMAN: Thirty-five.
- Hi, Mr.
Tillman.
You ready to go to work? Hello, Mr.
Rosell.
You can call me Pat.
This is my daughter, Christine.
So, Pat, I understand that you have multiple sclerosis and you're interested in being put on interferon.
I held off as long as I could, but now the hand spasms and the nausea are pretty bad.
Plus, I'm color blind.
Well, we're gonna go run a whole bunch of tests.
J.
D.
: And get some coffee.
Damn it! Now I have to go change.
So how you holding up? Cleaning's an art.
My mop was my paintbrush.
J.
D.
: Oh, no.
It's the first time I've seen the Janitor since he was fired.
I have to seem like I care.
Think of the saddest thing you can.
Turk's dead.
Turk's dead.
Turk's dead.
Turk's Oh, my God, what if something really happened to him? I'd be lost.
Stop thinking like that.
Turk's fine.
Turk's fine.
Turk's fine.
Turk's fine.
Turk's fine.
J.
D.
, the Janitor got fired.
No, it's okay.
He knows.
He just doesn't care.
See, in his mind, I'm the bad guy in our relationship.
Even though, if he stopped to think about it for a minute he would realize I never did a thing to him that he didn't deserve.
- You locked me in a water tower.
- You wrote on the wall.
- You destroyed my scooter, Sasha.
- You know I hate Wednesdays.
You haunted my pediatric patients.
You didn't wear the shorts that my imaginary wife made for you.
Janitor, I just heard, I'm so sorry.
What? What's up? Oh, come on.
How's that even possible? I can't do this all on my own No, I know I'm no Superman I'm no Superman MR.
TILLMAN: Thirty-five.
Hey, thanks for placing that central line for me.
I'm just still not great at the procedure, you know? Look at you.
Watching over the I.
C.
U.
Like a proud lioness looking out over her jungle.
Elliot, stop.
Oh, my God! That wasn't a real "stop," that was a "keep going because I'm actually loving this" stop.
- Wasn't it? - Maybe.
I've never gotten one of these before.
This is so exciting.
I'm gonna leave before I ruin it.
- Great job on Mr.
Clark's central line.
- Thanks.
It was super easy.
Okay, Mr.
Rosell, let's get you on some interferon.
So it can start interfering with that pesky MS of yours.
Are you making fun of my multiple sclerosis? Sorry, I was just trying to lighten the moment, it won't happen again, I promise.
J.
D.
: Interferon sounds like the name of a robot that always gets in the way.
So we brought you some pills for your pain and your nausea.
Dr.
Dorian? - J.
D! Pills.
- Right.
Pills.
Take the red one now for the pain.
- Mr.
Rosell took the red pill.
- Yeah, we told him to.
If he can't see colors, how did he know which one was red? He's just another addict scamming us for meds.
Frick on a stick.
Looking for something? Yes, my cloak of invisibility, so that I can avoid conversations with soulless dictators such as yourself.
Unfortunately, it's really hard to find because, as the name suggests, it's invisible.
All right, Dr.
Cox.
Ridiculous name by the way.
If you're looking for your patient, Mr.
Tillman, my guess is he's probably on a bus somewhere screaming "35!" See, I bounced him from his head trauma trial because I learned that somebody was lying about his age.
Hmm.
See you.
I got to get rid of this Maddox.
Honest to God, she is Why aren't you listening to me? Because of that.
- That scone looks good.
- Oh, yeah? We should have sex later.
How did you get from that image to that thought? I'll tell you tonight.
Just bring home a scone and a Hawaiian shirt.
Mama's heating up.
Donny! Do my free muffins for life include scones? - Nope.
- Damn you, God.
I'm getting rid of Maddox.
Who's in? I'm in.
Ever since she fired me, I've been moping around my apartment making barking sounds.
I'm not crazy.
I just need some human interaction and the barking makes the neighbors yell "shut that damn thing up!" Then I can go over there with a bottle of Scotch and apologize for Rusty, my imaginary Akita.
The only downside is that by the time Lady, my girlfriend, gets home, I'm too drunk to talk to her, much less make love.
You've never pictured me as an organism that has sex, have you? - We have not.
- No.
- I understand.
- Is Dr.
Maddox really that bad? She's like you, only smart and on the ball.
That must suck.
- What? - Admit it.
You miss having me as the Chief of Medicine.
Bob, I'll gladly admit to anything that's true, no matter how embarrassing.
For example, I've always wished that I could carry a child inside of me and, you know, birth it.
But I'll never admit to missing you, Bob.
Ever.
Rusty.
Heel.
Donny, I'm going to need the double-chocolate blaster as a pick-me-up.
Maybe another.
Hello, girls.
Come on, sit down, Katie, sit down.
It's time to set you straight.
We better do it fast, because, man, you're annoying.
Why do you think you can talk to me like this? You're just a nurse.
Okay, A, I'm a lioness.
B, who the hell do you think runs this place? The nursing staff has already turned on you.
Why do you think you were assigned I don't care.
I'm good at it.
Plus, this morning I found a silver dollar.
Everyone's on to you, missy.
Pretty soon, you're gonna get called out.
You're lying to us.
You took the red pill.
You can see colors.
You know, I am sick and tired of lowlifes like you trying to come here and score pain medication off of us, okay.
You make us care.
And then because you're worried we're gonna see through your little plan, you don't even laugh at our jokes.
Actually, the interferon joke was sort of funny.
You're damn right it was, Pat, okay? Well, this time, no one's getting off easy.
My cousin is a cop.
And not a good cop either, a rogue cop.
- Christine, it's you, isn't it? - Hold on, hold on, Elliot.
You ever watch The Shield, Pat? Do you happen to get FX, Pat? Because you're gonna get Michael Chiklised in the head.
He's the orange guy in Fantastic Four, that's coming down on you.
J.
D.
, look at her hand.
It's in spasm.
You're the one with the MS.
Right? I don't have any insurance and my dad just thought that since he did Look, we'll go, all right? If you could just not tell anyone, we'd be very grateful.
J.
D.
: Elliot and I knew what we had to do.
Okay, Pat.
You have MS and you're not leaving here until you get your medication.
Thank you.
Do you know how grateful people would be if you showed them even a little common decency? Please, this place is so competitive.
No one looks out for each other here.
Yeah.
This Maddox is so damn sketchy, I guarantee you we'll find something in these files.
Hurry, up man.
I don't want to get busted.
Now, listen there, Grape Ape, I only invited you to help me because it never dawned on me that you'd get all panicky over a little breaking and entering.
Actually, I'm not.
See, this stuff has become so mundane to me that I've created a character who's terrified about going back to prison.
And through him, I hope to feel, once again, the old rush.
You carry on.
Good.
'Cause I can't go back there, man.
Not after what they did to Johnny.
Oh, Johnny.
He was the best.
I wish you'd known him.
Those guards worked him over good.
They shanked him with a shiv.
And they shivved him with a shank.
Over a pack of smokes.
Johnny, you were too beautiful for this world, man.
Hope you're king of the next.
Johnny! Johnny! Hey, guys.
Listen, I popped in here earlier and noticed not Mr.
Rosell but his daughter showing signs of MS.
They were lying to get her the drugs.
Can you believe it? - I'm angry.
I want to shake these things.
- Hard.
Anyway, I played the bad guy for you and I tossed them out.
I love playing the bad guy.
I'd even wear black scrubs if they made them.
Do you even know what people are calling you around here? I know I don't care.
Because I wrote the worst one on this piece of paper.
"Sausages, sausages, and more sausages"? That's actually Turk's grocery list.
But you do care, don't you? Katie, if you keep going down this road, eventually people will come after you.
Hey, you! How do you think the Board would feel if I could show them proof that you're on the take from a medical supply company? I'm guessing they'd be thrilled since I'm rolling that money back into the hospital's budget.
Please.
Stop handcuffing us.
You're making it impossible for us to help our patients.
Does anybody else feel that way? Great, now I don't have to tell you each individually that I don't give a rat's hairy ass.
It's a huge time-saver.
Thanks, gang.
And eventually, Katie, everyone here is going to hate you.
Look, Carla, I appreciate this whole mother hen thing - Lioness.
- Lioness thing that you've got going on here.
But I don't need your help.
Look.
I know you think you're fine on your own, but in order to survive here you need to surround yourself with friends.
Look over there.
I can count on three out of four of those people.
I trust them with all my secrets.
You guys, Carla had the nastiest sex dream about that cafeteria lady.
Watch how uncomfortable she gets.
- Nice earrings.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
How are we gonna get rid of Maddox? Janitor, would you like to get your useless ideas out of the way first? Well, thank you, Perry.
Off the top of my head I'd go reindeer stampede.
Astronaut attack.
Barbed wire chandelier.
Photoshop.
Poisonous sushi.
When you said "Photoshop," did you mean use Photoshop to create an incriminating picture? No, I meant we build an actual photo shop.
Or a chain of photo shops.
We each manage one.
We let time pass.
Eventually Maddox has to have her film developed.
She comes in, we all hop out, yell, "Surprise" and beat her to death with pool cues.
I'm going to go ahead and apologize, because it's my fault that we're backtracking.
It's okay.
I'm not mad.
You guys, let's face it.
Maddox is untouchable.
J.
D.
: Not true.
I know how to get rid of any woman.
Dr.
Maddox, I love you.
Excuse me for just a second.
Where are you going? I'm telling you that I love you.
I Okay.
J.
D.
: Too mean, psyche.
Admittedly, getting rid of Maddox is a Board issue.
But, as you all know, I recently retired to become a full-time mom.
J.
D.
: Crap.
We forgot Jordan's retirement party last week.
I hope we weren't the only ones.
- I really should have gone to your party.
- You think? Afternoon power walk coming through.
Why don't you guys just get him to help you? He has so much dirt on all the Board members they'll do whatever you want.
She's right, Perry.
Let's roll.
Big Cat? I need you.
If you come with me to Dr.
Kelso, I won't talk to you.
There it is.
Hey, Johann.
Give me some chocolate.
Johann, you slut! These puppies? They pay for themselves.
- Katie, what you don't realize - What are we doing here? - Are you setting her straight? - I'm trying to.
- Look, Katie, what you don't realize - May I cut in? Go ahead.
My rules for getting by here are the same as my rules for getting by in Mexico.
One, don't drink the water.
Two, party till you drop.
Three, everything is negotiable.
So you want me to go coerce the Board into firing Dr.
Maddox.
I'll tell you what, I'll think about it over a muffin.
- Donny.
- Dude.
We need an answer now, Bob.
Fine.
I'll do it.
If you tell me you miss having me as Chief.
- So much, sir.
- So much.
I missed your smell.
Not you two.
Him.
You know, you hurt my feelings earlier.
In my defense, you are a soulless creature from the netherworld who doesn't really have feelings.
Thank you, Donny, but I'll fight my own battles.
You want Maddox gone, just tell me you miss me.
Fine.
But I can't do it in front of people.
Everybody out.
Go! Actually, I think I'm going to need Dr.
Reid and Dr.
Dorian here to bear witness.
Barbie, Newbie.
Back in.
Calm down.
There's like 23 people back in that supply closet.
J.
D.
: And then we saw something amazing.
Dr.
Cox said something nice to Dr.
Kelso.
When you were the Chief, you were a jackass and a nightmare and I hated you a great deal.
That's a good start.
But I always sensed, well, I always sensed that you were burdened by the job and it wasn't necessarily who you were as a person.
And, every once in a while, you showed a shred of humanity, plus you did manage to look the other way a couple times.
That was pretty good.
So, for all that stuff, Bob, yeah, I miss you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Everybody back.
Look, Katie, I've seen all kinds of people come through this place, tall, short, gay, straight, smart, weird.
The point is, this childish self-centered attitude you keep throwing everyone's way is nothing new.
You know what's really driving me crazy? You keep acting like you know me.
Don't bother with the sob story.
I've been here a long time.
I've heard it all before.
Really? Because my dad died when I was six, and to cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood.
No one ever did anything for me.
I've always had to do it for myself.
- Oh, Katie.
- I know.
Heard it! Me, dead mom.
J.
D.
, dead dad.
Elliot, emotionally abusive parents.
Dr.
Cox, emotionally and physically abusive dead parents, which he may have killed.
No one's sure.
Look, Katie, now that you're here, it doesn't matter what crap you have in your past.
All that matters is that you leave it there.
Because this hospital is your home now.
And these people are your family.
And I can tell you they will love you unconditionally if you let them.
But if you don't, they Check that.
We will eat you alive.
Hey, Frank! My favorite board member.
Say hi to your wife for me.
Oh Do you remember that trip we took to Thailand together? You still keep in touch with that hermaphrodite you nailed? What was his name? Lou.
J.
D.
: The rest was predictable.
They fired Maddox.
Oh! So this is where the party is.
It's okay.
Go on celebrating.
I don't care.
I mean, sure, I spent the last three months building a life here.
Buying a condo, finding a school for my kid, having sex with Mickhead.
That doesn't have to end, baby.
Oh, yes, it does, Walter.
You shouldn't have to strangle me to keep your erection.
I have needs.
Anyway, you all think that you've won, but they're just going to replace me with someone exactly like me.
Because nothing ever changes.
People don't change, relationships don't change, and the medical system will never change either.
But you guys, go ahead and have fun until the new me gets here.
It should be a great couple of days.
J.
D.
: And then poof! She was gone.
And I like to think we proved Maddox wrong those next few days.
We found a way to work around the system Thanks.
Here's the medicine, Mr.
Rosell.
I hope that helps.
A relationship evolved.
- Good morning, Bob.
- Perry.
It just goes to show you that with a little help, anything can change, even interns.
Dr.
Reid, I'm not the one that placed that central line the other day.
I just took credit for it.
- I'm not gonna do that anymore.
- Good.
Any chance you could show me how to place one of those things? Let's go.
And action.
Oh, man, those guys, the screws.
They worked him over good.
They shivved him with a shank, in the yard of the big house.
And they shanked him with a shiv.
Just 'cause he was up the river.
J-boy.
The big J.
I thought I saw him, man.
He's always in here.
Johnny.
Oh, Johnny.