Sealab 2021 (2000) s01e01 Episode Script
Radio Free Sealab
If you're looking for me.
You better check under the sea.
Cause that is where you'll find me.
Underneath the Sealab.
Underneath the water.
Sealab at the bottom of the sea.
Get some slack in this line! Danger.
Breach detected.
Danger.
Breach detected.
Controversy continued on Monday as surgeons successfully transplanted little Django's brain into a robot monkey body.
Scientists now say human to robot brain transplants will be possible within 10 years.
On a sad note however Django died late Tuesday after drinking his own urine.
Oh wait, this just in, uhm Sealab has sustained major damage from hurricane Meryl Uh, a collision with a service ship apparently Uhm, major leaks, implosion imminent.
Rescue impossible.
My god - Say Skip.
They're trapped down there.
- What do you think about all this robot stuff? Well, good lord, are we under attack? No.
That robot monkey on the news.
You're kidding? That guys is a robot monkey? No, but would you ever put your brain in a robot body? Why? I like my body.
Hmm, I love my body.
Ah, you'd never get old or sick.
Why is the alarm going off? Beats me.
But you know Skip You're robot body would be the perfect man.
Handsome, strong.
Wow, could my robot be a uhm beautiful woman? Uh, yeah sure.
Then you'd better believe I'd put my brain in a robot's body.
Robot's body? No way.
That goes against the natural order.
Ah you'd have the strength of five men.
I've got that now.
Not five men.
Five gorillas.
But, since you're that strong, if you'd try to pet a kitten you'd crush it.
Oh no, poor kitty.
Yeah.
Will I still have my rugged Latin features? You'd look exactly the same.
Not me.
I am going to be an Adrienne Barbeau bot.
Sir, please.
You'd look the same but you're only five feet tall.
Five feet? Why so short? Because, that's as big as they come.
Captain! There's a crack in the hull.
Pod 7 is flooding.
The Barbeau bot would weld that leak with her laser beam eyes.
You won't have laser beam eyes, okay? What about X-ray vision? Yeah, you'll have that.
Oh, I can't have laser beam eyes but he gets X-ray vision? Okay, everybody gets X-ray vision.
Yeah and big chainsaw hands.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Can I control Vvvrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Can I control my X-ray vision? So you could look through peoples clothes? Yeah, but I don't wanna see a bunch of bones and guts.
Just the ---.
Why else would you have it? Oh goodie, I am going to have robots eyeballing my ---? No, you'll have a - dammit! Hang on.
No, you'll have a cloaking device.
But you have to choose.
X-ray vision or that cloak thing.
Who needs X-ray vision? They'll beg to show the --- of my robot.
Oh wait.
Hello? We're flooding.
Oh yeah.
That.
Somebody go find doctor Quinn.
Michael? Hmm? Oh yeah.
Right! Right! The strength of five gorillas.
And X-ray vision.
But why so short? That's as big as they come.
I heard you.
But I can chew nails and shoot them out as bullets, right? Nails, chains, You won't have titanium teeth for nothing.
Nails are like candy to robots.
And we'll need tires instead of licorice.
Ugh, no we won't.
Maybe you won't.
Doctor Quinn, there's a major leak in pod 7.
Damn.
Alright, you seal it off, I'll get my laser pack and we'll meet - Hang on a sec Would you put your brain in a robot body? What!? - Cause we were talking upstairs you know.
Just kicking the old peanut around.
Man, I don't have time for this! Don't you hear that? Pod 7 is gonna implode! We have X-ray vision! And the strength of 5 gorillas! Pod 7.
Critical.
Okay, okay.
So say I put my brain in a robot body.
And there's a war.
Robots versus humans.
What side am I on? Humans.
You have a human brain.
But, the humans discriminate against you.
You can't even vote.
We'd better not have to live on a reservation.
That would really chap my caboose.
Yeah, but nobody knows you're a robot.
You look the same.
But dogs know.
That's how the humans hunt you.
They're gonna hunt me for sport? That's why we have to crush mankind.
So, you might as well get on board for the big win, Stormy.
They're yapping about putting their brains in a robot? Hey, what about the leak? Oh, Quinn will save us.
Quinn always saves us.
Stupid ---.
Damn! Coming up at ten, explosions rip through Sealab.
We'll have all the details plus chopper Dave.
Heeyooo! Hey! I have got a few conditions on this robot thing.
Holy crap! Did you see that freaking chopper explode? I'll only put my brain in a robot body if I can put it in a robot cat.
Uhm, okay.
But remember, you'll have the strength of 5 gorillas.
I know I saw that freaking chopper.
Why settle for a cat, Hesh? You could be a robot, mm, tiger.
Nononono, no.
Absolutamente no.
If I have to be a five feet nothing, Hesh can't be a tiger.
You're not the boss of Tiger bot Hesh.
Then he has to live in a robot zoo.
Hear that Hesh? The zoo.
Ha! Well, then Hesh will stay human.
Don't expect any mercy during the great robot wars.
Yeah? Well have fun on the robot reservations.
Suckers! We're not gonna honor those bogus treaties.
Hesh, will see you in he-- He's right.
They will screw us.
Danger.
Listen.
It's time to get serious.
Yeah, enough of this talk.
Let's kill the human.
You can't break Prime Directive Two.
So what are they going to do about it? Let's ask old Gus.
He'll know.
Danger.
Damn! We just lost pod 7.
Bridge? This is Quinn.
Come in.
The penalty - Come in! Pod 7 is gone! You've got to get everyone out of pod 6.
Aw, for the love of --- Sorry Gus.
The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years, frozen in carbonite! A thousand years frozen in carbonite? It will be so cold.
My nipples are hard just thinking about it.
Man, I'd kill myself! Hello? Prime Directive Three! Damned Prime Directives! I just don't know if I want to live a thousand years.
Even as an Adrienne Barbeau bot.
With hard nipples.
Plus, self-termination? Hey, I gotta tell you, it's a sin in the eyes of the robot church.
We don't need Rome telling us what to do! Wait, if we're robots we'll have mechanics.
They could shut us down, permanently! Nononono, your robot body would go crazy and kill them.
With the strength of five gorillas.
And then it's right back to the carbonite.
And there go my nipples again.
And there goes pod 6.
God, it's so depressing.
What? Pod 6 was jerks.
No, being trapped in carbonite.
Oh yeah, that.
But what if you get a brain tumor? Yeah, a big ass tumor! No, your robot body is a brain surgeon.
Aw, that's bunk.
It's not gonna be a brain surgeon.
If it can't break the five foot barrier it can't be a brain surgeon.
Yes it can.
If Hesh can be a giant tiger bot, what's a little - Hesh is gonna stay human.
He'll die in the first wave.
Unless he's a tiger bot already.
It could happen.
Danger.
Danger.
Almost died.
But I saved Sealab.
Time to get me some props.
Heyo, hey everybody! So check it out.
I know I've only got about what 30 seconds before pod 5 goes Yeah yeah yeah.
Hey, will my robot body have hair? Just on your back like you do now.
Gross! But wait, wait.
What's with robot sex? Yeah baby! Knocking those robot boots.
Go robot! Go robot! Hey hey hey, I almost died saving your sorry butts.
Except for pod 6 and 7.
Shut up.
Y'all make me sick.
All you ever talk about is robots.
Can they have hair? Can they have sex? The answer to these questions would quite possibly drive you all insane.
You don't have to bite my head off.
I am just asking.
Yeah, who died and made you robot expert? Aw, that's it.
Aaagh! Oh my god! Ay, madre mia! Jezus, he's a robot! That's right people.
I am a cyborg.
My weak body couldn't deal with the viruses of the 21st century.
So, using my IQ of 260, that's 2-6-oh, I built a superfly cybernetic host body for my brain and I became this bastard child of science and humanity.
And I am standing here naked, but I am not asking forgiveness.
And I don't want your pity! I just want your understanding, your acceptance.
I am just asking for your friendship.
Keep changing.
Each one, try whatever.
Okay.
And there go my nipples again.
Ooooh and there go my nipples again.
Uh, almost as if it's the number one, top movie in the country.
And, there go my nipples again!! Archie says "and there go my nipples again.
" Aw, there go my nipples again, there, Edith! Aw, man, allright we gotta get, we gotta go.
We gotta go.
Thank you!
You better check under the sea.
Cause that is where you'll find me.
Underneath the Sealab.
Underneath the water.
Sealab at the bottom of the sea.
Get some slack in this line! Danger.
Breach detected.
Danger.
Breach detected.
Controversy continued on Monday as surgeons successfully transplanted little Django's brain into a robot monkey body.
Scientists now say human to robot brain transplants will be possible within 10 years.
On a sad note however Django died late Tuesday after drinking his own urine.
Oh wait, this just in, uhm Sealab has sustained major damage from hurricane Meryl Uh, a collision with a service ship apparently Uhm, major leaks, implosion imminent.
Rescue impossible.
My god - Say Skip.
They're trapped down there.
- What do you think about all this robot stuff? Well, good lord, are we under attack? No.
That robot monkey on the news.
You're kidding? That guys is a robot monkey? No, but would you ever put your brain in a robot body? Why? I like my body.
Hmm, I love my body.
Ah, you'd never get old or sick.
Why is the alarm going off? Beats me.
But you know Skip You're robot body would be the perfect man.
Handsome, strong.
Wow, could my robot be a uhm beautiful woman? Uh, yeah sure.
Then you'd better believe I'd put my brain in a robot's body.
Robot's body? No way.
That goes against the natural order.
Ah you'd have the strength of five men.
I've got that now.
Not five men.
Five gorillas.
But, since you're that strong, if you'd try to pet a kitten you'd crush it.
Oh no, poor kitty.
Yeah.
Will I still have my rugged Latin features? You'd look exactly the same.
Not me.
I am going to be an Adrienne Barbeau bot.
Sir, please.
You'd look the same but you're only five feet tall.
Five feet? Why so short? Because, that's as big as they come.
Captain! There's a crack in the hull.
Pod 7 is flooding.
The Barbeau bot would weld that leak with her laser beam eyes.
You won't have laser beam eyes, okay? What about X-ray vision? Yeah, you'll have that.
Oh, I can't have laser beam eyes but he gets X-ray vision? Okay, everybody gets X-ray vision.
Yeah and big chainsaw hands.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Can I control Vvvrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Can I control my X-ray vision? So you could look through peoples clothes? Yeah, but I don't wanna see a bunch of bones and guts.
Just the ---.
Why else would you have it? Oh goodie, I am going to have robots eyeballing my ---? No, you'll have a - dammit! Hang on.
No, you'll have a cloaking device.
But you have to choose.
X-ray vision or that cloak thing.
Who needs X-ray vision? They'll beg to show the --- of my robot.
Oh wait.
Hello? We're flooding.
Oh yeah.
That.
Somebody go find doctor Quinn.
Michael? Hmm? Oh yeah.
Right! Right! The strength of five gorillas.
And X-ray vision.
But why so short? That's as big as they come.
I heard you.
But I can chew nails and shoot them out as bullets, right? Nails, chains, You won't have titanium teeth for nothing.
Nails are like candy to robots.
And we'll need tires instead of licorice.
Ugh, no we won't.
Maybe you won't.
Doctor Quinn, there's a major leak in pod 7.
Damn.
Alright, you seal it off, I'll get my laser pack and we'll meet - Hang on a sec Would you put your brain in a robot body? What!? - Cause we were talking upstairs you know.
Just kicking the old peanut around.
Man, I don't have time for this! Don't you hear that? Pod 7 is gonna implode! We have X-ray vision! And the strength of 5 gorillas! Pod 7.
Critical.
Okay, okay.
So say I put my brain in a robot body.
And there's a war.
Robots versus humans.
What side am I on? Humans.
You have a human brain.
But, the humans discriminate against you.
You can't even vote.
We'd better not have to live on a reservation.
That would really chap my caboose.
Yeah, but nobody knows you're a robot.
You look the same.
But dogs know.
That's how the humans hunt you.
They're gonna hunt me for sport? That's why we have to crush mankind.
So, you might as well get on board for the big win, Stormy.
They're yapping about putting their brains in a robot? Hey, what about the leak? Oh, Quinn will save us.
Quinn always saves us.
Stupid ---.
Damn! Coming up at ten, explosions rip through Sealab.
We'll have all the details plus chopper Dave.
Heeyooo! Hey! I have got a few conditions on this robot thing.
Holy crap! Did you see that freaking chopper explode? I'll only put my brain in a robot body if I can put it in a robot cat.
Uhm, okay.
But remember, you'll have the strength of 5 gorillas.
I know I saw that freaking chopper.
Why settle for a cat, Hesh? You could be a robot, mm, tiger.
Nononono, no.
Absolutamente no.
If I have to be a five feet nothing, Hesh can't be a tiger.
You're not the boss of Tiger bot Hesh.
Then he has to live in a robot zoo.
Hear that Hesh? The zoo.
Ha! Well, then Hesh will stay human.
Don't expect any mercy during the great robot wars.
Yeah? Well have fun on the robot reservations.
Suckers! We're not gonna honor those bogus treaties.
Hesh, will see you in he-- He's right.
They will screw us.
Danger.
Listen.
It's time to get serious.
Yeah, enough of this talk.
Let's kill the human.
You can't break Prime Directive Two.
So what are they going to do about it? Let's ask old Gus.
He'll know.
Danger.
Damn! We just lost pod 7.
Bridge? This is Quinn.
Come in.
The penalty - Come in! Pod 7 is gone! You've got to get everyone out of pod 6.
Aw, for the love of --- Sorry Gus.
The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years, frozen in carbonite! A thousand years frozen in carbonite? It will be so cold.
My nipples are hard just thinking about it.
Man, I'd kill myself! Hello? Prime Directive Three! Damned Prime Directives! I just don't know if I want to live a thousand years.
Even as an Adrienne Barbeau bot.
With hard nipples.
Plus, self-termination? Hey, I gotta tell you, it's a sin in the eyes of the robot church.
We don't need Rome telling us what to do! Wait, if we're robots we'll have mechanics.
They could shut us down, permanently! Nononono, your robot body would go crazy and kill them.
With the strength of five gorillas.
And then it's right back to the carbonite.
And there go my nipples again.
And there goes pod 6.
God, it's so depressing.
What? Pod 6 was jerks.
No, being trapped in carbonite.
Oh yeah, that.
But what if you get a brain tumor? Yeah, a big ass tumor! No, your robot body is a brain surgeon.
Aw, that's bunk.
It's not gonna be a brain surgeon.
If it can't break the five foot barrier it can't be a brain surgeon.
Yes it can.
If Hesh can be a giant tiger bot, what's a little - Hesh is gonna stay human.
He'll die in the first wave.
Unless he's a tiger bot already.
It could happen.
Danger.
Danger.
Almost died.
But I saved Sealab.
Time to get me some props.
Heyo, hey everybody! So check it out.
I know I've only got about what 30 seconds before pod 5 goes Yeah yeah yeah.
Hey, will my robot body have hair? Just on your back like you do now.
Gross! But wait, wait.
What's with robot sex? Yeah baby! Knocking those robot boots.
Go robot! Go robot! Hey hey hey, I almost died saving your sorry butts.
Except for pod 6 and 7.
Shut up.
Y'all make me sick.
All you ever talk about is robots.
Can they have hair? Can they have sex? The answer to these questions would quite possibly drive you all insane.
You don't have to bite my head off.
I am just asking.
Yeah, who died and made you robot expert? Aw, that's it.
Aaagh! Oh my god! Ay, madre mia! Jezus, he's a robot! That's right people.
I am a cyborg.
My weak body couldn't deal with the viruses of the 21st century.
So, using my IQ of 260, that's 2-6-oh, I built a superfly cybernetic host body for my brain and I became this bastard child of science and humanity.
And I am standing here naked, but I am not asking forgiveness.
And I don't want your pity! I just want your understanding, your acceptance.
I am just asking for your friendship.
Keep changing.
Each one, try whatever.
Okay.
And there go my nipples again.
Ooooh and there go my nipples again.
Uh, almost as if it's the number one, top movie in the country.
And, there go my nipples again!! Archie says "and there go my nipples again.
" Aw, there go my nipples again, there, Edith! Aw, man, allright we gotta get, we gotta go.
We gotta go.
Thank you!