Sean Saves The World (2013) s01e02 Episode Script


1 Okay, we're all set.
Oh, wait, I forgot to put desserts in our lunches.
It's the most important food group.
- Pudding! Fruit cup! - Oh.
Oh, look, you're throwing them.
And look, you're catching them.
I know.
Suck it, coach Walker! It's me.
- I'm using my key.
- Hi, mom.
I used my key.
Thanks for the update.
So what are you doing now, walking towards me? And look how he talks to me.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi, grandma.
I brought you some food.
Oh, good.
Now I don't have to go hunting.
I'm just trying to keep your painfully thin daughter alive.
He feeds me, grandma.
At least on the days I sweeps enough chimneys.
Oy, that's enough lip out of you, you guttersnipe.
We watched Oliver! Last night.
Okay, mom, I really appreciate the judgmental food buying.
I I do, especially the kale chips, which turn snacking into a painful challenge, but the single parenting thing I'm handling it.
- You're guiding me to the door.
- Oh, another update.
And I promise you, if I ever need anything, you'll be the first person I call, and just to make sure you don't miss that call, go home and sit by the phone.
It's Liz.
I'm using my key! She has a key? Well, that cheapens it.
She's my best friend.
And to anticipate your next question, no, she did not give birth to me, and my giant head did not destroy her "down there.
" Oh! Hi, lorna.
I brought you those bear claws you like.
Ooh, bear claws! Hello, bear claw.
I'm Sean.
Shh, enough small talk.
Let's do this.
Sure, her food, you'll eat.
Oh, lorna, this isn't a competition.
I just happen to be better at knowing what Sean likes, and so I win.
Someday you'll marry a nice man, and you won't have time to hang around with this one anymore.
I'm talking to Sean, of course, but you hang in there.
Okay, everybody, let's go.
Ellie, grab your stuff.
Liz and I are gonna drop you off on the way to work.
So that top, do we think it does anything for you? It makes you uncomfortable.
That's something.
Oh, I got a text from your mom.
"Ellie said she needs a real bra.
" Oh, my God.
Dad! Oh, wait, here's another one.
"But she's embarrassed, so find a sensitive way to bring it up.
" Mm.
"That ship has sailed.
" It's just weird, thinking about Ellie needing a bra, you know? I keep picturing her at five, saying, "daddy, how does the moon stay in the sky?" And now bam! Ka-boobs! Hey, throw me a cream.
You mean hand you a cream? Oh, no, I catch things now.
Hey! I know, right? Anyway, bra shopping is such a mother-daughter thing.
I'm the dad.
I should be teaching her how to drive or punching out her soccer coach Which I can't really do, 'cause he and I kind of hooked up last summer.
I could never have gone bra shopping with my dad.
Although he did once take one of my college roommates to a lingerie store.
Ellie told me she wants to go alone.
But isn't it, like, a rite of passage thing? Shouldn't somebody be there with her? Definitely.
Breasts are delicate.
Hell yeah, they are.
That's why you gotta treat 'em like a lady.
What'd I miss? Uh, my daughter needs her first bra.
I'm gonna need those high fives back, people.
- Hey.
- Boss.
He is so nosy.
The new boss freaks me out.
I keep thinking one day he's gonna unzip his head, and inside you're gonna see a tiny alien Sitting in front of a console, pressing a button that says, "freak hunter out.
" Sean, I know you better than you know yourself, so I know you'll feel guilty if you send Ellie to go bra shopping alone.
You do not know me better than I know myself.
I knew you were gay before you did.
I knew I was gay.
I was just trying not to be.
- And I knew that.
- Uh, because I told you.
Uh, no, I told you at your wedding.
Which was inappropriate, since you were the caterer and had only known me for six hours.
Which was five hours longer than I needed to know you were gay.
It's true, Sean.
People can tell you're gay faster than they can tell I'm black.
And yet I'm the only one in this room who's actually put a baby in a lady.
Take that, bitches.
- Hey.
- Boss.
I changed my mind.
I want that one.
I guess the little dude at the console didn't like the red apple.
I can't ask Ellie to go bra shopping with my mom.
When I was 11, she took me shopping for a jockstrap.
It was a nightmare.
She said to the salesperson, "is that fabric stretchy enough? "'Cause his coach says he gets erections in the locker room for no reason at all.
" Your mom's tough.
She hasn't liked me since the day she met me.
Well, to remind you, it was my wedding day.
And you the caterer got drunk and told her her son was gay.
But you were gay.
Well, there are some days a mom doesn't want to hear that.
I should be the one that takes Ellie bra shopping.
I'm the perfect choice.
I'm a woman, I love Ellie, and, let's face it I know my way around a bra.
I mean, these things aren't held up by little elves.
Booby elves, the happiest elves on earth.
Okay, but if I let you take Ellie, my mom can never find out.
If she knows I chose you instead of her, she'll unhinge her jaw, swallow me whole, and then give me the silent treatment while I dissolve in her stomach.
Sometimes my mom just makes me pancakes because she loves me.
- So different moms.
- Different moms.
Different moms.
May I come in? Sean, this morning, when I was on the hunt for the ideal fruit, I noticed that you, Liz, and hunter were engaged in some bra-related banter.
Uh "Bra" was just a metaphor for how we can support each other and be the best online retail company in America.
Sean, I've just read a book about increasing productivity by boosting employee morale.
It was written by one of Hitler's top men.
Maybe we should loop Rachel from h.
Into this meeting.
Oh, Sean, don't worry, we all hate Hitler.
The point is, I want you working as hard as a hamster on a wheel.
And so Oh.
How nice.
Thank you, sir.
Ah, let's see.
It's a bra.
For your daughter.
You bought my daughter a bra? Don't make it sound weird, Sean.
Just stating the facts, sir.
The weird, weird, inappropriate, weird facts.
Oh, okay, I see, so I go out of my way to solve your problem, and you find that three "weird"s and an "inappropriate.
" Well, guess what's more inappropriate.
Maybe you blabbing on about a personal matter while you're working.
I wasn't working, sir.
I was in the break room on a break.
Oh, the break room Where you go to relax and unwind.
Well, we'll see about that! That was loud, sir.
Uh, are we okay? Oh, this is fun, Ellie.
It's much better than going alone, isn't it? So much better, and thanks for that cappuccino.
I've never had one before, it was delicious, and I'm much less nervous now that my heart has slowed down.
Okay, maybe we don't tell your dad about the cappuccino.
He's still a little upset about the time I sprung you from school when you were ten and didn't tell anybody, so we could get mani-pedis.
And then at the salon, you were all, "hey! Why is my picture on the TV?" Ooh, can I help this pretty young lady? Oh, that's okay, I'm just looking.
I meant the girl.
Oh, did you? Well, good for you for making sure my feelings were hurt.
Ellie! I want you to look at me as your cool older sister.
- So are you sexually active? - What? No! Do you wanna be? I'm 14.
Oh, right, sorry.
Why do I keep thinking you're 15? Ooh! I had a bra like this once.
Got me into concerts, got me into clubs Got me in the back of a limo with Fernando, who I thought was a banker.
Turned out to be the limo driver.
Third time I've fallen for that.
Yeah, those sequins look a little too itchy.
Oh, don't worry.
There's plenty others.
Now this one reminds me of a yacht, and a guy who, you'd have thought from his hat, owned it.
I'm sorry, Sean, you can't be in here.
Are you sure? I'd like to be.
A word out there please.
Don't come in here.
You're banned.
What? Why? Because when you are in here, you're inappropriate and say things of a brassierial nature.
Both that word and those charges sound made up.
Okay, don't lash out at me, Sean.
It's ugly, and it will not help you.
Now I suggest you go and eat something, perhaps in your office, because you are not allowed in here.
Here is your lunch.
I thought you catch things now.
Hey, dad.
Hi, honey.
How did bra shopping go? It started out good.
Then it took a turn.
Why does Liz always have to turn? Can't she just go straight? Here, I'll show you.
Huh? What? No.
Why? Ugh, maybe sending you with Liz was a big mistake.
She also got me this Teddy, said I'd grow into it.
Okay, don't you dare.
All right, yeah, I'm sorry, honey, I was wrong.
I thought sending you with Liz would be fun, but tomorrow you can go alone, all right? No harm done.
It's me! Oh, my God, it's harm.
Hide the bras! - Why? - Because if grandma finds out I asked Liz to take you bra shopping instead of her I know, she'll unhinge her jaw and No, we don't have time for that bit.
Here! Hide the bras! - No, dad - They're your bras! - She's your mom! I don't want I'm using my key.
If I can find it.
Yeah, you're on your own.
I love you, but you suck.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, grandma.
She's bouncing a little there.
She's gonna need a bra soon.
Sean, you look a little flushed.
Have you had a b.
Today? Uh, I'm 40.
Well I brought you some food with fiber.
Mom, I said I don't need your help.
I'm never gonna stop helping, because look at that face.
What, the batteries died on the nose hair clippers I got you? Cereal goes here, right? No.
It goes on the table now.
Or the floor.
What's the matter with you? Nothing.
What's the matter with you? How does that feel? Well, you're so cranky.
Have you eaten anything lately? We're about to eat in ten minutes.
I just made spaghetti.
Oh, let me taste your sauce.
It always needs something.
Well, this is interesting.
I usually just use a bay leaf.
Oh, that's where my bra went.
All right.
Your bra? Yeah, as you know, my people enjoy the occasional parade.
And sometimes those parades involve fanciful outfits.
You don't have the energy to be that gay.
I do too.
If I'm on the first float and I'm out by 4:00.
All right, fine, if you must know, Ellie went bra shopping, on her own.
And she got talked into buying something she didn't want, so she did what any normal 14-year-old does when they don't want something.
She put it in the marinara sauce.
It's a new thing.
Kids call it "saucing.
" If Ellie needs a bra, why would you let her go alone? I could take her.
- Oh, no, mom, you don't have - No, I insist.
Who else would do it? Hey.
How we all doing down here? Hey, great news, gram's gonna take you bra shopping.
Isn't that amazing? Look into my eyes and read my mind.
Yay! Yay to that.
Now look into my eyes.
Don't you talk to me like that.
Now that your mom has moved to New York, I want you to feel very comfortable asking me any questions at all about the woman stuff, okay? Never be embarrassed.
Because soon you're gonna have stirrings.
Not after this.
Perfectly natural stirrings.
Have you been exploring your body? I'm exploring the exits.
All right, fine, you don't want to talk about it, just like your father.
All I'm saying is, you should explore your own body before someone else does.
Have you looked at your vagina in the mirror? I mean, really looked at it? She hasn't looked at it.
I'm using my key! Liz! Hey, what are you doing here? I came to see Ellie.
Is she home? No, she just texted me.
She's gonna be home any minute.
She's with her grandma, shopping for a bra Mitzvah present, a bra mitzvah present.
For her little Jewish friend, Sammy Davis Junior.
Different one.
Oh, well, I was on my way home, and I saw these really cute shoes I thought Ellie would like.
Oh, that's so sweet.
See you tomorrow.
Wait! And wine for us.
I'll go open it.
Oh, uh All right, one quick one, and then off you go.
I just took a sleeping pill.
I gotta get into bed before it hits.
Otherwise, I'll pee off the balcony again.
I had such a great time bra shopping with Ellie.
Did she have fun too? Oh, she was deeply affected by your time together.
Aw! She makes me want to be a mom.
Maybe I should just do what my therapist says and stop taking birth control, go to mardi gras, and just see what happens.
Well, to be clear, she's your aromatherapist.
All right, here we go.
Mmm! Delicious.
I'm so glad we did this.
Ah, that'll be the pill.
But, oh, I didn't finish my wine yet.
Oh, that's no problem.
Here you go.
I've decided I'm not gonna wear bras.
And grandma's right behind me, so tell her I'm upstairs having a stirring.
What was that about? Didn't she like the bras we got? Oh, who cares? I'm gonna need some more wine, 'cause I don't think this thing is over.
What the hell happened to Ellie? See? Not over.
She said she had a stomachache.
She ran out of the store before we could buy a single bra.
Lorna took Ellie bra shopping after I did? I don't know, is that what's being revealed? You took her? She took her? You let Liz take Ellie instead of me and lied about it? Well, it's a little more complicated than that.
- How? - I don't know.
So he chose me.
So what? Well, Ellie hated that bra you bought her so much that she sauced it.
What does that even mean? It's a thing the kids do.
This is the substitute mother? She doesn't even know what saucing is.
You lied to me when you said Ellie loved my bras.
In my defense, I was very evasive.
She's inserting herself into Ellie's life the way she inserted herself into your wedding.
How dare you tell me my son is gay on the one day I'm trying to pretend I don't know? When Ellie's mom moved to New York, I thought, finally, this is it.
I'll be the main woman in Ellie's life not this one.
Hey! This one has a name.
Grandmother, a word that already has the word "mother" in it.
You know what else has the word "mother" in it? All right, you guys, come on, that's enough.
Ellie, get down here.
Now, mom, there is a time that Ellie is gonna need a grandmother.
and there are some times she's gonna need a A cautionary tale.
A fun loving big sister.
All right? There's plenty of Ellie to go around, and there's gonna be plenty more every day, brassierially Which I've now accepted as a word.
What's up? Is there a part of my body we haven't talked about yet? Honey, come here.
Sit down.
I wanted I want I wanted to say I'm sorry.
I tried to find a substitute for your mom, but I now realize that, when you need a woman to guide you, that woman should be me.
I just heard that too.
And I'm gonna take you bra shopping.
- I'd like that.
- Me too.
All right.
Ugh, boobs, right? I know.
Why'd I pray for them? They're such a pain in the butt.
You say that now, but one day, they'll make a drummer you like like you back.
But you have to check them every month, and men should do it too after 40.
I'll show you how.
Sean, you wanna get lunch? Oh, was there another parade today? No, no, no, no, close the door.
Liz got this for my daughter.
- That's weird.
- And I'm gonna give it to Max.
- Getting weirder.
- For his mother.
No, no, I thought of it last night.
I'm gonna show Max how inappropriate it is to buy lingerie for a coworker's family member.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, look, there he is.
Go for it, Sean.
I got your back, Sean.
From over here, though, Sean.
Hey, Max.
Check this out.
I got it for your mom.
- This is for my mother? - Oh, yeah.
This is wildly inappropriate.
And yet I did the same thing to you.
And now I know how wrong that was.
Oh, Sean, how can I thank you? You're mocking me right now.
Oh, so you can catch things.
And yet you're showing backbone, and I appreciate that.
You may use the break room again.
Really? Well, thank you, sir.
Maybe in the future, if we ever have a disagreement, we can just have an honest discussion? Mm.
An honest discussion.
Two men seeking common ground in a mature and reasonable way.
We'll see about that!