Sean Saves The World (2013) s01e09 Episode Script

Best Friends for Never

Okay, go.
- Movie.
- Mm-hmm.
- Three words.
- Mm-hmm.
- Whole idea.
- It's Dances With Wolves.
Ellie will never get it.
That movie came out before I did.
You're dancing.
Step Up.
Step Up Revolution.
Step Up 3D.
Second clue.
You're howling.
Twilight: New Moon.
Twilight: Eclipse.
Twilight: Breaking Dawn.
Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 2.
Honey, I'm dancing.
I'm a wolf.
It's Dances with Wolves.
I still don't know what you're saying.
[Imitates buzzer] You talked.
- Our turn.
- Yeah.
It is time to kick some ass.
Of all the things to get macho about, you pick charades? He's the Dirty Harry of game night.
- Who's that? - Oh, God.
We'll never win anything.
Okay, go.
Okay, um Movie.
One word.
Whole idea.
It's raining.
You eat a hot dog.
It's undercooked.
You walk downstairs.
- Argo! - Argo! - [Yells] - Yes! How did you get Argo from that? We were in New York together.
It was raining.
- I got hungry.
- I bought him a hot dog.
It made me nauseous.
So we took the subway back to the hotel Both: And watched Argo on pay-per-view.
See, grandma? Those are clues.
Uh-oh, got to go.
Sorry, guys.
What, now? It's ice cream sundae time.
Sorry, I'm just a little tired.
Oh, come on, you're putting on lipstick.
You're not tired.
Do you have another date with Carl? Okay, fine, yes.
We're going to Sam Oliver's.
I love that place.
The lighting makes me look taller.
Why can't I meet this mysterious Carl? Oh, it's only been a few weeks, and who knows if anything's gonna happen? Oh, I do.
Something's gonna happen.
Okay, go.
Have fun.
- Good night, guys.
- Bye-bye, honey.
Have a good time.
[Laughs] She's hiding something.
She usually drags me to meet the guys she's dating.
So what's going on with Carl? Ready.
He's married.
He's a criminal.
He doesn't have a face.
He doesn't have a face? That's your guess? I hate game night.
All right, I'm going to Sam Oliver's to find out what's happening.
And by the way, that lighting thing is all in her head.
She's short no matter where you take her.
Hey, Liz.
Sean, what are you doing here? Just meeting some friends.
You know, Tim and Chris.
Those are people.
Not real people.
You're spying on me.
I am yes.
But why have you been so secretive about Carl? Is he a criminal? Does he have a wife? How's his face? Does he have one? Rainbow cocktails flying in.
Oh, that dodo bartender had no idea how to make these, so I staged a mutiny.
Made 'em myself.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Sean, this is Carl.
Carl, Sean.
Look at Sean all naked without a drink.
Here, you take this one.
I'll go make another.
Maybe this time, that tattooed man God behind the bar will pay attention.
So no wife there.
I know.
Isn't it great? What a catch.
Just so we're clear, Carl is super gay.
He came to earth when his gay planet burst into flames.
What? Carl is gay? Ugh, thanks for nothing, match.
Oh, my God.
You know he's gay.
That's why you didn't want me to meet him.
- I can explain.
- [Gasps] You're cheating on me with another gay man Who makes delicious cocktails.
Damn it, that's good.
I can't believe you're sneaking around seeing another gay man.
I'm so stupid.
I never even suspected.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't looking for it.
It just happened.
Oh, please, these things don't just happen.
Come on, Sean, you know it's always been you.
Do I? All I'm hearing right now are just words.
Can't a girl have more than one gay best friend? No.
Have you no respect for traditional values? I'm sorry.
It's just, you and I used to go out all the time, and now all we do is sit at home with your family.
I am 26 years old.
I tell people I'm 26 years old.
I need to get out more.
You deceived me.
I would never do that to you.
You know what you are? Movie.
Two words.
Liar Liar.
So this Christmas, we have some fun, exciting products that'll ensure your website has Santa-rrific sales.
And for your Jewish customers, we have some things that are right-on-ukkah.
Oh, Tippy, you are my favorite vendor.
You are vend-orable.
And you are my smartest and handsomest buyer.
I always look forward to coming here and gettin' my Sean on.
- [Chuckles] - Now, come on.
Do that thing you do.
Oh, no.
- Come on.
- You want me to? - I want you to do it.
- I'm gonna do it.
- Do it.
- Watch this.
Okay, I like this one but in this fabric but with this mistletoe pattern.
All: Ooh! I like this belt but in a brass buckle.
All: Ah! And this, I never want to see again.
[Applause] Hang on, everybody.
Ever since I bought this company, I've watched Sean predict the latest trends while you've all marveled, your tiny mouths slack-jawed in wonder like yokels in a burlesque tent.
We're all flattered by that assessment, sir.
But Sean's not the only one who can spot the latest trends and pounce on them.
Jerry, now.
Right now, nothing's as white-hot as medieval fantasy: The Hobbit, Game of Yhrones, restaurants where jousting is encouraged.
I love fantasy.
Of course you do, because your real life is a bleak wasteland of monotony.
It's better since I got cable.
Anyway, all of the men in that genre wear our next big product [Snaps fingers] Chain mail pants.
I bought 300 pairs of these off a film production company that lost its financing when Shaquille O'Neal dropped out.
This is really heavy.
Can I please put it down? It's "may I," and no.
Max, I don't know that we're gonna sell these.
Our customers are pretty discerning, and they like their pants under 50 pounds.
Oh, look, Sean is so intimidated by my savvy.
What say you, Hunter? Are these pants hip? Yea or nay.
I'm gonna go with nay, Max.
In the name of Shaquille O'Neal, we will sell these pants.
You can put those down now, Jerry.
We don't know that.
Oh, sorry.
I overslept.
Oh, fun night with your bitch, Carl? Just tell me how the sales meeting went.
It was fantastic.
Oprah came.
You missed it.
She gave everybody a car.
Sean, I am not going to apologize for seeing Carl.
I'm allowed to have friends who want to do something other than sit at home with their family and play charades.
Did someone say charades? Charades is my jam.
Really? Mine too.
I have a very expressive body.
It says things my mouth wouldn't dare.
Let's take it for a spin.
Game night, tonight, my house.
We need a fourth player.
The person who used to come developed a drinking problem and now can't even get to work on time.
- Oh, poor thing.
- Hmm.
Oh, don't feel sorry for her.
She has a new, sassy friend who doesn't call 9:30 a late night.
What do you say, Tippy? Want to replace her? You'd have to be willing to play charades, then conveniently leave before it's time to clean up.
Eff yeah! Can I bring anything? Just your loyalty.
Oh, and maybe a seven-layer dip or five, whatever you have time for.
And go.
Three words.
Whole idea.
Smack! Ow! That hurt.
Itchy eyes.
Smack! Ow! Stop slapping me.
I'm doing the best I can.
God's sakes.
It's Boys Don't Cry.
You are good at this, lady.
I want you as my partner next time.
You're fun.
She's fun.
Way better than the other one.
You're more fun than anyone.
And look how beautiful you are.
Such a sense of style.
Will you take me shopping sometime? You're on.
Why'd it take you so long to get a decent friend? So we done here? No, we're just taking a break.
Come on, let's get our sundaes.
Race you to the freezer.
Losers eat second.
Bam! Ow.
We're just getting ice cream, not storming a Walmart on Black Friday.
Tippy's got a lot of energy.
Yeah, like that chimp that tore that guy's nuts off.
Hey, hey, hey.
First of all, there's a part of me that's delighted by what you just said.
Second of all, Tippy's our guest.
Let's give her a chance.
Sean, sit down.
I have a surprise for you.
Oh, we don't need to do that.
Sit down and close your eyes.
Come on, dad.
She's our guest.
Let's give her a chance.
[Both giggling] [Sean yelling] [Tippy laughing] [Muffled] I don't like this! He said he wants more.
Oh! [Laughs] [Yells] Hey, Sean.
I wrote the copy for Max's chain mail pants, which have been on our website for a week.
Guess how many we sold.
If your number is higher than zero, revise it downward.
Poor you.
How many of these you think we could sell? Oh, my God.
Did you get that from Tippy? No, it was a gift from Queen Elizabeth.
It was part of her jubilee.
You've been seeing a lot of that chick lately.
I know.
First it was game night.
Then it was pizza night.
Then it was "I'm in bed but my back door's open so she let herself in and I almost called the cops" night.
What started out as a friendship has turned into a hostage crisis.
We should get Tippy to buy a pair of those chain mail pants, then push her in the lake.
Solve both our problems.
That would never work.
She's as strong as a grizzly bear.
Oh, Hunter, I want you to jazz up the copy on those chain mail pants.
This whole project has been enormously successful, but we still have a few pairs left.
Oh, come on, Max.
No one's bought any of them.
And even if we do sell a pair, they'll cost as much to ship as a llama.
I once shipped a llama very expensive.
I want to hear all about the packaging and mailing of livestock.
Please elaborate in a different locale.
I do not appreciate you shaming me like that in front of Sean.
If this was a Japanese company, I'd be within my rights to chop your head off.
I'm pretty sure you're confusing the Japanese with Klingons.
Don't play the race card with me.
Look, we have to show Sean that I am right.
So tonight we are going to viral market the pants by wearing them to bars all over town.
We'll be tweeted and tumblr'd until the entire Internet is abuzz about the two dapper dudes in the stainless steel slacks.
Yeah, I don't want to do that.
Be in the chain mail pants by 8:00.
And don't wear that shirt.
We don't want to look stupid.
Ugh, they said that place was supposed to be fusion? Yeah, fusion between ew and yuck.
[Laughs] [Laughs] Tippy, you're so funny.
What? What'd I say? [Laughs] "What'd I say?" [Laughs] [Laughs] Carl, you maniac, you are so funny.
[Laughs] Ah, oh, Tippy, my side.
Stop it.
[Laughs] [Laughing] Oh, you're the funniest gay man I know.
[Laughs] You just laugh-spat on me.
I'm out of here.
[Laughter] Oh, my God.
Tippy is so much fun.
I know, and Carl's the greatest.
Oh, good, then it's all working out.
Yeah, except for one thing.
- What's that? - I hate him.
Can we talk? So what's going on, Liz? I used to think Carl was fun and bitchy, but it turns out he's just bitchy.
But when you came in, you were just laughing so hard.
I have to.
If I don't laugh at his jokes, he makes fun of me and calls me "Liz Miserableh.
" [Laughs] What a jerk.
Why are you still hanging out with him? 'Cause you were having so much fun with Tippy, and I wanted to make you jealous.
God, who does that? Well, the truth is, I I'll tell you who.
A petty, pathetic person who's insecure and a terrible, terrible friend.
You were right when you said that I deceived you, and you would never do that to me 'cause you're a good person.
I'm sorry.
I interrupted you.
What were you going to say? I forgive you.
I was thinking, why don't we all go out for drinks after work? Sean's bestie will hang with Sean's other bestie.
[Laughs] It'll be a bestie festie, aah! That sounds awful.
I mean awful.
Why can't I say "awesome"? Oh, there I go.
That sounds awful.
Oh, my God.
- Hey, Liz.
- Oh, hey, Ellie.
I think your dad's in with Max.
Actually, I'm here to see you.
We need you back in our lives.
Why? Because Tippy keeps calling me Ellie-Belly, then poking me in the gut.
Really, you don't like her? 'Cause your dad loves her.
Actually, he can't stand her.
Shut up and tell me more.
I'm not proud of this, but I am very excited right now.
The other day, Tippy let herself in, and my dad hid in that closet under the stairs where all the spiders are.
He screamed for a full hour without making a sound.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe he's been lying to me, even after I came clean about Carl.
So what are you gonna do? Movie.
Four words.
Just tell me.
There will be blood.
I think you guys make up these movies.
[Both chuckling] Well, it's been three minutes.
Looks like Liz isn't gonna show.
I guess we should call it a night.
It's okay if Liz doesn't come.
You know what's crazy? My place is only two blocks from here.
Maybe we should go there and make love.
What? You know you want to.
No, I don't.
I think you do.
I really don't.
Come on, let's do it.
No, let's not.
I love what we have, Sean.
Let's take it to the next level.
You know I'm gay.
We're all a little something.
I'm not just a little gay.
You're a big, strong gay.
Oh, hey, guys.
Sean, I have great news.
I got us two tickets to see Justin Timberlake on the 15th.
- You want to go? - Justin Timberlake? Yes.
Oh, my God.
It's in Madison, so I thought we could spend the night at my aunt's cabin.
That sounds fantastic.
I know, right? [Laughs] Only I'm not free that weekend.
So I thought you could take Tippy instead.
What's happening? Tippy, are you a big J.
fan? [Gasps] Oh, my God.
We're going to see J.
in Madison and spend the night.
Hang on, the 15th? - Mm-hmm.
- I thought you said the 50th.
I have a thing on the 15th.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Nope.
- It's on the - Mm-mm.
- Yup.
- Checked your calendar.
- But I so did I - Yup, it's free.
- Nope.
- Totally clear.
- This is so exciting.
I'm gonna have you all to myself.
I'm just gonna run to the little girls' room.
Don't drink too much.
I have clean sheets on my bed, and I don't want them to stay that way.
[Gasps] Did you see that? [Scoffs] Tippy made a pass at me.
Well, as much as I like her, I'm gonna have to break things off.
- Oh, well, let's go.
- Hey.
You are so full of crap.
I know you don't like Tippy.
What? Ellie told me because she's not a liar.
Ellie damn it, there's always a loose end.
[Pants jingling] Max, we have been to four bars already.
I want to go home.
I feel like I'm wearing a cheese grater for a jockstrap.
Suck it up, man.
That's our target audience.
Let's go.
Wow, the betties sure are going crazy tonight, thanks to these snazzy chain mail slacks available only at pembertonroad.
Check it out, dorks of the round table.
Yeah, dungeons and douche bags.
[Both snicker] Are we finished? 'Cause that was the least mean feedback we've had all night.
Yes, I need a drink.
I snagged a pube, and if I don't dull the pain, I'm gonna start crying.
[Both groan] Sean was right.
I suck at trendsetting.
Oh, don't beat yourself up.
Look, you shouldn't try to out-Sean Sean.
You're the boss, the big-picture guy.
Okay, you've got to be Max to the Max.
Ah, yes.
I've got to do what bosses do: take credit for other people's achievements.
Thank you, Hunter.
I'm glad I thought of that.
You lied to me.
Because you lied to me.
Oh, and I'll tell you something else.
You suck at charades.
Ha! That is laughable.
Here's me pantomime-laughing at you.
Oh, oh, and here's me looking confused because your pantomime sucks.
'Sup, guys? Sean, I thought about you when I was in the bathroom.
[Chortles] Listen, Tippy, we don't Shh! I have never been so relieved to taste soap in my life.
Tippy, you and Sean are never going to happen.
You're just jealous because you had your chance and you lost him.
Lost him? I I didn't lose him.
Sean, did I lose you? No, we just had a fight.
You could never lose me, even if we were in that maze from that movie, uh [Snaps fingers] It was Valentine's Day.
We ordered those dumplings.
I had that goatee.
- You told me it wasn't working.
- The Shining.
That's it, the shining.
And I had to spend the night at your place because I was too afraid to go home.
And you stayed there for a week because there were Both: Eight-year-old twins - In your building.
- In my building.
Tippy, if I were to ever wake up on the wrong side of gay, this is the only woman I'd be with.
Okay, Sean.
It's your loss.
It would've been a wild ride.
So would I really be the only woman you'd want to be with? Of course.
But just so we're clear, there's, like, a million dudes in line ahead of you.
And just so we're clear, there are, like, a million dudes in line ahead of you.
And a couple chicks.
You mean the waitress at the Yeah.
I'm sorry I cheated on you with Carl.
Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't honest either.
In my defense, I thought I could get away with it.
[Chuckling] Wild night.
Hey, but at least we're going to that J.
concert together.
- Oh, Sean.
- No? That was back when we were lying to each other.
Tippy? Tippy, is that you? Sorry, Lorna, it's just me.
Oh, what? What's happening? Tippy and I have parted ways.
Oh, I see.
I got to get some water.
Sorry, you're stuck with me again, Lorna.
Oh, that's all right, Liz.
I was getting tired of Tippy anyway.
I'm glad to have you back.
That's so sweet.
Two of my favorite women in the whole world I was just being nice.
I'm devastated.
Good night.