Secret Diary of a Call Girl s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
Oh, it's lovely.
Just lovely.
A lot of girls cry when they see themselves in a wedding dress.
Every little girl's dream.
Or nightmare.
You know.
If you're fat.
Hello.
Do you do girls? It says here "Yes" to anal, GFE, school uniform; "No" to scats, stags and water sports.
- You've got nothing against girls.
- What's the set-up? Threesome.
The client wants two girls.
- Who's the other one? - I haven't booked one yet.
- What about Rachel? - No, she's in Marbella.
- Tanya? - She's going to see Les Mis.
Again? How many times is that? Who knows? It's a sickness.
And what's the client like that one of us isn't enough? It's Ashok.
Ashok? Every-second-Wednesday-since- I- started Ashok? The very same.
Sometimes, two heads are better than one.
I'll find someone and call you back.
It's not that I don't like going down on girls.
It's just that I never really enjoy going out with them.
:: board.
tv4user.
de presents:: :: Assembling: fatbrat:: You're supposed to be helping me find a suit.
I know.
Can you undo this? I'm trapped.
So? What do you think? When is it again? You look like you've just stepped out of my parent's wedding photo.
- Jesus.
- Excuse me.
It's bad luck to see the bride in her gown before the big day.
It's all right.
She's not the bride.
She's just here to help.
I told my best friend that I'm a prostitute.
He hasn't said a thing.
We're both acting like everything's fine but, of course, it's not.
So, the night your sister had a baby - I can't believe I'm asking! Were you working as a prostitute? Were you doing that when we were still seeing each other? No! No.
And you have, like er What is it? A madam? An agent.
Yeah.
She's the filter.
She always knows where I am.
Is it even legal? Me? Yeah.
But her.
Not exactly.
Why do you do it? Would you believe me if I said I enjoyed it? You know I like sex.
So what is it you're doing tonight? It's a threesome.
Me and another girl from the agency.
- Who's the? - It's Ashok.
He's lovely.
- Lovely? - Yeah.
He's lovely.
He's my oldest client.
He's like my friend.
How did you even get into it? Hello? It's all arranged.
You'll be working with Naomi.
- Who's Naomi? - She's new.
I poached her from Brompton Escorts.
She's flying off the shelves.
If you know what I mean.
The room is booked from eight so you two can get to know each other.
- And it's that hotel close to - - Ashok's office.
I know.
Well, he'll be there by nine.
Lucky boy.
I'm sending him the creme de la creme.
Do you want to go and look at some more suits? I should go.
- Yeah.
How much? - No, it's all right.
I'll pay.
- I've got it.
- No, it's fine.
- See you later.
- Yeah.
I'll give you a call.
How did you even get into it? A couple of years ago I met a man in a bar UHe was a perfect one night stand.
Funny.
Charming.
Great in bed.
And no expectations.
And he even gave me my cab fare home.
Or so I thought.
And just like that, without realising, I'd been paid for sex.
Would I have taken the money if it had been offered up front? Maybe.
I don't really know.
Either way, I did take it and I'm still taking it.
Today, a threesome with another escort.
I'm hardly a girl's girl but I will go gay for pay.
Hello.
So Ashok.
What's he like? He's sweet.
Quite handsome.
Athletic.
Clever.
Kind of geeky.
Gentle.
Very polite.
And he always smells nice.
I was actually wondering whether he prefers anal or vanilla.
So, what's he into? Naughty school girls? Nurse and matron? Mother Superior or novice nun? Well, this is his first threesome.
I think so.
So maybe just generic stuff.
- Girls soaping each other's breasts.
- Holiday Inn porn.
Or maybe .
.
we should make something up.
- Like what? - How about good cop, bad cop? Ah.
I'll put you down for good cop, then.
This is all quite fun.
You know.
What normal girls do.
Oh, I forgot to ask.
Do you shave or wax? Wax.
Good.
I get stubble rash.
Hey, don't look so scared.
Just getting into character.
Hello.
One, two, three Are we nearly there yet? I'm getting wanker's claw.
Relax a bit.
I need to pee.
Can you take over? OK.
- You're quite the athlete.
- You're quite flexible yourself.
Thanks.
I wish I could say it was down to Yoga.
What? You two.
Debriefing.
But I suppose put two nurses or two teachers or whatever together in a room and they're gonna talk about work.
I'm glad you think of us as a caring profession.
I do, though.
I read that book you gave me.
And? smallest type face but beautiful.
Really beautiful.
I cried like a girl.
What time is it? I should get home.
- It's quarter to ten.
- Is that all? It didn't last long.
Oh, don't worry.
A job shared is usually a job halved.
So for you two, that means half the work for double the money.
I'm sorry.
Are you auditing us? - No! - Good.
Thank you for a wonderful evening.
- And thank you - You're welcome.
The pleasure was half mine.
That was fun.
Would you erm like to hang out sometime? - Does it involve shagging? - No.
Does it involve eating Hagen Dazs and watching Pretty Woman? - Christ.
No.
- Then yes.
What's your number? No, fuck that.
What's your name? Hannah.
What's yours? Naomi.
Hello? Hello.
What are you up to now? Best present a client ever gave you? Hm.
Mini convertible.
Worst present a client ever gave you? - A hotel sewing kit.
- What? Can you believe that? Just cos it's not ringing doesn't mean it's broken.
- Boyfriend? - Friend.
He's not taking it that brilliantly.
The whole "I'm not a legal secretary" thing.
Hm.
I still find it harder telling girls.
They might give you a feminist polemic.
What they're really thinking is you're gonna steal their man.
Girls bug me.
Me too.
Half the time they're right.
I've never really got the whole female friendship thing.
With Naomi, we can talk about men and sex.
And work.
Because, for us, they're all the same thing.
I go in there to get my cervix scraped.
- Scraped?! - .
.
and you walk out with a bloody party bag! It wasn't much of a party bag.
No fairy cakes.
No hats.
Just Balloons.
Did you leave them with anything? Ooh, there was a lovely speculum swab set I had my eye on.
But in the end, I just took the condoms.
And some pens.
Come on.
Let's go.
Before you make me take them back.
I've got a new client for you.
Sounds like a Pathe News reel.
Quite junior now but got prospects.
Well, so he tells me.
I'm shagging him, Stephanie, not settling down with him.
- When is it? - Next Wednesday.
Well, it depends.
Wednesday's my regular with Ashok.
Actually, Ashok is with Naomi this week.
What? Ashok is with Naomi this week.
Can you do the auctioneer or not? - Not.
- Fine.
Call me when you've learnt to share.
The end of the affair was written from the beginning.
He's a man who pays women for sex.
I'm the whore.
At some point his tastes were bound to change.
So why am I so upset? Because who can I call to say I had a bad day at work? Hi.
Hi.
How are you? I'm good.
Yeah.
How are you? Yeah.
Good.
Good.
Actually, I'm shit.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's the matter? I lent someone a book and I don't think I'm gonna get it back.
I wish I had your problems.
Will you come round? You looked good in that wedding dress.
I can't remember if I said that.
I don't think I did.
Did you find a suit? No.
They were all as shit as 1979.
So I'm gonna wear a kilt.
- Since when were you Scottish? - My mum's granddad or something.
I love that about posh English.
Always trying to pass themselves off as Scottish or Welsh without even being to Scotland.
Hellish place.
I've missed you.
I missed you too.
While you were off playing with fanny.
I'm sorry about that.
The other day.
It's just something huge about you I didn't know.
You're my best mate.
You're the only girl I've shagged who still likes me.
Except for Vanessa.
Yeah.
Except for Vanessa.
We go out and we have dinner and we get pissed.
And we go running and we used to sleep together.
Am I ever going to be able to talk to you about this? I dunno.
Try.
Even if I act like a cock about it, I'd want you to try.
I need to ask you something.
It's a favour.
You don't have to if you don't want to.
You're not gonna ask me to have sex with you and Vanessa? What? No.
Others may pay hundreds for you but I had you when all it took was half a lager and a couple of Marlboro Lights.
Will you be my best man? :: Assembling: fatbrat:: I slept with somebody and now he won't leave.
I don't normally do this kind of thing.
Can't you just tell him his time is up? Thank you.
I didn't charge him.
That's the problem.
You're not really a legal secretary, are you? - Hi.
- Hi.
Look, just go! Some girls are too sensitive for this kind of work.
You need to get some perspective, Han.
See how normal people live.
- Normal people? - You know what I mean.
- Yeah, that sounds dead exciting.
- Can't you just take a break? Did you hear me? I said go!
Just lovely.
A lot of girls cry when they see themselves in a wedding dress.
Every little girl's dream.
Or nightmare.
You know.
If you're fat.
Hello.
Do you do girls? It says here "Yes" to anal, GFE, school uniform; "No" to scats, stags and water sports.
- You've got nothing against girls.
- What's the set-up? Threesome.
The client wants two girls.
- Who's the other one? - I haven't booked one yet.
- What about Rachel? - No, she's in Marbella.
- Tanya? - She's going to see Les Mis.
Again? How many times is that? Who knows? It's a sickness.
And what's the client like that one of us isn't enough? It's Ashok.
Ashok? Every-second-Wednesday-since- I- started Ashok? The very same.
Sometimes, two heads are better than one.
I'll find someone and call you back.
It's not that I don't like going down on girls.
It's just that I never really enjoy going out with them.
:: board.
tv4user.
de presents:: :: Assembling: fatbrat:: You're supposed to be helping me find a suit.
I know.
Can you undo this? I'm trapped.
So? What do you think? When is it again? You look like you've just stepped out of my parent's wedding photo.
- Jesus.
- Excuse me.
It's bad luck to see the bride in her gown before the big day.
It's all right.
She's not the bride.
She's just here to help.
I told my best friend that I'm a prostitute.
He hasn't said a thing.
We're both acting like everything's fine but, of course, it's not.
So, the night your sister had a baby - I can't believe I'm asking! Were you working as a prostitute? Were you doing that when we were still seeing each other? No! No.
And you have, like er What is it? A madam? An agent.
Yeah.
She's the filter.
She always knows where I am.
Is it even legal? Me? Yeah.
But her.
Not exactly.
Why do you do it? Would you believe me if I said I enjoyed it? You know I like sex.
So what is it you're doing tonight? It's a threesome.
Me and another girl from the agency.
- Who's the? - It's Ashok.
He's lovely.
- Lovely? - Yeah.
He's lovely.
He's my oldest client.
He's like my friend.
How did you even get into it? Hello? It's all arranged.
You'll be working with Naomi.
- Who's Naomi? - She's new.
I poached her from Brompton Escorts.
She's flying off the shelves.
If you know what I mean.
The room is booked from eight so you two can get to know each other.
- And it's that hotel close to - - Ashok's office.
I know.
Well, he'll be there by nine.
Lucky boy.
I'm sending him the creme de la creme.
Do you want to go and look at some more suits? I should go.
- Yeah.
How much? - No, it's all right.
I'll pay.
- I've got it.
- No, it's fine.
- See you later.
- Yeah.
I'll give you a call.
How did you even get into it? A couple of years ago I met a man in a bar UHe was a perfect one night stand.
Funny.
Charming.
Great in bed.
And no expectations.
And he even gave me my cab fare home.
Or so I thought.
And just like that, without realising, I'd been paid for sex.
Would I have taken the money if it had been offered up front? Maybe.
I don't really know.
Either way, I did take it and I'm still taking it.
Today, a threesome with another escort.
I'm hardly a girl's girl but I will go gay for pay.
Hello.
So Ashok.
What's he like? He's sweet.
Quite handsome.
Athletic.
Clever.
Kind of geeky.
Gentle.
Very polite.
And he always smells nice.
I was actually wondering whether he prefers anal or vanilla.
So, what's he into? Naughty school girls? Nurse and matron? Mother Superior or novice nun? Well, this is his first threesome.
I think so.
So maybe just generic stuff.
- Girls soaping each other's breasts.
- Holiday Inn porn.
Or maybe .
.
we should make something up.
- Like what? - How about good cop, bad cop? Ah.
I'll put you down for good cop, then.
This is all quite fun.
You know.
What normal girls do.
Oh, I forgot to ask.
Do you shave or wax? Wax.
Good.
I get stubble rash.
Hey, don't look so scared.
Just getting into character.
Hello.
One, two, three Are we nearly there yet? I'm getting wanker's claw.
Relax a bit.
I need to pee.
Can you take over? OK.
- You're quite the athlete.
- You're quite flexible yourself.
Thanks.
I wish I could say it was down to Yoga.
What? You two.
Debriefing.
But I suppose put two nurses or two teachers or whatever together in a room and they're gonna talk about work.
I'm glad you think of us as a caring profession.
I do, though.
I read that book you gave me.
And? smallest type face but beautiful.
Really beautiful.
I cried like a girl.
What time is it? I should get home.
- It's quarter to ten.
- Is that all? It didn't last long.
Oh, don't worry.
A job shared is usually a job halved.
So for you two, that means half the work for double the money.
I'm sorry.
Are you auditing us? - No! - Good.
Thank you for a wonderful evening.
- And thank you - You're welcome.
The pleasure was half mine.
That was fun.
Would you erm like to hang out sometime? - Does it involve shagging? - No.
Does it involve eating Hagen Dazs and watching Pretty Woman? - Christ.
No.
- Then yes.
What's your number? No, fuck that.
What's your name? Hannah.
What's yours? Naomi.
Hello? Hello.
What are you up to now? Best present a client ever gave you? Hm.
Mini convertible.
Worst present a client ever gave you? - A hotel sewing kit.
- What? Can you believe that? Just cos it's not ringing doesn't mean it's broken.
- Boyfriend? - Friend.
He's not taking it that brilliantly.
The whole "I'm not a legal secretary" thing.
Hm.
I still find it harder telling girls.
They might give you a feminist polemic.
What they're really thinking is you're gonna steal their man.
Girls bug me.
Me too.
Half the time they're right.
I've never really got the whole female friendship thing.
With Naomi, we can talk about men and sex.
And work.
Because, for us, they're all the same thing.
I go in there to get my cervix scraped.
- Scraped?! - .
.
and you walk out with a bloody party bag! It wasn't much of a party bag.
No fairy cakes.
No hats.
Just Balloons.
Did you leave them with anything? Ooh, there was a lovely speculum swab set I had my eye on.
But in the end, I just took the condoms.
And some pens.
Come on.
Let's go.
Before you make me take them back.
I've got a new client for you.
Sounds like a Pathe News reel.
Quite junior now but got prospects.
Well, so he tells me.
I'm shagging him, Stephanie, not settling down with him.
- When is it? - Next Wednesday.
Well, it depends.
Wednesday's my regular with Ashok.
Actually, Ashok is with Naomi this week.
What? Ashok is with Naomi this week.
Can you do the auctioneer or not? - Not.
- Fine.
Call me when you've learnt to share.
The end of the affair was written from the beginning.
He's a man who pays women for sex.
I'm the whore.
At some point his tastes were bound to change.
So why am I so upset? Because who can I call to say I had a bad day at work? Hi.
Hi.
How are you? I'm good.
Yeah.
How are you? Yeah.
Good.
Good.
Actually, I'm shit.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's the matter? I lent someone a book and I don't think I'm gonna get it back.
I wish I had your problems.
Will you come round? You looked good in that wedding dress.
I can't remember if I said that.
I don't think I did.
Did you find a suit? No.
They were all as shit as 1979.
So I'm gonna wear a kilt.
- Since when were you Scottish? - My mum's granddad or something.
I love that about posh English.
Always trying to pass themselves off as Scottish or Welsh without even being to Scotland.
Hellish place.
I've missed you.
I missed you too.
While you were off playing with fanny.
I'm sorry about that.
The other day.
It's just something huge about you I didn't know.
You're my best mate.
You're the only girl I've shagged who still likes me.
Except for Vanessa.
Yeah.
Except for Vanessa.
We go out and we have dinner and we get pissed.
And we go running and we used to sleep together.
Am I ever going to be able to talk to you about this? I dunno.
Try.
Even if I act like a cock about it, I'd want you to try.
I need to ask you something.
It's a favour.
You don't have to if you don't want to.
You're not gonna ask me to have sex with you and Vanessa? What? No.
Others may pay hundreds for you but I had you when all it took was half a lager and a couple of Marlboro Lights.
Will you be my best man? :: Assembling: fatbrat:: I slept with somebody and now he won't leave.
I don't normally do this kind of thing.
Can't you just tell him his time is up? Thank you.
I didn't charge him.
That's the problem.
You're not really a legal secretary, are you? - Hi.
- Hi.
Look, just go! Some girls are too sensitive for this kind of work.
You need to get some perspective, Han.
See how normal people live.
- Normal people? - You know what I mean.
- Yeah, that sounds dead exciting.
- Can't you just take a break? Did you hear me? I said go!