Secret Diary of a Call Girl s03e04 Episode Script

Episode 4

What are you trying to say to the reader? I want you.
I think about you at night.
It just feels a bit stuck.
Like you've hit a wall.
- Look, I think it's great - But Well, maybe we just need a different tack.
Like, 'What is kinky? Why does 'different' do it for some men? Could you find someone unusual? Would you be up for that? Yeah.
I mean, yeah, I'd be I'd very, very up for that.
Duncan shouldn't be trying to pair you up with some weirdo.
He's your editor, yeah, he's not your pimp.
- No, it's just research.
- Hannah, you're on his books to make money.
That's what you are to him.
A cash cow.
That's sweet, Ben, and really nicely put! How's your lovely girlfriend, by the way? All right, all right! How's my lovely sister, by the way? It wasn't meant to go on like this.
You know, develop.
There is a traditional way of dealing with that, Ben.
We call it 'finishing' with someone.
Why don't you help me here? You're her sister.
- It's better coming from you.
-What? Yeah, if you spoke to her for me, she'd have you there, wouldn't she? For support.
No way.
Your problem, you deal with it.
Hi, Ben.
Hey Hi, babes.
So, how's that rich guy? You still seeing him? No, although he did stay at mine last night.
- He just needed somewhere to crash.
- Did he pay you? Course not! It was a laugh.
He's taking the piss, Bambi.
I'm happy, is that a crime? God, I hope I never turn out like you.
- What? - A cynical old prozzie.
- I just don't want you to get hurt.
- You don't even know him.
Well, I know that he's loaded and I know he's not paying you.
The longer it goes on, the worse it'll be when it goes wrong.
And it has to go wrong, does it? Yeah.
It is me we're talking about, isn't it? No, it's not you, it's just the job.
Maybe they'll be the exception to the rule.
Yeah, maybe.
So, I located Mr Kinky Sexy Des.
Now, I have to warm the custard to body temperature How am I supposed to know when Why didn't I listen in cookery? Now, for this client, I have to look impeccable.
- Hi, Des.
- Hi, Belle.
Good to meet you.
You look nice.
Oh, this is for you before I forget.
Thanks, Des.
May I er? Thanks.
Lovely.
Oh, I've got a change of clothes with me.
Thanks for getting dressed up.
Oh, that is a lovely spread! - Perfect.
- Yeah? - I made it! - Really? Fantastic! And this is your first time, is it? - Yeah.
- Oh, that's brilliant.
It's great when someone new comes to it.
You are gonna love it.
It's just about letting go.
You know - Is there somewhere I can pop this? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- It's just it's just in there.
- Oh, right.
Sploshing, the art of getting wet and down and dirty.
I might just Yeah, great.
Oh, that's wicked, that is.
Good.
I'm into everything, me.
- You know - Yeah? Yeah.
Mud Mm - Water - Yeah Beans - Pasta - Beans! Pasta! My ex-girlfriend we used to see how many beans we could fit - in her bikini - Yeah? Yeah.
I'd like beans in my bikini.
Oh, you dirty girl! Oh, hang about you're going to make me come.
Is that a problem? No, no, it's er Are you ready for some? Yeah.
Great.
Right, choose any of them.
Throw it at me.
Aim for the face.
Ok.
Are you ready for this? Oh, no.
don't.
Wow! My eyes! I can't see! Oh, hang on.
- Here's a towel.
- Oh, thanks.
- Are you all right? - Yeah I just - Right - Are you all right? Yeah.
Ok What shall we do now, then? I don't mind.
You choose.
No, no you choose.
- Beans? - Beans You're gonna love this.
Yeah, I can feel I am.
- Top or bottom? - Surprise me! - Knickers then.
- Ok! - Is that all of them? - No, no, no.
I'm just seeing how you like it.
A bit faster or slower? I really don't mind.
There's more, is there? You're not enjoying any of this, are you? - there's no point carrying on if you don't like it.
- No, it's just just my ankle, then my eye, the cream - It's only cream.
- Yeah.
Look, I I think I better clean up and go.
It's obviously not your thing.
I just I just think I'm not the right girl to splosh with.
- All right.
- All right.
How am I gonna write that up? I'm gonna need some help.
A firm editorial hand What?! 'The Rules' are there to be broken.
Now what I'm about to do requires courage, focus and most important of all the right shoes.
I love you! - Hello.
- Hi.
Where is everyone? Oh, they're at a sales conference.
- The event of the year.
- But you're not there No.
Won't you be missed? Lots of people telling each other how fantastic their departments are isn't my idea of fun.
What is your idea of fun, Duncan? That dress, the cut of it How would you get into something like that? It's got a zip.
Here.
See? And the shoes? Do you like these? Yeah, they're great.
Very erm Fuckable? I was going to say vintage.
Duncan - Belle - Can we just tell the truth? That'sa big ask for this time of day.
But we can try.
You go first.
Sorry, that was a really bad idea, wasn't it? Yeah, that was really terrible.
This is great, isn't it? I thought you said a picnic.
- Jackie - Yeah? - I can't do this.
- You can.
You're doing it, look.
It's only like riding a bike.
No, I mean us.
Oh, right Right Hiya.
I got you a bike.
- Yeah? - But I forgot to buy a bloody lock thing for it, so we'd best get it up there quick, anyway.
You all right? You look a bit I need to talk to you.
Ok What? You can't just turn up here.
Well, you're scaring me now.
- No, please.
I'm serious.
- What? Don't We met because you wanted to pay me for sex - and and now now - Now we don't have to do all that.
- No, no, we don't.
- But We're in very different positions here.
You were my client and I'm a prostitute, - and that's never going to go away.
- I don't care.
- Not now.
- But you will.
And it'll be worse because we'll be totally involved.
I don't wanna get hurt like that.
- I won't hurt you.
- You don't know that.
Is it because you think I'm odd? No.
- No, no, it's not you - Stupid fucking bike! I have to go.
I'm late for a client.
The afternoon I was expecting.
How are you? I am very Er very I can't think of the word.
Call yourself an editor.
Do you have to be anywhere? No.
Good.
You? No But We should probably They'll be coming back soon.
- Really? - Most of them will go to the pub, but one or two of the keen boys might not.
The poetry lot.
Do you need a cab? No, I'm fine.
I'll I'll just walk.
- You sure? - Yeah.
It's been nice being with you.
Sounds a bit final.
It wasn't meant to.
You're probably right.
One-offs are always the best.
Hey.
Hey! Hey.
What's the matter? Nothing.
I finished it with Jackie.
You don't look elated.
Please don't tell me you realise she's 'the one'.
I don't think I could take it after the day I've had.
No.
She's not the one.
I just don't feel particularly good about it.
Or myself.
Well, you had to end it sometime, didn't you? So why has your day been shit? Well I I had a client who almost blinded me.
Wasn't great.
And then I saw Duncan.
You shagged him, didn't you? Did I? Did I? I probably think I did.
Yep.
Well, it's what you wanted, wasn't it? - Yeah, sort of.
- What, you've gone off him now that he's into you? No, no.
It's the opposite.
He's not into me.
It was just a quick Well, it wasn't quick - I don't want to know! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now you know how I felt about Jackie.
At least Duncan's not your sister.
That's nice.
- You can have one slice.
- I will.
Jackie? Jack? - Bambi? - Can I come up? Yeah, ok.
"Hi, Han, it's me.
I'm home.
Patrick wants to talk.
I guess we've got a lot to talk about.
Anyhow, look, thanks for having me and erm by the way, your best friend's a wanker.
" I did it.
I told Byron you know, that it just wasn't gonna work out.
How did he take it? Er all right.
I really think it's just better to cut him off before you get too into him.
Yeah, I suppose - All for the best.
- Yeah.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Who needs boys when you've got girls and Champagne? Have you been making toast? No, I just got in.
Why, do you want some? No, no I can smell it.
So can I.
I think it's coming from outside.
Oh, my God! Byron! Byron! It wasn't meant to rain.
What is kinky? Something with kinks or twists Well, that's all of us, isn't it? It's just a matter of finding who fits with your kinks.
To be loved unconditionally that would be something.