Secret Girlfriend (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

You Have to Choose Between Two Girls or You Get a New Girlfriend

Phil, you've so many girls.
It's unbelievable.
- Thanks.
- How do you do it? What's the secret? Well, Sam, the first thing you have to do is establish physical contact with your object of desire.
Okay, like grab-ass or noogies.
No, Sam.
- Hugs.
- Hugs? - You don't say.
- Watch.
There's the "reunion.
" - Sam? - Phil? the "statue of liberty," and the riskiest hug of all Hot girl, do you know the Heimlich? The "safety hug.
" - Those were some tasty hugs.
- You bet.
That last girl gave me her phone number.
- 555.
There's your first problem.
- Sam.
Welcome to Secret Girlfriend, the first show starring you.
These are your friends.
This is your ex.
This is the girl you're hiding from your ex.
Secret girlfriend.
Welcome to your world.
If a girl like that was throwing me those kind of looks, she'd already be in the backseat of my car disappointed.
- Go.
Chat her up.
Engage.
- Go.
Go.
We're the only family I know that has week-long reunions.
At least this year it's in Hawaii.
Oh, my uncle passed out t-shirts that say, "14th annual Johnson invasion.
" Yeah.
Awesome seeing your grandma in one of those.
Miss ya.
This is madness.
You can't bench yourself.
You can have any lady in here.
Hey.
I like Jess, but you're not even dating.
And if you were, she's in Hawaii.
Probably macking it with a cabana boy named Diego.
"Hola, I am Diego.
- I will rub you in many locations.
" - Si.
I learned English at Arizona state university.
You know, actually, I'm happy.
If you're gonna put your dick on ice tonight, maybe you could help us out.
Great call, Sammy.
We don't have to eat your leftovers tonight.
We can have your entrees.
Finally some sloppy firsts.
You bring the whores to water, we'll make 'em drink.
Now go out there and get me someone hot, but not too hot.
You know why.
The situation.
Hey.
Okay, normally, I don't go up to guys in bars, but your friend was talking you up so much that I had to meet you.
So Doctors Without Borders, huh? Uh, yeah.
Doctors.
No borders.
God damn it, you're hot.
- Maybe too hot.
- Thank you.
You are so sweet.
It's not a compliment.
And funny.
Is this the guy? Hi.
- So what do you do? - Oh, I'm a model.
- Really.
- Yup.
You're a model.
I mean, I got to say, to look at you, I wouldn't - you know, I just to look at you, it's not immediately - I'm a hand model.
Oh, okay.
Of course.
Mind if I look at your hands? Sure.
So, what do you say? You want to go back to your place? Oh, boy.
Umm, okay.
Sure.
Too hot.
I like where this is going.
Yeah? But, uh, quick thought.
- Do you mind using your hand, instead? - My hand? It's just that I prefer to be pleasured by the part of you that's a model if that's at all possible? Surprise.
I know what you're thinking.
Crazy Mandy showing up in your bedroom unannounced to do some crazy Mandy thing, like make sweet love to you or make angry love to you or kill you.
But actually I'm here to apologize.
I know I've done some awful things, and you were so right to break up with me.
I mean, I don't expect for you to take me back, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't at least say I was sorry.
I really love you.
Sam, kiss me.
Okay, if you absolutely insist.
Just before we start, I want you to just know did you just Yeah.
- Didn't you? - No.
Well, that's a sound I'll be haunted by for some time.
Dude, you should have known better than to hook Sammy up with such a hot chick.
His hair-trigger junk can't take that kind of stimulus.
I blame you.
Speaking of which, how's your dick? It's awful.
You'd think a hand model would know how to use her hand.
- That is the stereotype.
- Not anymore.
If my dick could cry, it would.
Yeah, mine did.
In my pants.
Hey, did I hear a girl in your room last night? That was me.
But it was completely platonic.
He and I are through, and I've finally come to terms with that.
Oh, look at me, I'm Mandy, pretending not to be crazy anymore.
I deserve that, Phil.
In fact, I owe you an apology too.
Wait, what? You've had to put up with a lot from me the last couple of months.
The late-night booty calls, the screaming, the fighting, basically me being a total psycho.
I'm sorry.
Sam, Phil, I hope you guys can find it in your hearts to forgive me.
In fact, I would like you all to come to my father's birthday party this evening.
I thought you were forged in the bowels of hell.
No, I wasn't.
Dude, nobody's more anti-Mandy than me, but that was positively lucid.
You know how everyone has an evil twin? Well, it's like you were dating the evil twin the whole time, and now the good twin's come along and hollowed out the evil one and climbed inside.
Best part is, they're identical.
- Attaboy, Sam.
Excellent piece of gibberish.
- Thanks.
Still here at the Johnson family reunion.
Still listening to uncle Gary go off on immigrants.
Apparently, they're the reason why his son is gay.
Oh, hey, and good news.
I booked an early flight home.
I'm not gonna sugarcoat this any longer.
I want to make sweet, sweaty, dirty love to you Oh, hey, stepmom! 'Sup, fellas? Phil here.
Just because a woman has pretty hands doesn't mean she knows how to use 'em.
Don't believe me? Check this out.
Whoa, check it out.
It's old money.
Doesn't count.
This place is awesome.
That's it.
I'm getting rich.
You're gonna get a job? No.
Pirate treasure.
It's out there, I'm finding it.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Mandy.
Welcome to the part-ay.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Could I steal you away just for a sec? Thank you so much for being here.
It means a lot.
Here is what you need to know.
My dad likes firm hand shakes and golf.
And latinas.
Rosalita the maid is now Rosalita the stepmom.
Oh, and I told my sister Heather to go hit on Phil.
He'll love it.
And she's looking to piss off my dad by hooking up with a loser.
It's win-win.
- That's a good champers.
- Good champers.
You look hungry.
Mini crab cake? Hi.
You must be Phil.
Yeah.
My dad would hate you.
My dad would try to bang you.
and to move into this too quick would I just don't want to get hurt again.
Where are you going? That chick's been on Phil's jock since we got here.
I'd get in there and help him, but I don't want to go near her.
I'm afraid of what might happen.
I don't know if you noticed.
I've been smiling at you all day.
- I'm Amy.
- Hi.
Amy, you said your name was? Gosh, that is such a pretty name.
Could you excuse us for a moment? See that? New Mandy.
No anger.
That was fun.
She seemed nice.
Yeah, nice girl.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I just wanted to thank you all for coming here to celebrate my birthday with myself and my lovely wife rosalita.
Ow! My penis! Did you just Yeah.
Did you? - No.
- On my birthday, Heather? On my birthday? Amor.
So what do you say? Want to get out of here? You know you're powerless once I get you in the sack.
Whore! God damn it! God, I'm horny.
So say good-bye to these.
We'll always find our way back together.
You stink of whore.
Murder you.
Kill you.
I don't want to be your secret girlfriend anymore.
Good morning.
You mother, this isn't over.
I will kill her, I will cook her, I will watch you eat her, and then I'll kill you, you cannibal mother Hey.
You like pancakes? This is secret girlfriend.
Welcome to your world.
- Did you tap it? Did you tap it? - Sam, I'm standing right here.
- And, yes, he did.
Thrice.
- About time, bitches.
Yo, bring it in.
So tell me, did she cry? 'Cause whenever I have sex on a girl for the first time, she always cries.
Your fridge smells like my grandma's apartment in the summer.
Sure, the fridge smells.
- You know what else smells? Sam.
- No.
We gonna get rid of him? You're whipped.
She owns you.
Next thing you know, you're gonna be at Crate and Barrel registering for a pani press.
Are you crazy? Jessica's cool.
Don't listen to him.
You're fine.
Hey, hon, I gotta say, your room is a total disaster.
I just lost my thong in there.
- I guess I'm just gonna have to clean your room.
- Pani press.
I'm gonna go keep looking.
Bye.
Damn it.
Whore.
Whore.
Dude, you know she's gonna kill her, right? Seriously.
Oh, thank God.
I thought I killed you.
But now that you're not dead, you tell that bitch this isn't over.
I forgive you.
I still love you.
- Hey, Mandy.
- Oh, sh You got hit by a car, and we missed it? Do it again, do it again! Oh, dude, you are up.
Oh.
Like empowerment and shaving.
Equal pay and foreplay.
No, politics.
Finger.
Kisses.
This is our masterpiece.
I never thought we could top that video where you tea-bagged that cup of tea.
Scorched my balls.
Never again.
Oh, by the way, my sister's having a pool party for her 18th birthday.
Really? Yes.
Finally.
No, no, no.
You're not gonna do that turd-in-the-pool trick.
And if you're gonna call it a trick, it can't be a real turd.
When Phil's sister was 15, she said, and I quote, "Sam, I'm too young for you.
" "Wait until the day I turn 18, and then I'm yours for banging.
" Her words.
Okay.
Good luck with that, buddy.
I'm gonna bang your sister I'm gonna bang your sister I'm gonna bang your sister I'm gonna bang your sister I'm gonna bang your sister I'm gonna bang your sister I'm gonna bang your sister I'm gonna bang your sister I'm gonna bang your sister I'm gonna bang your sister I'm gonna bang your sister and she's gonna cry Why do they always cry? Okay, seriously, pick a key, and write a new verse.
Pool party for her b-day Where I will get a bj All right, you stepped it down to oral.
I appreciate that.
- Is that what you're wearing to the party? - You wish.
Saw you with your new girlfriend this morning.
Bummed.
Guess I missed my window.
Let's go.
I got a sister to bang.
Wow.
All my sisters' friends really, uh, grew up.
Sammy, check it out.
Cute Asian girl.
Totally making eye-babies with you.
Forget Chloe, man.
If I were you, I would be on that like you on rice.
Sorry, Phil, but I'm laser-focused.
The only woman I bed tonight entered this world through your mother's vagina.
- Wow.
- Yeah, wow.
These eyes are on the prize.
Do I know you from somewhere? Uh, no.
No, you do not.
I so do.
You're the human tea bag.
I love you.
- Wrong guy.
- Totally right guy.
Shut up.
That's, like, the most awesome video ever.
I have it on my phone.
Uh, no, we don't need to Pip, pip, look at a clock.
It's tea time.
Bloody 'ell! Why is this the choice that I made? Oh, my God.
A web star.
Oh, you're so cool.
Okay, there's hot dogs over there.
Guess who.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
Can you believe how huge this house is? I'm gonna go check out the back.
Come on.
Now she's got you buying her a house.
Open your eyes.
You done.
Like when she made you hold her beer.
That's like holding her purse.
A purse full of beer.
Pump it.
You didn't hear any of this commitment stuff pre-bang, did you? Now it's only a matter of time before you're seeing Mamma Mia with her parents.
Mark my words.
Flip it.
Hey, sexy.
I hope you've got some sunscreen on, because I don't want you getting all wrinkly when you're old.
Pani press.
- What'd you say? - Nothing.
Dude, there's Chloe.
Where's Phil? It's showtime.
- We meet again, human tea bag.
- Yeah, because you keep following me.
Go away.
I just nuked this in the microwave.
Maybe we can have a live performance.
Look, I've told you ten times already.
That stunt fried my nut sack.
I will never do it again.
Ever.
Got it? No.
Move.
What's up, milady? Who's ready to unwrap her birthday gift? Sam? In the flesh.
And bone in my kimone.
What the happened to you? You look awful.
Damn.
Nothing.
- Just gained a few lbs.
No big.
- A few? When I was 13, you were hot.
And you sent me this picture one year ago.
It may have been airbrushed a pixel or two.
Look, it's all good, baby.
One week at the gym, and I'll get it all back.
The old sixer's in there somewhere.
- Pretty tempting, huh, sis? - Ugh.
- Go in there.
Reach deep.
Hey.
Not gonna bang your sister Not gonna bang your sister For now Hey, there you are.
This party's great, but you know what I love more than parties? What we did this morning.
You want to get out of here? - Is he-whoa! - No, he's not here.
Don't give me that bull.
I know he's here with that skinny bitch.
You tell me where he is, or I'll break off that golf pencil you call a dick and choke you with it.
Well, look who wants to touch my dick.
What? What's going on? Where are we going? Taking me in the garage.
I like the way you think.
Why go all the way home when we can do it here? Pool table? Ooh.
Dirty back corner.
Even better.
What are you talking about? Chloe's not in here.
But I am.
- Kiss me, human tea bag.
- Whoa.
Hey.
What are you doing? I don't know how to play pool.
There's a stick and hole.
Ow, watch the kimono.
That's 10% silk.
Oh, God, she's raping me.
Oh, dear God, she's raping me! Dude, get out of here.
She's raping me.
Oh, you're a sick.
Wow, seeing Sam naked changes things.
Makes me long for the time before I saw Sam naked.
Oh, by the way, my parents are in town this weekend.
I'd love for you to meet them.
Pani press! I think Phil's hungry.
Wait a second.
You're with this slob? He's way worse than me.
He makes me laugh.
Oh, that's sweet.
That's the good stuff.
Dude, Mandy's back, and she just found Jessica.
- I'm sorry.
What the hell are you doing here, Mandy? - What the hell am I I'm his girlfriend.
He dumped your ass three months ago.
You are not his girlfriend.
You're his stalker.
And guess what.
He's with me now.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
Really? Then why are we still having sex? And why am I pregnant? What? Okay, fine, I'm not pregnant.
B ut I totally could be.
You want to know why? Because I poke holes in his condoms.
Okay, fine, I don't, but I totally could.
Can you say something here and let this crazy bitch know that I am your girlfriend now? Who are you calling a crazy bitch, you crazy bitch? What? What are you gonna do? I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you.
You're so dead.
Hey, what's up, hot neighbor? I didn't know you were gonna be here.