Seed (2013) s01e12 Episode Script

Always Use a Condo

Harry threw a snowball at me.
And it hit me.
Right in the head.
Then Billy threw one and it got me right in the nads! Really hard.
Kid's got a good arm.
Nads, really? We prefer to use the proper name for body parts.
Harry got hit in the penis.
Just call it a dingaling? We're not doctors.
And I did not get hit in the "penis".
Stop it! I got hit in the family jewels.
Use the proper name.
Can we throw more snow balls? Snow testicles, Billy.
Harry, get out.
Okay, jeeze don't get your mammary glands in a knot.
Michelle, euphemisms will only confuse Billy in the long run.
What's a euphemism? We'll tell you when you're older.
I used to give, give, give.
I gave to these two ladies.
That's my boy.
Oh, and I'm also their donor.
That's kind of my daughter, huh huh huh.
And she's a little bit pregnant with my baby too.
I'm Harry.
But the kids, they call me dad.
Relax, Rose.
We're gonna ace the preschool interview.
That thing needs school already? We're trying to get on a wait list.
It's the city's top preschool program.
So, what does that mean? Cushier mats at nap time? Tastier finger paint? Rose, trust me.
We got this.
Our application was awesome.
I'm assuming.
It was fantastic.
Though I did have to gloss over your whole you.
Your resume, not so great.
Hey I've got the only resume that counts.
Life experience.
I'm an academic, you're a bartender.
Whose resume do you think will impress them? Well I guess it depends on how thirsty they are.
Trust me on this.
Applications are my thing.
But hey, you know what, you did your part, Harry.
So thanks.
You're welcome.
What did I do again? You sent that Letter of Recommendation in from Janet.
A published child psychologist! That'll seal the deal.
Harvard here we come.
Oh! Don't forget to wear a tie! You never sent that Letter, did you? Of course I did n't.
Oh, wow, that must be one heck of a snowman.
You got the neighbours watching.
It's a snow-woman.
You gave body parts their proper names and look what he does.
Well, it's cute.
You seem cold, Daphne? Okay I think it's time to give Billy "The Talk.
" The Sex Talk? No way.
He's only nine.
No, I think the birds and the bees can wait.
No no no no no.
No no no no.
Oh, I hate these corporate retreats.
Did you remember to pack your presentation notes? Last year you forgot them, and you had to bore everyone off the top of your head.
I've never felt so alive.
Umm hmm.
Did you pack a proper dinner jacket? I'm a grown man.
Not trusting Anastasia is one thing, but I can pack my own garment bag.
Which I left in the lobby.
Leaving Anastasia on her own was a bad idea.
Your bad idea.
She gave us her word.
No parties, no hot tubs, no Harry.
I trust Anastasia; She's growing into a mature responsible young lady.
Really? She said that if there was an emergency, she would Google 911.
Our daughter is an angel.
I guarantee Ana will behave herself.
Our daughter, no way.
I'll be in the lobby.
Umm hmm.
Okay, I fixed the hot tub.
Didn't your parents warn you the drains were all messed up? They just told me not to use it while they're at my Dad's stupid corporate retreat.
What did they expect? Don't they know me at all? So you going to throw a party? The doorman has my mom on speed dial.
For the next three days I can't even have one friend over.
That's so unreasonable.
Why doesn't she trust me? Do you know where she keeps the key to the liquor cabinet? I'm sorry, but I cannot aid you in your delinquency.
I couldn't find the key either.
Oh hey, I need your mom to write me a letter saying that I'm responsible and awesome She wouldn't do that, even if she was here.
I know.
I stole her letterhead and wrote it myself.
You can forge her signature, right? Even with my left hand.
Thank you! Well, hello.
Who are you? The neighbour's house keeper.
You live here? Oh.
Yes, I do.
I'm Harry Dacosta the third.
Hey, no more Snow- women, Billy.
Come on inside, I have something for you.
Who's looking for a snuggle? Mr.
Correcto! You remember him, he's the sloth who teaches kids that labels don't matter? Michelle, he's not a baby anymore.
Arrest that woman, Billy.
That stuff's for kids.
You're a cute little boy and you're going to stay that way forever.
Why don't you finish your snow-man while Mom and I talk, OK.
A Snow man?! Oh well that's great.
It isn't my best work.
I couldn't find a carrot that was big enough.
A carrot big enough for? His nose? Oh we're having The Talk.
Hi there, I have an interview in about an hour and I need to put this letter in my application-Dolores? Reference letters were due last week.
I'm sorry, I can't.
At least dinner then, beautiful? I'm married.
The best ones are always taken.
Ohh, let me see what I can do.
Harry? You're forty-five minutes early and you smell like, nothing! Great vest! You look like Jonathan.
I'm I'm impressed.
See Rose, I'm not just a crappy resume.
I'm awesome.
Rose Mabely? I'm truly sorry, but your interview's been canceled.
Your application was declined.
Because I was late with the-nothing? What did you do? How exactly is this his fault? There's a comment from Mr.
Smith, 'Rose Mabely is not Windsor Academy material.
' What? I'm sorry.
No, no, Harry's not Windsor Academy material.
Harry's the problem.
We got declined because of Rose? Not me? Yes! Awesome! Devastating news.
I love that I'm living here while your parents are away! I love your place! The bathroom has heated floors.
Your neighbours thanked me for blasting my music.
They're sick of your stuff.
Your fridge has every food group! And I can have a friend over! Switching places was a great idea, Anastasia.
I mean, you get the freedom you want.
And I I get what I want.
I gotta go.
I'm getting another call.
Hello? Harry, I need a favor.
Jonathan? How's the retreat? You're not coming home yet, right? Yeah I know I'm at work, Irene! What can I do for you, buddy? I need you to go over and check in on Anastasia.
Make sure she's in before curfew.
I need to prove that she's trustworthy.
I'm sure Anastasia's safe at home putting her feet up, looking at your ugly artwork.
That's what caviar looks like?! I haven't been rich for very long.
Hey, Johnny.
I don't want Janet catching Anastasia in any sort of trouble.
Imagine if she started smoking my cuban cigars! You have cubans? In my desk drawer.
Now when you get to the condo, count how many I have.
Make sure Ana doesn't touch any.
How many do you think you have? Half a dozen? I promise that's how many you'll have when you get home.
Oh, can you re-hide the key to the liquor cabinet, I think Ana may have seen Janet put it under the purple vase.
Yes yes yes.
I guess, yes yes.
I can do that for a friend.
Oh and put away my decanter of scotch.
Anastasia will not touch your scotch.
Okay, just a sec.
I'm getting another call.
Hello? Harry, listen I want you to encourage Anastasia to have a party at the condo tonight.
What? I know on the surface it doesn't make sense, but if you were a trained psychologist like me, you would understand.
Get her to party it up.
Oookay Nothing too over the top.
Just rip a few cushions, generate a few noise complaints, maybe spill some drinks in the kitchen- How bout the rug in the family room? Okay, just give me evidence of a party! Okay! Hold on.
Jonathan, I'd like to help, but what's in it for me? A bottle of that scotch that you like.
Just the one? Oh, fine.
Take my whole supply.
I like the sound of this.
Hold on.
Janet, what's in it for me? Uh, how bout that scotch Jonathan bought? Do I look like a booze hound to you? A little respect, please.
Okay fine, how bout a letter of recommendation for your kid's preschool.
Fine! A weekend at our cabin.
But Anastasia cannot know about this conversation.
Deal? You can trust me.
It's a deal, Janet.
Jonathan, you got a deal buddy.
Great! What a tough day.
I think maybe we should celebrate.
And after your presentation, go home a day early.
I would love that.
Okay the preschool's website says we can reapply with extenuating circumstances.
on our application.
I'm pretty sure that qualifies.
Ooh, redheads are a visible minority, right? Alright we've tried the by-the-book method.
Maybe it's time for a good old fashioned bribe? Alright what do we know about the headmaster, Byron Smith? Look there's a photo of him right there.
They actually call him headmaster.
Funny, right? Head.
That is Byron Smith? He runs the school? He told me his name was Bernie.
Hey, you know that nerd? How would I? That'd be weird.
I don't know people.
I'm a loner.
Very lonely.
What, did you sleep with him or something? You slept with him! No.
A little bit.
And then he got married, and now, you remind him of his past.
You slept with him when he was married! Nice.
Okay you've done worse.
I never sleep with fully married people.
Separated, absolutely.
The night of a bride's rehearsal dinner yeah maybe once.
But never married married.
It was years ago.
Oh my God.
It's not my past that's holding us back.
Rose, it's yours! Ha! Hey! I'm ready for The Talk.
No, no, you are not part of this discussion that we are not having.
I'm giving The Talk.
As a lesbian, who's dabbled in the heterosexual arts in my youth, I'm the most qualified.
Billy is not going to get a guide to the Male Sexual Handbook from someone who has never owned the parts.
Femininity, reproduction, sexuality are my areas of expertise.
But I'm a boy.
Great points.
Let's table this discussion for a couple years.
Okay, I'm going to start him off with some Playboys, and then out of respect for your lifestyle I figure I'm also going to show some lady-on-lady action.
Hey, that's how my dad taught me.
My dad was terrible.
Okay I appreciate your enthusiasm Harry, but I've forgotten more about sex than you two will ever learn.
So I'm giving The Talk.
What am I going to do with all these magazines? You know what um Have a I'll talk to you guys later.
That is not mine, Rosey.
It's been a while.
So you run the preschool? You told me you were the dean of a college.
You told me you were a librarian.
We were role-playing.
I am a librarian.
Did you even look at my wait-list application? Not entirely, but it did have Helvetica Medium.
I can't have you at this school, Rose.
We have too much history.
That is so unfair.
Just like when you dumped me.
I was married.
If my wife had found out, it would have been a disaster.
What if she found out now? You're not going to blackmail me.
Are you sure, Head Master? Are we role-playing? Ugh.
You're married.
Recently divorced.
It's so smooth.
It sucks my kid can't go here.
We're never going to get to see each other.
Is there anything you can do for a friend? Not without knowing why Rose was rejected.
That's a bit of a racy story.
Byron! Rose! That wasn't part of the plan! I thought you were going to blackmail him.
I was not.
- Honey, she seduced me.
- You just told me you were divorced.
You're still married? And to her? Ugh, how many times am I going to fall for your whole 'I'm not married' thing.
I am blacklisting both of you from every preschool in the city! Your child will never learn to tie its own shoes! - Dolores, I thought we were connecting.
- You two have a thing? Byron, we will be divorced.
Loosey goosey and soft arms, out.
Soft arms? Yeah, you want to touch? Come on.
Oh that's why; Because it looks like a tea bag.
I get it.
Okay you said that you were ready to teach Billy the fundamentals.
I wasn't ready for all his questions.
I just need some visual aids.
This site's asking for a credit card.
I'm not learning anything.
Can I see a naked girl? Sure, Mommy's just looking for a better picture than the one in those books.
- Ew.
- Can I see a naked one in real life? Billy go to your room! No boobs for you today, young man.
You either.
We're home.
OH MY GOODNESS look what happened to our What? There was no party? Hey guys.
Got your texts.
Yes! The place looks great.
The place is so clean.
That's what you get for dating a cleaning lady and giving her a set of keys.
Is that my jacket? No.
And my sweater? No.
My tie? No.
That's not my tie? No.
So where is Anastasia? No idea.
Ah! So she's out past curfew! I was right.
I'm sorry I let you down, Jonathan.
What? You called Harry? What ever happened to trusting our daughter? I can't believe you went behind my back.
What, you called me too.
Sorry, it's just hard to keep track of everything.
My neighbour.
My party guests are racing mattresses down the stairs.
I'm not having a party.
Hey guys! Leave those frisbees alone! What is going on here? Did Harry send you? Aw, I can't believe he didn't trust me! Harry didn't send us.
Okay wait? Harry isn't ever here? No.
Why? Billy ran away.
He's missing.
It's Harry.
He's with Jonathan and Janet.
And he knows where Billy is.
And you're not going to like it.
I really respect the no-touching rule.
I wish we had that at school.
You are so cute.
If Billy's here, I'll find him, Harry.
So what type of dancing do you do? Exotic.
Like from the rainforest? Oh, God, there you are.
Billy, are you okay? Rose.
I found him wandering outside, and when he said he was Harry's son, I knew just who to call.
Of course you have Harry's phone number.
So she called Harry, Harry called me.
And I live just a block away.
You live in this neighborhood? Yeah.
It's not that bad.
What are you doing in a strip club? I wanted to see a naked girl.
I'm a VIP.
Can I get a fresh one? Hello? Woah.
Amateur night is Thursday.
Our baby's in there! This is your fault.
How? I am not sure yet.
But Billy's inside this hellhole.
Hey, those girls in there are just trying to get an education.
Can you let them in, Timmy? You look familiar.
Did you used to be a regular? No.
Oh great.
Here comes the lecture.
Believe me, we are tired of always being the bad guys.
But you crossed the line this time.
Your behavior was totally unacceptable.
What? You threw a party in my apartment! You sound just like them.
I don't want strangers playing my records, beating my Xbox scores, and replacing my liquor with iced tea.
I'd never do that to you.
You'd figure it out as soon as you tasted it.
No I wouldn't.
I would.
You're right.
Things got out of control.
It wasn't my fault.
If it's your party, it's your fault.
You're being totally unreasonable.
I'm being totally UN-unreasonable.
Can you believe him? Harry is such a drag.
He's the worst.
Yeah! Billy? He's fine.
He's with his moms now.
I knew the girls would take care of him.
I cannot believe you told Byron's wife the truth.
Of all the times to be honest! How could you be so stupid? Me? No.
You're the one who slept with the married guy.
Ugh, it's not fair that one mistake screws up your entire future.
Don't sweat it, okay? There's lots of families out there looking to adopt white babies.
We're good, Lexus.
You know strippers by name, and it's me screwing up our baby's future? It's destiny.
No, it's not.
No, it's Destiny.
Hey, Destiny.
I want you to wait outside.
Your father has gone to get the keys from Harry.
Why was Harry driving your car? He said he knew the fastest way here from any point in the city.
You know I can't believe that you had a party.
The next time we go away you are getting a sitter.
Maybe two.
Listen to your Mom.
My parents left me unsupervised a lot.
You see? Do you want to end up like her? No offense.
I just want my freedom, ok? I don't want you always telling me that I can't have fun, or I have to stay in Math.
Ugh, Math.
I dropped that the first chance I got.
As if having a couple things in common with her, is going to turn me into a stripper.
Anastasia! What? Hey how did you know my name? Go to the car.
Just go to the car now.
I only have eighteen dollars.
How did you learn about the body? Maybe this is a question to ask your dad, Billy? Oh well his Dad isn't his real Dad.
Been there.
Hey, what's the problem? Billy's sodas cost twelve bucks each.
And one of the girls "Fantasia" wants a twenty for every song that she was babysitting.
Amateur When I was dancing Just a bit short of cash.
I'll just go to the ATM.
Is that what you teach your son? Hey buddy.
Never use ATM's in strip clubs or casinos.
I just wanted to see a naked girl.
Totally normal.
But you know what? The fun is in the waiting.
Look, you can totally ask questions at any time, okay? 'Kay.
But this isn't the place you want to find those answers.
Men like us, we've searched for answers here.
A lot.
But we realized it wasn't a good life move.
Got it.
Good talk, Harry.
That was the Talk? That's all? I should become a stripper to get back at my mom.
And you.
There's nothing worse than being a stripper.
Sorry, she's my daughter.
And besides, you'd never make it.
You inherited my bad knees.
Harry about your apartment.
Yeah, let's talk about that.
Your parents abandoned you and you treated me like I was your 'dad' dad.
You screwed up.
You went behind my back; You were irresponsible You did exactly what I would have done.
I'm so proud of you.
It's so much better when we're on the same side against my real parents.
They are pretty lame.
To the car! What kind of a man comes to a place like this? I just want her to trust me, you know? Thank you for listening.
It's so refreshing to- Hey honey.
This young lady is studying to be a child psychologist too.
Oh, take a good long look.
This will be the last time you ever set eyes on this place again.
Have a nice night.
You know what? I meant what I said about your taxes.
I guess our baby's not getting into an elite preschool.
Those people are nuts.
- Didn't you go to a public school? - I had no choice.
Well if this baby turns out to be half as good a person as you are, we're golden.
Mish, look, our baby.
Aww, so sweet.
Does Mr.
Correcto look weird to you? What? Harry Oh God.
Look what Ana did to this place.
Yeah, I'm proud of her.
No! My beer pong trophy.
Dammit, I forgot to put that on my resume.
Does scotch go bad? The scotch crystals are starting to settle.
You're taking the couch, Janet? You're that mad at me? Look, I was only talking to that stripper to get some advice about you, ho- What the? This isn't what you're thinking.
Trust me?