Seed (2013) s02e12 Episode Script

Premature Driver's Education

Should you really be texting on the job like that? I can answer that: No.
I'm texting Laila.
What's the emoticon for taking off a bra one-handed? You're still seeing that doctor.
It hasn't been eight dates yet? Harry's got a maximum eight dates rule, so that women don't get too attached.
Whoa, you're making me sound bad.
Okay, it's all true.
But let me explain No need.
Everyone knows you can't do relationships.
I can so.
For eight dates.
But Laila and I have only had a first date, first sex date, second sex date, brunch, sex-in-public date, two nooners and this ironic bowling date, which leaves Oh my God I'm out of dates.
I have to dump Laila.
What's the emoticon for putting a bra back on? Eight dates or less? Really? I'm the express check-out of dating.
Ahhhh! There's a tin can in the regular garbage.
Geeze, I was expecting a human head.
It might as well be mother nature's head.
Billy! Down here.
Sorry, bud.
I completely forgot we were playing hide and seek.
Billy, cans go in the recycling bin.
No exceptions.
Yeah.
Wow.
Very disappointing.
It wasn't me.
It was mom! What did Zoey do now? Mom Michelle put the can in there.
Okay, recyclables go in the recycling bin.
Oh, how will we ever fix this? Like that.
Hey bud.
Little life tip? Nobody likes a snitch.
He's not a snitch, he's a whistleblower.
And whistleblowers are heroes.
You did the right thing, sweetheart.
Okay, you know what, I'm outranked here.
Listen to your mom.
This mom, not other mom.
Geez, even numbering you two would have helped.
Your driver's Ed teacher said you just need a little more practice A miracle.
He said I need a miracle if I'm going to get my license.
You have nothing to worry about.
Except for incompetent drivers, idiots on bikes, and entitled pedestrians You're making me more nervous.
Just start the car and back up.
Stop! Stop! What?! If you don't adjust your mirrors you might as well be driving blind.
Happy? Fantastic.
Let's begin.
No radio! No radio! Oh my God! Let's try it again Charlie, kick it, kick the ball.
Wee wee wee all the way to the goal.
Okay, I'm pulling the plug on this soccer practice.
He isn't even a year old.
He's already behind most Brazilian babies.
So how did Laila take the break-up? You know what, I'll tell you in two minutes.
You're dumping her with a phone call? No.
By text.
Okay, there are rules to breaking up.
No emails, texts or tweets.
And hashtag 'let's be friends' doesn't soften the blow.
I guess I can ask her to swing by the bar.
At least there'll be witnesses.
Great, and then I'll call with sad news about a dying relative.
In your grief you drop out of contact, days turn to weeks, and it gradually ends.
A break up with no bad guy.
You've done this before? No.
But it's been done to me.
It's very effective.
There you go.
Just a second, mom.
I would like to report a shoplifter.
She ate five chocolate almonds from the bulk food bins and didn't pay.
Mister Jamblowsky! They're stealing! I'm a whistleblower.
How did driving practice go? Oh really, really good.
I was worried you'd be screaming at each other before you left the parking garage.
Oh no.
It was such a joy.
I would have loved to be the one teaching her.
But you were adamant you should do it.
I was adamant wasn't I? You know, I feel awful that you are missing out on all of those magical father-daughter bonding opportunities.
It's too bad.
Speaking of fathers and our daughter, I think I might give Harry a call to see if he can take over the practices that I don't have time for.
You will do no such thing.
You're speaking very forcefully to me Jonathan.
I am a man of action, Janet.
And if you're not free to teach Anastasia how to drive, I am.
It's my fatherly duty Well, it will mean that I won't have much mother-daughter time with Ana, but clearly you are the man for the job.
I love how you smile when I get my way.
So what did you want to talk about? Oh right.
Um.
Actually.
What are these for? You never know when someone's about to burst into messy tears.
How 'bout another round? Get her a water so it won't stain your shirt when she throws it in your face after you dump her.
I'm not breaking up with her.
Rose?! Hey How unexpected to see you here, Rose.
Why drop in when you could just call? I thought it was more respectful to deliver bad news in person.
Doesn't have to be bad news.
Could be good instead.
Especially if someone didn't need to hear bad news anymore.
Is everything okay? It's your favourite aunt, Annie.
She's sick, Harry Worried sick.
About me, right? That's aunt Annie for you.
I'll call her after my date with Laila.
Oh, she's dying to talk to me.
As usual.
I'm her favourite.
Is your aunt worried, or sick? Cancer.
Yeah, she's a cancer.
And you know those cancers they worry themselves to death.
Worse than capricorns.
But I'm a pieces, so of course I'd say that.
Would you excuse us.
You're ruining my date.
Isn't that the point? I've changed my mind.
It's my eight dates rule if I want to make it nine or twelve that's up to me.
Why are you smiling.
I have really bad news for you, Harry.
You're in a relationship.
Let the father daughter time commence.
Uh, okay.
Buckle up for bonding.
Shoulder check for shared experiences.
Kick the tires Dad.
I need to concentrate.
I'm still a little nervous behind the wheel.
There's nothing to fear.
Daddy's here for you.
Safety first.
Now back up carefully There are very basic rules An Amber light does not mean speed up! It does not mean slam on the brakes! And it certainly does not mean park in the middle of the intersection and cry! It's not my fault! You kept freaking me out with your stupid safety obsessions! Safety first.
Safety always first! You know what's not safe? Crawling over the console and taking over the wheel on the highway.
At least we spent some time together.
Back already? How did the practice go? Truly magical.
Anastasia and I have never been closer.
So, relationship Harry.
Are you and Laila moving in together? Are your periods in sync yet? It's ten dates.
We're not in a relationship.
Hi, Harry.
I need you to take over Anastasia's driving lessons.
I'd do it myself, but unfortunately, I do not want to.
Sorry, I can't handle any more commitment.
But I feel bad that you'll be missing out on this magical father-daughter bonding opportunity.
Teaching Anastasia to drive is a sacred rite of passage.
You don't want me stealing that from you.
C'mon-we're buds.
Couple a' tight buds.
Sorry man, the answer is no.
How about now? What are you doing? Putting you in a headlock.
This isn't a headlock.
Yes it is.
It's more of a head hug.
I'm not letting go until you agree to take Ana for a few nice drives.
Well then I guess we're just going to be staying like this forever.
Fine! I'll teach Anastasia to drive.
Yes! Thank you.
Did I hurt you? Not even slightly.
Good.
Nice stop, Colborne.
Very smooth.
I like that in a chauffeur.
Driving's way easier when you don't have someone screaming to Jesus next to you.
Thanks for the ride to Charlie's day care.
And here's a tip for your test: Try thinking of speed bumps as slow bumps.
Thanks, I will.
Good luck Harry.
Harry? What? Aw, he's worrying over his big smoochy relationship.
It's not a relationship.
This is just date number ten.
Oh my God, I've never been on a tenth date.
What usually happens on a tenth date? That's when a girl falls in love with you forever.
Yep, she imprints herself on your heart, like in twilight.
Really? It's good to be a whistleblower, but don't be a tattletale.
But what's the difference? A tattletale points out when someone breaks the rules, but a whistleblower Blows a whistle when someone breaks the law.
Like when mommy Zoey stole from the bulk bin? No.
Not like that.
There's tattling, and there's being a witness, see? It's like this: A beaver slaps its tail on the water when it sees a fur trader, but not when it sees a gopher.
How is that helpful? It makes sense if you understand the pressures facing today's beavers.
I get it.
Don't snitch on family.
That'll work.
Close enough.
Madame.
Wow.
Your chariot awaits.
Harry, a driver? You're really pulling out all the stops.
Speaking of stops, what do I do at a flashing red? Is it like a stop sign, or can I just blast through it? This is her first time chauffeuring.
Oh.
Oh, oh oh! What would happen if you actually drove your truck off a cliff like that? Well, you would have major cranial trauma with You'd break your head.
Uh huh, makes so much more sense.
Okay, I know you have to work on your birthday, so I got you a card.
It's whatever the opposite of belated is.
You got me concert tickets? You said you like that band, so You got me thoughtful concert tickets? The chauffeur was already a little too much My sperm child doesn't count as a real chauffeur, and no pressure.
Those tickets aren't for six weeks.
Over a month from now? I had no idea you were thinking so long term.
Whoa whoa.
I'm not.
But with ten dates under our belts, what's another six weeks? You count our dates? Harry, I'm just, I'm just not looking for that kind of commitment.
Oh my God.
That sounds like something I would say.
Oh, sorry.
You're breaking up with me? By text? It's the only way I know how.
Thanks for the tickets! Are you sure you're okay? What? Yeah.
Great.
Fine.
Here, I know you love chicken fingers.
And soup can help mend a broken heart.
Chicken finger soup? I'm not the best cook.
Okay, look, I don't have a broken heart.
You do.
And it's a good thing.
You're capable of real relationships.
You're a real boy, Pinnochio! You sure you're okay to watch Charlie? I've had Billy all morning and it's been rad.
Right buddy? No comment.
I don't snitch on family.
He's been saying that a lot lately.
Okay.
I'm gonna be late.
Bye, munchkin.
Take care of your heartbroken daddy I'm not heartbroken.
Oh, ok.
Hey buddy, feel like pancakes? I'm going to see if the pancake house delivers.
Time for Charlie's soccer practice.
Oh, you know what, he's not into soccer, although last time he tried to eat the ball, so he knows it's important somehow.
Come on Charlie, kick the ball.
Kick the ball.
Ow! He did it.
He kicked.
Billy, bud.
Ah man, are you okay? Char-lie! That really hurt! Hey.
Hey what are you doing here? Driving practice.
We left the car here last night, remember? Right.
Right.
Sorry, I've been in a bit of a daze.
What's with Billy's eye? Oh, he's fine Alright, everybody in the car! I'll drive us to the hospital.
Keys.
But it's my lesson.
And you seem unstable I am not heartbroken! I'm taking Billy to the best doctor I know.
Ex doctor.
Ex-girlfriend.
Who dumped me.
I'm fine.
Hello? Hi.
Where are you? Just relaxing after a lovely driving lesson with my daughter.
Oh how we laughed.
So, are you out with her now? No, just at home with my feet up, enjoying the glow of teaching.
Deep down I'm a teacher, Janet.
So what happened to the car? Nothing.
It's parked downstairs.
Jonathan, I'm in the parking garage right now, and your car is not here.
The concierge says it hasn't been here all night.
I'm calling the police! Wait don't call Sorry officer, I realize now this is a one way street.
And I didn't signal.
And I may have rolled through that stop sign, but I stopped you because this vehicle was reported stolen.
It's not stolen.
It's my parents' car.
So, this isn't your father? Sort of.
So to be clear, you're driving recklessly in a stolen vehicle with three kids you don't have custody of? He was only speeding because I need a doctor.
How'd you get that black eye, kid? I don't snitch on family.
This one's complicated.
Who hurt you, Billy? I can't say.
Was it this man? For the last time, I'm not a "this man.
" I'm his sperm donor.
His sperm donor dad.
I'm sorry.
I'm the sperm donor for his mom, no, his two moms, and her one mom, who's got two moms worth of attitude.
See, the families didn't know me when they got pregnant, but they do now.
How much clearer can I be? Billy, are you okay? I'm one of his moms.
Do you know this man? Unfortunately.
What's going on? He won't say.
Billy, you need to tell this nice police officer what's happening.
We don't snitch on family.
Whose dumb rule is that anyway? Hey.
We're not here to point fingers.
Zoey's.
Snitch.
My God, she's writing something down.
That's never a good sign.
Hey, thanks for coming Laila.
No problem.
Let me take a look at Billy's eye.
And who are you? Ex-girlfriend.
I was going to take Billy to see her.
She's a doctor.
And don't worry, everyone.
Even though we just broke up, it's not awkward.
I just made it awkward, didn't I? A bit.
Oh yeah.
Sure did.
No comment.
We'll be right there Ana.
Yes, I'm with your mother now.
I'd say she's about a level nine.
Ehhh Nine and a half.
But driving calms her though.
Okay, we'll see you soon.
I cannot believe you lied and gave Harry the car.
Harry! Lied? You're the one that said that driving with Ana was magical.
It was terrifying.
So you dump her with that delinquent? I can't imagine how Harry's lessons have set her back.
Harry's the only one that can handle her.
Look, this was all of our faults.
But mostly Harry's Wait! You didn't check the mirrors! I'm here for Charlie They're not letting anyone go until they hear Billy's side of it.
But he's not talking.
He's gotten some mixed messages about tattling and whistleblowing.
What's the difference? It's hard to explain Yeah, I don't get it Well one sounds dirty That's it! You want me to talk, fine.
Charlie kicked me in the eye cause he thought we were playing soccer.
And mommy Michelle thinks recycling is a waste of time and mommy Zoey hates Christmas with mommy Michelle's family and Anastasia pays a friend to do her homework and Rose ate a raisin that she dropped on the ground and Harry has a rule that he can only go on eight dates so the ladies don't get too attached, and sometimes I pretend I'm God and I step on ants! Well, everything seems normal here.
Good-day everyone.
That's not the recycling we're all good here.
Can we talk? You hit Mr.
Nesbitt's car.
I think we need to invest in driving lessons.
For Anastasia.
Yes.
For Anastasia.
You have an eight dates rule? Sorry, I'm just going to take Charlie home.
Why does a guy with an eight dates rule try to get all relationshippy? I don't know.
I was ready to kill off my aunt to break up with you, but I couldn't do it.
Sorry.
So you think we should be together? No! Sorry, can't get the latch open.
Look, this is all new for me.
Normally I date around.
Like, a lot.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Seriously, a lot.
Access to penicillin has it's advantages.
Look, I have a ten day rule.
Any guy who plans more than ten days ahead, I pull the plug.
Oh my God, we're both commitment-phobes.
I guess it's nice to know I'm not alone in wanting to be alone.
How about, whatever we're feeling, we try feeling it together, but no more than twice a week.
God, you've got a way with words.
Forgot Charlie.
Okay.
Carry on.
I'm not even here.
Don't mind me.
Sorry I was late.
What did I miss? What did I miss? I saw a guy do this.
What does it mean? Where did you see that? Here.
I saw one guy tell another that's what they do to snitches.
It's sign language.
For neck hug.
One final practice before your test.
Okay, the first thing No, excuse me.
You tried to get Harry to teach her to drive.
We cannot trust your judgment.
But this is my car.
She does have a point, dad.
Let's just use your car, mom.
We can't.
I crashed it.
Right.
So what is this? Date twelve? Date thirteen? I don't know, I've stopped counting.
Thank you for all your help.
You're very welcome.