Sex and the City s05e05 Episode Script

There is one day even the most cynical New York woman dreams of all her life.
It'll be fabulous.
White flowers, tablecloths, food.
W-H-I-T-E.
She imagines what she'll wear, the photographers, the toasts.
Everybody's celebrating the fact that she found a publisher.
It's her book release party.
This is a sexy event.
Don't be afraid to use colour.
I'm not afraid of anything.
How about pink? Hot pink.
Pink! Isn't it perfect? - It's huge.
- Huge space, huge book.
- Who's coming? - Everyone.
- This is cuckoo.
- Guest list.
When your career is better than ever, it's hard not to get a big head.
Miranda was back at the office.
She was politically incorrectly happy to be there.
I have Walker Lewis calling.
I'll take that.
Miranda and Walker had shared one night of great sex BC - before child.
I'm glad I wasn't waiting for your call.
- I'm glad you remember me.
- Oh, I remember you.
I remember you too.
I remember you naked.
So, how you been? - What's new with you? - Nothing much.
How about you? I was hoping to take you on a belated second date.
How about Thursday? She invited him to be her plus one at the book party.
She knew she'd be minus one.
Magda had agreed to baby-sit.
Charlotte was working on her perfect plus one.
Justin Anderson lll.
Thanks for another lovely lunch and for walking me home.
My pleasure.
Justin was just in time.
Charlotte was finally ready for a new relationship.
- Good afternoon, Mrs Collier.
- Yes, it certainly was.
She's one of the friendly ones.
I'd better get back to work.
OK, bye.
I was in a new relationship too with my publisher.
OK.
Bye-bye.
I am so excited about this party.
Seriously, we are so golden.
People want to come to this book party.
All of Condé Nast, including "GQ", which has actual straight men.
Someone better kiss me at this thing.
It's not about selling books.
It's about finding you a boyfriend.
Hey, Courtney.
I didn't know you had somebody in here.
Sorry.
- Jack, what are you doing? - Using the Xerox machine.
- Finished your second book? - No, my suicide note.
- Would you like a "save the day" card? - Please.
- You know each other? - No.
Carrie Bradshaw.
Her book of essays comes out this week.
Very exciting.
Jack Berger.
We published his first book last year.
Your name is Berger? Never heard of me.
What did I say about your publicity department? - Not your primary market.
- Because she's not immediate family.
Jack wrote a comic novel that speaks to men the way your column speaks to women.
Men don't buy comic novels.
That's the flaw.
- What's your book? - Half off.
That's what it's called now.
Sometimes it's 75 cents on a card table on 6th Avenue.
- Next to the incense.
- Exactly.
You should talk.
He knows the whole deal.
The party, the signings, the tour.
Minutes later, Jack Berger and I slowed down for a little fast food.
I'm not so much feeding them as hitting them.
I see.
Did the man have repressed anger or dislike pigeons, the woman wondered.
The woman is tripping over the term "repressed".
I'm not bitter.
I'm trying it on for size.
- I think it fits.
- Yeah? A little tight in the crotch.
You're saying crotch to me? We just met.
Along the sleeve? - Not as funny.
- See, it had to be crotch.
- How's that strawberry shake? - Very tasty, thank you.
I can't believe you ordered strawberry.
Who orders strawberry after the age of 11? You have so much to learn about women.
That's what a few reviewers said.
What's next? How long do I have you for? What else is on your agenda? I've gotta pick up dry cleaning.
Would it be weird for you to come? It would be weird for you to send me.
Nice place, around the corner.
Family joint.
They have an abacus.
We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it's not an actual date.
Thank you.
What's that? It's stupid.
I collect playing cards.
They're all over the city.
- Really? I never noticed.
- You will now.
That's how it works.
I'm hoping to get a full deck.
Insert the obvious joke here.
I didn't have a two of hearts.
- It's a good day.
- Yes, it is.
Hey, Berger.
- We're on a last name basis now? - Yeah.
Berger.
Would you, by any chance, want to be my plus one on Thursday? It's my book party and I don't have a date.
You'll have the clean shirt and all I would love that but my girlfriend's parents are visiting and staying with us.
It was like a bomb that kept exploding.
I have a girlfriend.
We live together.
This whole flirtation's in your head.
- He should've mentioned her earlier.
- But not too early.
I hate that.
"I have a girlfriend.
" I just asked if that seat was taken.
- That guy's a jerk.
- I don't think he is.
I sparked with this person.
I never spark.
I wonder how happy they are.
This is not a good side of me.
What's the point if they're not available? It's the universe telling you they're out there.
It's telling you the good ones are taken.
All the good ones are coming to the party.
What did he look like? I can't remember.
That happens when I really like someone.
I just remember a feeling.
Or I was so hungry for a spark, I hallucinated a man.
Stop! You're the toast of the town.
Finish your salad and I'll treat you to a little Botox.
- You say that like everybody does it.
- They will.
- I'd rather crawl into bed.
- A little perspective.
You have a fun, exciting, intellectually stimulating career.
There's about to be a huge soiree in your honour.
- I'll be without a plus one.
- I'll be your plus one.
He should've said "we" something.
We go to this dry cleaners.
- We might be breaking up soon.
- I didn't tell Walker I had a baby.
- How could you not mention it? - It didn't come up.
If he'd asked, "Have you given birth recently?", I would have said, "Define recently.
" - You have to tell him.
- I will.
I don't want it to change everything.
If I didn't have a baby, we'd be dating.
If Carrie's guy didn't have a girlfriend, she'd be dating him.
- But he does.
- Thanks for bringing that up again.
In New York, you're always looking for a job, a boyfriend or an apartment.
Let's say you have two out of three and they're fabulous.
Why do we let the thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have? Why does one minus a plus one feel like it adds up to zero? Samantha didn't need a man to make her feel positive.
She did need a man to inject her forehead every so often.
We warn our patients that some people find it difficult to register emotion on their faces after the injections.
You might have to say, "I am so angry.
" Ms Jones is familiar with the procedure.
New ones? Samantha could handle the stress of her job, but not stress lines.
Before the Botox, have you thought about a freshening chemical peel? It takes 15 minutes and can make you look 10 to 20 years younger.
Samantha seemed to have it all peeled off.
There are times when a woman relishes being alone.
Oh, my God.
Usually when you run into someone you don't want to see.
In my case it was Enid, my editor at "Vogue", also alone.
- Carrie.
- Oh Enid, hi.
- How are you? - Good.
- Are you meeting someone? - I'm grabbing a bite.
- Would you like to? - No, not if you're working.
- I was just reading.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- "Hello" is what you're - Oh reading.
Yes.
- Do you really want company? Sure.
I just ordered.
This way I can expense it.
Right.
We ran out of "Vogue" stuff to talk about midway through our salads.
- Do you live in the neighbourhood? - No.
- But the man I'm seeing does.
- Oh, so there's a man.
- Yes, there is a man.
- That's great.
You have a successful career and a relationship.
I was worried women only get one or the other, but you have it all.
Give me something here.
I'm working my ass off.
To speak in magazine copy, I have it all.
On the East side.
He has someone else on the West side.
The park provides a buffer.
So you're OK with that? Yes.
I don't have time for a full-time man.
I have a full-time job.
That's the key.
Stop expecting it to look like what you thought.
That's true of the fall lines and true of relationships.
Her little tip earned Enid one invitation to my party.
That night, Charlotte let her perfect plus one have it all.
She even let him stay the night in her perfect pre-war apartment.
- I ordered breakfast.
- You're too good to be true.
Unfortunately, Charlotte was about to get much more than she ordered.
- Is anybody home? - Yes, I am.
- Hello, Charlotte.
- Bunny, what are you doing here? The question is, what are you doing? I'm hearing things from the board.
They're spying on me? Mrs Collier saw you kissing a male caller in the middle of the day.
I believe that kissing is allowed.
Mrs Pierce said a gentleman, we assume the same one but who knows, came home with you last night.
According to the doorman, he hasn't left yet.
What I do with my life in my apartment That's the thing.
It's not your apartment.
- Trey gave me this apartment.
- It's not his to give.
This apartment remains in the MacDougal name, whereas you, Charlotte York, do not.
It's a sticky subject, made stickier by the fact that you're still married.
- You're married? - I'm not married.
I'm separated.
Aren't you missing a pair of trousers? - You have to go.
- Don't you hustle me.
This is Chanel.
Charlotte discovered that a plus one plus one ex-mother-in-law equals disaster.
Meanwhile, I was manning party central.
- Hello.
- Anthony is going to be my date.
What happened to this perfect plus one? I don't want to talk about it.
That's my call waiting.
Can you hang on? I can't.
That's the locksmith.
Bunny's back.
Ooh.
Hello.
- I'm definitely on the list, correct? - Of course.
- Good.
I'm bringing my boyfriend.
- I've heard.
I don't want to be a nobody now that I have a somebody.
It's OK to be a nobody when you have nobody? You're nobody till somebody loves you.
I used to like that song.
It's the co-dependent national anthem.
Someone's a little jelly.
I miss you as my plus one.
The gay guy is the single gal's safety net.
Even Charlotte has a gay plus one.
This is my big night.
- Her boy bitch Anthony is coming? - Yes.
He styled the event.
I'm glad he'll be there.
He's bringing a woman and I have it all.
- I have a call.
See you tonight.
- Ciao.
- Hello.
- I've had a little something done.
It's not as bad as yesterday but I've looked better.
- I'm not sure I should go to the party.
- You have to.
You're my publicist.
Thanks to you, there's going to be - Well - I need you.
I can't talk to the press.
I can't keep everyone straight.
You said you would be my plus one.
Oh, all right.
Don't worry about a thing.
I'll be there.
OK.
Thank you.
The party was one of those amazing events that would end up on page six.
The fact it was my party was icing on the beautiful little cakes being passed around by beautiful waiters.
Carrie Bradshaw, right here! One more! That's great.
Right here.
Oh, my God, Carrie! One more.
- Can you believe this? - Is it a bad thing if the party is better than the book? I've been turning people away.
Not straight men.
Have you seen Samantha? "Vanity Fair" doesn't have a table.
Not your problem.
Enjoy.
Ooh, cute guy Hey.
Hello, Carrie.
I'm Harold Keenan of "The New Yorker".
I've been following your career.
Let me say congratulations.
Carrie! I'm here.
You look amazing.
Harold Keenan from "The New Yorker", this is Samantha Jones, beekeeper.
What are you doing? Talk to him.
Let him see your face.
There she was, my plus one minus one layer of skin.
Hi.
I've had a chemical peel.
I'm Carrie's publicist.
Could you separate the two: chemical peel, Carrie's publicist? - Why did you do this? - An impulse purchase.
Gum is an impulse purchase.
This is more than gum.
I wanted to be super fresh for the party.
You look like beef carpaccio.
Veil down.
If you knew how many dinner parties I've sat through - across from one of these.
- You were able to eat? - I'm entitled to a chemical peel.
- Wait.
The hat was good.
Women shouldn't have to hide because they've had cosmetic surgery which society demands.
Make that statement elsewhere.
This is my party.
You're scaring people.
- Carrie.
- Hi.
- I've had a chemical peel.
- She's not afraid to say it.
When I had my nose job, I stayed in for a month.
Excuse us.
We have to go find Charlotte and her tiny little friend.
We were getting to know each other.
I was going to tell him.
Wrap it up in a Tiffany bow all you like.
You wanted to get laid first.
- Charlotte, hello.
- Hi, Stanford.
You remember Anthony? Anthony oh, of course.
You tried to fix us up at the fashion show.
I didn't know you'd be here.
- This is Marcus, my boyfriend.
- How long you been going together? Four months.
- Four whole months.
Good luck to you.
- We don't need luck.
We're in love.
Shrimp! For some, having it all is not enough.
They need someone to be jealous.
We're getting a house in the Hamptons.
Friggin' shrimp.
What do you do with the tails? - Mr Shrimpy - He has a large penis.
Where in the Hamptons? From a pair of queens to a hand still not shown Maybe you and I should go somewhere less crowded, like Anywhere in Manhattan.
- Your apartment? - Yes But first I have to tell you something.
- There's someone else.
- Sort of.
I had a baby.
But I'm still allowed to have sex.
Is it mine? No, no.
The guy's a friend who I accidentally slept with.
- I'm not good with kids.
- Neither am I.
Months from now, if we're together, we'll figure this out.
For now, it's just us.
I'm still the same person, so let's go screw our brains out.
That feels amazing.
- You sure we won't wake him? - He's fine.
Forget about him.
Miranda was trying to prove she could still do it all.
Bring home the bacon, bring home the baby, and bring home an orgasm.
Don't stop.
Mommy's coming.
I don't think I can do this.
I told you.
I'm not a baby guy.
Couldn't I just please come first? Oh, so now you stop crying.
So here we are.
The night of my big party, Miranda finally gave in to her little party.
She wasn't the same person.
She was plus one.
A book? Does anybody read books any more? Books are coming back.
You can quote me on the side of a bus.
"Books are back.
" Isaac Mizrahi.
- I'll remember.
- Meet me.
- Perfect party.
Congratulations.
- Worth coming downtown? Was that an answer? Oh, last one.
Thank you.
As I looked around I thought, who needs a date? I can have my cake and eat it too.
Suddenly There he was, cuter than I remembered and minus one girlfriend.
Hey, lady of the hour.
- You're hard to get to.
- So is the dessert tray.
As a point of reference, my book party could fit in the coat check of yours.
You look great.
- I thought you couldn't make it.
- I had to say congratulations.
Well thanks for coming, Berger.
Yeah all right.
Good luck with the book and everything.
You too.
Hey.
Was that the spark guy? - Jack Berger.
All by his lonesome.
- Well, he is awfully cute.
Is he? I forgot again.
He's obviously here because he felt something.
Can you call me from a cab and tell me that? I love you, but your face The caterer shooed me away from the buffet.
Do you mind if I go home? I thought you'd never ask.
Thank you for being here.
I wouldn't have gone out in public like this for anyone but you.
I know.
And I have to live with that.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I might go too.
My plus one dumped me for a shrimp waiter.
I'd love to leave but I have to stay.
I'm like the ice sculpture the party's supposed to happen around.
I had to let him go, correct? I wish he'd told me right up front.
The thing is there are some things people don't admit because they don't like the way it sounds.
Like, "I'm getting divorced.
" I'm lonely.
I am.
The loneliness is palpable.
- You didn't tell me you invited Cliff.
- Cliff who? - Cliff Cliff.
My Cliff.
He's with her.
- That's him? - Cliff Bregan from Prime Time Sports? - Don't make a scene.
- Is this her side of town? - We're below Houston.
East side, West side.
Who knows down here? I am so angry.
Even the most together woman can't keep it together when it comes to love.
- Who was that? - My role model.
Just below the surface, we are all raw and exposed.
- OK.
- Bye.
So what was the party for? Me.
I have a book coming out.
- You wrote a book? - It's just a collection of my - Yes, I wrote a book.
- That's amazing.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
It was kind of amazing.
Why did I need a stranger to remind me? - Where can I take you? - Home, 73rd and No.
We have to celebrate this.
- I want to tell him.
- Oh no, I don't - She wrote a book.
- No kidding? Congratulations.
- Gonna be in bookstores? - Yeah.
If that's the case, the hot dogs are on me.
- No, you don't have to - I insist.
- Thanks.
- Have a nice weekend.
All I could think was, who needs a Berger when you can get a fabulous hot dog for 75 cents, or free? Then again, maybe there is something to knowing they're out there.