Sex and the City s05e08 Episode Script

In the expanding galaxy of New York, there are heavenly bodies one orbits around everyday.
And stars whose gravitational pull one drifts in and out of over the years.
Bobby Fine - satellite friend, piano bar legend.
I usually do this number at home In a pink kaftan and Peggy Lee wig You've never done the same after three daiquiris? I must take a break to say hello to a celebrity friend.
Is there any other kind? Little Miss Carrie Bradshaw.
She writes books.
Remember books? Primitive versions of the DVD.
Please stop.
OK, one more time, for the cheap seats in the back.
Is that all there is? Yes, that's all there is How long have you known each other? "Cats" was just kittens.
"Cats".
The musical? Hello? - I loved "Cats".
- Medic! It hasn't been that long.
When we met, you took aerobics and Stanford had hair.
- Bobby? - Bitsy.
I thought you had a dinner.
I do.
The driver is circling.
I had to say hello.
Bitsy Von Muffling.
Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and the one who liked "Cats".
Samantha Jones.
I did PR for your museum benefit.
Samantha, of course.
I loved you.
I was just so thrilled that someone liked "Cats".
- I didn't like it that much.
- Waiter, sense of humour, table five.
- Samantha, how are you? - Fabulous.
You? Delirious.
I'm madly in love and getting married.
- Big Hamptons wedding.
- Who's the lucky stud? Me.
- You're getting married? - Can you believe it? Bitsy and I are enfianced.
I finally found the right girl.
Mr Broadway has to tinkle before he can tinkle.
I have your address.
You must come.
Nice meeting you all.
I thought he was gay.
"Mr Broadway has to tinkle.
" That has to be the gayest sentence.
- It must be for the money.
- He doesn't need money.
He was an original investor in "A Chorus Line".
When you thought you'd never hear a phrase gayer than "Mr Broadway has to tinkle.
" Why is he getting married? In 1988, Bobby Fine announced he was selling his piano bar and going to volunteer with the Nicaraguan orphans.
The orphans are still waiting.
This wedding will never happen.
It's happening.
Everything's booked.
The big question is where will we stay? That's the big question? What about, why are these two getting married? - Is that all there is? - Bitsy said they were in love.
I find the love facade the most offensive part.
We're adults.
We can handle it.
Bitsy should say, "I'm getting older.
I want companionship.
" Bobby should say, "Hot men don't go for me any more.
" Don't print invitations and call it love, as if it transforms people.
That's bullshit.
- You don't want to be my date? - Not unless they have summer houses.
- We'll stay with Stanford and Marcus.
- I was a fool to break up with Richard before Labor Day.
He has a fabulous house.
I wouldn't go to this charade if you paid me.
Like there's a pink suede elephant in the room and no one can talk about it.
- Do you think they won't have sex? - All married couples stop having sex.
- You've had sex with married people.
- That's how I know.
OK, let's say it's companionship.
How do you sustain a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu? The what? The butterflies when you not only love the person but you've gotta have them.
Doesn't that get you through the years? Even if it fades, you have the memory of the zsa zsa zsu.
I'm fine with whatever people want to do.
Just be straight.
I think that's how Bitsy proposed to Bobby.
Right then, Charlotte decided to be straight with us.
I'm seeing someone sort of.
You're in a sort of relationship? It's ridiculous.
He's so not my type.
- Is he heterosexual? - Yes.
But he's bald and short.
He talks with his mouth full.
I don't want to be seen in public with him.
I hate his name - Harry.
He is, everywhere but his head.
Wow.
Is the sex bad too? It's the best sex of my life.
I think I might really like him.
You want to go to a wedding in the Hamptons? - Bitsy Von Muffling's.
- You're invited? - I handled her divorce.
- You aren't a Hamptons' type.
I am the Hamptons.
I own a house in Bridge.
I can't go.
I'm not ready for swimsuit season.
- You're a fucking knockout.
- It's your back.
- What's wrong with it? - It's very hairy.
You're not supposed to be able to grab someone's back.
What am I supposed to do about it? Get it waxed.
You come with me to the wedding and I will get my back waxed.
Fine.
- Come here, you.
- Your hands are all greasy.
That night, I thought about what it takes to make a relationship work till death do us part.
Most singles have long-term success with friends.
Maybe it is a better strategy to marry a friend.
However, in the absence of sex - whether that's the arrangement or what happens after a few years - what distinguishes this companion from your many others? When it comes to saying "I do", is a relationship a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu? Or in Samantha's case how much is a woman due for surviving the zsa zsa zsu? This is Richard.
Our pathetic relationship is as close to marriage as either of us hopes to get.
I feel I deserve a settlement.
Like a weekend at your house in the Hamptons.
You're not invited.
I'm having a party.
You're not invited to that, either.
It's Samantha.
Call me.
A couple of weeks later, another couple of exes were working out their summer share.
- Hi.
How you doing? - Hey.
Me and Brady were napping.
I miss napping.
They look down on napping at work.
It's so hot out.
I was gonna give him one more bottle before I left.
- I can do it.
- I know, but I like it.
It used to be breasts.
Now we've got a bottle thing.
- Did Magda bring those? - No, I did.
Nice garden in Queens.
Oh, lilacs.
Yeah.
Good flowers.
Miranda wasn't sure if it was the smell of the lilacs, the smell of the baby or the smell of Steve's skin.
But that afternoon, Steve went from ex to sex.
I slept with Steve.
Miranda admitted they were between friends and lovers between Manhattan and the Hamptons.
That's why you're participating in the charade.
You're fleeing.
I'm a fucking fugitive literally.
Was it the zsa zsa zsu? No, it was an itch we shouldn't have scratched.
Now we're into a grey area.
Not having sex was holding us together.
You're fleeing to the right wedding.
That's the theme.
You can't have a kid with someone and get along and have great sex without giving the wrong impression.
Being what, that you're happy? Absolutely! Bring them along.
I look forward to seeing you too.
This party is going to be amazing.
Strictly 'A' list.
Are we still invited? Yes, but shitty pants there is not.
I won't be able to find a sitter.
He's ruining my lunch, not my party.
No babies.
There's already a party pooper.
Ketchup.
Carrie? Yeah.
Hey, hi.
- Jack.
- Berger.
I know.
I remember.
You OK? Should I make a tourniquet out of a hot dog bun and a twig? - It's just - Ketchup.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I didn't figure you for a motorcycle guy.
I'm not.
I bought it as a reaction to my break-up.
Exactly what I wanted - a Berger with a side of single.
You look good on it.
No, I look good next to it.
On it I look like this I'm not really hungry.
I pulled over cos a bug hit my visor.
- My hands are still shaking.
- So, you're "Uneasy Rider".
If you make it to the Hamptons, my friend is having a party tomorrow at Richard Wright's house.
I heard about that.
Quite a place.
I pass it on the way to mine.
I'm gonna get a soda.
My throat's dry from screaming inside my helmet.
- It's nice to see you.
- You too, Berger.
- Maybe I'll see you tomorrow.
- If you don't, call highway patrol.
Definitely zsa zsa zsu.
The next morning, Samantha prepared her borrowed house for the big bash.
I want half the tables set up near the house and the others near the pool.
Ladies? - Cassandra, did you bring my tote? - Where are my Merits? Excuse me.
Hi.
The wait staff is to change in the guest cottage near the entrance.
Aren't you here to waitress? We go to restaurants.
We don't work in them.
- Where's Richard? - Richard isn't here.
I've got the house this weekend.
Excuse me! Where are you going? Richard said we could hang by the pool whenever.
You can't today.
I'm having a party at 3:00.
We'll be fried by then.
I have no cell reception at all.
Miranda brought the kid.
Don't say anything.
I know you didn't want babies.
He's wearing Ralph Lauren and I stuck a cork up his ass.
This is supposed to be an 'A' list party.
Who's the double'D' list by the pool? They won't leave.
They say Richard lets them hang out.
Freeloaders.
- People in glass houses - I am not freeloading.
I went through a lot.
People should be rewarded for not getting married.
I don't know why you broke up.
What's lying and cheating compared to a pool with a cabana? Did you say no babies or no boobies? Lady and Brady.
- That is so inappropriate.
- Greetings from Silicone Valley.
People can hear you.
Like everyone here can't see those tits are fake? Stop saying tits.
Why are you wearing that shirt? Tropical shirts are out.
This is not tropical.
It's Tiki.
- Please Tiki it off.
- I thought you would never ask.
Your back! You must have had a bad reaction to the waxing.
I thought it felt a little itchy.
Suddenly a little hair isn't so bad.
Carrie, woman to woman, the sex is amazing.
I've never had a man make me feel this way.
Hush, Ms Scarlet, how you do go Well, who ordered the Adonis? Bobby, Bitsy.
My boyfriend, Marcus.
For God's sake, get yourself to a gym.
Look at that body.
It's disgusting! Wow, I could grate cheese on your abs.
One large pizza, and hold the salami.
Please put a shirt on before I marry you.
I haven't touched a carbohydrate in three months.
- I have to fit into that dress.
- Eat something.
Look at her.
She's itsy Bitsy.
I see the Talcots.
We've gotta say hello.
See you all tomorrow.
I'm totally serious.
I almost fainted when he mimed grated cheese on Marcus.
It's so obvious that he wanted him.
Try to keep up.
Bobby is straight.
- What is she doing? - Maybe he just makes her laugh.
Can't you wait to sit down to eat? It's so crass.
Is there anything about me today that doesn't bug you? People are eating.
You should have your shirt on.
You have sauce on your face.
Now so do you.
Why did she need to tell me the sex was amazing? It is amazing.
She's amazed he can get hard without another penis.
Speaking of dicks, do you think Richard slept with any of those bitches? No, I'm sure they're just good friends.
Berger.
- How do I look? - Great.
- Where's a mirror? - Here.
Great.
All right.
Put it down.
Thanks for having a party.
- How long have you had a house? - Three years.
Moments later, among the butterflies, I felt butterflies.
There's a nice garden.
- You garden? - No, I have been known to hoe.
My ex planted the garden so we could enjoy fresh summer salads.
We didn't make it to summer.
It's more fresh pain than vegetables.
I can't go out there.
I know how you feel.
When I broke up with my ex, I couldn't go within six blocks of his furniture store.
- When did you break up? - Last year for the second time.
We broke up first the year before.
You broke up twice.
Way to go.
We hadn't sufficiently hurt each other enough the first time.
We definitely took care of business this time because he moved in.
We had the merging of things, the dividing of things.
The things left that you don't want to give back because that's mean.
You don't want to throw them away.
It's all you have left.
It's harder as we get older.
We're not dating wildly inappropriate people.
There's no, "Glad that's over.
" After every break-up, I tell myself I'm never doing this again.
It's too hard.
How many of these things can one survive? They should institute a helmet law for relationships.
- Right.
That's excellently put.
- Thank you.
I should get going.
It's gonna take me six hours to drive two miles home.
My jacket.
- I hope there aren't grass stains.
- It's old.
- OK, bye.
- Bye.
The man could not get away fast enough.
Apparently it's a short road from "commisery" to misery.
Are you OK? Perfect.
Everything's going out on time.
There's no Tab in here.
- What are you doing in my refrigerator? - It's Richard's.
I stocked it.
Did you see any rice krispie treats? Richard usually leaves those for us.
No, I didn't.
Those lemons are for the drinks, drinks I paid for.
- Whatever.
- I also paid for the food.
The only thing at this party you two actually paid for are your breasts.
Jealous? Oh, yes.
I'm jealous.
I'm just dying to look like this.
Maybe if you did, you'd be out here with Richard.
Snap! Evidently, people who borrow glass houses shouldn't throw cantaloupes.
The next morning, while Stanford and Marcus had Brady, Miranda and I had brunch.
- How about these muffins.
- These eggs.
- These napkins.
- These plates.
- How about we marry gay guys? - Now I have no choice.
- Was it really that bad? - One minute we were laughing.
The next he had to get away so fast, he left skid marks.
I can show you.
Jam, please.
I know what I did.
I revealed too much too soon.
I was emotionally slutty.
- That's not like you.
- The zsa zsa zsu makes me crazy.
Bitsy Von Muffling-Fine may have the right idea.
Stop looking for a great relationship and settle for a fine one.
I'd marry Steve if he were gay.
Everything would be so easy.
A gay area is better than a grey area? Oh, yeah.
More coffee.
Want some? - Great coffee.
- Tell me something I don't know.
- What? - You did it, Stanny.
Great man, great house great relationship.
We've all been looking and you found it.
Marcus and I haven't had sex since we bought the Cynthia Rowley china.
Thank God, I am so relieved.
Bitsy Von Muffling, the first time I saw you, I fell in love.
You walked in wearing that red vintage Dior.
Pink elephant in the room.
Do you mind? I'm listening to the bride and bride.
My dear Bobby Fine Something tells me Bitsy isn't doing Fine.
That's the little piece of information she's been Von Muffling.
You are there in the morning.
There for me at night.
There in the good.
There in the bad.
There in my thoughts.
There in my dreams.
But most of all, my darling, you are there in my heart forever.
Perhaps we were all much too cynical.
Perhaps despite the odds, Bobby and Bitsy had found something real.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
One more time for the cheap seats at the back.
Somebody over here is about to dance.
- I think you may have sold him short.
- Me too.
With a little time and the right astringent There's nothing on my face, in my teeth.
You'll hate my moves on the dance floor, but that is the risk every man must take.
What a beautiful night.
Too bad I blew my chance at a boyfriend this year.
You wanna hold my boyfriend? I think I'm gonna drown my sorrows in another piece of cake.
And if anybody asks, I had two, not three.
Do you smell that, Brady? That's lilac.
Should we call Daddy and tell him we miss him? It's Steve.
I'm not here.
Leave a message.
Do you believe this wedding? Funny where life has taken us.
I remember when we went to these for the free food.
I have rolls in my purse.
There's my song.
And there's my girl whom I love.
In case you had any money on it.
Not a penny.
Look out.
She's got a piece of fruit and she's not afraid to throw it.
- Can we not talk about that? - OK, but we'll be the only ones here.
I'm glad Brady wasn't the biggest baby at the party.
I went a little crazy being at Richard's house around his party crashing pussy posse.
What do you call zsa zsa zsu gone bad? Zsa zsa eugh! I fell in love with the most wonderful boy in the world.
- Bitsy, honey, everything was perfect.
- It was.
Except the dessert.
The top layer of the crème brûlée wasn't hard enough.
That's the problem with this wedding.
The crème brûlée isn't hard enough.
Then one day, he went away.
I thought I would die, but I didn't.
When I didn't, I said to myself, "Is that all there is to love?" I'm not technically crashing.
I was having lunch in town today and the groom invited me.
Shall we? - Harry? - You want me to wax my eyebrows? I think I may be falling in love with you.
I've been falling for you since we met.
- But I never thought - What? You could have any blue-blooded guy here.
I'm You're wonderful.
And Jewish.
- So? - So, where can this go? I don't know.
Let's find out.
I have to marry a Jew.
She can marry a gay guy, and you can't marry an Episcopalian? - What do we do now? - I don't know.
Dance.
Apparently, Charlotte had a zsa zsa Jew.
You're awful quiet.
- I intend to stay that way.
- No.
You were fine.
I just wasn't sure if I was up for all that again.
Then I thought Then you thought what? Maybe we should go out on a date before we break up.
When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses and shouldn't throw stones.
You can never really know.
Some people are settling down.
Some people are settling.
And some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.