Sex Education (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

Oh, my God, it's Ruby.
That girl's outfit.
Move your fake-ass bag.
What is Harriet Anders doing? I told her that Jordan secretly liked her and that she should ask him to the dance.
- Hoo.
- Poor thing.
Do you want to go to the ball with me? No.
Oh, my God.
It's like a car crash.
Oh, shit.
Oh Whoa.
That is one rank-looking vagina.
"Apologize for being a bitch in assembly tomorrow, or I reveal the photo with your face.
You know who you are.
" Bit harsh.
I love a scandal.
Whose is it? I don't know, but it looks like they've got Chewbacca vag.
Yeah, if my labia looked like that, I'd, uh, kill myself.
I feel sorry for whoever it is, you know.
You didn't look at it, did you? For, like, a second, yeah.
Didn't know what it was.
Heh.
It looked like a guinea pig with a bit of ham on it.
Just like a little Do you wanna meet my parents tonight? They've been asking about you, so I'm not the meet-the-parents type.
Cool.
We'll just have sex in the back of my car forever.
Heh.
Look, meet my parents.
Then it's over and done with.
No pressure, but Maybe.
Great.
I'll let them know.
Oi, I said maybe.
- Huh? I can't - Dickhead.
- I said dickhead.
- Heh heh heh.
It's been a month.
I thought they would've broken up by now.
Count yourself lucky she didn't bite your scrote.
Then you'd have a mangled scrote like Simon Furthassle's.
Can we stop talking about Maeve, please? Look, it was a weird blip.
- Yeah.
- I'm over it.
It's good that she's with Jackson.
We're not doing the clinic as much, so got plenty of time to get on with my normal life and do normal things.
Like feel sad and play Smash Bros? How about going to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch tonight? No! - Yeah! Ha ha.
- Aw.
Happy birthday.
- No.
I thought you forgot our tradition.
- How could I forget? - Mm.
- It's okay.
Don't get emotional.
Of course I'm gonna get emotional.
It's Hedwig, man.
- It starts at seven.
- Uh-huh.
- We're gonna get the early bus.
- Okay.
- You're slow in heels and on time's late.
- Excuse me.
I'm a bad girl in heels.
A bad girl.
Let it be known to the world.
I bet you it's Tia's.
No way.
She's fat.
This isn't a fat vagina.
- What about Cara? - No.
Those flaps are Caucasian, all right.
It's probably Maeve Wiley's.
Anyone notice whether it had teeth? What is that sticking-out bit? It looks like a micro-penis.
I've gotta go.
See you tonight at Aimee's.
- What's happenin' at mine tonight? - Study group, obviously.
Guys, my parents are still kind of angry about the party.
Guys? - It's my vagina.
- What? It's mine, okay? And I need your help.
You and that weird sex kid who looks like a Victorian ghost.
You told everyone it was my vagina.
You're a horrible person.
Why should I help you? W well, I I don't know who else to ask.
W w w I don't care.
Please.
Look, I only sent that photo to one guy.
I can't believe I was stupid enough to leave my face in it, but I was I'd just had my eyebrows done, and I was looking on fleek.
Okay, so what do you want us to do about it, then? I need you to find out who it was before assembly tomorrow.
If this picture gets released, it will be on the Internet for the rest of my life.
Uh-huh.
Who'd you send it to? Tom Baker.
Warhammer Tom? - Ah.
- Heh heh.
Oh, my God.
Well, we only dated for, like, one week.
And my nan had just died.
I I wasn't myself.
Look, I'll I'll pay.
Okay? Keep your money.
- Get lost before I change my mind.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Hey, muppet.
- Aah.
Hi, Maeve.
- Um, yeah.
Haven't seen you in a while.
- Mm-hmm.
- We've got clinic emergency.
- Clinic? Um I got to be somewhere.
I can't do after school.
The vagina photo's Ruby's.
She wants us to find out who sent it.
Tell her she should go to the police.
It's a criminal offense.
- What's this got to do with therapy? - It's a vagina.
Come on, it's not it won't take long.
I've gotta be somewhere, too.
- Why are you being weird? - Not.
I'm not being weird.
- Yes, you are.
- Well, why are you helping Ruby, anyway? It's money.
- Please? - Uh Okay.
Who did she send it to? Tom Baker.
What mortals dare enter our domain? Who doth interrupt our game of Runes of Dunbar? - We need to talk to you.
- Speak plainly, woman.
- Privately.
- We are a fellowship.
We hide nothing from one another.
Hmm.
- No! - What is wrong with you? Speak with us, or your precious fellowship will meet the same fate.
It's important, Tom.
Please.
Okay.
I didn't send that photo.
I would never do anything to hurt her.
- Prove it.
Give us your phone.
- Um - Go on.
- I don't have one.
Did you know that they emit radiation and that the radiation can cause a cancer of the balls? I don't want mutant sperm.
Check if you like.
If it wasn't you, who was it? Ruby and I dated for a week.
It was like a dream.
But then she dumped me for Glen Jacobs.
And then she dumped him because he wore the wrong socks to school.
What are you implying? Remember that topless photo of Tia Hobbs that went around? Yeah.
Well, Tia used to go out with Glen, and he called in sick today.
Coincidence? I think not.
Thanks, Tom.
You know Glen Jacobs, right? - Where does he live? - Uh, in his parents' garage.
There's loads of beanbags in it.
- Okay, where is it? - Oh, I don't know.
I just sort of arrive places.
What would you wear to meet your boyfriend's parents for the first time? Whatever you do, do not dress like you.
My brother brought a girl home once.
She wore a Nine Inch Nails T-shirt, and my mom thought she worshipped Satan.
She did a massive shit in the toilet.
My dad had to break it up with a stick.
So don't do that, either, 'cause first impressions count.
Good luck.
Eric, you can't go out dressed like this.
Go and change.
Dad, it's okay.
It's a costume.
Otis will be in costume, too.
We do it every year.
It's fine.
Put a coat on.
It's not safe.
Bye, Dad.
Ahem.
I'm off.
Oh You look fabulous.
Thanks.
Have fun.
You look different.
- I was making an effort.
- No, you look great.
- Tanya, it's fine.
- Guys.
Guys.
This is Maeve.
Oh.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Welcome.
We've made sushi.
And I've just realized it's got shellfish in.
- You're not allergic, are you? - Yeah, I'll die.
- Just kidding.
- Heh heh.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Ha ha.
That's funny.
Heh.
- We are so happy to meet you.
- Me too.
Yes.
I brought some wine.
- Jackson doesn't drink.
- Mom.
That's so thoughtful of you.
- We'll have some, won't we? - Yep.
Oi.
- Is it your birthday? - Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
It's my birthday, too.
You look brilliant.
Heh heh.
Thank you.
Happy birthday, mate.
Ah.
Ha ha ha ha.
He wouldn't go anywhere near the ocean without crying.
He was so afraid of water, he couldn't have a bath.
Mom, I was not afraid of a bath.
Ha ha.
Oh, you were afraid.
You wouldn't think it, though, would you? Can't keep him out of the water now.
- Mm.
- Okay, sorry.
Sorry.
We're babbling.
But it's just that well, we didn't think we could have a baby, so unfortunately for Jackson, he's he's our miracle.
- Mom - Oh.
Okay, okay.
Reining it in.
So what about your parents, Maeve? What do they do? Are they as embarrassing as us? No.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're, uh very normal.
Yeah.
So what do they do? Um they're accountants.
Great.
We were just saying we need new accountants.
Where are they based? They work from home, actually.
- Do they have a website? - Uh, no.
Uh, they like to work with, like, international clients.
You know, Japan and stuff.
- Ahem.
- Where's the toilet? - You can use the one in my room.
- Cool.
She's nice.
Yeah? Okay, cool.
You did tell her you don't drink, though, right? Mom.
- Just chill out.
- Come on.
Shit.
- What's up, dick stain? - Tom lied.
He has a phone.
Knew it.
Sneaky little bastard.
Wait.
Wait.
Ahh.
- What's happening? - He tossed it.
He's got rid of the evidence, the sneaky little man.
Go and confront him.
- I'm gonna miss my bus.
- You're right there.
- He's gonna get away with it.
- I can't.
I've gotta go.
- Where are you? - Clayhill Bridge.
That's near the bus stop.
Go and talk to him.
It'll be too late tomorrow, okay? Coming up on my right.
I was so close, but I just clipped it.
I think I pulled my shoulder, but it was worth it.
We're so proud of you.
Heh.
- I hope Maeve hasn't got lost.
- Oh, yeah.
I'll go check on her.
Maeve? Oi.
- No.
No.
- Stop! - Stay back! - Halt! Tom! - I'm scared.
I'm scared.
- It's me.
Otis.
Why are you wearing that? Hedwig.
I'm Hedwig.
- Well I don't know what that is.
- It's a cult movie.
Brilliant soundtrack.
Iconic amongst the LGBTQI community.
That's not the point.
Tom why did you throw your phone in the bush? You said you didn't have a phone.
Okay, I lied.
I knew it looked bad, so I made up the Glen Jacobs thing.
I didn't send that photo to everyone.
Honestly.
- It's not looking good, Tom.
- I didn't.
I just sent it to one other guy because he didn't believe I'd had sex with Ruby.
And And also, I was mad that she said I smelt like crisps.
That's not an excuse.
Who did you send it to? Kyle.
No one else.
- Hey, man.
Uh yeah.
- Dude, where are you? - The bus is in, like, a minute.
- Yeah.
No, no.
I'm gonna be there soon.
- Yeah, I'm almost there.
I promise.
- Aw.
You better alacazam yourself here now because the bus is here.
Get on.
We got to get on it.
Just hold the doors.
Uh, could you just wait one second? - My friend - That was one second.
No! No! I'll get the next one.
I'll meet you at the station.
I'm sorry, man.
Where's Tom? - Why do you look weird? - Why are you dressed like that? I'm supposed to be seeing Hedwig and the Angry Inch with Eric, but I missed my bus, so thanks for that.
- How is that my fault? - You made me chase Tom.
I didn't make you do anything.
Well, he sent the photo to Kyle.
- Kyle? Okay, we go talk to Kyle, then.
- No.
I have to meet Eric.
I'm waiting for the next bus.
- The next one isn't for an hour.
Come.
- I said no.
Fine.
Suit yourself.
- Where are we going now? - Aimee's study group.
Kyle, you're making me feel sick.
Yeah, Aimee.
He's really disgusting.
- See, told you I could do it.
- Nobody cares, Kyle.
Pizza.
Thank God for that.
Uh, who ordered pizza? - We did.
- Oh, we found your mom's credit card.
Mm-hmm.
What the actual fuck.
We need to talk to Kyle.
- What do you want him for? - None of your business.
What are you supposed to be? - I'm going to a fancy - Aimee, Cock Biter's here.
What do you want? I love your outfit.
- Thank you.
- How did it go with Jackson's parents? Not great.
I kind of fled.
- Where's Kyle? - Why? Is this a sex thing? Has he got worms or something? Has he given them to me? Am I riddled with worms now? No.
We need to talk to him.
Okay.
Ruby, where's Kyle? Probably having a whitey in the kitchen.
He's so disgusting, Aimee.
Honestly.
Kyle, we need to talk.
My skin feels like a carpet.
- Kyle, did you send out that photo? - Tread on me.
I don't wanna be a carpet.
We will fuck you up, do you hear me? You'll wish you were a fucking carpet.
- Did you send the picture? Yes or no? - Maeve.
He's out of it.
This is stupid.
She sent out the photo.
Why doesn't she go to the police? You really don't get it, do you? - You're such a man.
- Why are you so obsessed with this? Do you need money? I can lend you some.
Or is this just an excuse to run away from Jackson's thing? - What's that supposed to mean? - I find it funny that you only ever want me around when you need something.
That's not true.
- You're my friend.
- Am I? Because friends are supposed to listen to each other.
And I keep telling you I'm supposed to be with Eric right now, but for some reason, I'm here with you and the carpet.
Go, then.
Go on.
Okay, yeah.
I didn't take the money off Ruby.
You're right.
I was freaked out about Jackson's family dinner, but that's not why I'm here.
Do you know how long I've been called Cock Biter? Four years.
People I've never met call me Cock Biter to my face.
I bit Simon Furthassle's scrote.
I had sex with four guys at the same time.
I fucked my second cousin.
I'll give you a hand job for a fiver if you like.
Do you know how it started? Simon tried to kiss me at Claire Tyler's 14th birthday.
I said no.
He told everyone I'd given him a blow job and bitten his dick, and that was it.
This kind of thing sticks.
And it hurts, and no one deserves to be shamed, not even Ruby.
I didn't know that.
Whatever.
Please just help me fix this.
How do we get him to talk? Orange juice.
I need orange juice.
- Hey, man.
Um - Where are you? - Are you on a bus? - Um no.
Look, uh something's come up.
It's a bit of an emergency.
What happened? Are you all right? Yeah, no, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I have to do something.
I'm gonna jump on the next bus, and I'll meet you after the movie.
I I don't know, man.
Uh, I'm not feelin' it anymore.
I think I might just go home.
Okay, okay.
Well call me when you get back home and let's hang out.
It's your birthday.
We have to do something.
I'm sorry, and I'm gonna make it up to you, I promise.
Okay, I'll speak to you in a bit.
Okay, bye.
Thirteen hours until the big reveal.
Whoever came up with this is an evil genius.
Ha ha.
I am so impressed.
That better be pizza.
Hi.
I'm here for the study group.
Um, Ruby told me about it.
I'm I'm Steve.
I'm new at school.
This isn't actually a study group.
We smoke weed and bitch about people.
Ruby likes to invite guys she thinks are hot.
Oh.
Oh, I actually I kind of need to study.
I've got a ton of trigonometry homework.
Um Okay.
Uh, thanks, though.
Wait.
Wait.
I could help you study, if you like.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
- Is this the bus for Moordale? - No.
Sorry, excuse me.
Did you see anyone take my coat? It had my phone and my wallet in it.
Did you see anybody take my coat? It had my phone and wallet in it.
It was tiger print.
Sorry.
Did you see anybody take my coat? It had my phone and wallet in God.
Why do people send out naked pictures of themselves, anyway? It's a thrill thing.
You know, when you do something you're not supposed to, but somehow it makes it better.
Not that I've done it, obviously.
- Lone genitals aren't really my thing.
- Yeah? I'm just saying, I can see why people do it.
It's like not paying for a train ticket.
Or finding a lost wallet and keeping the money.
You know it's wrong, but it feels good.
I would never take money out of a lost wallet.
Have you ever done anything you're not supposed to, Otis? Yeah.
Like what? I don't I don't back up my hard drive sometimes, if I'm tired.
Wow.
Yep, it's that one.
Steal something.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
Why would I steal? - Yeah.
- Because I dare you.
- So? - I dare you to do it.
- Wh - I dare you.
Come on, it's easy.
- Don't.
I can't - Just live a little.
- I'm not Shh.
It's fine.
Whoo.
You were a man.
Now you're not.
Yeah, his shift is over.
- Hi - Hi.
Otis.
I'm supposed to be Hedwig.
Oh.
I love that film.
- You all right? - Hmm.
I'm all good.
I'm just casual.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
You just seem a bit nervous.
Hmm? Why why would I be nervous? I'm not Were you intending to pay for that? - Yeah.
- You weren't, were you? I don't know why I did that.
I I've never done anything like that before.
Yeah, I can tell.
You're an awful thief.
How much is it? Is it, like, 50p? I'm obligated to call the police.
- Don't.
Please.
- Yes, Otis.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I'm joking.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's on me.
Okay.
- Heh.
Thank you.
- It's okay.
- Heh heh.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
I got caught.
Of course you did.
I get sent images all the time.
You know, tits minges the occasional butthole.
Kyle, the vagina.
The one sent out this morning.
Did you send it? No.
I keep all the pictures for my own personal collection.
I'm more of a connoisseur of amateur erotica.
Kyle, that's disgusting.
Yeah, I know.
Okay.
Get lost now.
- Go on.
- Unh.
- Go on.
- Come on.
Well, was it him? I don't think so.
Well, we're running out of time.
You're really shit at helping.
- She's just doing you a favor.
- Ah.
What's going on? - My life is over.
- Why? Rubes, what's wrong? That minge everyone's been laughing at all day it's mine, and I'm fucked.
I'm totally fucked.
Go and sit.
Ruby, um Okay, look, worst-case scenario photo goes out, everyone in school knows it's you, and you could be humiliated.
- You're not making me feel better.
- But only if you let yourself be.
Everyone has bodies, right.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
I have a I have a funky-looking toe.
- Shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Otis, don't.
- And I - It looks like a thumb.
- Yuck.
Anyway, point is, whoever did this is intending to shame you, but it won't work if you don't let them.
If they want to shame me, why haven't they revealed who I am already? - This is torture.
- Oh, my God.
It's a girl.
We thought it was a boy.
It's a girl.
Emotional blackmail, demanding an apology.
This is some girl shit.
What girls hate you, Ruby? All of them.
I'm a bitch, Maeve.
I'm a bitch to everyone.
- Yeah.
- I need to go home now.
Olivia, can you call me a taxi? - Use my phone.
- Mm-hmm.
Who else knows your passcode, Ruby? No one.
Just Liv.
You? Are you a bodybuilder? Ahem.
Sorry, I get a bit lost in math sometimes.
Were you speaking? Are you some kind of bodybuilder? Your arms are, like, really big.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
I love working out.
I'd like to compete one day, but, um, I have underdeveloped calf muscles.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Nah, it's okay.
I also love maths.
So, I have options.
What about you? Uh I don't really know what I wanna do when I leave school.
- Mm.
- I always know when I have a spot coming.
So maybe I'll become a facialist.
- How's the trigonometry? - Yeah, it's super-hard.
But so is algebra.
I'll probably have to choose one or the other next year.
It's a really tough choice.
Have you ever tried a mind map? I love mind maps.
Here, I'll do it.
Where you goin'? Excuse me, miss.
- Want a lift? - Um, no, thank you.
Look at him.
Have you got a penis, Miss? Go on, show us your dick.
Just leave me alone, please.
You gay fuck.
Please, please.
This this isn't me.
It's it's a costume.
I was going to see a film with a friend.
I'm not a Yeah, fuck 'im.
I wasn't gonna send it to anyone.
- I just wanted her to know how it feels.
- What are you talking about? You say mean shit to me every day, Ruby.
"Your bag's fake.
Your mascara's clumpy.
You'll never have the right body type to get a proper thigh gap.
" You don't, Olivia.
It's a fact.
See? She's horrible.
I think what Olivia is saying is she feels overly criticized by you, which is still not an excuse to blackmail someone.
I only did it so she can feel what I feel just for one day.
I don't say what's wrong with you to make you feel bad.
I do it to be helpful.
Maybe Olivia wants a friend that supports her.
But we say nasty stuff about everyone.
Yes, but you have to accept the imperfect parts of people, too.
How do you guys trust each other, if not? I'm really sorry, Ruby.
I hate you.
I'm going home.
Fine.
She's such a bitch.
Hmm.
Heh.
How'd you know it was a girl? I read a lot of true crime.
- Are you all right, mate? You're bleeding.
- Yeah.
- Here, sit down.
- Yeah, I'm okay.
Um - I'm okay.
Heh heh.
I'm okay.
- Sit down.
- Anyone got a tissue? - Yeah.
- Yeah, no, I'm okay.
I'm okay.
- Here you go, babes.
You sure? Yeah.
Uh, I just I just need to use somebody's phone.
I've I've had all my stuff stolen, and I just need to go home.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- Oh.
Here you go, mate.
Thanks.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm good.
Hi.
Hi.
It's Eric.
Um something bad has happened.
Can you come and pick me up? What are you gonna tell Jackson? Diarrhea attack.
- God.
- Heh heh.
He's never gonna speak to me again, is he? Why didn't you say goodbye? I was letting him off the hook.
They're not gonna want their golden boy dating someone like me anyway, so why go through the fake stuff? Yeah, well ahem If you don't open yourself up, - you're never gonna find out.
- No.
- No therapy, remember.
- What? Oh.
Oh, sorry.
You all right? I've got a jumper.
- So chivalrous.
- Heh.
Well, actually, there's Nutella on it, so not exactly.
Great.
Why are your arms so freakishly long? They're not.
- Just roll up your sleeves, you fool.
- Heh.
This one.
I'm a virgin.
- What? - I I'm a virgin, and I I thought you should know that I am.
- Yeah, that's totally cool.
No judgment.
- Cool.
Glad I shared.
I'm gonna head off now.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- You okay getting home? - Yeah.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Mom.
Is everything all right? Eric.
I'll leave you boys to talk.
I'm sorry, dude.
This This thing came up with with Maeve and the clinic, and it was serious, but this crazy thing happened.
I think we had a moment.
It was full-on, and I I messed it up.
- What happened to your face? - You were with Maeve? Yeah.
Yeah, it was it was because of the photo that's going round.
You left me alone dressed like this because you wanted to hang out with Maeve? No, no, not on purpose.
But Oh, you are so self-centered.
You don't care about anyone but yourself.
What? That that's not fair.
Eric why are you so angry? Because we've been friends since we were nine years old, and you've abandoned me for someone that you've known for five seconds.
You've changed, man.
The old Otis would never do that.
- I didn't - No, but you did.
You seriously think that she likes you? You can't even touch yourself, man.
Wake up.
I'm self-obsessed? You can't stand it if you're not the center of attention all the time.
Well, at least I'm not delusional.
No, the truth is, Eric, you're only angry right now because I'm getting a life beyond our friendship, and you can't deal with it.
I rang your mom to pick me up because this is where I felt safe.
I think I made a mistake.
You all right, darling? Do you want to talk? What happened? - Nothing.
- Eric, talk to me.
Nothing happened, Dad.
I don't wanna talk about it.
If you're going to live like this you have to toughen up.
Did you come back for your shoes? Look, I'm sorry, okay? I don't want to have a girlfriend that I don't know anything about.
For Chrissake.
Let's just go see where I live, then.
It's nice.
Some of them, anyway.
Mom's got addiction issues, and my dad pissed off before I can remember.
So they weren't accountants, then? I'm not a shiny person, Jackson.
I've been on anti-anxiety medication since I was 11.
Sometimes I get panic attacks so bad, I think I might die.
I puke most mornings before assembly and after every race.
I don't sleep well because I can't stop my mind from whirling, and my moms might be getting a divorce.
They fight all the time.
And it's like I'm the glue that's holding them together.
It's a lot.
When I'm with you, I just It's the only time I don't feel my mind's going, like, a hundred miles an hour.
I thought your family was perfect.
Not so shiny, either, am I? So am I gonna get a house tour, then, or what? Heh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay, good.
Firstly, a very serious warning about pornographic images shared on mobile devices.
This kind of behavior is not only despicable but it has very serious consequences that may result in legal action.
Now, we do not know who sent the photograph in question.
However, we are continuing to look into it.
I heard it's Ruby's vagina.
- Thank you.
- Ruby's got big beef curtains.
Now It's my vagina.
- Sit down.
- No.
That is my vagina in the photo.
Sit down.
No, it's my vagina.
Now thank you, Maeve.
Settle down, please.
You're both wrong.
It's my vagina.
It mm It cannot be all your vaginas.
I also have a vagina.
Well, congratulations.
Please sit down.
- It's my vagina.
- It's my vagina.
- Enough.
- It's my vagina.
- It's my vagina.
- Thank you.
I understand - what you are trying to do.
- It is my vagina.
You don't have a vagina.
You do not have a vagina in the same way that I do not have a vagina.
- It's my vagina.
- Please, would you all just sit down? - It is required - It's my vagina.
- It's my vagina.
- Ah, just sit down.
- It's my vagina.
- Vaginas! Bloody vaginas! It's my vagina.