Sex Education (2019) s02e02 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 2

1 Ah, push it [COLIN CLEARS THROAT.]
Ah, push it [COLIN GROANS.]
Oh, yeah.
Talk to me.
Oooh, baby, baby Hello.
Baby, baby Oooh, baby, baby Tell me what you're doing to me.
Um, we're gonna We're having sex, we're having intercourse.
And, uh Have I been bad? I don't know, have you? Oh, for God's sake, Colin! Just call me a dirty bitch.
- I don't know if I want to.
Uh - Say it.
Uh - Say it! - Uh - Uh - Say it! Okay! Uh, you're you're you're a lovely little female dog.
You're lovely.
Ah, push it P-p-p-push it Push it [MORRIS.]
Parade, shun! Slope arms! General salute.
Present arms! Slope arms! Not my fault, sir.
The rifle's broken.
We don't deal with excuses in this establishment, Groff.
Keep practicing, and try asking some of your peers to help you.
I don't need help, sir.
We all need help sometimes, son.
Parade will turn to the left.
Left turn.
To your duties.
Fall out! [MORRIS.]
Everyone inside.
Get your breakfast.
- Come on, man, give it - What's wrong? This isn't funny, just give me back the hat.
- What's wrong with him? - [BOY.]
Hey! [LUKE.]
Give me the hat.
- Give me the hat.
- Don't be a pussy, Luke.
Oi, Groff! [BOYS JEERING.]
[BOY 2.]
Nice one, muppet! Sorry.
Bad luck, new kid.
- War.
- [LUKE.]
Yeah, all right.
Um, I'm late for school.
Yeah How long are you going to be? [SINGING CONTINUES.]
- [JEAN.]
- Has Jakob moved in? No.
Why? Bathroom is free.
Darling, I've been looking through your SRE textbook.
There is no mention of female pleasure at all.
I was thinking of talking about it today in assembly, what do you think? [SIGHS.]
I don't know.
I'd like your opinion, please.
- Why? - I've never worked with teenagers before, and you are a teenager.
Yep, I'm a teenager who doesn't want their mother talking about sex at his school.
There has been a sexual health crisis, and it's my duty to help.
You know, he is right.
It is a bit strange.
Mmm, I mean, my mum's a sexual health expert so it's not that strange, actually.
Which doesn't mean you should have said yes.
Would you prefer to call me Mum or Dr.
Milburn at school? Neither.
I'll be pretending you don't exist.
Try and be less intense.
It freaks people out.
And it's embarrassing.
I don't know, Mum, just be normal.
Try and be more relatable.
Whatever, just don't humiliate me.
Bye, darling.
I'll see you later.
- You want a smoothie? - [DOOR CLOSES.]
And I watch you with your purse From the adjacent coffee table At the Starbucks they built Inside my heart When your makeup starts to run You can see you're getting older You can see your life has been hard Your face is worn Like an old playing card The Queen of Hearts The Queen of Hearts [SIGHS.]
My mum is everywhere.
It's like it's her mission to ruin my life.
- Were you up all night wanking again? - No.
I've got a handle on that, actually.
I didn't sleep much because I've been doing research.
- Research? - Yeah.
So, Ola and I were kissing the other night and she kept guiding my hand down to her area.
- So I've been looking up - Fingering! Don't yell "fingering," please.
- But, yes, she's coming over later, and I think I'm fully prepared.
Well, Otis, it's a vagina.
It's not an exam.
Actually, it's very complicated.
- Okay.
- I've been learning about something - called the clock technique.
- Oh, my God.
Otis, I think you might be overthinking this.
She knows I'm a sex therapist now.
I need to get this right.
Why is Angel Man staring at me like he's plotting my death? I don't know.
French people are intense.
- Morning, dickhead.
- Oh, hey.
- I've got an 8:30 and an 8:45.
- Okay.
Why why do you look so clean? - What does that mean? - It's just an observation.
Your aptitude scheme, of course.
Very professional, Maeve.
Shut up.
Can you do a session after school today, by the way? Uh, I can't.
I'm going to the fair.
I thought you hated rides.
Yeah, but Ola loves them, so Are you going to be there? Funfairs are simply a distraction from the inevitability of death.
Oh, I guess they are.
- Hmm.
- Have fun with the smart kids.
You look great.
- Oh, hey! How you doing? - Hey.
I'm good.
This is nice.
Shall we, uh Oh, hi, Jackson.
Hey, I'm sorry about your hand.
At least you don't have to swim anymore.
What are you talking about? - You said you didn't want to swim.
- Listen, Maeve, you're not my girlfriend anymore, all right? So you don't need to pretend that you care.
Whatever it is you thought I said, you're wrong.
Don't worry.
You're gonna be fine.
- May I sit here? - Uh Yes.
Yeah, we'll find other seats.
No, no.
I mean next to you.
Okay, sure.
Rahim, you may sit with us.
These people are insignificant.
No, I'm fine here.
Thank you.
Good morning, Moordale.
Today we shall be hearing from a sexual health expert who is here to review the school's sex education curriculum.
Please give Ms.
Milburn a very warm welcome.
My name is Dr.
Milburn, and I'm here to start an open conversation about S-E-X.
Uh, sex.
We adults know that some of you are having sex because when we were your age, some of us were having sex.
- In fact, many of us still have sex.
I'm sure even Headmaster Groff sometimes has sex.
And so, I would like you to tell me what you would like on your sex education curriculum.
Take control.
Perhaps you'd like to know about the female orgasm - [LAUGHTER.]
- or mutual masturbation.
Or maybe you've always wondered, is my labia a normal length? [LAUGHING.]
What I'm saying is - Let's talk about sex, baby - [AUDIENCE GROANS.]
Let's talk about you and me Didn't you wank off a courgette? [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Courgette! Courgette! Courgette! Courgette! Courgette! Courgette! Courgette! Courgette! Courgette! Courgette! Anyway [LAUGHING.]
there will be an empty box at reception.
If you have any questions, it is anonymous, so put anything in there that you would like to see - in the curriculum.
- Courgette wanker! [AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
Thank you very much, Moordale.
I'm sure we would like to say thank you to Ms.
, uh Forgive me, Dr.
Milburn, for her I don't understand why everyone is laughing at this nice lady.
Uh, uh Because it's high school.
happening this evening, um, available at all prices.
- Please be careful - I'm Rahim.
nut allergies Uh, I'm Eric.
said issues Goodbye, Eric.
nice place to go.
I highly recommend you, uh, you sign up to that.
What was that? - Ah.
Emily, howdy.
- Good morning, Mr.
Now I see where you get your terrible sex therapy skills from.
Fancy putting in a question? [CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
I'm usually the person who answers the awkward questions.
- I'm Colin Hendricks.
- Oh - You're the SRE teacher.
- Yes.
Groff? I'd really like to observe one of Colin's SRE classes, please.
As I keep saying Ms.
Milburn, our curriculum is quite satisfactory.
Well, if it's as satisfactory as you keep saying, then you won't mind if I sit in on one of the classes.
Of course not.
But I'm sure that any questions that appear in this box will very easily be answered by Mr.
Hendricks, isn't that right, Colin? Uh Absolutely.
I am, um, I'm-I'm a master of sex.
Very good.
Good day.
The school is right behind you, Jackson.
We will do everything in our power to support your speedy recovery.
Thank you, sir.
However, your parents and I feel it would be in your best interest to be paired with an academic tutor for the rest of term.
- A peer.
- But my my grades are fine.
Well, you can get by on fine when you're a star in the pool, but when you're not you have to work as hard as everybody else.
Good morning, brains of the future.
I'm very happy to welcome Maeve Wiley to the program.
Make her feel at home, please.
All right.
Let's read out our ten-years'-time essays.
We have to read them out loud? [EMILY.]
Who wants to go first? I strive for excellence in everything I do.
The points I gain from my extracurricular activities will earn me a place in Oxbridge where I will Compete in the IFBB Bodybuilding Championships whilst Keeping me on track to become the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom by the age of 30, which will Land me an Erasmus scholarship to NYU Film and Television School and then I'll make investigative documentaries using my Purple penis hands.
The Chronicles of Glenoxi is an epic alien love comic book series that will be made into a global movie franchise and eventually be screened in space.
Right, last but not least.
Maeve, you're up.
I left my essay at home, Miss Sands.
Maeve, this class is for people who want to plan for their future and optimize their opportunities.
Organizational skills are key.
Don't let it happen again.
All right, uh, thanks to Maeve, you can all head off to lunch early.
Oh eh, um, uh On a side note, since Nigel moved back to Australia, the Moordale Quiz Heads are looking for a new member to join the team and compete at the National Student Quiz Championships this year.
So, who's interested in joining Viv, Dex and Steve in representing their school? Oh, right, all of you then? Okay, well, I'll make my decision by tomorrow.
Off you go.
Man, I just don't get why Maeve Wiley is in this class.
Are you Vivienne Odesanya? Yeah, that's me, why? - Jackson Marchetti.
- I know who you are.
So, Headmaster Groff said you'd tutor me this term? - [EXHALES.]
Did he now? - Apparently, you're the smartest kid in the school.
That's true, but I'm also busy.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Headmaster Groff said he'd give you extra credit if you'd help me out.
And we don't actually have to do any work.
I've just got to keep Groff happy until I'm back in the pool.
- Okay.
Your first session's tonight.
- Yeah? Yeah, but it's the fair tonight.
Listen, my schedule's organized for optimum time management.
Take it or leave it.
Picnic tables, six o'clock.
Bring your maths homework, and don't be late.
Should have seen this smug look Ola gave me earlier.
I don't like her.
Why? She seems nice.
She's still hung up on Otis.
It's got nothing to do with Otis.
I'm over him.
How you getting on with your form? [AIMEE.]
Everyone has a thing except me.
I'm hoping this form is gonna tell me what my thing is.
- Your thing? - Yes, my thing.
You have your feminine books.
- Feminist.
- Steve has his Quiz Brains thing.
Quiz Heads.
So great being part of the team.
What's so good about it? Well, facts are fun, and if we get through to the final, it's going to be a very big deal.
What's your form say? It says I should be a baker.
Aims, I think it might be banker.
Baker's not on there.
Banker? Hmm.
I think I'm going to stick with baker.
I do really like toast.
Maeve thinks she's so scary and revolutionary just because she used to have pink hair.
Is it because she hangs out with your boyfriend all the time? No.
She's just not my kind of person.
Why? Do you think it's weird that they run the sex clinic together? Yes.
- So, how's it going with Otis? - Good.
Yeah, well, kind of.
Yeah, we're taking things slow.
Which is fine.
I sometimes just wish we'd move along a bit, you know.
Not overthink so much.
Has he touched your vagina? Not yet.
He sort of hovers and then loses his nerve.
It's really frustrating.
- Just tell him what you want.
- I think it'll freak him out.
Human boys are so fragile.
Such an idiot.
- What are you laughing at? Nothing.
Then what's so funny? Luke spilled some water and it looks like he's pissed himself.
You need to chill out, man.
Look grab it with your right and let your left slap it.
Took me ages to get it as well.
Is this okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh! Oh.
Twelve o'clock, three o'clock, six o'clock, nine o'clock.
Did you say something? No, sorry.
Are you enjoying it? [OLA GASPS.]
- Then spread it.
Back to 12 o'clock - [MOANS, CHUCKLES.]
three o'clock, nine o'clock.
- Ooh.
- Ooh? - Yeah? - Yeah.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
It was good? It was so nice.
It was really, really bad.
He was moving his fingers like he was dialing a 1920s telephone, but really fast, with no rhythm.
And then he was kind of, like, jabbing at the same time.
And then he kept looking at the clock on his wall like he was timing himself or something.
You need to tell him it was bad.
It'll hurt his feelings.
Maybe it will be better next time? I-I definitely have to tell him.
- [ERIC.]
Did you do it? - Uh-huh.
- I know! I knew you had a freshly-fingered glow about you! - Tell me everything.
- So I think I might have facilitated a crescendo.
- The big O? - Yeah.
- First time round? - Yeah.
I stuck to my clock technique, and I don't know, bingo.
- My God.
- Orgasm town.
I feel like maybe fingering is my sexual superpower or something.
Oh, dude, I'm so proud of you.
- Thanks, man.
- Let's go celebrate.
What shall we do first? You don't think it was beginner's luck, - do you? - No.
No, no, no, no, no, you're definitely Fingertron.
Oh, my God! They have Crazy Jungle, come on.
Why am I here? I hate fairs.
You're here because Steve is doing extra study for your stupid altitude scheme.
You're my date.
- Aptitude scheme, Aimee.
- Yeah, that's what I said.
- Yeah.
- Can you win me a giant pig? Hi.
And we have a winner.
I need to go find Otis.
That's the kind of competitive spirit you should be bringing to aptitude scheme, Maeve.
See you tomorrow in class.
I'll be right back.
Um I did write the the ten-years'-time essay.
I didn't realize we had to read it out, so I got embarrassed.
"In ten years' time, I want to live in a house with big windows, I want the house to be large enough to have a kitchen table with four chairs but not too roomy to ever feel the depth of my aloneness.
Because I'll probably be alone.
But I think aloneness won't feel so all-consuming with windows that protect me from the world but still let me watch it.
" I'm sorry.
I don't think I belong in the class.
You're a beautiful writer, Maeve.
You can have more expansive dreams than four chairs and some windows.
Think about it.
- What? What? - You're really not good at this.
Have you got a problem with me or something? Look, uh, it's simple.
So this is hidden quadratics.
You need to substitute the Y - Mm-hmm.
- and then back substitute the X.
See, no one's ever explained it to me like this before.
You dating Pythagoras, Jackson? Nah, mate, we're just studying.
They were just being idiots.
It's fine.
Men who engage in sporting activities at school are statistically more likely to work in menial jobs as adults.
Well, that's a bit harsh.
No, it's realistic.
Look, if your hand doesn't heal, what is your backup plan? And even if it does heal, professional athletes statistically peak at 21.
So it might be worth acquiring some other skills.
Statistics are a real buzzkill, you know that? [MORRIS.]
Parade, shun! Slope arms! General salute! Present arms! Slope arms! That is a real improvement, Groff.
To your duties.
Fall out! - Well done, mate.
- [LUKE.]
Good job, man.
- We're going on the Ferris wheel.
- Wind isn't good for my hair.
I don't think I was clear.
Rahim's going on the Ferris wheel, so we're going on the Ferris wheel.
You can squeeze in with me and Anwar for the next ride, Rahim.
No, thank you.
What do you mean why are we going on it? It's fun.
It's the least safe of any of the rides here.
- It's fun.
- How do you know it's fun? Because I'm telling you that it's fun, that's how I know.
Oh, I am going to die.
- [ERIC.]
Come on then.
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
- [OTIS.]
Ooh! - What was that? That was really unsafe.
- Calm down.
Ahh, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
I feel vulnerable.
- Excuse me, Oatcake! Get back here! [OTIS.]
It'll be fine, you're fine.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Why won't he notice me? - Do you think they do vegan hotdogs? [RUBY EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Milburn, can I have a word, please? Um It's about your biology test.
What What biology test, sir? It's not really about a test.
There is no test.
Listen I heard on the grapevine that you deal with matters of the heart.
And I'm desperate for some advice.
Thing is, I have a friend who speaks Spanish and I can't understand her at all.
She says things like, "Hola [SPEAKING BROKEN SPANISH.]
and all I can hear is Shakira, Shakira.
I don't speak Spanish, sir.
I can't do dirty talk.
I find it mortifying.
Oh Well, uh sometimes when we learn new skills, we can feel exposed.
Right? And you wouldn't go to a foreign country without some basic understanding of the language.
So why don't you write a script for yourself and practice speaking the words until they feel more comfortable? It's about making an effort to take little steps to meet her halfway.
Does that makes sense? Yes.
Muchas gracias, maestro.
- What shall we say, a pony? - Ah Uh - Or a monkey? - Please don't pay me.
Let's not speak of this again.
You bet.
- So, what are the interesting landmarks - Um around here? There's nothing interesting to see round here.
Very boring.
Only boring people get bored.
"As if you were on fire from within.
The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
" Uh, pardon? It's about finding beauty in the world.
- Oh.
- It's a poem by Pablo Neruda.
I don't know her.
- Goodbye.
- Uh, bye.
I think you're jabbing the duck too hard, Otis.
Maybe you should just try it a bit softer a bit slower maybe.
Yes! See, I got See.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Ta-da! For you.
- There you go.
Tell him.
Um, thank you.
I need to tell you something.
- Um - Sure.
Uh, I Uh, I really, really don't like goldfish.
Here you go.
- Yeah.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, do you wanna hang at mine? - We could, you know - No.
I've got loads of homework that I need to do.
- In fact, I need to go now.
- Okay.
But thank you so much for the bear.
- Dog.
- Thank you for the fish.
Okay, I'll see you.
My friend's boyfriend doesn't know how to finger her properly.
I'm off duty, sorry.
He's really bad at it.
Tell your friend's boyfriend to look up something called the clock technique.
It looks a bit complicated at first, granted, but once you get it right, the results are astounding.
It's you.
You're my friend's boyfriend.
You're bad at fingering.
Please don't tell Ola I said anything, but sort it out? [DOORBELL BUZZING.]
I'm ready to talk dirty.
I'm gonna do nasty things to you.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna get you so wet.
You're going to feel like your water just broke.
- What? - I'm gonna treat you so badly, you'll be late for work tomorrow and I'm gonna get you fired, completely ruin your life.
Wait that's not Is that right? Um [GASPS.]
Uh this isn't working.
Isn't it? [SIGHS.]
Grab your stuff.
Come with us.
Here you go.
That'll keep you warm.
Are you homesick yet? I was proper homesick when I first got here.
He used to cry every night for his mummy.
- Did not.
I miss my mum a bit, but not my dad though.
He's An arsehole? Yep, my dad's a dick too.
My dad's a pussy.
A mean one.
Fuck all the mean dads.
Fuck 'em! [LAUGHS.]
Fuck all the dads.
- You got a girlfriend? - Yep.
Her name's Aimee.
Big tits.
You a boob or an arse man? I like elbows.
- I love you.
- [SOFIA.]
Oh, hold on, darling.
I'm not training, Mum.
Got to keep on track.
You'll be swimming again before you know it.
Well, what if I'm not? You know, maybe I should get, like, a new hobby or something.
But your hand is going to heal.
- Yeah.
- Yes? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Go on.
- Have a good day.
- Yeah, you too.
- Well, what do I do? - [STAMMERS.]
You're kind of asking the wrong guy about fingering, dude.
I don't know.
For you to read.
Thank you.
First, he looks at me like he wants to kill me, then he calls me boring, and now he's giving me books.
Maybe he wants to be your friend.
Or maybe he's a teenage Ted Bundy.
This is serious, okay? I need to find someone who understands vaginas.
Your mum.
- I'm being serious.
- No, Otis, your mum is here.
All right.
Good luck, Fingertron.
I'm branching out.
You should audition.
That's not really my thing.
Thanks, though.
But you're acting all the time.
And you'll probably get a sword.
No hats.
Take it to your dorm.
Come on.
I've still got your, uh, hat.
We're not poofs or anything.
Yeah, I was thinking about my girlfriend.
And I was thinking of your girlfriend, you know with the big tits.
I won't tell anyone.
I need your advice.
I'm pretty I'm bad at fingering.
Really bad.
And my girlfriend is actively avoiding me.
Please help.
But only because I pity you.
- Show me what you did then.
- I was about to eat that.
- You want me to - Mm-hmm.
Um Sorry.
Well, I I started at I started at 12 o'clock and went to three o'clock, and then back down to six.
Oh, it's juicy.
And then there was nine.
Congratulations, you can tell the time.
Then I carried on, clockwise, then I flipped it anti-clockwise.
So you DJ-ed on her vag.
What's with the clock thing? - It's a technique.
- It's weird.
Well, I sort of continued that motion Oh, then I had a spread, which was kind of like that.
That's - And continued to apply pressure, and - Stop jabbing.
It's not, I'm not really jabbing.
I think I'd know, it's my orange.
- Actually, it's my orange.
- Shh.
Okay, um - This is ridiculous.
I'm sorry.
- Look there's no magic technique that works with all women.
Every orange is different, but you shouldn't be asking me, you should be asking your girlfriend.
Tune into her orange.
Okay, we're done now.
Thank you.
Okay, everyone.
It's SRE question time.
Okay? In the old box, and Ah! [LAUGHS.]
It doesn't matter.
"Can I get pregnant from only giving hand jobs?" [CLASS LAUGHING.]
Okay, um Well, fertilization only occurs when Mr.
Sperm enters Mrs.
So, no is the answer.
Okay Good.
Um "My boyfriend doesn't want to wear a condom.
What should I do?" Uh Hell.
Condoms protect the egg from fertilization.
- Okay.
- Monsieur, what about gay sex? Well, you can't get pregnant from, um, homosexual activity.
But what about pleasure? People don't always have sex to make a baby.
Um Where was I? The, uh The egg What type of lubricant would you recommend for doing anal sex? [JEAN.]
Well, you should always use a water-based lubricant.
Oil-based products will decompose the latex in the condom.
And, sorry, just to answer the previous question, no matter how persistent a sexual partner is about not using contraception, remember it is always your right to say no.
Uh, Ms.
Milburn? Has that given you enough information for your report then? Well, quite frankly, Mr.
Groff, I'm shocked by the ineptitude.
I'll be spending the next few weeks getting to know the students and their needs a bit better.
I'm not sure the board will agree to anything that drastic.
I've already spoken to Maxine Tarrington, and she approves.
I'm looking forward to working with you, Mr.
Oh, for God's sake! Did you know you need, like, sugar and flour and an oven to bake? And you don't just shove it all in, you have to follow all these rules.
Yeah, it's called a recipe.
Hey, Maeve, you're our new Quiz Head.
High five.
Don't let me down.
Hey, have you guys Have you seen Ola anywhere? - Maeve got on the quiz team.
- Oh, good job.
If you see Ola, I'm looking for her.
Are you happy, babes? I don't think I'm over Otis.
That is what I keep saying.
Oh, my God! Your mum is everyting.
She talked about anal sex in front of Mr.
- Jean actually gives me life.
- That's not good news, Eric.
Oh, and I think Rahim is gay.
- That actually makes a ton of sense.
- Mm-hmm.
Staring at you, wanting to sit next to you all the time, giving you books.
He probably likes you.
Otis, I don't think so.
Read the signs, Eric.
I have to go.
Sir! I was wrong.
I was wrong.
You have to tune into her orange.
Just listen to what she's actually saying.
That's how you learn Spanish, huh? Good luck! It's an apple.
I know I'm bad at fingering.
I was really busy trying to get it right, and I wasn't listening to you.
We don't ever have to do it again.
Or I could show you what I like? [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Could you explain why you enjoy dirty talk so that I can understand? If not, I bought dips.
Loads of them.
I feel like a dowdy teacher all day, so when I'm at home, I want to escape and to feel Like a female dog? No.
Colin, I don't care what you say.
I just want to feel sexy.
So it's not about the words.
Pepper grinder.
Milk frother.
Sexy boy Ice cream scoop.
Baba ghanoush! Oh! Baba ghanoush! Say it again! Baba [MOANING.]
Ghanoush! [BOTH MOANING.]
Sexy boy That's not mine.
They planted it.
And why would they do that? Does this belong to you? [SERGEANT.]
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left! I lied.
I lied.
It's not my weed.
They wanted to get me expelled because they're poofs.
Quite a lot of us are poofs in this institution.
But some things are better left unacknowledged.
So I don't have to go home? You were found with drugs in your possession, Adam.
I'm sorry.
And so the outside, it bashes us in Bashes us about a bit Feel it tugging you Ploughing you flat Then feel it filling your sails And warm on your back Ooh [MR.
That was your last chance at a formal education.
If you put one foot out of line, you won't have a roof over your head.
Understood? And blessed are those Who see and are silent Blessed are those Who see and are silent Blessed are those who see So won't you hoist up The bucket now, Charlie? Hoosh it all over the deck 'Cause we've been getting most Mightily filthy Mud marks up to our necks Ooh, ooh, ooh, oooh Ooh, ooh, oooh And they did unfold And the wind, it did feel them And they did unfold and the wind
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