Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators (2018) s01e02 Episode Script
The Chimes at Midnight
1 - Emergency! She's dying! Emergency! - ALARM RINGS.
Rapid heartbeat.
We need to defibrillate.
Who is? What are you talking about? Her.
The other woman.
There is no other woman.
You've got this place all to yourself.
You were having a bad dream.
But it it was so real.
I had a bad dream once.
I dreamt I was drowning in a sea of yogurt, and I'm actually lactose intolerant.
Look.
I know we've had a tough time recently, with all the calamities.
But, er, we can get through it.
There's no need to panic.
Oh, my God, it's a cockroach! THEY GROAN Hopefully that's the last one.
- There was there was something else.
- Oh, yes? There was a man, climbing up the wall, and then I heard him, stomp, stomp, stomping on the roof.
Well, if he comes back, tell him to pop in.
It gets ever so lonely on night shifts! Soozie, why don't you go and clean the sluice room? Yes, Mrs Pincott.
- Goodnight, Mrs Bentley.
- Goodnight, dear.
So, no more nonsense.
There are no strange men.
You are perfectly safe here.
Night-night.
CREAKING, WINDCHIMES JANGLE CLUNKING THUNDER RUMBLES SHE WHIMPERS All right, take it easy, cos this is a very old gate.
- What, this one? - Yes.
Oh! - Well, yes, we're fine.
Right, stop here.
Stop here.
Stop here.
Stop here! - So Mr and Mrs - Pincott.
Owain and Penelope.
How can we help you? Have you ever heard of Shady Nook? - Yes, - I - have.
That's, er, an old folks' home, isn't it? - Just down the road, by the butterfly farm.
- Mm.
It's our old folks' home.
- But I really don't know for how much longer.
Read the list, Owain.
- Oh Er Er, three months ago, we had our first electrical failure.
Lights flickering, but our electrician couldn't seem to fix it.
Er, the following week, the fire alarm went off in the middle of the, erm Any chance you could sum it up in a sentence? Look, basically, we've had floods and fire alarms, we've had anonymous complaints to social services, cockroaches in the kitchen, we've had thefts from the bedroom.
And then, last week, it got REALLY nasty.
Yep, it was our anniversary.
25 years, we've been together.
- Congratulations! - Mm.
Only, somebody sent me this.
A sympathy card.
I-I don't know who it was, but, as you can imagine, - it put quite a dampener on the day.
- Can I have that? - Yeah.
You're welcome to it.
So, what do you think it is - some kind of industrial sabotage? Or a practical joke? If it's a joke, it's costing us thousands, as several residents - have chosen to leave.
- Well - If it's a joke, it's keeping me awake all night, as I wonder what they're plotting next.
If it's a joke, well, then I'm screaming with laughter! I think we can really help you with this, can't we? We could, we could do some - Um, we could do - .
.
undercover - BOTH: .
.
surveillance.
- Oh, you've got to be careful.
I mean, it is a home, and some of our residents have a nervous disposition.
It would need to be someone quite delicate.
Would anyone care for some liquid refreshment? Earl Grey? Cafe au lait? Horlicks malted milk? Does anyone have the remote control, or shall we just sit here and die of boredom? Er, right, everyone! I've got someone I'd like you to meet.
Is it Kim Kardashian? No, Mr Falstaff, it is not.
- Ah, well, I'm not interested.
- This is, er, Ronan.
He's a trainee care assistant, and I know you're going to make him very welcome.
Welcome to God's waiting room.
Hello! Hello! - Hello! - Hello! - Hello! He's nice.
Is there something wrong with your glasses, son? Och, no.
Just a bit new.
Still having to wear them in.
- Sorry I'm late, everyone.
- You are.
And I'll deduct it from your wages.
Er, this is Ronan.
Er, he'll be working alongside you.
Oh.
Hello.
I've got cakes, everybody.
Would you like one, Mr Woodham? Oh, not that one! That's for Mrs Pincott.
It's got arsenic in it.
So, may I tempt you to some passion fruit drizzle cake? Soozie, I do need to think about my girth.
There's nothing wrong with having something to hold on to! THEY CHUCKLE Hello, son! Oh, you do need to do something about those glasses.
Mr Pincott, why don't you lend him some of your toupee tape? Oh, very amusing, Mr Falstaff.
- What are you doing here? - I was just leaving.
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS Hello! I'm Ronan.
- I'm a care assistant.
- So? I was just wondering if I could put my prawn vol-au-vents in your fridge? I will not allow YOUR lunchbox in my sterile area.
Fair enough.
I suppose you're quite meticulous about food hygiene.
I'm incredibly busy.
I've got 32 portions of soup to prepare, and Who let that furry freak in here?! - Ronan! - Furry little stink-bag! - Mr Bull's made a mess of his colostomy bag.
Will you help me sort it? KNIFE CLATTERS They make me do things that I am really not designed to do.
So, what have you found out? This is the chef.
Ian McClurgy.
Makes Gordon Ramsay look quite cuddly.
I've not got any actual dirt on him, but he is behind on his food hygiene.
Look.
Only goes up to 2015.
Ah.
I've got a friend in Environmental Health - could look into that for us.
- Now, get ready to scream.
- Aw! - Really? Well, it's hardly a street rat from the sewers, is it, eh? Huh? More like a fluffy rodent from a pet shop.
Which means somebody probably planted it there.
Maybe the same someone who's been messing with the electrics.
Speaking of electricity Soozie Honeywell, care assistant.
She's worked there six years.
This morning, she popped into Mr Pincott's office, and THIS happened Dun, dun, durrr! What is it? A torrid affair or some kind of complicated - medical procedure? - Well, it was hard to tell.
We were interrupted by another resident.
So, all these things that are going wrong Is someone trying to get at Shady Nook, or have they got it in for Mrs Pincott - possibly because they want her husband? - Right, everyone.
- SHE CLAPS HER HANDS.
Can I have your attention, please? I've a very unpleasant announcement to make.
In the small hours of this morning, someone - and you know who you are - did something truly unspeakable on the stairlift.
It was not an accident.
The individual pieces had been arranged to make a smiley face.
But I am not smiling.
So who did it? Which of you is responsible for giving me six months of sleepless nights, and turning my fingernails into bloody stumps? Was it the cat? Very funny, Mr Falstaff.
No, it isn't! Our business is being destroyed - it's not funny.
I had a pearl necklace stolen from my room.
That's not funny.
But you are so keen on being Mr Nice Guy, that you end up being Mr Useless Waste of Space.
You can't let her speak to you like that.
Do you know, I did hear someone creeping about.
It was just like last week, when I heard 'em climbing on the roof.
We've been through that, Mrs Bentley.
It was just a bad dream.
Well, I'm not surprised people are hearing things.
The Pincotts run this place like a prison camp.
OK, well, I know things have been a bit weird recently, but, just like the stairlift, we can rise above it.
So let's just all put on a big smiley face.
CHUCKLING Are you not eating, Mrs Bentley? I thought I'd just push it round the plate and hope it evaporates.
I know how you feel.
It's been a funny few days.
You can't possibly know how I feel.
Oh, nice of you to try.
What is this muck? Omelette! It says on the menu, "quiche".
- Well, things change.
- Is there an alternative? Starvation.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA Are you any nearer to knowing who's behind this? We do have some theories.
Well, PLEASE find out soon.
- My wife is impossible to live with.
- Yes, where is she? - I was hoping to - Was that an asteroid? Are we being invaded? Penelope? Penelope! So, do you do you think she fell, or? I think she was pushed.
See the wound on the side of her head? - Yeah.
- Shouldn't be able to see that.
Any impact wound would be on the underside of the body.
Now, I think she was attacked first, pushed later.
- So possibly the biggest mystery here is - Yes? .
.
how did you get here before me? Er, this woman was our client.
She thought that someone was trying to destroy her business.
Oh, except they destroyed her.
- Any idea who was behind the sabotage? - We're working on it.
Well, the thing is, everyone who lives and works here has got a cast-iron alibi.
They were behind that glass, eating omelettes.
- I think I'm going to check the roof.
- I really don't think so.
Hello.
I just wondered if anyone wants any tea, or coffee, or Er, actually, could you help me with something? I've never been up here before.
I didn't even know we had a roof.
I mean, obviously I knew there had to be something on top - I just didn't think you could go on it.
Don't go so far, please.
So, erm, could anyone have got up here? I suppose they could.
Not the ones with Zimmer frames, obviously.
And when did you last see Mrs Pincott? Half an hour ago.
She fell off the roof.
I'm aware of that.
When did you last see her alive? Oh, this morning.
She had a big meeting about everything that's going on around here.
So, would you say anyone had a grudge against her? Why are you saying that? Do you think she was? Murdered? No! - I'm afraid it does look that way.
- But who would, you know? Well, possibly the same person who's behind the sabotage - maybe your wife found out and threatened to take action.
How could they? We were all inside, having lunch.
That's what's puzzling me.
But if they can get away with it for three months without being detected We're going to do everything we can to find out who did this.
Well, surely it's a matter for the police now? Well, your wife paid us for a week of surveillance.
And we can work in ways that the police can't.
I see.
Fair enough.
Frank? Oh, this doesn't sound good.
- You know I put in that hidden camera? - Yes? - Someone else has hidden it.
- PHONE RINGS.
Hello? You only had one job to do! - Yes, speaking.
- Rubbish! I've had to do bed baths and bed pans.
It'll be a long time before I feel clean again.
- Really? - So, who do you think took it? - I don't know for sure.
- I see.
- But like Quasimodo, I have a hunch.
Well, thanks.
No, that's great.
Bye, Gavin, bye.
- Who was that? - Gavin.
- Did you hear him? - Yeah, he'll find them.
I've just found out something really interesting.
Whoever's behind this sabotage must have a cupboard full of tricks.
Circuit breakers, live rodents Do you have a warrant to do that? Well, we can certainly get one.
I thought you needed evidence of wrongdoing.
Yeah, well, well, there's certainly been plenty of of evidence of wrongdoing in this kitchen.
Eight months ago, - three residents were admitted to hospital with listeria.
- I know.
They nearly died.
Which is why they got rid of that chef and hired me.
- What? - I've only been here for six months.
How are you settling in? Well, there's been a lot of weird things going on.
The last few months have been a nightmare.
But it's got nothing to do with me.
- Sorry.
- Yes.
Fine.
Is there anything else you want to frame me for? Oh, I know - maybe I'm Lord Lucan! Room service? Hello? Hi-yah! Ho! Hi-yah! Hee! Right there, son.
Now, don't move or it could get very bloody, buddy.
Now, then, what's your game? I suppose I waver between Scrabble and gin rummy.
Are you trying to be funny, sonny? Are you trying to tickle my ribs? Do you see yourself as a reincarnation of Arthur Askey? I just came in here to dust your drawers.
Why are you so interested in my drawers? - Well - I was in the Army, you know.
Six months in the jungle, alongside the Gurkhas.
Very good workers, the Gurkhas.
They can bring a man to submission using only one finger.
OK! OK, OK, OK, OK! I'm a detective! Oh, just don't tell anyone, please! Oh, so you're a dick, are you? I might have known.
Sorry for bothering you.
What's this? I found it in a Christmas cracker.
Hmm And this? And this? And this? So it turns out one of our residents, Mr Falstaff, is a kleptomaniac.
But wait till you see the footage.
Naughty Mr Falstaff.
Here come the rezzies, for their din-dins.
And here comes the dynamite.
You have no right to talk to me like that! - What about my rights? My right to a peaceful life? - You want a peaceful life? OK, then.
Goodbye.
I'm leaving you.
Do you really think it's that easy?! Just you try, I will break you.
Any job you go for, I will spread the vilest of rumours about you.
Any relationship, I'll find a way to make your lives hell.
You are nothing without me.
You are a pathetic, worthless little man.
Well, there you are.
A clear and compelling motive for murder.
Well done.
Mr Pincott.
Widower.
Possibly adulterer.
Maybe murderer.
Or, is it his bit on the side? The lovely Soozie? Well, if she and Mr P are a pair, she does get to be Queen of Shady Nook.
Then there's the chef.
Who, according to his CV, used to be in the Army.
Maybe he learnt some brilliant technique on, er, I don't know, how to murder someone whilst serving an omelette? Yeah, how could any of them have pushed her off the roof if they were all downstairs? There must be someone else.
But Marlowe checked the CCTV.
Nobody entered or left the building six hours prior to her death.
What about Mr Falstaff? We know he's a thief, but is he a saboteur who got caught in the act? Well, that's up to you to find out.
I don't know if I want to go back there.
I know he's old, but he's surprisingly vigorous.
- Are you OK, Mrs Bentley? - Yes, I'm fine.
I'll be fine, I'll be fine.
It's been a shock for all of us.
Whatever disagreements I had with Mrs Pincott, no-one deserves to go like that.
- I used to be a nurse, you know.
- Yes, I know.
And you're always haunted by the thought that you could have done better for people, that you could at least have made their last moments a bit more - comfortable.
- I know you.
You have a heart as big as a mountain.
And there's nothing more anybody could have - Hello.
- Yes? Er, any sign of Mr Falstaff? I think he went into the garden.
Thank you.
I better get some tea.
I think the police might want to talk to us.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Oh Oh! KNOCK AT DOOR - Hello? - Hello.
- Could I have a word? - Please.
Er, I've said everything I know, but, erm I could really do with a coffee.
And if you don't mind my saying so, it looks like you could too.
Oh, well, we can go to the dining room.
Great.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH The person you called is not available.
Please leave your message after the tone.
Hello, son? It's me again.
Look, when you hear this, please call me this time? I know we said that I should stick it out a bit longer Well, I have stuck it out - when we were flooded and overcome with rats.
And now, we've got a murderer in the house.
They've already killed Mrs Pincott and I have a feeling it's going to be me next on the list.
You wouldn't want that on your conscience.
Would you? Please.
Please, son.
Call me.
I can't believe she's dead.
I never knew anyone quite so alive.
I know this must be incredibly difficult for you, but we are going to have to build a clear picture of your wife's last moments.
I see.
Is it right that she was a smoker? Yeah, well, only one a day.
She'd go out, just before lunch, round the back where no-one could see her.
And, erm, do you remember the last conversation that you had with your wife today? Well, I, er Don't you have a recording of it? Yeah, Sebastian accidentally wiped it.
Oh Oh, I-I think I just said we'd get through this.
Together.
And I told her that I loved her.
KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCK AT DOOR Hello! - YOU'RE not Mr Pincott.
- That's very perceptive of you.
- Where is he? Mrs Bentley?! Well, how could she have gone missing? Well, she is one of our more active ones.
When she gets on her mobility scooter, she's like Lewis Hamilton.
Did she say where she was going? Apparently, she told Mr Woodham she was going to find some peas.
Find some peas? Well, we've got a kitchen full of the bloody things.
This Mr Woodham Is he hard of hearing? - He is a bit.
- Could she have said she wanted to find some PEACE? Ah, that makes sense.
Does Mrs Bentley have a church she goes to? I'm, er, guessing she probably came this way.
- How do you know? - A few telltale signs.
Look.
Excuse me! Excuse me! Hello! You go that way, I'll go round the back! Go on.
Yeah.
No.
Go, go, go! Yeah.
Go on! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Who are you? What do you want? My name's Frank Hathaway.
I'm a private investigator.
I was just wondering why you came here.
Everyone's worried sick about you.
I came here to to make my peace .
.
with Him.
Is there a reason you have to make your peace with Him? It was me.
I brought death to Shady Nook.
What, you actually pushed Mrs Pincott off the roof? No, but I made it happen.
I invited her here.
Me and my big mouth.
- Who are you talking about? - She killed Mrs Pincott.
And she'll kill us all.
She wants her revenge.
Who does? Janet.
Janet Jeffson.
Hello! Agh! Argh! No, she's She's not, she's not, she's - Janet Jeffson? - That's what she said.
Doesn't ring any bells.
She was saying, "Janet did it, Janet's going to kill everyone.
" - And then she had her accident.
- Was she compos mentis? It's hard to say - she was scared out of her wits.
There must be SOMEBODY called Jeffson connected with this place.
Tell you what, we'll talk to Mr Pincott, - why don't you run the name through the PNC? - Fine.
Any other little jobs you'd like me to do? Er, did you find anything on the roof? Our forensics are looking in to it, thanks.
Well, we've never had anyone here called Jeffson I can think of.
Perhaps she was just confused, then.
Perhaps.
Regarding your wife's murder, there is one line of inquiry we need to pursue.
Oh, yes? What if the murderer killed your wife in order to get close to you? Sorry, er, why? Well, supposing somebody had feelings for you - romantic feelings.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I know I'm no Tom Cruise.
- It's a long time since.
- I - made anyone weak at the knees.
Well, then Yes, erm, we'll, er, continue with our enquiries.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
And I'm really sorry if we said anything upsetting at all.
No, no.
You're just doing your job.
Thank you.
So there are three Valentine's cards, so it's been going on for some time.
Oh! And it's the same writing there as the condolence card.
- Really?! - Yeah.
It's got the same slanty Ls and then the Ts that aren't quite crossed.
- Ah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- So Mr P has a psychotic secret admirer.
Only question is, are they working together? PHONE RINGS Oh.
Sebastian! I know who killed Mrs Pincott.
Go on.
It was Mr Falstaff.
He's behind the sabotage and everything.
He's doing it so his son will come and rescue him.
Wow! That's a really interesting theory.
- Completely wrong, but - No, I promise you, it's - Oh, got to go! MR PINCOTT: - I need to talk to you.
No, somewhere we won't be observed.
OK, then, the butterfly farm.
About ten minutes.
Oh, here he is! Right, let's pump up the volume.
Oh! He's not wearing the jacket! - What? - Well, I suppose it is a climate-controlled, subtropical environment, isn't it? Oh, thank you, David Attenborough! Stay there.
I'm going in.
Hello! Oh, Soozie! - Well I I'm glad you came.
- Oh, of course I came! You know I'll always bend over backwards for you, Mr Pincott.
Oh, well, this is all a bit er, hard.
I have some rather awkward questions to ask you.
Well, fire away.
There is literally no part of me that's off limits.
Well For the past three years, I've been receiving Valentine's cards.
- Have you? - I've always thought, "Oh, how sweet, that's nice!" But now I need to know .
.
did you send them to me? I might have done.
Of course, I was always very discreet.
No-one could call me a marriage wrecker.
But now, well, there's nothing left to wreck, is there? Soozie, w-what are you saying? What I'm saying is, your wife is dead.
She's in a box.
And now it's time for you to think outside the box.
Mr Falstaff! Oh, hello there, son! You on some secret mission? I'm just here to check on the jams and preserves.
And, of course, the sugar bowl.
- Sugar bowl? - Hmm.
Not everyone likes these wriggly little beasties squirming in their cornflakes.
- How did you? - I'm very perceptive.
You've been behind a whole load of the horrors here.
Blood-sucking bugs in the bedroom.
That sinister smile on the stairlift.
So what if I have? What are you going to do about it? Not a whole lot I CAN do.
Especially when you're trying to bring this place to its knees, so you'll be thrown out on the street, and then, perhaps, your son will come and rescue you.
And, you know, you've got style.
A little scatological, but it's hard not to be impressed.
Thank you very much.
But what you did to Mrs Pincott What exactly happened? Did she catch you in the act? I can't believe you think that I've often wished to wipe the smile off her face, but I didn't make her go splat-io on the patio.
- Really? - Well, I couldn't! I was having lunch.
Fair dos.
I'm really rather hurt that you think like that.
I'm no angel, but I'm not Norman Bates.
All right, I did play around a bit because I wanted to close the place down so that my son would come and fetch me.
I know it's wrong, but .
.
I do get awfully lonely.
Please, Mr Pincott.
I've had six years of watching your wife torture you, like a cruel child pulling the wings off a tragic insect! But now we're here in the butterfly house.
And maybe, from the cocoon of your grief, you'll learn to fly away.
Into the sunset.
- With me! - I don't want to fly with you.
- What?! - Soozie, did you murder my wife? No! Though I may have sent her the odd abusive card.
Sorry.
- HE GRUMBLES.
- Oh, Soozie, will you just leave me alone? I thought I paid you to solve my wife's murder, not to spy on me.
Er, well, actually, your wife paid us to find out the truth and you haven't been entirely honest with us.
- What do you mean? - Well, you told me that the last thing you said to your wife was, "We'll get through this, I love you," when actually, what you said was, "Goodbye, I'm leaving you.
" OK, I know I said it.
- Well And? - Well, when you've been married 25 years, you say that sort of thing all the time.
It won't be like that for us, though.
Every day will be like birthdays and Christmas time put together.
Shut up, Soozie.
I've just been on the phone to DI Marlowe.
She's exposed a few more lies.
According to your own records, you did have a resident called Jeffson.
Ellena Jeffson.
I remember.
She was a very confused woman.
Lived a Lived in her own little dream world.
Until a year ago, when she died of a cardiac arrest.
And your wife was murdered on the first anniversary of her death.
Did you know that? You must have realised that the two things were connected.
Well, to tell you the truth, I've always been haunted by what happened.
Ellena could be difficult and, er, cantankerous and she had hallucinations.
And once I got so fed up with her pushing the alarm to complain about giant spiders, I just turned the thing off.
- What?! - An hour later, she had a heart attack.
Was there an investigation? A couple of residents asked some questions.
But my wife decided to save the day.
She said there must have been a problem with the alarm and that she was sorry for not checking but it wouldn't happen again.
So you committed an act of gross negligence and your wife took the blame and covered it up.
And then exactly a year later, someone took her life.
Was there anyone who was particularly close to this Ellena Jeffson? OK, so I haven't found the murderer, but I have solved the mystery of the soiled stairlift.
Oh, well, you've got to start somewhere, haven't you? Is Marlowe still around? She went back to the station.
Oh, great! I can go on the roof.
Er, hang on! We do have a suspect to talk to, you know.
You talk to them.
I need to find out how she fell.
KNOCK AT DOOR - Who are you?! - It's OK.
I'm with Frank.
I'm investigating the murder.
Well, I didn't do it.
Huh! How could I? I just wanted to talk to you about your old roommate.
The woman that lived with you just over a year ago.
Is it Ellena Jeffson? She was a lost soul, really.
Didn't know who she was, or where she was, but, well, it was nice having someone in the room with me, and when I was in bed, I could listen to her breathing.
Until one night Yes.
It was a cardiac arrest.
I pressed the buzzer, no-one came.
I screamed, no-one no-one heard me and then by the time I got help, it was too late to save her.
And you blamed Mrs Pincott.
Well, she was in charge.
It's a difficult job, but, oh, I was I was very angry.
Of course you were.
Did you do anything about it? Right, Sebastian.
What do you see? The roof the sky.
And on the wall in front of you? Erm Some indentations, maybe? - SEBASTIAN CLICKS TONGUE.
- Yeah.
Ah.
Hmm.
What's done that, then? HE PUFFS Sorry, what are you doing? I'm building a killing machine.
When they took her body away, I went through her belongings.
I found this big bundle of letters.
It seems that she had a daughter, overseas.
So I wrote to the daughter and I told her everything.
And that was Janet Jeffson? Oh, her name was Jan.
I don't know about the Jeffson.
I think Ellena had remarried.
Do you remember the address? Er, one minute.
There's only one thing we need now.
- What? - Gravity.
Goodbye, cruel world.
There we are.
"Arkshire Regiment".
This is the woman that you've been writing to? Yes.
Yes, it is.
- PHONE RINGS Hello? - I've just found our murderer.
Yeah, and we've just found the method.
Oh, no.
Hi.
Ian McClurgy? Hello.
We've got something that belongs to you.
It's the letters to your mum from when you were in Helmand Province.
She kept every one.
We weren't sure who they were from to begin with, cos you'd signed them "love, Ian" and Mrs Bentley misread it as "Jan".
Thank you.
Must've been hard for you, being so far away from her.
I knew she was on the way out.
She was getting confused, but I had no idea she was so close to the end.
When she died, Mrs Bentley wrote to you and told you what happened.
Then you came to work here.
Only you weren't working.
You were observing.
Like for instance, you knew that every day at 12, Mrs Pincott went out for a cigarette.
But today wasn't just any day.
Mrs Pincott.
Yes? - Do you know what day it is? - What do you mean? I mean what day and what happened a year ago.
- Erm - You should know.
It should haunt you at every waking moment.
You killed a resident.
Oh, for God's sake, we did nothing wrong.
And anyway, the woman was a vegetable.
It was meant to be quiche for lunch, but you made an omelette.
What is this muck? Because, presumably, you couldn't roll pastry with a blood-spattered rolling pin.
You hit her on the head.
I mean, I imagine you just meant to knock her unconscious so that when she fell off the roof it would look like suicide.
But what happened? Did things get out of hand? And then, of course, the final flourish.
You took her body and put her on a wheelchair at the top of a ramp .
.
and used some kind of timing device.
There were burn marks on the floor.
What was it? Corrosive acid? And then when you were downstairs serving lunch .
.
she fell from the roof.
So what if I did? It was divine justice.
And at least no-one else will suffer like my mother did.
What would you say if I told you that Mrs Pincott was innocent? No! She did it.
- She admitted it.
- No.
It was Mr Pincott - that turned off the alarm.
- SIRENS WAIL.
And his wife was so keen to protect him that she took the blame.
You just murdered an innocent woman.
No! - No! - Ian Ian! - Stop there.
- Oi.
- Take it easy.
Stay there, stay there.
Right, calm down.
Ian McClurgy, I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.
You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something you later rely on in court.
Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
Do you understand? Well, thank you for coming in this hour of our need.
You're welcome.
Mr Pincott's speaking to the police and Soozie's clearing out her locker.
I don't think you're going to see either of them again.
Well, God knows what'll happen to us.
We'll probably be out on the street.
- I'm sure they'll find you somewhere.
- Oh, I know.
I got through the war and an ill-advised marriage, I dare say I can cope with this.
Any sign of Sebastian? Yes, he went off with Mr Falstaff.
- Really? - Yes.
It's wonderful to see him happy just this once.
- Come on, Johnny! - Come on, Johnny! - Come on, Johnny! - There we are.
- HE LAUGHS.
THEY CHUCKLE Come on, Sebastian.
Come on! Come on.
Come on.
Yes! Another win for the Leicestershire Legend! A win!? I could hardly see you for dust.
Oh, you're such a loser! A loser? You're such a liar! - Oh! - Here you go.
- APPLAUSE I feel like Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.
Aw, you look like her.
Smell like her.
Are you ready to go? Can I come back tomorrow? Behave yourself.
THEY CHEER
Rapid heartbeat.
We need to defibrillate.
Who is? What are you talking about? Her.
The other woman.
There is no other woman.
You've got this place all to yourself.
You were having a bad dream.
But it it was so real.
I had a bad dream once.
I dreamt I was drowning in a sea of yogurt, and I'm actually lactose intolerant.
Look.
I know we've had a tough time recently, with all the calamities.
But, er, we can get through it.
There's no need to panic.
Oh, my God, it's a cockroach! THEY GROAN Hopefully that's the last one.
- There was there was something else.
- Oh, yes? There was a man, climbing up the wall, and then I heard him, stomp, stomp, stomping on the roof.
Well, if he comes back, tell him to pop in.
It gets ever so lonely on night shifts! Soozie, why don't you go and clean the sluice room? Yes, Mrs Pincott.
- Goodnight, Mrs Bentley.
- Goodnight, dear.
So, no more nonsense.
There are no strange men.
You are perfectly safe here.
Night-night.
CREAKING, WINDCHIMES JANGLE CLUNKING THUNDER RUMBLES SHE WHIMPERS All right, take it easy, cos this is a very old gate.
- What, this one? - Yes.
Oh! - Well, yes, we're fine.
Right, stop here.
Stop here.
Stop here.
Stop here! - So Mr and Mrs - Pincott.
Owain and Penelope.
How can we help you? Have you ever heard of Shady Nook? - Yes, - I - have.
That's, er, an old folks' home, isn't it? - Just down the road, by the butterfly farm.
- Mm.
It's our old folks' home.
- But I really don't know for how much longer.
Read the list, Owain.
- Oh Er Er, three months ago, we had our first electrical failure.
Lights flickering, but our electrician couldn't seem to fix it.
Er, the following week, the fire alarm went off in the middle of the, erm Any chance you could sum it up in a sentence? Look, basically, we've had floods and fire alarms, we've had anonymous complaints to social services, cockroaches in the kitchen, we've had thefts from the bedroom.
And then, last week, it got REALLY nasty.
Yep, it was our anniversary.
25 years, we've been together.
- Congratulations! - Mm.
Only, somebody sent me this.
A sympathy card.
I-I don't know who it was, but, as you can imagine, - it put quite a dampener on the day.
- Can I have that? - Yeah.
You're welcome to it.
So, what do you think it is - some kind of industrial sabotage? Or a practical joke? If it's a joke, it's costing us thousands, as several residents - have chosen to leave.
- Well - If it's a joke, it's keeping me awake all night, as I wonder what they're plotting next.
If it's a joke, well, then I'm screaming with laughter! I think we can really help you with this, can't we? We could, we could do some - Um, we could do - .
.
undercover - BOTH: .
.
surveillance.
- Oh, you've got to be careful.
I mean, it is a home, and some of our residents have a nervous disposition.
It would need to be someone quite delicate.
Would anyone care for some liquid refreshment? Earl Grey? Cafe au lait? Horlicks malted milk? Does anyone have the remote control, or shall we just sit here and die of boredom? Er, right, everyone! I've got someone I'd like you to meet.
Is it Kim Kardashian? No, Mr Falstaff, it is not.
- Ah, well, I'm not interested.
- This is, er, Ronan.
He's a trainee care assistant, and I know you're going to make him very welcome.
Welcome to God's waiting room.
Hello! Hello! - Hello! - Hello! - Hello! He's nice.
Is there something wrong with your glasses, son? Och, no.
Just a bit new.
Still having to wear them in.
- Sorry I'm late, everyone.
- You are.
And I'll deduct it from your wages.
Er, this is Ronan.
Er, he'll be working alongside you.
Oh.
Hello.
I've got cakes, everybody.
Would you like one, Mr Woodham? Oh, not that one! That's for Mrs Pincott.
It's got arsenic in it.
So, may I tempt you to some passion fruit drizzle cake? Soozie, I do need to think about my girth.
There's nothing wrong with having something to hold on to! THEY CHUCKLE Hello, son! Oh, you do need to do something about those glasses.
Mr Pincott, why don't you lend him some of your toupee tape? Oh, very amusing, Mr Falstaff.
- What are you doing here? - I was just leaving.
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS Hello! I'm Ronan.
- I'm a care assistant.
- So? I was just wondering if I could put my prawn vol-au-vents in your fridge? I will not allow YOUR lunchbox in my sterile area.
Fair enough.
I suppose you're quite meticulous about food hygiene.
I'm incredibly busy.
I've got 32 portions of soup to prepare, and Who let that furry freak in here?! - Ronan! - Furry little stink-bag! - Mr Bull's made a mess of his colostomy bag.
Will you help me sort it? KNIFE CLATTERS They make me do things that I am really not designed to do.
So, what have you found out? This is the chef.
Ian McClurgy.
Makes Gordon Ramsay look quite cuddly.
I've not got any actual dirt on him, but he is behind on his food hygiene.
Look.
Only goes up to 2015.
Ah.
I've got a friend in Environmental Health - could look into that for us.
- Now, get ready to scream.
- Aw! - Really? Well, it's hardly a street rat from the sewers, is it, eh? Huh? More like a fluffy rodent from a pet shop.
Which means somebody probably planted it there.
Maybe the same someone who's been messing with the electrics.
Speaking of electricity Soozie Honeywell, care assistant.
She's worked there six years.
This morning, she popped into Mr Pincott's office, and THIS happened Dun, dun, durrr! What is it? A torrid affair or some kind of complicated - medical procedure? - Well, it was hard to tell.
We were interrupted by another resident.
So, all these things that are going wrong Is someone trying to get at Shady Nook, or have they got it in for Mrs Pincott - possibly because they want her husband? - Right, everyone.
- SHE CLAPS HER HANDS.
Can I have your attention, please? I've a very unpleasant announcement to make.
In the small hours of this morning, someone - and you know who you are - did something truly unspeakable on the stairlift.
It was not an accident.
The individual pieces had been arranged to make a smiley face.
But I am not smiling.
So who did it? Which of you is responsible for giving me six months of sleepless nights, and turning my fingernails into bloody stumps? Was it the cat? Very funny, Mr Falstaff.
No, it isn't! Our business is being destroyed - it's not funny.
I had a pearl necklace stolen from my room.
That's not funny.
But you are so keen on being Mr Nice Guy, that you end up being Mr Useless Waste of Space.
You can't let her speak to you like that.
Do you know, I did hear someone creeping about.
It was just like last week, when I heard 'em climbing on the roof.
We've been through that, Mrs Bentley.
It was just a bad dream.
Well, I'm not surprised people are hearing things.
The Pincotts run this place like a prison camp.
OK, well, I know things have been a bit weird recently, but, just like the stairlift, we can rise above it.
So let's just all put on a big smiley face.
CHUCKLING Are you not eating, Mrs Bentley? I thought I'd just push it round the plate and hope it evaporates.
I know how you feel.
It's been a funny few days.
You can't possibly know how I feel.
Oh, nice of you to try.
What is this muck? Omelette! It says on the menu, "quiche".
- Well, things change.
- Is there an alternative? Starvation.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA Are you any nearer to knowing who's behind this? We do have some theories.
Well, PLEASE find out soon.
- My wife is impossible to live with.
- Yes, where is she? - I was hoping to - Was that an asteroid? Are we being invaded? Penelope? Penelope! So, do you do you think she fell, or? I think she was pushed.
See the wound on the side of her head? - Yeah.
- Shouldn't be able to see that.
Any impact wound would be on the underside of the body.
Now, I think she was attacked first, pushed later.
- So possibly the biggest mystery here is - Yes? .
.
how did you get here before me? Er, this woman was our client.
She thought that someone was trying to destroy her business.
Oh, except they destroyed her.
- Any idea who was behind the sabotage? - We're working on it.
Well, the thing is, everyone who lives and works here has got a cast-iron alibi.
They were behind that glass, eating omelettes.
- I think I'm going to check the roof.
- I really don't think so.
Hello.
I just wondered if anyone wants any tea, or coffee, or Er, actually, could you help me with something? I've never been up here before.
I didn't even know we had a roof.
I mean, obviously I knew there had to be something on top - I just didn't think you could go on it.
Don't go so far, please.
So, erm, could anyone have got up here? I suppose they could.
Not the ones with Zimmer frames, obviously.
And when did you last see Mrs Pincott? Half an hour ago.
She fell off the roof.
I'm aware of that.
When did you last see her alive? Oh, this morning.
She had a big meeting about everything that's going on around here.
So, would you say anyone had a grudge against her? Why are you saying that? Do you think she was? Murdered? No! - I'm afraid it does look that way.
- But who would, you know? Well, possibly the same person who's behind the sabotage - maybe your wife found out and threatened to take action.
How could they? We were all inside, having lunch.
That's what's puzzling me.
But if they can get away with it for three months without being detected We're going to do everything we can to find out who did this.
Well, surely it's a matter for the police now? Well, your wife paid us for a week of surveillance.
And we can work in ways that the police can't.
I see.
Fair enough.
Frank? Oh, this doesn't sound good.
- You know I put in that hidden camera? - Yes? - Someone else has hidden it.
- PHONE RINGS.
Hello? You only had one job to do! - Yes, speaking.
- Rubbish! I've had to do bed baths and bed pans.
It'll be a long time before I feel clean again.
- Really? - So, who do you think took it? - I don't know for sure.
- I see.
- But like Quasimodo, I have a hunch.
Well, thanks.
No, that's great.
Bye, Gavin, bye.
- Who was that? - Gavin.
- Did you hear him? - Yeah, he'll find them.
I've just found out something really interesting.
Whoever's behind this sabotage must have a cupboard full of tricks.
Circuit breakers, live rodents Do you have a warrant to do that? Well, we can certainly get one.
I thought you needed evidence of wrongdoing.
Yeah, well, well, there's certainly been plenty of of evidence of wrongdoing in this kitchen.
Eight months ago, - three residents were admitted to hospital with listeria.
- I know.
They nearly died.
Which is why they got rid of that chef and hired me.
- What? - I've only been here for six months.
How are you settling in? Well, there's been a lot of weird things going on.
The last few months have been a nightmare.
But it's got nothing to do with me.
- Sorry.
- Yes.
Fine.
Is there anything else you want to frame me for? Oh, I know - maybe I'm Lord Lucan! Room service? Hello? Hi-yah! Ho! Hi-yah! Hee! Right there, son.
Now, don't move or it could get very bloody, buddy.
Now, then, what's your game? I suppose I waver between Scrabble and gin rummy.
Are you trying to be funny, sonny? Are you trying to tickle my ribs? Do you see yourself as a reincarnation of Arthur Askey? I just came in here to dust your drawers.
Why are you so interested in my drawers? - Well - I was in the Army, you know.
Six months in the jungle, alongside the Gurkhas.
Very good workers, the Gurkhas.
They can bring a man to submission using only one finger.
OK! OK, OK, OK, OK! I'm a detective! Oh, just don't tell anyone, please! Oh, so you're a dick, are you? I might have known.
Sorry for bothering you.
What's this? I found it in a Christmas cracker.
Hmm And this? And this? And this? So it turns out one of our residents, Mr Falstaff, is a kleptomaniac.
But wait till you see the footage.
Naughty Mr Falstaff.
Here come the rezzies, for their din-dins.
And here comes the dynamite.
You have no right to talk to me like that! - What about my rights? My right to a peaceful life? - You want a peaceful life? OK, then.
Goodbye.
I'm leaving you.
Do you really think it's that easy?! Just you try, I will break you.
Any job you go for, I will spread the vilest of rumours about you.
Any relationship, I'll find a way to make your lives hell.
You are nothing without me.
You are a pathetic, worthless little man.
Well, there you are.
A clear and compelling motive for murder.
Well done.
Mr Pincott.
Widower.
Possibly adulterer.
Maybe murderer.
Or, is it his bit on the side? The lovely Soozie? Well, if she and Mr P are a pair, she does get to be Queen of Shady Nook.
Then there's the chef.
Who, according to his CV, used to be in the Army.
Maybe he learnt some brilliant technique on, er, I don't know, how to murder someone whilst serving an omelette? Yeah, how could any of them have pushed her off the roof if they were all downstairs? There must be someone else.
But Marlowe checked the CCTV.
Nobody entered or left the building six hours prior to her death.
What about Mr Falstaff? We know he's a thief, but is he a saboteur who got caught in the act? Well, that's up to you to find out.
I don't know if I want to go back there.
I know he's old, but he's surprisingly vigorous.
- Are you OK, Mrs Bentley? - Yes, I'm fine.
I'll be fine, I'll be fine.
It's been a shock for all of us.
Whatever disagreements I had with Mrs Pincott, no-one deserves to go like that.
- I used to be a nurse, you know.
- Yes, I know.
And you're always haunted by the thought that you could have done better for people, that you could at least have made their last moments a bit more - comfortable.
- I know you.
You have a heart as big as a mountain.
And there's nothing more anybody could have - Hello.
- Yes? Er, any sign of Mr Falstaff? I think he went into the garden.
Thank you.
I better get some tea.
I think the police might want to talk to us.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Oh Oh! KNOCK AT DOOR - Hello? - Hello.
- Could I have a word? - Please.
Er, I've said everything I know, but, erm I could really do with a coffee.
And if you don't mind my saying so, it looks like you could too.
Oh, well, we can go to the dining room.
Great.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH The person you called is not available.
Please leave your message after the tone.
Hello, son? It's me again.
Look, when you hear this, please call me this time? I know we said that I should stick it out a bit longer Well, I have stuck it out - when we were flooded and overcome with rats.
And now, we've got a murderer in the house.
They've already killed Mrs Pincott and I have a feeling it's going to be me next on the list.
You wouldn't want that on your conscience.
Would you? Please.
Please, son.
Call me.
I can't believe she's dead.
I never knew anyone quite so alive.
I know this must be incredibly difficult for you, but we are going to have to build a clear picture of your wife's last moments.
I see.
Is it right that she was a smoker? Yeah, well, only one a day.
She'd go out, just before lunch, round the back where no-one could see her.
And, erm, do you remember the last conversation that you had with your wife today? Well, I, er Don't you have a recording of it? Yeah, Sebastian accidentally wiped it.
Oh Oh, I-I think I just said we'd get through this.
Together.
And I told her that I loved her.
KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCK AT DOOR Hello! - YOU'RE not Mr Pincott.
- That's very perceptive of you.
- Where is he? Mrs Bentley?! Well, how could she have gone missing? Well, she is one of our more active ones.
When she gets on her mobility scooter, she's like Lewis Hamilton.
Did she say where she was going? Apparently, she told Mr Woodham she was going to find some peas.
Find some peas? Well, we've got a kitchen full of the bloody things.
This Mr Woodham Is he hard of hearing? - He is a bit.
- Could she have said she wanted to find some PEACE? Ah, that makes sense.
Does Mrs Bentley have a church she goes to? I'm, er, guessing she probably came this way.
- How do you know? - A few telltale signs.
Look.
Excuse me! Excuse me! Hello! You go that way, I'll go round the back! Go on.
Yeah.
No.
Go, go, go! Yeah.
Go on! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Who are you? What do you want? My name's Frank Hathaway.
I'm a private investigator.
I was just wondering why you came here.
Everyone's worried sick about you.
I came here to to make my peace .
.
with Him.
Is there a reason you have to make your peace with Him? It was me.
I brought death to Shady Nook.
What, you actually pushed Mrs Pincott off the roof? No, but I made it happen.
I invited her here.
Me and my big mouth.
- Who are you talking about? - She killed Mrs Pincott.
And she'll kill us all.
She wants her revenge.
Who does? Janet.
Janet Jeffson.
Hello! Agh! Argh! No, she's She's not, she's not, she's - Janet Jeffson? - That's what she said.
Doesn't ring any bells.
She was saying, "Janet did it, Janet's going to kill everyone.
" - And then she had her accident.
- Was she compos mentis? It's hard to say - she was scared out of her wits.
There must be SOMEBODY called Jeffson connected with this place.
Tell you what, we'll talk to Mr Pincott, - why don't you run the name through the PNC? - Fine.
Any other little jobs you'd like me to do? Er, did you find anything on the roof? Our forensics are looking in to it, thanks.
Well, we've never had anyone here called Jeffson I can think of.
Perhaps she was just confused, then.
Perhaps.
Regarding your wife's murder, there is one line of inquiry we need to pursue.
Oh, yes? What if the murderer killed your wife in order to get close to you? Sorry, er, why? Well, supposing somebody had feelings for you - romantic feelings.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I know I'm no Tom Cruise.
- It's a long time since.
- I - made anyone weak at the knees.
Well, then Yes, erm, we'll, er, continue with our enquiries.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
And I'm really sorry if we said anything upsetting at all.
No, no.
You're just doing your job.
Thank you.
So there are three Valentine's cards, so it's been going on for some time.
Oh! And it's the same writing there as the condolence card.
- Really?! - Yeah.
It's got the same slanty Ls and then the Ts that aren't quite crossed.
- Ah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- So Mr P has a psychotic secret admirer.
Only question is, are they working together? PHONE RINGS Oh.
Sebastian! I know who killed Mrs Pincott.
Go on.
It was Mr Falstaff.
He's behind the sabotage and everything.
He's doing it so his son will come and rescue him.
Wow! That's a really interesting theory.
- Completely wrong, but - No, I promise you, it's - Oh, got to go! MR PINCOTT: - I need to talk to you.
No, somewhere we won't be observed.
OK, then, the butterfly farm.
About ten minutes.
Oh, here he is! Right, let's pump up the volume.
Oh! He's not wearing the jacket! - What? - Well, I suppose it is a climate-controlled, subtropical environment, isn't it? Oh, thank you, David Attenborough! Stay there.
I'm going in.
Hello! Oh, Soozie! - Well I I'm glad you came.
- Oh, of course I came! You know I'll always bend over backwards for you, Mr Pincott.
Oh, well, this is all a bit er, hard.
I have some rather awkward questions to ask you.
Well, fire away.
There is literally no part of me that's off limits.
Well For the past three years, I've been receiving Valentine's cards.
- Have you? - I've always thought, "Oh, how sweet, that's nice!" But now I need to know .
.
did you send them to me? I might have done.
Of course, I was always very discreet.
No-one could call me a marriage wrecker.
But now, well, there's nothing left to wreck, is there? Soozie, w-what are you saying? What I'm saying is, your wife is dead.
She's in a box.
And now it's time for you to think outside the box.
Mr Falstaff! Oh, hello there, son! You on some secret mission? I'm just here to check on the jams and preserves.
And, of course, the sugar bowl.
- Sugar bowl? - Hmm.
Not everyone likes these wriggly little beasties squirming in their cornflakes.
- How did you? - I'm very perceptive.
You've been behind a whole load of the horrors here.
Blood-sucking bugs in the bedroom.
That sinister smile on the stairlift.
So what if I have? What are you going to do about it? Not a whole lot I CAN do.
Especially when you're trying to bring this place to its knees, so you'll be thrown out on the street, and then, perhaps, your son will come and rescue you.
And, you know, you've got style.
A little scatological, but it's hard not to be impressed.
Thank you very much.
But what you did to Mrs Pincott What exactly happened? Did she catch you in the act? I can't believe you think that I've often wished to wipe the smile off her face, but I didn't make her go splat-io on the patio.
- Really? - Well, I couldn't! I was having lunch.
Fair dos.
I'm really rather hurt that you think like that.
I'm no angel, but I'm not Norman Bates.
All right, I did play around a bit because I wanted to close the place down so that my son would come and fetch me.
I know it's wrong, but .
.
I do get awfully lonely.
Please, Mr Pincott.
I've had six years of watching your wife torture you, like a cruel child pulling the wings off a tragic insect! But now we're here in the butterfly house.
And maybe, from the cocoon of your grief, you'll learn to fly away.
Into the sunset.
- With me! - I don't want to fly with you.
- What?! - Soozie, did you murder my wife? No! Though I may have sent her the odd abusive card.
Sorry.
- HE GRUMBLES.
- Oh, Soozie, will you just leave me alone? I thought I paid you to solve my wife's murder, not to spy on me.
Er, well, actually, your wife paid us to find out the truth and you haven't been entirely honest with us.
- What do you mean? - Well, you told me that the last thing you said to your wife was, "We'll get through this, I love you," when actually, what you said was, "Goodbye, I'm leaving you.
" OK, I know I said it.
- Well And? - Well, when you've been married 25 years, you say that sort of thing all the time.
It won't be like that for us, though.
Every day will be like birthdays and Christmas time put together.
Shut up, Soozie.
I've just been on the phone to DI Marlowe.
She's exposed a few more lies.
According to your own records, you did have a resident called Jeffson.
Ellena Jeffson.
I remember.
She was a very confused woman.
Lived a Lived in her own little dream world.
Until a year ago, when she died of a cardiac arrest.
And your wife was murdered on the first anniversary of her death.
Did you know that? You must have realised that the two things were connected.
Well, to tell you the truth, I've always been haunted by what happened.
Ellena could be difficult and, er, cantankerous and she had hallucinations.
And once I got so fed up with her pushing the alarm to complain about giant spiders, I just turned the thing off.
- What?! - An hour later, she had a heart attack.
Was there an investigation? A couple of residents asked some questions.
But my wife decided to save the day.
She said there must have been a problem with the alarm and that she was sorry for not checking but it wouldn't happen again.
So you committed an act of gross negligence and your wife took the blame and covered it up.
And then exactly a year later, someone took her life.
Was there anyone who was particularly close to this Ellena Jeffson? OK, so I haven't found the murderer, but I have solved the mystery of the soiled stairlift.
Oh, well, you've got to start somewhere, haven't you? Is Marlowe still around? She went back to the station.
Oh, great! I can go on the roof.
Er, hang on! We do have a suspect to talk to, you know.
You talk to them.
I need to find out how she fell.
KNOCK AT DOOR - Who are you?! - It's OK.
I'm with Frank.
I'm investigating the murder.
Well, I didn't do it.
Huh! How could I? I just wanted to talk to you about your old roommate.
The woman that lived with you just over a year ago.
Is it Ellena Jeffson? She was a lost soul, really.
Didn't know who she was, or where she was, but, well, it was nice having someone in the room with me, and when I was in bed, I could listen to her breathing.
Until one night Yes.
It was a cardiac arrest.
I pressed the buzzer, no-one came.
I screamed, no-one no-one heard me and then by the time I got help, it was too late to save her.
And you blamed Mrs Pincott.
Well, she was in charge.
It's a difficult job, but, oh, I was I was very angry.
Of course you were.
Did you do anything about it? Right, Sebastian.
What do you see? The roof the sky.
And on the wall in front of you? Erm Some indentations, maybe? - SEBASTIAN CLICKS TONGUE.
- Yeah.
Ah.
Hmm.
What's done that, then? HE PUFFS Sorry, what are you doing? I'm building a killing machine.
When they took her body away, I went through her belongings.
I found this big bundle of letters.
It seems that she had a daughter, overseas.
So I wrote to the daughter and I told her everything.
And that was Janet Jeffson? Oh, her name was Jan.
I don't know about the Jeffson.
I think Ellena had remarried.
Do you remember the address? Er, one minute.
There's only one thing we need now.
- What? - Gravity.
Goodbye, cruel world.
There we are.
"Arkshire Regiment".
This is the woman that you've been writing to? Yes.
Yes, it is.
- PHONE RINGS Hello? - I've just found our murderer.
Yeah, and we've just found the method.
Oh, no.
Hi.
Ian McClurgy? Hello.
We've got something that belongs to you.
It's the letters to your mum from when you were in Helmand Province.
She kept every one.
We weren't sure who they were from to begin with, cos you'd signed them "love, Ian" and Mrs Bentley misread it as "Jan".
Thank you.
Must've been hard for you, being so far away from her.
I knew she was on the way out.
She was getting confused, but I had no idea she was so close to the end.
When she died, Mrs Bentley wrote to you and told you what happened.
Then you came to work here.
Only you weren't working.
You were observing.
Like for instance, you knew that every day at 12, Mrs Pincott went out for a cigarette.
But today wasn't just any day.
Mrs Pincott.
Yes? - Do you know what day it is? - What do you mean? I mean what day and what happened a year ago.
- Erm - You should know.
It should haunt you at every waking moment.
You killed a resident.
Oh, for God's sake, we did nothing wrong.
And anyway, the woman was a vegetable.
It was meant to be quiche for lunch, but you made an omelette.
What is this muck? Because, presumably, you couldn't roll pastry with a blood-spattered rolling pin.
You hit her on the head.
I mean, I imagine you just meant to knock her unconscious so that when she fell off the roof it would look like suicide.
But what happened? Did things get out of hand? And then, of course, the final flourish.
You took her body and put her on a wheelchair at the top of a ramp .
.
and used some kind of timing device.
There were burn marks on the floor.
What was it? Corrosive acid? And then when you were downstairs serving lunch .
.
she fell from the roof.
So what if I did? It was divine justice.
And at least no-one else will suffer like my mother did.
What would you say if I told you that Mrs Pincott was innocent? No! She did it.
- She admitted it.
- No.
It was Mr Pincott - that turned off the alarm.
- SIRENS WAIL.
And his wife was so keen to protect him that she took the blame.
You just murdered an innocent woman.
No! - No! - Ian Ian! - Stop there.
- Oi.
- Take it easy.
Stay there, stay there.
Right, calm down.
Ian McClurgy, I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.
You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something you later rely on in court.
Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
Do you understand? Well, thank you for coming in this hour of our need.
You're welcome.
Mr Pincott's speaking to the police and Soozie's clearing out her locker.
I don't think you're going to see either of them again.
Well, God knows what'll happen to us.
We'll probably be out on the street.
- I'm sure they'll find you somewhere.
- Oh, I know.
I got through the war and an ill-advised marriage, I dare say I can cope with this.
Any sign of Sebastian? Yes, he went off with Mr Falstaff.
- Really? - Yes.
It's wonderful to see him happy just this once.
- Come on, Johnny! - Come on, Johnny! - Come on, Johnny! - There we are.
- HE LAUGHS.
THEY CHUCKLE Come on, Sebastian.
Come on! Come on.
Come on.
Yes! Another win for the Leicestershire Legend! A win!? I could hardly see you for dust.
Oh, you're such a loser! A loser? You're such a liar! - Oh! - Here you go.
- APPLAUSE I feel like Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.
Aw, you look like her.
Smell like her.
Are you ready to go? Can I come back tomorrow? Behave yourself.
THEY CHEER