Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators (2018) s02e05 Episode Script

No More Cakes and Ale

1 CHAINS CLANK DOOR CREAKS Get off my quad bike! Put your hands where I can see 'em! GUNSHO What the hell are you doing, eh? Oh, no, what have you done?! Let's get out of here.
GLASS CLINKS Let's get out of here! ENGINE STARTS HE GROANS I'm defending a client charged with burglary and wounding with intent.
Ant Donahue.
The lad that assaulted Eddie Dogberry? Yes, that was all over the paper, wasn't it? Must have been, what, six months ago now? Crown Court.
High profile trial.
And you're the barrister charged with getting him off? Portia Montgomery.
Solicitor advocate.
Truth be told, the prospect's a little unnerving.
There's a filesomewhere.
Could it be there? "R versus Donahue"? Oh, well spotted! I advised him to plead guilty.
We could have pushed for a reduced charge.
You'll be lucky.
The judge will want to make an example of him.
Well, that's the reason I'm here.
He claims he's innocent.
Don't they always?The evidence is certainly stacked against him.
He's, er, on a covert surveillance job.
This is a transcript of the interview Ant gave to the police.
He claimed there was a witness at the farm that night.
She must have seen what happened.
And you want us to help you find her? He's refusing to give me any information.
Maybe he's making it up? I think someone in prison might have threatened him.
When does it go to court? Monday.
Monday? That gives us three days! The preliminaries might buy us some time, but without that witness to vouch for him, Ant Donahue doesn't have a prayer.
I've already admitted I was there at the farm.
I swear I never lamped him.
Why don't you tell me who did then? I'm not a grass.
You're looking at ten years.
Ten years? For a crime you didn't commit.
I hear you've got a daughter.
What's her name? Molly.
She lives with her mum, my girlfriend, Stacey.
Do you really want to miss her growing up? I need you to pass her a message.
I don't want to see her in court next week.
It'd only upset her.
Right now, it's you I'm concerned about.
Give the police a name.
Give yourself a fighting chance! I can't! They'd kill me.
If I can track down the witness, you wouldn't have to testify.
They'd be none the wiser.
You'd keep it between us? Give me something to work with.
She was up in the hayloft.
Must have been sleeping up there.
Looked like a bag lady.
Big coat Wasn't a mangy old fur coat, was it? BELL RINGS # It was a lover and his lass # With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino # That o'er the green cornfield did pass # Between the acres of the rye # With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino # Those pretty country folk would lie In springtime, the only pretty ring time Wow, you've got to be kidding.
That's # When birds do sing, hey ding a ding, ding Sweet lovers love the spring.
APPLAUSE Any small consideration.
Always appreciated.
Cynthia.
Bugger.
I just want to talk.
Cynthia! Well, don't just stand there.
What?Go on.
Oh.
Come on! Just wait.
Honestly, it's not worth running.
Whoa.
THEY PAN We just need .
.
a friendly little chat, is all.
If we could have a little word.
Really? THEY BOTH SCREAM There's been a crack down on illegal busking.
Knew you were plain clothes.
I've not been a copper for years now, actually.
I'm a private investigator.
We haven't been around much lately.
WHISPERS:She stinks.
I hear they'd sorted you a room in a hostel.
Swindon way? Place didn't suit us.
Too many rules.
Silly things like laying off the grog? I see such fearful things.
Fanciful creatures that haunt me.
OK, so, we would like to ask you a few questions about a case that we're working on at the moment.
You were dossing over at Touchstone Farm the night Eddie Dogberry was assaulted? Sent you to find us, did they? Who?The night terrors! Hands and faces all badged with blood.
The lad that was arrested, Anthony Donahue .
.
he's in court on Monday.
Never seen him before.
He claims he's innocent.
Innocent! Villainous miscreants, the lot of 'em.
SHE INHALES SHARPLY Call of nature.
She's as mad as a box of frogs.
Knows more than she's letting on, though.
Yeah, and she's really smelly.
Got a mouthful of itSorry.
SHE SIGHS You don't think she's done another runner, do you? Nah, not before she's finished her wine I've got better things to do today than round up Cynthia Sly.
Anthony Donahue goes to trial on Monday.
What if she can vouch for his innocence?He's had every opportunity to clear his name.
Maybe somebody leaned on him.
His prints were all over the crowbar.
Look, I know you need someone to go down for this.
It's easy to make Donahue a scapegoat.
You know me better than that, Frank.
You are a good lad.
What's he doing here? Rupert Shylock? Mm.
He's probably briefing one of his clients.
You know he's leading the case for the prosecution? Oh.
Thanks for the heads up.
I'll get onto uniform and, if Cynthia shows up, I'll call you.
Ah! Frank Hathaway.
Can't keep away from the place.
I was just updating DI Marlowe on the Donahue case.
I heard you paid a visit to Avonside nick? Defence team must be desperate.
What if I told you I'd tracked down a witness? I'd say you were bluffing.
Try me.
I'm going to make sure that reprobate is safely locked up.
See you in court.
Bye.
Oh, look, you've got a flat tyre there Flat tyre.
OK.
FRANK LAUGHS You'll have to excuse the mess.
We don't get many visitors.
Sorry Ever since Ant was arrested, people cross the street to avoid us.
Erm, do you want to.
.
? He must have talked about what happened that night.
Ant wouldn't hurt anyone.
He hasn't got it in him.
Didn't have any qualms about asking you to lie for him.
That alibi you gave him about the burglary I was just trying to protect him, that's all.
He's always been easily led.
What about these mates of his? The ones that were stealing the quad bike? I don't know who they were.
Ant doesn't really have many friends.
It's always just been the two of us and then this one came along.
He asked us to give you a message.
Said he doesn't want you to go to the court room.
I couldn't go even if I wanted to.
I've been summoned as a witness for the prosecution.
It must have been really hard for you, these last few months.
Ant lost his job when they turned down his bail.
What job's that? He was a driver at Regan's Poultry.
That's where we met.
Dennis Regan doesn't pay much, but at least there was something coming in.
Well, listen, we might have found a witness who can clear Ant's name.
She was there that night at the farm, sleeping rough.
Yeah, if we can get her to testify, then it might prove he's innocent.
Hear that, Molly? Daddy might be coming home! Yeah.
SHE CHUCKLES We have searched every soup kitchen, park bench and shop doorway in Stratford.
While you've been sitting there with your feet up.
Another quad bike's been stolen.
Farm near Blaydon.
That makes nine burglaries in the past six months.
Trailers, tractors, 4x4s OK, so, in case you'd forgotten, we were hired to track down a missing witness.
No-one said anything to us about solving burglaries.
And bearing in mind it's a No See No Fee.
What do they all have in common? They are all places that I would not want to live? They're all poultry farms.
Right, so, how are we going to play this, then? Straight up.
Ruffle a few feathers.
Oh.
Something I can help you with? Yeah, we just wanted a quick chat about Ant Donahue.
We know he used to work here.
Yeah, he used to do pick-ups and deliveries.
What, you from the newspapers, are you?No.
We're private detectives working for Ant's defence team.
Right, well, I shouldn't really be talking to you, then.
Were you mates, were you? Nah, I wouldn't say we were mates.
We'd grab the odd pint after work with the lads, but that was about it.
What's all this, then? Private investigators.
They're here about Ant.
And you must be Dennis Regan.
I can see it there on the van with .
.
the little dimple.
THEY CHUCKLE I'll deal with this, Nate.
You get back to work.
We gave the police a statement the day the lad was arrested.
Nasty business.
How long has he been working here? Ant? Come straight from school.
Must've been about four years.
Pick-ups and deliveries, eh? What about it? Well, it's just every farm he went to got burgled.
THEY LAUGH What exactly are you implying? Well, nothing.
Just a bit of a coincidence, that's all.
This is a legitimate business, mate.
Yeah, so, I'm sure you won't mind us having a little word with some of your employees, then.
You're wasting your time here.
Not to mention mine.
I'll give you three minutes to get off my property.
Right, well, that sounds like a man who's got something to hide.
Like maybe some stolen farm machinery.
Well, let's not count our chickens yet.
Ooh! He-he-he! BELLS TOLL What are you up to? Sh.
HE LAUGHS SHE WHIMPERS Oh, hello.
So, Dennis Regan got done for speeding two years ago.
OK, but that hardly makes him a criminal mastermind.
Guess which lawyer got him off? I doubt it was Portia Montgomery.
Rupert Shylock! The smug git she's up against in court.
What? So, you think he's in on it? He knew I'd been to prison to see Ant.
Someone must have tipped him off and my money's on Dennis Regan.
But I don't get it.
Why would he want to set Ant up? He's making the best of a bad situation.
He knows the lad won't talk.
All the more reason to find our missing witness.
Oh, we don't stand a chance.
She could be anywhere by now.
SHE SNORES Oh.
There we are.
I knew they'd come back for me, the night terrors.
And these night terrors set fire to your shopping trolley? All that's left of my worldly goods.
Lucky that the fur coat survived.
Restorative nip.
Just to steady the ship.
Yeah.
So, do you think you'd be able to describe the people that did this to you to the police? A pair of motley fools.
Motley fools with painted smiles! Clowns.
The lads that burgled Eddie Dogberry wore clown masks.
He said in his statement.
You know what this means, don't you? Whoever threatened Cynthia must know that we're onto them.
This growing image of thy fiend-like face! You see, I told you he's up to his eyes in this.
We need to find her a safe-house.
Somewhere she can stay until she testifies.
Yeah, we can't let her back out on the street.
Perhaps an unassuming village cottage? Somewhere out of harm's way.
No, that's not going to happen.
No! She is smelly.
You all right in there, Cynthia? Can't a lady have some privacy? TOILET FLUSHES Impudent strumpet! That's my dressing gown How dare you go through my things! I was going to wash them for you.
No need.
We shan't be stopping.
The rooms here are far too arriviste for our liking.
I've no idea what that means, but I know it's an insult.
KNOCK ON DOOR Hello?Hello.
I should be rehearsing.
Is that the strange boy? We need to make her look like a credible witness and I think if anyone can do that, it's you.
HE SIGHS I suppose I could draw on my RADA training.
Great.
Just keep her away from the brandy.
She must have kept that photograph safe all these years.
Just think, there's a family out there somewhere.
That's one mystery we don't have to solve.
You're all heart.
Some things are better left alone.
That's all I'm saying.
Lu! Thank you.
Didn't expect to see you here.
Eddie's one of our major suppliers.
We all want to see justice done.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
I hear you've been asking some impertinent questions.
Me? Nah, just routine enquiries.
I'd advise you to back off.
Oh, sounds like a threat to me.
A word with one of my friends at the council and I'll have your business closed down in a heartbeat.
See what I mean? Piece of work.
We thought you might like an update on your missing witness.
We've managed to track her down.
Is she willing to testify? We're working on it.
Yeah.
Why don't you come over to mine this evening and we'll chat about it? I'll give my address to the clerk.
OK.
All parties in the case of Donohue to Court One.
Who's presiding? Judge Marmaduke Brimble.
Victorian values.
Usually better before lunch.
Ah, Ms Montgomery.
All set for battle? Can't wait to get in there.
I'm not sure we've met.
No.
I'm Luella Shakespeare.
I'm just Frank's partner.
Business partner.
Well, Frank needs all the help he can get.
You know you've got a ladder in your tights? Don't let him get to you.
That's easy for you to say.
They're calling Eddie Dogberry this afternoon.
We've got our work cut out.
And he picked out his assailant in a video line-up, so The whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Mr Dogberry, I'd like you to tell the court in your own words exactly what happened on the night of the burglary.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA I were woken just after midnight .
.
on account of some activity in me bottom field.
I headed for the barn which is where I contemplated some auspicious intruders.
They'd hot wired me quad bike.
And you confronted these intruders? One of them was caught in the glare of me head lamps.
I shouted a warning, had him in me sights, then he lamped me.
And is the man who assaulted you in this courtroom today? I'll never forget his face.
No more questions, Your Honour.
Sorry, she needs to read that.
Ms Montgomery.
Mr Dogberry, you said in your statement that the intruders were wearing clown masks.
That's right.
Then you couldn't have seen your assailant's face.
It must have come off in the struggle.
You want to see someone punished for this.
Perfectly understandable, after everything you've been through.
I've not been the same since, I'm telling you! Your sister's moved onto the farm.
She helps out where she can.
Is she in court today? She insisted on it.
She doesn't get out much.
I wonder, perhaps, if you might point her out for us.
She's, um I know she's here.
There she is! There she is! There! There! Third row back! Third on the right.
If Mr Dogberry's sister could please stand up? COURT CLERK:Silence, please.
It was dark in the barn, was it not, Mr Dogberry? You've just shown us that your eyesight is unreliable, at best.
And you were struck over the head from behind.
I'm telling you - he was there! Well, that's never been in doubt.
In fact, Anthony Donahue was a frequent visitor to your farm.
He picked up eggs and chickens on a regular basis.
Isn't that why you recognised his face in a line-up? No further questions, Your Honour.
On the chest of a barmaid from Sale Wa tattooed all the prices of ale And on her behind for the sake of the blind Was the same information in Braille! THEY CACKLE You were supposed to be looking after her! She found a bottle at the back of the cupboard.
Tastes like old feet.
That is a very expensive Mallorcan liqueur! And I was saving it! In the Garden of Eden lay Adam Complacently stroking his All right, Cynthia.
Let's get you sobered up, shall we? Come on.
Unhand me, you rampallian! The front door was open.
Portia? Oh, sweet child! You brought her home! Thou art thy mother's glass And she, in thee, Calls back the lovely April of her prime.
She's your mother? She stopped being my mother a long time ago.
You know she's been sleeping on the streets? And I suggest you put her back where you found her.
KNOCK ON DOOR Do you mind if I come in? Has she gone? Yeah.
Yeah, she's gone.
Probably for the best.
Look, I don't know what went on between the two of you but maybe if you just tried talking to her I couldn't blame her for hating me.
Grief fills the room up .
.
of my absent child.
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me.
I'm quite lost without her, you see? Dennis Regan has just made a formal complaint.
Claims that you've been slandering him.
That's because he knows we're onto him! I checked out his movements the night Cynthia Sly was threatened.
He was a guest at a Police Federation dinner.
Well, clearly he's got someone doing his dirty work for him.
Regular Fagin.
Unless you've got some evidence that ties him to those burglaries We both know these thefts are organised crime! Check out his Albanian contacts.
All those turkeys he exports to Tirana.
Well, he is a poultry supplier! With his fingers in too many pies - chicken pies! I'm warning you, Frank.
Just back off.
I understand you're the defendant's girlfriend? We've been together a couple of years now.
But you weren't together on the night of the burglary? Even though you provided him with an alibi? Is that because he told you he'd assaulted Eddie Dogberry? No! No, he didn't tell me anything.
This is a letter Ant Donahue wrote to you from prison.
I'd like you to read the section that's been highlighted.
It's private.
I'm afraid we shall have to insist, Miss Lamb.
Nice and clearly, please.
"Truth be told, Stace, I did a terrible thing that night.
"I'll never be able to forgive myself.
"Unless you can forgive me first.
" I didn't mean She knows I never touched him! Silence, please, Mr Donahue.
That sounds like a man with a guilty conscience.
Miss Lamb? I wanted to believe he was innocent.
But clearly you had your doubts? Ant's got a bit of a temper on him.
I've seen it first hand, a few times.
That's not true! Stace! I won't tell you again.
That's why I covered for him.
I suppose I was frightened.
You knew what he was capable of? I found his hoodie the morning after the burglary .
.
covered in blood, it was.
I put it on a hot wash.
Never said a thing.
Well, maybe he did do it after all? Stacey was covering for him.
A sudden attack of conscience? Nah! Doesn't stack up! I can't believe they made her read that letter out.
Question is how did Rupert Shylock get hold of it? That was the guy from the warehouse, wasn't it? If you don't get off my doorstep, I'm calling the police.
Feel free.
I'm sure they'd be interested in your relationship with Nate Haplin.
He picked you up from court today.
He said Ant would get hurt unless I said those things in court.
Last time I checked, that was perjury.
I didn't have a choice.
You used to work at Regan's Poultry before you got pregnant? Yeah, that's right.
Office admin.
So, first port of call for all the farms in the area.
It's a nice buggy, that.
Must have cost a bit.
Latest model.
Can you afford something like that on child benefits? You knew about all the burglaries right from the start, didn't you? You warned Nate Haplin that we'd tracked down that witness.
You can't prove anything.
You gave him the heads up so he put the frighteners on Cynthia Sly.
Then the two of you hatched a plan.
And you set up your boyfriend to save your own skin.
I was looking out for my daughter! Our future.
Nate's a red head too, isn't he? That lad you've dupe, he's not even the real dad! I'd like you to leave now, please.
Did you get all that? He said Ant would get hurt unless I lied in court.
Every word.
You gave him the heads up so he put the frighteners on Cynthia Sly.
Then the two of you hatched a plan.
You set up your own boyfriend to save your skin.
I was looking out for my daughter! Our future.
See! So that proves that Stacey Lamb lied in court.
And she implicated Nate Haplin in the burglary.
It still doesn't tell us who assaulted Eddie Dogberry.
No.
You'd need to call Cynthia as a witness.
Even if the judge allowed it, I'd only risk compromising the case.
So, what do we do? Let an innocent man go to prison? Last time I heard from her, she was staying in a hostel.
I didn't know she was homeless.
Too proud to tell me, I expect.
Yeah.
She did say it'd been a while since she'd seen you.
She started drinking after my father walked out.
I was 12 years old.
She'd promise to stop, tell me she was sorry, and then she'd open another bottle.
It was easier to blame me after she'd had a few drinks.
I was stupid, ugly, spineless when I didn't fight back.
She was drunk the day I left.
Do you know what the last words she said to me were? "You'll never amount to anything.
" Maybe it's time to prove her wrong.
I'm changing my plea to guilty.
And what brought on that sudden epiphany? The shiner? Dogberry caught us on the rob and I lamped him.
It's simple.
I did it.
You need to tell the jury what really happened.
And who's going to believe me, eh? I'm already guilty in their eyes.
We can get you protection.
And what about Stacey? All those lies she told in court! They must have been threatening her, too.
There's something you need to know about Stacey.
Nate Haplin's got previous for theft.
Spent some time in a Young Offenders'.
He shared with a lad called Connor McNeive.
Owns a scrap yard just outside Moreton Merril.
I trust this is going somewhere, Frank? Every Wednesday, he plays pool with Dennis Regan.
That must be where they're storing the stolen vehicles.
We'll get a warrant.
Check it out.
Thanks.
Yeah Don't mention it! Come on, Cynthia! We're going to be late.
What's this? Another flit? I've decided not to testify.
And you thought you'd just run off with my Stratford Swans, did you? Why should I care what happens to that lad? Your daughter needs you in court today.
For once in your life, you are NOT going to let her down! I'm scared.
Scared they'll all laugh at me.
Why? Why would they do that? I fear I am not in my perfect mind.
No.
Welllet's get you fixed up.
Any sign? She's still not answering her phone.
Oh, wow Hello! She's sober? I'm sober as a judge! SHE CLEARS HER THROA We're ready to reconvene.
Let's get this over and done with.
Are you ready to go in? Your Honour, may I call Cynthia Sly? I'd like to raise an objection, Your Honour.
The prosecution has learned that this witness is related to Ms Montgomery.
She is, in fact, her mother! Is this true? Yes, she's my mother.
I'm requesting an adjournment.
Approach the bench, please.
Both of you.
This is certainly highly irregular.
I could never have foreseen I'd be calling her as a witness.
We've been estranged for several years.
Your Honour, the jury needs to hear this testimony, if justice is to be served today.
In that case .
.
we'd better hear it.
On the night of Eddie Dogberry's assault you were sleeping in his barn.
Is that correct? You are not on trial here, Mrs Sly.
But we do need an honest account of what you saw.
I can't be too sure.
It was months ago.
Look who's just walked in.
Little scrote! Thinks he's untouchable! Perhaps he's getting desperate.
SHYLOCK:There is absolutely no proof this woman was even there! The defence have tracked down a recording from the Ambulance Service.
An anonymous 999 call.
It was made from a phone box, near Touchstone Farm, at 12:30am on the night of the burglary.
How was this recording obtained? A private investigator, Your Honour.
Luella Shakespeare.
A copy of the transcript is included in the witness statement.
OPERATOR:Emergency.
Which service? WOMAN:A gentleman has been assaulted.
Touchstone Farm.
Please send help, immediately.
Can you confirm that it was you who made that phone call? Course it was me! Wasn't going to leave him lying there.
Why didn't the police follow up this phone call? That's a question you'd need to ask them, Your Honour.
So, he says, what did they taste like? So, he says, er, don't know, er, we haven't pulled one yet! Run! Run! Take that off! That's nothing to do with me.
Mrs Sly, you've admitted you were trespassing on Eddie Dogberry's farm the night of the burglary.
I just needed somewhere to kip.
I understand you're currently homeless? Living on the streets.
We are currently between addresses.
And this lack of a fixed abode is down to a long term alcohol addiction Objection, Your Honour! Were you drunk that night on the farm, Mrs Sly? I may have been slightly the worse for wear.
You cannot give a credible account, as you were so drunk, you don't know what was going on! A dishonest and unreliable witness.
I may be unreliable but I have never been dishonest! I know what it's like to be judged.
Written off.
A few mistakes.
A hard luck story.
Too proud to say you're sorry.
Too lost to find your way.
I'm going to ask you again what you saw that night.
Take your time.
I was woken up.
Saw a group of lads in the barn EDDIE:Get off my quad bike! Put your hands where I can see them! GUNSHO What the hell are you doing, eh? Oh, no, what have you done? Let's get out of here.
Let's get out of here! QUAD BIKE REVS Did you see who assaulted Eddie Dogberry? It was .
.
him! CROWD MUTTERS You Honour! Get off me! Get off me! I didn't do anything! JUDGE: Order! HE STRIKES GAVEL Guess that hunch of yours was right.
They usually are.
We found the stolen quad bike at the yard.
Dennis Regan is in police custody.
We're going to round up Stacey Lamb and make a few more arrests.
So, I owe you.
It was team work.
Yeah.
So what happens now? The defence have made a submission to the judge.
"No case to answer.
" Ant'll be out in a week with time served.
And off back home to what? The poor lad.
He does have hair! I've had it dry cleaned.
Oh, bless you, dear child.
I emptied the pockets first.
I've been in touch with a local women's refuge.
They can offer you a place there in a week or so.
Provided that you stay clean.
It wasgood of you to do that but I'd rather take my chances.
Oh.
Where are you going to go? To unpathed waters, undreamed shores.
You made me proud in that courtroom today.
Proud to call you my daughter.
Maybe you could stay with me.
Maybe we could.
I think this calls for a celebration.
Lunch is on me.
Ha-ha! Do you mean that? Never let it be said that I don't push the boat out.
Really? Where are we going to go? Oh, thank you.
# I like my chicken HO # Ts! # I like my chicken HOT, HOT, HO # If b-b-buffalo wings are your favourite things # Get yourself down to the new place in town Where the chicken really sings! You know I've got legs to die for.
Whoo! Brilliant! I didn't know you could do the splits! Want a bit? HE CLUCKS IN DISGUS