Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators (2018) s02e10 Episode Script
Too Cold for Hell
1 RECORDED MESSAGE: This number is not in service.
PHONE BEEPS Well, he was supposed to meet us at the new house but he never turned up.
Melted into air.
"Into thin air.
"Yeah, into air.
"Into thin air," babe.
Yeah.
Right.
Let's start from the beginning, shall we? What name was he using? Fred Froste.
With an E.
We found him on the internet.
He was ever so well spoken.
Oh, yeah, and very reasonable, as well.
I bet he was.
All our wedding presents.
We had a gift registry at John Lewis! Here you are.
Have a tissue.
Did you call the police? Oh, they knew about him - but he keeps changing his name, and they don't have the, erm, what's it, them?Resources.
Yeah.
Nice fish.
What's he doing here? All the leg work while you take all the credit.
Fred Froste AKA Foster, Softer, Forest.
Certainly giving you the runaround.
It's called outsourcing - and if it leads to a conviction then A Mountie always gets his man.
Be a good lad, will ya, make us a copy? You know where the kettle is.
I said copy.
Four thefts, following ads in the local press and online.
"Froste" - "Softer" - "Forest" Oh, they're anagrams.
They're anagrams! Yeah, might make him easier to find.
I love Scrabble.
Good.
We could use a hand.
Shame I'm so terrible at spelling.
Suppose I should probably just stick to answering the phones, really.
Frank! Frank! He's sitting six feet away.
"Florian Fortes.
Gentleman and van.
"Highly competitive rates.
" Do you think that's them? There's only one way to find out.
Florian Fortes.
Here for your quote.
Kate Minola.
Come through.
That glowering hulk, there, is Peter.
My soon-to-be ex-husband.
Yeah, for which I thank God.
Oh, well, you'll have to get in the queue behind me.
You're not in my queue.
You're in the queue with little red men with the forked tails and the little pointy sticks.
He will need all his stuff removing and putting into storage until he finds a suitably lonely and sterile bachelor pad.
You have some lovely things.
Oh, thank you.
He didn't choose any of them.
No, but I paid for them.
'Ere, are you married? Sadly not.
Well, listen, if you do happen to make that mistake, take my advice, don't let them put their name on the deeds of the house YOU bought.
And also, don't buy your secretary thongs from Victoria's Secret and keep the receipts in your pocket! I'll need a list of items for removal.
Yes, OK.
Hey! You're not having the lawn mower.
Yes, I am - you bought me that for my birthday.
Yeah, because I knew you wouldn't want one.
Oh, well, fine.
You keep it.
I'm going to get a gardener.
With a six pack! Lu, we've got a problem.
It's Billy.
Billy The Brick Well, do something! Yeah, the door's open.
It's all packed up, ready in the hallway.
Is everything all right, Mrs Minola? Your voice sounds a bit Yeah, a bit Yeah, a bit, erm A bit like 10 years of my life is just packed into cardboard boxes.
You know, it's just - good riddance, isn't it, to bad rubbish? Shut the door behind you! SMASHING Did you see that, Frank?!Yep.
I've had it with Billy.
If the police catch him, this time he's on his own.
Ooh! Christina.
Your phantom removal man - I've got a location and an ID.
You all right?Yes.
Right, let's see if it's in here.
Ah, it's that one.
What?! BOX CRASHES Hi, Frank.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know it's early, but that's why it's called a dawn raid.
Listen.
Listen! We've found a body.
I need you to do an ID.
White male in his 30s.
5 foot 8.
Shot through the heart.
Looks professional.
He fell on his face so we can't tell whether it's him or the accomplice.
It's Florian.
Then the money's on the gopher.
Goes by the name of Ned Poins.
Unsurprisingly he's done a runner.
Ma'am.
Excuse me.
Are you not going to tell them about Billy? No, because he'll be arrested for murder, won't he? Again! Hey Love's young dream will be happy, at any rate.
Frank.
That one's been opened.
Do you think someone's taken something out of it? Only one way to find out.
Nan! Wait, she's not here! Anthony! Nan's gone.
They've taken Nan! She was in a statue.
No, an everlasting love angel cremation urn.
What will I say to Cuddles? That's her uncle.
He gave her to me to because I was her favourite granddaughter.
Well, the only granddaughter.
Her only granddaughter .
.
and now I've lost her! Well, never mind, at least you've got the rest of your stuff back! Excuse me! This is a crime scene.
There's been a theft! And this is Detective Sergeant Keeler, who will assist you.
Well, as you're both here, can I get a description, please, of Froste's accomplice? Oh, erm, he was wearing an Aston Villa baseball cap.
Red.
More of a wine.
Yeah, reddy wine.
Good luck! Camomile tea.
It's good for shock.
DOOR BANGS Don't worry.
It's only them.
Billy.
I'd say this was a nice surprise, but I'd be lying on both counts.
People are after me, Frank.
I think they're going to kill me.
Would that be the same people that shot your boss? We've just been to his lock up.
From the beginning.
No, actually, scrap that.
From after you stole all of Peter Minola's worldly goods.
We were there late doing a stock take when trouble arrives.
HE MEOWS WHISTLING Can I help you? You've stolen something of mine.
Something that's very close to me.
Just take it, I don't want any trouble.
The trouble is, it's not here.
It might help if I knew what "it" is.
Oh, you know.
Here's what's going to happen.
I'm going to count to three, and if you don't tell me where it is, I'm going to have Mercy here shoot you.
OneNo, stop! I-I don't know what "it" is.
.
.
two Please, no, I swear, I don't.
.
.
three.
GUNSHO Ah Perhaps he didn't know.
Brrrr.
More camomile tea? It's not really working.
Have you got any brandy? Billy.
Get on with it.
I waited till they'd gone, then legged it home - but they'd got there first and trashed the place.
They know where I live, Frank.
Do you think our man is Bianca's Uncle Cuddles? It might be.
She did seem a bit scared of him.
Maybe you should ask her? Oh, yeah, got any hobbies? Fishing? Golf? Murdering people in cold blood? A bit more discreet than that.
Tell me about the angel, Billy.
You know, the one in the Percy's packing case.
Bianca's nan was in it, Billy.
OK! I was taping up the boxes, and I saw this statue of an angel.
Right up me foster Mum's street.
Well, it's her birthday next week, and I looked it up on the internet to see if it was worth anything and realised it was an urn with ashes in and I couldn't give my foster mum a dead person.
You didn't throw Nan away, Billy? What do you take me for? I do have some standards.
So I left her on a grave in the cemetery.
Well, I suggest you retrieve her and give her back to Bianca Percy before the more murderous side of the family catches up with you.
What's the problem? You must be joking.
There are thousands of graves here.
19,000 to be precise.
It was dark by the time I got here - and I stopped off first at the Boar's Head for a jaror two.
You must have some idea.
I remember the name on the grave.
Silas Yorick.
It's Shakespeare for dead person.
I thought we could spread out.
19,000 divided by 3 equals no way, Billy.
Do you have a better idea? "Grave and plot locations can be accessed online "via the cemetery website.
I reckon she's a keeper, despite what you said.
What did you say? That he needed a gobby Barbie for a partner like a hole in the head.
No, I didn't.
Well, maybe once - but not now, that was before.
Lu! Lu Ah, what did you?! Come on.
Let's go.
Hello, hello, hello! I'm Jamie from the BBC.
We spoke on the phone.
Ant! The guy from the BBC's here! Yep.
In we go! THEY LAUGH Ah.
As I explained, we are currently looking for contestants for our literally ground-breaking new series Drum roll, please.
Thank you very much - it is Family Tree! Involving teams of family members answering general knowledge questions in a tree house 250 feet above ground.
Now, ideal candidates will have large families who don't suffer from vertigo.
Although for health and safety they will be harnessed at all times.
We've always wanted to be on the BBC.
We're like a proper Gogglebox couple.
That's Channel 4.
Is someone famous asking the questions? Well, strictly speaking, I'm not allowed to say, but - and you did not hear this from me - we are a whisker away from a "yay" from Jimmy Carr .
.
and our other front runner is Sir Lenny Henry.
We love Sir Lenny! My mum does, too! Ha, ha! Giddy fortune! Let me go grab the tea.
So, shall we get started? Tell me about your family.
Any interesting characters? Silly nicknames? That sort of thing? The mis-monikered "Cuddles" is Bianca's Uncle.
Claude Mortimer.
Currently resident in Marbella.
Bianca Percy is a Mortimer - that's all we need.
A family of career criminals that make the Peaky Blinders look like the Teletubbies.
And the moral of this story is, Billy? Don't nick a mob boss's dead mother! Oh, here we go! Silas Yorick.
1823 - 1891.
Plot CHV 17409.
Not now.
When the cemetery closes.
What'll we do till then? Well, it may surprise you to know that we have other clients.
Ones that pay us.
Just sit down and shut up! Can I play on your iPad?No.
LOUDLY:Good afternoon Detective Sergeant Keeler.
What an unexpected surprise.
Do you have an appointment? I'll let myself in.
Oh, hello, Sergeant.
How can we help you? You need some surveillance on the wife or something? Billy Porters.
What about him? I've got a grass says he's Fortes' accomplice? Ah, well, that isn't that typical? It's typical.
We've not laid eyes on him.
So you don't know where he is? Well, you could try his parole officer.
I mean, I don't keep tabs on him, so.
Funny that, because you visited him in prison on four occasions last time he was inside.
Yes.
I did - and that's because his foster mother asked me to.
Yeah, she had a hip replacement and she couldn't get in to see him.
Aren't you a Middlesbrough supporter? That's mine.
Gosh, yeah.
Love the Villas.
I don't miss a match.
What was the score last Saturday, then? Two-love.
Nil.
Two-nil.
To Yeah, oh, yeah, we smashed them good and proper.
She talks about football all the time.
I do! Can't shut her up, can ya? On me head! But anyway, we've got work to do.
So if you don't mind? I'm watching you, Hathaway.
Hathaway knows more than he's letting on.
So what's new? So he could be harbouring a murder suspect.
Porter didn't shoot anyone.
He hasn't got the bottle.
Yeah, but he may well have seen it - and don't forget, he's wanted for theft.
Oh, Billy Porter is always wanted for theft.
You've got a blind spot - and it's more than him just being your guvnor.
It's almost like It's almost like he's got something on you.
I'm gonna let that go because it's been a rough day.
Go home to your wife, Joe.
DS Keeler, assistance required at Arden Cemetery, please.
My foster mum says the spirits of the dead conceal themselves in fog so the living can't see them - and a hooting owl means that somebody's gonna die.
Yeah, don't give me any ideas.
You'd better hope it's still there.
Course it will.
Who'd steal somebody's ashes? According to this, our Yorick is somewhere round here.
There.
Lucky for you it's still here.
Now come on, let's get out of here before someone finds us.
Stooped to grave robbing, eh, Hathaway? Or are you boys just out here for a bit of al fresco fun? That's it, isn't it, Frank? We're just two blokes who like doing it in cemeteries.
Get off me! I am retrieving some property for a client of mine.
You can explain it all to me when we go to the station.
Don't do anything stupid.
I see the "pickers and stealers" are out today.
We don't want any trouble.
Let's nobody do anything stupid, right? I'm a Let's not do anything stupid.
I thought it was a statue.
It was for my foster Mum's birthday, as soon as I found out it was ashes I put it here, dead respectful, like.
You dishonour my family.
Look, as you can see, he's not the brightest tool in the box but he's really sorry, aren't you, Billy? My sincere condolences for your loss.
RADIO:Control to DS Keeler.
Patrols near your location now.
PHONE RINGS DI Marlowe.
What do you mean, he's disappeared? Arden Cemetery? Yeah, OK, I can make an educated guess.
All right, leave it with me.
Lu? You don't by any chance have Frank in custody, do you? No .
.
but I'd love to know why you're asking.
He went to the cemetery with Billy Porter, and I think something might have happened.
Funny that.
I'm starting to get worried.
OK, don't go anywhere.
I'm coming over.
You're not the only one with a missing partner.
I don't suppose you could tell us where we are? LOCKS CLICK Take that as a no, then.
Well, now what? We call for help.
HELP! Billy, Billy, Billy, I've got another phone.
A burner, I keep it for emergencies.
Oh, right.
Nice one.
So, a known gangster killed Florian Fortes over his mother's ashes .
.
and it didn't occur to you to call it in? Yeah, well, obviously we were going to tell you once they were safely returned, but PHONE RINGS Hello, Luella Sha Lu, yeah, listen.
Claude Mortimer shanghaied us in the cemetery.
We're in a transit van.
The registration number is HV18 APY.
Is Joe with you? Christina.
I'm glad you're on the case.
Yeah, Joe's here, for my sins.
Well, where are you? We're about half an hour from the cemetery.
Engine noise! Can I track the phone? No, it's a burner.
Can you do cell site analysis? Yeah, on it.
Listen, don't hang about.
I don't think he'll let us off with a warning.
I've got to go.
FOOTSTEPS Is that the best you can do? Yeah, I know.
OK.
Thanks, Rob.
OK, the call was picked up by this mast.
The bad news is has an eight-mile radius.
Most of it is industrial estate and it's just too wide to send in a search.
What about the audio? Yeah, it's been outsourced to a private company who are now closed for the night.
What? What are you doing? Perchance a task for our long legged spinner? Good thinking.
Technical support.
I'm sure they're doing the best they can.
Well, we're not, are we? I can't - I can't just sit here doing nothing.
Look, we've got a description of the car, we need to get out, start looking.
Great.
I'll drive.
I'll drive.
No, I'll drive.
I'll drive.
No, I'll drive.
Why? Because I've got a blue flashing light and a siren.
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers! For he today that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother, be he ne'er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition! Can't you make him stop? It's surprisingly hard.
You'll never get away with this.
A little water will clear us of this deed.
Bound for Hong Kong via the Pacific.
Do you have any idea how many of these containers fall off the edge of ships every year? Tens of thousands of these just laying on the sea floor.
Listen, don't do anything you'll regret.
I never regret anything.
He's got a phone.
No, I haven't! He does - and backup's on the way.
So if you've got any sense, you'll let us go now while you have a chance.
If you don't believe him, have a look in his pocket.
Just one thing.
Where exactly is backup on its way to? Some industrial estate 30 minutes drive from the cemetery.
And we ID'd you.
Claude Mortimer.
Well, that's where you're mistaken, as Claude Mortimer hasn't left the Spanish borders in 6 months as immigration records will confirm.
Don't worry.
It'll be painless.
Just like falling into a coma.
To die, to sleep.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
"He's got a phone.
"In his pocket!" Listen.
His kit's all washed and ironed, it's in the airing cupboard.
Thanks, Mum.
Love you.
Just, erm, just tell him I'm sorry.
My son's judo display.
Oh! What's his name? Jake.
He's five.
Can five-year-olds be good at judo? Who knows? And it looks like now I'll never find out.
His dad's not around then? No, not really.
He's not what you'd call father material.
He's a difficult man.
Thank goodness for mothers, eh? You have met mine? PHONE RINGS Emma, hi.
Ah, didn't he tell you? He's on an ob, so his phone's off.
Listen, when I see him I'll tell him his dinner's in the dog.
You take care now.
Joe's wife.
She's pregnant with their first.
They had a scare a few weeks ago.
It was touch and go for a while, so Why did Frank leave the force? Early retirement.
From the job he loved.
Right, yeah, that figures.
Why don't you ask him yourself? Well, because he's like you, he will never give me a straight answer.
Which makes me think, well, it must have been something really wrong - and then I think, well, that's not the Frank Hathaway that I know.
Or at least I think I know.
I mean, what else don't I know about him? Wives buried under the patio.
Offshore accounts in the Caymans? Secret offspring? Jake?! Ha! Me and? Oh, yeah.
No, silly, it was just a It was just an idea.
Then what, is it? What is it that Frank has done that's so bad he can't even tell me, his partner? Teddie Shrewsbury.
MAN CALLS SHEEPDOG They'll have triangulated the call by now.
It's too wide for a search.
Frank will have a plan.
I haven't got a plan, Billy.
He always has a plan.
I haven't got a plan.
He always has a plan.
There is no plan, Billy! That was the plan.
Call for help.
I'm all planned out! How long till we freeze to death? 45 minutes.
Give or take five minutes.
I watched this documentary.
Trapped In A Freezer.
About people who got trapped in a freezer.
OKand how did they get out? They didn't.
Mostly froze to death.
Except this butcher who battered off the lock using a frozen black pudding.
Give me a break.
Give him a break.
That wouldn't be half a good idea, that.
Right, time to get these cuffs off.
I told you he'd have a plan.
Come on.
Teddie was six when he was abducted and found murdered.
I had to inform his parents.
The one consolation was we got the scum who did it.
Richard Hurd.
He was a known offender but he hadn't killed before Teddie.
Left his DNA all over the place - it was an open and shut case.
And the "but"? The lab testing the DNA were being investigated for mishandling of samples.
It was an isolated incident, but it rendered Hurd's DNA inadmissible in court.
So the SIO ordered a search of Hurd's house.
He told us to tear the place apart in case we'd missed anything.
RADIO: This is Aragog.
Can you confirm your identities? Luella May Shakespeare.
You've hacked into my radio? Affirmative.
Regarding the big man and his spot of trouble.
Nitty gritty.
I isolated the audio.
It isn't machinery noise, it's a light aircraft.
Probably a Cessna Jet Hawk 500.
On a northwards bound landing path to a landing destination approximately5km.
How can he possibly know that? I asked a rocket scientist.
It's all the same theory, apparently.
Is there a private airfield in the vicinity? Roger that.
I'm putting a pin in your Sat Nav.
It's police issue - you won't be able to do that The audio records the landing gears descending.
Given the location of the runway, the plane passed over the co-ordinates here within 400 metres.
That's only a couple of miles away.
May the force be with you.
It's just a friend, knows a lot about computers This is DI Marlowe requesting backup to the following location.
Even if you do get them off, then what? At least I'll be able to take a proper swipe at you.
We're going to die in here.
Not if Lu finds us.
The ex-hairdresser? Yeah, the ex-hairdresser who's a better detective than you'll ever be.
Yeah, she only looks like a bimbo.
Eh! Sorry.
And Christina.
You got no faith in the boss? Do you blame me, considering her lack of judgment when it comes to you? Go on, grant me a dying wish.
What's the story with you two? Ha, ha.
Dirty dog!Shut up Billy.
A bent Copper drummed out of the force and still she won't have a bad word said against you.
Lets you run wild! Come on! Satisfy my curiosity.
You really want to know?Yes! Good looks and magnetic charm.
Women find me irresistible.
Yah! Huh?! Your turn! So you searched this Richard Hurd's house a second time.
Yeah.
Yeah, and we got a result.
One of those toy spinners that kids collect.
It had fallen into a crack in the floorboards, so that's why we had missed it the first time.
DNA proved that it belonged to Teddie.
Sometimes to do a great right, you have to do a little wrong.
What, Frank? YOU planted it.
Did he know? He said, "Don't be stupid ".
.
and if you have to be stupid, don't get caught.
" Well, yeah, that sounds like Frank.
Yeah.
Only I WAS stupid, and I did get caught.
Then before I even had a chance to confess, Frank went behind my back to the SIO and he owned up.
Why? He blamed himself for not stopping me .
.
and he said if I hadn't done it then he would have.
The irony of it is neither of us needed to do anything because Hurd was murdered in prison while on remand.
Well, that's something, isn't it? And because they hadn't forwarded the evidence to the CPS, they kept it all internal.
They offered Frank early retirement on health grounds .
.
and I got his job.
Frank sacrificed his career for yours? He said I had a lot more to lose.
Single mum, unemployed with her career in tatters.
They were never going to allow Frank to make it above DI.
They told him he had a "Blatant disregard for authority.
" And we both knew, I could toe the line, I could make it.
Of course if you ever repeat this we'll both deny it.
I would have done what you did.
BANGING Do you actually think you're going to break out of here using frozen fish? It's one more idea than you've had.
Oh! It's pointless.
It's not budging.
I'm sorry, Frank.
I guess this is partly my fault.
Partly?! It's all your fault.
What ever happened to "I'm never going inside again?" I thought you had a job lined up.
Warehouse packer.
What's wrong with that? I didn't mind it.
Quite restful, actually.
Just the hours and the money.
End of the month they'd nicked half of it back in payee.
I'm like, "You're supposed to be paying me.
"Not the other way round.
" P-A-Y-E.
Taxes, Billy.
It's a tried and tested method of raising money for government spending.
The government don't need it.
They're loaded with money.
Oh! I don't know what's worse.
The prospect of death.
Or the prospect of death with the words of a moron ringing in my ears.
Did you have a good childhood, did ya? Go to a nice school, live out in the suburbs .
.
go to the rugby club on a weekend? Yeah.
What of it? You've got no idea, have ya? Born without a chance.
He was mewling and puking in a nurse's arms because of heroin addiction from his junkie mother.
Sorry.
Billy.
It's all right.
It's not like I remember her.
You'd have behavioural difficulties.
Slip through cracks in the care system.
If he hadn't gone to his foster mother, I don't think he'd have made adulthood.
Home schooled me.
Said it would keep me out of trouble.
It did, too, till I was too old for school.
You got kids? No.
Small mercies, eh? At least you'll die without replicating yourself - something for which the planet will be eternally grateful.
I've always thought of you as a bit of a father figure, Frank.
Well, that's done a lot of good for you, hasn't it? Eh, Hathaway? We'll have to split up.
Marlowe.
Yeah.
Frank's been here.
There's thousands of them, they could be anywhere.
It's a good sign we're still shivering.
Means we're still in stage one hypothermia.
It's when you stop you should worry.
Lethargy, confusion paradoxical undressing.
What?!Don't ask.
Your body gets so cold it thinks it's overheating.
Starting with the meat and two veg, so the kecks are the first thing to go.
Most likely they'll find us naked from the waist down.
Urgh! Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse.
DOOR OPENS Well, it seems I underestimated you.
Stay there! Where are they? GUNSHO Habitually, I am a model of patience, but I am now finding myself extremely vexed.
What happened to Nan? Where are they?How many relatives have you got in there? What is he talking about? I have no idea! Here's what's going to happen.
Either you tell me where they are or Mercy here will shoot one of you.
Has she even done her GCSEs? Look, look, slow down.
Why don't you tell us what you're talking about? I'll leave it up to you to choose.
One, two No! What do you reckon, Frank? Billy Two Bricks! Ah, you made it! I'd cuff 'em, if I was you.
And him while you're at it.
You're joking, aren't you? I saved your life.
We wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for you - and he's a thief!You're all heart.
She moved! Ah!Cuff her! She's out cold.
Yeah, sorry about that, I thought I saw a little Devious, little OK, enough.
Backup's on their way.
He won't get far on foot.
SIRENS APPROACHING Billy swiped my keys.
That's not the worst thing that could have happened.
You know, all things considered.
Er, I need to call Emma.
Can I borrow your phone?Yeah, erm, I told her you were on an ob.
Thank you.
Congratulations, by the way.
He's expecting his first.
Whatwhat I said back there, I didn't mean it.
Yeah, you did.
What was that for? Nothing.
It's just ashes.
Looks like Nan wasn't that precious after all.
What was worth killing for? Lookee here.
Did you realise that your nan had a false bottom? Oh, yeah.
She was awfully heavy, even for a dead person, so Anthony had a look and in the bottom, it was weighted with pebbles.
Pebbles?Yeah, you know, like the ones you get in a pet shop.
Only it was heavy enough, so we got rid of them.
No, Anthony, we recycled them.
Gave them to Julius.
And where would we find this Julius? Uncut diamonds worth �3 million.
Uncle Claude's runaway fund.
Hidden and untraceable.
Uh-uh! Any news on Billy yet?
PHONE BEEPS Well, he was supposed to meet us at the new house but he never turned up.
Melted into air.
"Into thin air.
"Yeah, into air.
"Into thin air," babe.
Yeah.
Right.
Let's start from the beginning, shall we? What name was he using? Fred Froste.
With an E.
We found him on the internet.
He was ever so well spoken.
Oh, yeah, and very reasonable, as well.
I bet he was.
All our wedding presents.
We had a gift registry at John Lewis! Here you are.
Have a tissue.
Did you call the police? Oh, they knew about him - but he keeps changing his name, and they don't have the, erm, what's it, them?Resources.
Yeah.
Nice fish.
What's he doing here? All the leg work while you take all the credit.
Fred Froste AKA Foster, Softer, Forest.
Certainly giving you the runaround.
It's called outsourcing - and if it leads to a conviction then A Mountie always gets his man.
Be a good lad, will ya, make us a copy? You know where the kettle is.
I said copy.
Four thefts, following ads in the local press and online.
"Froste" - "Softer" - "Forest" Oh, they're anagrams.
They're anagrams! Yeah, might make him easier to find.
I love Scrabble.
Good.
We could use a hand.
Shame I'm so terrible at spelling.
Suppose I should probably just stick to answering the phones, really.
Frank! Frank! He's sitting six feet away.
"Florian Fortes.
Gentleman and van.
"Highly competitive rates.
" Do you think that's them? There's only one way to find out.
Florian Fortes.
Here for your quote.
Kate Minola.
Come through.
That glowering hulk, there, is Peter.
My soon-to-be ex-husband.
Yeah, for which I thank God.
Oh, well, you'll have to get in the queue behind me.
You're not in my queue.
You're in the queue with little red men with the forked tails and the little pointy sticks.
He will need all his stuff removing and putting into storage until he finds a suitably lonely and sterile bachelor pad.
You have some lovely things.
Oh, thank you.
He didn't choose any of them.
No, but I paid for them.
'Ere, are you married? Sadly not.
Well, listen, if you do happen to make that mistake, take my advice, don't let them put their name on the deeds of the house YOU bought.
And also, don't buy your secretary thongs from Victoria's Secret and keep the receipts in your pocket! I'll need a list of items for removal.
Yes, OK.
Hey! You're not having the lawn mower.
Yes, I am - you bought me that for my birthday.
Yeah, because I knew you wouldn't want one.
Oh, well, fine.
You keep it.
I'm going to get a gardener.
With a six pack! Lu, we've got a problem.
It's Billy.
Billy The Brick Well, do something! Yeah, the door's open.
It's all packed up, ready in the hallway.
Is everything all right, Mrs Minola? Your voice sounds a bit Yeah, a bit Yeah, a bit, erm A bit like 10 years of my life is just packed into cardboard boxes.
You know, it's just - good riddance, isn't it, to bad rubbish? Shut the door behind you! SMASHING Did you see that, Frank?!Yep.
I've had it with Billy.
If the police catch him, this time he's on his own.
Ooh! Christina.
Your phantom removal man - I've got a location and an ID.
You all right?Yes.
Right, let's see if it's in here.
Ah, it's that one.
What?! BOX CRASHES Hi, Frank.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know it's early, but that's why it's called a dawn raid.
Listen.
Listen! We've found a body.
I need you to do an ID.
White male in his 30s.
5 foot 8.
Shot through the heart.
Looks professional.
He fell on his face so we can't tell whether it's him or the accomplice.
It's Florian.
Then the money's on the gopher.
Goes by the name of Ned Poins.
Unsurprisingly he's done a runner.
Ma'am.
Excuse me.
Are you not going to tell them about Billy? No, because he'll be arrested for murder, won't he? Again! Hey Love's young dream will be happy, at any rate.
Frank.
That one's been opened.
Do you think someone's taken something out of it? Only one way to find out.
Nan! Wait, she's not here! Anthony! Nan's gone.
They've taken Nan! She was in a statue.
No, an everlasting love angel cremation urn.
What will I say to Cuddles? That's her uncle.
He gave her to me to because I was her favourite granddaughter.
Well, the only granddaughter.
Her only granddaughter .
.
and now I've lost her! Well, never mind, at least you've got the rest of your stuff back! Excuse me! This is a crime scene.
There's been a theft! And this is Detective Sergeant Keeler, who will assist you.
Well, as you're both here, can I get a description, please, of Froste's accomplice? Oh, erm, he was wearing an Aston Villa baseball cap.
Red.
More of a wine.
Yeah, reddy wine.
Good luck! Camomile tea.
It's good for shock.
DOOR BANGS Don't worry.
It's only them.
Billy.
I'd say this was a nice surprise, but I'd be lying on both counts.
People are after me, Frank.
I think they're going to kill me.
Would that be the same people that shot your boss? We've just been to his lock up.
From the beginning.
No, actually, scrap that.
From after you stole all of Peter Minola's worldly goods.
We were there late doing a stock take when trouble arrives.
HE MEOWS WHISTLING Can I help you? You've stolen something of mine.
Something that's very close to me.
Just take it, I don't want any trouble.
The trouble is, it's not here.
It might help if I knew what "it" is.
Oh, you know.
Here's what's going to happen.
I'm going to count to three, and if you don't tell me where it is, I'm going to have Mercy here shoot you.
OneNo, stop! I-I don't know what "it" is.
.
.
two Please, no, I swear, I don't.
.
.
three.
GUNSHO Ah Perhaps he didn't know.
Brrrr.
More camomile tea? It's not really working.
Have you got any brandy? Billy.
Get on with it.
I waited till they'd gone, then legged it home - but they'd got there first and trashed the place.
They know where I live, Frank.
Do you think our man is Bianca's Uncle Cuddles? It might be.
She did seem a bit scared of him.
Maybe you should ask her? Oh, yeah, got any hobbies? Fishing? Golf? Murdering people in cold blood? A bit more discreet than that.
Tell me about the angel, Billy.
You know, the one in the Percy's packing case.
Bianca's nan was in it, Billy.
OK! I was taping up the boxes, and I saw this statue of an angel.
Right up me foster Mum's street.
Well, it's her birthday next week, and I looked it up on the internet to see if it was worth anything and realised it was an urn with ashes in and I couldn't give my foster mum a dead person.
You didn't throw Nan away, Billy? What do you take me for? I do have some standards.
So I left her on a grave in the cemetery.
Well, I suggest you retrieve her and give her back to Bianca Percy before the more murderous side of the family catches up with you.
What's the problem? You must be joking.
There are thousands of graves here.
19,000 to be precise.
It was dark by the time I got here - and I stopped off first at the Boar's Head for a jaror two.
You must have some idea.
I remember the name on the grave.
Silas Yorick.
It's Shakespeare for dead person.
I thought we could spread out.
19,000 divided by 3 equals no way, Billy.
Do you have a better idea? "Grave and plot locations can be accessed online "via the cemetery website.
I reckon she's a keeper, despite what you said.
What did you say? That he needed a gobby Barbie for a partner like a hole in the head.
No, I didn't.
Well, maybe once - but not now, that was before.
Lu! Lu Ah, what did you?! Come on.
Let's go.
Hello, hello, hello! I'm Jamie from the BBC.
We spoke on the phone.
Ant! The guy from the BBC's here! Yep.
In we go! THEY LAUGH Ah.
As I explained, we are currently looking for contestants for our literally ground-breaking new series Drum roll, please.
Thank you very much - it is Family Tree! Involving teams of family members answering general knowledge questions in a tree house 250 feet above ground.
Now, ideal candidates will have large families who don't suffer from vertigo.
Although for health and safety they will be harnessed at all times.
We've always wanted to be on the BBC.
We're like a proper Gogglebox couple.
That's Channel 4.
Is someone famous asking the questions? Well, strictly speaking, I'm not allowed to say, but - and you did not hear this from me - we are a whisker away from a "yay" from Jimmy Carr .
.
and our other front runner is Sir Lenny Henry.
We love Sir Lenny! My mum does, too! Ha, ha! Giddy fortune! Let me go grab the tea.
So, shall we get started? Tell me about your family.
Any interesting characters? Silly nicknames? That sort of thing? The mis-monikered "Cuddles" is Bianca's Uncle.
Claude Mortimer.
Currently resident in Marbella.
Bianca Percy is a Mortimer - that's all we need.
A family of career criminals that make the Peaky Blinders look like the Teletubbies.
And the moral of this story is, Billy? Don't nick a mob boss's dead mother! Oh, here we go! Silas Yorick.
1823 - 1891.
Plot CHV 17409.
Not now.
When the cemetery closes.
What'll we do till then? Well, it may surprise you to know that we have other clients.
Ones that pay us.
Just sit down and shut up! Can I play on your iPad?No.
LOUDLY:Good afternoon Detective Sergeant Keeler.
What an unexpected surprise.
Do you have an appointment? I'll let myself in.
Oh, hello, Sergeant.
How can we help you? You need some surveillance on the wife or something? Billy Porters.
What about him? I've got a grass says he's Fortes' accomplice? Ah, well, that isn't that typical? It's typical.
We've not laid eyes on him.
So you don't know where he is? Well, you could try his parole officer.
I mean, I don't keep tabs on him, so.
Funny that, because you visited him in prison on four occasions last time he was inside.
Yes.
I did - and that's because his foster mother asked me to.
Yeah, she had a hip replacement and she couldn't get in to see him.
Aren't you a Middlesbrough supporter? That's mine.
Gosh, yeah.
Love the Villas.
I don't miss a match.
What was the score last Saturday, then? Two-love.
Nil.
Two-nil.
To Yeah, oh, yeah, we smashed them good and proper.
She talks about football all the time.
I do! Can't shut her up, can ya? On me head! But anyway, we've got work to do.
So if you don't mind? I'm watching you, Hathaway.
Hathaway knows more than he's letting on.
So what's new? So he could be harbouring a murder suspect.
Porter didn't shoot anyone.
He hasn't got the bottle.
Yeah, but he may well have seen it - and don't forget, he's wanted for theft.
Oh, Billy Porter is always wanted for theft.
You've got a blind spot - and it's more than him just being your guvnor.
It's almost like It's almost like he's got something on you.
I'm gonna let that go because it's been a rough day.
Go home to your wife, Joe.
DS Keeler, assistance required at Arden Cemetery, please.
My foster mum says the spirits of the dead conceal themselves in fog so the living can't see them - and a hooting owl means that somebody's gonna die.
Yeah, don't give me any ideas.
You'd better hope it's still there.
Course it will.
Who'd steal somebody's ashes? According to this, our Yorick is somewhere round here.
There.
Lucky for you it's still here.
Now come on, let's get out of here before someone finds us.
Stooped to grave robbing, eh, Hathaway? Or are you boys just out here for a bit of al fresco fun? That's it, isn't it, Frank? We're just two blokes who like doing it in cemeteries.
Get off me! I am retrieving some property for a client of mine.
You can explain it all to me when we go to the station.
Don't do anything stupid.
I see the "pickers and stealers" are out today.
We don't want any trouble.
Let's nobody do anything stupid, right? I'm a Let's not do anything stupid.
I thought it was a statue.
It was for my foster Mum's birthday, as soon as I found out it was ashes I put it here, dead respectful, like.
You dishonour my family.
Look, as you can see, he's not the brightest tool in the box but he's really sorry, aren't you, Billy? My sincere condolences for your loss.
RADIO:Control to DS Keeler.
Patrols near your location now.
PHONE RINGS DI Marlowe.
What do you mean, he's disappeared? Arden Cemetery? Yeah, OK, I can make an educated guess.
All right, leave it with me.
Lu? You don't by any chance have Frank in custody, do you? No .
.
but I'd love to know why you're asking.
He went to the cemetery with Billy Porter, and I think something might have happened.
Funny that.
I'm starting to get worried.
OK, don't go anywhere.
I'm coming over.
You're not the only one with a missing partner.
I don't suppose you could tell us where we are? LOCKS CLICK Take that as a no, then.
Well, now what? We call for help.
HELP! Billy, Billy, Billy, I've got another phone.
A burner, I keep it for emergencies.
Oh, right.
Nice one.
So, a known gangster killed Florian Fortes over his mother's ashes .
.
and it didn't occur to you to call it in? Yeah, well, obviously we were going to tell you once they were safely returned, but PHONE RINGS Hello, Luella Sha Lu, yeah, listen.
Claude Mortimer shanghaied us in the cemetery.
We're in a transit van.
The registration number is HV18 APY.
Is Joe with you? Christina.
I'm glad you're on the case.
Yeah, Joe's here, for my sins.
Well, where are you? We're about half an hour from the cemetery.
Engine noise! Can I track the phone? No, it's a burner.
Can you do cell site analysis? Yeah, on it.
Listen, don't hang about.
I don't think he'll let us off with a warning.
I've got to go.
FOOTSTEPS Is that the best you can do? Yeah, I know.
OK.
Thanks, Rob.
OK, the call was picked up by this mast.
The bad news is has an eight-mile radius.
Most of it is industrial estate and it's just too wide to send in a search.
What about the audio? Yeah, it's been outsourced to a private company who are now closed for the night.
What? What are you doing? Perchance a task for our long legged spinner? Good thinking.
Technical support.
I'm sure they're doing the best they can.
Well, we're not, are we? I can't - I can't just sit here doing nothing.
Look, we've got a description of the car, we need to get out, start looking.
Great.
I'll drive.
I'll drive.
No, I'll drive.
I'll drive.
No, I'll drive.
Why? Because I've got a blue flashing light and a siren.
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers! For he today that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother, be he ne'er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition! Can't you make him stop? It's surprisingly hard.
You'll never get away with this.
A little water will clear us of this deed.
Bound for Hong Kong via the Pacific.
Do you have any idea how many of these containers fall off the edge of ships every year? Tens of thousands of these just laying on the sea floor.
Listen, don't do anything you'll regret.
I never regret anything.
He's got a phone.
No, I haven't! He does - and backup's on the way.
So if you've got any sense, you'll let us go now while you have a chance.
If you don't believe him, have a look in his pocket.
Just one thing.
Where exactly is backup on its way to? Some industrial estate 30 minutes drive from the cemetery.
And we ID'd you.
Claude Mortimer.
Well, that's where you're mistaken, as Claude Mortimer hasn't left the Spanish borders in 6 months as immigration records will confirm.
Don't worry.
It'll be painless.
Just like falling into a coma.
To die, to sleep.
To sleep, perchance to dream.
"He's got a phone.
"In his pocket!" Listen.
His kit's all washed and ironed, it's in the airing cupboard.
Thanks, Mum.
Love you.
Just, erm, just tell him I'm sorry.
My son's judo display.
Oh! What's his name? Jake.
He's five.
Can five-year-olds be good at judo? Who knows? And it looks like now I'll never find out.
His dad's not around then? No, not really.
He's not what you'd call father material.
He's a difficult man.
Thank goodness for mothers, eh? You have met mine? PHONE RINGS Emma, hi.
Ah, didn't he tell you? He's on an ob, so his phone's off.
Listen, when I see him I'll tell him his dinner's in the dog.
You take care now.
Joe's wife.
She's pregnant with their first.
They had a scare a few weeks ago.
It was touch and go for a while, so Why did Frank leave the force? Early retirement.
From the job he loved.
Right, yeah, that figures.
Why don't you ask him yourself? Well, because he's like you, he will never give me a straight answer.
Which makes me think, well, it must have been something really wrong - and then I think, well, that's not the Frank Hathaway that I know.
Or at least I think I know.
I mean, what else don't I know about him? Wives buried under the patio.
Offshore accounts in the Caymans? Secret offspring? Jake?! Ha! Me and? Oh, yeah.
No, silly, it was just a It was just an idea.
Then what, is it? What is it that Frank has done that's so bad he can't even tell me, his partner? Teddie Shrewsbury.
MAN CALLS SHEEPDOG They'll have triangulated the call by now.
It's too wide for a search.
Frank will have a plan.
I haven't got a plan, Billy.
He always has a plan.
I haven't got a plan.
He always has a plan.
There is no plan, Billy! That was the plan.
Call for help.
I'm all planned out! How long till we freeze to death? 45 minutes.
Give or take five minutes.
I watched this documentary.
Trapped In A Freezer.
About people who got trapped in a freezer.
OKand how did they get out? They didn't.
Mostly froze to death.
Except this butcher who battered off the lock using a frozen black pudding.
Give me a break.
Give him a break.
That wouldn't be half a good idea, that.
Right, time to get these cuffs off.
I told you he'd have a plan.
Come on.
Teddie was six when he was abducted and found murdered.
I had to inform his parents.
The one consolation was we got the scum who did it.
Richard Hurd.
He was a known offender but he hadn't killed before Teddie.
Left his DNA all over the place - it was an open and shut case.
And the "but"? The lab testing the DNA were being investigated for mishandling of samples.
It was an isolated incident, but it rendered Hurd's DNA inadmissible in court.
So the SIO ordered a search of Hurd's house.
He told us to tear the place apart in case we'd missed anything.
RADIO: This is Aragog.
Can you confirm your identities? Luella May Shakespeare.
You've hacked into my radio? Affirmative.
Regarding the big man and his spot of trouble.
Nitty gritty.
I isolated the audio.
It isn't machinery noise, it's a light aircraft.
Probably a Cessna Jet Hawk 500.
On a northwards bound landing path to a landing destination approximately5km.
How can he possibly know that? I asked a rocket scientist.
It's all the same theory, apparently.
Is there a private airfield in the vicinity? Roger that.
I'm putting a pin in your Sat Nav.
It's police issue - you won't be able to do that The audio records the landing gears descending.
Given the location of the runway, the plane passed over the co-ordinates here within 400 metres.
That's only a couple of miles away.
May the force be with you.
It's just a friend, knows a lot about computers This is DI Marlowe requesting backup to the following location.
Even if you do get them off, then what? At least I'll be able to take a proper swipe at you.
We're going to die in here.
Not if Lu finds us.
The ex-hairdresser? Yeah, the ex-hairdresser who's a better detective than you'll ever be.
Yeah, she only looks like a bimbo.
Eh! Sorry.
And Christina.
You got no faith in the boss? Do you blame me, considering her lack of judgment when it comes to you? Go on, grant me a dying wish.
What's the story with you two? Ha, ha.
Dirty dog!Shut up Billy.
A bent Copper drummed out of the force and still she won't have a bad word said against you.
Lets you run wild! Come on! Satisfy my curiosity.
You really want to know?Yes! Good looks and magnetic charm.
Women find me irresistible.
Yah! Huh?! Your turn! So you searched this Richard Hurd's house a second time.
Yeah.
Yeah, and we got a result.
One of those toy spinners that kids collect.
It had fallen into a crack in the floorboards, so that's why we had missed it the first time.
DNA proved that it belonged to Teddie.
Sometimes to do a great right, you have to do a little wrong.
What, Frank? YOU planted it.
Did he know? He said, "Don't be stupid ".
.
and if you have to be stupid, don't get caught.
" Well, yeah, that sounds like Frank.
Yeah.
Only I WAS stupid, and I did get caught.
Then before I even had a chance to confess, Frank went behind my back to the SIO and he owned up.
Why? He blamed himself for not stopping me .
.
and he said if I hadn't done it then he would have.
The irony of it is neither of us needed to do anything because Hurd was murdered in prison while on remand.
Well, that's something, isn't it? And because they hadn't forwarded the evidence to the CPS, they kept it all internal.
They offered Frank early retirement on health grounds .
.
and I got his job.
Frank sacrificed his career for yours? He said I had a lot more to lose.
Single mum, unemployed with her career in tatters.
They were never going to allow Frank to make it above DI.
They told him he had a "Blatant disregard for authority.
" And we both knew, I could toe the line, I could make it.
Of course if you ever repeat this we'll both deny it.
I would have done what you did.
BANGING Do you actually think you're going to break out of here using frozen fish? It's one more idea than you've had.
Oh! It's pointless.
It's not budging.
I'm sorry, Frank.
I guess this is partly my fault.
Partly?! It's all your fault.
What ever happened to "I'm never going inside again?" I thought you had a job lined up.
Warehouse packer.
What's wrong with that? I didn't mind it.
Quite restful, actually.
Just the hours and the money.
End of the month they'd nicked half of it back in payee.
I'm like, "You're supposed to be paying me.
"Not the other way round.
" P-A-Y-E.
Taxes, Billy.
It's a tried and tested method of raising money for government spending.
The government don't need it.
They're loaded with money.
Oh! I don't know what's worse.
The prospect of death.
Or the prospect of death with the words of a moron ringing in my ears.
Did you have a good childhood, did ya? Go to a nice school, live out in the suburbs .
.
go to the rugby club on a weekend? Yeah.
What of it? You've got no idea, have ya? Born without a chance.
He was mewling and puking in a nurse's arms because of heroin addiction from his junkie mother.
Sorry.
Billy.
It's all right.
It's not like I remember her.
You'd have behavioural difficulties.
Slip through cracks in the care system.
If he hadn't gone to his foster mother, I don't think he'd have made adulthood.
Home schooled me.
Said it would keep me out of trouble.
It did, too, till I was too old for school.
You got kids? No.
Small mercies, eh? At least you'll die without replicating yourself - something for which the planet will be eternally grateful.
I've always thought of you as a bit of a father figure, Frank.
Well, that's done a lot of good for you, hasn't it? Eh, Hathaway? We'll have to split up.
Marlowe.
Yeah.
Frank's been here.
There's thousands of them, they could be anywhere.
It's a good sign we're still shivering.
Means we're still in stage one hypothermia.
It's when you stop you should worry.
Lethargy, confusion paradoxical undressing.
What?!Don't ask.
Your body gets so cold it thinks it's overheating.
Starting with the meat and two veg, so the kecks are the first thing to go.
Most likely they'll find us naked from the waist down.
Urgh! Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse.
DOOR OPENS Well, it seems I underestimated you.
Stay there! Where are they? GUNSHO Habitually, I am a model of patience, but I am now finding myself extremely vexed.
What happened to Nan? Where are they?How many relatives have you got in there? What is he talking about? I have no idea! Here's what's going to happen.
Either you tell me where they are or Mercy here will shoot one of you.
Has she even done her GCSEs? Look, look, slow down.
Why don't you tell us what you're talking about? I'll leave it up to you to choose.
One, two No! What do you reckon, Frank? Billy Two Bricks! Ah, you made it! I'd cuff 'em, if I was you.
And him while you're at it.
You're joking, aren't you? I saved your life.
We wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for you - and he's a thief!You're all heart.
She moved! Ah!Cuff her! She's out cold.
Yeah, sorry about that, I thought I saw a little Devious, little OK, enough.
Backup's on their way.
He won't get far on foot.
SIRENS APPROACHING Billy swiped my keys.
That's not the worst thing that could have happened.
You know, all things considered.
Er, I need to call Emma.
Can I borrow your phone?Yeah, erm, I told her you were on an ob.
Thank you.
Congratulations, by the way.
He's expecting his first.
Whatwhat I said back there, I didn't mean it.
Yeah, you did.
What was that for? Nothing.
It's just ashes.
Looks like Nan wasn't that precious after all.
What was worth killing for? Lookee here.
Did you realise that your nan had a false bottom? Oh, yeah.
She was awfully heavy, even for a dead person, so Anthony had a look and in the bottom, it was weighted with pebbles.
Pebbles?Yeah, you know, like the ones you get in a pet shop.
Only it was heavy enough, so we got rid of them.
No, Anthony, we recycled them.
Gave them to Julius.
And where would we find this Julius? Uncut diamonds worth �3 million.
Uncle Claude's runaway fund.
Hidden and untraceable.
Uh-uh! Any news on Billy yet?