Shameless US s06e09 Episode Script

A Yurt of One's Own

1 I'm a pregnant teenage mom, my boobs feel like watermelons, my hormones are going crazy, and my feet hurt, but I still managed to watch last week's episode of Shameless.
What the hell is your excuse? The room, though, it's it's here in the house? Yeah.
Congratulations.
You're the new houseboy of Gamma Delta Rho.
Great.
We have only two jobs on this earth: the first, to learn, the second, to cope.
You mean, uh, walking through life shitfaced? - Where's your bodyguard? - Gone.
Is it okay if I sit here awhile? That'd be okay.
Debs, meet Queenie.
This is Sammi's mom.
Let's get you some nettle leaf, and it'll help to strengthen your placenta.
G-Dogg got a shipment coming through tomorrow.
- Need you to run it.
- I'm going straight.
I'd like to offer my delivery services for a package.
Nobody's gonna notice if a little more goes missing after we replace it with some baby laxative.
Fuck.
Hey! Oh, shit.
What the fuck? - Where'd you get that? - I think it could be one of mine.
When Nikole finds out about this, she's gonna take away my custody.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck! Ah, fuck! Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! No! No, no, no! Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Shit! - Slept here last night? - Yeah.
- What are you writing? - A letter to Sean's ex-wife.
- Oof.
How come? - Ask Carl.
Carl, why is Fiona writing a letter to Sean's ex-wife? - I don't want to talk about it.
- Okay, great.
I'll just stand here and drink my coffee in silence.
Where are you going? To the commune with Queenie.
Except you're not, 'cause you have school, remember? I need a supportive environment.
Not gonna get it here.
So that's it for high school, huh? Pregnant dropout at 15.
Well played.
- Don't pretend you care.
- You got to graduate, Debs.
Have you heard of "unschooling"? It's a widely recognized form of education.
- By who? - Queenie says it's when you get knowledge from life instead of books.
Like making spaghetti, when you measure water, pasta, salt.
- That's math.
- No, that's pathetic.
If I'm desperate, I can just get my GED.
You know, like you did.
Queenie, are you going to support Debbie as she "unschools" her way through life? Ignore her.
Well, I have so many friends in the commune who have never had a day of conventional education, and they have so much worldly wisdom.
Like boiling pasta.
You want to quit school, Debs, I can't stop you.
Enjoy yourself at what is it? Soaring Consciousness Ecovillage.
A hundred acres, very peaceful.
Oh, and if you see Lip, tell him never to stifle his passion.
Ta-ta.
- What's this? - Hey, Frankie, baby.
- We're off to the commune.
- What? Chuckie's probation papers came yesterday.
Grandma is a rolling stone.
That's a great idea.
Lying under the stars in a rural paradise.
Fresh air, crackling fire.
Jeez, that sounds nice.
Are we taking the van? Don't you need to pack? No, no.
I'm good.
Okay.
- Where's my change? - In tip jar.
I wasn't planning on tipping five bucks.
Exactly.
What's her problem? Well, her dad sold her into sexual slavery.
Pretty much put her in a bad mood for life.
Pacie must have fell out.
It's okay.
You go.
I take drinks.
- What's that accent, Polish? - It's Russian.
So she wasn't born here.
Sent over in a shipping crate.
You pay her under the table? Shit, yeah.
How do you think this place stays open? Excuse me.
I'm Officer Lester Hibbert from United States Citizenship and Immigration Services.
- Wait, what? - According to your boss, you came to this country illegally.
- Nice.
- I didn't know he was whatever he said.
I came here to unwind.
You treated me like shit.
And then you took my last five bucks.
Now we're gonna have a conversation.
- He's with Immigration? - I had no idea.
I didn't see his badge.
Shit, we can't run this bar without her.
Not and raise two kids.
Hey, Olga.
Paycheck.
At last, I can retire.
Charlotte.
- Are you okay? - And, Fiona Gallagher.
I was up all night.
I searched every inch of the house.
I found all of Carl's guns.
I I went to the police station.
I left them there, no questions asked.
Yeah, good idea.
Are you gonna tell Nikole? I can't ask Will to hide this from his mom.
- I got to come clean.
- Okay.
I I wrote a letter, which you can give to her.
It says that it was all my fault and that you are a great dad.
There are three different versions She's not gonna want to hear from you.
Well, what can I do, then? I I feel awful.
Miguel, did you print out sales from last week? I got the accountant coming to file taxes.
Can you stay through lunch? Well, uh, are we gonna talk about this? Maybe later.
Ooh, a little nippy.
Freezing.
And no service.
Where's your house? My tent's right up there.
Your tent? We gonna see a mountain lion? No, we're not, Chuckles.
You were right all along.
I wasn't listening.
This is where we were meant to be together.
Out in the fresh, crisp air, the smell of pine.
Jupiter.
You were sorely missed.
Everybody, this is Jupiter, a founding father of Soaring Consciousness.
And is this? The one I wrote to you about.
We all hoped you'd come, Deborah.
And here you are.
Here, let me help you inside.
Nice of you to bring her a blanket.
It is chilly.
I know I'm cold.
Cute guy at the counter checking you out.
Know him? - That's my husband.
- What? - Can I help you? - By way of apology.
- Okay.
- The way I acted when you were trying to buy the house.
I'm not proud of it.
Well, it all worked out, no thanks to you.
Well, that's great.
So you want to apologize? Yes, and we should get a divorce.
Why not, right? Well, it's been a year.
Things are serious with my girlfriend.
- It seems - You had me at "divorce.
" All right, you keep what's yours.
I keep what's mine.
Nothing to exchange, except Except? The engagement ring that I gave you, it was my grandma's.
It means a lot to my family.
- It's not a problem, is it? - Uh, no.
Well, the paperwork's all ready.
Can you meet tomorrow at two? Let's do this.
All right.
My lawyer's address.
Do I need a lawyer? No, not if we keep it simple.
Simple's good.
I'll see you at two.
Wouldn't miss it.
I am happy.
I am good.
I will love myself today.
I am happy.
I am good.
I will love myself today.
Om Blessings.
You've all noticed our new addition.
Perfect Flower, Spirit, and Sky: welcome, Deborah.
Deb-or-ahh Carl, Carl.
Hey.
Wait, making me run after you? - What's that about? - I'm going home.
Oh, well, you said you got a recording studio, right? - You think you could record me? - Wait, excuse me? Yeah, I want to go to music camp this summer, and they need a sound file of me playing the violin, so I would, but I got shit to do.
Oh.
Okay.
Sounds cool, though.
Good luck with that.
Yo.
Where were you? I'm starving.
What time is it? Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, man.
Hey, what's going on tonight? Uh, Caleb's working all night.
I'm working at the sorority, run the bar for a party; you should come.
You know I love a sorority.
Oh, come on, there are some girls who look like dudes.
- Pass.
- It's Mardi Gras theme.
There's gonna be costumes and shit.
- Oh.
- We'll make it fun.
Hair of the dog? You read 63 shitty student papers on nuclear fission, you need something to dull the pain.
Oh, you have it.
Thank God.
So let's talk price.
You gave me 1900 for it.
I have 500, but I'll get you the rest.
We could work out a payment plan where I could come You had three months to buy it back for 1900.
Contract expired, hocus-pocus, it's now 6,000.
Six thousand? Please, I I'm getting divorced.
My ex wants it back.
His grandma smuggled it out of Nazi Germany in her vagina, so it has sentimental value.
Lots of people come to this shop to look at this ring.
Well Well, don't sell it.
Come on, I'm begging you.
Uh, can Can you just take what I have and and put it on hold? Give you a couple of days, but the price is 6,000.
Is 6,000.
Yeah, I got it.
Oh, my God.
It's so beautiful.
And so warm.
It's the only tent with electric heat.
Is this your tent? No.
It's yours, Deborah.
- What? - This is the maternity tent.
There's lavender and rose petals and the water sounds.
- And what's that? - That is a fertility goddess.
No male energy here.
Hmm.
Generator's over there.
That's the greenhouse, grows enough carrots and turnips to last the winter.
And this is our compost pile.
Ground is frozen, so we don't have much soil.
But this stuff is high in nitrogen and great for the plants.
- Here.
- What's this? To be part of our community, you got to contribute.
No work, no eat, no heat, right? So we all pitch in.
And right now, we need to aerate the compost.
- Ugh.
- Go on, Frank.
Just jam it in and turn.
Don't climb the compost, son.
Oh, Jesus.
That is ripe.
Vegetable scraps mixed with what we get from the latrine.
Hold on.
That's human shit? We call it "black gold.
" It's why the vegetables at lunch were so delicious.
Whoo-hoo! Can you check on the babies? Do you see me up to my elbows in dirty dishes? Well, where's Svetlana? Hey, hey, what's happening? - I move to Kentucky.
- No.
No, no, no.
Don't do that.
I cannot get visa with my husband in prison.
Soon they come take me on a plane to Russia.
Except I'm not here; I'm in Kentucky.
But there has to be a way we can fix this.
All right, what if you divorce Mickey and somebody else marries you? Like one of these guys around here.
Who here wants to marry Svetlana? - Yeah! - Uh-huh.
Okay, you must learn everything about me, meet immigration officer for next two years, live with me, and still pay for sex.
Now who wants to? All right, so I'll marry you.
Yeah, you move in with us, and I'll meet with the USC guy - or whatever his name is.
- Are you forgetting something? - You're still married.
- Shit.
N-not to her, to some other chick.
I never filed divorce papers.
So you two not married? We had a pretend wedding, but - Oh.
- I'm not following.
Gay marriage is legal in Illinois.
What? You marry her? Yeah, I don't know about that.
You said you'd do it.
How is this any different? Well, all right, if that's what you want.
Okay, I guess.
M My ex asked me to return the engagement ring, which is a family heirloom.
Only I pawned it, and I can't afford to buy it back, so my question is, can he sue me? Does your ex have a lawyer? Ah.
Yeah, it's an expensive card.
That's a good sign.
Uh, we're meeting tomorrow at two.
And we agreed to keep things sim Hold that thought.
Ernesto! Okay.
That's, uh, my sister's kid.
She's a crackhead, but he's okay.
I was saying, me and my ex agreed we wouldn't go after each other's stuff.
Just leave with what we had coming in.
Or or or, hear me out, you leave with what you had, but you also leave with what he had.
The husband of one of my clients is on his mother's couch, thanks to me.
So weigh my hourly wage against what we can - It's not what I want.
- Well, ye Shirley Klifton's on line one.
Line one? We only have one line.
Ms.
Klifton, Rick Encarnacion here.
- I represent Fiona Gallarez.
- Gallagher.
Gallagher, yeah.
She and, uh, your client Gus Pfender are filing for a mutual divorce, and I want to open up a line of communication.
Also your client wants us to return the engagement ring, but we won't be able to comply.
Of course, he voluntarily gave her the ring without expectation of return compensation.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Would you send over an itemized list of all his assets? Yeah.
We'll see you tomorrow.
- What happened? - She's a lawyer.
What's she gonna say? I wouldn't worry about it.
Wh uh, you asked for a list of assets? It's routine.
But, uh We can keep going, or I can see you tomorrow.
Just know that I bill on the quarter hour.
Who didn't get their check? Uh, Carl.
Bubba.
Here you go, Miles.
Yo, what is this? It's pay for your first two days.
This is for two days? You make minimum wage.
Here's hours logged.
Subtract federal withholding, medicare, social security, state disability, state withholding and insurance, voilà, net total.
This barely covers the bus to get here.
That's not true.
Oh, yeah, I guess that's almost true.
What can I say? It's a shitty job.
Meanwhile, you're not dead.
You're not in prison.
So there's an upside.
And I got a couple of New Orleans Hurricane shots for you.
Thank you.
One for you and one for me.
Hell did you put on your face? The girls did it.
You know, they said it was water-soluble, but I tried to wash it off my hands.
It won't come off.
Don't even touch me with that shit.
Hey, is that the, uh, girl who looks like a dude? No, that's an actual dude.
Uh, the girl dude, she has a mustache.
Oh.
- Yeah, who is this? - Mandy.
Hey.
Hi.
Wh-where are you? Uh, I'm I'm at a party with Lip.
Don't Don't tell him it's me.
Tell him it's someone else, okay? - What's going on? - I left Indiana.
I'm in Chicago in a hotel downtown in some serious shit.
I I didn't know who else to call, but I can't get into it on the phone.
- Can you come here? - Wh Now? Wh-where are you? McCormick Park Hotel.
Uh, Water Street and Columbus.
Room 218.
And try not to talk to the front desk if you can help it.
- Why not? - Just come now.
And don't tell Lip.
Wait, Ma Hey, uh, I'm gonna split.
What, wait.
You're leaving? Yeah, I'm, uh I'm gonna go meet Caleb.
I thought he was working.
Got his schedules mixed up.
All right, man.
Have fun.
Okay.
Hey, here's, uh, a couple Hurricane shots for you and, uh, one for me.
You can sit anywhere.
Is Carl working? You can go on back if you want.
Make sure he's decent.
Your boss said you were back here.
Uh, what's going on? You here to eat? Mm.
J-Dubb told me you were working.
Kid has a big mouth.
You don't want people knowing you got a job? There's nothing wrong with that.
You gonna record me or what? That why you came here? Why you just walk by me today? I had to get to work.
This whole year, you were trying to get with me and getting me stuff.
Now you don't even look at me.
You not feeling me or something? No.
Yeah, I do.
So what's up? This is what's up.
Washing dishes with eggs and mayonnaise, wearing a damn hairnet.
I got my check from my boss.
I thought he was playing a joke.
And if you didn't want me when I had cash, how am I supposed to get with you now? That whole wannabe gangster act, you were trying too hard.
But what you just said? That was real.
Put the hairnet back on.
No way.
- Please.
- Hell no.
So you gonna record me? I don't work till five tomorrow.
See you after school.
Sean, hey.
I miss you.
Uh, call me.
Uh, when you're ready.
Hello? I told my girlfriend this morning, "Don't worry, Fiona won't screw me over.
" - That's funny, huh? - What's wrong? What, you're keeping my grandma's ring and you want a list of my assets? I never told the lawyer No, no, hey.
That's fine, all right? But I just want you to remember, this is how you wanted to play it.
I am not coming after your money.
And the ring is at a pawn shop.
A-and if you can't wait till I can get the cash, then go buy it yourself and I'll just pay you back.
I promise.
Hello? Mandy.
- Who is it? - It's me.
Come in, quick.
Hey, you all right? Well, I did some crank; don't ask me why, 'cause I fucking hate that shit.
Is that why you called? - 'Cause I did crank? - Well No, that that's why.
Oh, shit.
Who's he? Said his name was Andy, but who knows? Don't worry about him.
He's dead.
What happened? Mandy, what happened? I've got blood on this dress.
I've worn this, like, twice.
Mandy! I met him through my service.
What service? Escort.
Living out here is gonna do you a world of good, Frankie.
I always loved the great outdoors.
Of course, there was usually an underpass to keep the rain off.
Hey, the kid's not gonna sleep with us, is he? Has his own tent.
Good night, Chuckapoo.
Well, what if there's a mountain lion? Oh, gosh, we are barely outside of the city, kid.
Be lucky if you see a squirrel.
Mwah.
In here.
Cozy.
Frank, this is Pan and Tahuti.
- You share a tent? - No.
- Thank God.
- They're just here for sex.
With who? Oh, don't tell me you're screwing these octogenarian patchouli-freaks? Want some tea? Does no one smoke weed? There's room for you, Frankie.
But if you want to wait outside, that's okay too.
I call shotgun.
Two, three, push.
Okay, good.
Just one more.
Just give me a second.
Forgot you dyed your hair.
Yeah, first time, it was too light, so I had the stylist darken it and add some highlights.
More natural this way.
- Look like a real blonde.
- Thanks.
One, two, three.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Aren't there security cameras in hotel hallways? We could cover our faces.
They'll know we came out of this room.
We are not pushing him out a window.
Why? It's only the second floor.
It's not even concrete down there.
It's just a strip of grass.
You, open your mouth.
There we go.
Now you.
All right.
Yo, Trina.
Trina, open your mouth.
- What? - It's 151 proof.
No, thanks.
Hey, look, you, uh like, you want to hang out later? No.
Why? You seeing somebody? No, I I'd just rather be with someone who gives a shit.
Hey, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
I I didn't realize that you wanted a relationship, you know, since, you know, we were in that three-way.
Uh, that wasn't me.
- Sorry? - And my name is Brina.
Not Trina.
Well, come on, give me a hand.
Please.
The window won't even open all the way.
They rig it like that so no one will fall out.
Okay, so we'll take him out in sections.
- I'll call my brothers.
- Mandy.
Mandy, hey.
Stop.
We got to call 911.
Listen to me; you don't tell them you're an escort.
You say that That you met the guy at a bar, that you brought him back to your room, that that you had rough sex.
The paramedics will get here.
They'll check him out; they'll see he died of a stroke and that you called it in.
Hi.
I didn't know you were coming.
I know.
I don't have to stay.
Nah, I was about to head out to a meeting.
It's just that you weren't responding to my texts, and I'm kind of building it up in my head.
I was on the phone with Nikole.
How did that go? She flipped.
Threatened to challenge custody.
Is there anything that I can do? I'll let you know.
Gus came into Patsy's.
Wants a divorce and his engagement ring, which now has a price tag of six grand at the pawn shop, so I'm screwed.
He called and basically accused me of stealing Sorry, I, uh If I'm gonna make that meeting, I, uh I got to go.
So we're not gonna talk? There's something in NA, uh, "pause when agitated.
" I'm agitated, so I'm pausing.
Meaning? We could talk, but it won't be doing either of us any favors.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Sweetie, sweetie, no, no, no, it doesn't bend that way.
Careful.
Careful.
Oh, fuck.
- Who's that? - Who do you think it is? - Let me in.
- You have your own tent, Frank.
It's like a scene from Caligula over there.
There's more wrinkled skin than a barrel full of prunes.
- What? - It's freezing out here.
Will you open the flap? No, I don't want to get kicked out when they specifically said no male energy - in the maternity tent.
- Okay, good.
'Cause I am fresh out of male energy.
Now open the god Jesus.
Open the damn Ahh! Shit.
The hell are you doing? Sorry, Frank, but you can't come in.
Fine, enjoy your big, spacious vagina tent while I'm in a foursome with Pete Seeger and Willie Nelson, for fuck's sake.
The fu What the fuck? Hello? Hello? - Back from the dead? - Hi.
Where Where am I? Cook County ER, receiving treatment for alcohol poisoning.
You had a .
32 BAC, so we're hydrating, watching respiration.
From drinking? Are you serious? Well, howHow did I get here? Got a 911 call from Brina Evans.
Brina? Oh.
Look, I, um I got to get out of here, okay? It's gonna be a few more hours.
You're lucky to be alive.
Hey.
- Have breakfast with me.
- I should go.
Thanks for letting me crash.
I live with some girls.
Didn't want them to see me like that.
You should wash the dress.
Lip lives on campus.
Fiona's at work.
Give me the dress.
What are all those medical books? I'm studying to be an EMT.
The guy I'm dating is a fireman, got me into it.
Hot black fireman, also an artist.
Upgrade from my brother.
I miss Mickey, but, uh, this new guy's nice.
I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
You think he'll dump you? Well, I told him I'm bipolar and my family's screwed up, and he took it pretty well.
But it's one thing to hear it, another to live with it, so we shall see.
How's Lip? He's great.
He's acing his classes.
He was, uh, banging this professor, and that got kind of ugly, but you know Lip.
Yeah.
Take a shower.
I'll wash the dress.
Sorry, I was with the accountant.
Where you headed? Law offices of Klifton and Klifton, explain why I don't have this fucking ring.
Gus has two lawyers and they're both named Klifton? Accountant took about ten minutes to double-check work that took me two days Taxes aren't due yet.
Is this just your way of avoiding me? Was I not up front about that? Got something to say, just say it.
- Not ready.
- Sure, you are.
No, you don't want me to I'm not losing another night's sleep waiting for you to man up and have a goddamn conversation.
I keep seeing Will holding a gun in his hand.
Over and over, it plays in my mind.
If I lost custody and it's your fault? I just tell myself it was an isolated incident.
- It was.
- But you let Liam find a pile of coke.
So I can get my head around you being a heroin addict, an ex-con having killed a guy and this is a deal breaker? Are we splitting up or not? - No, no, hold on.
- No.
No, I'm heading out to get divorced right now 'cause I jump from relationship to relationship without ever catching my breath, which is why my life is such a fucking mess.
So maybe I should be on my own.
You focus on Will.
I'll focus on me.
Okay.
Shit.
Okay.
Folic acid for your baby.
Ah.
Tofu scramble with okra and lentils, fresh orange juice.
Oh.
Looks amazing.
Sweetheart, you sound exhausted.
It's too quiet up here.
I couldn't sleep.
Back home, I sleep through gunshots and sirens.
Well, did you try to climax before you went to bed? What? Here.
There's an electric outlet powered by the commune generator.
So you just plug this thing in, get off a few times, and you will sleep like the dead.
Um I I've never Used a vibrator? Well, I've never even Had an orgasm? Deborah, it liberates a woman to know her body.
Now, this thing has three settings.
I like it at full blast, but you can work up to that.
You know, I'm just gonna leave you here for a little while to give it a little spin, okay? Happy trails.
Samson C-0-3-U.
Dubs said Jay Z used it on "Bonnie & Clyde.
" Maybe go watch TV.
Make sure that violin sound phat.
We can record as many takes as you want.
Just gonna have to edit it together.
Frank! Grab an aerator.
Um, I It's, it's freezing, and I I think I'm coming down with something.
Are there some chores I could do inside? Goat enclosure in the barn needs mucking out.
Mucking out? Shovel out the goat shit.
Maybe something that doesn't involve feces? Well, you could run the generator.
There you go! This way.
It's nice and warm in there.
The generator.
We run it in shifts.
Pan! Frank's gonna take over.
- Well, actually, I - Thank the goddess.
Go on.
Get on.
Hurry up.
Get up there.
Come on.
When the timer goes off, the batteries are charged.
See you at afternoon chant.
- Faster! - Really? Faster.
Faster.
That's it.
Come on.
Keep it right there.
You don't want drums, do you? Got some bumping beats.
I already got into music camp.
My dad recorded me on his iPhone, and that's all they needed.
I can play for you if you want, but that's not why I'm here.
Okay.
So You a virgin? Hell no.
I am.
Yeah.
Yeahme too.
All my friends lost it already, and I was thinking maybe you and me Yeah.
Okay.
So Maybe shut the door.
No, no, no, faster.
Faster.
Oh-ho! That's it.
Oh, God.
How was I? Brina.
You're okay.
And you're surprised by that? Relieved.
'Cause instead of sleeping it off, I got a ride in an ambulance and an IV bag full of salt water.
You know what the hospital charges for that? Two grand.
All right? So congratulations.
You got me back.
Um, for what? Forgetting your name, Brina.
All right, I'm sorry if I hurt your delicate fucking feelings.
Okay, I called 911 'cause you were passed out on a bench in the freezing cold, soaked in your own piss.
I shook you and you wouldn't wake up.
I thought you were gonna die.
Thanks, Florence Nightingale.
Next time, mind your fucking business.
Hey.
Genuine aniline leather.
This firm runs at 650 an hour with a ten-grand retainer.
- But I - Your ex has a trust fund.
Family money, okay? This well runs deep.
Well, I didn't know that, but I still want to Fuck you, Fiona.
What? The F word song.
Your ex wrote it, right? My nephew watches it on YouTube.
And you are entitled to half the royalties in perpetuity.
It's not worth anything.
I never get a shot at cases with a payoff.
This is my chance this is our chance.
There's blood in the water, and I'm a fucking shark.
Sorry, Rick, but no.
Let's get this over with.
Enjoy the generator? Hope nobody expects me to get back on that thing anytime soon.
No, after chant, we cut firewood.
Now that's a good workout.
And tonight we dig out the latrine.
Black gold for the compost pile.
Hello, Lillian.
Fuck this.
I am happy.
I am good.
I will love myself.
- Come on, Debs, let's go.
- No.
The turnip truck is heading into town.
We can hitch from there.
I'd rather be riddled with bullets than to spend one more hour in this place.
I don't want to leave.
You're willing to spend your life chanting in a mildewing tent? These people care about me and my baby.
I'm sorry, Frank, but this is where I want to raise my child.
Om Suit yourself, Debra-flower.
Nama-fucking-ste, everyone.
Please, continue.
Om Frankie, why are you leaving? Why? 'Cause no one smokes weed around here, despite looking like a Woodstock reunion.
Because you shovel human feces before lunch and power lights with a bike.
Most of all, because you told me we would stay warm together under a crocheted blanket.
Instead, I'm sharing you with Ben and Jerry and settling for my third-favorite part of your body.
There's something you should see.
Count me out.
It's just about a ten-minute walk.
I told you, I don't care.
Come on.
- That's mine.
- What is this? Can I have it, please? You took notes on my wife? - Come on.
- Look at this shit.
You got all this Veronica's family tree, likes and dislikes? Oh, you got that wrong.
- Where? - "Doesn't like beef-drizzled nachos.
" Uhyes, she does! Baby, tell Svetlana you like my nachos.
Course I like them.
Holy shit.
You don't like my nachos.
- Baby - That's my best dish.
I like seeing you happy.
Why wouldn't you tell me so I could cook you something else? It's like our whole relationship is based on a lie.
Why are you getting so bent out of shape over nachos? I think this lesbian wedding is a bad idea.
My daughters are gonna grow up thinking they have two moms and I'm some weird guy hanging out at the house.
And what if your pretend wedding is better than our pretend wedding? - Kev.
- No.
Bullshit.
From now on, neither one of us is gonna marry anyone else.
That's final.
Our client wishes that he and Ms.
Gallagher leave the marriage with assets they had coming into it.
Yes.
Didn't catch that.
I said yes.
You had assured Mr.
Pfender that his engagement ring was on hold at the pawnshop.
But we called to check, and that ring has been sold.
He said he would hold it; that guy that works there is a fucking prick.
Given its sentimental value, we're working with a valuation of $15,000.
It's not worth half that.
Either Ms.
Gallagher can pay Mr.
Pfender directly, or he retains a 50% ownership in the residence purchased during their marriage.
Are you fucking serious? You're coming after my house? Sorry, were you hoping to screw me over one last time? - Were you hoping to - Can you can you can you give us a moment, please? Blood in the water, and I am a shark.
And we're back; let's start by reviewing your client's assets.
Income, performance, and publishing royalties, liquid holdings in Chicago and your parents' home state of New Mexico, stocks, mutual funds, material acquisitions, frequent flyer miles - Jesus Christ.
- We should order lunch.
This may be a while.
That's a nice dress.
Hard to tell there was blood on it.
You know I'm okay, right? I mean, the company I work for is a real business.
Payroll checks, health insurance.
They take Amex.
And I'm saving money.
I got a nice apartment.
You saw my car.
Guy last night tried to strangle you.
First time that happened.
And I used to get beat up for free.
Now I don't sleep with anyone I don't want to, and I got regulars who are like boyfriends.
One guy flew me to New York first class.
What was that like? We saw Wicked on Broadway.
Went to restaurants.
Jacuzzi in the hotel.
I was dancing in this club last year.
Blew guys for 50 bucks.
Sothere's no judgment.
Why'd you stop? Just didn't like starving myself to fit in that gold thong.
You know that just 'cause we were born here doesn't mean that we end up here.
I got to split.
How come you're home? That was, uh Mandy.
She back at her house? No, she just, uh, dropped in to say hi.
Is that her Jeep out front? Yeah.
Yeah, she got a job.
How was the party? Oh, it was boring.
Either of you guys got a condom? - What? - A condom.
- He say a condom? - Yeah.
Oh.
You got a girl in your room? Yeah.
She only brought one.
Only one, huh? Well there you go, two.
Thanks.
Is that his first time? Who knows? To Carl.
Here we are.
- Are these - Poppies.
You're farming opium? Well, you didn't think we used all that compost to grow radishes, did you? And the generator powers the lights.
So we're not ready to harvest yet, but we are already making opium tea.
It is very relaxing.
Plan is, make enough money to buy some land in Kauai and live there in luxury.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Frankie, Frankie.
That's enough.
At least till you build up a tolerance.
Okay? It's beautiful.
So you feel that after less than a year of marriage, while your client was openly in relationships with other men, she's entitled to half of our client's net worth, including inheritance, future royalties, and his car? That was well-phrased.
I'm busy the next two weeks, but we won't get a court date before then anyway.
I'll need a discovery phase while you turn over documentation.
How's next month? A man in reception says he needs to speak with Ms.
Gallagher.
Excuse me.
What what are you doing here? There's nothing that Yeah.
Credit card.
I figured I never loaned you that money for the house, so That was $900.
This is six grand.
Well, I got him down to four.
Thank you.
I'll pay you back.
No shit.
Look, uh, I was upset I am upset.
Because that's how it is sometimes.
Shit gets ugly.
People get upset.
But I don't want to lose you over this, or anything, ever again.
Careful.
I'm not divorced, and you sound like you're proposing.
- 'Cause I'm holding this.
- That's probably it.
If I proposed to you with this big-ass ring, you'd be so impressed.
Oh, the timing's a little weird.
Oh, Jesus.
They're all watching.
On the other hand, now I did go to the store, bought this, make a big entrance, so if I was gonna propose, this would be kind of hard to top, don't you think? I'm gonna do it.
No, you're not.
Stop! - I'm serious.
- You're not serious.
Hundred percent.
Fiona Gallagher Yeah.
I'll get you another one.
Aw, cheaper? It's gonna have to be.
Grandma? Grandma! Grandma? Aah! Grandma! Grandma, it's a mountain lion!