Shameless US s07e04 Episode Script

I Am a Storm

1 (CRYING) I need new kids.
You need new parents.
Welcome, new Gallaghers.
Frank, you can't have a homeless shelter here.
I beg to differ, neighbor.
Your meds can go out of balance when you go through a high-stress thing like a breakup.
Just take the week off and go to a doctor.
Senior intern.
- Nice to meet you.
- I'll show you around.
Uh, sign is self-explanatory.
(LIP) The Feds showed up at my internship today.
Took a couple of servers.
- (IAN) What for? - (LIP) No idea.
- You gave a girl what? - Gonorrhea.
If you don't have it - She got it from - Another guy's dick.
Is there gonna be gunfire? I sure as shit hope so.
Go, go, go! (WOMEN SCREAMING) (FIONA) She was shoplifting.
I just wanted to be a good mom.
Good moms stick around.
(SHOUTING) This is my father.
He's staying with us for a while.
Tinder rocks.
Free sex anytime I want it so I can save my energy for more important things.
(LIP) Patsy's Pies? You spend all day working for free.
Has a point.
My bullshit internship is gonna turn into a non-bullshit career.
No offense.
Some taken.
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? - Morning.
- Hey.
Can I get a drag? Ooh.
Your next hit-it-and-quit-it? On a platter.
Six-pack, down for anything, only in town for a week.
What's the tattoo? Whoa.
I-I might be easy, but I draw the line at white supremacy.
Nah, I think it's a Buddhist symbol.
Been dead all night? Yeah.
Since the dinner rush ended.
Maybe the 24-hour thing's a shitty idea.
I don't think people know about it.
I put it on the marquee.
- (MAX) Morning, boss.
- (FIONA) Hey.
Gonna be a scorcher.
Your sign's wrong.
It says we're open 24/7.
We are.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) We're literally on the way from the clubs to the L.
The kids stumble right past us.
They're probably headed to wherever they can keep raging.
Why can't they rage here? Be right back.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) (GIRL) See? I told you.
(CAR HORNS HONKING) Yo, what the hell's going on in here? It's Wednesday? I don't know.
It's 4:00 a.
And the food's terrible.
It's the only place still serving booze.
They got a liquor license? Uh, no.
They just put it in mugs so cops can't tell.
Party, tomorrow night, after-hours to announce our new times.
We'll invent bullshit drink names for the booze and keep it off the menu.
Folks got to ask for it.
- Oh-ho! A speakeasy.
- Mm-hmm.
Max, throw together a late-night menu, would you? Make it a little grungy.
You got it, boss.
Here, lunch special Artichoke, spinach, pepper jack on toasted sourdough.
- Mm.
- Bourgie grilled cheese.
Eight bucks? Ten.
Throw in some gourmet pickles.
You got it.
Ugh, man, that two extra hours of sleep is a miracle.
Thank you so much for coming every morning.
What? Look at these guys.
They're chillin'.
They dig you.
You like kids, huh? You're the only gramps these guys got.
I'm just bummed that you and my other wife got off on the wrong foot.
She just doesn't love how you sold our wife into sex slavery.
Great talk, man.
Hey! Okay, see, yeah.
In America, we take the food off the knife before we give it to the babies.
Speaking Russian Exactly.
- Morning.
- (LIP) Hey.
What happened to your face? Uh, boating accident.
First of the month.
Pony up.
- (DEBBIE) What about Ian? - Paid in advance.
Uh This is all I could scrounge up.
I'll expect the other $372.
22 shortly.
I am a full-time mother with no help, Fiona.
Donut Prince is hiring.
Passed it on the way home.
Snagged you an application.
What am I supposed to do with Harry? Not my problem.
I swear that Russian is up to no good.
- What did she do now? - What? Not Svetlana.
Her father.
You got two weeks.
Can't get together your share by then, I got to rent out your room.
Where am I supposed to go? Mm, homeless shelter down the street? I know the guy who runs it.
That's kind of harsh.
I got to hit the sack.
I'm dying.
Okay, you guys need food, clothes, bail, whatever, call Lip.
I'm on hiatus.
Love you.
Nice to see you, too.
This is so unfair.
Lip? I got to take Liam to day care, and then I got to go to my internship.
All right? I'll have my phone.
Call me if there's a crisis.
I'm right behind you.
Good luck getting laid smelling like fried dough all day.
You always smell like that.
What's your excuse? Uh, bitches and hormones.
(ELECTRICITY POPS, DEBBIE GASPS) Ha! Those Samaritans can scare up a spread, I tell you.
Here you go, Jocelyn.
You like them runny, right? Rocky! Fuel up.
You're gonna outrun Satan today.
I just know it.
Go easy on the sausages there, Evan.
Save some for the other cocksuckers.
(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding.
My son's gay.
Jesus! It is hotter than a hooker's hankie in here.
Let's have a A team-building challenge.
First family member to score a functioning air conditioner gets a reward.
Daddy Frank, someone's hammering signs in our lawn.
Howdy, neighbor.
Hot enough for you? This is no place for a shelter.
I don't know.
Looks okay to me.
We have a two-year-old at home, one on the way.
It's not safe for our kids here at night.
Why is your two-year-old out at night? Look, my wife and I will happily donate money to your cause.
We want to support ending homelessness.
Just not in your backyard, right? Last night, he had a three-hour argument with a man he murdered in Nam.
He wasn't in Nam.
He's 30.
He's a nut-job.
Well we want to read bedtime stories to our kids about rainbows and kittens, not burning napalm babies and beheading Charlie.
I'll tell you what From now on, we'll have him indoors by 10:30.
All good? - (SIGN CLANGS) - You don't belong here! Ugh! Why's she so angry? Lesbians are traditionally angry.
Ignore her.
You want something to eat? You and your pal? - (MUTTERING) - I don't think so.
You are so unbelievably cool with those rancid drunk guys.
I don't know where you get the patience.
Lifetime of practice.
Did you check your locker? No.
Why? - Aww.
- (LAUGHS) Welcome back, man.
(SIGHS) All right, bastard.
Keep your shit together this time, okay? I will.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO) (indistinct chatter, phones ringing - Are you Phillip? - Yeah.
What happened to your face? Oh, fence injury.
I used to fence at Dartmouth.
No, I was jumping a fence.
I need you to sign and scan these documents.
Email it to me by tomorrow.
Follow me.
Uh, who are you? Dylan Oswald.
Office admin and your new boss.
- Where's Tito? - Got hired by DuelDogs.
200K a year.
You've been promoted.
- I'm senior intern? - Yep.
- Do I get a pay raise? - How much do you make now? - Nothing.
- Double that.
Your new job includes helping with social media, doing market research, attending software seminars, and training the new low-level intern.
This is Melody.
She is an MIT grad with degrees in electrical engineering and computer science.
Tell her how you like your coffee.
Iced macchiato.
(SIERRA) The register won't open.
Did you, uh, unplug and re-plug it? What about pounding the side? Sometimes that works.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
What the hell are you doing here? Nothing.
Well, you got me grounded for a month, so Where's your dad? Morning, Sergeant.
Ready to hit the shooting range? Yep.
Let me grab my gun.
What's going on? You've been texting that college boy all week.
Think I didn't notice? He has playoffs this week.
He's anxious.
I don't care if he's starting point guard for the Bulls in the NBA Finals.
I told you to cut it.
But since I have a daughter who doesn't respect my wishes, she gets a father who doesn't respect hers.
Let's go, son.
"Son"? And I just love fried dough, which is why I chose Donut Prince.
And your crullers are beyond.
Your app looks good.
Uh no criminal record, positive attitude.
Are there any restrictions on shifts you can work? No.
Days? Nights? Weekends? I need someone flexible.
Schedule can change at the drop of a hat.
Sure thing.
Excuse me.
Yeah, and if customers get pissed, ask them what they want and act like you're doing them a favor.
- Are you kidding me? - And smile.
It's hot.
Don't panic.
I'm heading in now.
The register broke at Patsy's.
I got to head in.
- Well, can you take her with? - No.
But you're the manager.
You can do whatever you want.
I want not to watch an infant during the lunch rush on the hottest day of the year.
- Why are you doing this to me? - (BABY CRYING) I'm not doing it to you.
I'm doing it for me.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Call Lip.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Any idea who's responsible for all the anti-shelter signs? Uh, no idea.
Neighbors, probably.
- Not you? - No.
I was winding up for a big old tantrum.
I'm so fucking sick of these phonies talking like they give a shit.
But then they're like, "Ew.
Homeless people.
" You live around here? I work on Cermak.
You know Children of the Night? It's a center for at-risk youth.
Some of those kids have no place to live, so I'm the mouthy asshole who tries to place them.
- Trevor.
- Ian.
Uh, which one's the shelter? Thanks.
I'll check it out.
Nice charm.
(INDIE ROCK MUSIC) You up all night saving lives? Kind of.
You up all night saving teens? (SCOFFS) Hell, no.
Was getting my swerve on.
You been to that new club in Waukegan? Converted coal plant.
It's, like, seedy, but in an appealing way.
I don't really go out much.
No? I was in this We were homebodies.
Pretty much just hung out at his place or at snooty restaurants with his bitchy friends.
I feel like a middle-aged shut-in.
- That's no fun.
- Yeah.
My crew does a Boystown crawl every other week.
And there's a couple new places on Halstead you might dig.
What do you like? Everything.
Hang on.
Um, it's a fucking mess, so Here, this one's my fav.
Low-key vibe.
Nice for easing back into the scene.
Catch you there maybe.
Okay, so first you grind the coffee.
Uh, black bags in there.
Red bag is regular brew.
So what exactly do you do here? We process credit cards for fantasy sports.
You're always gonna want to go ahead and use purified water.
Okay? Never tap.
It's over there.
Like Game of Thrones? Uh, no.
It's it's real sports, but fake teams.
Who makes up the teams? The players pick their own.
How do we make money off that? Well, we make a percentage off of all the credit card transactions.
Then what you want to do is get the coffee grounds and tamp it down with this thing.
Isn't online gambling illegal? - It's not gambling.
- Sounds like gambling.
Look, just, uh, do your work.
Keep your head down.
Don't make any waves.
Don't go near the server room.
And pretty soon, you and I will both own one of those six Teslas out front.
'Cause people get Teslas by not making waves.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) - Uh Uh, look, just go ahead and fill this up with two percent from the fridge, all right? Hey.
You okay? Fiona just cost me a job One that she made me apply for.
- (BABY CRYING) - Now what? I don't know, Debs.
Can you come watch Harry while I look for another job? No.
I'm at work.
- (BABY SCREAMING) - They don't pay you.
I'll drop her off on your lunch hour.
I don't get one, okay? I'm sorry.
- (BABY WAILS) - (SCREAMS) First order of business Furniture.
Apparently, this stuff belongs to the realty staging company, and they're taking it back.
So start looking for street discards Mattresses, chairs, couches.
Secondly, as you may have noticed, our beloved domicile is under attack from the locals.
We got to give them zero reason to take issue with us.
Be on our best behavior.
Solve problems before they happen.
You're Gallaghers now.
And Gallaghers fight for what we deserve.
And we fight dirty.
I got these things from the garage.
I also found a push mower.
So, new Lip, mow the strip between the street and the houses.
New Debbie, grab some shrubs from outside the Citibank on 47th and just stick them anyplace you see dirt.
New Ian and New Carl, here you go.
Sweep up the cigarette butts and the needles outside on the street.
New Fiona, clean the trash from the lot under the L.
How is that "fighting dirty"? We become them.
This is psychological warfare.
The thinking man's game.
Henceforth, there are new rules in this house, okay? (UPBEAT MUSIC) No talking to the lamppost after dark.
New Lip, no more jacking off in the backyard.
New Fiona, if you're gonna turn a trick, go one block over.
Yes? Meeting adjourned.
- Hey.
How'd it go? - We panicked.
Do do you know how much these cost? It's from, like, 1910, so probably a dollar.
I mean the cost to replace it.
Well, we've been doing okay lately.
(SCOFFS) It doesn't mean we're in a position to buy new equipment.
We just got out of the hole Sean dug.
Where you been keeping the cash? Twenties, fives, tens, and ones.
We used calculators and wrote everything down on a pad.
Oh (CHUCKLES) your, uh, Asian Nazi came looking for you earlier.
Oh, shit.
I forgot.
This can't be right.
This says that we made over a third more than we usually do.
Grilled cheese was a hit.
(SCOFFS) (SIGHS) I think we're actually starting to get along kind of.
He's working on something for bar, to help.
It's a surprise.
Oh, sweet.
You know, I still can't believe he's the same dude that locked you in a closet and put a flour sack over your head.
It was potato sack.
It's like my 12-year-old self made up my adult life, and my adult self was like, "Oh, yeah? I see your offer, and I raise you 20.
" Hey.
Is The Alibi hiring? Who's asking? Me.
I need a job with child care.
Okay, A, you're underage.
You can't even work in a bar.
And, B, we don't have real employees.
We got spouses and parents.
And, C, I am at peak baby.
Three, and I max out.
See you inside.
Why you need job? Fiona's gonna kick me out unless I can pull my weight.
Find husband.
I have both husband and wife.
I have someone to watch my son 24/7.
I have job.
I am kept woman.
You want good life? Find someone to keep you.
I don't need to be kept.
I'm a strong woman.
Don't be strong woman.
Strong women weather storms.
You want to be the storm.
How? You find someone weak, stupid, and desperate.
And you wear bras so your breasts levitate.
All right! I got this thing together.
I'm gonna take these guys to the movies where it's nice and cool.
Hellraiser II is playing.
Toddlers love classic slasher flicks from the 1980s.
Just kidding.
We're gonna go see Dory for the eight millionth time so I can stab my eyes out with a fork.
Kev, I don't think we should let Yvon keep feeding the babies.
The knife thing.
I know.
That, and I don't like the way he looks at them.
How does he look at them? Like he's trying to figure out how much they're worth.
That's insane.
You know, you sound like an insane person.
You know that, right? - Do I? - Yeah.
You do.
What's up? What's going on? Thumbs up.
What's up there? The sky? Speak Russian at least.
You want me to go upstairs? Oh, you want me to go Okay, fine.
I'll go upstairs.
I'll be right back.
We are not doing Tinder.
Tinder is for hookups.
And we don't want hookup.
We want someone old-fashioned, someone who wants to keep a woman.
But for what? - (BABY WHINING) - To, uh listen to everything he says.
Ah, good point.
I can do that.
- To cook for him.
To to cuddle.
For emotional support.
Hell, yes.
To nurture him.
Damn straight.
I am a kick-ass nurturer.
Harry your mother is a catch.
(WESTERN MUSIC) A common misconception is you need a rigid stance when firing.
Instead, keep a slight bend in your arms, bring your other hand up for support, pressing your thumbs together like this.
Drop one foot back.
Find a steady base.
Bring the tip of the pistol up to the target.
Squeeze the trigger.
Then boom.
Now picture somebody whose guts you hate.
Alpha Sigma Gonorrhea, you're toast.
(GUNSHOTS) Well, I'll be damned.
You got any more tricks up your sleeve? I want to be on the SWAT team.
Those guys are badass.
- Hey.
Uh, chomping at the bit, ain't you? Uh, it's been a while.
It's nice to get out.
My friends ditched me.
They're at some fucking sports bar.
They keep sending me drunk ass-shots.
Want to go join them? I got a better idea.
Let's go get hammered.
Hey, man.
Is anybody else around? No.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) If I were the Feds what would I want to know? Holy shit.
All he wants Is just a little Unconditional loving Is it so hard To believe that? It's all I'm thinking of When I dream of you (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Ahh (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Thanks for the ride.
You still applying to cadet school? Uh, I don't have the grades.
Why not think about military school? Look, I was a banger like you from a hood like this, into all sorts of devious shit.
Military school changed my life.
Well, where is it? It's down south.
It's a boarding school, so you can move out of that home situation you got.
You don't need all that shit dragging you down, not when you can sleep in a clean bed every night to the sound of nothing.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) (BOTH LAUGHING) All right, so what's this one for? Uh, to all the art fags and drag queens, circuit boys, and bitchy twinks.
Guys who like to be watched.
I like to be watched.
Then this one's for you, baby.
Feels good.
It should.
Cost me 80 bucks.
I'm packing, dummy.
Ah Fuck, you brought a gun in here? Wait.
You saw my charm, right? Yeah.
I'm trans.
I thought you knew.
Holy shit.
You're you're a chick? (LAUGHS) Oh, God.
Uh, no, I am not a chick.
I am a trans man.
So you don't have a dick? I have several.
They're made of silicone.
I assumed that you were nonbinary, too.
That's Oh, no, no, no.
I'm I'm normal.
- Normal.
- Yeah.
I'm just, like, not, like, a dude with a fucking vagina.
I'm not a dude with a vagina, asshole.
I'm a dude who doesn't feel like talking about his genitals to some faggot he just met.
- Whoa.
- I got to split.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right.
Hey, what the fuck did I say? You know what, man? Don't do me any favors, okay? I-I can fuck any guy here.
I don't need your cisgender ass.
I have no idea what the fuck that even means, all right? Sorry.
Seriously, I'm I'm really sorry.
(SIGHS) I got a hair trigger for this shit.
Also, I am drunk.
Me too.
I'm gonna get another drink.
You want? Y-yeah.
Let me pay.
No, no, no.
It's all right.
Uh, vodka soda, yeah? Thanks.
- Hey.
(REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS) (SIGHS) I can't believe how fucking hot it is.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) I'm sweating in places I didn't even know I could sweat.
Yeah, it's fucking unreal.
I'm, uh, planning this big, uh after-hours at Patsy's Trying to promote our new times, get the club kids in.
Sounds like a lot of work.
It is.
Why fix what ain't broke, though? I want to do something different, something that's mine.
How's your internship? I found out how the guys at my job have been, uh, flying under the radar.
They use these things called proxy servers to reroute IP addresses from places where fantasy sports are illegal to places where they aren't.
You know, so, when the Feds show up, they can't nail them.
I have no idea what you just said.
Carl and Debbie were blowing up my phone today.
Anything serious? Even if it was, I was at work.
I was at work, too.
And I was getting paid for it.
Look, um I have the potential to make a fuck-ton of money.
I can help this family in a real way.
(BEER POURING) You're not doing it for your family.
Hey, how much does restaurant management pay? You know, I bet it's less than a fuck-ton.
(SOMBER ROCK MUSIC) I took the GED so you would stay in school.
I waitressed my ass off so that you could go to college and drink yourself sick.
The past ten years, I've taken care of every single Gallagher in this family except one.
I'm done.
(door opens, closes Back already? Let's make our speakeasy a Prohibition gangster thing.
Club kids love a good theme.
Oh, my God.
That could be why we can't use the register.
They didn't have electricity back then.
I mean, they did, but who's counting? And we can dress like flappers and Mob guys.
- Sure.
- I don't do costumes.
All right.
Just come by later for cleanup.
What are you doing? You'll see.
What are you guys doing out so late? I need to borrow your printer.
For your résumé, I hope.
New tactic.
Svetlana's idea.
We got to get the word out.
Didi's a rad chalk artist.
What about stickers? Could tag stuff around town, take selfies.
Guerilla marketing.
I love it.
Anybody seen the screwdriver? I want to go to military school.
- Why? - Dom's dad went.
I thought you and Dom broke up.
We did.
Where the fuck is it? Fiona.
You're serious? Yeah.
- Is it expensive? - I don't know yet.
Well, I'm not signing anything till I know you got the money for it.
What if it's too much? I spent my last dollar on my circumcision.
Talk to Lip.
Ha! Don't you worry.
I'll be out of your hair very, very soon.
I am a storm.
Look, Al Capone's gun did that 1925.
All right.
Somebody make a sign for that.
I got to nap in my office for a bit.
Okay if I test out the speakers? Low, please.
(RY X'S "BERLIN" PLAYING) Ooh ooh ooh ooh Come down, love Berlin in the cold All that fighting, all that snow Sober nights And Byron on my mind Tell me I'm not going home (INHALES DEEPLY) (SCOFFS) You've got to be fucking kidding me.
(SIGHS) (ENGINE ZOOMS) (TIRES SCREECHING) Okay, you drive like a fucking maniac.
- (CHUCKLES) - You still drunk? Oh, I'm not sober, per se.
I'm just kidding.
I've been on club soda since 4:00.
Come on.
- I choose to believe that.
- (CHUCKLES) You're staring.
It's just you look so much like a dude.
Oh, that's cool since I am a dude.
Hey, how'd you grow the, uh mustache? I'm on T.
So you used to have, like, tits and shit? Yeah.
I got them chopped the fuck off.
It was the best day of my life.
Didn't that hurt? Oh, they didn't belong on my body.
If you had an extra thumb on your hand, wouldn't you want it gone? Shit.
Oh! Heads up, fuckers.
Nice work with the air conditioner.
Works like a charm.
Where'd you get it? No, don't tell me.
I-I don't want to know.
- Oh.
- What's going on, Frank? Cleaning up this shithole so the neighbors will take their signs down.
This is Trevor.
Uh, so you run the shelter? Emperor of the Disenfranchised, yes.
Giving these lowlifes an opportunity to partake in some manual labor for the benefit of society.
That's great.
Now you're Now you're getting it.
Excuse me.
That's littering, ma'am.
Fuck off, Frank.
"Emergency Neighborhood Council meeting.
" Son of a cunt.
"In light of the recent appliance theft at Turow Elementary, action must be taken to abolish the homeless shelter ASAP.
" Okay, no more Mr.
Nice Neighbor.
Those scumbags have fucked with the wrong emperor.
Pleasant fella.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) That's my dad.
Oh, my God.
It's like a zombie apocalypse out there.
When is this heat gonna let up? Where are the babies? What do you mean? Weren't you taking them this morning? No, I was parking and re-parking the boobie van all day.
I thought Svetlana had them.
Since when do I take babies anymore? They're with my father.
You let him take them? So? He's their dedushka.
We didn't say that that was okay.
He makes money for your bar and watches kids.
He's good to you and babies.
Svetlana, what lunatic takes kids for a walk when it's 100 degrees outside? He's Russian.
He doesn't feel weather.
You are needlessly alarmed.
It annoys me.
It annoys me that you didn't check with us first before you let him take our kids.
That's why he's been kissing our asses.
- He's gonna sell them.
- He's not gonna sell them.
- He sold Lana.
- Not till puberty.
- I'm calling the cops.
- Baby, baby, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down.
You're not thinking straight.
You need to go talk to Fiona.
She loses kids all the time.
She doesn't freak out.
You want me to take advice from a woman who told her sister to go live in a homeless shelter? Damn.
Is that why Debbie needs a job? I don't know.
I'll ask her when I get my kids off of the black market.
He's not gonna sell them.
The worst thing that's gonna happen is they'll get heatstroke.
Which could kill them or give them brain damage.
No, no, no.
Isn't that when the heat strokes you gently? Hey.
How's it going, man? Just doing a memo drop.
Cool, cool.
You were working late last night, I heard.
Just organizing some shit.
Our server room's already pretty organized, but good of you to check in on it.
We have security cameras everywhere.
Curious how you figured out the code.
I'm curious how you figured no one would be able to guess it.
You like iPads? I don't know.
We just got some of the new gens.
Why don't you take these older ones? What? All of them? Sure.
We're done using them.
- Yeah.
All right.
- Yeah, but before you do that, I'm gonna need you to sign this NDA.
What the fuck's an NDA? It's a nondisclosure agreement, which means if you say anything about anything to anybody, you'll be sued hard.
Dylan, they're back.
(FBI AGENT) Fingers off the device, sir.
We have a warrant for servers 1 through 120.
Forgot the code to the server room.
Anybody remember the code? (DYLAN) The eagles have shat the nest.
Everybody pack it up.
No one move.
We'll be speaking with you all individually.
The premises is under federal investigation.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Boys are on the floor 'Cause they're banging on the door (ALARM SOUNDING) - What are you doing? - Crawling.
- Why? - Because you are.
- What's going on? - They're seizing the servers.
I thought you said this was legal.
I guess not.
Do you want to dance, dance with me tonight? You and I First day.
Right after they shaved my Afro.
Nearly burst into tears.
Ha! Me and Felix on the obstacle course in Hell Week.
Full fatigues in that Georgia heat.
And the mosquitoes! Damn.
He's ripped.
Yeah, well, now he's an old fat fuck working for Homeland Security.
Am I gonna get cut like that? Maybe.
You're not just gaining physical strength, you know.
You're getting mentally strong.
I mean, they wake your ass up at 6:00 a.
sharp every day.
Suit up, shine your shoes, shave whatever facial hair you have, head outside, and salute, all before breakfast.
Respect, cleanliness You learn how to be a man.
(DOOR OPENS) (DOM) Send him home, Daddy! I'm sorry.
I thought I heard my daughter telling me what to do.
(DOOR CLOSES) (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) I got to get it, get it, get me some Yeah, yeah, yeah Give it to me, baby, give me some Yeah, yeah, yeah Give it to me now I got to get before I fall down Got to get me on it tonight I got to get before I fall down Got to get me on it tonight (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Whoa.
That's a lot of people.
Don't worry.
They don't bite.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hello.
This is Ian.
Ian, this is my crew from the LGBTQIA center.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey, Ian.
- How are you? Are you, uh, gonna introduce yourselves, or do I have to do it for you? I'm I'm Bethany.
I'm a tri-racial cisgendered girl-fag.
I identify as pansexual, and my pronoun is "she.
" Okay.
Gender-fluid heteroromantic demisexual mutt.
And a redhead.
My pronoun is "zie.
" Hey.
I'm Rabbit.
Genderqueer tax attorney.
I identify as Jennifer Aniston.
Just kidding.
Chinese Mexican agender intersex AFAB.
My pronoun is "they.
" Okay.
All right.
Is it okay if I ask a few questions? Better than to assume you know the answers.
Um, what is inter Uh, inter intersex? Ah, when a person is born with what is typically perceived as both male and female sex organs.
Oh, y Uh, what, um AFAB? Assigned Female At Birth When your parents decide your gender without considering how you may identify in the future.
Okay, and w-what's the whole, um, uh, pronoun thing? When we talk about DX, we say, "Ask them if they would like a coffee.
" But there's only one of him.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
You'll get it.
It's okay.
You'll get it.
(LAUGHS) - Yvon? - Amy? Gemma! Yevgeny? Yevgeny? (VERONICA HYPERVENTILATING) Okay.
They were here.
He came to get more diapers.
He changed their clothes.
Foto-mart receipt.
Isn't that for getting, like, passports or something? - Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- Call the police.
Oh, God.
Uh, sorry for the heat.
The computer lab's the only room with an AC, and it's locked.
We didn't expect our unit to get stolen.
The city should upgrade to central air.
Criminal to try to teach kids in this sweatbox.
So the shelter's location raises concerns for the community about possible negative outcomes, exacerbated by the fact that the site is between two schools.
Both schools have metal detectors because the kids keep bringing guns.
Exactly who are you protecting? I saw a woman shooting up at the bus stop.
And the other night, two drunk teens were beating the crap out of each other on my lawn.
I hear I can make sure that we do our drugs and beat each other up indoors, just like the rest of you folks.
But let's not pretend that our house is any different than your house, Mr.
My Wife Walked Into a Door, over there, or Ms.
This Weed Is for my Glaucoma.
More importantly, we need to take a look at the possible adverse impact on our property values and on the overall quality of life for the community.
We are the community.
We were here first.
You bought up all our shit.
You're the reason we're homeless.
When you see a mentally ill person talking to a lamppost, do you contact their family? Do you give them a sandwich? No.
You're no better than our murderous forefathers stealing land from the Indians and then genociding them.
This is nothing but institutionally mandated pseudo-genocide! Thank you for your passion, Mr.
Uh, that was very moving.
The shelter is blessed to have you as an advocate.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
I-I think we're prepared to take a vote.
All in favor of preserving the shelter, raise your hand.
Opposed? So the man who allegedly took your babies is their grandfather? Not all of them.
One of them.
The other two are his step-grandchildren through marriage.
Has the parent of the two stepchildren been contacted? I'm here.
It's me.
The babies are mine and his.
Yeah, she's my wife.
The guy who took them is my other wife's dad.
Except she's my wife's wife, not mine not legally.
She's my wife, and I'm his wife.
So the guy is the stepdad of your wife's wife? No, she's her dad.
He's my father-in-law.
And he doesn't speak any English.
He only speaks Russian.
He has Russian ties to the Mafia, I think, and has very disturbing tattoos.
Has he ever threatened to harm the babies in the past? Not exactly.
Does he have regular contact with the babies? Well, he sees them every morning, feeds them breakfast, speaks to them in Russian, sings little songs to them.
Is it within the realm of possibility that he may have simply taken them for a walk? (UPBEAT BLUESY MUSIC) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, my God, a candidate.
This is Debbie.
Yes, that's me.
Thank you! I was trying to make them levitate.
For sure.
Um, just text me the address.
Me too.
We got a date! Yes.
They rented a bulldozer.
They're gonna start the demolition at midnight.
You best be there with cameras and a pretty news anchor.
You're welcome.
Oh, your stolen babies are back.
Thank God! Oh, you Our baby patriots! Oh, my God! - Come here! - Hi, baby! Oh, my goodness.
I missed you.
We can call off the cops.
You called the police on my father? You know he's illegal.
He could get deported.
- We thought he took the babies.
- You betrayed me.
We weren't thinking straight.
Speaking Russian Aw would you look at that? It is gift for giving him job and place to stay and for allowing him to be with grandchildren.
We are so sorry.
We're total dicks.
I need a drink.
Well, two hours and 20 quarters later, Frank Gallagher has begun a revolution, and it will be televised.
Can you lend me, like, six cases of beer and 20 bottles of wine? Also, thrift store on Ogden Which one screams illegal booze party? You okay? Sure.
Except you only come around when you need something.
- Huh? - I've had a hell of a day.
We haven't really spoken in weeks, and you waltz in No "Hi, how are you?" Just "Give me beer.
" Okay.
What about the insane day I had being manager of Patsy's? - When did that happen? - Weeks ago.
You'd have known if you'd bothered to check in with me.
I was just at your house yesterday.
I suppose you were too busy kicking Debbie out to notice.
I asked her to get a job like a responsible human, not staple a photo of her tits to a pole with her phone number beneath it like your wife told her to.
She has a good chest.
She should use it.
Mind your fucking business.
Hey, we have some things we need to discuss.
We'll do it later.
No, we won't.
You're busy.
Babies, a bar, a bride.
No time for me and my shit.
I got a party to plan.
What the hell was that? Did you see how rude she was to Lana? Debbie asked Lana for help.
She uses people.
You have outgrown her.
Move on.
I'm so sorry she was such a bitch to you.
And I'm sorry we called the cops on your daddy.
Sorry is not enough.
In my country, you insult someone's father, you get sent to farm to fuck a horse.
Okay, so you knew that you were hooking me up with a shady business? What's shady? Those guys are half as smart as you, and they're loaded.
Yeah, and they're probably in prison right now.
Not for long.
They can afford excellent legal representation.
Yeah, of course they can.
They got rich screwing people over.
Do you feel screwed over? No.
I feel pissed.
Because you lost your internship? No.
Because they were stupid enough to get caught.
Well, you've got about three options now.
One, become one of them on Wall Street.
Go fuck over some assholes who have more money than they deserve, and make yourself a pile in the process.
And two? (SIGHS) Work for a nonprofit.
Do something good for the world.
Get a degree, teach at a university.
Snooze through the next 40 years.
Three? Work in the IT Department at Macy's.
Vacation at Disney.
Coach little league.
Those are my choices? What, I get to be a criminal, or I get to be a schmuck? 500 students as smart as you with your background walk through my doors.
None of them smashed my car.
None of them fucked their professors.
You want to destroy shit, and you want to be rewarded for it.
So answer this Is it a crime to rip people off who are ripping off other people? What if I don't want to spend a lifetime running? Who ran when the Feds showed up today? - Me.
- Who else? Don't run.
Be the guy who has nothing to run from.
The system will be rigged in your favor, Lip, 'cause you'll be the one rigging it.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES) (UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Here you go a Triple Red Eye and a Malted Barley Tea.
It's really coming down out there.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Hi! Thanks for coming.
Sixty-nine times and then one more Hey.
Ooh, you're out so late.
You hungry? You want a burger? Hey, Max, can I get an order of sliders? - What's that? - It's your new ordering system.
I installed point-of-sale software, and it processes credit cards.
Is that an apology for being a dick? Kind of.
I'll take it.
Debs is posting tear-off flyers looking for a life partner.
You got to get on that.
Got it.
Hey! Turn it up! I'll be doing, I'll be doing what it takes Hey! Hustle, hustle all day, no breaks Hustle, hustle all day No breaks Hustle, hustle all day No breaks Everybody want to ball out But nobody want to put in work When they come, they're going all out Are my spouses ready for punishment? (KEV) Are you sure your dad's not coming down? He is dead-drunk on hall floor.
You are safe.
Damn, baby.
I hate to say this, but you make one fine-looking horsie.
I thought this would feel sexier.
- (WHIP CRACKS) - Make him trot.
(COUNTRY MUSIC) since you've gone I've been missing you for oh so long Why do I have to wear the saddle? I'm a concerned father who only wants a better life for his family, and you monsters want to tear it from me.
Well, I'm a fighter.
You will have to rip me from this railing with a An army of billionaires.
I ask you, what kind of a city do we want to live in? How about a city that loves its people? All people! Addicts and thieves and teen boys who suck cock for a living.
Holy shit.
Patsy's made, like, 1,500 tonight.
How'd you do in tips? - I got two bills.
- Damn! Hump her on the table, why don't you? - That doesn't bother you? - (LAUGHS) Why would it? We're not dating.
We just hit it every now and then.
Hey, Debs, you're late! You missed a kick-ass party.
I had a date.
Just ended.
A little sexy time? Not at all.
Did you know that "Jenga" is the Swahili word for "build"? Oh, and that Candy Land was invented by a school teacher recovering from polio? I did not.
And do you know why? Because nobody gives a shit.
Is this one of your life-partner folks? - (SIGHS) I'm starving.
- That food costs money, Debs.
Why am I the only one in the family you haven't offered a job to? You'd listen to me? Do what I ask? Come in when I tell you to? I'd be your boss.
You'd take orders from me? No.
Just add it to my tab.
(SOMBER MUSIC) (UPBEAT MUSIC) (FEMALE REPORTER) Reporting live from an incredibly dire situation happening right now in one of Chicago's poorest neighborhoods.
Behind me, a shelter on the verge of destruction.
Its residents about to be homeless yet again.
But while the fate of the shelter is critical, one local hero has decided to take a stand.
- (MAN 1) Fucking Frank! - (MAN 2) Fuck you, Frank! (MAN 3) Idiot.

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