Shameless US s07e07 Episode Script

You'll Never Ever Get A Chicken In Your Whole Entire Life

1 I've been in rehab, and I still managed to watch Shameless.
What the fuck's your excuse? - (GRUNTING) - (MOANING) I think I saw something Svetlana and her dad.
- That's crazy.
- Yvon is husband.
Not father.
Where does the money go? Utilities, making sure you have a home.
Ah, you found our emergency fund.
What are you doing? Wait a second.
(SCREAMING) We ripped off a bunch of corporate crooks.
Turns out two wrongs do make a right.
- (MICAH) We're shut down.
- (LIP) What, for good? You, take care of Rocky.
He'll take care of me, and he'll make sure my baby won't ever get taken away from me.
We're engaged.
You want my Laundromat? I can go to the bank right now, ask for a loan.
And where do I sign? It's all yours.
I am a trans man.
- I'm a top.
- I am, too.
(ROCK MUSIC) Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? (MOANS) Come on, let me just fuck you just this one time.
You won't be disappointed.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) You bring something? Yeah, it's in my backpack.
You want me to get it? (UPBEAT MUSIC) Why bother when I could fuck you? (MOCKINGLY) You won't be disappointed.
Oh, is that how I said it? - Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) Keep doing that.
I was planning on it.
Yes, hi.
Hi, is it ready? No, I need that sign today.
You said that it would be ready.
Come on, buddy.
I want you to be there on time.
No, no rush charge.
You promised it'd be ready.
I'm gonna be there in an hour.
(SIGHS) Hmm.
I remember my first day of elementary school.
I wore a brown dress with owls on it, came with a matching backpack.
Monica helped me shoplift it from Target.
(SIGHS) I just wanted to feel like a normal kid for one day.
And I got to say, I looked real pretty.
(CHUCKLES) You're a big boy now.
Gonna learn all kinds of new things Math and spelling and science.
- I can walk myself.
- Uh, no.
It's only two blocks.
Right to school and then right home, okay? Okay.
Love you! (WHINES) Are there any guns in the house? - I have a water gun.
- Real guns, Lucas.
Are all the knives safely out of reach? (SCOFFS) No.
There's knives in all of these drawers.
Oh, my God.
You're being a pain in the ass.
That's your injury talking, Neil.
- Morning.
- Hi, sis.
What's going on? DCFS is coming to make sure Debbie can keep Franny.
Which obviously I won't be able to, with our cleaning supplies down here, readily available for a horrific infant death of internal bleeding and violent seizures.
"Our cleaning supplies"? (SCOFFS) Half of them don't even have caps.
I don't think you're supposed to do that.
I need Lucas to sleep with you from now on.
- What? - Franny needs her own room for the DCFS home study today.
- Franny's taking my room? - That's what I just said.
Do I get it back? We'll talk about it later, sweetheart, okay? - It's Neil's apartment.
- You're being a bitch, Debbie.
Go get dressed, Neil.
I have a busy day.
I have to quit school, get married, baby-proof the apartment, and go to that stupid parenting class.
Go, get ready.
I like my room.
Yeah, me too.
What's that face for, huh? What, you need to get some food? Thirsty? Pee? Poop? All of the above? Well, you can't stay here forever, right? I can barely take care of myself.
Hey, if you wanted to lick some more, would you mind doing it a little further south? No? (UPBEAT MUSIC) All right.
Come on.
Where are you going? - Yo.
- Let's get this off.
- Hey, what up? - Hey, this is Trevor.
My brother Lip and his little dog.
- Hey.
Nice to meet you.
- How's it going? You, uh, got rid of the dude with the lady parts? What was his name? - Wow.
- Trevor.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Oh, thanks.
It's just you would have never known.
- I mean, you you look real.
- Oh, dude.
- You look real, too.
- I'm sorry.
I-I really didn't mean anything by it.
I just It's fine.
This one's catching on.
Maybe he can, uh, educate you.
Well, we're gonna grab food.
We have the day off.
You want to come? Stick your foot in your mouth some more? I-I can't.
I have to clean off the schmutz on about a thousand plates at the diner, so Later.
- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) This fucking line is taking forever.
Come on, Neil.
Hey, it's my turn.
What is it I can help you with, Ms.
Gallagher? Is your schedule not up to your liking? Gym class too early? Don't have study hall the same time as your friends? I want to drop out of school.
Only have two years left.
Why not finish? Then we can talk about finding you a job Transit authority, post office, streets and sanitation.
Keep your saving-my-soul speech for one of the morons out there.
I'm on the verge of losing custody of my child.
Just give me whatever paperwork I need to fill out so I can quit this shithole.
Are you at least gonna take the GED? Why would I? Most civil-service jobs require it.
So do trade schools, home health care, the military, even Walmart.
Well, what jobs can I get without it? - Sex worker.
- (SCOFFS) Maybe nuclear waste disposal.
Besides, you don't want your baby to think her mom is a high-school dropout.
Can I get it done before twelve o'clock today? I've got to be at the courthouse.
We're getting married.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Hey.
Hey! - Morning, Etta.
- Hey, Fiona.
Got a pot of coffee on in the back.
That's great.
Hey, I cut out my blue hair Trying to look more professional.
- You like it? - You had blue hair? Huh.
Boy, these people are ridiculous.
Why is that? Well, they they say they can't find a man.
And of course not.
Look at them.
They're dressed like whores.
(CHUCKLES) What do you think? Two loads for the price of one.
Oh, not bad.
Hard to make money when you're giving loads away, though.
Yeah, but I got to get more customers in.
- Do you work here? - Yeah.
The owner.
That machine over there is leaking.
- Really? - I almost slipped.
Hey, Etta, is this leak new? Happens sometimes.
Just turn off the valve and call Vlad.
It's behind the machine.
(GRUNTING) Who's Vlad? An appliance guy.
His number's on the board.
(SIGHS) Etta, I think your mail fell down here.
Oh, it's all junk anyway.
Really? 'Cause this looks like, uh, a box of unopened checks and a credit card you haven't activated.
Wendell handles all that stuff.
Etta, this is the check that I gave you to buy the Laundromat.
Oh? You have to deposit it.
Uh, put it up on the corkboard to remind me.
(SIGHS) (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) If I can't live in my own house, then neither can you ingrates.
I had options of who I could bring here with me.
I hand-selected all of you and asked nothing in return except for love and gratitude.
This is the thanks I get.
You tossed me out a window.
(LIAM) Frank? Get out of here, son.
You don't want to see this.
School's closed.
What? Some kind of school shooting or something? Don't know.
I told you before, school is for losers.
I want to learn stuff.
Well, what do you want me to do about it? Help me.
- You need me? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, son.
I Shit, we better scram.
(WATER RUNNING) Sounds like the shower's still on.
That dude covets my second wife, and now he's coveting my hot water.
I'm glad the truth is finally out.
Now we can be done with him.
Why didn't you tell us sooner? We're family.
We could have figured it out together.
He threatened to cut off every other finger on all of our hands if I told you.
- Gosh, shit.
- (KNOB CREAKS, WATER STOPS) - Water shut off.
- Go.
Act natural.
What's natural about that? I'm gonna pretend to put away clean plates.
Shut up.
He's coming.
(YVON SINGING IN RUSSIAN) Yo, Yvon, what's up, brother? I'm just putting away some clean plates.
He doesn't even understand English.
(BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN) You know, he can kind of act sweet sometimes.
He wants me to go upstairs and to fuck him.
Oh, Jesus.
I take it back.
- You you can't go up there.
- I'm not going to.
What are you going to tell him? Nothing.
We are leaving.
Let's go.
- What? Where? - We go to Alibi.
We'll take it from there.
We're going to leave an angry Russian with a hard-on upstairs in our bedroom? (DOOR OPENS) - How's your food? - It's good.
How's yours? Pretty good.
I like this place.
My, uh, my muffin top is delicious.
You want the bottom half? You did not order a muffin just to make that joke.
You're a fucking punk.
Thank you.
(CHUCKLES) - This morning was fun.
- Yeah.
Might be nice to have a little variety sometime.
Instead of just jacking each other off, you mean? - You ever get fucked? - No.
Not even before you transitioned? - No.
How about you? - Mm-mm.
- Why not? - Just never really a question.
All the guys that I was with just wanted me to do it to them, 'cause I'm so good.
You ever thought about switching it up Being a little bit more sex-positive? Um, what's sex-positive, again? All sex is good sex as long as it's consensual.
Oh, like me fucking you.
- You're relentless.
- Uh-huh.
(CHUCKLES) If we had clear boundaries, and I knew that you weren't assuming that just because I'm the trans guy, I get fucked I'd consider it.
Yeah? Okay, then I would, too.
I told Wendell he needed to service these machines more often.
Can you fix the leak? I'll change the hoses and washers.
Should last you a couple of months, but it's just a band-aid fix.
Real problem is the pump.
- How much? - Machine is an antique.
I don't have the parts for it anymore.
Better off just to buy a new one.
(SCOFFS) Jesus.
What's that cost? Like, 500 bucks? For your home maybe.
These are commercial.
You're looking at three grand each.
- Are you serious? - That's the low end.
You want me to check out the rest of the machines? Yes, thank you.
Just stay out there with Franny, Neil.
- Fiona? - (SIGHS) What, Debs? I quit school.
I need you to come down to the courthouse with me now so I can get married.
Whoa, whoa, what? What are you talking about? I will explain on the way.
Come on, we got to go.
Okay, you quit school? The counselor said it was fine.
He suggest I take the GED.
Come on.
We got to be at the courthouse in 45 minutes.
The GED test is hard.
I already took it this morning.
You got to study for it.
I-I worked on mine for months.
- I passed.
- You did? Yeah, it was easy.
I only got two questions wrong.
Come on, we got to go now.
(WASHING MACHINE SQUEALING) - Hear that noise? - Yeah.
Drive belt needs to be replaced.
You said it was okay that I got married.
Not right this second.
(VLAD) Tub dampening straps are shot.
Well, they won't let me get married without you there, Fiona.
I-I'm busy right now.
We can make an appointment, we can go next week.
DCFS is coming for a home visit tonight.
(SIGHS) Gonna have to replace most of these machines in the next few years.
I suggest starting on a couple of them right now.
Six thousand, four hundred bucks? I gave you a break on the labor.
The man's a thief.
Nothing wrong with these machines.
It'll only take 15 minutes, Fiona, then you can come back Not everything is about you, Debbie! No, everything is about Franny, Fiona.
- God! - (SIGHS) Uh, I smell gas by the meter in the back.
You need to call the gas company.
They'll send somebody right over.
Say good-bye to your Aunt Fiona, Franny.
Could be the last time you see her before DCFS comes and rips you from your mother's loving arms and sends you to live with some foster family of pedophiles and meth heads.
And you are not ADA compliant, Fiona, so get a handicap ramp out here.
The disabled have dirty clothes, too.
(CHUCKLES) Got your hands full there, huh? Bye, Etta.
Holy shit.
Place is a ghost town.
I think someone's in there.
(KNOCKING CONTINUES) I'm coming, I'm coming.
What's going on? They sent out letters letting folks know - the school was closed.
- Why? Not enough kids to keep the place open.
Since when? Since the new private school opened up.
Bourgie parents sending their kids over there now.
A private school in this neighborhood? A lot of new money moving into the Yards.
Bunch of Richie Riches.
Where's my son supposed to go? Oh, they're bussing kids over to Lincoln Douglas Elementary.
That's a 30-minute bus ride.
- Not counting the stops.
- Probably overcrowded.
Forty kids to a class, I hear.
So this private school, where is it? Took over the Blessed Virgin from the Dioceses.
The B I went there.
The archbishop sold it? What happened to the nuns? Ah, they shipped them off to assisted living.
They were all a couple of hundred years old.
Not enough poor kids in the neighborhood to keep the doors open.
(MAN) Fifty-two's up.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Saw on the schedule we have off tonight.
Yeah? Want to do something silly and stupid? Sure.
What? Don't care as long as I can wear sweatpants and no makeup and not have to deal with assholes.
Except for one.
What did Debs do? Took over Lucas's room for Franny.
What'd she do that for? Child Services.
I should move anyway.
Debbie's taking care of Neil now.
Lip, some old dude's out there looking for you.
Yeah? Your boyfriend? I told him not to bug me at work.
Rubber looks good on you.
Ah, that's what, uh, half a college education will get you.
- College? - Yeah, I was expelled.
I, uh, smashed my professor's car.
- That would be me.
- (CHUCKLES) And you're still talking to him? I'm a glutton for punishment.
The provost granted your appeal request.
I didn't make an appeal request.
You're too stubborn to admit your mistakes, so I did it for you.
- Congrats.
- Nice going, Teach.
And you did that because? You made good on your rehab stint.
Oh, so you just took it upon yourself? You're welcome.
Thanks, but I'm not going back.
At least go to the hearing.
Bring a couple character witnesses.
There must be someone who thinks you're worth saving.
I doubt it.
Then let the appeal board expunge your record, in case you change your mind and want to apply to college in the future.
I'm not gonna change my mind.
Either way, a clear record would be a good thing.
Don't be a douche bag.
Just do it.
- What do you have to lose? - Yeah, what she said.
All right, I'm cashing out and going home.
Want to come by whenever you're done? Yeah.
Is it cool if I, uh, wear this? As long as you wear nothing else.
Bye, Teach.
I'd go into cardiac arrest if I worked here.
(CHUCKLES) So you gonna go to the hearing? I'll get you a piece of pie.
We'll call it even.
(BELL DINGS) What if I talk to him, reason with him, man-to-man? In what language, Kev? Oh, shit, you're right.
We can call the INS.
Will you please stop reorganizing? I need to keep busy when I'm nervous.
We can't call INS because they will find out we're not really married.
- Oh, right.
- You are married.
V and I aren't married.
Svet and I aren't married if she's already married to Yvon.
Wait a minute when you divorced Mickey to marry V, you weren't even really married to Mickey? Correct.
So you never really got a divorce? Correct.
So they only two people that are married is Svetlana and Yvon? Yes, Kev.
We all understand what's going on.
- I kind of don't.
- Don't snap at me.
I'm just trying to get this straight in my head.
What difference does it make who's married to who? We need to figure out how to get rid of Yvon.
That's what I've been trying to do all morning.
And what have you come up with? What have you come up with? - I asked you first.
- I asked you second.
He's gonna walk through that door any minute and do God knows what to us because she didn't get his rocks off this morning.
(WHISTLING) Enough! Stop fighting! I'm sorry I have caused this.
This is my problem.
I will take care of it.
I don't know why we're shopping for a new cock when I have a bunch at my place.
'Cause I don't want a tired, old, used-up cock in my ass.
Why? That's what I'm getting in my ass.
You wait, all right? I never had an unsatisfied customer.
Neither have I.
You ever make someone cry before? From pain or? No, from ecstasy.
Okay, you are really building yourself up.
Oh, perfect.
Oh, so you're going for something smaller than the ones I have or? (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) What have they done to my school? - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Oh, my Whoa.
Oh, cool.
Go play with them, son.
Why aren't you going to public school? Afraid of being exposed to regular kids? - I'm sorry? - Is it because my son is poor? Or black? Children, let's go inside.
The public-school system is being gutted by you sending your kid to this expensive private school.
- Please, sir.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll pay taxes to support public schools Don't listen to him.
Let's go.
But God forbid you or your husband, or your wife, would actually send your child to one.
Sir, this is private property.
You need to leave.
This is just the 21st-century version of segregation.
- I'm gonna call the police.
- I'm leaving.
Come on, Liam.
Liam, let's go.
Can I have a chicken? No, you can't have a chicken.
And do you know why? Because these people don't want you to ever have a chicken.
In fact, they've spent thousands of dollars a year so that they can buy up all the chickens in the whole world to guarantee that you will never, ever get a chicken ever in your whole entire life.
Etta, Etta, don't eat the cat food.
Don't boss me around, Sandy.
You aren't Fiona? No, I am.
Sandy's her sister.
(WHISPERING) Died years ago.
How's my gas line? We have a way of detecting gas leaks.
Come with me.
Oh, God.
Can you fix it? We do repairs from the meter out to the street.
Anything this side of the meter is your responsibility.
- Got to get a plumber out here.
- Okay.
Give me a call when it's fixed, and I'll come turn your gas back on.
You're turning off my gas? That's a level-four leak.
Lucky the building hasn't blown.
(SIGHS) Etta, you didn't smell the gas? Gas? I assume the plumber's card is somewhere up here.
(SIGHS) Etta, stop.
Etta, I'll get you a sandwich.
Welcome to the parent re-education class.
It's really nice to see some familiar faces as well as some new ones.
So let's go around and talk about why we're each here and maybe see if there are any corrective measures we could have taken.
Remember that everything you say in here is confidential.
It stays within these walls.
Gina, you go first.
Yeah, well, most of you guys know I had to take these classes 'cause some nosey bitch called the po-po on me because I had Evan in the car sleeping while I was at work.
And what could you have done differently? Shit, I don't know.
Roll the window down some more.
(LENORE) Find someone to watch Evan maybe.
That costs money.
What's the point of going to work, then, right? (ALL MURMUR IN AGREEMENT) We'll discuss alternative child-care options over the next couple of weeks.
Who's next? Shit.
Fuck it, I'll go.
My health-care worker came by on a surprise home check.
I had a couple of needles laying around and my kit.
So he fucking makes me come here.
And what would you do differently in the future? Don't let him in my fucking apartment, right? (ALL MURMUR IN AGREEMENT) Fucking knock, I say I ain't home.
(LENORE) Do you really think that having needles and a hype kit around is in your son's best interest.
He wasn't even there.
He was at my mom's house, right? DCFS is on your side, everyone.
They want you to keep your kids.
But they have a no-tolerance policy for drugs.
So this is something we're going to have to work on.
Who's next? - I'll go.
- (LENORE) Great.
Don't really know why I'm here.
It's my deadbeat daddy's bitch sister-in-law Tanya's fault.
She's the miserable cunt who took pictures of me when I was beating up a homeless lady on the street while trying to panhandle to make money to support my daughter.
(ALL MURMURING) (SIGHS) Okay, and what other choices could you have made? Should have just beat the shit out of Tanya if I'd seen her taking pictures.
Then I wouldn't have to be here with my fiancé wasting my time.
This where I'm gonna learn math, science, and spelling? - Probably not.
- Oh.
Okay, off you go.
Have a good day.
Hey, you new? Come here.
What's in the bag? (GIRL) Yo, yo, let me see that.
(BOY LAUGHS) (CHILDREN SHOUTING) - (BOY) Give me your bag.
- (BOY 2) Give me that.
- (BOY 3) Jack it.
- (BOY) Let me see it.
- (GIRL) What is that? - (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Okay.
Pineapple for Yevgeny.
Good boy.
Pineapple for Gemma.
- Yum.
- (DOOR OPENS) I'm back.
What what happened to your face? Mission accomplished.
Yvon is gone.
We are thrupple again.
- What? - Gone? How gone? He's no longer in our lives.
What did you say to him? - How did he take it? - This is immaterial.
We move forward now.
(WINCES) Ah! (KEV) You got to give us more than that.
Ah, he causes divide between us.
I get rid of divide.
Thank you for taking that down.
That was creeping me out.
Yeah, that's way less creepy.
I got rid of him.
We are back to normal now.
I'm not sure if you guys were ever normal.
Got rid of, like, packed his bags, or got rid of, like, shot him and dumped him in the river? What don't you understand? Well, for starters, where his body is.
Eh, you know, we go round and round in circles.
It gets us nowhere.
I'm going to go into the back and do inventory.
I'm glad we're back to normal, yeah? (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Hi.
- Hey.
- I'm ready.
- Oh, you look good.
Hey, Debs.
Lucas, come say good-bye to me.
Bye, mama.
Hey, you be good for Daddy, okay? We're gonna have some fun today, right, sport? Uh-huh.
I told you no drug addicts around here.
I'm in recovery.
He's taking Lucas to his place.
- Good.
- Charlie.
- Lip.
- You have his toothbrush? And his underpants, change of clothes, and his recorder for music class.
Don't let him watch news or anything scary on TV.
- He gets nightmares.
- I know.
I remember.
Don't worry.
(SIGHS) All right, baby.
You're gonna go sleep at Daddy's.
He's gonna take you to school in the morning, and I'm gonna pick you up.
All right, let's go, champ.
Come on.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I'm looking for Deborah Gallagher.
Yes, hello.
That would be me.
- Yolanda Goldberg from DCFS.
- Please come in.
- They were just leaving.
- Yeah.
I would like to introduce you to my fiancé, Neil.
And our baby girl, Francis Gallagher.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Be gentle.
It is what it is, lady.
Eighteen hundred dollars for a gas leak? And I'm going to need payment up front to start.
Uh, do you take a check? Cash, and I'll knock 100 bucks off.
Uh, can you give me a little time to go get the money? Sure.
I'll go get the tools.
Job's gonna take a few hours anyway.
(DOOR OPENS, DOOR BELLS RING) (DOOR BELLS RING) (ELECTRONIC ROCK MUSIC) Baby, save it We're wasted I know we got to slow it down Listen up, it's picking up Put your hands up And do your kicksy and lipsy Your time's up, we're hanging up Double sixing the night 'cause tonight We're doing it to death Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh (MAN) Silas Turner? Silas Turner? Excuse me.
You're being selfish.
Did you know that? Did you? Amber or Keaton or Jordan or or Benadryl or whatever the hell your name is.
(MAN) Okay, who's next? Do you feel good about yourselves? Going to this high and mighty all-white private school while leaving my little brown boy Liam out in the cold? If you little sperm mishaps had any kind of heart at all (MAN) Alison's next.
You would quit this hoity-toity cesspool of an academic environment and demand that Booker Davis Elementary reopen! - Abigail.
- And tell your parents you don't want to go to this fancy school.
Use whatever excuse you got.
You got bullied by a kid.
A teacher diddled you.
You can't breathe with the asbestos in the ceiling is making you cough.
- Excuse me, sir? - What? Anne Seery, head of the school.
I know, it's private property.
I'm leaving.
I was actually going to invite you into my office for tea and some imported Guatemalan dark chocolates.
Seriously? Pipes are cleaned out.
Nice touch with the candles.
And what do you think about this? - It's what you hearin' - (LAUGHING) It's what you hearin', listen It's what you hearin', listen It's what you hearin', listen - (BOTH MOUTHING WORDS) - X gonna give it to you Fuck waitin' for you to get it on your own X gonna deliver to you Knock, knock, open up the door, it's real With the nonstop, pop-pop and stainless steel Go hard, gettin' busy with it But I got such a good heart, then I'll make a mother Aw, fuck.
Aw, shit.
Is this gonna hurt? Um, let's talk boundaries, yeah? My boundary is don't stick it in my ass.
Um, what's our safe word if we want to stop? "Ow, motherfucker.
" Okay, come on.
Uh "octopus.
" Okay.
Why octopus? It's the first thing I thought of.
It's not like we're gonna say "octopus" in any other context.
Oh, that's actually a good point.
Um who is going first? Flip for it.
Um heads or tails? - Heads, of course.
- All right.
- Oh, fuck me.
- Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Smoke some weed first? You got it.
- (EXHALES DEEPLY) - (CHUCKLES) So you want to Or should I? (BOTH LAUGH) (SIERRA LAUGHING) Ah, you're down to one.
Yeah, but he's, like, the toughest one out of - What? - Oh, my gosh.
- Sorry.
- Checking your phone? I'm just making sure everything's okay.
Ha! - Take that bitch.
- You blew my head off.
(CHUCKLES) Sh If you're so nervous, why'd you let him take Lucas? Hmm, got to have a relationship with his dad, right? My mother kept me away from mine.
I don't want to do the same thing to Lucas.
Oh! You can't run from me.
- I can't win.
- (CHUCKLES) What How - Shit.
- I am the warrior.
You are.
Look at that.
Fuck, I'm miserable.
Hey, can we get another pitcher of beer? Sure.
Can I get a glass of water, please? - Okay.
- Thanks.
You're smart to hydrate.
I prefer to be dehydrated and hungover in the morning.
Well, I kind of have to stay sober-ish.
Why? You driving heavy machinery later tonight? If your vagina is heavy machinery, then, yeah, I am.
(CHUCKLES) So do you have a drinking problem? Uh, no.
I just had a couple wild nights back in college, so Sounds like you could go back if you go to that hearing thing.
Eh You know, people would kill to go to college, and you're just like, "Eh" College isn't the end-all, be-all.
Might feel different if you're still washing dishes in three years.
- Maybe.
- (GROANS) So you think Debbie's going to kick you out? Probably.
I mean, it's Neil's apartment.
He bought it with his settlement money.
It's not big enough for the five of us.
Thank you.
Call and check in.
I'm sure Charlie will let me know if anything's wrong.
Want to play another game so I can whup your ass again? You talk a lot of smack, but, yeah, sure.
- How about this guy? - Yes.
All right.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) - Ready - (BOTH) Set - Go! - No! No! (BOTH LAUGH) Hey, Diego, that owner chick loves the mushroom burger.
Wants more aioli pimento sauce.
Except she referred to it as "the red shit.
" - Margo? - Yeah.
- I'll take it to her.
- Into an ocean of beats A drum on repeat, now your head can take a swim And you got blains on your feet A nose with a need, The bridges are burning - Here you go.
- Mmm.
Yeah! Rock! Chain! Go! Oh, hey.
Mushroom burger's pretty good, huh? Uh-huh.
Place looks like it's doing okay.
Yeah, people seem to really like the new menu.
Can I ask you something, or are you too busy? Ho how did you get where you are? Just dumb luck.
I bought a-a small business, and, uh, it's costing way more than I thought it would, and if you have any tips for first-time owners? - Yeah, don't do it.
- What? 99% of the people who ask for my advice don't have a clue what it takes.
They don't have the balls.
They fantasize about skydiving, but they never get on the plane.
And if they do, they're too scared to jump.
But don't feel bad.
Most people are pussies.
Costs a lot of money to make money.
And it's a hell of a lot easier just to be an employee for the rest of their lives.
Less stress.
Can you please sit the fuck down? Protesting In your paper crown Go easy now Hi.
Old lady went upstairs.
You get the cash? No.
You can ask her for it.
- What? - She owns the place.
And you're so loud And you're so loud And you're so loud I recognize this room.
You see this scar? Got hit with a ruler by Monsignor Reynolds for talking out of turn in class.
I can do one better.
This is from Sister Agnes over at St.
Paul's because my skirt was too short in the fourth grade.
That's a handsome battle wound.
Hope you learned your lesson.
Made it shorter the next day.
(LAUGHING) I like your spirit.
And your patellas aren't so bad either.
So what are we gonna do about you trespassing and accosting my children? What are we gonna do about you destroying public education? We're not destroying it.
We're creating better choices for families and their children.
White children.
We are open to all children of all races.
Lot of diversity in this brochure.
I didn't seen any of these rainbow kids out on the playground.
What would you say if I offered Liam a place here at Hopkins Academy? (SCOFFS) I'd say I'm about 20K short of the 20K this place costs.
Perhaps I'm not making myself clear.
We'd be picking up the cost of his education.
I don't think that went well.
It went great.
- Franny wouldn't stop crying.
- She's a baby.
The DCFS lady was taking notes.
That's what they do.
Why didn't they tell me at the end that I could keep her? She has to write her report.
She told you that.
I don't know.
I have a bad feeling about this.
You're a great mother.
It'll be fine.
- You're telling the truth, huh? - Yeah.
Guess that's the good thing about being with someone who can't lie.
I love you, Debbie.
I love you, too.
You do? - Yeah.
- Yeah? (BOTH LAUGHING) Stop.
Kev, Svetlana's up there waiting for us.
What do we do? I don't know.
You think she killed him? No, I don't think she killed him.
I meant what are we gonna do about having sex with her? - Do we do it? - Sure, why not? There are only five knives here.
Even after she lied about Yvon? She apologized.
I thought we had six knives.
Why are you thinking about our knives right now? Because maybe she used one of them to kill Yvon.
- You're talking crazy.
- Am I? I don't know.
I think this knife has blood on it.
Kevin, focus.
I don't think that I trust Svetlana anymore to have sex with her.
What does trust have to do with having sex? Do you think she lied about other things, too? Like what? Maybe she really isn't Russian.
- Oh, now you're talking crazy.
- Am I? She lied about her husband being her father.
Maybe Yevgeny is really her nephew.
Oh, don't even fuck with me with this.
I-I can't keep all this shit straight.
I'm just saying, I don't know who she is anymore.
So what do you want to do? You want to go back to being a couple again? What about the bar? The kids? Our relationship? I don't know, V.
You tell me what to do, I'll do it.
Have we always had a box of rat poison in here? (SVETLANA) I'm waiting for you.
Oh, shit.
We got to go up and do this.
Where's my plastic tarp and duct tape? (VERONICA) Come on, Kevin! - This guy? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yes.
- Okay, all right.
- This is gonna be funny.
- What? Just stop, stop.
You got to look straight, - so they can swap our faces.
- I don't want to.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, I'm typing in my email - so they'll send us the photo.
- Okay.
- We get five photos.
- Mm-hmm.
Let's make a different face for each one.
- Okay, what's your first? - Smile.
- Smile.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - Now, uh, angry face.
Fish face.
- Now what? Fish face? - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - Okay, I got an idea.
Oh, my God.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) - Noelle? - Okay.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - What's going on? Are you fucking serious? I'll I'll be right there.
- What's up? - Charlie left Lucas with his next-door neighbor an hour ago.
- We got to go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) (BOTH CHUCKLE) Can I get a witness in the darkness? 'Cause there ain't no love at all to be found Feeling like a freight train Trying to break chains Everybody needs somebody, no doubt Sugar, just step into your sneakers And step behind the speakers Your heart will keep me beating And make me a believer Don't you want me? Don't you want me? I need some mercy on my soul right now Give me what you got, oh, oh, oh You you ready? (IAN) Yeah.
Ow, ow, no.
Uh Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Come get your love I don't care, I don't care if I'm losing my way I'll be waiting for you as the night fades away So roll up, roll up Yeah yeah yeah-ah-ah Thanks for watching Lucas.
He said he had a quick errand to run, never came back.
Noelle, let me give you some cash.
Please, stop, okay? I got to go work.
He go on a bender? I'm sure.
30 days sober Bullshit.
Probably hasn't been 30 minutes sober.
I just Fuck! (SIGHS) I'm gonna go.
Can you get home okay? Yeah.
You know, the thing is is I'm a jackass for believing him, 'cause I knew he was lying.
But I wanted to play nicey-nice so that he'd give me the child support he owes me.
Pathetic, huh? I don't want you to think that I'm desperate for cash.
I probably will be when your sister kicks me and Lucas to the curb, but How's this for for casual? I'll see you tomorrow.
(KNOCKS ON WINDOW) Yeah, you'll see me tomorrow 'cause I'm gonna be waking up next to you.
(SOFT MUSIC) I will protect your shadow Even though when it's dark, it slips I'll clean your window Make you look out and see scenery - 'Cause I am a stranger - Oh! Ohh! Oh! Oh! Fuck! (MOANS) Fuck! I guess you got over your trust issues.
- (SIGHS) - (SIGHS) I'm glad I only have to focus on two lovers.
Kev, you're next.
- Oh.
- (EXHALES SHARPLY) - Oh, yeah.
- Oh! Yeah, that feels good.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
Hooray for being a thrupple again.
- What's the matter, Kev? - Nothing.
What? (SIGHS) That.
- I'm fine.
- No.
Your penis, it does not respond.
I cup your balls.
I stick my finger in your rectum.
I twist, and I stroke, and I twist, and I stroke.
Just having a little trouble concentrating.
Just keep thinking about Yvon.
Wait, you think of another man when we make love? Another man who was your husband, who may or may not be dead.
What was the answer, again? - Kev, we're moving past this.
- I know, I'm trying.
But when a woman cheats on a guy, the only thing that guy can think about is the other guy's cock, and that's what I'm thinking about, Yvon's cock.
- Then stop thinking about it.
- I'm trying! But I can't, 'cause when I stop trying to think about Yvon's cock, I think about it more.
And when I think about it more, I think about whether it's dead or not.
- What? - Yeah, like a ghost cock.
- You make no sense.
- Really? 'Cause I think I make perfect sense.
I got two beautiful women in my bed, and the only thing I can think about is Yvon's ghost cock.
Ghost cock! Ghost cock! Ghost cock! Kevin, we get it! You're losing your shit, Kev.
Yeah, I know I am.
But I'm the one Yvon's ghost cock is staring at.
And it's laughing.
I'm out of here.
I'm gonna sleep downstairs on the couch.
- Hmm? - Good morning.
(BOTH LAUGHING) When did you put your ass out? You don't remember that? You were right there the whole time.
- (LAUGHING) - You don't remember? Does testosterone make you grow a prostate? I, uh I think you hit my G-spot.
Damn, we were good.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Look at that.
My son's going to private school.
You're a good dad.
(WOMAN) Next, please.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um, I'd like to, um, deposit a check.
It's gonna go into this account Etta Teasdale.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) I bought a Laundromat.
I'm an owner.
- (CHICKEN CLUCKS) - And when dinnertime comes, you grab little free-range Lucky here by the neck, and you swing him around.
You break his neck.
And then you cut off his head.
You bleed him out.
It's the circle of life.
- Okay, let me demonstrate.
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