Shameless US s09e10 Episode Script

Los Diablos!

1 Oh, it's-it's you again.
Okay, here's-here's what Here's what happened.
Carrie put on this brown wig and was running out into traffic, and the guy I thought was the bad guy isn't, and her boyfriend is the suicide bomber.
You believe that shit? [laughs] - [man] Wrong show, Frank.
- What? [man] That's Homeland, not Shameless.
Oh.
Fuck.
Wow.
Don't mix Percocet with beer.
[rock music] - Who's the new barback? - [Veronica] That's Santiago.
He's staying with us until we find his father.
They were gonna go live with his uncle in Indiana.
How are we gonna find some random Guatemalan guy in Gary, Indiana? I did a web search: "Where to find illegal immigrants, Gary, Indiana.
" Got a whole list of places.
[Tommy] You find Santiago's uncle? Oh, yeah.
Found him and then lost him.
Fly, my Mexican friend! - Guatemalan.
- Guatemalan friend! Fly! Liam, your share of the bills this month: $70.
- I'm nine.
- Figure it out.
Carl, your share of the bill this month is 70 bucks.
Maybe you should get a real job and stop hanging out with your girlfriend so much.
Ingrid and I are pregnant.
- Triplets? - Sextuplets.
And we're hiding from a North Korean fertility specialist, so make room.
- We are moving in.
- Oh, that's hysterical.
Do you really think we can afford more than one? You'll get a job.
[laughs] "Dreams dead? You're our man.
Be the Hobo Loco Man.
" Kev, what is this? They're holding a competition to choose the Hobo Loco spokesperson.
The winner gets a $50,000 contract to be in a social media campaign.
This is me.
I'm the Hobo Loco Man.
You smell like a barroom floor.
I don't need anything from you! - She do this a lot? - [Lip] Yeah.
Well, lately.
[rock music] Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [distant siren wailing] [train rumbling] [rock music] Silicone sour Burning the hours of the night away In retro bass From the east side moving right away You're a satellite [humming] And I'm on your website Miley doesn't miss you She got the spread on the college issue You're gonna try to save her You start to blame her Oh, shit.
You open? So you gotta be famous Twenty-four hours.
It's a golden age You sit wherever you want.
It's a golden age It's a golden age I'll bring menus to you.
Are you hiring? It's a golden age What? I'm a hard worker.
[radio clicks off] How about this booth right over here? Got any more where this came from? Couple hours after last call, but get you some coffee.
So you're just drinking on the job, then? Everything okay out here, Fiona? Let's get out of here.
[Fiona softly] Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
You all right? Yeah.
Good.
[rock music] Nothing but junk mail.
Rat shit in the attic.
Fires in the dryer vent.
These ads are terrifying.
Carbon monoxide leaks from the furnace? Fiona always handled this shit.
Should I be worried about these things? Ah, homeowner stuff.
Sucks to be an adult.
What? I'm eating for seven now.
Well, then all seven of you are gonna need to cough up cash if you're gonna be living here.
All right.
I'm gonna do some therapy sessions on the phone this afternoon.
I'll write you a check later.
[Debbie] Hey.
Where you guys going? Softball camp.
I got a call from one of those 20 jobs I applied for.
Nice.
Which one? Some seafood restaurant place.
Carl Gallagher's going legit.
Minimum wage? Only job someone like me can get.
You know, you really can't put "drug dealer" or "gunrunner" on your West Point app.
Come on, babe.
[Liam] Can we call the plumber guy? Says he can snake our tub for ten bucks.
What's wrong with our tub? It has two inches of scummy water in it all the time that doesn't drain.
Good morning, family one.
Family two.
Why do you look like a farm animal? [Liam] Smell like one too.
Your father is gonna be the new Hobo Loco beverage spokesperson.
Now, I haven't won the competition yet, Ingy.
Hobo what-o? It's a delicious alcoholic beverage.
They're looking for someone with no purpose in life.
I finally found my calling.
Soon I'll be able to support those I love.
Oh, yeah.
Wish me luck.
Oh, you go get 'em, my Hobo Loco tiger.
Good-bye, little Frank-ettes.
[both sigh] No need to even hold a competition.
If it involves alcohol, they should just give him the prize.
Think we need to worry about termites? [train rumbling] The hell's going on? Jesus, it's almost 7:30.
Place is closed.
W-well, where's Fiona? We already turned away a bunch of customers.
Well, let's get set up fast so we don't lose any more business.
Okay, let's get the coffee going.
Fire up the grills.
Make sure the ketchups are married.
I'll get the blinds.
All right, set the tables.
Let's go, guys.
Come on.
Hey, Eliza.
[Eliza scoffs] She alive? Yo, wakey-wakey! - Get the fuck away from me! - Whoa, whoa! [Tyesha] Take it easy! [sighs] Shit.
Sorry.
You okay? Yeah.
Uh, what time is it? Why was this place locked? Oh, uh I was doing the cash out late, and I, uh, went into the back office for a second, and these three sketchy guys just came out of nowhere, and I thought they were gonna rob me or I don't know what.
[Eliza] My God.
Are you okay? I-I locked up.
I didn't know if they were still hanging around, and I didn't want to go home or take the I that late in case they tried to follow me.
You left the cash out when you went in the back office? Yeah, it's fine.
All right.
Um, I'm gonna go and take a shower, and, uh, I will be back for the lunch shift, and it won't happen again.
[Tami] See? Shampoo.
Not dish liquid.
That's an interesting concept.
Here, let me show you.
All right.
Oh, man.
Yeah, that, uh that actually feels really good.
I give great head, huh? Yeah, it's better than your regular head.
- Hey! - [Tahetia] Knock, knock, knock! - Just me.
- [Lip] Jesus, dude! And I'm not looking at your dick.
- I just left my retainer in here.
- Ew! I lied.
I looked at your dick.
Bye! Hey, your stupid boyfriend still owes me $300 for the Comcast bill! You gotta lose those guys.
Yeah, then I gotta go through the bullshit of getting a new roommate.
Okay, turn around.
Your turn.
- All right.
- Are you off today? Yeah.
Me too.
Oh.
We should do something.
Why? You're not hanging around with Boone? [laughs] No, he's on his way back to Yemen.
Isn't that where all those land mines are? Fingers crossed.
So let's hang out.
Never done that before.
We could see if we even like each other.
I got boring shit to do all day.
Me too.
We can do it together.
Aah! Turn around.
- Take a look.
- Oh, nice.
- It's good.
- Yeah, I like it.
Right, you see, I give good head too.
[laughs] What is this? [Santiago] Diablas! Las diablas! Santiago.
He probably had a nightmare again.
[Santiago yelling] - [Santiago] Ow! - [girls] Die! Die! [Santiago speaking Spanish] No, please.
Stop, please.
Girls! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Stop.
What are you doing? - Hey! You're hurting him! - [Kev] You duct taped him? - [Veronica] And handcuffs? Santiago, I am so sorry.
You have to forgive them.
The-the girls are a little bit wild.
Preschool was supposed to be taming them.
Come on, baby.
Let's go get you some juice.
Girls, what has gotten into you? - We don't hurt people.
- We don't? No, of course not.
We have to be nice, and Santiago's part of our family.
- No.
- Yes, honey, and his sister's gonna be here soon too.
No, they go home.
They don't have a home.
Bad people wanted to turn them into sex slaves and gang members.
Kev, please stop talking.
I'm trying to teach them.
I'm They're four years old.
Come on, girls.
It's time to get dressed for school.
Take Santiago to the bar.
[Kev] Santiago.
What do you say? Me and you having some quality dad time together? Huh? Let's do it! - [whimpers] - No, no.
God, I'm so sorry.
- [indistinct chatter] - Yeah, just hold up the shirt.
Nice! Hey, Hobo Loco is trending in the top 50 right now.
Thought we'd have, like, 30 homeless here and that'd be it.
[laughs] Hey, everyone! Let me all hear you say, "I love Hobo Loco!" [all] I love Hobo Loco! [crowd cheering] Are you fucking kidding me? Who are all these people? Jesus.
Hey, is everybody here for the Hobo Loco competition? Apparently so, but I'm gonna win this thing.
Gonna be hard, since I'm a shoo-in.
That right? I've never held the same job for more than 37 days.
I spent my life savings on a Blockbuster franchise in 2013.
I buried a bipolar wife, a cancer-riddled girlfriend, and a mother who never loved me.
Two-thirds of my penis got blown off in the First Gulf War.
I won the lottery in 2006 and accidentally used the winning ticket as a rolling paper.
I grew up in Flint, Michigan.
Frank Gallagher.
Mikey O'Shea.
Irish, huh? Well, the dead junkie whose wallet I acquired was.
Very impressive.
Why do these fucking posers think they can steal our thunder? Because their parents told them they could be anything they wanted to be.
[laughs] Let's teach 'em a lesson.
Let's kick ass.
Excuse us.
Excuse us.
- Excuse me! - Excuse us.
- VIP! - Coming through.
Coming through.
This way.
One second.
Look out.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let the real hobos through! Don't be rude.
Don't be rude.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Come on, excuse us.
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
- Good God.
We're here for the competition.
- [Frank] Where do we sign? - They cut the line! - [crowd yelling] - And that's exactly the kind of spunk we're looking for.
Do you hear that, Phi Piggie Piggie? That's what they're looking for.
Get your spunk-less ass out of here! - [Frank] You should learn.
- [Amber] Hey, fellas.
I just I just need you to sign in right here.
Oh, right away.
- Done.
- Again, yeah.
Great.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, next, I'm gonna need to test your baseline blood alcohol content.
Right this way.
Here we are.
[rock music] [both blowing heavily] [devices beeping] Point two-three.
Nice.
Point two-seven.
Whoa.
All in a day's work.
Whoo.
[laughs] Great job.
Okay, now, over here, you're gonna need to drink two ounces of Hobo Loco in less than 15 seconds, and please, no throwing up on me.
Please use the trash can over here.
Okay, and [timer clicks] OMG.
That was amazing.
It's like drinking water.
More like watered-down water.
[laughs] Well, have a Hobo Loco hat.
Agency will be announcing the contestants in just a bit.
All right, next.
[clicks tongue] Good luck, J-holes.
[laughs] You hear that, douchebags? [laughs] This is the dining area.
I was really impressed with your résumé.
- Really? - Kitchen.
Yeah.
Military man, hmm? Mmm-mmm.
Um, okay.
And this is the employee lounge.
Your uniform: right in here.
Let me know if you need any help putting it on.
Yeah.
Hey, so what's the job? Busboy, uh, dishwasher? Street corner sign spinner.
[hip-hop music] We lookin' fresh when we steppin' in the VIP - Look at us, look at us - Everybody gonna notice we Dressed so fly like an F-16 They stare with they mouth wide open, uh Close your mouth and let me buy your drinks While I kick it with this chick in pink She compliment me on my cufflinks I compliment her on some other things Okay, where all my fresh, fly people on the East Side? Where all my fresh, fly people on the West Side? Where all my fresh, fly people on the South Side? North Side, any side? I'm so fly, yo, they call me Aviator Plush with the finish on my swag out the hangar Known for the hot 16s and the bangers Think I'm 'bout to take that three-piece Off the hanger Hey, Franny.
What is that? Careful.
Here.
- [Debbie straining] - Hey.
[retches] What's going on in here? [retches] Morning sickness.
[Debbie] Snaking the tub.
[grunts] I got it.
That's disgusting! [retches] - Damn.
- [Ingrid] Oh.
I should add "plumber" to my welding résumé.
All right, may I take a shower, please? Yeah.
Hey, do you ever do those things in the saver special? Check for carbon monoxide leaks or clean the dryer vent? [scoffs] No.
Too busy, you know, raising five kids and Frank.
Well, make it quick in there.
Make sure you clean up your hair in the drain after.
Yeah, all right.
[rock music] Debs.
Sorry I snapped at you.
You're doing a good job.
Thanks.
Also, I'm working the lunch shift later, so I'll have money for you today.
Good.
Really helps my morning sickness.
[Ingrid groans] So should we, like, hold hands or something? I don't know.
Your hands get all sweaty? They will now that you asked me like that.
Are you a top or bottom? - Bottom.
- Ah, see, me too.
This will never work.
It's all right.
We're here anyway.
A nursing home? Yeah.
I volunteer here once a month.
Come on, you can help me.
Shit.
Hey, are we gonna be cleaning bedpans or What up, bitches? Tami, Audrey got denture cream in my hair.
Aww, let me see that.
I did not do that.
Tomorrow you'll say you did do it.
Make up your Alzheimer's-y mind.
All right, ladies.
Who's at the bowls first? I've got an assistant today, so we can do two at a time.
- Me.
- Me too.
- What are we doing? - Washing their hair.
We're washing their hair? Yeah.
Watch out for that one.
She's handsy, likes to grab a dick.
Hey.
You all set? Oh.
[upbeat music] Whoo I died when I was born I'm living through this nuclear age This money's running dry Hey.
Hey.
What's up, man? What are you doing? Giving Santiago more of an American look before we go to The Alibi.
Let's get that paper You're losing and I'm winning But who's keeping score Let's get that paper [Liam] You're getting his sister too? Yeah.
Foster people are gonna be dropping her off a little bit later.
There you go.
And the final touch.
Huh? Oh.
Okay.
How's he look? Like a cheesy American.
Nice.
[strumming softly] So you got a lady friend back home? Mm, sure do.
Jasmine Dawn.
Except she kicked me out three years ago.
Strapping young man like you? Yeah, well, I had too many blackouts for her to deal with.
But I become the Hobo Loco Man, though, she gotta take me back, right? As long as she'll settle for runner-up.
Won't have to.
You got loser written all over you.
[Ryan] All right, good afternoon! - [crowd cheering] - [Ryan] Yes, welcome.
Thank you for entering our Hobo Loco Man search Or Hobo Loco Woman, of course.
Yes, ladies.
All right, we have reviewed your applications, and we're ready to announce the 20 contestants.
If your name is called, please come on up to the Hobo Loco porch.
Bethany Houseman! - There's Bethany! - Hey, all right.
Next up, Victor "Nag-high.
" - Victor! My man.
- Yay! - All right.
- Next up: Frank Gallagher! [Ryan] Whoo! Yes! Where is he? - [Dax] Hey, there he is.
- [Ryan] That's Frank.
[Dax] There he is! All right.
Gloria Sweetland.
[crowd cheering] Oh, she's got fans.
[Ryan] Uh-oh.
[Dax] Mikey O'Shea! - Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.
- Yeah.
Yay! We got a competition now.
- Yeah.
- Hola.
[Dax] Next up, Mrs.
O'Coin.
[Ryan] Right.
There she is.
[crowd cheering] [music playing softly over speakers] Oh, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
No means no, Audrey, all right? There you go.
So what boring stuff are you gonna have me do with you today? Uh, gotta buy a new phone charger, some socks, then go grocery shopping.
Debs has us on rotation.
It's my turn.
I can help you get some healthy stuff.
Do you know they actually have produce aisles at the grocery store? Hmm, you don't say.
[Audrey] This feels so good.
It's been a long time since a boy's run his fingers through my hair.
[Audrey moans] Hey, uh, how long you been volunteering here? [Tami] Uh, since beauty school.
My Grandma Peggy used to live here.
Hmm? What'd you say? I wasn't talking to you, Broom Hilda.
I was telling Lip about my Grandma Peggy.
The whore? She fucked your boyfriend one time.
Get over it.
You know, that shit shouldn't matter once you're past 75.
I will never forget.
Okay, well, that's good.
You hold on to that.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
You're smiling at me in that way.
What way? That you like me.
Well, it's kind of hard not to when you're putting rollers in some lady's hair on your day off.
- Oh, whoa.
- Audrey, stop.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Leave him alone.
That's my dick.
[upbeat music playing over speakers] 'Sup, small fry? Saw the sign in the window.
"Help Wanted.
" I need a job.
How old are you? Twenty-five.
Yeah, come back when you're 31.
Okay.
What do you do with those squeezed-out lemons? [Dax] Whoo! [all cheering] Okay, congratulations, hobos.
For the next week, you'll be sleeping in this backyard and be required to drink 16 ounces of Hobo Loco daily.
Each day, you'll be given timed challenges.
Those of you who fail to complete the tasks will be eliminated.
You'll also need to create brand awareness.
You each get a phone and two quarts of Hobo Loco.
Take lots of photos and videos of folks sampling your Hobo Loco.
All right, who's ready for the first challenge? - [all] Yeah! - [Ryan] Yay.
In the spirit of a true hobo, each contestant will forage for their own bedding to sleep on tonight.
You will be judged on creativity and resourcefulness.
- You have one hour.
- [button beeps] All right, let's go out there, start hobo-ing! - [crowd yelling] - [Ryan] Okay! - Frank! - What are you doing? - Come on, Frank! - Get off of me.
No! Wait for me! [flatly] Argh, matey.
Popcorn shrimp is back.
[rock music] Fucking sh Aye, aye, matey.
Popcorn shrimp is back.
[man] Hey, butt pirate, need a soda with your shrimp? Fuck you, douchebag! [man laughs] Fuck.
Aye, aye, matey.
Popcorn shrimp.
Fuck.
When did we plant grass in here? - [Veronica] That's mold.
- [Kev] Ah, fuck.
[Tommy] When'd you guys suddenly get into cleaning? [Veronica] Makes Santiago happy.
Yeah, we're doing stuff he likes.
Hey, uh, Santiago said your girls are trying to murder him.
What? Is that what they were doing this morning? Wait, that's what they were doing this morning? He called them las diablas The devils.
But he's okay with it, because he doesn't want you to send him back.
We're not gonna send him back.
Why would the girls want to murder him? They're not trying to murder anyone.
- They're just playing.
- Maybe they're jealous Sibling rivalry.
[Tommy] Maybe they're just not into having some random brown dude who doesn't speak English living in their house.
- They're brown too.
- Different shade of brown.
Oh, that's crazy.
Just as crazy as white people, who are actually pink, thinking all black people are the same color.
Well, what about brownish white people, like some Italians or Portuguese or Spanish? They can be as brown as Santiago.
They're European brown.
All right, I'm lost.
What are you talking about? Okay, it's real simple.
Your girls are a different brown than Santiago, so they want his different brown to go home where he belongs and leave their brown to get all the good stuff from America.
Are you saying our girls are racist? He's saying Amy and Gemma don't understand what's going on.
What if they want to murder Martina when she shows up? No one's murdering anyone.
- [Kermit] Who's Martina? - Santiago's sister.
If she's the same color brown as him, they're gonna want to murder her.
Oh, shut up, Tommy.
It'd like Kermit said.
They're just jealous.
We're gonna talk to them after school and tell them there's plenty of good stuff in America for all the brown people so they don't have to end up in jail for murdering the different brown people or something like that, right? Hey, I recognize you.
You're that crazy lady's ex-husband.
- Yeah.
Is she here? - Gallaghers don't snitch.
I got a phone app that says she's in there.
Oh, okay.
Make yourself useful and get the door.
All right.
There you go.
[vacuum whirring] Cool if I look around? [Liam] Knock yourself out.
Might be upstairs.
- [Randy] Ingrid? - You fall? - [Ingrid] No.
- [Randy] Ingrid! Just making sure my embryos stay in.
[Randy] Where are you? I'm selling lemonade to make money so I can sleep indoors again.
- [Randy] Ingrid? - [Liam] What the hell are you doing? [Debbie] Vacuuming the lint out of the dryer vents before they catch on fire.
[Randy] Ingrid, where Ingrid.
Ingy.
- What are you doing here? - Dr.
Kwan called me.
She told me you were pregnant.
That's wonderful.
Wonderful? You never wanted me to have children because of my condition.
[Randy] Well, now that you are pregnant, it's a beautiful miracle.
- Let's do this together.
- What? They're not even yours.
They're Frank's.
Yes, but you just met him.
You think he's really committed to having more kids? [Ingrid] Yes.
Yes.
But I'm the one who's always been there for you, and I always will, so let's get you back on your meds and then we'll go for a checkup with Dr.
Kwan.
You're trying to trick me.
You're gonna get me on that exam table and then have Kwan just suck the embryos out of me! No, I won't.
I won't, I promise.
We'll keep two.
We'll have twins.
Wouldn't that be great? Twins? Bullshit.
You don't want my babies.
Frank does.
Frank loves me.
He loves all six of my embryos.
I have a phone patient now, so please go.
Okay, okay.
[sighs] I'll check back in later.
Hey, Debbie.
Randy's wrong.
Frank'll be committed to my six babies, right? [scoffs] Not a chance.
[rock music] What are you on my ass for? Find your own bedding.
This is my spot.
I thought we could make a pact.
Either one of us wins, we split the spokesman money, 50/50.
You trying to hone in on my dough? Or am I trying to give you half of mine, hmm? [scoffs] You're a crafty dude, Mikey O.
I'm a lone wolf.
Go.
Suit yourself.
- Suit yourself.
- Go! Hey, man, don't you Don't you know Your mom don't care Hey, man Jackpot.
Forget what I said [horn honking] [man] Hey, yo! What are you doing in that truck? Get out of there! - [man] Hey! - I-I'm, uh [man] Get back here! Where the fuck do you think you're going? [man] That's what you get! Serves you right, asshole! Yeah, you better keep running! [Frank groans] So was it weird buying actual green things at the grocery store? Hey, I've bought green things before.
Guacamole, Mountain Dew, Jell-O, mint chocolate chip ice cream.
You gonna list every crappy green thing? Yeah, I can go on.
Shamrock shakes.
Green eggs and ham.
Xan? I didn't know where else to go.
Aye, matey! [engine rumbling] Popcorn shrimp is back.
[music blaring over car stereo] Oh, my God.
Check this out.
Gallagher? Shit.
What's up, Little Shins? What, you out here selling? Just popcorn shrimp.
'Cause we took over this corner.
I don't like no competition.
Hey, you won't have any from me.
So how do I know this whole gay pirate shit ain't some front? I've been out of the business for years.
I'm just working at Captain Bob's now.
I got trust issues, man.
What can I say? I'm gonna have to shake your Johnny Depp-looking ass down, - make sure you ain't got no stash.
- Yo, I swear to you, I don't.
Shake him.
Fuck.
They're just shrimp! Put 'em on the battlefields where they're dead [Carl] Come on, put me down, motherfucker! Watch the hat! So what happened? Xan, where's your mom? Don't know.
Here.
I'll make you something to eat.
W-when's the last time you saw her? [Xan] She went to get pizza.
I waited in the motel.
Watched TV and stuff.
What, and she never came back? [somber music] Here you go.
Motel guy kicked me out.
When did this happen? Couple days ago.
Where have you been since then, Xan? Sometimes my mom works at this truck stop.
I just hung out there.
A truck stop? There's a bunch of guys there, but my mom never showed up.
Wait, wait, wait, a bunch of guys? W-what does that mean? They fucking touch you? - [Tami] Chill out.
- No, I'm not gonna chill the fuck out.
Her mother ditched her again! Okay, well, you are scaring her.
I'll give her a bath.
I'll talk to her.
I'll find out if anything happened.
Okay? Okay.
It's okay.
I'm sorry, Xan.
[Todd] Lemonade! Lemonade! Get your fresh lemonade! [Liam] Come get your lemonade.
Let me have one for each one of my guys.
That'll be five bucks.
Keep the change.
- [horn honks] - Thanks.
[truck doors close, engine turns over] [music playing over car stereo] How long are you guys gonna be out here? I don't know.
A while.
I love who you are I love who you are You're blocking my driveway.
Who you are Lemonade! Get your fresh lemonade! [car beeps] Jesus.
Want some lemonade? [country music playing over speakers] Just a Sprite.
Last night fucked with me.
Got a whole new attitude.
- Great.
- Ah, perfect.
Uh, Tina, I got table 41's food for you.
Yeah, okay.
Grilled ham and cheese for you, and the tacos must be for you.
- Enjoy.
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Margo.
- Good afternoon.
What brings you here? Police got a 911 call last night about a possible robbery.
A frantic woman called, saying that three men were threatening her, and she said they left but she was afraid they were gonna come back.
And when the police arrived, the restaurant was closed, which is interesting, since we're open 24 hours.
Maybe they had the wrong address.
Stop.
I don't want your lies, and you smell like booze.
I don't know if you're drunk now or if you just drank so much last night that it's just coming out of your pores.
No, I'm sober.
You're fired.
What? Well, why? I-I haven't had a drink today, I swear.
I've been getting calls for the past month, from customers and vendors and employees, saying that you had been drunk on the job or asleep on the job or angry on the job.
Please don't fire me.
Please.
I-I've had a rough couple months, but-but I've turned a corner.
People who say they've "turned a corner" They haven't turned a corner.
They're just trying to convince everyone they have.
Please give me another chance.
I promise I'll straighten out.
Good.
- You should.
- Yes.
But not on my watch.
You're acting manager now, so you make sure she cleans her things up and leaves.
[scoffs] Fuck all of you.
Ratting me out.
[laughs] If it weren't for me, none of you NA motherfuckers would even have a job.
Mm-hmm.
I wanted to fire you because you suck, but you called me, crying about your mother and her medical bills, and I let you keep your fucking job.
[Eliza] Fiona, I think we should just Shut the fuck up, Eliza.
[laughs] I'm leaving.
Oh, and guess what.
The cook rubbed his dick on all of your meals.
Yeah, enjoy.
[silverware clattering] [man] Can I get the check, please? Fuck this, matey.
[upbeat music playing over speakers] [Lori] What happened to you? I got beat up, shoes thrown at me, I don't even know how many milk shakes and beers.
[sighs] You poor baby.
Come here.
Come here.
Um, yeah, I don't think it's the best idea to be spinning signs out there.
Got any other jobs in here? Are you kidding me? I got a folder full of applicants wanting jobs: people with master's degrees, anthropologists and English majors and useless things like that.
Wow.
Oh, okay.
Besides, you did a great job out there today.
Sales are up 20%.
I'm ordering more popcorn shrimp as we speak.
So you'll be back tomorrow, right? Uh, yeah.
Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sweetie pies, why were you hitting Santiago this morning? 'Cause we don't like him.
Why? Santiago's a good guy.
He leaves now? No, baby, he doesn't leave now.
He's staying here with us.
He's our family.
Oh, fuck.
Girls, is this because Santiago's a different shade of brown than you? Or, girls, is this because you're jealous of Santiago? [Veronica] We need to treat people how we want to be treated.
There are people in this world who want to send brown people like us back to Africa, but we won't stand for it, will we? No.
So we also won't stand for them wanting to send other kinds of brown people back to Central America.
Get it? Let me try.
Uh, snookums, I used to have sibling rivalry with the kids in my foster homes, okay? Especially this one boy, Joey Caccitore.
He used to kiss up to my foster parents all the time, and they would give him extra butterscotch pudding, and I thought that they loved him more, but in reality, they just hated all of us.
- Kev, how is that helping? - I don't know.
I forget that's how the story ended.
- [knock at door] - I'll get it.
Talk about the brown people more.
I think that was helping.
Just because Santiago's here doesn't mean we love you less, and just because he's different doesn't mean that we're gonna get rid of him.
- [Kev] V.
- Yeah? - [Kev] Look who it is.
- Hi.
[Santiago] Martina! [Martina] Santiago! [rock music] [laughs] [Dax] Only 30 seconds left.
What the hell was that? Smacking me with a two by four out there? That's the way we're gonna play this thing? All's fair in love and hobo wars, Frank.
Gauntlet thrown, my friend.
[Ryan] Just got off the phone with the client.
Four Greek councils have signed deals to make Hobo Loco their featured alcoholic beverage at all their fraternity parties.
- We're blowing up.
- Mm-hmm.
The Insta' Story I just posted less than an hour ago already has 100,000 viewers.
- [Ryan laughs] - [buzzer blares] Oh, sorry, Victor.
You've been eliminated.
And then there were 19.
Cardboard amateur.
Bubble wrap.
Nice touch, Frank.
Ooh, but not as clever as insulation and tarp! - [Ryan] Ha! - [Dax] You are the winner - of this challenge, Mikey O.
- [Ryan] Yeah! [Ryan and Dax cheering] [Ryan] All right, let's get out there for our next challenge: dumpster diving for your dinner.
Who thinks they can bring back the best meal? - I can! - Well, let's see! - [button beeps] - Whoo! Go! Go! Go! - Whoo! - [Dax] One hour! Let's go! Don't forget to share your Hobo Loco on social media! We're gonna make the American hobo as famous as Joe Camel.
You did good, coming here.
You know, Lip's a smart guy.
I like him.
He'll figure this out.
Yeah.
But you can't be hanging out at truck stops, right? It's a lot of creepy people out there.
Look, if I saw If I saw a little girl on the street alone, I would want to protect her, make sure she was safe, but there are some bad people out there who'd want to hurt her, maybe say stuff or do stuff to her.
If that ever happened, you can tell me about it.
Hey, I'd listen to anything you have to say, try and make you feel better, or maybe even beat the shit out of that person.
I don't know.
Come on.
Let's go raid Lip's closet and find you something clean to wear.
[rock music] [Ingrid] No, Sally, I didn't say that you were responsible for Lou not remembering your birthday.
I said you were responsible for the way you reacted to Lou not remembering your birthday.
Guess who just got fucking fired! [shushing] Are you shushing me in my own house? She's doing a phone therapy session with her client Sally.
[Fiona] Oh.
Hey, Sally.
Sally, I got all the therapy you could ever need right here! - [Ingrid] Sorry, Sally - What happened? Why'd you get fired? Bullshit this, bullshit that, blah, blah, blah.
So what's your plan now? Gonna hang around here, drinking all day? Oh, no, I-I might eat something too.
What about money? Could you stop whining about money for two seconds, maybe? Brought some popcorn shrimp back from my shitty-ass job.
- [Fiona] Yum.
- I'm turning the furnace on.
Gotta check for carbon monoxide leaks.
[sighs] You need a job, Fiona.
Mm-hmm.
[detector beeps] What the hell? [detector beeps] [detector beeps] [detector beeps] [detector beeps] [detector beeping] [detector beeping] - [gas hissing] - No! Shit! [detector beeping rapidly] Come on.
[beeping continues] - [beeping stops] - [gas hissing] [fabric rips] Fuck.
Help! I'm stuck down here! [Fiona] I'm coming.
I'm coming.
[knocking] I said I'm coming! So, uh, what I'm hearing you say, Sally, is that even though you're still mad at Lou, you are willing to focus on the good things he does.
Sally, your therapist is having a tea party - with stuffed animals.
- [knocking] Door's open.
Yeah? We're looking for Ingrid.
I'm her ex-husband.
This is Dr.
Kwan Oh, I don't give a fuck who you are.
She's right here.
[Ingrid] Yeah, you know, Sally, we will have to continue this later same time next week.
I cannot believe that you betrayed me and brought her here.
[Randy] Ingrid, Dr.
Kwan explained to me that you will bleed out and die if you carry six babies to term.
Then why did you implant all those embryos in me? Because there was only a five percent chance of any of them surviving implantation in your shriveled-up uterus.
So what you're saying is, I'm a medical miracle? You'll be a medical tragedy if you carry all six of those fetuses to term.
I am willing to take my chances.
Ingrid, we are gonna go to Dr.
Kwan's office.
- No.
- She is gonna do - the procedure, and then - No, no, no, no.
I will take you home.
No! Get out of my house! Bitch, if you don't come to my office right now, I will go North Korean on you and reach into your vagina and rip those embryos out of you with my bare hands! - [both shouting] - Doctor, please! She is trying to kill my babies! [grunts exasperatedly] [Randy] Ingrid? [rock music] Ingrid? Oh, crap.
- Ingy.
- [laughing] [Randy] Ingrid? Open this door! - Please.
- [Debbie] Hello? - Is somebody down here? - [Randy] Please! - [Debbie] I'm trapped! - [Randy] Ingrid.
Well, we all feel trapped at some point.
Uh, do you want to talk about it? No, you crazy bitch! It's Debbie! I need to get out of here and turn off the gas before the house blows up! Debbie? Debbie? Help! Help! Somebody help! Debbie? Kelly? My pants are stuck.
[Kelly] Can you take them off? What? Just take off your pants! Oh.
[gas hissing] Uh [grunting] [grunts, pants] - Oh, my God.
- [laughs] [sighs] [laughs, sighs] - [energetic rock music] - Nice ass.
[laughs] Let's get that gas turned off.
And I got what you need Sing hallelujah, I'll make you believe 'Cause you do what I do and I do me Thank you for dinner, fancy French restaurant.
Oh, yeah! Any escargots in here? Here we go, here we go [Mikey] Whoa! Hey! Come on! Hey! All's fair, Mikey O.
All's fair.
[Mikey] Come on, now! Come on! Aww! [smooth music playing over speakers] Boredom, boredom, boredom, boredom Boredom, boredom, boredom Boy my bedroom floor is a cereal burial What's going on, fellas? Nothing.
Just selling lemonade.
Neighbor said there was a disturbance.
Yeah, Officer, I called.
That was me.
Seems to be the problem? [Clancy] These kids are up to no good.
They are making way too much noise, okay? They are getting water on my car.
[Todd] Noise? That's Tyler the Creator.
They don't belong here, sir.
We live two streets over.
Well, I mean, do you have a-a permit to operate a food stand in front of my house? Ask them, sir.
Do they? You need a permit to sell lemonade? [indistinct police radio chatter] Eighty-three-ten will respond.
Move the lemonade stand down the street and turn down the music.
Wait, sir, that's it? What do you want me to do, lady? Shut them down.
I just got my car washed.
[sighs] You know what? Looks like y'all made enough money.
Why don't you close up shop for the day? What? Why? Just do it.
[sighs] It's not worth the aggravation.
Here's 20 bucks.
Get yourself a permit.
Got some cars I can handle But nowhere for performance Well, you heard the man.
Shut the shit down.
But I hate eating solo Need someone we can loiter in parking lots And sunsets at the border, yeah Ringy-dingy-dong, I can't be alone I been starting to feel [music stops] This is great.
Big family dinner.
This is exactly what I wanted.
Are you enjoying the food, Martina? Better than what they had in the holding cell.
Oh.
I am so sorry they put you there.
This is not what America's normally like.
I thought you were supposed to be the greatest country in the world.
You caught us at a bad time.
Hey, what do you say we, um, finish up dinner and watch some TV? Hmm? You guys have Pawn Stars in Guatemala? Uh, we cannot stay after dinner.
We have to go back.
Back? To the detention center? To Guatemala.
We go tonight with our uncle.
Your uncle? Jose Gomez? Our father was deported, so we have to go back to be with him.
Deported? I'm so sorry.
[Martina] Sí.
Thank you for offering to foster us, but your country no longer wants the tired and poor, yearning to be free, like the big green lady in the New York Harbor says.
Big green lady? Statue of Liberty.
She's been napping a long time.
Probably hasn't slept in days.
Yeah, you know, you can go if you want.
Are you giving me permission? No.
No, I just mean if this is too much to deal with, you know, I understand.
You really think I do anything I don't want to do? No, probably not.
Damn right.
[visceral squelching, bludgeoning sounds on TV] Got you.
Yes.
Hi.
Hey, buddy.
What's up? Some lady called the cops on me.
What'd you do? Nothing, just selling lemonade in front of her house.
Said we got water on her fancy car.
What lady? Over on Bundy.
The one who bought Mr.
Reeback's house and redid it? Uh-huh.
Who were you with? Some friends from school, Todd and De-shawn.
Black kids? Yeah.
Motherfucker.
Yo! [indistinct chatter] We're not gonna eat this stuff, right? Oh, no, hell no.
We're gonna Fear Factor this shit.
[Mikey] I made it! - I made it.
- [buzzer blares] Shit.
Damn it.
Can't keep this player from the game, Frank.
How did you get out? Garbage truck came by.
Dumped me in the back.
It was rough, but a pile of old Big Macs broke my fall.
[Ryan] All right, welcome back.
We'll now go around and take our pick for the dumpster dive competition.
Sushi, huh? Brave choice.
[rock music] Hey! You know that new bitch over on Bundy? Yeah, she pulled some racist shit on my brother Liam, so block party.
Come on.
Hit 'em where it hurts Get out now and leave me in the dirt Hey, Mr.
Jackson.
We're throwing a new racist neighbor a welcome party.
Bring your pit bull.
[Mr.
Jackson] Come on, boy.
Let's go.
I'm making a comeback [crowd cheering] You gotta believe that I'm making a comeback Oh, yeah Welcome to the South Side, bitch! [crowd cheering] I'm making a comeback You sure you want to do this? [Martina] Sí.
[speaking Spanish] Hello.
[speaking Spanish] Uncle Jose, thank you so much for coming.
- [speaking Spanish] How are you? - [speaking Spanish] Good.
I have no idea what he said.
It was good.
He smiled.
There goes my son.
[hip-hop music playing over speakers] I have called the police.
They are on their way.
You are disturbing the peace.
Hey, lady.
That was my brother with the lemonade stand.
- What? - That's right.
I got a black brother.
What? That's why you didn't want him near your house, right? 'Cause he's black? Okay, you need to go home.
Some of us have jobs.
You know, I lived in this neighborhood my whole life.
Kids have always sold lemonade right here.
Black kids, white kids, Russian kids, Mexican kids.
Would you get away from my fence? Nobody ever had a problem with lemonade stands until all of you bougie, yoga-loving, latte-sipping, ankle tattoo-wearing, racist assholes moved into our neighborhood, so your fence? Fuck your fence.
- [blow lands] - [crowd gasps] - [siren blips] - [growls] Ah, shit! [police officer] Hey! [rock music] [crowd booing] Well, I'm about to explode Let it out, let it go And if you're down for the show I got something I've been keeping secret Shown never before 'Bout to kick in the door I know you want it some more But I've got no time left for tongue in cheek and I've got, got, got to let it out Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh I've got, got, got to Video of the food challenge went viral.
Over 400,000 views.
People are doing something called the "Hobo Dragon.
" [Ryan laughs] We are totally getting promoted after this.
[paramedic 1] Another alcohol poisoning inside? [paramedic 2] Yeah, fourth one today.
I've got, got, got to let it out Let it out, let it out, let it out - Ooh, ooh - Oh, oh, oh - Ooh, ooh - Oh, oh, oh