Sherlock s03e03 Episode Script
His Last Vow
1 Mr Magnussen, please state your full name for the record.
Charles Augustus Magnussen.
Mr Magnussen, how would you describe your influence over the Prime Minister? The British Prime Minister? Any of the British Prime Ministers you have known.
I never had the slightest influence over any of them.
Why would I? I notice you've had seven meetings at Downing Street this year.
Why? Because I was invited.
Can you recall the subjects under discussion? Not without being more indiscreet than I believe is appropriate.
Do you think it right that a newspaper proprietor, a private individual, and in fact a foreign national, should have such regular access to our Prime Minister? I don't think it's wrong that a private individual should accept an invitation.
However, you have my sincere apologies for being foreign.
That's not what I meant.
That is not in any way Mr Magnussen, can you recall an occasion when your remarks could have influenced government policy? Or the Prime Minister's thinking in any way? No.
Are you sure? I have an excellent memory.
Your car is waiting outside See you tomorrow.
May I join you? I don't think it's appropriate.
It isn't.
Mr Magnussen, outside the inquiry, we can have no contact, no communication at all.
Please don't do that.
In 1982, your husband corresponded with Helen Catherine Driscoll.
That was before I knew him.
The letters were lively, loving some would say explicit.
And currently in my possession.
Will you please move your hand? "I long, my darling, to know the touch of your body.
" I know what was in the letters.
She was 15.
She looked older.
Oh, she looked delicious.
We have photographs too.
The ones she sent him.
Yum-yum.
He was unaware of her age.
He met her only once before the letters began.
When he discovered the truth, he stopped immediately.
Those are the facts.
Facts are for history books.
I work in news.
Your hand is sweating.
Always, I'm afraid.
I have a condition.
It's disgusting.
I'm used to it.
The whole world is wet to my touch.
I will call someone, I will have you removed.
What is that? Claire de la Lune? A bit young for you, isn't it? You want to hit me now? Could you, still? Little old lady now.
Perhaps you should settle for calling someone.
Well, go on.
No? Because now there are consequences.
I have the letters and therefore I have you.
This is blackmail.
Of course it isn't blackmail.
This is ownership.
You do not own me.
Claire de la Lune.
It never tastes like it smells, does it? Lady Smallwood's bill is on me.
See to it.
Yes, Mr Magnussen.
Oh, God! Oh! You all right, ma'am? Fine, yes.
Magnussen! No-one stands up to him.
No-one dares, no-one even tries.
There isn't a man or woman in England capable of stopping that disgusting creature Ma'am? Turn the car around.
We're going back into town.
Turn around.
Where are we going, ma'am? Baker Street.
'You've seen a lot of injuries, then? Violent deaths?' 'Enough for a lifetime.
' 'Want to see some more?' 'Oh, God, yes.
' 'The game is on.
' I know it's early.
Really, I'm sorry.
Is that Kate? Yeah, it's Kate.
Invite her in? Er, sorry, yes, do you want to come in, Kate? Hey! It's hard.
There you go.
It's Isaac.
Oh, your husband? Son.
Son, yeah.
He's gone missing again.
Didn't come home last night.
The usual.
He's the drugs one, yeah? Er, yeah, nicely put, John.
But is it Sherlock Holmes you want? Because I've not seen him in ages.
About a month.
Who is Sherlock Holmes? See, that does happen.
There's a place they all go to, him and his friends.
They all do whatever they do.
Shoot up, whatever you call it.
Where is he? It's a house, it's a dump.
It's practically falling down.
No, the address? Where, exactly? Seriously? Why not? She's not going to the police, someone's got to get him.
Why you? I'm being neighbourly.
Since when? Ha, since now.
Since this exact minute.
Why are you being so? What? I don't know, what's the matter with you? There is NOTHING the matter with me.
Imagine I said that without shouting.
I'm trying.
No, you can't come, you're pregnant.
You can't go, I'm pregnant! What is that?! It's a tyre lever.
Why? Cos there were loads of smackheads in there and one of them might need help with a tyre.
If there's any trouble, just go, I'll be fine.
John, John, John, John It is a tiny bit sexy.
Yeah, I know.
Hello? What do you want? Excuse me.
Oh, no, you can't come in here! I'm looking for a friend.
A very specific friend.
I'm not just browsing.
You've got to go.
No-one's allowed here.
Isaac Whitney, you seen him? I'm asking you if you've seen Isaac Whitney and now you're showing me a knife.
Is it a clue? Are you doing a mime? Go.
Or I'll cut you.
Oh, not from there.
Let me help.
Now, concentrate.
Isaac Whitney? OK, you asked for it.
Agh! Ohh! Right.
Are you concentrating yet? You broke my arm! No, I sprained it.
It feels squishy.
Is it supposed to feel squishy? Feel that! Yeah, it's a sprain.
I'm a doctor, I know how to sprain people.
Now where is Isaac Whitney? I don't know! Maybe upstairs.
There you go.
Wasn't that easy? No, it was really sore.
Mental, you are! No, just used to a better class of criminal.
Isaac? Isaac Whitney? Isaac? Hello, mate.
Sit up for me, sit up.
Dr Watson? Yep.
Where am I? Arse-end of the universe with the scum of the earth.
Look at me.
Have you come for me? Do you think I know a lot of people here? Hey, all right? Oh, hello, John.
Didn't expect to see you here.
Come for me too? Hello, Isaac.
Mrs Watson, can I, can I get in, please? Yes, of course, get in.
Where's John? They're having a fight.
Who is?! For God sakes, John, I'm on a case! A month.
That's all it took.
One! I'm working.
"Sherlock Holmes in a drug den.
" How's that going to look?! I'm undercover.
No, you're not! Well, I'm not now! In, both of you, quickly! Please, can I come? I think I've got a broken arm.
No, go away.
No, let him.
Why? Yeah, just get in.
It's a sprain.
Anyone else? I mean, are we taking everybody home, are we? All right, Shezza? "Shezza"? I WAS undercover! Seriously, Shezza, though? We're not going home, we're going to Bart's.
I'm calling Molly.
Why? Because Sherlock Holmes needs to pee in a jar.
Well? Is he clean? Clean? How dare you throw away the beautiful gifts you were born with! And how dare you betray the love of your friends! Say you're sorry.
Sorry your engagement's over.
Though I'm fairly grateful for the lack of a ring.
Stop it.
Just stop it! If you were anywhere near this kind of thing again, you could have called, you could have talked to me.
Please, do relax.
This is all for a case.
What kind of case would need you doing this? I might as well ask you why you've started cycling to work? No, we're not playing this game.
Quite recently, I'd say, you're very determined about it.
Not interested.
I am.
Ow! Oh, sorry, you moved, but it is just a sprain.
Yeah, somebody hit me.
Huh? Yeah, just some guy.
Yeah, it was probably just an addict in need of a fix.
Yes, I think in a way it was.
Is it his shirt? I'm sorry? Well, it's the creases, isn't it? The two creases down the front.
It's been recently folded, but it's not new.
You must have dressed in a hurry this morning.
So all your shirts must be kept like that.
But why? Maybe cos you cycle to work every morning, shower when you get there and then dress in the clothes you brought with you.
You keep your shirts folded, ready to pack.
Not bad.
And I further deduce you've only started recently because you've got a bit of chafing.
No, he's always walked like that.
Remind me, what's your name again? They call me the Wig.
No, they don't.
Well, they they call me Wiggy.
Nope.
Bill.
Bill Wiggins.
Nice observational skills, Billy.
Ah, finally! Finally what? Good news? Oh, excellent news, the best.
There's every chance that my drug habit might hit the newspapers.
The game is on.
Excuse me for a second.
You've heard of Charles Augustus Magnussen, of course? Yeah.
Owns some newspapers.
Ones I don't read.
Hang on, weren't there other people? Mary's taking the boys home, I'm taking you, we did discuss it.
People were talking, none of them were me, I must have filtered.
I noticed.
I have to filter out a lot of witless babble.
I've got Mrs Hudson on semi-permanent mute.
What is my brother doing here? So I'll just pay, then, shall I? He's straightened the knocker.
He always corrects it, it's OCD, doesn't even know he's doing it.
Why do you do that? Do what? Nothing.
Well then, Sherlock, back on the sauce? What are you doing here? I phoned him.
The siren call of old habits.
How very like Uncle Rudy.
Though in many ways, cross-dressing would have been a wiser path for you.
You phoned him.
Of course I bloody phoned him.
Of course he bloody did.
Now save me a little time - where should we be looking? "We"? Mr Holmes? For God's sake! Anderson?! Sorry, Sherlock, it's for your own good.
Oh, that's him, isn't it? You said he'd be taller.
Some members of your little fan club.
Do be polite.
They're entirely trustworthy and even willing to search through the toxic waste dump that you are pleased to call a flat.
You're a celebrity these days, Sherlock.
You can't afford a drug habit.
- I do not have a drug habit.
- Hey, what happened to my chair? It was blocking my view to the kitchen.
Well, it's good to be missed! You were gone, I saw an opportunity.
No, you saw the kitchen.
What have you found so far? Clearly, nothing.
There's nothing to find! Your bedroom door is shut.
You haven't been home all night.
So, why would a man who has never knowingly closed a door without the direct orders of his mother bother to do so on this occasion? OK, stop, just stop! Point made.
Jesus, Sherlock! I shall have to phone our parents, of course.
In Oklahoma.
It won't be the first time that your substance abuse has wreaked havoc with their line dancing.
This is not what you think.
This is for a case.
What case could possibly justify this? Magnussen.
Charles Augustus Magnussen.
That name you think you may have just heard, you were mistaken.
If you ever mention hearing that name in this room, in this context, I guarantee you, on behalf of the British Security Services, that materials will be found on your computer hard-drives, resulting in your immediate incarceration.
Don't reply, just look frightened and scuttle.
I hope I won't have to threaten you as well.
Well, I think we'd both find that embarrassing.
Magnussen is not your business.
Oh, you mean he's yours? You may consider him under my protection.
I consider you under his thumb.
If you go against Magnussen, then you will find yourself going against me.
OK.
I'll let you know if I notice.
Um, what was I going to say? Oh, yeah.
Bye-bye.
Unwise, brother mine.
Ohh! Ugh! Brother mine don't appal me when I'm high.
Mycroft, don't say another word, just go.
He could snap you in two and right now, I'm slightly worried that he might.
Don't speak, just leave.
Oh.
Er, Magnussen? What time is it? About eight.
I'll be meeting him in three hours.
I need a bath.
It's for a case, you say? Yep.
What sort of case? Too big and dangerous for any sane individual to get involved in.
You trying to put me off? God, no.
Trying to recruit you.
And stay out of my bedroom.
Oh, John, hi.
How are you? Janine? Sorry, not dressed.
Has everybody gone? I heard shouting.
Yes, they're gone.
God, look at the time.
I'll be late.
It sounded like an argument.
Was it Mike? Mike? Mike, yeah.
His brother, Mike.
They're always fighting.
Mycroft.
Do people actually call him that? Yeah.
Huh! Oh, could you be a love and put some coffee on? Sure, right, yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, how is Mary? How's married life? She's fine.
We're both fine.
Yeah.
Oh, it's over there now.
Where's Sherl? (Sherl!) Er, he's just having a bath.
I'm sure he'll be out in a minute.
Oh, like he ever is! Yeah.
Morning.
Room for a little one? Morning.
Ooh! So, it's just a guess, but you've probably got some questions? Yeah, one or two.
Pretty much.
Naturally.
You have a girlfriend? Yes, I have.
Now, Magnussen.
Magnussen is like a shark.
It's the only way I can describe him.
Have you ever been to the shark tank at the London Aquarium, John? Stood up close to the glass? Those floating, flat faces, those dead eyes.
That's what he is.
I've dealt with murderers, psychopaths, terrorists, serial killers.
None of them can turn my stomach like Charles Augustus Magnussen.
Yes, you have? Sorry, what? You have a girlfriend? What? Yes, yes, I'm going out with Janine.
I thought that was fairly obvious.
Yes.
Well, yes.
You You You are in a relationship? Yes, I am.
You and Janine? Hmm.
Yes, me and Janine.
Care to elaborate? Well, we're in a good place.
It's, um very affirming.
You got that from a book.
Everyone got that from a book.
OK, you two bad boys.
Behave yourselves.
You, Sherl, you're going to have to tell me where you were last night.
Working.
Working? Of course.
I'm the only one who really knows what you're like, remember? Well, don't you go letting on.
I might just, actually.
I haven't told Mary about this.
I kind of wanted to surprise her.
Yeah, I think you probably will.
But we should have you two over for dinner, really soon.
Yeah.
My place though, not the scuzz-dump.
Great, yeah.
Dinner, yeah.
I'd better dash.
It was brilliant to see you.
You too.
Have a lovely day.
Call me later.
I might do.
I might call you.
Unless I meet someone prettier.
Solve me a crime, Sherlock Holmes.
You know Magnussen as a newspaper owner, but he is so much more than that.
He uses his power and wealth to gain information.
The more he acquires, the greater his wealth and power.
And I'm not exaggerating when I say that he knows the critical pressure point on every person of note or influence in the whole of the Western World and probably beyond.
He is the Napoleon of blackmail.
And he has created an unassailable architecture of forbidden knowledge.
Its name is Appledore.
Dinner? Sorry, what dinner? Me and Mary coming for dinner with wine and sitting.
Seriously? I have just told you that the Western World is run from this house and you want to talk about dinner? Fine.
Talk about the house.
It is the greatest repository of sensitive and dangerous information anywhere in the world, the Alexandrian Library of secrets and scandals and none of it is on a computer.
He's smart.
Computers can be hacked.
It's all on hard copy, in vaults, underneath that house.
And as long as it is, the personal freedom of anyone you've ever met is a fantasy.
That was the doorbell.
Couldn't you hear it? It's in the fridge.
It kept ringing.
Oh, that's not a fault, Sherlock! Who is it? Mr Holmes said you can go right up.
Oh.
Go ahead.
Sir? Can I have a moment? He's fine.
Look, I Right.
I should probably tell you OK, I There.
Doesn't mean I'm not pleased to see you.
I can vouch for this man.
He is a doctor.
If you know who I am, then you know who he is.
Don't you, Mr Magnussen? I understood we were meeting at YOUR office.
This is my office.
Well, it is now.
Mr Magnussen, I have been asked to intercede with you by Lady Elizabeth Smallwood on the matter of her husband's letters.
Some time ago you put pressure on her concerning those letters.
She would like those letters back.
Obviously, the letters no longer have any practical use to you, so with that in mind Something I said? No, no.
I was reading.
There's rather a lot.
Redbeard? Sorry.
Sorry, you were probably talking.
I I was trying to explain that I have been asked to act on behalf of Bathroom? Along from the kitchen, sir.
OK.
I've been asked to negotiate the return of those letters.
I am aware you do not make copies of sensitive documents.
Is it like the rest of the flat? Sir? The bathroom? Yes, sir.
Maybe not then.
Am I acceptable to you as an intermediary? Lady Elizabeth Smallwood I like her.
Mr Magnussen, am I acceptable to you as an intermediary? She's English with a spine.
Best thing about the English you're so domesticated.
All standing around, apologising keeping your little heads down.
You can do what you like here.
No-one's ever going to stop you.
A nation of herbivores.
I have interests all over the world but everything starts in England.
If it works here I try it in a real country.
The United Kingdom, Petri dish to the Western World.
Tell Lady Elizabeth I might need those letters so I'm keeping them.
Goodbye.
Anyway they're funny.
Jesus! Did you notice the one extraordinary thing he did? There was a moment that kind of stuck in the mind, yeah.
Exactly.
When he showed us the letters.
OK.
So, he's brought the letters to London, so no matter what he says, he's ready to make a deal.
Now, Magnussen only makes a deal once he's established a person's weaknesses, the pressure point, he calls it.
So, clearly he believes I'm a drug addict and no serious threat.
And of course, because he's in town tonight, the letters will be in his safe in his London office while he's out to dinner with the Marketing Group of GB from seven till ten.
How do you know his schedule? Because I do.
I'll see you tonight.
I've got some shopping to do.
What's tonight? I'll text instructions.
Yeah, I'll text YOU if I'm available.
You are, I checked.
Don't bring a gun.
Why would I bring a gun? Or a knife or a tyre lever.
Probably best not to do any arm-spraining, but we'll see how the night goes.
Are you just assuming I'm coming along? Time you got out of the house, John.
You've put on 7lbs since you married and the cycling isn't doing it.
It's actually 4lbs.
Mary and I think seven.
See you later.
And breaking news now.
John Garvie MP has been arrested today on charges of corruption.
This follows an investigation Magnussen's office is on the top floor, just below his private flat.
There are 14 layers of security between us and him, two of which aren't even legal in this country.
Want to know how we're going to break in? Is that what we're doing? Of course it's what we're doing.
Magnussen's private lift.
Goes straight to his penthouse and office.
Only he uses it and only his keycard calls the lift.
If anyone else even tries, security is automatically informed.
Standard keycard for the building.
Nicked it yesterday.
Only gets us as far as the canteen.
Here we go then.
If I was to use this card on that lift now, what happens? Well, the alarms would go off and you'd be dragged away by security.
Exactly.
Get taken to a small room somewhere and your head kicked in.
Do we really need so much colour? It passes the time.
But if I do this If you press a keycard against your mobile phone for long enough, it corrupts the magnetic strip.
The card stops working.
It's a common problem.
Never put your keycard with your phone.
What happens if I use the card now? It still doesn't work.
But it doesn't read as the wrong card now.
It registers as corrupted.
But if it's corrupted, how do they know it's not Magnussen? Would they risk dragging him off? Probably not.
So, what do they do? What do they have to do? Check if it's him or not.
There's a camera at eye height to the right of the door.
A live picture of the card user is relayed directly to Magnussen's personal staff in his office, the only people trusted to make a positive ID.
At this hour, almost certainly his PA.
So, how does that help us? Human error.
I've been shopping.
Here we go then.
You realise you don't exactly look like Magnussen? Which in this case is a considerable advantage.
Sherlock, you complete loon.
What are you doing?! Hang on, was that? Hi, Janine.
Go on, let me in.
I can't.
You know I can't.
Don't be silly.
Don't make me do it out here.
Not in front of everyone.
Do what in front of everyone? You see, as long as there's people, there's always a weak spot.
That was Janine.
Yes, of course it was.
She's Magnussen's PA.
That's the whole point.
Did you just get engaged to break into an office? Yeah.
Stroke of luck meeting her at your wedding.
You can take some of the credit.
Jesus! Sherlock, she loves you.
Yes.
Like I said, human error.
What are you going to do? Well, not actually marry her, obviously.
There's only so far you can go.
So, what will you tell her? Well, I'll tell her that our entire relationship was a ruse to break into her boss's office.
I imagine she'll want to stop seeing me at that point, but you're the expert on women.
So, where did she go? That's a bit rude.
I just proposed to her.
Sherlock.
Did she faint? Do they really do that?! It's a blow to the head.
She's breathing.
Janine? Another in here.
Security.
Does he need help? Ex-con.
White supremacist by the tattoos, so who cares? Stick with Janine.
Janine, focus on my voice.
Can you hear me? Hey, they must still be here.
So is Magnussen.
His seat's still warm.
He should be at dinner, but he's still in the building.
Upstairs.
We should call the police.
During our own burglary? You're really not a natural at this, are you? No, wait.
Sssh.
Perfume and not Janine's.
Claire de la Lune.
Why do I know it? Mary wears it.
No, not Mary.
Somebody else.
Sherlock! What would your husband think? Your lovely husband, upright and honourable, so English.
What would he say to you now? No, no! You're doing this to protect him from the truth? Well, is this the protection he would want? Additionally, if you're going to commit murder, you might consider changing your perfume, Lady Smallwood.
Sorry.
Who? That's not Lady Smallwood, Mr Holmes.
Is John with you? He's, um Is John here? He's downstairs.
So, what do you do now? Kill us both? Mary, whatever he's got on you, let me help.
Oh, Sherlock, if you take one more step, I swear I will kill you.
No, Mrs Watson you won't.
I'm sorry, Sherlock.
I truly am.
Mary? It's not like it is in the movies.
There's not a great big spurt of blood and you go flying backwards.
The impact isn't spread over a wide area.
It's tightly focused so there's little or no energy transfer.
You stay still and the bullet pushes through.
You're almost certainly going to die, so we need to focus.
I said, "Focus!" It's all well and clever having a mind palace, but you've only three seconds of consciousness left to use it.
So, come on.
What's going to kill you? Blood loss.
Exactly.
So, it's all about one thing now - forwards or backwards? We need to decide which way you're going to fall.
One hole or two? Sorry? Is the bullet still inside you? Or is there an exit wound? It'll depend on the gun.
That one, I think.
Or that one.
Oh, for God's sake, Sherlock.
It doesn't matter about the gun.
Don't be stupid.
You always were so stupid.
Such a disappointment.
I'm not stupid.
You're a very stupid little boy.
Mummy and Daddy are very cross because it doesn't matter about the gun.
Why not? You saw the whole room when you entered it.
What was directly behind you when you were murdered? I've not been murdered YET.
Balance of probability, little brother.
If the bullet had passed through you, what would you have heard? The mirror shattering.
You didn't.
Therefore? The bullet's still inside me.
So we need to take him down backwards.
I agree.
Sherlock, you need to fall on your back.
Right now the bullet is the cork in a bottle.
The bullet itself is blocking most of the blood flow.
But any pressure or impact on the entrance wound could dislodge it.
Plus, on your back, gravity's working for us.
Fall now.
What the hell is that?! What's happening?! You're going into shock.
It's the next thing that's going to kill you.
What do I do? Don't go into shock, obviously.
Must be something in this ridiculous memory palace of yours that can calm you down.
Find it.
The East Wind is coming, Sherlock.
It's coming to get you.
Find it.
Hello, Redbeard.
Here, boy.
Come on.
Come to me.
It's OK.
It's all right.
Come on.
It's me.
It's me.
Come on.
Good boy.
Clever boy.
Good boy.
Hello, Redbeard.
They're putting me down too now.
It's no fun, is it? Redbeard.
That was shock.
You're going to feel the pain.
There's a hole ripped through you.
Massive internal bleeding.
You have to control the pain.
Control.
Control.
Control.
You You never felt pain, did you? Why did you never feel pain? You always feel it, Sherlock.
But you don't have to fear it! Pain heartbreak loss death it's all good.
It's all good.
Sherlock! Sherlock.
Can you hear me? What happened? He got shot.
Jesus! Sherlock.
Oh, my! Who shot him?! 'Emergency.
Which service do you require?' It's raining It's pouring Sherlock is boring I'm laughing I'm crying Sherlock is dying.
Sherlock! We're losing you.
Sherlock! Come on, Sherlock.
Just die, why can't you? One little push and off you pop.
You're going to love being dead, Sherlock.
No-one ever bothers you.
Mrs Hudson will cry and Mummy and Daddy will cry and the woman will cry and John will cry buckets and buckets.
It's him that I worry about the most.
That wife! You're letting him down, Sherlock.
John Watson is definitely in danger.
Oh, you're not getting better, are you? Was it something I said, huh? Sherlock! Mary.
Hey.
He's only bloody woken up.
He's pulled through.
Really? Yeah.
Seriously? You Mrs Watson, you're in big trouble.
Really? Why? His first word when he woke up "Mary.
" You don't tell him.
Sherlock? You don't tell John.
Bad girl.
Bad, bad girl.
Look at me and tell me you're not going to tell him.
I'm buying a cottage.
I've made a lot of money out of you, mister.
Nothing hits the spot like revenge with profits.
You didn't give those stories to Magnussen, did you? God, no.
One of his rivals.
He was spitting.
Hmm.
Sherlock Holmes, you are a back-stabbing, heartless, manipulative bastard.
And you, as it turns out, are a grasping, opportunistic, publicity-hungry, tabloid whore.
So, we're good then? Yeah, of course.
Where's the cottage? Sussex Downs.
Nice.
It's gorgeous.
There's beehives, but I'm getting rid of those.
Oh, it hurts, does it? Probably want to restart your morphine.
I might have fiddled with the taps.
How much more revenge are you going to need? Just the occasional top-up.
Dream come true for you, this place.
They actually attach the drugs to you.
Not good for working.
You won't be working for a while, Sherl.
You lied to me.
You lied and lied.
I exploited the fact of our connection.
When? Just once would have been nice.
Oh.
I was waiting till we got married.
That was never going to happen.
Got to go.
I'm not supposed to keep you talking.
And also, I have an interview with The One Show and I haven't made it up yet.
Just one thing you shouldn't have lied to me.
I know what kind of man you are, but we could have been friends.
I'll give your love to John and Mary.
You don't tell him.
You don't tell John.
So Mary Watson who are you? Mary Watson.
I don't know how much sense you'll get out of him.
He's drugged up, so he's pretty much babbling.
Oh, they won't let you use that in here, you know? No, I'm not going to use the phone.
I just want to take a video.
Oh, Jesus! So, where would he go? Oh, Christ knows! Try finding Sherlock in London.
He's got three known bolt-holes.
Parliament Hill, Camden Lock and Dagmar Court.
Five known bolt holes.
There's the blind greenhouse in Kew Gardens and the leaning tomb in Hampstead Cemetery.
Just the spare bedroom.
Well, my bedroom.
We agreed he needs the space.
Behind the clock face of Big Ben.
I think he was probably joking.
No, I don't think so.
Leinster Gardens.
It's his number one bolt hole.
Top, top secret.
He only knows about it cos he stalked him one night.
Followed! Followed, yeah.
He knew who shot him.
The bullet wound was here, so he was facing whoever it was.
So, why not tell us? Because he's tracking them down himself.
Or protecting them.
Protecting the shooter, why? Well, protecting someone then.
But why would he care? He's Sherlock.
Who would he bother protecting? Call me if you hear anything.
Don't hold out on me, John.
Call me, OK? Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Good night then.
Bye then.
John, need a cuppa? Mrs Hudson, why does Sherlock think that I'll be moving back in here? Oh, yes, he's put your chair back again, hasn't he? That's nice.
It looks much better.
John, what's wrong? Tell me.
John? That's your phone, isn't it? It's Sherlock, John.
Sherlock.
John, you have to answer it! Spare any change, love? No.
Oh, come on, love.
Don't be like all the rest.
Rule one of looking for Sherlock Holmes, he finds you.
You're working for Sherlock now? Keeps me off the streets, doesn't it? Well no.
Where are you? 'Can't you see me?' Well, what am I looking for? 'The lie, the lie of Leinster Gardens, hidden in plain sight.
'Hardly anyone notices.
People live here for years and never see it.
'But if you are what I think you are, it will take you less than a minute.
'The houses, Mary.
Look at the houses.
' How did you know I'd come here? 'I knew you'd talk to the people no-one else would bother with.
' Huh, I thought I was being clever.
'You're always clever, Mary, I was relying on that.
'I planted the information for you to find.
' Ohh! '30 seconds.
' But what am I looking at? 'No door knobs, no letterbox.
Painted windows.
'23 and 24 Leinster Gardens.
'The empty houses.
'They were demolished years ago to make way for the London Underground, 'a vent for the old steam trains.
'Only the very front section of the house remains.
' 'It's just a facade.
'Remind you of anyone, Mary? 'A facade? 'Sorry, I never could resist a touch of drama.
'Do come in.
It's a little cramped.
' Do you own this place? 'Hmm, I won it in a card game with the Clarence House Cannibal.
'Nearly cost me my kidneys, but fortunately I had a straight flush.
'Quite a gambler, that woman.
' What do you want, Sherlock? 'Mary Morstan was stillborn in October 1972.
'Her gravestone is in Chiswick cemetery, where five years ago 'you acquired her name and date of birth, and thereafter her identity.
'That's why you don't have friends from before that date.
' Need to work on your half of the church, Mary.
Looking a bit thin.
Oh, orphan's lot.
Friends, that's all I have.
'It's an old enough technique, known to the kinds of people 'who could recognise a skip code on sight' At first I thought it was just a Bible thing, spam, but it's not.
It's a skip code.
'.
.
Have extraordinarily retentive memories.
' How can you not remember which room? You remember everything! I have to delete something! 207.
You were very slow.
'How good a shot are you?' How badly do you want to find out? 'If I die here, my body would be found in a building 'with your face projected on the front of it.
'Even Scotland Yard could get somewhere with that.
'I want to know how good you are.
'Go on, show me.
'The doctor's wife must be a little bit bored by now.
' May I see? Huh, it's a dummy.
Well, I suppose that was a fairly obvious trick.
And yet, over a distance of six feet, you failed to make a kill shot.
Enough to hospitalise me, not enough to kill me.
That wasn't a miss, that was surgery.
I'll take the case.
What case? Yours.
Why didn't you come to me in the first place? Because John can't ever know that I lied to him.
It would break him and I would lose him forever.
And Sherlock, I will never let that happen.
Please, understand, there is nothing in this world I would not do to stop that happening.
Sorry.
Not that obvious a trick.
Now talk and sort it out and do it quickly.
"Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" Oh, dear God, it's only two o'clock.
It's been Christmas Day for at least a week now.
How can it only be two o'clock? I'm in agony.
Mikey, is this your laptop? Upon which depends the security of the free world, yes, and you've got potatoes on it! You shouldn't leave it lying around if it's so important.
Why are we doing this? We never do this.
We are here because Sherlock is home from hospital and we are all very happy.
Am I happy too? I haven't checked.
Behave, Mike! Mycroft is the name you gave me, if you could possibly struggle all the way to the end.
Mrs Holmes.
Oh, thank you, dear.
I'm not absolutely sure why you're here.
I invited him.
I'm his protege, Mrs Holmes.
When he dies, I get all his stuff and his job.
No.
Oh, well, I help out a bit.
Closer.
If he does get murdered or something Probably stop talking now.
OK.
Lovely when you bring your friends round(!) Stop it, you.
Somebody's put a bullet in my boy.
If I ever find out who, I shall turn absolutely monstrous.
This was for Mary.
I'll be back in a minute.
Ah.
Mary.
There you are.
Cup of tea.
If Father starts making little humming noises, just give him a little poke.
That usually does it.
Did you write this? Oh, that silly old thing, you mustn't read that.
Mathematics must seem terribly fatuous now.
No humming, you.
Complete flake, my wife, but happens to be a genius.
She was a mathematician? Gave it all up for children.
I could never bear to argue with her.
I'm something of a moron myself.
But she's unbelievably hot.
Oh my God, you're the sane one, aren't you? Aren't you? Oh.
Sorry, I just, er Oh, you two need a moment? If you don't mind? No, course not.
I'll go and see if I can help with something or another.
Those two.
They all right? Well, you know, they've had their ups and downs.
Baker Street, now.
John, Mary Oh, Sherlock, oh, good gracious, you look terrible! Get me some morphine from your kitchen, I've run out.
I don't have any morphine.
Then what exactly is the point of you?! What is going on? Bloody good question.
The Watsons are about to have a domestic and fairly quickly I hope, because we've got work to do.
No, I have a better question - is everyone I have ever met a psychopath? Yes.
Good that we've settled that.
Now we SHUT UP! And stay shut up, because this is not funny.
Not this time.
I didn't say it was funny.
You.
What have I ever done? Hmm? My whole life, to deserve you? Everything.
Sherlock, I've told you, shut up.
No, I mean it - seriously, everything.
Everything you've ever done, is what you did.
Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.
You were a doctor who went to war.
You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie.
Your best friend is a sociopath, who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high.
That's me, by the way, hello.
Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.
It was my husband's cartel.
I was just typing.
And exotic dancing.
Sherlock Holmes, if you've been YouTubing John, you are addicted to a certain lifestyle.
You are abnormally attracted to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you fall in love with conforms to that pattern? But she wasn't supposed to be like that! Why is SHE like that? Because you chose her.
Why is everything always MY FAULT?! Oh, neighbours! John, listen.
Be calm and answer me.
What is she? My lying wife? No, what is she? And the woman who is carrying my child, who has lied to me since the day I met her.
No.
Not in this flat, not in this room.
Right here, right now, what is she? OK.
Your way.
Always your way.
Sit.
Why? Because that's where they sit.
The people who come in here with their stories.
They're the clients, that's all you are now, Mary.
You're a client.
This is where you sit and talk and this is where we sit and listen.
Then we decide if we want you or not.
So, are you OK? Oh, are we doing conversation today? It really is Christmas(!) Now? Seriously, months of silence and we're going to do this now? A.
G.
R.
A.
, what's that? Er my initials.
Everything about who I was is on there.
If you love me, don't read it in front of me.
Why? Because you won't love me when you've finished and I don't want to see that happen.
How much do you know already? By your skill set, you are, or were, an intelligence agent.
Your accent is currently English, but I suspect you are not.
You're on the run from something.
You've used your skills to disappear.
Magnussen knows your secret, which is why you were going to kill him.
And I assume you befriended Janine in order to get close to him.
Oh, you can talk! Oh, look at you two, you should have got married.
The stuff Magnussen has on me, I would go to prison for the rest of my life.
So you were going to kill him? People like Magnussen should be killed, that's why there are people like me.
Perfect! So that's what you were, an assassin? How could I not see that? You did see that.
And you married me.
Because he's right.
It's what you like.
So, Mary, any documents that Magnussen has concerning yourself, you want extracted and returned.
Why would you help me? Because you saved my life.
Sorry-sorry, what? When I happened on you and Magnussen you had a problem.
More specifically, you had a witness.
What do you do now? Kill both of us? 'The solution, of course, was simple.
Kill us both and leave.
' However, sentiment got the better of you.
'One precisely calculated shot to incapacitate me, 'in the hope that it would buy you more time to negotiate my silence.
' Of course, you couldn't shoot Magnussen.
On the night both of us broke into the building, your own husband would become a suspect.
So 'You calculated that Magnussen would use the fact of your involvement' rather than sharing the information with the police, as is his MO.
And then you left the way you came.
Have I missed anything? How did she save your life? She phoned the ambulance.
I phoned the ambulance.
She phoned first.
'Emergency, which service do you require?' You didn't find me for another five minutes.
Left to you, I would have died.
The average arrival time for a London ambulance is Did somebody call an ambulance? Eight minutes.
Did you bring any morphine? I asked on the phone.
We were told there was a shooting.
There was, last week.
But I believe I'm bleeding internally, my pulse is very erratic, you may need to restart my heart on the way Jesus, Sherlock.
Come on, Sherlock.
Argh! John, John, Magnussen is all that matters now.
You can trust Mary - she saved my life.
She shot you.
Mixed messages, I grant you that Argh! Sherlock! Sherlock! Take him.
Got him? Yeah.
So, have you read it? Would you come here a moment? No, tell me, have you? Just Come here.
No, I'm fine.
I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to you.
These are prepared words, Mary.
I've chosen these words with care.
OK.
The problems of your past are your business.
The problems of your future are my privilege.
It's all I have to say, it's all I need to know.
No, I didn't read it.
You don't even know my name.
Is "Mary Watson" good enough for you? Yes.
Oh my God, yes.
Then it's good enough for me, too.
All this does not mean that I'm not still basically pissed off with you.
Hmm, I know, I know.
I am very pissed off, and it will come out now and then.
I know, I know, I know.
You can mow the sodding lawn from now on.
I do mow the lawn.
I do it loads.
You really don't.
I choose the baby's name.
Not a chance.
OK.
I'm glad you've given up on the Magnussen business.
Are you? I'm still curious, though.
He's hardly your usual kind of puzzle.
Why do you hate him? Because he attacks people who are different and preys on their secrets.
Why don't you? He never causes too much damage to anyone important.
He's far too intelligent for that.
He's a businessman, that's all.
And occasionally useful to us.
A necessary evil, not a dragon for you to slay.
A dragon-slayer.
Is that what you think of me? No.
It's what you think of yourself.
Are you two smoking?! No.
It was Mycroft.
I have, by the way, a job offer I should like you to decline.
I decline your kind offer.
I shall pass on your regrets.
What was it? MI6.
They want to place you back into Eastern Europe.
An undercover assignment that would prove fatal to you in, I think, about six months.
Then why don't you want me to take it? It's tempting, but on balance, you have more utility closer to home.
Utility! How do I have utility? Here be dragons.
This isn't agreeing with me.
I'm going in.
You need low tar.
You still smoke like a beginner.
Also your loss would break my heart.
What the hell am I supposed to say to that?! Merry Christmas? You hate Christmas.
Yes.
Perhaps there was something in the punch.
Clearly.
Go and have some more.
So you realise that Sherlock got us out here to see his mum and dad for a reason? His lovely mum and dad, a fine example of married life, I get that.
That is the thing with Sherlock, it's always the unexpected.
Oi.
Oi? Mary? Jesus Christ! Mary? Sit down.
Mary, can you hear me? Don't drink Mary's tea.
Or the punch.
Sherlock Did you just drug my pregnant wife?! Don't worry, Wiggins is an excellent chemist.
I calculated your wife's dose myself.
Won't affect the little one.
I'll keep an eye on her.
He'll monitor their recovery.
It's more or less his day job.
What the hell have you done?! A deal with the devil.
Shouldn't you be in hospital? I am in hospital.
This is the canteen.
Is it? In my opinion, yes.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
I've been thinking about you.
I've been thinking about you.
Really? I want to see Appledore.
Where you keep all the secrets, all the files, everything you've got on everyone.
I want you to invite me.
What makes you think I'd be so careless? Oh, I think you're a lot more careless than you let on.
Am I? It's the dead-eyed stare that gives it away.
Except it's not dead-eyed, is it? You're reading.
Portable Appledore.
How does it work? Built-in flash drive? 4G wireless? They're just ordinary spectacles.
Yes, they are.
You underestimate me, Mr Holmes.
Impress me, then.
Show me Appledore.
Everything is available for a price.
Are you making me an offer? A Christmas present.
And what are you giving me for Christmas, Mr Holmes? My brother.
Oh, Jesus! Sherlock, please tell me you haven't just gone out of your mind.
I'd rather keep you guessing.
Ah, there's our lift.
Coming? Where? You want your wife to be safe? Of course I do.
Good, because this is going to be incredibly dangerous.
One false move and we'll have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be in prison for high treason.
Magnussen is the most dangerous man we've ever encountered and the odds are comprehensively stacked against us.
But it's Christmas! I feel the same.
Oh, you mean it's actually Christmas.
Did you bring your gun, as I suggested? Why would I bring my gun to your parents' house for Christmas dinner?! Is it in your coat? Yes.
Off we go, then.
Where are we going? Appledore.
I would offer you a drink, but it's very rare and expensive.
Oh, it WAS you.
Yes, of course.
Very hard to find a pressure point on you, Mr Holmes.
The drugs thing I never believed for a moment.
Anyway, you wouldn't care if it was exposed, would you? But look how you care about John Watson.
Your damsel in distress.
You put me in a fire, for leverage?! Oh, I would never let you burn, Dr Watson.
I had people standing by.
I'm not a murderer.
Unlike your wife.
Let me explain how leverage works, Dr Watson.
For those who understand these things, Mycroft Holmes is the most powerful man in the country.
Well, apart from me.
Mycroft's pressure point is his junkie detective brother, Sherlock.
Sherlock's pressure point is his best friend, John Watson.
John Watson's pressure point is his wife.
I own John Watson's wife, I own Mycroft.
He's what I'm getting for Christmas.
It's an exchange, not a gift.
Forgive me, but I already seem to have it.
It's password protected.
In return for the password, you will give me any material in your possession pertaining to the woman I know as Mary Watson.
Oh, she's bad, that one.
So many dead people.
You should see what I've seen.
I don't need to see it.
You might enjoy it, though.
I enjoy it.
Then why don't you show us? Show you Appledore? The secret vaults.
Is that what you want? I want everything you've got on Mary.
You know, I honestly expected something good.
Oh, I think you'll find the contents of that laptop Include a GPS locator.
By now your brother will have noticed the theft and the security services will be converging on this house.
Having arrived, they'll find top-secret information in my hands and they have every justification to search my vaults.
They will discover further information of this kind and I will be imprisoned.
You would be exonerated and restored to your smelly little apartment to solve crimes with Mr and Mrs Psychopath.
Mycroft has been looking for this opportunity for a long time.
He'll be a very, very proud big brother.
The fact that you know it's going to happen isn't going to stop it.
Then why am I smiling? Ask me.
Why are you smiling? Because Sherlock Holmes has made one enormous mistake, which will destroy the lives of everyone he loves.
And everything he holds dear.
Let me show you the Appledore vaults.
The entrance to my vaults.
This is where I keep you all.
OK, so where are the vaults, then? Vaults? What vaults? There are no vaults beneath this building.
They're all in here.
The Appledore vaults are my mind palace.
You know about mind palaces, don't you, Sherlock? How to store information so you never forget it, by picturing it.
I just sit here, I close my eyes and down I go to my vaults.
I can go anywhere inside my vaults.
My memories.
I'll look at the files on Mrs Watson.
Hmm.
Oh, this is one of my favourites.
Oh, it's so exciting.
All those wet jobs for the CIA.
Ooh, she's gone a bit freelance now, bad girl.
Oh, she's so wicked.
I can really see why you like her.
You see? So there are no documents, you don't actually have anything here? Oh, sometimes I send out for something, if I really need it, but mostly I just remember it all.
I don't understand.
You should have that on a T-shirt.
You just remember it all? It's all about knowledge, everything is.
Knowing is owning.
But if you just know it, then you don't have proof.
Proof? What would I need proof for? I'm in news, you moron.
I don't have to prove it, I just have to print it.
Speaking of news You'll both be heavily featured tomorrow.
Trying to sell state secrets to me.
Tut tut.
Let's go outside.
They'll be here shortly.
Can't wait to see you arrested.
Sherlock, do we have a plan? Sherlock? They're taking their time, aren't they? I still don't understand.
And there's the back of the T-shirt.
You just know things - how does that work? I just love your little soldier face.
I'd like to punch it.
Bring it over here a minute.
Come on.
For Mary.
Bring me your face.
Lean forward a bit and stick your face out.
Please.
Now, can I flick it? Look at me.
Can I flick your face? I just love doing this.
I could do it all day.
Well, it works like this, John.
I know who Mary hurt and killed.
I know where to find people who hate her.
I know where they live, I know their phone numbers.
All in my mind palace, all of it.
I could phone them right now and tear your whole life down and I will, unless you let me flick your face.
This is what I do to people.
This is what I do to whole countries.
Just because I know.
Can I do your eye now? See if you can keep it open, hmm? Come on, for Mary.
Keep it open.
Sherlock? Let him.
I'm sorry, just let him.
Hmm? Come on, eye open.
It's difficult, isn't it? Janine managed to once.
She makes the funniest noises.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, stand away from that man.
Here we go, Mr Holmes.
To clarify, Appledore's vaults only exist in your mind, nowhere else, just there? They're not real, they never have been.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, step away! It's fine, they're harmless.
'Target is not armed, I repeat target is not armed.
' Sherlock, what do we do? Nothing.
There is nothing to be done.
Oh, I'm not a villain, I have no evil plan.
I'm a businessman, acquiring assets.
You happen to be one of them.
Sorry, no chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, stand away from that man.
Do it now! Oh, do your research.
I'm not a hero, I'm a high-functioning sociopath.
Merry Christmas! 'Man down, man down.
' Get away from me, John! Stay well back! Christ, Sherlock! Don't fire! Do not fire on Sherlock Holmes! Do not fire! Oh Christ, Sherlock! Give my love to Mary.
Tell her she's safe now.
Oh, Sherlock.
What have you done? As my colleague is fond of remarking, this country sometimes needs a blunt instrument.
Equally, it sometimes needs a dagger, a scalpel wielded with precision and without remorse.
There will always come a time when we need Sherlock Holmes.
If this is some expression of familial sentiment Don't be absurd.
I am not given to outbursts of brotherly compassion.
You know what happened to the other one.
In any event, there is no prison in which we could incarcerate Sherlock without causing a riot on a daily basis.
The alternative, however, would require your approval.
Hardly merciful, Mr Holmes.
Regrettably, Lady Smallwood, my brother is a murderer.
You will look after him for me, won't you? Hmm.
Don't worry.
I'll keep him in trouble.
That's my girl.
Since this is likely to be the last conversation I'll have with John Watson, would you mind if we took a moment? So here we are.
William Sherlock Scott Holmes.
Sorry? That's the whole of it.
If you're looking for baby names.
No, we've had a scan, we're pretty sure it's a girl.
Oh.
OK.
Yeah.
You know, actually, I can't think of a single thing to say.
No, neither can I.
The game is over.
The game is never over, John.
But there may be some new players now.
That's OK, the East Wind takes us all in the end.
What's that? It's a story my brother told me when we were kids.
The East Wind is a terrifying force that lays waste to all in its path.
It seeks out the unworthy and plucks them from the earth.
That was generally me.
Nice(!) He's a rubbish big brother.
So what about you, then? Where are you actually going now? Oh, some undercover work in Eastern Europe.
For how long? Six months, my brother estimates.
He's never wrong.
And then what? Who knows? John, there's something I should say, I've meant to say always and I never have.
Since it's unlikely we'll ever meet again, I might as well say it now.
Sherlock is actually a girl's name.
It's not.
It was worth a try.
We're not naming our daughter after you.
Oh, I think it could work.
To the very best of times, John.
'Smith brings it inside.
This looks good.
'Cassandra comes in for a shot.
Ooh, he missed it!' Oi, there's something wrong with the telly.
There's something wrong with the telly, mate.
Who's that? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? How is this possible? We don't know, but it's on every screen in the country.
Every screen simultaneously.
Has the Prime Minister been told? And Mycroft? But that's not possible.
That is simply not possible.
What's happened? Sir? It's your brother.
Mycroft? 'Hello, little brother.
How's the exile going?' I've only been gone four minutes.
Well, I certainly hope you've learnt your lesson.
'As it turns out, you're needed.
' Oh, for God's sake, make up your mind! Who needs me this time? 'Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? 'Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me?' England.
But he's dead.
I mean, you told me he was dead, Moriarty? Absolutely.
Blew his own brains out.
So how can he be back? Well if he is, he'd better wrap up warm.
There's an East Wind coming.
Miss me?
Charles Augustus Magnussen.
Mr Magnussen, how would you describe your influence over the Prime Minister? The British Prime Minister? Any of the British Prime Ministers you have known.
I never had the slightest influence over any of them.
Why would I? I notice you've had seven meetings at Downing Street this year.
Why? Because I was invited.
Can you recall the subjects under discussion? Not without being more indiscreet than I believe is appropriate.
Do you think it right that a newspaper proprietor, a private individual, and in fact a foreign national, should have such regular access to our Prime Minister? I don't think it's wrong that a private individual should accept an invitation.
However, you have my sincere apologies for being foreign.
That's not what I meant.
That is not in any way Mr Magnussen, can you recall an occasion when your remarks could have influenced government policy? Or the Prime Minister's thinking in any way? No.
Are you sure? I have an excellent memory.
Your car is waiting outside See you tomorrow.
May I join you? I don't think it's appropriate.
It isn't.
Mr Magnussen, outside the inquiry, we can have no contact, no communication at all.
Please don't do that.
In 1982, your husband corresponded with Helen Catherine Driscoll.
That was before I knew him.
The letters were lively, loving some would say explicit.
And currently in my possession.
Will you please move your hand? "I long, my darling, to know the touch of your body.
" I know what was in the letters.
She was 15.
She looked older.
Oh, she looked delicious.
We have photographs too.
The ones she sent him.
Yum-yum.
He was unaware of her age.
He met her only once before the letters began.
When he discovered the truth, he stopped immediately.
Those are the facts.
Facts are for history books.
I work in news.
Your hand is sweating.
Always, I'm afraid.
I have a condition.
It's disgusting.
I'm used to it.
The whole world is wet to my touch.
I will call someone, I will have you removed.
What is that? Claire de la Lune? A bit young for you, isn't it? You want to hit me now? Could you, still? Little old lady now.
Perhaps you should settle for calling someone.
Well, go on.
No? Because now there are consequences.
I have the letters and therefore I have you.
This is blackmail.
Of course it isn't blackmail.
This is ownership.
You do not own me.
Claire de la Lune.
It never tastes like it smells, does it? Lady Smallwood's bill is on me.
See to it.
Yes, Mr Magnussen.
Oh, God! Oh! You all right, ma'am? Fine, yes.
Magnussen! No-one stands up to him.
No-one dares, no-one even tries.
There isn't a man or woman in England capable of stopping that disgusting creature Ma'am? Turn the car around.
We're going back into town.
Turn around.
Where are we going, ma'am? Baker Street.
'You've seen a lot of injuries, then? Violent deaths?' 'Enough for a lifetime.
' 'Want to see some more?' 'Oh, God, yes.
' 'The game is on.
' I know it's early.
Really, I'm sorry.
Is that Kate? Yeah, it's Kate.
Invite her in? Er, sorry, yes, do you want to come in, Kate? Hey! It's hard.
There you go.
It's Isaac.
Oh, your husband? Son.
Son, yeah.
He's gone missing again.
Didn't come home last night.
The usual.
He's the drugs one, yeah? Er, yeah, nicely put, John.
But is it Sherlock Holmes you want? Because I've not seen him in ages.
About a month.
Who is Sherlock Holmes? See, that does happen.
There's a place they all go to, him and his friends.
They all do whatever they do.
Shoot up, whatever you call it.
Where is he? It's a house, it's a dump.
It's practically falling down.
No, the address? Where, exactly? Seriously? Why not? She's not going to the police, someone's got to get him.
Why you? I'm being neighbourly.
Since when? Ha, since now.
Since this exact minute.
Why are you being so? What? I don't know, what's the matter with you? There is NOTHING the matter with me.
Imagine I said that without shouting.
I'm trying.
No, you can't come, you're pregnant.
You can't go, I'm pregnant! What is that?! It's a tyre lever.
Why? Cos there were loads of smackheads in there and one of them might need help with a tyre.
If there's any trouble, just go, I'll be fine.
John, John, John, John It is a tiny bit sexy.
Yeah, I know.
Hello? What do you want? Excuse me.
Oh, no, you can't come in here! I'm looking for a friend.
A very specific friend.
I'm not just browsing.
You've got to go.
No-one's allowed here.
Isaac Whitney, you seen him? I'm asking you if you've seen Isaac Whitney and now you're showing me a knife.
Is it a clue? Are you doing a mime? Go.
Or I'll cut you.
Oh, not from there.
Let me help.
Now, concentrate.
Isaac Whitney? OK, you asked for it.
Agh! Ohh! Right.
Are you concentrating yet? You broke my arm! No, I sprained it.
It feels squishy.
Is it supposed to feel squishy? Feel that! Yeah, it's a sprain.
I'm a doctor, I know how to sprain people.
Now where is Isaac Whitney? I don't know! Maybe upstairs.
There you go.
Wasn't that easy? No, it was really sore.
Mental, you are! No, just used to a better class of criminal.
Isaac? Isaac Whitney? Isaac? Hello, mate.
Sit up for me, sit up.
Dr Watson? Yep.
Where am I? Arse-end of the universe with the scum of the earth.
Look at me.
Have you come for me? Do you think I know a lot of people here? Hey, all right? Oh, hello, John.
Didn't expect to see you here.
Come for me too? Hello, Isaac.
Mrs Watson, can I, can I get in, please? Yes, of course, get in.
Where's John? They're having a fight.
Who is?! For God sakes, John, I'm on a case! A month.
That's all it took.
One! I'm working.
"Sherlock Holmes in a drug den.
" How's that going to look?! I'm undercover.
No, you're not! Well, I'm not now! In, both of you, quickly! Please, can I come? I think I've got a broken arm.
No, go away.
No, let him.
Why? Yeah, just get in.
It's a sprain.
Anyone else? I mean, are we taking everybody home, are we? All right, Shezza? "Shezza"? I WAS undercover! Seriously, Shezza, though? We're not going home, we're going to Bart's.
I'm calling Molly.
Why? Because Sherlock Holmes needs to pee in a jar.
Well? Is he clean? Clean? How dare you throw away the beautiful gifts you were born with! And how dare you betray the love of your friends! Say you're sorry.
Sorry your engagement's over.
Though I'm fairly grateful for the lack of a ring.
Stop it.
Just stop it! If you were anywhere near this kind of thing again, you could have called, you could have talked to me.
Please, do relax.
This is all for a case.
What kind of case would need you doing this? I might as well ask you why you've started cycling to work? No, we're not playing this game.
Quite recently, I'd say, you're very determined about it.
Not interested.
I am.
Ow! Oh, sorry, you moved, but it is just a sprain.
Yeah, somebody hit me.
Huh? Yeah, just some guy.
Yeah, it was probably just an addict in need of a fix.
Yes, I think in a way it was.
Is it his shirt? I'm sorry? Well, it's the creases, isn't it? The two creases down the front.
It's been recently folded, but it's not new.
You must have dressed in a hurry this morning.
So all your shirts must be kept like that.
But why? Maybe cos you cycle to work every morning, shower when you get there and then dress in the clothes you brought with you.
You keep your shirts folded, ready to pack.
Not bad.
And I further deduce you've only started recently because you've got a bit of chafing.
No, he's always walked like that.
Remind me, what's your name again? They call me the Wig.
No, they don't.
Well, they they call me Wiggy.
Nope.
Bill.
Bill Wiggins.
Nice observational skills, Billy.
Ah, finally! Finally what? Good news? Oh, excellent news, the best.
There's every chance that my drug habit might hit the newspapers.
The game is on.
Excuse me for a second.
You've heard of Charles Augustus Magnussen, of course? Yeah.
Owns some newspapers.
Ones I don't read.
Hang on, weren't there other people? Mary's taking the boys home, I'm taking you, we did discuss it.
People were talking, none of them were me, I must have filtered.
I noticed.
I have to filter out a lot of witless babble.
I've got Mrs Hudson on semi-permanent mute.
What is my brother doing here? So I'll just pay, then, shall I? He's straightened the knocker.
He always corrects it, it's OCD, doesn't even know he's doing it.
Why do you do that? Do what? Nothing.
Well then, Sherlock, back on the sauce? What are you doing here? I phoned him.
The siren call of old habits.
How very like Uncle Rudy.
Though in many ways, cross-dressing would have been a wiser path for you.
You phoned him.
Of course I bloody phoned him.
Of course he bloody did.
Now save me a little time - where should we be looking? "We"? Mr Holmes? For God's sake! Anderson?! Sorry, Sherlock, it's for your own good.
Oh, that's him, isn't it? You said he'd be taller.
Some members of your little fan club.
Do be polite.
They're entirely trustworthy and even willing to search through the toxic waste dump that you are pleased to call a flat.
You're a celebrity these days, Sherlock.
You can't afford a drug habit.
- I do not have a drug habit.
- Hey, what happened to my chair? It was blocking my view to the kitchen.
Well, it's good to be missed! You were gone, I saw an opportunity.
No, you saw the kitchen.
What have you found so far? Clearly, nothing.
There's nothing to find! Your bedroom door is shut.
You haven't been home all night.
So, why would a man who has never knowingly closed a door without the direct orders of his mother bother to do so on this occasion? OK, stop, just stop! Point made.
Jesus, Sherlock! I shall have to phone our parents, of course.
In Oklahoma.
It won't be the first time that your substance abuse has wreaked havoc with their line dancing.
This is not what you think.
This is for a case.
What case could possibly justify this? Magnussen.
Charles Augustus Magnussen.
That name you think you may have just heard, you were mistaken.
If you ever mention hearing that name in this room, in this context, I guarantee you, on behalf of the British Security Services, that materials will be found on your computer hard-drives, resulting in your immediate incarceration.
Don't reply, just look frightened and scuttle.
I hope I won't have to threaten you as well.
Well, I think we'd both find that embarrassing.
Magnussen is not your business.
Oh, you mean he's yours? You may consider him under my protection.
I consider you under his thumb.
If you go against Magnussen, then you will find yourself going against me.
OK.
I'll let you know if I notice.
Um, what was I going to say? Oh, yeah.
Bye-bye.
Unwise, brother mine.
Ohh! Ugh! Brother mine don't appal me when I'm high.
Mycroft, don't say another word, just go.
He could snap you in two and right now, I'm slightly worried that he might.
Don't speak, just leave.
Oh.
Er, Magnussen? What time is it? About eight.
I'll be meeting him in three hours.
I need a bath.
It's for a case, you say? Yep.
What sort of case? Too big and dangerous for any sane individual to get involved in.
You trying to put me off? God, no.
Trying to recruit you.
And stay out of my bedroom.
Oh, John, hi.
How are you? Janine? Sorry, not dressed.
Has everybody gone? I heard shouting.
Yes, they're gone.
God, look at the time.
I'll be late.
It sounded like an argument.
Was it Mike? Mike? Mike, yeah.
His brother, Mike.
They're always fighting.
Mycroft.
Do people actually call him that? Yeah.
Huh! Oh, could you be a love and put some coffee on? Sure, right, yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, how is Mary? How's married life? She's fine.
We're both fine.
Yeah.
Oh, it's over there now.
Where's Sherl? (Sherl!) Er, he's just having a bath.
I'm sure he'll be out in a minute.
Oh, like he ever is! Yeah.
Morning.
Room for a little one? Morning.
Ooh! So, it's just a guess, but you've probably got some questions? Yeah, one or two.
Pretty much.
Naturally.
You have a girlfriend? Yes, I have.
Now, Magnussen.
Magnussen is like a shark.
It's the only way I can describe him.
Have you ever been to the shark tank at the London Aquarium, John? Stood up close to the glass? Those floating, flat faces, those dead eyes.
That's what he is.
I've dealt with murderers, psychopaths, terrorists, serial killers.
None of them can turn my stomach like Charles Augustus Magnussen.
Yes, you have? Sorry, what? You have a girlfriend? What? Yes, yes, I'm going out with Janine.
I thought that was fairly obvious.
Yes.
Well, yes.
You You You are in a relationship? Yes, I am.
You and Janine? Hmm.
Yes, me and Janine.
Care to elaborate? Well, we're in a good place.
It's, um very affirming.
You got that from a book.
Everyone got that from a book.
OK, you two bad boys.
Behave yourselves.
You, Sherl, you're going to have to tell me where you were last night.
Working.
Working? Of course.
I'm the only one who really knows what you're like, remember? Well, don't you go letting on.
I might just, actually.
I haven't told Mary about this.
I kind of wanted to surprise her.
Yeah, I think you probably will.
But we should have you two over for dinner, really soon.
Yeah.
My place though, not the scuzz-dump.
Great, yeah.
Dinner, yeah.
I'd better dash.
It was brilliant to see you.
You too.
Have a lovely day.
Call me later.
I might do.
I might call you.
Unless I meet someone prettier.
Solve me a crime, Sherlock Holmes.
You know Magnussen as a newspaper owner, but he is so much more than that.
He uses his power and wealth to gain information.
The more he acquires, the greater his wealth and power.
And I'm not exaggerating when I say that he knows the critical pressure point on every person of note or influence in the whole of the Western World and probably beyond.
He is the Napoleon of blackmail.
And he has created an unassailable architecture of forbidden knowledge.
Its name is Appledore.
Dinner? Sorry, what dinner? Me and Mary coming for dinner with wine and sitting.
Seriously? I have just told you that the Western World is run from this house and you want to talk about dinner? Fine.
Talk about the house.
It is the greatest repository of sensitive and dangerous information anywhere in the world, the Alexandrian Library of secrets and scandals and none of it is on a computer.
He's smart.
Computers can be hacked.
It's all on hard copy, in vaults, underneath that house.
And as long as it is, the personal freedom of anyone you've ever met is a fantasy.
That was the doorbell.
Couldn't you hear it? It's in the fridge.
It kept ringing.
Oh, that's not a fault, Sherlock! Who is it? Mr Holmes said you can go right up.
Oh.
Go ahead.
Sir? Can I have a moment? He's fine.
Look, I Right.
I should probably tell you OK, I There.
Doesn't mean I'm not pleased to see you.
I can vouch for this man.
He is a doctor.
If you know who I am, then you know who he is.
Don't you, Mr Magnussen? I understood we were meeting at YOUR office.
This is my office.
Well, it is now.
Mr Magnussen, I have been asked to intercede with you by Lady Elizabeth Smallwood on the matter of her husband's letters.
Some time ago you put pressure on her concerning those letters.
She would like those letters back.
Obviously, the letters no longer have any practical use to you, so with that in mind Something I said? No, no.
I was reading.
There's rather a lot.
Redbeard? Sorry.
Sorry, you were probably talking.
I I was trying to explain that I have been asked to act on behalf of Bathroom? Along from the kitchen, sir.
OK.
I've been asked to negotiate the return of those letters.
I am aware you do not make copies of sensitive documents.
Is it like the rest of the flat? Sir? The bathroom? Yes, sir.
Maybe not then.
Am I acceptable to you as an intermediary? Lady Elizabeth Smallwood I like her.
Mr Magnussen, am I acceptable to you as an intermediary? She's English with a spine.
Best thing about the English you're so domesticated.
All standing around, apologising keeping your little heads down.
You can do what you like here.
No-one's ever going to stop you.
A nation of herbivores.
I have interests all over the world but everything starts in England.
If it works here I try it in a real country.
The United Kingdom, Petri dish to the Western World.
Tell Lady Elizabeth I might need those letters so I'm keeping them.
Goodbye.
Anyway they're funny.
Jesus! Did you notice the one extraordinary thing he did? There was a moment that kind of stuck in the mind, yeah.
Exactly.
When he showed us the letters.
OK.
So, he's brought the letters to London, so no matter what he says, he's ready to make a deal.
Now, Magnussen only makes a deal once he's established a person's weaknesses, the pressure point, he calls it.
So, clearly he believes I'm a drug addict and no serious threat.
And of course, because he's in town tonight, the letters will be in his safe in his London office while he's out to dinner with the Marketing Group of GB from seven till ten.
How do you know his schedule? Because I do.
I'll see you tonight.
I've got some shopping to do.
What's tonight? I'll text instructions.
Yeah, I'll text YOU if I'm available.
You are, I checked.
Don't bring a gun.
Why would I bring a gun? Or a knife or a tyre lever.
Probably best not to do any arm-spraining, but we'll see how the night goes.
Are you just assuming I'm coming along? Time you got out of the house, John.
You've put on 7lbs since you married and the cycling isn't doing it.
It's actually 4lbs.
Mary and I think seven.
See you later.
And breaking news now.
John Garvie MP has been arrested today on charges of corruption.
This follows an investigation Magnussen's office is on the top floor, just below his private flat.
There are 14 layers of security between us and him, two of which aren't even legal in this country.
Want to know how we're going to break in? Is that what we're doing? Of course it's what we're doing.
Magnussen's private lift.
Goes straight to his penthouse and office.
Only he uses it and only his keycard calls the lift.
If anyone else even tries, security is automatically informed.
Standard keycard for the building.
Nicked it yesterday.
Only gets us as far as the canteen.
Here we go then.
If I was to use this card on that lift now, what happens? Well, the alarms would go off and you'd be dragged away by security.
Exactly.
Get taken to a small room somewhere and your head kicked in.
Do we really need so much colour? It passes the time.
But if I do this If you press a keycard against your mobile phone for long enough, it corrupts the magnetic strip.
The card stops working.
It's a common problem.
Never put your keycard with your phone.
What happens if I use the card now? It still doesn't work.
But it doesn't read as the wrong card now.
It registers as corrupted.
But if it's corrupted, how do they know it's not Magnussen? Would they risk dragging him off? Probably not.
So, what do they do? What do they have to do? Check if it's him or not.
There's a camera at eye height to the right of the door.
A live picture of the card user is relayed directly to Magnussen's personal staff in his office, the only people trusted to make a positive ID.
At this hour, almost certainly his PA.
So, how does that help us? Human error.
I've been shopping.
Here we go then.
You realise you don't exactly look like Magnussen? Which in this case is a considerable advantage.
Sherlock, you complete loon.
What are you doing?! Hang on, was that? Hi, Janine.
Go on, let me in.
I can't.
You know I can't.
Don't be silly.
Don't make me do it out here.
Not in front of everyone.
Do what in front of everyone? You see, as long as there's people, there's always a weak spot.
That was Janine.
Yes, of course it was.
She's Magnussen's PA.
That's the whole point.
Did you just get engaged to break into an office? Yeah.
Stroke of luck meeting her at your wedding.
You can take some of the credit.
Jesus! Sherlock, she loves you.
Yes.
Like I said, human error.
What are you going to do? Well, not actually marry her, obviously.
There's only so far you can go.
So, what will you tell her? Well, I'll tell her that our entire relationship was a ruse to break into her boss's office.
I imagine she'll want to stop seeing me at that point, but you're the expert on women.
So, where did she go? That's a bit rude.
I just proposed to her.
Sherlock.
Did she faint? Do they really do that?! It's a blow to the head.
She's breathing.
Janine? Another in here.
Security.
Does he need help? Ex-con.
White supremacist by the tattoos, so who cares? Stick with Janine.
Janine, focus on my voice.
Can you hear me? Hey, they must still be here.
So is Magnussen.
His seat's still warm.
He should be at dinner, but he's still in the building.
Upstairs.
We should call the police.
During our own burglary? You're really not a natural at this, are you? No, wait.
Sssh.
Perfume and not Janine's.
Claire de la Lune.
Why do I know it? Mary wears it.
No, not Mary.
Somebody else.
Sherlock! What would your husband think? Your lovely husband, upright and honourable, so English.
What would he say to you now? No, no! You're doing this to protect him from the truth? Well, is this the protection he would want? Additionally, if you're going to commit murder, you might consider changing your perfume, Lady Smallwood.
Sorry.
Who? That's not Lady Smallwood, Mr Holmes.
Is John with you? He's, um Is John here? He's downstairs.
So, what do you do now? Kill us both? Mary, whatever he's got on you, let me help.
Oh, Sherlock, if you take one more step, I swear I will kill you.
No, Mrs Watson you won't.
I'm sorry, Sherlock.
I truly am.
Mary? It's not like it is in the movies.
There's not a great big spurt of blood and you go flying backwards.
The impact isn't spread over a wide area.
It's tightly focused so there's little or no energy transfer.
You stay still and the bullet pushes through.
You're almost certainly going to die, so we need to focus.
I said, "Focus!" It's all well and clever having a mind palace, but you've only three seconds of consciousness left to use it.
So, come on.
What's going to kill you? Blood loss.
Exactly.
So, it's all about one thing now - forwards or backwards? We need to decide which way you're going to fall.
One hole or two? Sorry? Is the bullet still inside you? Or is there an exit wound? It'll depend on the gun.
That one, I think.
Or that one.
Oh, for God's sake, Sherlock.
It doesn't matter about the gun.
Don't be stupid.
You always were so stupid.
Such a disappointment.
I'm not stupid.
You're a very stupid little boy.
Mummy and Daddy are very cross because it doesn't matter about the gun.
Why not? You saw the whole room when you entered it.
What was directly behind you when you were murdered? I've not been murdered YET.
Balance of probability, little brother.
If the bullet had passed through you, what would you have heard? The mirror shattering.
You didn't.
Therefore? The bullet's still inside me.
So we need to take him down backwards.
I agree.
Sherlock, you need to fall on your back.
Right now the bullet is the cork in a bottle.
The bullet itself is blocking most of the blood flow.
But any pressure or impact on the entrance wound could dislodge it.
Plus, on your back, gravity's working for us.
Fall now.
What the hell is that?! What's happening?! You're going into shock.
It's the next thing that's going to kill you.
What do I do? Don't go into shock, obviously.
Must be something in this ridiculous memory palace of yours that can calm you down.
Find it.
The East Wind is coming, Sherlock.
It's coming to get you.
Find it.
Hello, Redbeard.
Here, boy.
Come on.
Come to me.
It's OK.
It's all right.
Come on.
It's me.
It's me.
Come on.
Good boy.
Clever boy.
Good boy.
Hello, Redbeard.
They're putting me down too now.
It's no fun, is it? Redbeard.
That was shock.
You're going to feel the pain.
There's a hole ripped through you.
Massive internal bleeding.
You have to control the pain.
Control.
Control.
Control.
You You never felt pain, did you? Why did you never feel pain? You always feel it, Sherlock.
But you don't have to fear it! Pain heartbreak loss death it's all good.
It's all good.
Sherlock! Sherlock.
Can you hear me? What happened? He got shot.
Jesus! Sherlock.
Oh, my! Who shot him?! 'Emergency.
Which service do you require?' It's raining It's pouring Sherlock is boring I'm laughing I'm crying Sherlock is dying.
Sherlock! We're losing you.
Sherlock! Come on, Sherlock.
Just die, why can't you? One little push and off you pop.
You're going to love being dead, Sherlock.
No-one ever bothers you.
Mrs Hudson will cry and Mummy and Daddy will cry and the woman will cry and John will cry buckets and buckets.
It's him that I worry about the most.
That wife! You're letting him down, Sherlock.
John Watson is definitely in danger.
Oh, you're not getting better, are you? Was it something I said, huh? Sherlock! Mary.
Hey.
He's only bloody woken up.
He's pulled through.
Really? Yeah.
Seriously? You Mrs Watson, you're in big trouble.
Really? Why? His first word when he woke up "Mary.
" You don't tell him.
Sherlock? You don't tell John.
Bad girl.
Bad, bad girl.
Look at me and tell me you're not going to tell him.
I'm buying a cottage.
I've made a lot of money out of you, mister.
Nothing hits the spot like revenge with profits.
You didn't give those stories to Magnussen, did you? God, no.
One of his rivals.
He was spitting.
Hmm.
Sherlock Holmes, you are a back-stabbing, heartless, manipulative bastard.
And you, as it turns out, are a grasping, opportunistic, publicity-hungry, tabloid whore.
So, we're good then? Yeah, of course.
Where's the cottage? Sussex Downs.
Nice.
It's gorgeous.
There's beehives, but I'm getting rid of those.
Oh, it hurts, does it? Probably want to restart your morphine.
I might have fiddled with the taps.
How much more revenge are you going to need? Just the occasional top-up.
Dream come true for you, this place.
They actually attach the drugs to you.
Not good for working.
You won't be working for a while, Sherl.
You lied to me.
You lied and lied.
I exploited the fact of our connection.
When? Just once would have been nice.
Oh.
I was waiting till we got married.
That was never going to happen.
Got to go.
I'm not supposed to keep you talking.
And also, I have an interview with The One Show and I haven't made it up yet.
Just one thing you shouldn't have lied to me.
I know what kind of man you are, but we could have been friends.
I'll give your love to John and Mary.
You don't tell him.
You don't tell John.
So Mary Watson who are you? Mary Watson.
I don't know how much sense you'll get out of him.
He's drugged up, so he's pretty much babbling.
Oh, they won't let you use that in here, you know? No, I'm not going to use the phone.
I just want to take a video.
Oh, Jesus! So, where would he go? Oh, Christ knows! Try finding Sherlock in London.
He's got three known bolt-holes.
Parliament Hill, Camden Lock and Dagmar Court.
Five known bolt holes.
There's the blind greenhouse in Kew Gardens and the leaning tomb in Hampstead Cemetery.
Just the spare bedroom.
Well, my bedroom.
We agreed he needs the space.
Behind the clock face of Big Ben.
I think he was probably joking.
No, I don't think so.
Leinster Gardens.
It's his number one bolt hole.
Top, top secret.
He only knows about it cos he stalked him one night.
Followed! Followed, yeah.
He knew who shot him.
The bullet wound was here, so he was facing whoever it was.
So, why not tell us? Because he's tracking them down himself.
Or protecting them.
Protecting the shooter, why? Well, protecting someone then.
But why would he care? He's Sherlock.
Who would he bother protecting? Call me if you hear anything.
Don't hold out on me, John.
Call me, OK? Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Good night then.
Bye then.
John, need a cuppa? Mrs Hudson, why does Sherlock think that I'll be moving back in here? Oh, yes, he's put your chair back again, hasn't he? That's nice.
It looks much better.
John, what's wrong? Tell me.
John? That's your phone, isn't it? It's Sherlock, John.
Sherlock.
John, you have to answer it! Spare any change, love? No.
Oh, come on, love.
Don't be like all the rest.
Rule one of looking for Sherlock Holmes, he finds you.
You're working for Sherlock now? Keeps me off the streets, doesn't it? Well no.
Where are you? 'Can't you see me?' Well, what am I looking for? 'The lie, the lie of Leinster Gardens, hidden in plain sight.
'Hardly anyone notices.
People live here for years and never see it.
'But if you are what I think you are, it will take you less than a minute.
'The houses, Mary.
Look at the houses.
' How did you know I'd come here? 'I knew you'd talk to the people no-one else would bother with.
' Huh, I thought I was being clever.
'You're always clever, Mary, I was relying on that.
'I planted the information for you to find.
' Ohh! '30 seconds.
' But what am I looking at? 'No door knobs, no letterbox.
Painted windows.
'23 and 24 Leinster Gardens.
'The empty houses.
'They were demolished years ago to make way for the London Underground, 'a vent for the old steam trains.
'Only the very front section of the house remains.
' 'It's just a facade.
'Remind you of anyone, Mary? 'A facade? 'Sorry, I never could resist a touch of drama.
'Do come in.
It's a little cramped.
' Do you own this place? 'Hmm, I won it in a card game with the Clarence House Cannibal.
'Nearly cost me my kidneys, but fortunately I had a straight flush.
'Quite a gambler, that woman.
' What do you want, Sherlock? 'Mary Morstan was stillborn in October 1972.
'Her gravestone is in Chiswick cemetery, where five years ago 'you acquired her name and date of birth, and thereafter her identity.
'That's why you don't have friends from before that date.
' Need to work on your half of the church, Mary.
Looking a bit thin.
Oh, orphan's lot.
Friends, that's all I have.
'It's an old enough technique, known to the kinds of people 'who could recognise a skip code on sight' At first I thought it was just a Bible thing, spam, but it's not.
It's a skip code.
'.
.
Have extraordinarily retentive memories.
' How can you not remember which room? You remember everything! I have to delete something! 207.
You were very slow.
'How good a shot are you?' How badly do you want to find out? 'If I die here, my body would be found in a building 'with your face projected on the front of it.
'Even Scotland Yard could get somewhere with that.
'I want to know how good you are.
'Go on, show me.
'The doctor's wife must be a little bit bored by now.
' May I see? Huh, it's a dummy.
Well, I suppose that was a fairly obvious trick.
And yet, over a distance of six feet, you failed to make a kill shot.
Enough to hospitalise me, not enough to kill me.
That wasn't a miss, that was surgery.
I'll take the case.
What case? Yours.
Why didn't you come to me in the first place? Because John can't ever know that I lied to him.
It would break him and I would lose him forever.
And Sherlock, I will never let that happen.
Please, understand, there is nothing in this world I would not do to stop that happening.
Sorry.
Not that obvious a trick.
Now talk and sort it out and do it quickly.
"Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" Oh, dear God, it's only two o'clock.
It's been Christmas Day for at least a week now.
How can it only be two o'clock? I'm in agony.
Mikey, is this your laptop? Upon which depends the security of the free world, yes, and you've got potatoes on it! You shouldn't leave it lying around if it's so important.
Why are we doing this? We never do this.
We are here because Sherlock is home from hospital and we are all very happy.
Am I happy too? I haven't checked.
Behave, Mike! Mycroft is the name you gave me, if you could possibly struggle all the way to the end.
Mrs Holmes.
Oh, thank you, dear.
I'm not absolutely sure why you're here.
I invited him.
I'm his protege, Mrs Holmes.
When he dies, I get all his stuff and his job.
No.
Oh, well, I help out a bit.
Closer.
If he does get murdered or something Probably stop talking now.
OK.
Lovely when you bring your friends round(!) Stop it, you.
Somebody's put a bullet in my boy.
If I ever find out who, I shall turn absolutely monstrous.
This was for Mary.
I'll be back in a minute.
Ah.
Mary.
There you are.
Cup of tea.
If Father starts making little humming noises, just give him a little poke.
That usually does it.
Did you write this? Oh, that silly old thing, you mustn't read that.
Mathematics must seem terribly fatuous now.
No humming, you.
Complete flake, my wife, but happens to be a genius.
She was a mathematician? Gave it all up for children.
I could never bear to argue with her.
I'm something of a moron myself.
But she's unbelievably hot.
Oh my God, you're the sane one, aren't you? Aren't you? Oh.
Sorry, I just, er Oh, you two need a moment? If you don't mind? No, course not.
I'll go and see if I can help with something or another.
Those two.
They all right? Well, you know, they've had their ups and downs.
Baker Street, now.
John, Mary Oh, Sherlock, oh, good gracious, you look terrible! Get me some morphine from your kitchen, I've run out.
I don't have any morphine.
Then what exactly is the point of you?! What is going on? Bloody good question.
The Watsons are about to have a domestic and fairly quickly I hope, because we've got work to do.
No, I have a better question - is everyone I have ever met a psychopath? Yes.
Good that we've settled that.
Now we SHUT UP! And stay shut up, because this is not funny.
Not this time.
I didn't say it was funny.
You.
What have I ever done? Hmm? My whole life, to deserve you? Everything.
Sherlock, I've told you, shut up.
No, I mean it - seriously, everything.
Everything you've ever done, is what you did.
Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.
You were a doctor who went to war.
You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie.
Your best friend is a sociopath, who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high.
That's me, by the way, hello.
Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.
It was my husband's cartel.
I was just typing.
And exotic dancing.
Sherlock Holmes, if you've been YouTubing John, you are addicted to a certain lifestyle.
You are abnormally attracted to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you fall in love with conforms to that pattern? But she wasn't supposed to be like that! Why is SHE like that? Because you chose her.
Why is everything always MY FAULT?! Oh, neighbours! John, listen.
Be calm and answer me.
What is she? My lying wife? No, what is she? And the woman who is carrying my child, who has lied to me since the day I met her.
No.
Not in this flat, not in this room.
Right here, right now, what is she? OK.
Your way.
Always your way.
Sit.
Why? Because that's where they sit.
The people who come in here with their stories.
They're the clients, that's all you are now, Mary.
You're a client.
This is where you sit and talk and this is where we sit and listen.
Then we decide if we want you or not.
So, are you OK? Oh, are we doing conversation today? It really is Christmas(!) Now? Seriously, months of silence and we're going to do this now? A.
G.
R.
A.
, what's that? Er my initials.
Everything about who I was is on there.
If you love me, don't read it in front of me.
Why? Because you won't love me when you've finished and I don't want to see that happen.
How much do you know already? By your skill set, you are, or were, an intelligence agent.
Your accent is currently English, but I suspect you are not.
You're on the run from something.
You've used your skills to disappear.
Magnussen knows your secret, which is why you were going to kill him.
And I assume you befriended Janine in order to get close to him.
Oh, you can talk! Oh, look at you two, you should have got married.
The stuff Magnussen has on me, I would go to prison for the rest of my life.
So you were going to kill him? People like Magnussen should be killed, that's why there are people like me.
Perfect! So that's what you were, an assassin? How could I not see that? You did see that.
And you married me.
Because he's right.
It's what you like.
So, Mary, any documents that Magnussen has concerning yourself, you want extracted and returned.
Why would you help me? Because you saved my life.
Sorry-sorry, what? When I happened on you and Magnussen you had a problem.
More specifically, you had a witness.
What do you do now? Kill both of us? 'The solution, of course, was simple.
Kill us both and leave.
' However, sentiment got the better of you.
'One precisely calculated shot to incapacitate me, 'in the hope that it would buy you more time to negotiate my silence.
' Of course, you couldn't shoot Magnussen.
On the night both of us broke into the building, your own husband would become a suspect.
So 'You calculated that Magnussen would use the fact of your involvement' rather than sharing the information with the police, as is his MO.
And then you left the way you came.
Have I missed anything? How did she save your life? She phoned the ambulance.
I phoned the ambulance.
She phoned first.
'Emergency, which service do you require?' You didn't find me for another five minutes.
Left to you, I would have died.
The average arrival time for a London ambulance is Did somebody call an ambulance? Eight minutes.
Did you bring any morphine? I asked on the phone.
We were told there was a shooting.
There was, last week.
But I believe I'm bleeding internally, my pulse is very erratic, you may need to restart my heart on the way Jesus, Sherlock.
Come on, Sherlock.
Argh! John, John, Magnussen is all that matters now.
You can trust Mary - she saved my life.
She shot you.
Mixed messages, I grant you that Argh! Sherlock! Sherlock! Take him.
Got him? Yeah.
So, have you read it? Would you come here a moment? No, tell me, have you? Just Come here.
No, I'm fine.
I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to you.
These are prepared words, Mary.
I've chosen these words with care.
OK.
The problems of your past are your business.
The problems of your future are my privilege.
It's all I have to say, it's all I need to know.
No, I didn't read it.
You don't even know my name.
Is "Mary Watson" good enough for you? Yes.
Oh my God, yes.
Then it's good enough for me, too.
All this does not mean that I'm not still basically pissed off with you.
Hmm, I know, I know.
I am very pissed off, and it will come out now and then.
I know, I know, I know.
You can mow the sodding lawn from now on.
I do mow the lawn.
I do it loads.
You really don't.
I choose the baby's name.
Not a chance.
OK.
I'm glad you've given up on the Magnussen business.
Are you? I'm still curious, though.
He's hardly your usual kind of puzzle.
Why do you hate him? Because he attacks people who are different and preys on their secrets.
Why don't you? He never causes too much damage to anyone important.
He's far too intelligent for that.
He's a businessman, that's all.
And occasionally useful to us.
A necessary evil, not a dragon for you to slay.
A dragon-slayer.
Is that what you think of me? No.
It's what you think of yourself.
Are you two smoking?! No.
It was Mycroft.
I have, by the way, a job offer I should like you to decline.
I decline your kind offer.
I shall pass on your regrets.
What was it? MI6.
They want to place you back into Eastern Europe.
An undercover assignment that would prove fatal to you in, I think, about six months.
Then why don't you want me to take it? It's tempting, but on balance, you have more utility closer to home.
Utility! How do I have utility? Here be dragons.
This isn't agreeing with me.
I'm going in.
You need low tar.
You still smoke like a beginner.
Also your loss would break my heart.
What the hell am I supposed to say to that?! Merry Christmas? You hate Christmas.
Yes.
Perhaps there was something in the punch.
Clearly.
Go and have some more.
So you realise that Sherlock got us out here to see his mum and dad for a reason? His lovely mum and dad, a fine example of married life, I get that.
That is the thing with Sherlock, it's always the unexpected.
Oi.
Oi? Mary? Jesus Christ! Mary? Sit down.
Mary, can you hear me? Don't drink Mary's tea.
Or the punch.
Sherlock Did you just drug my pregnant wife?! Don't worry, Wiggins is an excellent chemist.
I calculated your wife's dose myself.
Won't affect the little one.
I'll keep an eye on her.
He'll monitor their recovery.
It's more or less his day job.
What the hell have you done?! A deal with the devil.
Shouldn't you be in hospital? I am in hospital.
This is the canteen.
Is it? In my opinion, yes.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
I've been thinking about you.
I've been thinking about you.
Really? I want to see Appledore.
Where you keep all the secrets, all the files, everything you've got on everyone.
I want you to invite me.
What makes you think I'd be so careless? Oh, I think you're a lot more careless than you let on.
Am I? It's the dead-eyed stare that gives it away.
Except it's not dead-eyed, is it? You're reading.
Portable Appledore.
How does it work? Built-in flash drive? 4G wireless? They're just ordinary spectacles.
Yes, they are.
You underestimate me, Mr Holmes.
Impress me, then.
Show me Appledore.
Everything is available for a price.
Are you making me an offer? A Christmas present.
And what are you giving me for Christmas, Mr Holmes? My brother.
Oh, Jesus! Sherlock, please tell me you haven't just gone out of your mind.
I'd rather keep you guessing.
Ah, there's our lift.
Coming? Where? You want your wife to be safe? Of course I do.
Good, because this is going to be incredibly dangerous.
One false move and we'll have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be in prison for high treason.
Magnussen is the most dangerous man we've ever encountered and the odds are comprehensively stacked against us.
But it's Christmas! I feel the same.
Oh, you mean it's actually Christmas.
Did you bring your gun, as I suggested? Why would I bring my gun to your parents' house for Christmas dinner?! Is it in your coat? Yes.
Off we go, then.
Where are we going? Appledore.
I would offer you a drink, but it's very rare and expensive.
Oh, it WAS you.
Yes, of course.
Very hard to find a pressure point on you, Mr Holmes.
The drugs thing I never believed for a moment.
Anyway, you wouldn't care if it was exposed, would you? But look how you care about John Watson.
Your damsel in distress.
You put me in a fire, for leverage?! Oh, I would never let you burn, Dr Watson.
I had people standing by.
I'm not a murderer.
Unlike your wife.
Let me explain how leverage works, Dr Watson.
For those who understand these things, Mycroft Holmes is the most powerful man in the country.
Well, apart from me.
Mycroft's pressure point is his junkie detective brother, Sherlock.
Sherlock's pressure point is his best friend, John Watson.
John Watson's pressure point is his wife.
I own John Watson's wife, I own Mycroft.
He's what I'm getting for Christmas.
It's an exchange, not a gift.
Forgive me, but I already seem to have it.
It's password protected.
In return for the password, you will give me any material in your possession pertaining to the woman I know as Mary Watson.
Oh, she's bad, that one.
So many dead people.
You should see what I've seen.
I don't need to see it.
You might enjoy it, though.
I enjoy it.
Then why don't you show us? Show you Appledore? The secret vaults.
Is that what you want? I want everything you've got on Mary.
You know, I honestly expected something good.
Oh, I think you'll find the contents of that laptop Include a GPS locator.
By now your brother will have noticed the theft and the security services will be converging on this house.
Having arrived, they'll find top-secret information in my hands and they have every justification to search my vaults.
They will discover further information of this kind and I will be imprisoned.
You would be exonerated and restored to your smelly little apartment to solve crimes with Mr and Mrs Psychopath.
Mycroft has been looking for this opportunity for a long time.
He'll be a very, very proud big brother.
The fact that you know it's going to happen isn't going to stop it.
Then why am I smiling? Ask me.
Why are you smiling? Because Sherlock Holmes has made one enormous mistake, which will destroy the lives of everyone he loves.
And everything he holds dear.
Let me show you the Appledore vaults.
The entrance to my vaults.
This is where I keep you all.
OK, so where are the vaults, then? Vaults? What vaults? There are no vaults beneath this building.
They're all in here.
The Appledore vaults are my mind palace.
You know about mind palaces, don't you, Sherlock? How to store information so you never forget it, by picturing it.
I just sit here, I close my eyes and down I go to my vaults.
I can go anywhere inside my vaults.
My memories.
I'll look at the files on Mrs Watson.
Hmm.
Oh, this is one of my favourites.
Oh, it's so exciting.
All those wet jobs for the CIA.
Ooh, she's gone a bit freelance now, bad girl.
Oh, she's so wicked.
I can really see why you like her.
You see? So there are no documents, you don't actually have anything here? Oh, sometimes I send out for something, if I really need it, but mostly I just remember it all.
I don't understand.
You should have that on a T-shirt.
You just remember it all? It's all about knowledge, everything is.
Knowing is owning.
But if you just know it, then you don't have proof.
Proof? What would I need proof for? I'm in news, you moron.
I don't have to prove it, I just have to print it.
Speaking of news You'll both be heavily featured tomorrow.
Trying to sell state secrets to me.
Tut tut.
Let's go outside.
They'll be here shortly.
Can't wait to see you arrested.
Sherlock, do we have a plan? Sherlock? They're taking their time, aren't they? I still don't understand.
And there's the back of the T-shirt.
You just know things - how does that work? I just love your little soldier face.
I'd like to punch it.
Bring it over here a minute.
Come on.
For Mary.
Bring me your face.
Lean forward a bit and stick your face out.
Please.
Now, can I flick it? Look at me.
Can I flick your face? I just love doing this.
I could do it all day.
Well, it works like this, John.
I know who Mary hurt and killed.
I know where to find people who hate her.
I know where they live, I know their phone numbers.
All in my mind palace, all of it.
I could phone them right now and tear your whole life down and I will, unless you let me flick your face.
This is what I do to people.
This is what I do to whole countries.
Just because I know.
Can I do your eye now? See if you can keep it open, hmm? Come on, for Mary.
Keep it open.
Sherlock? Let him.
I'm sorry, just let him.
Hmm? Come on, eye open.
It's difficult, isn't it? Janine managed to once.
She makes the funniest noises.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, stand away from that man.
Here we go, Mr Holmes.
To clarify, Appledore's vaults only exist in your mind, nowhere else, just there? They're not real, they never have been.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, step away! It's fine, they're harmless.
'Target is not armed, I repeat target is not armed.
' Sherlock, what do we do? Nothing.
There is nothing to be done.
Oh, I'm not a villain, I have no evil plan.
I'm a businessman, acquiring assets.
You happen to be one of them.
Sorry, no chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, stand away from that man.
Do it now! Oh, do your research.
I'm not a hero, I'm a high-functioning sociopath.
Merry Christmas! 'Man down, man down.
' Get away from me, John! Stay well back! Christ, Sherlock! Don't fire! Do not fire on Sherlock Holmes! Do not fire! Oh Christ, Sherlock! Give my love to Mary.
Tell her she's safe now.
Oh, Sherlock.
What have you done? As my colleague is fond of remarking, this country sometimes needs a blunt instrument.
Equally, it sometimes needs a dagger, a scalpel wielded with precision and without remorse.
There will always come a time when we need Sherlock Holmes.
If this is some expression of familial sentiment Don't be absurd.
I am not given to outbursts of brotherly compassion.
You know what happened to the other one.
In any event, there is no prison in which we could incarcerate Sherlock without causing a riot on a daily basis.
The alternative, however, would require your approval.
Hardly merciful, Mr Holmes.
Regrettably, Lady Smallwood, my brother is a murderer.
You will look after him for me, won't you? Hmm.
Don't worry.
I'll keep him in trouble.
That's my girl.
Since this is likely to be the last conversation I'll have with John Watson, would you mind if we took a moment? So here we are.
William Sherlock Scott Holmes.
Sorry? That's the whole of it.
If you're looking for baby names.
No, we've had a scan, we're pretty sure it's a girl.
Oh.
OK.
Yeah.
You know, actually, I can't think of a single thing to say.
No, neither can I.
The game is over.
The game is never over, John.
But there may be some new players now.
That's OK, the East Wind takes us all in the end.
What's that? It's a story my brother told me when we were kids.
The East Wind is a terrifying force that lays waste to all in its path.
It seeks out the unworthy and plucks them from the earth.
That was generally me.
Nice(!) He's a rubbish big brother.
So what about you, then? Where are you actually going now? Oh, some undercover work in Eastern Europe.
For how long? Six months, my brother estimates.
He's never wrong.
And then what? Who knows? John, there's something I should say, I've meant to say always and I never have.
Since it's unlikely we'll ever meet again, I might as well say it now.
Sherlock is actually a girl's name.
It's not.
It was worth a try.
We're not naming our daughter after you.
Oh, I think it could work.
To the very best of times, John.
'Smith brings it inside.
This looks good.
'Cassandra comes in for a shot.
Ooh, he missed it!' Oi, there's something wrong with the telly.
There's something wrong with the telly, mate.
Who's that? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? How is this possible? We don't know, but it's on every screen in the country.
Every screen simultaneously.
Has the Prime Minister been told? And Mycroft? But that's not possible.
That is simply not possible.
What's happened? Sir? It's your brother.
Mycroft? 'Hello, little brother.
How's the exile going?' I've only been gone four minutes.
Well, I certainly hope you've learnt your lesson.
'As it turns out, you're needed.
' Oh, for God's sake, make up your mind! Who needs me this time? 'Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? 'Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me? Did you miss me?' England.
But he's dead.
I mean, you told me he was dead, Moriarty? Absolutely.
Blew his own brains out.
So how can he be back? Well if he is, he'd better wrap up warm.
There's an East Wind coming.
Miss me?