Shrill (2019) s01e02 Episode Script


The city looks pretty When you've been indoors For 23 days I've ignored all your phone calls And everyone's waiting when you get back home They don't know where you've been, why you're gone so long [TURNS OFF ENGINE.]
Nah nah, nah nah, nah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh, whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh Nah nah, nah nah, nah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh, whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh Called me up in the early mornin' Hello.
I'm here for the weekday lunch buffet.
Yeah, seven bucks.
You can eat anywhere except the lap dance area.
Health codes are very strict.
Why is that? Just to make sure that no ass gets in the food? - [LAUGHS.]
- Are you from the Health Department? - No, no.
- 'Cause if you are, you have to say.
Otherwise it's entrapment.
No, no.
No, I swear I'm not.
I'm actually, um, I'm a journalist.
Yeah, I'm here to write a review of the buffet for the paper that I work for.
- Cool.
- Yeah, it is kinda cool, right? [CHUCKLES.]
We're both here workin', doin' our jobs.
Oh Oh, it's OK, you don't have to do that.
I'm mostly here for the shrimp, so DANCER: We literally do.
If there's a customer here, we have to dance.
- There's a sign in the break room.
- Oh.
Um Oh, my God.
Um do you guys make this, or is there a chef? It's Chinese delivery.
Really? 'Cause it's so fresh.
There's a Chinese restaurant across the street.
So what do you want? Oh.
Well, I was thinking I've never worn a thong before, and I I don't know, I just feel like it would drive me insane, and, like, I would be worried that I was gonna get my poop on it.
You don't wear a thong unless you have a waxed asshole.
Yeah, if you have a waxed asshole, then you can't get poop on it.
OK, that's Of course.
That makes total sense.
I'm starting to feel like I don't know anything about my own asshole.
Put it like this.
- You have a cup of pudding, OK - Mm-hmm.
and you dump it on a smooth, nice countertop.
- And then you wipe it up.
- Yeah.
And then you dump that pudding on grass.
What do you got? - A mess.
That's OK, these are new ideas for me, but they make sense.
Could I also ask you, like, does it ever feel weird to be in your underwear and then have men come in here and tell you what to do? Men do not tell me what to do.
I've got a fat ass and big titties.
I tell them what to do.
I never thought about it that way.
Yeah, I know some people are gonna say, you know, "She's just a stripper.
" But I'm good at it, and I make money, and I make my own rules.
- So - Yeah.
That that's so great.
I-I love that.
- I could never pull that off.
- Yes you could, bitch.
You've got a fat ass and big titties.
You should be telling men what to do.
Thank you! That was so nice.
This is really fun.
Um Hmm! When you come down, this is for you.
Fran, have you ever waxed your asshole? Surprise! Happy first article! Oh, this is so, so nice! Are we having a little two-person party? No, you're just early.
There's gonna be other people here, and we're gonna get fucked up in your honor.
Oh, my gosh.
Well, I only rushed home 'cause I was gonna write my article, but I guess I'll write it after we have a party BOTH: [LAUGHING.]
ANNIE: My God.
There's someone at the door.
And they're just standing there.
- Who is it? - FRAN: Why aren't they knocking? What should we do? Should I get it? - Oh, it's Ryan - Oh, God!!! - ALL: [SHRIEKING.]
- Oh, God, why?! God God, are you OK? [GASPING.]
Where are you? RYAN: Ahh! I could bring you to small claims court for this.
Small claims court costs $30.
Do you have $30? Of course! What do I look like? Norm-core Ted Kaczynski.
ANNIE: It's still burning? RYAN: [GRUNTS.]
Well, I'm sorry, but I also don't know why you're here.
I wanted to talk to you, Annie.
Yeah, bye.
Apology accepted for pepper-spraying me in the face.
I don't apologize to white people.
- I really don't know what there is to talk about.
What? I was trying to figure out what I was gonna say out on the porch.
Um when you left my place, that really freaked me out.
Freaked out how? Like sad, scared, what? Not scared, not sad, not not sad I don't know, it's like I guess I don't know what you're trying to say.
I like you.
You like me.
I like you, too.
I always have.
But I didn't feel like I could tell you this huge thing in my life.
The abortion thing.
And that's that's so bad.
And if that's how it is, then we should not be together.
OK, but you can't just be gone.
I didn't realize I was gonna feel this bad.
I need you with me.
Like like one of those dogs with those guys in sunglasses.
What, like a blind person and a seeing-eye dog? No, like I don't know.
I'm not good with words.
Just tell me what you want.
OK, but you're saying all the right stuff now, even if it is in your like, garbled way, but you have to actually do it.
Let's go out on a date.
Like out? Like an "out" date? Yeah.
I'll do that.
Mm - ANNIE: What? - RYAN: What ANNIE: It's you're burn - it's burning me.
It's burning me.
- RYAN: Oh, fuck! I'm sorry.
- I want it I own it I want it I'll start it I want it I own it I want it I got it I want it I own it I want it I'll start it I want it [TYPING.]
We should cut your bangs.
Fran, you say this every time you get super-drunk, and the one time we did it, we both cried in the morning.
You're so wise.
And pretty.
And wise.
And your hair BOTH: [LAUGHING.]
Sarah's been begging me to give her a long bob.
- Bitch! - SARAH: What? - Bitch, are you are you ready for this lob? Yeah! Get your knife.
Let's do it.
I'm gonna get my scissors, and I'm gonna cut your hair off, bitch.
SARAH: Yeeees.
That's fun.
- This is sweet.
- Really? Yeah.
I'm sure Gabe wanted you to be like, "Orange chicken and tits," but then you gave us some "Humans are humans.
" Yeah, I just, I don't know, I didn't want to make fun of them.
GABE: Annie, I'm confused.
Literally what is going on? - Uh, OK - I'm confused about where my restaurant review is in this behemoth.
Well, I know it's not exactly the assignment - No, it's not.
- but I thought you would want me to follow my instincts.
And also, you know, I didn't want to trash it.
Like, the shrimp was very good.
You don't mention the shrimp.
You got 2,000 words here about your feelings about pudding? And someone named Jade's triple C-section.
Well, she almost died, and and now she uses her scar as sort of her calling card.
She makes more money.
It's I love the whole female empowerment shit, I kind of invented it in the '90s, I was the original bass player in Bikini Kill ANNIE: But you always say to find the truth in every story, and I think that that's what I did.
OK, but this is not your journal.
I'm gonna have to cut this way down.
- Really? - It's all going.
I-I think it's really good, and it's under the word limit.
Annie, I gave you an assignment.
I asked for a lap dance, you give me Twyla Tharp.
- OK.
- Not OK.
I get it.
It's not OK, and I get to say OK in the end of the conversation.
- Don't.
- OK.
That fucking sucks.
I worked so hard on that.
Yeah, but listen, he cuts because he cares.
All right? If he didn't like you, he wouldn't even look at you, or talk to you.
Well, he didn't look at me or talk to me for my first two years here, so I know, but look where we're at now, all right? This is progress, OK? - ANNIE: [LAUGHING.]
- Comin' up.
- Ew, God.
You two are so horny.
Either 69, or get outta my face.
- What? - RUTHIE: I'm serious.
Do you know what 69-ing is? - Yes.
- Heard of it.
It's when two people sort of become the numbers, like a six and a nine, both people be goin' for the privates at the same time, in, like, a stack or a side I'm not I'm not doing this.
- It's a double-suck.
- Yes! We know.
Best done standing up.
- ANNIE: This is nice, Mom.
- VERA: It's so peaceful and quiet.
You know they found a meth hut over there in the woods - a few years ago? - [SNORTS.]
Really? Yeah! It's OK, now, they cleaned it out, they turned it into an information booth.
- Meth information though, right? - No, it's about the park.
- Oh! I have to remind your father to do his prednisone.
Let me just text.
OK, but he has that alert on his phone, though.
Yeah, but I just need to double-check.
OK, but he's probably got it under control.
Well, then I'd worry that he didn't have it under control, so it's just easier it's for me anyway.
- It's just for me.
- OK.
OK, but you know what makes me happy, - is that we're out here exercising.
- Yeah.
You always feel better when you exercise.
I can tell.
It's easy, Annie, just put it on the calendar and just stick to it.
All right.
Why are you saying that to me? You know, we were having such a nice time, and then you just toss off a little comment like that? How does that make me feel? OK.
You said it, and I hear you.
RYAN: Your eyes match your dress.
Well, the meatballs match your eyes.
You look really clean.
And you, you're not clean? - No.
- ANNIE: But you look very, very good.
- Thank you.
OK, why don't you tell me the two best things that happened to you this week.
Um well, I guess one would have to be this.
- Really? - RYAN: Yeah.
- RYAN: For sure.
- That's a good answer.
- And the second one, um like, me and Mike took our Nana to see this Frank Sinatra impersonator.
- What? [CHUCKLES.]
- RYAN: Yeah.
And this is number one? I can't believe that.
What about you? What are your two things? Gosh, well, I feel like I have to make one this, right? - Yeah.
Thank thank God.
And my second one, I guess, well, I got to write an article for The Thorn this week about a strip club.
That's amazing.
In a strip club? I would have loved to go with you.
ANNIE: I know.
I know you would have loved to to have gone.
It was just very cool for me to like, get the assignment, 'cause I I don't know, they probably won't even publish it, but it still was cool.
And like, I really liked what I wrote.
Like, I was proud of it? Which I know is corny.
But That's not corny.
- That's really good, Annie.
- MIKE: What's up, stinkos? - RYAN: [LAUGHS.]
- ANNIE: Oh - What's up, dude? - RYAN: What's up, brah.
- You guys made it.
- Wow.
- Thanks, man.
- Hey, yes.
- You guys remember Annie, right? - Thank you.
Ow! - Sorry.
- Are you guys eating here too, - or are you - Yeah, right? Oh, may I? I love these little breads.
Just takin' three.
Is that cool? Can I take three? - Yes.
- RYAN: Right here.
Come on.
- Ahh.
- Wow.
MIKE: Smells good.
- This is nice.
- The gang's together, huh? - Let's do it.
- Love this.
- Ahh.
- MIKE: I'm telling you that the name is literally capping us on what we can do.
- No.
- Why aren't you listening to us? I'm listening to you, I'm just not agreeing with you, OK? - Why? - The name is "Talkin' 'Traz," which is about Alcatraz, which is - I know that that's - RYAN: OK? That means it's about Alcatraz.
You guys can't just get together and change the name without talking to me.
- It doesn't make any sense.
- OK.
We can keep it.
We don't have to get heated, right? MIKE: Go ahead.
What were you gonna say? Well, the two of us decided we're gonna branch out, so technically we have a majority.
Plus, there are other cool prisons.
- Really? Name one.
- Ja.
- The Rock.
- That's Alcatraz.
That's what we do the podcast about, idiot! - MIKE: Don't call me an idiot.
- RYAN: Don't point at me! MIKE: Fuck you.
I'll point at you all night.
- I'm gonna break your fucking finger off.
- MIKE: Let go of my finger! What are you gonna do? I got two fingers.
- RYAN: I'm gonna break that one.
- OK.
- MIKE: What are you gonna do? - RYAN: Do not touch me! [ALL YELLING.]
- You guys suck! - There you go.
Here, have a menu.
Read up on being a fuckin' asshole, which is what you are.
Fuck you, Ryan! Fuckin' moron! - RYAN: Oh, go fuck yourself.
- Fuckin' loser.
MIKE: You have a tiny dick! Tiny dick Ryan She's seen it and knows that's not true! [CHATTER.]
Sorry about that.
I just, uh Brother stuff.
Hey, um you're still coming home with me, right? Um Please? [RATTLING DOORKNOB.]
Oh, fuck! They locked the deadbolt! - Open the door, you fucks! - MIKE: Nobody's home.
OK, OK, please, Ryan, just stop.
This is already such a bad night.
RYAN: God, I'm so fuckin' pissed! OK, OK, obviously this is not how I wanted tonight to go either, like I'm the one who's wearing heels right now, you know? I feel like a fuckin' idiot.
- Why did you invite them? - You wanted to meet my friends.
I thought that's what you wanted.
It is.
But not like that.
Let's just go through the back.
What? The way that you always make me go? Yeah.
Unh! OK.
That was kinda hard.
Oh, excuse me.
I like your butt.
Ryan What? Annie, I'm just saying.
Is it illegal? Yeah, right now it kind of is.
You just want to go to bed? ANNIE: Mm What I wanna do is talk.
And touch a little bit.
But mostly just be together.
You know? And we might have sex, but we probably won't.
Yeah, we won't.
Like nothing at all? I mean, do you wanna watch me jack off? No.
No, I'm good.
'Cause I'm the one with the fat ass and the big titties.
So I get to decide what we do.
When, um I was yelling at Mike at the restaurant you looked pretty.
Um, good morning.
Oh, hiya! I'm Ryan and Mike's mom.
I'm Janelle.
Oh, my God.
Um, ma'am, hello.
Uh, I'm I I don't normally look like this.
I normally wear complete outfits top to bottom.
Oh, you don't ever have to apologize to me, sweetie.
You're just fine.
Oh, thank you.
Um, yeah, I'm I'm a friend of Ryan's.
- I was just in his room.
- Oh, I know who you are, Annie.
Ryan told me all about you.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh.
That's very nice.
Thank you.
And again, I apologize for not wearing pants.
Oh, no.
You know, when Ryan told me that you guys were dating, - I looked you up.
- OK.
Thank you.
- That's so nice.
- Oh, here's the Rye Bread! - Hey, Mom.
- Hi.
Did you do my laundry? Yes, and I met Annie here.
We're old friends now.
- Yes.
- Cool.
Mom, you know I don't like meat for breakfast.
- Ryan.
- Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a mean old bear first thing in the morning before he's had his coffee, but I bet you know all about that by now.
Well, yes.
Yes, he's like a disrespectful baby, but a man who should know better.
She's got your number, Ryan.
Now, Annie, Ryan here tells me you went out and got my grand-baby aborted.
Then she said she wants to have a funeral for the fetus.
Oh, shit.
Did you tell her to fuck off? Um, kind of.
I told her I was busy.
And then she was like, "Oh, well, I can do it around your schedule," and so I guess now I'm planning it.
I would have punched her.
No, no, she was actually really nice.
And Ryan had told her all about me, which was kinda nice.
And we had just spent the whole night together Raw dogging? No.
No raw dogging.
No hand dogging, no blow dogging.
It was just nice.
I guess Come on, man.
It's better than nothing! That's what I always wanted for you, a relationship that's better than nothing.
Oh, hey.
Oh, my God.
Sarah, you look amazing.
Fuck you.
You cut my hair while I was passed out! It looks good! And you said that I could.
Really? That's not how I remember it.
Wow, this is a very complicated situation.
I'll make it less complicated and I'll leave you guys alone.
How about that? Kinda dipping out of here.
SARAH: How could you do this to me? FRAN: We talked about this FRAN: Your hair was way too long and it needed trimmed.
SARAH: That doesn't mean you can cut it off.
How do you think I feel? I have never been so humiliated in my life.
Oh, go ahead and cut it! That's great.
SARAH: Why are you doing a southern accent? [SIGHS.]
SARAH: No, I don't! And I didn't fucking say you could cut my hair! And if I did I was wasted out of my mind.
- What the fuck, Fran? - [BARKING.]
SARAH: Shut up, Bonkers! Don't you tell my fucking dog to shut up! - Oh, yeah! Look! Look! - FRAN: What is it? Oh, my God! We did it! BOTH: [CHEERING.]
Why are you holding your boobs? Because I I don't know.
I'm not wearing a bra and I'm a real fucking writer! BOTH: [CHEERING.]
Fran, I am trying to talk to you.
Annie, come on.
I'm sorry, Sarah.
I am.
But I actually think your hair looks better this way.
And also I just had a dream come true 'cause I'm a real fucking writer now! Fran, we're done.
Yeah, right.
You love me.
SARAH: Not this much.
I'm sorry.
Did I just make a breakup? No.
She's just mad.
It's no big deal.
It seems like a big deal.
It's not.
Who cares? I'm so happy for you! BOTH: [CHEERING.]
Oh, my God! You're a real writer! Wow! There she is.
That's you.
That's my friend, she's on top of the world - Do you feel so good right now? - Yes, I'm so happy.
I can't believe he published the entire thing.
Gabe really liked it.
And you gotta check out the comment section, too.
- Really? I haven't even looked.
- Oh, you gotta look.
People are really nice on it.
They really get it, I think.
That's the best.
- Congrats.
- Thank you.
You deserve it.
- RUTHIE: Hey.
- Hey.
Um, did you need something? No.
You came over to me.
I just wanted to let you know that I always thought you were, like, a dumb person.
But your article was It was like, you know, it was very good.
Um, so you go, girl.
Wait, what? I said you go, girl.
- You go, girl.
- Oh.
Ruthie, thank you.
That's so nice.
That's like This is the best conversation we've ever had.
Could I borrow $5? Oh.
I mean $20.
- Twenty? - Mm-hmm.
It's for me.
Want to be special Something like your mother Want to be someone else Not me but another Right here in this moment I wish I could reach you I'm just a vessel Far away I see you Too many like us