Sick Note (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Queen of Hearts
1 No.
No way.
You're the first cop on the scene, dude.
Doesn't matter.
Backup to the police are 20 minutes away.
- She's still warm.
- Yeah, I still wouldn't do it.
- It's Marilyn Monroe! - I'd sneak a peek, but I wouldn't do that.
I do have some morals.
You won't get caught.
Her body would be riddled with evidence.
You know, prints, hair, - my semen.
- So? Dude, it's the Sixties.
DNA hasn't even been discovered yet.
No one will ever know.
They'd keep it on file.
They'd cut to a 70-year-old me explaining to my grand-kids that I went to prison for having sex with Marilyn Monroe's corpse.
Dude, this'll have to be my last one.
I gotta get ready for work.
Just take the day off.
I did.
[SNIGGERS.]
What, again? Yep.
All I gotta do is put up some missing cat posters.
So, Becca still doesn't know you killed her cat? Nope.
And she never will.
- [GAME CHARACTER NARRATES, GUYS RECITE.]
- I still bear the scars.
And I am their Queen.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh! - Shit.
- What's wrong? - Oh, shit! Shit! Becca's back.
- Shit! Oh! Hi, honey.
- Why can I smell smoke? - Can you? Oh, um, I know, huh there were some, uh, teenagers smoking some weed.
- Must have wafted in.
- Do you think I'm an idiot? Don't smoke in the flat.
- I told you, I've given up.
- What are you doing here anyway? Oh, I I had my scan today.
For my arm.
Oh yeah, how was it? Oh, it's always the same.
They don't they don't know what wrong with it.
They just said, you know, just keep it rested.
Just keep doing what you're doing.
Hasn't stopped you playing PlayStation then? No.
No, well they actually they said it was good exercise, for my thumb.
So, what are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you - shouldn't you be at work? - Oh, this isn't yours, you make it stink.
- Me lamp! - Yes.
Your your lamp.
Um You're not gonna believe this, but it was Peanut.
- Peanut's back? - Yeah.
And no.
Oh, it's the weirdest thing, he just jumped into the window.
- Oh, my God! - Like he was possessed.
You know, running around, knocking things over, including your lamp, - and uh - Why do you always lie to me? I don't.
Just tell the truth for once in your life.
I am telling the truth.
I can't do this anymore.
We're finished.
We're finished? What what what You're dumping me? But but we're only halfway through season 5 of Game of Thrones? Oh, great! So that's your only argument for us to stay together? - 'Cause I don't even like Game of Thrones.
- What? You cried when they killed Ned.
Get out! Get out! Get your things together and leave.
- But this is my home.
- No, it's my home.
You don't even pay rent.
I pay our Netflix subscription.
I'm gonna stay with my mum and dad, and I'm gonna give you till the end of the week to get your things out.
'Kay? [SHE SIGHS.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Ooh, harsh, dude.
Quick game? [HE SIGHS.]
Hurry up.
I'm coming, my sweetie.
Wear your glasses.
My my glasses make me look old, light of my life.
You are old.
Even Botox wouldn't help.
I'll just wear my glasses.
Oh, right.
Hello.
[SIGHING.]
How do I get her back, Ash? Don't know.
Maybe you need to give her some space.
What if what if I took her to a really expensive restaurant? You know, pay for everything, nice wine, steak.
Steak? Isn't she vegetarian? [SIGHING.]
Do you know what? She might be.
Shit! [PHONE CHIMES AND VIBRATES.]
So what are you gonna do? Can I stay at yours? Oh, man, that might be tricky.
The baby still sleeps with Vanessa.
I've just broken my arm.
How do I get over this? These things never work.
Can't it just be a key in a lock? The old days.
Those are my keys and that's a USB stick you're pressing.
[HE SIGHS.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? - Hi, am I speaking to Daniel Glass? Uh, yeah, that's me.
Just a remind that you have an appointment here at St.
Frederik's clinic at 12:15.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Just to let you know you won't be seeing Dr Leek today as he is on leave.
All of his cases are being overseen by Dr Glennis.
Dr Glennis? He's one of our best doctors.
You'll be in safe hands.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
[ENGINE OVER REVVING.]
- [CRASH.]
- [ALARM BEEPING.]
The NHS is on its death bed.
Long waiting times, outdated equipment, and wards riddled with MRSA At We Cover Insurance, we want to give our customers the peace of mind that their health is in good hands.
Our hands.
- We Cover Insurance.
- Bollocks.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING.]
Hello? [WHISPERED.]
Hey! Hey? Did, uh, did Michael notice I wasn't here? I don't think so.
Is it your first day here? What? No, no, I've worked here for like two years.
No way.
[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
Hi, this is Daniel at We Cover Insurance.
How can I help you today? I want to cancel my cancel my husband's plan.
Account number 31A28D.
Uh, yeah, why? - H he passed away.
- Oh.
Oh right, um, it says he's got another four payments to make, - I just, I - um, and plus, if you cancel now, you will, - er, invalidate your £35 M&S voucher.
- [SHE SOBS.]
[PHONE CLATTERS AND DISCONNECTS.]
Hello? - [HE SIGHS.]
- Ah, hi, Mom.
- Hi, Simon.
- No.
It's not Simon, it's - Daniel, your other son.
- Oh, sorry, Daniel.
- Everything okay? - Uh, not really.
[SIGHS.]
Becca kicked me out.
Oh dear Who who's Becca? But She My girlfriend who I've been living with for two years.
Oh, Becca.
What a shame.
- Do you think I could come and stay? - Oh! Your brother's calling.
Gotta go.
Hi, Simon.
You had one job to do, get me a make-up artist and you ass fucked it! You didn't mention it yesterday.
Isn't it obvious that I need make-up? I'm going on television to promote this fucking company.
- Yeah, sorry, Kenny.
- I'm working harder than a hooker's pussy to grow We Cover and can you explain to me why we only get a one-percent increase in the last quarter.
- Can you explain that to me? - Well, an increase is an increase.
I want you to fire some of these pricks.
Maybe it'll shove a red hot dildo up the rest of their lazy asses.
I I thought this was the best area for the interview.
With this bunch of gargoyles behind me? Wouldn't jizz on them if they were on fire.
Hi, this is Daniel at We Cover Insurance.
How can I help you today? Jesus-H-fucking-Christ, there's not a single face in this place that's fit for TV.
Except maybe her.
Move her to this desk here.
Get rid of this asshole.
We'll just keep the camera tight.
So we don't get any of these other shit lickers in the shot.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Okay? Yeah, good.
I'm gonna crap.
Ah, hi, Mike.
He's the shit licker, right? Are you not on the phone to a customer? Oh, they they've had some shopping delivered.
Okay, well when you're done, can you come in for a quick word please? It's your numbers.
They're way up.
Oh, great.
Oh, no, no, it's not great.
You've got a very high cancellation rate.
I mean, our customers are slipping through your fingers.
You try keeping up an angry customer when all you can offer is a £35 M&S voucher.
That, I think, is a pretty good deal.
I mean, do you even like working here? - I love it.
- Now I'm I'm s I'm sorry, Daniel, to have to do this but I No, no, no, I I'm really sorry.
I've I've got my appointment.
Yeah yeah, of course.
- Another test? - Scan results today.
[SCOFFS.]
Uh, fingers crossed they finally - work out what's wrong with it.
- Let's hope so.
Wasn't it your left arm? Yes.
Yeah, it was.
But now it's the right.
I've been, uh, overcompensating.
Uh.
Very unusual.
Tell me, uh, Daniel, are you, uh are you a smoker? Uh, no.
No.
Ah, why? Something has come up.
Look I'll level with you.
There's nothing really wrong with my arm.
I was just trying to get some time off work.
Well, you may be getting, uh, a bit more time off than you bargained for.
[HE CHUCKLES.]
That was in in bad taste actually.
I'm uh, I'm sorry.
Sorry for what? I'm afraid I have to tell you, Daniel, that you have cancer.
[LOW ECHOING BOOM.]
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING.]
I have cancer? Yes.
Yes, there was a shadow on one of your scans and the the biopsy we did has, it has confirmed that.
I I have elbow cancer? No.
No, no.
Your your your elbow is fine.
There's there's no such thing as as elbow cancer.
Um you you have cancer of the osni of the oth uh, it's here.
You have cancer of the osni Very difficult to pronounce this one.
Yeah.
Your asnophagus.
My my oesophagus? That's right.
Your osnophagus.
Look, uh I'm gonna level with you.
Uh, it really couldn't be in a worse place but, uh, I am a very experienced oncologist, um, I've successfully treated many patients.
- You're a young man, you're fit, you're healthy.
- I'm not.
I don't do any exercise.
And I I do smoke.
Smoke all the time.
My diet's shit.
I've probably eat about fifty units already this week.
Yes that that explains a lot.
Look it's not all bad news.
I've as part of a special relationship we have here at the clinic, we treat every We Cover employee for free.
Just don't get fired.
That's what I say.
Ag-again, I'm I'm sorry.
Must assure you my doctoring skills are are better than my lightening the mood skills.
Huh! - Good Lord.
- What? I was wrong.
It says here you can get cancer of the elbow.
- - [DR GLENNIS MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
[HORN BLARES.]
So, tell me, have you ever been on television before? Yes, once.
- Well, I was on a train plat - I've done a million of these.
I dunno what it feels like to be nervous anymore.
- Well, what about stress? - You know what's good for stress? Fucking.
Well, yes but I've got something better.
I've been working on an invention that I'd like to run past you.
The stress thumb.
So What, you put that up your asshole? No, silly You put it in your mouth.
You know, I have a reservation at a rather exclusive restaurant for lunch.
Maybe you'd like to tell me all about it then.
You see We Cover works with a number of top clinics, that we immediately refer our people to.
We wanna offer the people the the level of care that we believe, everyone deserves.
Caring for the sick is what We Cover, is all about.
- [HE MOANS.]
- [STAFF GROAN.]
You fucking asshole! - Okay, um, can we - Watch the can we stop that that film, can we can we just - What the? - Okay, do - Gimme the tape.
- Are you okay? I've spoken to BBC news, and they promised not to run the footage.
- Thank God it wasn't live.
- Michael fire this cumstain.
Leave this to me.
Uh, Daniel, I I w y-y-you know the issues that we discussed earlier Fucking fire him! - I'm afraid - I've got cancer.
What? I've been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer.
So? Boo-hoo.
- Clear your desk! - Well obviously he's in shock.
- That's why he was sick.
- But so fucking what? One in three people get cancer.
That means that one of us was always gonna get it.
I'm just glad it was him.
Oh, now Kenny, there is protocol, um Daniel, maybe you should head home.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm sor I'm sorry, Mr West.
[HE GROANS.]
Take the cleaning bill out of his pay.
Oh hi, Daniel.
Look, I know Becca's chucked you out, but, honestly, we jus Ash, you all right? You'd loose your voice.
Your last words are just gonna be gargles and noises.
- It's not gonna be like that.
- My uncle had it It was horrible.
He just wasted away.
I didn't even recognise him at the end.
He just stank of death.
And now, you will too.
I dunno if I can go through this again.
Oh, honey.
Come here.
It's gonna be okay.
He is gonna get through this, and we are gonna help him.
I.
.
I love you.
You too.
Now, I really need to get some sleep, because Benny's gonna be up in a few hours.
Everything will look better in the morning.
[HE SIGHS.]
All right, come on.
Yeah.
Well, I wanted to apologise, on behalf of Mr West and myself, for any distress that was caused yesterday.
I I'm sorry for throwing up on Mr West.
Uh, it couldn't be helped.
I don't I guess there was a funny side to it.
- Did he did he think it was funny? - No.
Anyway, um, your job here is safe.
- That's amazing.
Thank you, Michael.
- No, thank you, Daniel.
Thank you for all your hard wor for your bravery.
I I'll just yeah.
Huh.
You know I didn't want it to end like this.
It was my fault.
I was a terrible boyfriend.
I took you for granted.
Spent all your money.
Didn't give you anything back.
We had something great.
.
and I blew it.
[SHE CLICKS HER MOUTH.]
Have you found somewhere to stay? Yeah yeah, no, I'm staying with Ash, - for a bit - Oh.
Oh, right I I I thought you were gonna try and find a place on your own.
Oh, well, I'll be fine.
So your arm's better then.
Yeah, yeah, my arm my arm's fine.
Everything's fine.
Yeah, okay, I know when you're lying to me Daniel, what's going on? Uh, I wasn't gonna say anything but [TEARILY.]
You were gonna go without telling me.
- [HE SIGHS.]
- You can't do this on your own.
Wait a minute Are you bullshitting me? Look, I know I've told a few white lies in my time, but come on, people people don't lie about cancer.
I want to be there for you.
[HE CHUCKLES.]
[SHE MOANS SOFTLY.]
[HE MOAN.]
[SHE ALSO MOANS, FAKELY.]
[SHE LAUGHS, FAKELY.]
Fuck, I was, but it hasn't been like that for ages.
Oh yeah! - Where did we go wrong, Becca? - We? Really? No, I just I just couldn't trust you.
You lied to me all the time.
Look full disclosure.
I've got something else to tell you.
Peanut's dead.
What? Mmm.
Oh, no.
Oh, God no.
I didn't Well, did someone cause it? Was it a car? No um I killed him.
It was an accident, you know.
I I was walking out the door, I didn't realise he was behind me, and I slammed the door on his neck.
Yeah, but it was instant No.
No more lies.
It wasn't instant, it was I had to slam the door three or four more times to stop the screaming.
- [HE SIGHS.]
- Poor Peanut.
Look, I'm gonna finish packing my things.
No no! No way.
I don't want you to move out.
You know, like you said, it was an accident.
You need me right now, and I wanna be there for you, every step of the way.
I love you.
[SHE SIGHS.]
I love you too.
Hey are you feeling better? Oh, yeah.
Was it something you ate, or stress? Uh, probably stress, I I had just been diagnosed with cancer.
Yeah, right.
Well say hello to: 'Stressthumb'.
You place it over your actual thumb, suck, and it releases essential vitamins and minerals, that will melt your stress away.
It's strawberry flavoured.
Oh, what a - great idea.
- I know, no one's ever made these before.
So you're saying 'six months'? Yes.
So so so, Daniel might be dead in six months.
Yes, yes.
Less even.
Oh, my God.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
- What? - 07700-900843.
You've taken my phone, you fucking idiot.
Really? Uh, hang on Oh, sorry I have to speak to another patient about a rather important matter.
- [HE GROANS.]
- Um Ugh! Ah, ha-ha-ha.
I always forget it opens inward.
You should get a second opinion.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [WHOOSHING FLOURISH.]
- I can take as many days off as I like, - Uh-huh.
people at work, who used to ignore me, now bring me coffee, and everyone's just being so nice to me.
Huh, what, even even your folks? Oh yeah I I haven't actually told them yet.
You haven't, hmm? So - You and Becca? - Yeah, yeah, thing's are good.
You know I've realised I was taking her for granted all this time so - Not anymore.
- Well, proud of you dude.
Hey, if you ever need anything from me, just holler.
Yeah, right now I need you to stop pissing about, and lay down some suppressing fire.
- Gonna storm that bunker.
- Ha-ha-ha, okay Locking and loading.
Stealing and self-administering medication is dangerous and illegal.
Can I ask wha - this is in connection with? - The missing Botox.
I've no id I've no idea what you're talking about.
Ian, how do you explain your face? We, uh, we we had a crab supper last night, and I I think I think I'm having - an allergic reaction to it.
- Look at you, you're a mess.
The last time you covered for Dr Leek you prescribed Tetracycline to a pregnant woman.
It could've killed her, not to mention her unborn child.
Thank God the pharmacist spotted it.
No, I didn't know she was pregnant.
She was in her third trimester! This is it, Iain, one more slip-up, and you're finished.
- - [HE MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
Okay, can I take some details, from you first, um Hey, champ um, you've got a visitor to see you, in my office.
Can I just put you on hold, for one second? - [WHISPERED.]
Who is it? - Ah, your doctor.
Glennis, is it? [WHOOSHING, WARPING FLOURISH.]
What is it? - It.
.
it's spread, hasn't it? - No.
It's it's it's not, it's not bad news.
In fact it's it's actually the opposite of bad news.
G-g-go on.
I'm very pleased to say, Daniel, that you.
you don't have cancer.
[WHOOSHING, WARPING FLOURISH.]
I I don't have cancer? No.
- So I'm I'm not I'm not ill? - No! Oh, my God.
Thank you, thank you, God, I-I don't have cancer? No, you're, you're as fit as a fisherman.
Oh, my God.
Um If you just sign that for me, it's just it's a formality.
I wouldn't Oh, Th-thank you so much Dr Glennis.
I can't believe it.
Ha-ha-ha, it's amazing.
What, uh, what's this? It's just a formality, you don't Uh, "I hereby agree, - "not to tell anyone - don't have to read it all.
"that I was misdiagnosed with cancer.
" I'm not signing this! - I really, really need you to sign it.
- No, no way.
You told me I had cancer.
Do you know what I've been through? Jesus! Please! If this get's out, I'm finished.
My wife will leave me.
She's only sticking around for the money, what's left of it.
She can't even bare to touch me.
That that's not really my problem.
Fine.
then you will be in breach of doctor-patient confidentiality.
That only works one way! D-does it? Oh, all right.
I'll I'll pay you.
- How much? - Fifty pounds.
- [HUSHED.]
God! - No, sixty! Tell your boss, he'll be hearing from my lawyer, first thing.
Yeah! I'm sure my lawyer is gonna be very interested to read this 'contract'.
N-no please! - Fuck you cancer, fuck you.
- Oh no has it spread? No.
No, no, i-i-it hasn't.
Um - Lost my dad to liver cancer last year.
- That's awful.
I dunno how I'd cope.
Yeah the the thing is I I don't have cancer.
God, you're so funny.
[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
- Hi, this is Becca, leave a message.
- [BEEP.]
Hey, babe.
Listen, I'm taking you out tonight, somewhere fancy.
We've got something to celebrate.
I can't remember the last time you took me out on a date.
Ha! Well, there'll be plenty more dates from now on.
Mmm, yeah be it six months two years Well, who knows, you might even out-live me.
Well, you know, you might just be right.
- Mmm.
- Um because we're here to celebrate - and - I just want you to know.
that I'm going to be here for you, throughout your illness.
Oh, that that means so much to me.
- Anyway, er - And to think I've given up on you.
It's just [TEARILY.]
Well, I promise I won't again, not now that you are sick.
[CHUCKLES DISBELIEVINGLY.]
Um - Don't take this the wrong way - Mmm.
but [HE SIGHS.]
Do you only love me now, because of my, you know, illness? I'm not gonna lie to you yes, but it's made you a better person.
You're more thoughtful, loving, and, well honest.
[CHUCKLES QUIETLY.]
Wow it's almost like, me getting cancer was - what our relationship needed.
- Yeah.
Cheers.
[SLOWLY INTENSIFYING WHOOSHING.]
Tomorrow I'll tell her tomorrow.
- Ooh.
Shit, - What? I've left my phone at the restaurant.
I have to go back.
- Uh, do you want me to come with? - No, no, no, no.
You go in.
Yeah, uh, I'll pop by the shop too.
- Do you want me to get you some beers? - Oh, you're the best.
- [GAME CHARACTER NARRATES.]
- - [DANIEL AND GAMER MATE JOIN THE NARRATION.]
- - - [BOTH LAUGH.]
Dude, that's such amazing news! You must be so relieved.
Yeah Look, it sounds awful, but having cancer all week has been so great.
My job's safe people giving me stuff - Becca's taken me back, - That's great.
you know, and last night she even she even licked my, uh Licked your what? Your balls? No, no, um, behind there.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Wow what was that like? - Yeah yeah, no, it was it was all right, I guess.
It was a bit uncomfortable.
I've got twenty minutes.
And this is all gonna end when I tell everyone.
What do you mean "when"? You you haven't told Becca yet? No no, I was gonna tell her tonight but You know, the right moment didn't come up.
Well, when is the right moment? I mean the next time she's licking your asshole? [HE CHUCKLES.]
This just feels wrong.
I know.
And not hot wrong.
Yeah, I know.
He's dying, we shouldn't be doing this.
I was all ready to leave him, and now this He needs me.
I feel awful.
- I feel awful, he was my best friend.
- Yeah, and I'm his girlfriend.
He needs me, he's got cancer, Ash.
I've got to be there for him.
- Not sexually.
- Ugh! No.
God, no.
I can't leave him now.
Everyone will just be saying how much of a heartless bitch you were.
Uh, what about you? Screwing your best friend's girlfriend while he's dying.
Not to mention your wife and baby.
Why do bad things always happen to me? We should end this.
You're right.
- I think we should end this right now.
- We can't see each other again.
After this one.
Yeah, this this is the last one.
It's the last one.
[SHE MOANS.]
Oh, Ash! Ash! - [PHONE VIBRATES.]
- [PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING.]
Shush.
Hello.
It's work.
They want to know where you are.
Can you tell 'em I've I've left already, my love.
[HE SIGHS DEEPLY.]
[PHONE VIBRATES AGAIN.]
If you tell her, she'll leave you.
Will she? She wouldn't do that.
Would she? No.
No more lies.
[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
- Hi, this is Becca.
Leave a message.
- [BEEP.]
Rebecca.
Yeah, I-I-I just want you to know that I, uh I just want you to know, I don't have cancer! Yeah, it-it-it was all a mistake.
Um, I just found out, total misdiagnosis.
Um, isn't that amazing? Um Anyway, I-I-I can't wait to see you and and.
.
and to celebrate.
I love you so much.
Okay, bye.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
- Oh, there you are.
That's so weird, I was just leaving you a voice mess Follow me.
Here he is! Oh, surprise! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
Um, Daniel, I-I I would just like to say, uh, myself, Mr West and, well everybody at We Cover are here for you [ALL.]
Hear, hear! and, uh, a trust has been set up in your name that will help go in to, uh, funding research into oesophageal cancer.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
[ALL.]
Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Yeah.
Um Yeah, uh You you guys uh, you know, you you've been so great.
Um You're not gonna believe this but I - [WHOOSHING FLOURISH.]
- [WHOOSHING FLOURISH.]
[MOUTHED.]
I love you.
Okay.
I remember everything about the day I was diagnosed with cancer.
I still bear the scars.
You are all my family, now And I am your Queen of hearts.
Queen of Queen of hearts.
Queen Whoo! Uh, Dad! Humphrey Bogart died of oesophageal cancer.
Oh, really? Oh God.
I wanted you to phone everyday.
Yep, no, I will.
Yeah.
Uh, otherwise your mum will worry.
Yeah.
Thanks, Dad.
- Oh! - Ooh.
Ah ha-ha.
[WHOOSHING FLOURISH.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Dr Iain Glennis speaking.
Okay, I'm not gonna tell anyone about your mistake.
Ah, that is absolutely [CHUCKLING.]
wonderful.
But you've got to do something for me.
[SLURRED.]
Yes, anything.
We're gonna pretend I've got cancer, and then we're gonna say that you cured me.
Will people believe us? Can we do it? Yeah, yes.
Yes.
Yes, we can do this.
Okay.
I've got cancer then.
[HE LAUGHS.]
[HE COUGHS.]
[HE CONTINUES COUGHING.]
[HE GROANS.]
[NOISY WHIRRING.]
Oh, I love you.
[SHE SIGHS.]
You misspelled suicide.
Mmm, you were so brave today, baby.
Oh, I couldn't have done it without you.
- I'm gonna check my messages.
- Mmm.
- [SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.]
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Mmm, there's one from you.
- You have two new messages.
Rebecca - Yeah, I-I just want you to know that - Arrrgh! - What's wrong? - Oh, it's my cancer.
Ooh! Oh, could you put that down and and just get me a glass - a glass of water? Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
I've got something to tell you I don't have can [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
- Well, should I take you to a hospital? - Oh, no, no, it's been so it's passed.
[EXHALES.]
I'm okay.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
Thanks, babe.
Oh, God poor thing.
- [SHE FUSSES.]
- [HE GROANS WEAKLY.]
Oh Uh-oh! Oh! Hard at work, are we? Well, I'm only paying you for another six months, so Oh, Mr West.
So, any news on my Stressthumbs? I'm sorry but it's thumb down.
The lab boys said it was commercially not viable.
- I thought those trials took months.
- I fast-tracked it.
I was just so sure they'd be a hit.
You know, an early lunch with Kenny West will turn that frown upside down.
Really? That girl from accounts seemed pretty upset when you took her out last month.
Oh, look, you have a customer.
Cancer cunt.
[HE SIGHS DEEPLY.]
Okay, so that was definitely the last time.
Yeah, it's over.
You know, we should be doing nice things for Daniel, not this.
You're right.
Hey, I'll get him a secret cinema ticket.
They're doing Gladiator.
Whatever, come on.
Yeah, and I just need to you know.
Ew! I'm not waiting around for that.
Just ugh, just make the bed and let yourself out.
[GAME ZAPPING.]
- - [[PHONE RINGS THEN BEEPS.]
Hey, buddy.
You okay? [ECHOING.]
Uh, yeah, I'm good.
Listen, they're given me the afternoon off.
- I was thinking we - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- could grab a few drinks, play some pool.
- You about? Ash? - Ash, are you still there? - [HUSHED.]
Yeah, man.
It just went really quiet.
Can barely hear you.
[WHISPERED.]
Yeah, um I'm just on the toilet.
Oh, great.
You've been taking a dump this whole time? Oh, sorry.
Um, look, you got the Game of Thrones Blu-Ray box set, right? Uh, Torch-Winterfell Edition, yes.
Could you just, um, help me check something on the back? Can't it wait? It's just, it's kind of an emergency.
[CLICK.]
[MOUTHS.]
What the fuck! Yeah, okay man.
Uh, what what you wanna know? What special features are listed? Uh, photo gallery, anatomy of an episode featurette, the season 7 preview [DISCONNECTED TONE.]
You're welcome.
Oh! That's not one of mine.
She'd kill me if I forgot to flush that.
It's like I've won the lottery.
- By lying about having cancer? - It's only for six months okay? And then everyone will think I've beat it.
And then get my life back on track and no one will ever know - I faked cancer.
- [ASH.]
You faked it? Who's that? Ash? What are you doing on my window? You you lied to everyone.
You lied to me.
- What is going on? - [PHONE CHIMES AND VIBRATES.]
- You and Becca? - I cried for you, Daniel.
- I cried for days, you're my best friend.
- Who's fucking my girlfriend! Gonna give you secret cinema tickets! - They're doing Gladiator! - You've just had a baby! Becca's my girlfriend and you're my best Aaaah! - [THUD.]
- Ash! Shit.
Daniel? Dude, you still there? Daniel? - Do you wanna go to prison for murder? - Murder?! [SIREN WAILS.]
Oh, for Pete's sake.
You bastard! I thought you'd been arrested.
No way.
You're the first cop on the scene, dude.
Doesn't matter.
Backup to the police are 20 minutes away.
- She's still warm.
- Yeah, I still wouldn't do it.
- It's Marilyn Monroe! - I'd sneak a peek, but I wouldn't do that.
I do have some morals.
You won't get caught.
Her body would be riddled with evidence.
You know, prints, hair, - my semen.
- So? Dude, it's the Sixties.
DNA hasn't even been discovered yet.
No one will ever know.
They'd keep it on file.
They'd cut to a 70-year-old me explaining to my grand-kids that I went to prison for having sex with Marilyn Monroe's corpse.
Dude, this'll have to be my last one.
I gotta get ready for work.
Just take the day off.
I did.
[SNIGGERS.]
What, again? Yep.
All I gotta do is put up some missing cat posters.
So, Becca still doesn't know you killed her cat? Nope.
And she never will.
- [GAME CHARACTER NARRATES, GUYS RECITE.]
- I still bear the scars.
And I am their Queen.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh! - Shit.
- What's wrong? - Oh, shit! Shit! Becca's back.
- Shit! Oh! Hi, honey.
- Why can I smell smoke? - Can you? Oh, um, I know, huh there were some, uh, teenagers smoking some weed.
- Must have wafted in.
- Do you think I'm an idiot? Don't smoke in the flat.
- I told you, I've given up.
- What are you doing here anyway? Oh, I I had my scan today.
For my arm.
Oh yeah, how was it? Oh, it's always the same.
They don't they don't know what wrong with it.
They just said, you know, just keep it rested.
Just keep doing what you're doing.
Hasn't stopped you playing PlayStation then? No.
No, well they actually they said it was good exercise, for my thumb.
So, what are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you - shouldn't you be at work? - Oh, this isn't yours, you make it stink.
- Me lamp! - Yes.
Your your lamp.
Um You're not gonna believe this, but it was Peanut.
- Peanut's back? - Yeah.
And no.
Oh, it's the weirdest thing, he just jumped into the window.
- Oh, my God! - Like he was possessed.
You know, running around, knocking things over, including your lamp, - and uh - Why do you always lie to me? I don't.
Just tell the truth for once in your life.
I am telling the truth.
I can't do this anymore.
We're finished.
We're finished? What what what You're dumping me? But but we're only halfway through season 5 of Game of Thrones? Oh, great! So that's your only argument for us to stay together? - 'Cause I don't even like Game of Thrones.
- What? You cried when they killed Ned.
Get out! Get out! Get your things together and leave.
- But this is my home.
- No, it's my home.
You don't even pay rent.
I pay our Netflix subscription.
I'm gonna stay with my mum and dad, and I'm gonna give you till the end of the week to get your things out.
'Kay? [SHE SIGHS.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Ooh, harsh, dude.
Quick game? [HE SIGHS.]
Hurry up.
I'm coming, my sweetie.
Wear your glasses.
My my glasses make me look old, light of my life.
You are old.
Even Botox wouldn't help.
I'll just wear my glasses.
Oh, right.
Hello.
[SIGHING.]
How do I get her back, Ash? Don't know.
Maybe you need to give her some space.
What if what if I took her to a really expensive restaurant? You know, pay for everything, nice wine, steak.
Steak? Isn't she vegetarian? [SIGHING.]
Do you know what? She might be.
Shit! [PHONE CHIMES AND VIBRATES.]
So what are you gonna do? Can I stay at yours? Oh, man, that might be tricky.
The baby still sleeps with Vanessa.
I've just broken my arm.
How do I get over this? These things never work.
Can't it just be a key in a lock? The old days.
Those are my keys and that's a USB stick you're pressing.
[HE SIGHS.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? - Hi, am I speaking to Daniel Glass? Uh, yeah, that's me.
Just a remind that you have an appointment here at St.
Frederik's clinic at 12:15.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Just to let you know you won't be seeing Dr Leek today as he is on leave.
All of his cases are being overseen by Dr Glennis.
Dr Glennis? He's one of our best doctors.
You'll be in safe hands.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
[ENGINE OVER REVVING.]
- [CRASH.]
- [ALARM BEEPING.]
The NHS is on its death bed.
Long waiting times, outdated equipment, and wards riddled with MRSA At We Cover Insurance, we want to give our customers the peace of mind that their health is in good hands.
Our hands.
- We Cover Insurance.
- Bollocks.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING.]
Hello? [WHISPERED.]
Hey! Hey? Did, uh, did Michael notice I wasn't here? I don't think so.
Is it your first day here? What? No, no, I've worked here for like two years.
No way.
[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
Hi, this is Daniel at We Cover Insurance.
How can I help you today? I want to cancel my cancel my husband's plan.
Account number 31A28D.
Uh, yeah, why? - H he passed away.
- Oh.
Oh right, um, it says he's got another four payments to make, - I just, I - um, and plus, if you cancel now, you will, - er, invalidate your £35 M&S voucher.
- [SHE SOBS.]
[PHONE CLATTERS AND DISCONNECTS.]
Hello? - [HE SIGHS.]
- Ah, hi, Mom.
- Hi, Simon.
- No.
It's not Simon, it's - Daniel, your other son.
- Oh, sorry, Daniel.
- Everything okay? - Uh, not really.
[SIGHS.]
Becca kicked me out.
Oh dear Who who's Becca? But She My girlfriend who I've been living with for two years.
Oh, Becca.
What a shame.
- Do you think I could come and stay? - Oh! Your brother's calling.
Gotta go.
Hi, Simon.
You had one job to do, get me a make-up artist and you ass fucked it! You didn't mention it yesterday.
Isn't it obvious that I need make-up? I'm going on television to promote this fucking company.
- Yeah, sorry, Kenny.
- I'm working harder than a hooker's pussy to grow We Cover and can you explain to me why we only get a one-percent increase in the last quarter.
- Can you explain that to me? - Well, an increase is an increase.
I want you to fire some of these pricks.
Maybe it'll shove a red hot dildo up the rest of their lazy asses.
I I thought this was the best area for the interview.
With this bunch of gargoyles behind me? Wouldn't jizz on them if they were on fire.
Hi, this is Daniel at We Cover Insurance.
How can I help you today? Jesus-H-fucking-Christ, there's not a single face in this place that's fit for TV.
Except maybe her.
Move her to this desk here.
Get rid of this asshole.
We'll just keep the camera tight.
So we don't get any of these other shit lickers in the shot.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Okay? Yeah, good.
I'm gonna crap.
Ah, hi, Mike.
He's the shit licker, right? Are you not on the phone to a customer? Oh, they they've had some shopping delivered.
Okay, well when you're done, can you come in for a quick word please? It's your numbers.
They're way up.
Oh, great.
Oh, no, no, it's not great.
You've got a very high cancellation rate.
I mean, our customers are slipping through your fingers.
You try keeping up an angry customer when all you can offer is a £35 M&S voucher.
That, I think, is a pretty good deal.
I mean, do you even like working here? - I love it.
- Now I'm I'm s I'm sorry, Daniel, to have to do this but I No, no, no, I I'm really sorry.
I've I've got my appointment.
Yeah yeah, of course.
- Another test? - Scan results today.
[SCOFFS.]
Uh, fingers crossed they finally - work out what's wrong with it.
- Let's hope so.
Wasn't it your left arm? Yes.
Yeah, it was.
But now it's the right.
I've been, uh, overcompensating.
Uh.
Very unusual.
Tell me, uh, Daniel, are you, uh are you a smoker? Uh, no.
No.
Ah, why? Something has come up.
Look I'll level with you.
There's nothing really wrong with my arm.
I was just trying to get some time off work.
Well, you may be getting, uh, a bit more time off than you bargained for.
[HE CHUCKLES.]
That was in in bad taste actually.
I'm uh, I'm sorry.
Sorry for what? I'm afraid I have to tell you, Daniel, that you have cancer.
[LOW ECHOING BOOM.]
[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING.]
I have cancer? Yes.
Yes, there was a shadow on one of your scans and the the biopsy we did has, it has confirmed that.
I I have elbow cancer? No.
No, no.
Your your your elbow is fine.
There's there's no such thing as as elbow cancer.
Um you you have cancer of the osni of the oth uh, it's here.
You have cancer of the osni Very difficult to pronounce this one.
Yeah.
Your asnophagus.
My my oesophagus? That's right.
Your osnophagus.
Look, uh I'm gonna level with you.
Uh, it really couldn't be in a worse place but, uh, I am a very experienced oncologist, um, I've successfully treated many patients.
- You're a young man, you're fit, you're healthy.
- I'm not.
I don't do any exercise.
And I I do smoke.
Smoke all the time.
My diet's shit.
I've probably eat about fifty units already this week.
Yes that that explains a lot.
Look it's not all bad news.
I've as part of a special relationship we have here at the clinic, we treat every We Cover employee for free.
Just don't get fired.
That's what I say.
Ag-again, I'm I'm sorry.
Must assure you my doctoring skills are are better than my lightening the mood skills.
Huh! - Good Lord.
- What? I was wrong.
It says here you can get cancer of the elbow.
- - [DR GLENNIS MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
[HORN BLARES.]
So, tell me, have you ever been on television before? Yes, once.
- Well, I was on a train plat - I've done a million of these.
I dunno what it feels like to be nervous anymore.
- Well, what about stress? - You know what's good for stress? Fucking.
Well, yes but I've got something better.
I've been working on an invention that I'd like to run past you.
The stress thumb.
So What, you put that up your asshole? No, silly You put it in your mouth.
You know, I have a reservation at a rather exclusive restaurant for lunch.
Maybe you'd like to tell me all about it then.
You see We Cover works with a number of top clinics, that we immediately refer our people to.
We wanna offer the people the the level of care that we believe, everyone deserves.
Caring for the sick is what We Cover, is all about.
- [HE MOANS.]
- [STAFF GROAN.]
You fucking asshole! - Okay, um, can we - Watch the can we stop that that film, can we can we just - What the? - Okay, do - Gimme the tape.
- Are you okay? I've spoken to BBC news, and they promised not to run the footage.
- Thank God it wasn't live.
- Michael fire this cumstain.
Leave this to me.
Uh, Daniel, I I w y-y-you know the issues that we discussed earlier Fucking fire him! - I'm afraid - I've got cancer.
What? I've been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer.
So? Boo-hoo.
- Clear your desk! - Well obviously he's in shock.
- That's why he was sick.
- But so fucking what? One in three people get cancer.
That means that one of us was always gonna get it.
I'm just glad it was him.
Oh, now Kenny, there is protocol, um Daniel, maybe you should head home.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm sor I'm sorry, Mr West.
[HE GROANS.]
Take the cleaning bill out of his pay.
Oh hi, Daniel.
Look, I know Becca's chucked you out, but, honestly, we jus Ash, you all right? You'd loose your voice.
Your last words are just gonna be gargles and noises.
- It's not gonna be like that.
- My uncle had it It was horrible.
He just wasted away.
I didn't even recognise him at the end.
He just stank of death.
And now, you will too.
I dunno if I can go through this again.
Oh, honey.
Come here.
It's gonna be okay.
He is gonna get through this, and we are gonna help him.
I.
.
I love you.
You too.
Now, I really need to get some sleep, because Benny's gonna be up in a few hours.
Everything will look better in the morning.
[HE SIGHS.]
All right, come on.
Yeah.
Well, I wanted to apologise, on behalf of Mr West and myself, for any distress that was caused yesterday.
I I'm sorry for throwing up on Mr West.
Uh, it couldn't be helped.
I don't I guess there was a funny side to it.
- Did he did he think it was funny? - No.
Anyway, um, your job here is safe.
- That's amazing.
Thank you, Michael.
- No, thank you, Daniel.
Thank you for all your hard wor for your bravery.
I I'll just yeah.
Huh.
You know I didn't want it to end like this.
It was my fault.
I was a terrible boyfriend.
I took you for granted.
Spent all your money.
Didn't give you anything back.
We had something great.
.
and I blew it.
[SHE CLICKS HER MOUTH.]
Have you found somewhere to stay? Yeah yeah, no, I'm staying with Ash, - for a bit - Oh.
Oh, right I I I thought you were gonna try and find a place on your own.
Oh, well, I'll be fine.
So your arm's better then.
Yeah, yeah, my arm my arm's fine.
Everything's fine.
Yeah, okay, I know when you're lying to me Daniel, what's going on? Uh, I wasn't gonna say anything but [TEARILY.]
You were gonna go without telling me.
- [HE SIGHS.]
- You can't do this on your own.
Wait a minute Are you bullshitting me? Look, I know I've told a few white lies in my time, but come on, people people don't lie about cancer.
I want to be there for you.
[HE CHUCKLES.]
[SHE MOANS SOFTLY.]
[HE MOAN.]
[SHE ALSO MOANS, FAKELY.]
[SHE LAUGHS, FAKELY.]
Fuck, I was, but it hasn't been like that for ages.
Oh yeah! - Where did we go wrong, Becca? - We? Really? No, I just I just couldn't trust you.
You lied to me all the time.
Look full disclosure.
I've got something else to tell you.
Peanut's dead.
What? Mmm.
Oh, no.
Oh, God no.
I didn't Well, did someone cause it? Was it a car? No um I killed him.
It was an accident, you know.
I I was walking out the door, I didn't realise he was behind me, and I slammed the door on his neck.
Yeah, but it was instant No.
No more lies.
It wasn't instant, it was I had to slam the door three or four more times to stop the screaming.
- [HE SIGHS.]
- Poor Peanut.
Look, I'm gonna finish packing my things.
No no! No way.
I don't want you to move out.
You know, like you said, it was an accident.
You need me right now, and I wanna be there for you, every step of the way.
I love you.
[SHE SIGHS.]
I love you too.
Hey are you feeling better? Oh, yeah.
Was it something you ate, or stress? Uh, probably stress, I I had just been diagnosed with cancer.
Yeah, right.
Well say hello to: 'Stressthumb'.
You place it over your actual thumb, suck, and it releases essential vitamins and minerals, that will melt your stress away.
It's strawberry flavoured.
Oh, what a - great idea.
- I know, no one's ever made these before.
So you're saying 'six months'? Yes.
So so so, Daniel might be dead in six months.
Yes, yes.
Less even.
Oh, my God.
[PHONE VIBRATES.]
- What? - 07700-900843.
You've taken my phone, you fucking idiot.
Really? Uh, hang on Oh, sorry I have to speak to another patient about a rather important matter.
- [HE GROANS.]
- Um Ugh! Ah, ha-ha-ha.
I always forget it opens inward.
You should get a second opinion.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [WHOOSHING FLOURISH.]
- I can take as many days off as I like, - Uh-huh.
people at work, who used to ignore me, now bring me coffee, and everyone's just being so nice to me.
Huh, what, even even your folks? Oh yeah I I haven't actually told them yet.
You haven't, hmm? So - You and Becca? - Yeah, yeah, thing's are good.
You know I've realised I was taking her for granted all this time so - Not anymore.
- Well, proud of you dude.
Hey, if you ever need anything from me, just holler.
Yeah, right now I need you to stop pissing about, and lay down some suppressing fire.
- Gonna storm that bunker.
- Ha-ha-ha, okay Locking and loading.
Stealing and self-administering medication is dangerous and illegal.
Can I ask wha - this is in connection with? - The missing Botox.
I've no id I've no idea what you're talking about.
Ian, how do you explain your face? We, uh, we we had a crab supper last night, and I I think I think I'm having - an allergic reaction to it.
- Look at you, you're a mess.
The last time you covered for Dr Leek you prescribed Tetracycline to a pregnant woman.
It could've killed her, not to mention her unborn child.
Thank God the pharmacist spotted it.
No, I didn't know she was pregnant.
She was in her third trimester! This is it, Iain, one more slip-up, and you're finished.
- - [HE MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
Okay, can I take some details, from you first, um Hey, champ um, you've got a visitor to see you, in my office.
Can I just put you on hold, for one second? - [WHISPERED.]
Who is it? - Ah, your doctor.
Glennis, is it? [WHOOSHING, WARPING FLOURISH.]
What is it? - It.
.
it's spread, hasn't it? - No.
It's it's it's not, it's not bad news.
In fact it's it's actually the opposite of bad news.
G-g-go on.
I'm very pleased to say, Daniel, that you.
you don't have cancer.
[WHOOSHING, WARPING FLOURISH.]
I I don't have cancer? No.
- So I'm I'm not I'm not ill? - No! Oh, my God.
Thank you, thank you, God, I-I don't have cancer? No, you're, you're as fit as a fisherman.
Oh, my God.
Um If you just sign that for me, it's just it's a formality.
I wouldn't Oh, Th-thank you so much Dr Glennis.
I can't believe it.
Ha-ha-ha, it's amazing.
What, uh, what's this? It's just a formality, you don't Uh, "I hereby agree, - "not to tell anyone - don't have to read it all.
"that I was misdiagnosed with cancer.
" I'm not signing this! - I really, really need you to sign it.
- No, no way.
You told me I had cancer.
Do you know what I've been through? Jesus! Please! If this get's out, I'm finished.
My wife will leave me.
She's only sticking around for the money, what's left of it.
She can't even bare to touch me.
That that's not really my problem.
Fine.
then you will be in breach of doctor-patient confidentiality.
That only works one way! D-does it? Oh, all right.
I'll I'll pay you.
- How much? - Fifty pounds.
- [HUSHED.]
God! - No, sixty! Tell your boss, he'll be hearing from my lawyer, first thing.
Yeah! I'm sure my lawyer is gonna be very interested to read this 'contract'.
N-no please! - Fuck you cancer, fuck you.
- Oh no has it spread? No.
No, no, i-i-it hasn't.
Um - Lost my dad to liver cancer last year.
- That's awful.
I dunno how I'd cope.
Yeah the the thing is I I don't have cancer.
God, you're so funny.
[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
- Hi, this is Becca, leave a message.
- [BEEP.]
Hey, babe.
Listen, I'm taking you out tonight, somewhere fancy.
We've got something to celebrate.
I can't remember the last time you took me out on a date.
Ha! Well, there'll be plenty more dates from now on.
Mmm, yeah be it six months two years Well, who knows, you might even out-live me.
Well, you know, you might just be right.
- Mmm.
- Um because we're here to celebrate - and - I just want you to know.
that I'm going to be here for you, throughout your illness.
Oh, that that means so much to me.
- Anyway, er - And to think I've given up on you.
It's just [TEARILY.]
Well, I promise I won't again, not now that you are sick.
[CHUCKLES DISBELIEVINGLY.]
Um - Don't take this the wrong way - Mmm.
but [HE SIGHS.]
Do you only love me now, because of my, you know, illness? I'm not gonna lie to you yes, but it's made you a better person.
You're more thoughtful, loving, and, well honest.
[CHUCKLES QUIETLY.]
Wow it's almost like, me getting cancer was - what our relationship needed.
- Yeah.
Cheers.
[SLOWLY INTENSIFYING WHOOSHING.]
Tomorrow I'll tell her tomorrow.
- Ooh.
Shit, - What? I've left my phone at the restaurant.
I have to go back.
- Uh, do you want me to come with? - No, no, no, no.
You go in.
Yeah, uh, I'll pop by the shop too.
- Do you want me to get you some beers? - Oh, you're the best.
- [GAME CHARACTER NARRATES.]
- - [DANIEL AND GAMER MATE JOIN THE NARRATION.]
- - - [BOTH LAUGH.]
Dude, that's such amazing news! You must be so relieved.
Yeah Look, it sounds awful, but having cancer all week has been so great.
My job's safe people giving me stuff - Becca's taken me back, - That's great.
you know, and last night she even she even licked my, uh Licked your what? Your balls? No, no, um, behind there.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Wow what was that like? - Yeah yeah, no, it was it was all right, I guess.
It was a bit uncomfortable.
I've got twenty minutes.
And this is all gonna end when I tell everyone.
What do you mean "when"? You you haven't told Becca yet? No no, I was gonna tell her tonight but You know, the right moment didn't come up.
Well, when is the right moment? I mean the next time she's licking your asshole? [HE CHUCKLES.]
This just feels wrong.
I know.
And not hot wrong.
Yeah, I know.
He's dying, we shouldn't be doing this.
I was all ready to leave him, and now this He needs me.
I feel awful.
- I feel awful, he was my best friend.
- Yeah, and I'm his girlfriend.
He needs me, he's got cancer, Ash.
I've got to be there for him.
- Not sexually.
- Ugh! No.
God, no.
I can't leave him now.
Everyone will just be saying how much of a heartless bitch you were.
Uh, what about you? Screwing your best friend's girlfriend while he's dying.
Not to mention your wife and baby.
Why do bad things always happen to me? We should end this.
You're right.
- I think we should end this right now.
- We can't see each other again.
After this one.
Yeah, this this is the last one.
It's the last one.
[SHE MOANS.]
Oh, Ash! Ash! - [PHONE VIBRATES.]
- [PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING.]
Shush.
Hello.
It's work.
They want to know where you are.
Can you tell 'em I've I've left already, my love.
[HE SIGHS DEEPLY.]
[PHONE VIBRATES AGAIN.]
If you tell her, she'll leave you.
Will she? She wouldn't do that.
Would she? No.
No more lies.
[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
- Hi, this is Becca.
Leave a message.
- [BEEP.]
Rebecca.
Yeah, I-I-I just want you to know that I, uh I just want you to know, I don't have cancer! Yeah, it-it-it was all a mistake.
Um, I just found out, total misdiagnosis.
Um, isn't that amazing? Um Anyway, I-I-I can't wait to see you and and.
.
and to celebrate.
I love you so much.
Okay, bye.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
- Oh, there you are.
That's so weird, I was just leaving you a voice mess Follow me.
Here he is! Oh, surprise! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
Um, Daniel, I-I I would just like to say, uh, myself, Mr West and, well everybody at We Cover are here for you [ALL.]
Hear, hear! and, uh, a trust has been set up in your name that will help go in to, uh, funding research into oesophageal cancer.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
[ALL.]
Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Yeah.
Um Yeah, uh You you guys uh, you know, you you've been so great.
Um You're not gonna believe this but I - [WHOOSHING FLOURISH.]
- [WHOOSHING FLOURISH.]
[MOUTHED.]
I love you.
Okay.
I remember everything about the day I was diagnosed with cancer.
I still bear the scars.
You are all my family, now And I am your Queen of hearts.
Queen of Queen of hearts.
Queen Whoo! Uh, Dad! Humphrey Bogart died of oesophageal cancer.
Oh, really? Oh God.
I wanted you to phone everyday.
Yep, no, I will.
Yeah.
Uh, otherwise your mum will worry.
Yeah.
Thanks, Dad.
- Oh! - Ooh.
Ah ha-ha.
[WHOOSHING FLOURISH.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Dr Iain Glennis speaking.
Okay, I'm not gonna tell anyone about your mistake.
Ah, that is absolutely [CHUCKLING.]
wonderful.
But you've got to do something for me.
[SLURRED.]
Yes, anything.
We're gonna pretend I've got cancer, and then we're gonna say that you cured me.
Will people believe us? Can we do it? Yeah, yes.
Yes.
Yes, we can do this.
Okay.
I've got cancer then.
[HE LAUGHS.]
[HE COUGHS.]
[HE CONTINUES COUGHING.]
[HE GROANS.]
[NOISY WHIRRING.]
Oh, I love you.
[SHE SIGHS.]
You misspelled suicide.
Mmm, you were so brave today, baby.
Oh, I couldn't have done it without you.
- I'm gonna check my messages.
- Mmm.
- [SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.]
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Mmm, there's one from you.
- You have two new messages.
Rebecca - Yeah, I-I just want you to know that - Arrrgh! - What's wrong? - Oh, it's my cancer.
Ooh! Oh, could you put that down and and just get me a glass - a glass of water? Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
I've got something to tell you I don't have can [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
- Well, should I take you to a hospital? - Oh, no, no, it's been so it's passed.
[EXHALES.]
I'm okay.
- Oh, my God! - Yeah.
Thanks, babe.
Oh, God poor thing.
- [SHE FUSSES.]
- [HE GROANS WEAKLY.]
Oh Uh-oh! Oh! Hard at work, are we? Well, I'm only paying you for another six months, so Oh, Mr West.
So, any news on my Stressthumbs? I'm sorry but it's thumb down.
The lab boys said it was commercially not viable.
- I thought those trials took months.
- I fast-tracked it.
I was just so sure they'd be a hit.
You know, an early lunch with Kenny West will turn that frown upside down.
Really? That girl from accounts seemed pretty upset when you took her out last month.
Oh, look, you have a customer.
Cancer cunt.
[HE SIGHS DEEPLY.]
Okay, so that was definitely the last time.
Yeah, it's over.
You know, we should be doing nice things for Daniel, not this.
You're right.
Hey, I'll get him a secret cinema ticket.
They're doing Gladiator.
Whatever, come on.
Yeah, and I just need to you know.
Ew! I'm not waiting around for that.
Just ugh, just make the bed and let yourself out.
[GAME ZAPPING.]
- - [[PHONE RINGS THEN BEEPS.]
Hey, buddy.
You okay? [ECHOING.]
Uh, yeah, I'm good.
Listen, they're given me the afternoon off.
- I was thinking we - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- could grab a few drinks, play some pool.
- You about? Ash? - Ash, are you still there? - [HUSHED.]
Yeah, man.
It just went really quiet.
Can barely hear you.
[WHISPERED.]
Yeah, um I'm just on the toilet.
Oh, great.
You've been taking a dump this whole time? Oh, sorry.
Um, look, you got the Game of Thrones Blu-Ray box set, right? Uh, Torch-Winterfell Edition, yes.
Could you just, um, help me check something on the back? Can't it wait? It's just, it's kind of an emergency.
[CLICK.]
[MOUTHS.]
What the fuck! Yeah, okay man.
Uh, what what you wanna know? What special features are listed? Uh, photo gallery, anatomy of an episode featurette, the season 7 preview [DISCONNECTED TONE.]
You're welcome.
Oh! That's not one of mine.
She'd kill me if I forgot to flush that.
It's like I've won the lottery.
- By lying about having cancer? - It's only for six months okay? And then everyone will think I've beat it.
And then get my life back on track and no one will ever know - I faked cancer.
- [ASH.]
You faked it? Who's that? Ash? What are you doing on my window? You you lied to everyone.
You lied to me.
- What is going on? - [PHONE CHIMES AND VIBRATES.]
- You and Becca? - I cried for you, Daniel.
- I cried for days, you're my best friend.
- Who's fucking my girlfriend! Gonna give you secret cinema tickets! - They're doing Gladiator! - You've just had a baby! Becca's my girlfriend and you're my best Aaaah! - [THUD.]
- Ash! Shit.
Daniel? Dude, you still there? Daniel? - Do you wanna go to prison for murder? - Murder?! [SIREN WAILS.]
Oh, for Pete's sake.
You bastard! I thought you'd been arrested.