Silicon Valley (2014) s05e03 Episode Script

Chief Operating Officer

1 Something's wrong with your "Frunk".
It's all "Frucked" up.
I've instituted an operation to safeguard our interests.
Uh, Gavin Belson's office, please.
You wanted me to unite the teams? They are united against me.
If I'm not inspirational enough for you, well then, there's the door.
[DESCENDING TONE] I will approve you as the sole beneficiary and the official executor of Mr.
Bachman's estate.
This is my incubator now.
You can't just kick us out Jin Yang.
[DOOR CLUNKING] RICHARD: Wait a second.
So, the guy who just kicked me out of my house now owns 10% of my company? Technically, he kicked you out of his house.
And he inherited all of Mr.
Bachman's assets including his 10% of Pied Piper.
- By faking his death.
- Allegedly! Look, Richie.
You didn't actually lose anything here, okay? Bachman is the aggrieved party, and if he is actually still alive, he'll get his 10% back when he shows up.
In the meantime, is it really any worse if it belongs to this Yang guy? No, I guess not.
So what's your real beef here then, huh, Richie? You got something against him? You don't have, like, a bias against Asians, do you? - Richard? - No, I don't.
No, I just don't like being kicked out of my house.
By a? N-Nothing.
By no one! By any race! Yeah, I'm hearing something different.
[SCOFFS] JARED: You'd tell me if you harbored - nativist feelings, nwouldn't you? - RICHARD: Yes.
Dana? Oh, hey.
JARED: Hey! Dana, this is Richard Hendricks.
He's the CEO of Pied Piper.
And, Richard, - this is Dana, CEO of Quiver.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I hear you guys are giving Akami a run for their money.
Oh, yeah.
Dana and I kept finding ourselves on the same bathroom schedule back at Hooli.
You know, men and their cycles.
- [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY] - JARED: You know what? You guys should get a meal together.
JARED: Right? You're You're kindred spirits.
You're both CEOs.
You have a lot in common.
Sure, yeah.
Maybe.
Yep.
Well, Richard, you're free tomorrow night.
But I'm not.
I have a big party at my house.
A lot of people I don't know.
So, see ya! What was that? I don't need you to make friends for me.
Oh, I just think you could benefit from a friendship with someone like Dana, who's so much like yourself.
Like me? You think that guy's like me? [STAMMERS] I just thought of something.
Do you guys want to come to my party? Dana, that's so gracious of you.
That would be delightful.
Okay, bye.
Mm-kay.
You don't see it? It's uncanny.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] Look at this.
This is what they're asking for a one-bedroom apartment in Menlo Park.
Oh.
What? Well, I can comfortably afford my new one-bedroom apartment.
You and I make the same amount of money.
I'm just wondering, what is the difference? Could it be that I didn't spend all my money on an absurdly over-priced electric car? RICHARD: Gilfoyle! So kind of you to join us.
You're welcome.
Yeah! Uh, well, it's, uh, 2:00 PM.
So, fourth day in a row you missed the stand-up meeting.
Correct.
Maybe you should hold it later.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, 'cause we literally moved it from 9:00 to 11:00 to accommodate you.
So do you mind telling us when you feel like you can make it in? Sure.
Whenever you hold the meeting, - I'll be in an hour after that.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay, well [LOUD ROAR] RICHARD: What the fuck was that? Uh, that's the song "You Suffer" by Napalm Death.
Oh, yeah? That's that's a whole song? That's like a second.
It's an alert.
Whenever the price of Bitcoin dips below a certain value, it's no longer efficient to mine.
When it comes back up, it is.
So, I need to know when it breaks that threshold, so that I can remotely toggle my rig at home.
Okay.
Any idea how often that might happen? Bitcoin is very volatile.
- So - [LOUD ROAR] That's just so loud.
- A lot.
- Good.
Alright, well maybe turn it down or something? - [LOUD ROAR] - RICHARD: Oh, fuck.
What's up? You guys working hard or hardly working? [CHUCKLES] 'Sup? Hey, buds.
How's it going? Man, these Bay Area rents, huh? High AF.
How's a guy supposed to live by himself, or lady, by herself? Especially on an everyman coder's salary, you feel me? Are you offering us a cost of living raise? Nope! Not at all.
Even better.
If one of you dudes is strapped for cash, do you a solid.
Move in, split the rent "fiddy-fiddy.
" Or, 40/ "siddy" depending on square footage of bedrooms.
Come on! Think about it! Jazzy Jeff! Hold up! [SNAPS FINGERS] Hey, uh, you got space in your crib? Um Yes, I-I have a room.
Hmm? [SOFTLY] Fuck.
Yeah.
Fuck yeah! [LAUGHS] There he is! [QUIET PARTY CHATTER] RICHARD: Nice place.
JARED: Yeah.
That's what a billion-dollar evaluation will get you.
Hey, what a great topic of conversation for you and Dana.
- Dana! - Oh, hey.
You're just standing there.
Like a cool cowboy.
RICHARD: Hey, yeah.
I-I really like your place.
Yeah, me too.
Well, he liked it, so he bought it.
Right? Just like you and that hoodie.
So, Dana, interesting story.
Uh, the reason Richard has this bandage on his neck, and that he's got one on his hand, is because he got so exhausted during a code sprint, that he walked through a plate-glass window.
Now, I-I read on Pando that you got injured also early on at your company? You should tell Richard that story.
Right? Interesting topic between CEOs.
If you want.
I mean, you don't have to.
JARED: Alright, I'm gonna go mingle.
[WHISPERS] Go get 'em.
So, how did you hurt yourself? I tried to commit suicide.
Cool.
Not You know, interesting.
[SIGHS] Oh, wow! You cashed another beer, you partier.
I haven't cut loose in so long.
I'll probably get sloshed off of one beer, and start babbling.
That's, um Let's have a beer, right? Let's celebrate! New job! New roomies! New Internet, right? I said I'd get sloshed off of one beer, crazy man.
Okay, um I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night.
No, no, no! You know what? Hold on! I'll have I'll have one beer! I'm not saying I don't like to party, Jeff.
You like vodka? Let's have a vodka.
Yeah! Let's do vodka.
Okay! - Yeah.
- [SPLASHING] That's so much of it.
That's a normal amount right there.
Is it? I like it.
It's really cool.
So, who painted it? A machine.
BEN: It's actually the first work of art made by AI to be sold at Sotheby's.
Sorry I'm late, Dana.
I got caught up.
Hey! Hey, wait a minute, you're you're Richard Hendricks.
Mm-hmm.
Sorry, I'm, uh, Ben Burkhardt.
I'm I'm Dana's COO.
Dana told me he invited you.
I'm so psyched you came! Yeah.
I got I have so many questions for you, man.
Do you want to grab a drink or do you want to stay here? - There.
Yeah.
- Oh, great.
I mean, even way back when I was finishing my PhD at MIT, I would tell anyone that would listen that a decentralized system was the obvious eventuality.
- Yep.
- And now it's more necessary than ever.
I mean, the stuff Google and Facebook are getting away with.
- It's insane.
Totally.
- Right? That's why I've always said that the user's data should be in the hands of consumers, not the corporations.
100%, but see, that can't happen, until someone iterates a functional alternative.
Which, I believe, Richard, I believe you're about to do.
Well, I don't know.
Trying to, yeah.
Have you solved, uh, co-locating data with the compute test? How do you know about that? - Do you code? - I used to, man.
Uh, yeah, I loved it so much, but, you know, I got drawn over to the business side.
JARED: Richard! There you are! - Hey.
Jared Dunn.
- Hi! Ben Burkhardt.
Hey, Dana.
So, it's 9:00 AM in Dubai.
I gotta make a call, so, excuse me, guys.
Oh.
So, um, Dana was just telling me that he prefers a late lunch, too.
Just like Is that right? Kind of.
Well, I see a colleague.
I'll leave you guys to to chat.
- Cool.
- Mm JARED: So, on the way out, Dana told me that he really loved meeting you.
He said it went great! Did you not think so? Yeah, it's just he didn't really talk, though.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES] That's one of his quirks.
He's fun.
Hey, you know who I did have a good conversation with? - Who? - His COO.
Who, Ben? Yeah, um, do you know him? Um, not well.
I hear he's a very competent executive.
But apparently, he left Oculus for Quiver in kind of an unprofessional manner.
Hmm, okay.
Well, he really loves Pied Piper.
Jared, come on! This is your condo.
Sleep in your bed.
Don't be silly.
Hey! Uh, leave the lights on as long as you want.
[PHONE DINGS] Uh, hey, Jared? - Yes? - Um Never mind.
Uh, see you tomorrow morning.
- Sweet dreams.
- [CHUCKLES] Right, if only.
Did I tell you about Gilfoyle's terrible song? Yes.
Yes, you did.
And I heard it.
[ROARS] I'm I'm gonna go clean the rice cooker, Dinesh.
You know what the worst part is? He's actually a decent coder.
He almost never fucks up.
Uh, wait, almost? One time, he royally fucked up, but even then, he ended up saving the day with all his fridges.
Fridges? Seppen Smart Fridges! And you know what? It was totally illegal.
Really? Illegal? - So, tell me about these fridges.
- Jeff! [WHISPERS] I can't tell you that.
It's a company secret.
Okay, um, let me get you some more vodka, Dinesh.
[ROARS] GAVIN: Thank you guys for seeing me on such short notice.
TOM: Well, it's an honor to have you, Gavin.
Back there, we test our compressor run capacitors.
But here is what I'm sure you'll be most interested in seeing.
This is our smart fridge development team.
To be honest, we were a little nervous about wading into the Internet-enabled market.
Over the last 80 years, we've built a real trust with our customers.
Alright! Great tour! [CLAPS HANDS] Oh, there's a lot more to see.
Ugh.
Why? Look.
I came here to offer you a partnership to cut down your server bills.
Oh! Well, our server costs were far higher than we anticipated.
As we said, we're not well versed in The 20th century? Yeah, you mentioned that.
Do you want to save a fortune or not? Well, yes.
In exchange, I need you to do something for me with regard to the people who hacked your refrigerators.
I'm going to destroy their lives.
- RICHARD: [LAUGHS] So, what? - BEN: So - So, I turned to Bill Gates - Yeah? Right, and I said "I don't know, Bill.
Maybe you should Google it.
" [LAUGHING] You said that to Bill Gates? [LAUGHING] I did! I swear.
Hey can I ask you, um Did you tell Dana that we were having lunch? Richard, I told you that Bill Gates story for a reason.
I, um, I practice something called "radical candor.
" Which is no matter how uncomfortable the truth is, I'm gonna tell it to you.
And the honest truth is I did not tell Dana about this lunch.
Things with Dana have gotten stagnant.
But the other night talking to you, Richard, I I felt that spark again.
- What are you saying? - Okay, well.
The first tenet of rad-can, Richard, is to just is to just say what you think, and so I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna say what I think, and, Richard, I think we should work together.
Oh.
You mean, like? Like, I could be your COO.
[CHUCKLES] Um I don't know.
Maybe we shouldn't be doing this.
Whoa, whoa, Richard.
We're just talking.
You see any numbers written down here? Do you see a Power Point? No, we don't even have a laptop.
Exactly! 'Cause we're not doing anything wrong.
Oh, shit! - Party of one.
- BEN [WHISPERS]: Shit.
I looked at his calendar and it said he had a meeting.
Okay, Richard, I'm gonna continue being honest with you and tell you that I have to leave now through the kitchen.
Okay, please don't tell anyone about this.
Okay.
RICHARD: What? Hey! Hey, Dana! What the heck? Dana, right? Oh, hi.
I'm just Are you having lunch alone? I am! I'm totally alone.
Uh, in fact [SNAPS FINGERS] do you want to, uh, join me at my table for one? Oh, okay.
Sure.
Come on over.
One beef pot pie.
One beef pot pie, no carrots.
Yep.
Here.
- Put 'em here.
- [DISHES CLATTER] I love beef pot pie.
And only kind of like carrots.
- [LOUD ROAR] - Oh, fuck! Gilfoyle, goddammit.
Could you please stop that fucking noise? I'm serious.
How will I know when to remote toggle my rig? Easy, you won't, and neither will any of us, because you won't remote toggle anything! No more remote toggling! Got it? - Just - Hey.
- Hey! - How was lunch, you little minx? What? Yeah, you thought I wouldn't find out.
I was, uh, texting with Dana.
Just checking in.
And he mentioned - that you two met up.
- Oh, yeah! Yeah! Just, just briefly for yeah.
Yeah! I-I-I knew you two would hit it off.
You know, Dana did mention that he thought you might be bulimic.
Okay.
Great, um Jared, do you think it's time we hire a COO? Oh! Did Dana suggest we hire someone like Ben? Yeah.
Yeah, like Ben.
You see, if you didn't have lunch with Dana, this never would've come up.
I'll put together a list.
Great.
Um Richard, you should see this.
What the fuck? Seppen is suing us for $10 million in damages.
The complaint specifically cites, "sullying their smart fridges with mime-simulated fellatio.
" "Our customers invite us into their homes.
"The kitchen is the modern hearth.
- We cannot have that trust violated.
" - DINESH: Is that a typo? Do they mean "heart"? How did Seppen find out it was us? I don't know.
You tell us, Gilfoyle.
You said you pulled all our code and bleached it.
Maybe you missed something.
No.
No way.
They have no proof it was us.
Ignore them.
Ignore them? What the fuck kind of solution is that? No.
"Hearth.
" It's a word.
Huh! We don't need to solve anything.
They have nothing.
Well, I'm pretty sure they have something, Gilfoyle.
- So you fucked up somewhere! - I didn't fuck up.
JARED: Well, guys, I'm sure there's something we can do here.
- - Uh, just give me a second.
[PHONE RINGS] Hey, sorry! I-I can't talk right now.
Can we meet up? Um, my place.
Midnight.
BEN [ON PHONE]: Okay, I gotta go.
Okay.
BEN: Okay, so wait.
You're telling me this Gilfoyle guy first hacked into the fridges as a prank? Without your knowledge? Uh, yeah.
Well, there you go, Richard! If you didn't authorize it, then he's acting as a rogue agent.
You tell Seppen that and Pied Piper's off Scot-free.
Yeah, but what would happen to Gilfoyle? I don't know.
There'd be criminal and civil charges he'd have to deal with on his own.
Oh, Jesus! I don't know.
Sounds kinda brutal.
In the end, being on those fridges saved us.
Richard, I-I told you about radical candor, yeah? Well, what I'm getting from you now, is the opposite of that.
It's actually something we call "ruinous empathy.
" You want to destroy your entire company just to keep one bad actor happy? That's not fair to you, Richard! Oh, come on.
Gilfoyle will never be happy.
This is exactly the kinda thing I could help you with if you hired me.
Hey, any news? [LOUD ROAR] Oh, goddammit.
Why is that thing still fucking doing that? I guess Gilfoyle forgot to turn it off.
It's been doing that all morning.
[LOUD ROAR] I don't have his password.
[LOUD ROAR] Bitcoin is really volatile today.
Yeah, okay.
Uh, where is he? Well, it's 10:00 AM, so not here.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, you know what? Fuck Gilfoyle.
Fuck him right to hell.
I've been saying that for years.
Where's Jared? - [LOUD ROAR] - [AWKWARD LAUGH] Richard, are you serious? Yes.
Well, I concede that laying it all at Gilfoyle's feet might get us out of the Seppen lawsuit, but I mean, you'd really throw him to the wolves like that? That doesn't sound like you.
Well, maybe I'm just becoming a little less ruinously empathetic.
Have you been seeing a therapist? No.
But I have been seeing Ben.
Ben Burkhardt.
Oh, Richard, no.
He's Dana's COO.
You're You're jeopardizing your entire friendship with Dana.
What friendship with Dana? Who could be friends with that guy? I got news for you, Jared.
Dana sucks, man! Richard! I mean, he is a dog.
[CHUCKLES] How did he even found his own company? Is he even smart? Okay, that's unfair.
Look, this is your company.
And you can work with whomever you want.
But I need you to think long and hard about what you're proposing to do to Gilfoyle.
We're talking about criminal charges here.
He could be deported.
There has to be another option.
Well, no offense, Jared, but Ben says there isn't.
Okay? And he is a world-class COO that has brought multiple companies to a billion dollars.
And you're just a biz Dev guy.
I'm I'm sorry.
I I just think that in this particular situation, Ben might know a little better.
Okay.
You're the boss.
You know, but I will say this.
If you're really going to start working with Ben, at least give Dana the common courtesy of telling him the truth about what you guys are doing.
Because if you don't tell him you're the dog.
[LOUD ROAR] [PHONE CLICKING] Thanks for, uh, having me over.
Of course.
So, it's gonna be a bit weird at first.
Then it's gonna be okay.
What? [PHONE RINGING] Hi, this is Jared Dunn.
Um, sorry, I don't recognize this number.
Jared? Come here now.
Jian-Yang? So Ben told me everything.
Oh! Uh Well Radical candor, I guess, right? Yeah, he told me how you kept texting him non-stop.
And he kept refusing, but you were relentless.
What? Uh, no! Richard, it's It's immaterial.
The point is, Dana knows everything now.
However it came to that, it's just words in the winds.
"Words in the winds"? Yeah.
Well, Richard, looks like you got what you wanted.
You're both adults.
You can work together if you want.
I just wish you'd demonstrated the measure of spirit to discuss this with me to my face.
But guess there's no honor among thieves, hmm? - [SIGHS] - Well good luck, gentlemen.
You deserve each other.
Dana.
[DOOR OPENS] - Wow.
- [DOOR CLOSES] You know, I've never really seen him like that.
He's so assertive.
Uh, articulate.
Yeah, he's had a head cold the last couple weeks.
Been pretty low energy.
Really? Yep! - Oh! - So, I guess You and me, huh, Richard? Together, at last.
- Yeah.
- [MOTORCYCLE REVS] Dana rides a motorcycle? Yep.
- Cool.
- [MOTORCYCLE LEAVES] So, uh, what exactly did you JIAN-YANG: The witch lost his mind.
Gilfoyle, you smoke? I kept mulling that Seppen shit.
I didn't leave a bit of my code on that fridge.
No remnants, nothing, so how do they know? Then I realized they're listening to us.
They've been listening to us this whole fucking time.
- Right.
- All these devices are listening to us! Okay, um Gilfoyle, I-I think you need some rest.
Not yet.
I checked their firmware and their logs.
The fridge is set to record constantly streaming everything back to the cloud.
They must have gone through those audio logs, and listened to our conversations.
Wait, even if they aren't listening to us, just the fact that they could be is interesting.
[WHISPERS] Shit.
They make smoke detectors.
I think there's one in the kitchen.
Those fuckers are listening.
Jian-Yang, are Are you copying all those companies for the Chinese markets? Oh, no.
- [SHATTERING] - GILFOYLE: Fuck you, Seppen.
[SPITS] Hey! Where have you been? Um, I stayed at Big Head's last night.
- Oh, God, I've been calling all night.
- Yeah.
I just didn't feel like getting reprimanded.
I-I thought maybe you were locked in another Starbucks bathroom overnight.
[LAUGHS] One time, Jared.
One time.
Okay, you're just gonna have to catch up on the fly, then.
On the fly, what? Richard Hendricks, - this is Tom and Viola from Seppen.
- How do you do? - RICHARD: Oh, hi.
- Alright, uh, we won't take up any more of your time.
Richard has called you in today, because of this.
Um, this is Seppen's Smart Fridge Terms of Service, where you specifically state that only refrigerator command-related user data will be uploaded to your cloud's service.
That's correct.
We believe that the refrigerator is the hearth of the modern Stop talking.
We know your refrigerators are streaming all recorded audio to the cloud.
Every single conversation.
Which is tantamount to illegal wiretapping.
You thought a mime performing fellatio was bad? What happens when your customers find out that every single thing they've ever said in front of their "hearth" has been recorded? Oh, shit.
We never listen to any recordings.
Look, we never wanted to get into this tech stuff in the first place, but our marketing department insisted.
Between us Gavin Belson was the one that pushed us to sue you.
Is there something we can do here? This is a deal memo stating that Pied Piper will fix your security issue, and update your system to Pied Piper's stack in the future which will lower your server costs and improve the security of your fridges.
In exchange, you drop the suit.
Uh, Richard? Did I state that correctly? Is that our offer? Uh-huh.
Yep.
I'd also like to tell you I have a Seppen bread machine, and I have never been happier with an appliance.
- TOM: Pleasure.
- VIOLA: Thank you so much.
Hey.
I'm so sorry if I overstepped my bounds.
It's just time was of the essence.
Are you kidding me? Jared, you saved us.
And you did it without having to fuck Gilfoyle over.
- Thanks! - Yeah, um We should talk about what they said about Gavin.
Hello, Pied Piper! Nice gender mix.
Could use a little more color.
Baby steps, right? Where do you want me? - What are you doing here? - What are you talking about? Well, I-I said I'd call you.
I didn't say I was hiring you.
Richard I-I left Dana for you.
I know.
Ha! I'm aware.
But let me try a little radical candor.
Um, cheating on your CEO and then blaming it all on me is not really the kind of behavior I like to reward.
Nor is pushing me to put my friend in jail.
- [LOUD ROAR] - Okay.
You want candor, Richard? You are objectively making a huge mistake.
I'm a world-class COO, okay? And your heavy metal friend? I mean, he's obviously a dick.
And you know You know what else, Richard? You're 20 to 30 pounds underweight.
It's gross.
Who was that? He seemed smart! Hey, Richard? I'm at least 45 pounds underweight.
Okay, and don't worry about him.
We're gonna find you a much better COO.
I think we already have.
You want the job? - [CRYING] - Jared, uh Alright, okay.
I'm okay.
I know, just take it Everyone can see you.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah, let's have a seat.
- Just think about it.
- I'm okay! Yeah, let's Do you want some water? Just breathe, just breathe.
Seppen said that Gavin was pushing them to sue us, right? Uh, yeah, but that shouldn't be a surprise.
But Seppen had no idea that we broke in.
How the fuck did Gavin know? Right! [STAMMERING] What? Are you suggesting that someone in here is leaking info to Gavin Belson? I am.
We have a mole on our hands.
What the fuck is going on over there? JEFF [ON PHONE]: Um, yeah, bad news.
Seppen just left, and and it looks like they're gonna settle.
Hey! Dude.
We have a mole! [LOUD ROAR] ["COP DRAMA" BY CLEARSIDE PLAYING]