Single Parents (2018) s01e13 Episode Script

Graham D'Amato: Hot Lunch Mentalist

1 Oh, my God, you guys, I have to tell you something.
It's huge.
It is going to blow your minds.
I - Hi, so - Sorry, Miss Adams, we're kind of in the middle of something Oh, really? Because I'm in the middle of teaching your children.
But, by all means, you go first.
- No, you go.
- Okay, Angie, Graham signed up for the talent show as a am I reading this right a "hot lunch mentalist"? Yeah, he can remember anything the school cafeteria served on any given date.
It's legitimately amazing.
I discovered it in carpool.
Yo, G October 5th? 10/5? Tater tots and corn niblets rounded out the tray for the big square headliner [SNAPS FINGERS] corn dogs! Nailed it.
I love dogs.
Find someone who cares, Mark.
All right, well, if you thought that was amazing, hold on to your hats, because you will not believe what I'm about You guys, what's going on with Mark? His wife left him, and now he's desperate to join our group.
Anybody want to help me out? I made too many dumplings.
Divorced dad hack make all your dumplings on Sunday night.
You'll thank me on Friday.
- [CHUCKLES] - No! I won't thank you! No one will thank you! Dude, give Mark a break.
So he stole your pen a year ago.
- He's a nice guy.
- Yes, very nice.
- Now, my news - No, I'm with Douglas.
- No Mark.
It's a whole thing.
- That sounds juicy.
- It's barely anything.
- Sounds even juicier.
- Okay, can we just drop it? - That's it! I'm just gonna tell you my news.
Mia's not my ex.
You never initialed page 89 of our divorce papers.
- What? - This is from my lawyer.
We're technically still married.
[ALL GASP] Oh, juicy! Read the room, Mark.
What if this is a sign that we weren't meant to get divorced? What if the universe is giving our marriage a second chance? Dude, a backslide kiss and messed-up paperwork doesn't mean you should get back together.
Yeah, you split up for good reasons, Will.
Need a reminder? Give us the list.
A difference in parenting philosophies, she's an infuriating mix of selfless and selfish, and if I'm being honest, she eats yogurt weird.
She, like, puts a big glob on a spoon - and licks it off like ice cream.
- Ugh.
- What? - Even took a picture just to remind myself.
Oh, that's a stupid way to eat yogurt.
- No.
- Unh-unh.
But worst of all, she always puts her work first.
Before me, before Sophie, before her family.
Yeah, and has that changed? No.
But Mia's got a hold on me.
Like, when she speaks in a foreign language, it's so hot.
Je voudrais trois crêpes.
Une avec le banane et du miel.
Une avec le bleuet.
[SHUDDERS] Cold shower, anyone? - [CHUCKLES] - No.
The point is I need help.
I need Angie.
What? Why? Why me? 'Cause you're scary.
You're like a tiny, little mercenary in a blazer.
- [CHUCKLES] - Mia is only here for one more day.
I need you to make sure I sign these papers no matter what I say or do.
Okay, but I warn you.
You are entering a cold and unforgiving world called tough love.
Okay.
Okay, great.
Thank you so much.
She is the best Ow! Why? Tough love! Now, initial that page, and I'll mail them out.
It's not that simple.
- I have to get them notarized.
- I'm a notary.
- What? When? How? - Stunned.
I'm stunned.
I knew it, Angie.
Somehow I always knew.
[WHISTLE TWEETS] Hey! Look at this poor bastard.
[WHISTLE TWEETS] Don't make eye contact.
You don't like Mark? Look how he holds that stop sign.
So cute! Oh, it's awkward.
- Oh, that sounds juicy.
- No, it's barely anything.
Okay, enough.
Just spill the beans, damn it! Fine.
There was an encounter.
Bet you're wondering why I'm eating dumplings in my car.
I have a hunch.
It's because I'm divorced.
- Wanna go out? - [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Obviously I said no.
I mean, Mark's too nice.
I don't like nice.
With nice, you're in bed by 8:30.
Mnh-mnh.
I want Pow! Boing! Crackle! Mark's got crackle! Okay, she's not dating him.
I forbid it.
What? What's the problem? What'd I say? - You forbid me? - I No.
I'm just telling you, as a friend, you cannot do it.
Oh, you don't know anything about black women, do you? I don't feel like there's a good answer to that question.
Hey! I dropped the paperwork off with my notary.
She's going to put it in the mail, and we will really be divorced.
Yay! [CHUCKLES] Ya dumped.
[CHUCKLES] [CHUCKLES] [SIGHS] You know, Will, um [CLEARS THROAT] I've been thinking about us.
The couple so dysfunctional, they couldn't even get divorced right? [CHUCKLES] I've been thinking about, you know, how much you've changed.
You're so happy and confident, and I even detect a little more bass in your voice.
[GRUNTS DEEPLY] Do you think those papers were maybe a sign? [EXHALES SHARPLY] Look, Mia I've changed, too.
I know that I haven't been there for you and Sophie, but I want to be.
Maybe I could cut back a little at work so that we could spend more time together as a family, - and - [JUNGLE NOISES] It's my mosquito-nets guy.
But I can call him back.
No.
Take it.
- Okay.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS] Salut, Manuel.
[SPEAKING FRENCH] [SIGHS] [SHOUTING IN FRENCH] [CELLPHONE THUDS] [RAPID KNOCKING ON DOOR] Okay! - [BREATHING HEAVILY] - Will, did you run here? Did I? That's weird.
Hey, Graham.
Hey, Dubs.
Wanna practice? Uh, sure.
November 7th.
Carrots and chicken nuggets.
Way to go, buddy.
Hey, did you mail those divorce papers yet? No, no, not yet, but they're sealed, stamped, ready to go.
Great, great.
Can I see them, please? Why? Um no reason.
Wha Angie! Angie! Give me the envelope! - No! - Angie, please! - No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Angie! Angie! - Please! - This is for your own good! [GRUNTS] You told me to go full D'Amato.
Think about the yogurt! Maybe the rest of us are eating it wrong.
And she's changed.
Now give me the envelope.
No one changes! The envelope goes in the mail! Good luck getting past me.
I was third-string goalie on my sixth grade soccer team.
Check out my reflexes.
[GRUNTS] Ha! [GROWLS] [GRUNTS] You can't open another person's mailbox! That's a federal offense.
Oh, is it? [GASPS] Angie? Are you in my mailbox? Back in the house, Joe.
This doesn't concern you.
Will.
If you take that envelope out of the mailbox, you're off the grid.
You wouldn't.
The grid is for single parents.
If you're married, you surrender all babysitting privileges and your seat at the table to discuss them.
- You're bluffing.
- I'm not.
So what's it gonna be? Sorry.
I'm awaiting DNA results for my dog.
- What?! - No! You kicked Will off the grid? He does five times the work of a nanny for free! Relax.
Will lives for the grid.
This is gonna bring him back to his senses.
We promised to help him.
Okay, did you just kick Will off, or did you forbid him? - Here we go.
- Forbid? I'm not a monster.
Okay, look.
I didn't mean "forbid," all right? I was just trying to steer you in the right direction.
It was like if we went to a restaurant you didn't know, I would order your entree.
Oh, so now you're ordering my food? - No, I didn't mean that - Okay, you know what? I'm gonna take the shovel out of your hand before you dig this hole any deeper.
There is a new member of the grid.
A man you all know and tolerate Dr.
Mark Rush.
Hard no.
Mark is dead weight.
Hard yes.
Love me some Mark.
MARK: Hey, guys! I brought some cookies! Baked enough for everyone here.
Well, then you over-baked, because it's gonna be a cold, crisp, wintry day in hell before I eat any of those cookies.
I'll take a cookie.
- Hi, Mark.
- Hey, Poppy.
Hey, guys.
I brought Oh, snap.
They both brought cookies.
Oh, I see.
Looks like you've really kicked me off the grid, huh? Yep.
Peace out, Coop! Well, I don't need to try those gingersnaps to know that they're perfect.
[CHUCKLES] So, I guess, take care of them, Mark.
Y-You can still babysit Jack - off-grid! - Call me! You guys, stay strong.
Happy to be part of the grid.
A few things about me.
I have seven kids, ages 5 to 18, and none of their activities overlap.
Mia? Hey.
I didn't expect to see you here.
I know.
So, did Will tell you that we're gonna give it another shot? - Yeah, that's really great.
- [JUNGLE NOISES] I'm happy for you I have to take this.
It's international.
- Sure.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS] [SPEAKING SPANISH] [QUIETLY] I can speak Spanish, too.
Uno, dos, tres Gracias.
Mark Consuelos - Who were you talking to? - Who were you talking to? My relief team in Oaxaca.
The visas came through, so as of next week, I'll be in Mexico representing dissident human rights prisoners.
Wait, Mexico? What about Will? Oh, yeah, Will and Sophie will come.
He'll want to keep the family together.
No, I know, but he has a life here, friends, and a new job, a real one where he has to put on pants and leave the house.
He'd have to quit.
I know.
I feel terrible.
And I know my tone is misleading, but I really mean it.
But also, doesn't he just, like, do the weather once a week at 5:00 a.
m.
? Yeah, the "Five Day at Five.
" It's important to him.
All of this is.
You can't rip it away without consulting him.
Well I'm gonna talk to him.
Yeah, I mean, you definitely need to, because you know Will.
You know he needs time to process.
[CHUCKLES] I'm confused.
Aren't you just, like, his babysitting friend? You're talking like you're his wife.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.
It never gets old seeing so many people with shoes on.
Oh, great.
They found a parent to volunteer to sit on their ass.
I'm helping.
I brought Tony.
Attaboy, Tony! Make it to five, and I'm taking you out for branzino.
Hey, Poppy! Guess who got put in charge of music? I'll give you a hint.
He has seven kids and an unfurnished studio apartment.
I'm not gonna lie.
That is sexy as hell.
[CHUCKLES] [STEVE WINWOOD'S "BACK IN THE HIGH LIFE AGAIN" PLAYS] So you like that.
Mm-hmm.
Damn right.
That my life ran on too fast And I had to take it slowly Just to make the good part last But when you're born to run It's so good to just slow down What the hell? So don't be surprised to see me Back in the bright part of town I'll be back in the high life again All the doors I closed one time - [BALLOON WHISTLES] - Will open up again I'll be back in the high life again Well, damn.
It sucks without having Will on the grid.
[SIGHS] I miss him, too.
- I'm gonna call him.
- No, you can't! My mom says this will only last a few more days.
Tough love.
- I don't know.
- We have to stay strong.
You're right.
But what about you? Will's the one calling the dates for your hot lunch mentalist act.
I will do my act without Will Cooper.
Oh, snap.
Just erasing my life.
[CHUCKLES] No biggy.
Guess what?! I got the green light for Oaxaca.
We're going to Mexico.
- Like a trip? - No, to live! I'm helping human rights prisoners, and I figured out a way for you and Sophie to come.
That is a lot to process! I know.
I'm excited, too.
This is a huge opportunity for me.
Plus, we both want Sophie to see other cultures, and this will be a great way for us to focus on our family without first-world distractions, like, you know, movies and air conditioning and refrigerators.
Really? I'm pro-refrigerator.
Well, they're bad for food.
I don't think that's true.
Well, it is.
Anyway, this is gonna be great! Yes, yes, so great! No, i-it's just that Sophie has school here, you know, and and her friends, and then there's also my new job They're actually talking about putting me on at 6:00 this week.
- A.
M.
? - Yeah.
I'm the morning guy.
I have a Facebook group 16 members.
Some call it a fan page.
I don't know.
But Mexico will only be for a few months.
Plus, it means that our family will be together.
You want that, right? - That is what I want.
- Excellent.
Okay, I'm gonna start making the arrangements.
Now, I forget.
Are you an extra-long floor mat or just a long? Oh, you're [CHUCKLES] jumping right into the details.
That's great.
I do think that when we tell Sophie, we should do it delicately, you know, very, very gradually.
But not too gradually.
You know, maybe we'll tell her tonight after the talent show.
We leave in a week! A week?! Are you okay? Yeah.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm just still processing all of it, you know? Uh, okay, seven days.
- Mexico! - [CHUCKLES] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] Excuse me.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Ma'am, uh, cutting is so not allowed.
Whatever.
We're both coming hot off - federal mailbox crimes.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Um, there's actually something I want to tell you.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Mia got a job offer in Mexico.
And wants Sophie and I to go with her.
What'd you say? I said yes.
But [SIGHS] I don't know.
Am I doing the right thing? I can't even imagine telling Sophie.
It's only for a few months, but still Will.
You should go.
- Go? - Mm-hmm.
I thought you would talk me out of going.
Wait, is this a trap? Are you gonna punch me again? No.
No more tough love.
I've been way too invested in your life.
I'm just someone who helps you babysit.
- Angie - You're gonna do great in Mexico.
But Graham is really gonna miss Sophie.
Sophie will definitely miss Graham.
I'm gonna go back to my place in line.
I'm on a real roll here.
Doing all the right things.
- Who are you? - [CHUCKLES] You know some days you wake up and your whole body's just tingling? That's today.
- Are you through? - With what? Okay, fine.
I'll say it.
I was wrong.
I told you who you could date, and you rubbed my face in it.
As I deserved.
Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Well, yeah, that was all right.
That must've been hard for you.
You have no idea.
[CHUCKLES] And I never want to think about that kiss again.
It's worse than the summer I spent snapping necks at my Uncle Eddie's chicken farm.
What? I think I'm into Mark.
Oh, please.
Really? But it's Mark.
You and Mark don't make sense.
- Why not? - Because he's not your person.
[PIANO PLAYS] Hey, what do you know It's time for the Hilltop Talent Show [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [GLOCKENSPIEL PLAYS] [QUIETLY] Hey, how strict is the Mexico time table? Just 'cause if we pushed it back to summer, then we wouldn't have to [QUIETLY] Well, I'm trying to get human rights prisoners released.
They've been wrongfully imprisoned for, like, 15 years, so I guess another six months wouldn't kill them.
- Mm.
- You know, unless it did.
But, you know, if I push the dates, then I'll definitely miss the trial in Honduras.
Honduras? How long do you have to be in Honduras? Well, the last case took, like, a year.
- A year?! - Shh! My son is trying to focus.
There could be reps in here.
We're sorry.
He He's very talented.
They'd be fools not to sign him.
[APPLAUSE] Hey.
Mark.
Hi.
Listen, that kiss was crackle, right? Mm-hmm.
So, I say let's do this.
Wow, Poppy.
[BOTH CHUCKLE] - I can't.
- Excuse me? The grid is life-changing.
I took a two-hour shower yesterday.
I made my own bed! I can't risk anything that would complicate that.
No.
No.
That's not the way this works.
You don't say no to me.
It's not you.
It's the grid.
The grid? [WHISPERING] What? Hey! You don't walk away from Poppy! I forbid it! [APPLAUSE] All right, 21 Grams.
You can do this.
Ladies and gentlemen, your hot lunch mentalist Graham D'Amato! Go get 'em, Graham.
[APPLAUSE] I will now select a month at random.
I will now select a date at random.
[METAL CREAKING] April 6th.
Ah, yes.
April 6th.
The hot lunch was Graham? While we're still young, please.
Oh, my God, this is bad.
We're gonna have to move.
April 6th.
He's looking for an escape route.
No.
He's looking for my dad.
And what's after Honduras? Caracas? Guyana? Braavos? Casterly Rock? Those last two are from "Game of Thrones.
" [SIGHS] Mia, a few months is one thing, but a whole year? Sophie's happy here.
And you said you were gonna scale back at work.
In a couple years! I have people depending on me.
I have people depending on me, too.
These people are nice, but come on.
They aren't your family.
Dad? Dad! Graham's flatlining.
I have to go.
What? This is important! So are they.
April 6th April 6th Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] 6 [SIGHS] D Just Work! April 6th [QUIETLY] Excuse me, ladies.
Mind if I jump in? Please.
You think we want this stink on us? Hi, buddy.
All right, April 6th you got this.
Ain't no thing But a chicken wing! On April 6th, there was cheese grilled.
The peas were buttered.
The fries were curly.
Add a box of milk and a Jell-O square with a dollop of whip.
And that, my friends, was April 6th.
[AUDIENCE GASPS, MURMURS] Yeah! [APPLAUSE] That's my son! [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] Wow.
So, how is it with Mia gone? I can tell you're using normal deodorant again.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, it it's good.
We had a long talk.
And I'll always love her, but we just don't work together, and I think we needed to rediscover that.
I'm glad you're staying.
When I said Sophie would miss Graham, I meant that I would miss you.
And when I said Graham was gonna miss Sophie, I meant Graham would really miss Sophie.
- I meant that, too.
- Too late.
You already said it.
- No, I take it back.
- You already said it! No, well, I you're just a babysitting pal, and that's - [SINGSONG VOICE] You were gonna miss me! - We'll never know, - 'cause I stayed, so I can't miss you.
- You were gonna miss me! Announcement! Mark off the grid.
- Ah, yes! - And this guy's back in! - Hey! - Back in! - My man.
- Yes, very excited to be back, but now we can finally address the real bombshell of the week.
Angie is a notary?! - Yes! Come on! - Okay, we will do this once.
I'll answer all of your notary questions.
Go.
- What's the mayor like? - Can you get me out of jury duty? Do you have a partner? Show me your gun.
You guys really don't know what a notary is, do you? What?! Nah.
Wait, where's Poppy? [WHISTLE TWEETS] Mark.
You're off the grid.
I am?! Dang it! But wait does that mean ? Get in the car.
I'll be back in the high life again All the doors I closed one time Will open up again